Date: Tue, 25 Jan 2005 20:19:14 -0800
From: edtimoria@hotmail.com
Subject: The Hound of God part 4

The Hound of God
By: Edwin e.

Disclaimer: Do not read this if you are offended by stories involving
male/male relationships, or in an area that prohibits your viewing of such
material. This story is copyrighted to me, Edwin e, so don't reproduce it
without my permission.

This is a work of fiction. Any resemblance to anyone (other than myself) is
entirely coincidental.

READ: There is a little bit of Spanish in this story. For any non-Spanish
speakers out there, an English translation follows in brackets. Peace.

Part IV: grief and hope

The days leading up to the funeral were intense - to say the least. Gabriel
took the death of his grandmother extremely hard. Aside from his parents,
she had the biggest hand in raising and molding him into the man he's
become. The depth of his grief was the only adequate measure of the
influence and importance of her life. And what a grief it was.

For weeks he had tried to prepare himself for the inevitable: he visited
her when she was bedridden at home, and then when she was moved to the
hospital, and then when she fell into a coma a week later. He, along with
his family, stayed by her side knowing there was little time left. But
knowing Death is near is a far cry from accepting Him when He comes. That's
what makes Death so formidable: He shakes the very foundation of our sanity
- right down to our emotional core - despite our best efforts to prepare
for Him. It seems the Great Equalizer only brings peace to those He takes,
leaving behind lives that can only rely on Mourning to begin the healing
process.

Since the day Gabriel showed up on my doorstep, I've been by his
side. That's what a good friend does, right? But it was more than that: I
felt a certain responsibility to him. I came to learn that when he left the
hospital the day she passed, he went straight to my house; he didn't stay
with his family, he didn't go see his girlfriend, he didn't go to
church. He came to find me - as if I could somehow help him more than the
others. But what could I do? How do you help a loved one overcome such an
unbearable loss? When my own grandmother died, I found that only time could
heal my scars. That's what Gabriel would need: lots and lots of time. But I
wasn't about to let him go through it alone, at least not more than was
absolutely necessary.

So I stayed with him. I went to his house each day and did my best to
comfort him while his parents made preparations for the funeral. His house,
which is usually very lively, was engulfed in a solemn pall. I would just
sit by him in his room, letting him talk or cry or do whatever he needed in
order to mourn. More than once I would move close and just hold him as he
sobbed silently on my shoulders. Through his gentle and quiet tears I could
hear a great wail escape his soul, lamenting such a vicious reminder of our
frailty, our profanity, and our limited humanity. He was a mess. And I
guess in a way, I was too.

True empathy is more than just a character trait; it is a way of being in
the world. It is highly experimental, often unnerving, but above all, a
mark of excruciating humility. Sympathy is fine, but a lack of deep empathy
in anyone is a lack of a genuine understanding of our interconnectedness -
of our ability to help heal a broken world. So I internalized the pain
Gabriel was feeling. For not having known his grandmother, her death was
affecting me quite deeply. Spending so much time amongst the sad caused me
such emotional exhaustion. I would go home too tired to eat or study. Those
few days before the funeral were focused on Gabriel and nothing else.

That's not to say I had forgotten about the storm clouds threatening to
swirl in my life. Dominic and I had taken a huge step forward: my admitting
that my feelings for him were beyond just platonic friendship. But those
feelings ran counter to my unflinching desire to remain closeted - even at
the cost of a relationship. I was well aware that the battle between these
competing volitions would cause me much torment. As hard as that might be,
I was more afraid of the pain it would inadvertently inflict on Dominic. I
didn't want to lead him on - to get his hopes up without my being able to
give him what he wanted.

But there was no time to think about that. My life had to take a backseat
to the going-ons in Gabriel's life - at least for a couple more
days. Luckily, Dominic understood the circumstances and knew to keep his
distance. As a testament to his ever-growing generosity, he kept our
contact limited to school - just taking time to make sure Gabriel was okay
and checking in on my own welfare. But he didn't talk about our recent
venture into intimacy. And for that I was extremely grateful.

**********

The funeral service that Saturday was lovely, though in a macabre sort of
way. The mass was solemn but full of wonderful stories of love, admiration,
and honor for this woman. The priest spoke movingly of God's Will and Love,
although I doubt at the time it provided much comfort to a grieving
family. Once the mass ended, we headed out to the cemetery for the
burial. I was surprised to see so many people attend. Of course all of
Gabriel's extended family was present. And there were lots of family
friends, including many of Gabriel's classmates who were there to show
support for him. I made sure to stay in the back in order to give him a
chance to embark on this first step of closure with his family. I think his
girlfriend felt the same, because she stood next to my family and me
instead of near him. As I stood there, I couldn't help but think of what
his family was feeling:

'COMO QUISIERA QUE TU VIVIERAS/QUE TUS OJITOS JAMAS SE HUBIERAN CERRADO
NUNCA/Y ESTAR MIRANDOLOS.../YO HE SUFRIDO TANTO POR TU AUSENCIA/DESDE ESE
DIA HASTA HOY NO ESTOY FELIZ/Y AUNQUE TENGO TRANQUILA MI CONCIENCIA/SE QUE
PODIA VER HECHO MAS POR TI' [Oh how I wish for you to have lived/That your
eyes had never closed/And we could see them.../I have suffered so much
because of your absence/Since that day until now I am unhappy/And although
my conscience is clear/I know I could have done more for you.]

