Date: Wed, 05 Jan 2005 17:52:19 -0800
From: Edwin E. <edtimoria@hotmail.com>
Subject: The Hound of God part 2

The Hound of God
By: Edwin e.

Disclaimer: Do not read this if you are
offended by stories involving male/male relationships, or in an area that
prohibits your viewing of such material. This story is copyrighted to me,
Edwin e, so don't reproduce it without my permission.

This is a work of
fiction. Any resemblance to anyone entirely coincidental.

READ THIS: There
is a little bit of Spanish in this story. For any non-Spanish speakers out
there, an English translation follows in brackets. Peace.

Part II: the step
forward

I'm not a violent man - I'm really not. I've never been in a fight
which has always made me question whether I could ever throw a punch if need
be. Apparently I can.

"Oh God!" I said - stunned at what I had just done.
"I'm so sorry, Dominic.  I didn't mean to do that."  I stood there a second,
dumbfounded at the course of action my body had decided to take. I held out
my hand to help him back up to his feet.

"Well, I guess I'm not that great
of a kisser after all," he said with a sardonic smile on his face as he
massaged his sore lip.  His willingness to laugh at the situation helped to
ease the enormous amount of guilt I was feeling. He took my hand and got to
his feet.

"I'm so, so sorry.  I-I don't know what to say," I said looking
at him with great concern. The sweat that often follows nervousness was
making me itch.

"Don't worry about it. After your reaction yesterday, I
should have known than to try and kiss you again; it's my fault," He said as
his hand continued to apply pressure to his lip in an attempt to stop the
bleeding.

"Maybe... but I shouldn't have hit you... I'm not usually a
violent man, but I guess you bring it out of me," I said smiling back at
him. By now the cut on his lip had coagulated as he stood there with an
amused look on his face.

Things got quiet for a few seconds.

"Oh God
Dominic, things are so crazy. This is not how things are supposed to go." I
went to my desk and sat down, letting the world disappear around me so I
could think.

"I told you," he said, knocking me out of my thoughts.

"Told
me what?"

"That you twirl your hair when you concentrate," he said,
continuing to smile. I stopped and noticed that my fingers were in fact
wrapping themselves around my hair. Even though my hair is usually cut
short, I found it odd that I was still able to twirl a good chunk of
it.

"Wow...stalker." We both laughed. I guess all it took was my punching
Dominic to get a little more comfortable around him. "Can I ask you
something?" I asked.

"Sure."

"When did this all start? When did I
become... such a focus?" I asked.

"From the moment I first saw you," he
responded almost immediately. "Don't you believe in love at first sight?" He
asked, taking a step toward me. I put my hand up, indicating him to get
back.

"No, I'm serious," I stated, not knowing if he was making a joke or
not. Though only given a handful of minutes to process all the information
Dominic had thrust upon me, my mind couldn't even begin to make sense of
it.

"I'm being dead serious. Two years ago, I transferred to this school,
and you had the locker next to me. That very first day I was putting my
books away, and you turned to me and said 'hi'. You probably don't remember,
but I stood there unable to respond while you walked away. I just kept
thinking, 'Damn, who is that?'" he said. He might have seen the somewhat
disbelieving look on my face because he then asked, "do you really not
believe in love at first sight?"

"Absolutely not," I replied flatly.

"Why
not?"

"Because I'm not ten?" I said without trying to seem patronizing.
"Listen Dominic: Lust, attraction, and interest are what happen 'at first
sight,' but those are hardly Love. Love is a higher order emotion; it's a
process. No, it's more than that: it's a demanding conversion. It's... a
journey through a whole host of feelings and ultimately discovering more
about your partner, yourself, and even the world, through those feelings.
Anything worth feeling cannot be felt in a fleeting moment." This is very
important subject to me: he was turning my life upside down because he felt
an attraction to me? I looked at him and saw a stare void of emotion. I had
no idea what he was thinking.

"I'm sorry," I said, directing my eyes toward
the floor. "I know I have a tendency to get preachy. I tend to ramble when
placed in stressful situations - it's a problem I've been trying to work
on..."

"No, it's okay. I kinda like it," he said smiling at me again. "It's
nice that you can talk like that, all "smart-like... Look, my feelings for
you may have started off as attraction, but they've grown since then. Two
years I've spent watching you; I know you. I want you Edwin," he said,
taking another step forward. Once again, I maintained my distance.

"Wait,
wait, wait. Two years is a long time to be harboring feelings for someone
you've never really talked to, don't you think? Not to be mean or anything,
but don't you find that kinda... crazy?" I asked.

