Date: Sat, 30 Aug 2003 22:15:43 -0700 (PDT)
From: Jay <lostmindbrbin10min@yahoo.com>
Subject: Homoseduction - Chapter 4 "Choices"

Wow! Been some time, huh? First, I'd like to majorly apologize
for the almost 5 month delay in submitting anything new to
Homoseduction. I'm SOOO sorry. So much has been going on and I
just haven't had the time to write and, on top of that, when I
did find a little time, I was stuck with writer's block. BUT I
FINALLY got time AND broke down that block! YAY! ARGGGG!!! It's
been forever, but here it is! Second, I'd like to thank the many
people that pushed me to finish chapter 4. I'd also like to
thank Kat, my very good friend (I love you hun. I hope you know
that. I'm sorry we don't talk more often. *Big hugs*), for
editing this. Third, lol, if this is your first time reading
Homoseduction, welcome and I hope you like my writing. If you've
been there since the beginning, I once again apologize for the
delay. And thank you for your patience. It truely is
appreciated! Fourth, I'd once again like to thank the many
wonderful people who e-mailed me their support and
encouragement. Fifth, I'd like to say that I'm now single again.
:-) (PLEASE DO NOT E-MAIL ME ASKING TO BE YOUR BOYFRIEND! I AM
NOT INTERESTED! I LIKE BEING SINGLE!) :-D

MOST IMPORTANT!!!! For those of you who said something along the
lines of "Please write a sequal," you can't have a sequal till
the first is finished!!! THIS IS NOT THE END OF
HOMOSEDUCTION!!!!!! THIS IS NOT THE END OF HOMOSEDUCTION!!!!
Thank you. I've blabbed long enough. Enjoy chapter 4, "Choices."


Homoseducton
Chapter 4
Choices

Ever feel like the world has kicked you to the curb and left you
there to die? That's about how I felt. My world was crashing and
I didn't know what to do. I was a ship sailing toward land with
no light to guide me. I quietly shut my door and filled my
backpack with clothes. I needed to leave, go somewhere, but I
only had one option and it would be the first place my parents
would look: Chris's house. I slung the pack onto to my shoulder
and opened my window. Though my room was on the second floor,
there was a porch directly below and I climbed onto it. I stared
at my room from the outside. Taking a deep breath, I shut the
window and walked to the edge of the porch roof. I lowered
myself down and hung from the edge.

I dropped and ran into the woods behind my house, where there
was a trail that went directly to Chris's house. We had made it
when we were younger and used it to sneak to each other's house
after curfew. The path was since overgrown and I could just
barely make it out. Had it been a different time of day, I
wouldn't have been able to take it, but the late morning sun hit
all the right places and cast all the right shadows. At first I
was walking, letting my thoughts sort themselves out, but I had
begun to walk faster and faster as my emotions grasped my
thoughts. Breaking into a run, tears began to blur the world
around me. All I could see were greens, browns, blues, and
yellows. I just kept running. It was all I could do. I didn't
want to leave my family, my school, the arcade, the pool hall,
and most of all I didn't want to leave Chris.

I stopped to catch my breath and was bent over, holding my
knees. Through gasps and tears, I managed to look up. Ahead of
me was the bridge that Chris and I had built. I walked over to
it and sat down on the edge, looking into the murky surface of
the water below. My tears had subsided and I was forcing myself
to calm down. I hadn't realized how far I ran. The bridge was
practically in Chris' backyard, though the trees and underbrush
prevented you from seeing his house. I took deep calming breaths
and wiped my face with my shirt. I needed to talk to Chris. He'd
let me stay there for a while, at least till his parents came
back from Jamaica. I stood up, took one last look into the
water, and headed to Chris' house.

"Jay, calm down." Chris said as I had started to cry again in
his arms. "You've got to calm down."
"But I don't want to leave, Chris." I said as I held him
tighter, taking all the comfort I could from him. "What do you
mean leave? What happened when you went home?" He started to rub
my back. I shut my eyes tight and buried my face into his
shoulder. He patted my back and said, "Tell me when you can.
Take your time." He tried to pull away, but I held him. "I'll be
right back," he assured me. I nodded, sat down on the couch, and
buried my face in my hands. 'How can I tell him what my father
said?' Before I could find any answers, Chris was back and had a
cup of coffee. He set it on the table across from me. "Thanks,"
I managed to say and reached over for the cup. "No problem."
Chris smiled at me, but I couldn't force myself to smile back. I
took a few sips and set it back on the table. "Chris," I began.
"I...I really don't know how to tell you this..." I could feel
the tears again, but pushed them back. "My dad told me I wasn't
allowed over here anymore. That you were a bad influence and had
been the reason for my grades, my attitude, and for smoking."
"I knew he didn't like me-" started Chris with a nonchalant
tone.
"Wait. There's more." I swallowed hard. I bit my lip, not
wanting to tell him, but had I any other choice? "He's going to
make me move to Georgia with my Uncle Andrew." I added hatred to
'Uncle Andrew.' Memories started to play through my mind.