As I was thinking, I saw that, to my great surprise, Dominic was also in
attendance. I probably would have missed him if I hadn't randomly looked in
his direction: he was halfway hidden behind a group of people I didn't
recognize. As the burial concluded, I walked over to him.

"Hey, what are you doing here?" I asked gently.

"I just thought I'd pay my respects to Gabriel and see how you're holding
up," he answered.

"That's really nice of you Dominic," I said as we started walking toward
Gabriel and his family. "I'm doing alright. I'm a little tired, but I think
that after today, things will be a little easier for me."

"Yeah, you've seemed so burnt out these past few days - you know, being
with Gabriel all the time," he said. I turned my head slightly giving him a
wry smile, hoping he wasn't going where I thought he was.

"He's my best friend, Dominic. I gotta be there for him," I continued.

"No, I know, I know. He needs you right now. It's just... I..." He had a
hard time articulating at the moment. "It's just I miss you, is all," he
finally said as we continued our walk. I could tell that wasn't the entire
truth. Something was bothering him - simmering just below the surface.

"I miss you too," I said as I placed my hand on his shoulder and gave him a
comforting squeeze. He smiled as we finally made it past the crowd to
Gabriel. He seemed shocked to see Dominic - or perhaps shocked at seeing me
WITH Dominic. Gabriel gave a warm smile and extended his hand to Dominic.

"Thank you for coming," he said as they shook hands.

"You're welcome. I just wanted to offer my condolences to you and your
family. I know we're not friends or anything, but still..." he started very
nervously.

"I know, and I really appreciate your being here," Gabriel responded. I
gotta say that I liked this show of civility between those two. It's
somewhat ironic how grief can bring such disparate people together. Dominic
and I drifted toward the fringe of the crowd as more and more people tried
to approach the family to offer their sympathy.

"Are you going to
 the wake," I asked him as I walked him to his car.

"No. Unfortunately, I have other plans. I assume you're going?" He asked.

"Yeah. I probably won't stay too long though - just long enough to make
sure Gabriel will be all right," I answered as he started to climb into his
car.

"Maybe I'll talk to you soon then?" He asked with another hint of hope in
his voice.

"Yeah," I smiled at him. I walked back to my family as Dominic drove
off. We all piled into the car and headed for Gabriel's house.

If at all possible, the wake was even more somber than the mass and
burial. When my grandmother died, the family (all 30 of us) decided to go
out to an early dinner at my grandmother's favorite restaurant in lieu of a
wake. We all agreed that it was more important for us to celebrate the life
she had lived - as well as the lives she had helped us to live - rather
than mourn it. So although Gabriel and I were both Catholic, I was
surprised at the different course our families took in this regard. I guess
there is much to be said about subtle ethnic/cultural differences. But I
digress.

As I walked in, I made a beeline to Gabriel's parents. Once again, I
offered my condolences. They thanked me for being such a good friend to
their son; telling me how grateful they were that he had someone who cared
enough to provide so much support and love. I told them I was more than
happy to be there for him. With that I went to look for my friend.

I made my way through all the guests, all the while looking for
Gabriel. Unfortunately, I couldn't find him anywhere. Then I saw Amanda,
Gabriel's girlfriend coming down the stairs from the second floor. She
seemed very distraught.

"Are you okay?" I asked as I came toward her.

"Gabriel's just so upset. He's in his room right now and won't come down. I
tried to cheer him up, but nothing's worked," she said as she gently wiped
a few stray tears from beneath her eyes. She continued, "I know you guys
are close... Do you think you can go talk to him, maybe make him feel
better?"

"I doubt I'll be able to make a difference, but I can try," I said. She
gave me a hug and thanked me as I made my way upstairs. I didn't know
Amanda too well; her parents sent her to a private school in the next town
over. But I got the sense that she was a really great girl, and I was happy
that she cared about Gabriel so much.

I knocked on his door and got no response, so I just walked in. Gabriel was
on his bed, looking ever so devastated. He looked up at me and smiled a
weak smile as I sat down at the foot of his bed. I patted his shin and
asked how he was holding up.

