Date: Thu, 11 Dec 2003 14:39:11 -0700 From: Robert B Subject: Hiding in McClintock High 5 Note to the archivist: Please remove the @ symbol in my address in the "From:" tag. Thank you.. ---------------- Chapter V | ---------------- Some time had passed now since my arriving in Coach Elliot's office, much more than I had anticipated. Outside, the faint murmur of scattered students could be heard. I began to worry how I could return without being noticed. Justin seemed to have already considered this, and with a final warning not to return until four o'clock he pulled out a small photocopied map and showed me the least obvious exit on the rear of the building. From there, I moved hurriedly but cautiously back to the small racquetball court. It was only 7:34 AM. This was going to be a long wait until I could safely leave. I laid down uncomfortably on the cement and took out a book, but I lost my place a dozen or more times before finally throwing it aside in frustration. Thoughts came and haunted me in my idleness, no matter how hard I tried to avoid them. Memories like waking nightmares slapped me in the face. My head started pounding, and an unusual pang in my chest began to throb. I raised a trembling had to my eyes and rubbed them roughly. I was too strong to cry; it had been years since I had last allowed myself more than one or two tears. I would not cry now. The hours dragged by, and I could feel every single minute trickle through me. I sat, I stood, I paced, I even boxed with the cement wall for a brief and quickly regretted moment. Finally I collapsed back onto the uncomfortable bare floor and stared into the sky. The clouds hadn't burned away, contrary to what I had expected. Cold winds now blew, and a spattering of raindrops fell at an increasing rate. I rubbed my eyes again, then shut them tightly. A tear or three managed to squeeze past my efforts, but then subsided, and I was left feeling hollow and numb from the back of my head to the pit of my heart. The rain began falling faster now. Thunder rumbled and gusts howled as they blew past the shelter's few openings. I couldn't think of anything but what I felt right then; the same things I'd felt for so many years. Pain. Fear. Shame. Regret. In my callous frame of mind, I wondered what I could do to finally stop these feelings. During my more alcoholic days, I would drown them away with beer or whiskey craftily stolen from my parents. But getting drunk was too temporary; I didn't want the feelings to return. I could always keep running, I realized. Doing odd jobs here and there, going where nobody knows me, never staying long enough to get hurt....But then the feelings would still be with me, and I would just be a lone beggar on the lamb. 'There is one other possibility,' I reminded myself. 'There's a way I can make it all be over, once and for all. I could leave it all behind me...Am I brave enough to do it?...Do I have anything to lose?' I looked at my watch and saw that it was time for me to begin getting ready for work. I stood up, dusted myself off, and mulled over my final option as I walked the distance to the gym showers. 'Feelings be damned,' I thought. 'I can finally be free of them! Nobody could blame me for taking the coward's way out, as if anybody would care. Only the janitors would even notice, probably. It'll hurt my parents some, at first, but one quick pain is better than the prolonged torture of having me as a son." As I opened the door, I had already come to a resolution. I'd do whatever it took in order to end this pain, but I wanted to make sure there was no other feasible choice. In the meantime, I was about to start my first day at Nello's. --------------------------------------------------------------------------- Comments to robert_b9968 (at) hotmail.com