"I guess it may seem a
little weird. I know we've never had a meaningful conversation or anything
like that, but I still know you," he continued.

"You don't know me
Dominic. All those reasons you gave for liking me only show that you know
things ABOUT me, but you don't KNOW me. The difference is subtle, but it's
important.  And, to be honest, there has been no effort on your part to get
to know me," I reasoned. Though on the same token, I never really took time
out of my schedule to get to know him either. Then again, I wasn't the one
claiming to have unfounded feelings. I was well aware that the tension in
the room was beginning to fill again.

"Not that any of this matters. You
like me? Okay, fine, whatever. But Dominic, I repeat: what I know of you, I
don't like," I said.

"I know I come off as a bit of a jerk," he began a
little defensively.

"No," I interrupted, "you come off as a huge jerk.
You're an absolute ass Dominic! You only acknowledge and are nice to your
jock buddies and those whores that follow you guys around. Everyone else you
treat like trash." I could feel myself getting riled up.

"It's all an act
Edwin. Do you think I could live my life - be on the soccer team and have
the friends I have - if I came out as gay? I don't think so.  You of all
people should understand the need to hide," he countered.

"I understand the
need to hide your sexuality - I get that. But you're hiding an entire
personality. You wanna act straight, go ahead; even I do that. But that
doesn't mean you have to act like such a horrible person," I said knowing I
was in the right. 'I am in the right, right?' I thought to myself.

"So
that's the problem? You don't like me cuz I'm a jerk?" he asked after a
moment of silence.

"After talking to you today, I know you're not that bad
of a guy Dominic. You seem more sensitive than I've given you credit for," I
started. "But for the last two years, you've acted like an asshole to so
many people. Why should I treat you as anything other than that?" He looked
at me and began to smile, which is odd considering I was doing my best to
criticize him.

"So if I wasn't such a jerk, you'd start liking me more,
right?" he said with a hint of hope in his voice.  I couldn't help but laugh
a little.

"Jeez, you never quit, do you?" I said, returning a smile.
Despite my anger at his 'outing' me, he was very good at making me feel
comfortable. "Here's the deal: if you want to be a jerk, that's fine. If you
don't, that's fine too. One way will make you easier to be friends with, the
other won't. But don't think that anything will ever happen between us
Dominic. I have my own issues to go through, and you're not really helping.
I don't need, or want a boyfriend or random hookup. Maybe one day we can be
friends... maybe."

That seemed to shut him up. We passed a few more
seconds in silence until he started chuckling to himself.

"What?" I
asked.

"It's just... I wasn't 100% sure that you were gay, but I was
willing to bet you were. One of the reasons I decided to act was because if
you WERE gay, I thought that you'd give in pretty easily," he said, all the
while stifling small fits of laughter.

"Um, did you just call me slutty?" I
smiled at him.

"This is going to sound conceited, I know. But I know I'm
really popular and pretty good-looking - so who wouldn't want to be with me?
I have to admit I was pretty surprised that you turned me down; I wasn't
really expecting a rejection based on character."

"Yeah, um, I think you've
been reading too much bad gay fiction. Just because you're hot, popular, and
gay doesn't make you the ultimate catch for another gay boy; reality is
hardly ever that simple," I said hoping not to hurt his feelings.

He made
himself comfortable on my bed while I stayed in my chair near my desk. The
tension in the room was finally gone, and we both seemed more at ease after
getting answers to questions that were plaguing us. I was kinda stuck trying
to figure out where to go from here, but was saved when the phone rang. No
one was home, so I had to pick it up.

"Hello?" I asked.

It may be hard to
believe, but not that many people call me. I used to be bothered by it, but
then realized it was to be expected considering my unwillingness to get too
close to others... So I guess, it may NOT be that hard to believe. Hmm.

The
phone call turned out to be from Gabriel. He asked if I would like to stop
by his house and watch a movie with a group of friends. I agreed thinking it
would be nice to take a step back from the whole Dominic situation.

"Um, I
don't have a ride though," I said into the phone. Oddly enough, both Gabriel
and Dominic simultaneously offered to give me a ride. Since Dominic was here
anyway, I told Gabriel I would be there in ten minutes. I hung up the phone
and took a few seconds to get ready - inadvertently ignoring the guest in my
room.

"You have a crush on Gabriel, don't you?" Dominic asked, causing me
to stop what I was doing. Silence.