I was visiting my Uncle for a few weeks because mom and dad were
looking for a new house in North Carolina. I was watching TV as
usual and eating a bowl of Frosted Flakes. The Winter Olympics
were on and it was my favorite sport: Figure Skating. It was
when Kristi Yamaguchi won the gold medal at Albertville in 1992.
She had just started her routine when my Uncle came in with a
Bible in his hand. "It's time you learn a lesson, boy." He said
in his deep southern Alabaman accent. He grabbed my wrist and
jerked me from my comfortable place on the couch. Dragging me to
the front door, he grabbed his belt. I reached for my shoes, but
he grabbed my wrists again, this time hurting. "Ouch, it hurts!
Stop it!" I yelled at him.

He just ignored me, dragged me down to a small creek behind his
house, and made me stand in the freezing water on sharp eroded
pebbles. I would have resisted, but I was too afraid to move. He
looked at me and said, "You're a sin, boy. You must ask God for
His forgiveness and to take the demon from you!" He shouted and
held the Bible up to the sky. I stood in fear. I didn't know
what he was talking about. "God damns faggots to hell. Do you
wanna go to hell, boy?" I had started shaking from the coldness
of the water that rushed past my feet. I closed my eyes. "Do
you?" He persisted. "Answer me boy." He was becoming consumed in
rage. "No Sir." I answered in a hushed voice. He lashed at my
legs with his belt. "What? I can't hear you." He yelled. I was
crying and the pain in my legs was amplified by the cold, but I
knew if I reached down to hold or even rub them, I'd get whipped
again. I clenched my fists and looked up to the sky. "No!" I
cried out.

Chris was sitting next me with his arms around my shoulders. He
was the only person who knew how badly I was treated those few
weeks I was there. He just didn't know all of it. I wrapped my
arms around him and hugged him with all I could. Chris was my
only comfort in a world that was completely against me. He
didn't speak. He just held me and rubbed my back, allowing me to
let my emotions flow. I buried my face deeper into his chest and
closed my eyes, tears still streaming down my face. Slowly,
everything around me became distant, even my own thoughts. It
was another source of comfort. It was the only thing that can
truly give you a break from life. It was sleep.

Though the day's events were heavy on my shoulders, I slept
well: emotional and mental exhaustion would put anyone to sleep.
Lazily blinking my eyes, Chris' bedroom came into focus, and I
was forced to remember why I was here. The dull pain that were
my Father's words slowly crept back into my consciousness, as
well as my erratic behavior with Chris. I sighed heavily and sat
up. Through the window, I could see the sun slowly being pulled
toward the horizon; I had slept all day. Surely my parents have
called? Trying not to loose my head, I stood up, stretched, and
walked down the hall. Half way down the hall I could hear two
voices in the living room, one of them being Chris', "No, I
haven't told him yet. I was going to today, but," he paused,
gave a heavy sigh, then continued, "Jay's got a lot going on
right now. I don't want to be one who adds more suffering to his
life." I froze where I was, took a few steps back and crouched,
listening to what was being said. "Chris," said the other voice.
I didn't recognize it, but it belonged to a man and it was calm,
but had an edge as sharp as a knife, "The truth hurts, yes, but
it's best you tell him straight away before he falls even more
for you." I heard Chris sigh again and I wrinkled my brow in
confusion. I was still groggy from sleep, and it was hard for me
to follow what was being said.

The man went on, his voice lined with ice, "When we last talked,
you had already made the decision, and not even a day later
you're trying to back out of it." His voice was stern and cold,
but calm all the same. "I didn't say I was going back on my
word," Chris said.
"Well," said the other voice with cynicism, "that's what it
sounds like." "That's not what it is," said Chris, stumbling for
words, but quick to reply. "It's just I don't want to do it now.
He's going through too much. It'd be like shooting a soldier
while he was down. Even you would understand that." "You know
Chris, I thought you were ready, I thought you were grown up,
but I was wrong." I heard the door open and he continued, "Call
me when you've summoned the guts to tell the truth and leave
him." Before Chris could respond, the door has slammed shut.