"I'm just so sad," was all he could say.

"I know. Believe me, I know. And I wish I could say something that'll make
you feel better, but I can't. I won't give you any of the sanctimonious
platitudes people usually say in these occasions cuz I think you've
probably heard all of them," I said. He chuckled as he nodded his head.

We just sat and talked for a good 45 minutes. Again, he did most of the
talking while I just listened. Occasionally he would reminisce over his
grandmother but the conversation mostly dealt with random topics. We all
mourn in our own way, and I figured I would just follow wherever he
went. There were some tears, and some laughs, and a lot of random
silences. I finally suggested we should head downstairs, as there might
still be a lot of people wanting to see him. As he got up off the bed, I
looked at my watch and saw how late it was getting.

"You're not leaving are you?" He asked in a desperate voice.

"Unfortunately, yeah. I gotta get going Gabriel," I answered
apologetically. I moved toward him and gave him a final, tight hug. I
wrapped my arms around his shoulders while he latched onto my back. As we
held each other, I whispered in his ear: "I will always be here for you, no
matter what, Gabriel. You can count on that." As soon as I said those
words, his hands clenched my back a little tighter.

And then he sighed......... deeply.

But I felt something in that sigh - something disturbing and vaguely
familiar.

I didn't have time to think about it, though, as I held his hand and led
him downstairs. As soon as we got to the bottom of the stairs, I let his
hand go and faced him.

"Call me whenever you need to, okay?" I asked. He nodded and gave me a
final hug before he headed off toward Amanda and his parents. Upon seeing
Gabriel, Amanda walked toward him and held him. She saw me and mouthed
"Thank You" as I nodded my head and walked out of the house.

**********

I slept late the next morning. I was just too drained to get up early as I
usually do. I woke up around 11:00am, not knowing what I was going to do
with my day. Normally I would get ready for Mass at 12:30, but I didn't
feel the need to go this day. So I just got dressed, grabbed a bite to eat
and started finishing up some homework. Although I had been distracted this
week, I didn't fall too behind in my studies. Once that was done, I found
myself bored out of my skull.

My thoughts kept turning toward Gabriel. I didn't want to impose, knowing
that sometimes one just needs to be alone at times like these. That's why I
told him to call me, so the ball would be in his court. But something was
bothering me from yesterday - something that I wanted to know more about.

It was that damned sigh.

A sigh is just a sigh, right? Oh no, no, no. This was something much
more. I firmly believe in an innate intuition that helps us feel things
that might otherwise go unnoticed. Although my nerves were a little frayed
over everything that had occurred this past week, I was dead positive that
something else was going on with Gabriel.

Imagine a wall: built to keep something in, or something out. Either way,
its purpose is a defense. But once in a while, cracks will begin to show,
illuminating the other side while threatening the stability of the wall. I
don't know if it's just because Gabriel was my best friend or because of my
expertise in keeping secrets, but I sensed something was amiss. There was
no doubt in my mind: that sigh was a crack. For a very brief moment
Gabriel's defenses came down, which is to be expected considering
everything he's been through. Few of us have the constitution - the depth
of spirit - to keep up pretenses while shouldering such overwhelming
grief. And although I had no idea what it was he was hiding (though my urge
to speculate was increasing with each passing hour), its light shone on me,
and made me keenly aware of the wall's existence.

But I couldn't confront Gabriel with any of this. What business is it of
mine? We all have mountains we cannot move and oceans we cannot cross. He
has the right to hide whatever he wants from whomever he wants. No one has
the right to know everything about anyone else. It's just... I didn't want
him to hurt anymore. And if he's burdened with his grief, as well as this
'mysterious other', then he's bound to hurt. I hate it when we realize we
can't help as much as our hearts want us to.

So seeing as how there was no one for me to see, and nowhere for me to go,
I decided to be a good little boy and clean my room. Well, since it's
usually kinda clean anyway, I started rearranging random shit. I moved my
bed to a new position, started rearranging my books, and taking stuff off
my walls. When I was finally finished, my room looked a little better (I
think). As I cleaned, I noticed that the blinds on my window were a bit
fucked up, and that the window across from the door was dirty as hell. So I
grabbed some tools and Windex and set off to clean it up.

This whole time I had my computer on and was listening to music. As I
started cleaning my window, one of my favorite songs came on. As my custom,
I put it on repeat and started singing with little inhibition.

'EL TIEMPO PASA Y NO TE PUEDO OLVIDAR TE TRAIGO EN MI PENSAMIENTO
CONSTANTE, MI AMOR Y AUNQUE TRATO DE OLVIDARTE CADA DIA TE EXTRANO MAS

LAS NOCHES SIN TI AGRANDAN MI SOLEDAD A VECES HE ESTADO A PUNTO DE IRTE A
BUSCAR DIME QUE COSA ME HICISTE QUE NO TE PUEDO OLVIDAR

SI VIERAS, YO COMO TE RECUERDO EN MIS LOCOS DESVELOS LE PIDO A DIOS QUE
VUELVAS SI VIERAS, YO COMO TE RECUERDO

SERA PORQUE AUN TE QUIERO?