"I'm not a 12 year old girl Dominic, I
don't get crushes. There's no point in having feelings if they're not
intense," I said as I began changing my clothes. Suddenly my mental
soundtrack kicked in: "QUIERO SER LIBRE/VIVIR MI VIDA/CON QUIEN YO QUIERA'
[I want to be free/To live my life/With whomever I choose]. "'Paloma Negra'
has always been one of my favorite songs," I thought as took off my shirt.


I have always been very reticent when it comes to nudity. I avert my eyes
whenever anyone changes in front of me (though the occasion is rare), while
I try to change in private - or at the very least - discreetly. I guess I've
just always thought that there is nothing wrong with a little modesty. So I
tried to get behind Dominic while I changed my shirt so he wouldn't see me,
in what I consider, a somewhat vulnerable state. But out of the corner of my
eye I could see him catch a quick glance of me shirtless. His smile faded
into a look of worry or preoccupation. It was the same look I had seen when
he went toe-to-toe with Gabriel earlier in the afternoon outside the music
room. I found it somewhat surprising that he wasn't arguing with me or
asking me more questions. Interesting.

Once I finished getting ready we
were on our way. My town is so small it doesn't take more than five minutes
to get from one point to another, so Dominic and I made it to Gabriel's
rather quickly. I thanked him for the ride and was about to step out of his
car when he grabbed my arm.

"Edwin, wait... You may not like it, but we're
in the same boat. We're both going through something no one else knows
about. So I think it behooves us to help each other out on this, even if
it's somewhat difficult for you," he said, all the while holding onto my
arm.

"Did you just say 'behooves'?" I asked smiling at him.

"You're not
the only one who knows big words," he responded playfully. I agreed with
what he said, and told him as much. With that, I got out of the car and met
up with Gabriel and our pals.

We ended up watching "Goodbye Lenin," a
terrific German film. I didn't think I would have as much fun as I did,
especially since Gabriel spent most of the time hanging with his girlfriend.
But all in all, it was quite nice. He and I share the same friends, so I
knew everyone who was there. It was nice being social for a change. After
the movie, I asked Gabriel if he could give me a ride back to my place, and
he agreed.

"So whom did you get a ride with earlier?" he asked me as we
headed to my house.

"Dominic," I said as I stared at a park through the
window. The Parks and Recreations Commission of my town had always been one
of the best around. For being a town of only 16,000 people we had quite a
few beautiful parks. I couldn't help but stare every time I passed one of
them.

"He was at your house?" He asked seeming somewhat perturbed. "Why?
He's such a dick."

"No question about that, but he needs my help with
stuff. What can I do, ya know?" I said as we reached our destination.


"Yeah, I guess. But still..." He said. Gabriel was well aware of my
history tutoring athletes, but for some reason he took a strong dislike to
Dominic. Can't really say I blame him though. I gave him a quick smile as I
said goodbye. Although I had a good time, I was happy to be home. I knew I
was going to be thinking plenty tonight.

While in bed that night, I thought
about what had happened these last two days. I knew things were different,
but I had to come up with some sort of plan to control the fallout. There
was a certain peace in knowing that the secret I harbored my entire life was
no longer mine alone - I had someone to share it with (even if that someone
was Dominic). I still had no idea what role he was to play in my life. On
the one hand, he was able to tear down a few barriers that caused me to
detest him so much. Yes he may not be a complete asshole, but I still had no
reason to see him as anything other than a jerk. Until that changed, I
wasn't about to let him into my life anymore than I had to. We may be in the
same boat, but that boat provided me with ample room to keep him at arms
length.

There were still other issues I had to deal with. Up to this point,
my whole life had revolved around my need for isolation in order to guard my
secret. Now that the secret was out, there was no need to guard it, but
rather contain it. The subtlety between the two makes a world of difference.
Before, the whole world became my enemy: something to keep at bay. Dominic's
infiltration of my inner sanctum allowed me to humanize the situation a
little bit. I didn't have to hide my entire self from the world; I just had
to hide a secret from those around me. And this made me feel good - a little
less of a burden to have to shoulder. So I decided to make a change in the
way I acted toward life. My goal was to do a better job of letting others
get close to me despite the walls I continued to build around my
sexuality.

That's not to say that I was going to 'come out' or anything
like that. Hell no. My being gay would still be a secret privy to only
Dominic and myself. It may be hard to be more open and keep this secret, but
I had a renewed sense of hope. Despite all the uncertainty that would await
me in the morning, I couldn't help but smile as I thought: '...EL DESTINO
CAMBIO MI SUERTE...' [Destiny has changed my luck].

I drifted off to
sleep; smiling at the thought of the possibilities that this new hope could
provide for me.

TO BE CONTINUED.

Feedback? edtimoria@hotmail.com