 Silence rang from the living room, and I was shaking, not
completely understanding what was going on, but also having a
clear idea. "Fuck!" Chris yelled and something made of glass
slammed against a wall, shattering to pieces before falling to
the floor below. I crept back down the hall and into Chris'
bedroom. He was coming. I jumped back into the bed, turning
toward the wall to hide my face, covered up, and stilled my
breath. "Jay," Chris quietly called from the door. "Jay...are
you awake?" I didn't move a muscle, or make the slightest sound.
Chris shut the door, and after listening for a few seconds to
see if he was in the room, I turned onto my back and stared at
the ceiling. My eyes were wide from realization as it slowly
gripped my heart and squeezed: Chris was going to break up with
me. That guy was his other boyfriend or soon to be. My breath
became short and harsh. This...this of all things was not
happening. I had to still be dreaming. I slapped my face in
hopes of waking up, but only to wince at the pain. I sat on the
edge of the bed and told myself that I had to pretend that I had
been asleep and hadn't heard a single thing. I rubbed my eyes to
make them red and tired, then left the room.

Chris was cleaning up the broken glass, being careful not to cut
himself. My shadow moved across the wall and startled him,
causing him to cut a finger. "Hey..." I managed to say sleepily
blinking my eyes. I faked a yawn and said, "What happened? Why
is there glass everywhere?" He forced a smile and said, "Oh...it
was nothing...I just got mad at how much shit you're having to
go through." It was a good lie, and had I not heard the pervious
conversation, I'd have believed it too. "You're too sweet." I
said, and stepped forward with a fake smile. Chris held up his
hand. "Don't. There's glass all over." He awkwardly smiled at
me. "How did you sleep?" He asked, going back to cleaning up the
broken shards. I wanted to say, "I slept well till I woke up and
heard you talking to some guy. When the fuck were you going to
tell me?" But I held back the anger and said, "Pretty good. I
definitely feel rested."
"Good," Chris said without an upward glance, completely
forgetting about the cut on his finger.

I walked over to the couch and sat down, weighing my questions
against my anger. The questions took rule. "What'd you do all
day?" I asked. Chris' reply was a shrug. "Well, don't tell me
you just sat around all day and did absolutely nothing," I
pushed. He bit his lip. "Well," he started, "after you went to
sleep I called a friend, made some plans for next weekend,
talked to Mom for a bit, made lunch, took a shower..." he trailed
off, wanting to leave the rest of the day a mystery to me.

But I decided to push a little harder, my anger building inside.
"So, after you got out of the shower, you came down here, waited
for a couple of hours, then smashed a glass?" Mentioning the
glass made him flinch. He wasn't expecting me to interrogate him
on his day. "Why does it matter what I did all day?" Chris asked
picking up the final pieces and putting them into the trashcan
next to the couch. I gently shook my head then said, "Just
curious, that's all. I slept all day." I sarcastically smiled.
He shrugged and headed into the kitchen to tend to the cut. I
didn't follow. I would have, but my mind was busy playing with
possibilities. Maybe I didn't hear what was said clearly.
Perhaps it wasn't even what I though it was. He was probably
just a friend...but I was so damned sure that that guy said
"tell the truth and leave him." By sheer force, I pushed aside
the anger and the sadness those words brought to me and waited
for Chris to come back.

He sat two Cokes on the coffee table and sat down across from
me. I knew something was going on and I was determined to find
out what it was, but Chris spoke first, trying to break the
obvious tension and to change the subject. "How are you?" His
voice was gentle, as if he were being careful not to upset me. I
sipped the Coke, shrugged, and said, "I'll get over it." That
was the icebreaker. Chris extended his hands and said, "What's
with you, Jay? Earlier today you were scared to death and crying
your eyes out and now...and now you're acting like it never
happened."

I leaned back against the couch and looked him dead in the eyes,
and God help me if I was wrong about that guy. "Things change,
and apparently, so do best friends." I was cursing myself for
saying that. I bit my tongue and swallowing hard not to cry. His
eyes got wide and his whole body tensed. "What the fuck are you
talking about?"
"You know damned well what I'm talking about!" I said leaning
forward and slamming the Coke on the table. "Or else you
wouldn't have went back there to make sure I was still asleep!"
Chris reacted in a way I didn't expect and it shocked me, almost
making me feel sorry for him.

He leaned back into the recliner, his face showing that he now
knew that I did in fact overhear the conversation, and his hands
fidgeted with the hem of his shirt. All he could manage to say
was "Oh."
"Who is he? Is he your boyfriend? Or just a good fuck?" Chris
was in no mood to fight against me. He knew I had every right to
ask and he didn't anger. "Well?" I persisted. He looked at me
with the saddest look I'd ever seen and took a deep calming
breath. Before he even spoke, tears were clouding my vision.
"Yes, Luke is my boyfriend." He tore his gaze from me and stared
at the floor. The impact of his words forced the tears from me,
my voice barely shaking. "How long?" He was clenching his jaw,
expecting me to act much angrier. He took another deep breath
before answering, "Two years..."
"Wha- oh my God! Chris!" I was shuddering from the tears and I
covered my face with my hands, tears streaming down my face. I
cried out, "No. . . no . . .no. . ." shaking my head with each
word.

I slapped my hands on my thighs and asked, "Why? Why Chris??" He
was still sitting exactly the same way, though there was a
slight shudder in his breathing. He swallowed hard and forced
himself to answer, knowing that I would cry harder. "Jay, I
couldn't wait for you forever to tell me, and Luke and I had
just met at the beach and..." He stopped, knowing that he said
the wrong thing. My face was now twisted with anger. I squinted
my eyes at him and said, "Do not tell me that he's Luke Morris!
Fuck Chris, he's my goddamned ex for Christ's sake!" I was
standing and pacing, tears flooding my eyes and falling hot on
my cheeks.

Chris saw the look on my face and knew that I was thinking. He
stood up and grabbed my shoulders. "It's not what you think,
Jay!" He said quickly. I pushed him from me. "Did you know about
us? Did he tell you he broke up with me?" My mind was being torn
between rage and utter sadness. "Did he?" I screamed at Chris.
"Jay, calm down." He said holding his hands out. "It's really
not what you think. Just calm down and I'll explain everything."
"What's there to explain, huh?" I said holding my arms out. "You
and Luke, of all people, got together the day him and I broke
up. Let me guess, you hit it off instantly didn't you? All
you're both interested in is sex anyway. I bet it's a perfect
relationship." I couldn't believe what I was saying. Never in a
million years would I have said anything like this under
different circumstances, but the words poured from me like
Niagara Falls.

I just stared at him. "Listen," Chris said in a voice that
tempted no argument, "he was as badly hurt about the break up as
you were and-" I rolled my eyes. "Don't even start that shit
with me. Luke broke up with me, Chris. It was his decision, not
mine."
"It still hurt him!"
I shook my head. "It doesn't even matter, Chris." My voice was
low now. This was leading toward a fight and I wouldn't let that
happen. I sat back down, shaking from anger, and took a long
drink from my Coke. Chris, seeing my mask of calmness, did the
same. I looked across to him and said, "Honestly, I don't care
how you met, why you're together, or any of that. I really don't
Chris."

"Jay-" Chris began.
"Hold on," I said holding out my hand. "I do care about us..." I
swallowed hard, wiped my eyes on my shoulder, and continued.
"But if there is no us, then I need to know." Before Chris
responded, he closed his eyes tightly, clenched his fists, and
inhaled deeply. "First off, I just want to tell you that I truly
do like you. That is no lie. You mean more to me than you could
ever possibly know, Jay." I slightly smiled and every word was
crystal clear in my head, making it tremendously hard not to cry
again. "But," he started, clearing his throat and sipping his
Coke, "I am with Luke and, I like him as well." He bit his
bottom lip, and half squinted his eyes.

Had I not warned myself that he might say that, I would have
instantly cried, but I didn't. All I did was vaguely nod my
head. I looked to the floor, trying to forestall my next
question, then back to Chris whose gaze hadn't faltered and was
cloudy with tears. I chewed my tongue for a moment, then, in an
almost silent whisper, said, "Then...you need to...choose. Him
or me, Chris?" His gaze fell to the coffee table and lowered his
head shrouding it in shadow. His body was barely shuddering from
the silent sobs. A single tear escaped me, slowly sliding down
my cheek, and crept into the corner of my mouth. I ignored it.

Chris lifted his head, his face wet with tears and curved with
sadness. He opened his mouth to speak, his jaw trembling, and
said, "I have to choose...Luke." I licked my lips, and the salty
tear almost burned my tongue. His eyes were begging me to
understand his choice, but I could no longer be here. I stood
up, still shaking, still nodding, and walked to the door.
Grabbing the handle, I hung my head and whispered, "Good bye,
Chris," and walked out.


Author's Note: AGAIN, THIS IS NOT THE END OF HOMOSEDUCTION!!!
Please feel free to e-mail me at lostmindbrbin10min@yahoo.com to
express your comments. PLEASE, no flamming. If you flame, you
will simply be forgotten and ignored. However, if you have
HELPFUL suggestions/critics then by all means, e-mail me and be
polite about it. Being rude doesn't get anyone anywhere. Also,
please be patient for chapter 5. I hope to god it doesn't take
as long, but it is a possibility. Besides, good things are worth
waiting for, right? LOL. Take care everyone!

Jay