ESPERO QUE TU ESCUCHES ESTA CANCION DONDE QUIERA QUE TE ENCUENTRES ESPERO
QUE TU AL ESCUCHARLA TE ACUERDES DE MI COMO ME ACUERDO DE TI'

"Wow. All this time and I've never known you could sing," a voice said from
behind.

"Holy shit!" I cried as I turned around. Dominic was standing in the
doorway with a huge smile on his face. He knew he had scared the hell out
of me and it cracked him up.

"Jesus Christ, Dominic! How long have you been standing there?" I asked
still trying to get my heart to beat normally.

"Long enough," he responded, still smiling. That asshole. I put down the
Windex and went to turn off the song, but he stopped me.

"No, keep it on. I like it," he said as he put his hand on mine to prevent
me from touching the mouse. "You seemed to be very into it," he continued.

"Oh, um, yeah. It's a favorite of mine. I like playing songs over and over
until I get bored of singing 'em," I said. I knew that Dominic was taking
French in school, so he didn't know that much Spanish. That probably
accounted for his amused, though somewhat confused look on his face.

"Could you tell me what the song says?" he asked. "Oh damn," I thought. He
just had to walk in when I was singing this particular song. The lyrics of
the song would probably provide an uncomfortable context considering the
current circumstances of our relationship.

"Uh, that's okay. I'm sure you didn't come here to listen to Mariachi
music," I said as I attempted to turn off the music again.

"Please?" He pleaded with his hand back on mine. Oh, he's good.

"Ok," I gave in. I sat down at my chair as I brought the song back to the
beginning and began translating with each passing line. Unfortunately, my
mind isn't too sharp when translating between languages at such a quick
pace, so I was having a little trouble at first: "'Um, Time passes and I
cannot forget you/I constantly bring you in my thoughts, m-my love/And
although I try to forget you, I miss you with each passing day.'" I stopped
because the song was getting ahead of me. "Is that enough?" I asked hoping
he would free me from this.

"No, I want to hear all of it," he said. I noticed at this point a very
serious look on his face. I think the song was getting to him. But I
continued nonetheless.

"'The nights without you, extend my solitude/Sometimes I've been on the
verge of going to find you/Tell me what you've done to me that makes me
unable to forget you/If you could only see how I remember you/In my crazy
sleeplessness I ask God for you to come back/If you could only see how I
remember you/Is it because I still want you?/I hope that you listen to this
song/Wherever it finds you, I hope that you/Upon hearing it, can remember
me the way I remember you.'"

That took quite a bit of effort on my part. Through most of the song I had
my eyes shut to concentrate. When I opened them, I saw that Dominic had
moved to the edge of my bed closest to me. As I finished the translation he
reached out, held my hand, and smiled.

"I like it," was all he said. We both smiled as an awkward silence took
over. "So the reason I came over," he began, "is to see how things are
going with you." He released my hand and made himself comfortable on my
bed. He lay on his side, holding up his head with one hand while the other
rested to his side.

"Oh, really?" I asked, smiling. I was getting to know Dominic better over
the weeks, and I could tell he was holding something back.

"Well, yeah. Although... I did kinda wanna talk to you about something else
too." He said, maintaining eye contact with me.

"Well, let's get the first part out of the way: I'm doing fine. I got a
good night's rest and am starting to get back to a certain normalcy."

"That's good. I'm glad you're okay," he said. I thought he was going to
continue, but there was hesitation in him.

"So... what else did you want to talk about?" I asked, giving him a little
conversational nudge.

"Us," he sighed. He sat back up on my bed and leaned forward, reaching for
my hands. "I need to know where we stand, Edwin," he said as he gently held
my hands in his. But I pulled away and stood up, turning to look out the
window.

"I don't know where stand Dominic," I said. I turned back around and saw
him thinking with his head in his hands and elbows on his knees.

"Don't you like me at all?" He asked, looking up at me with such a defeated
look. I tried to give him a reassuring smile as I took a seat next to
him. I took one of his hands and squeezed it a bit.

"Of course I do Dominic. Do you think I could feel nothing after what we
did last week?" I said.

"I-I was hoping you did. But we never talked about it so I wasn't sure," he
said with a renewed energy in his voice. He turned his head and looked into
my eyes. We both leaned in and kissed - a simple, soft kiss. He was making
me feel like a giddy schoolgirl. When I looked at him, I saw him beaming
subtle exuberance. At that moment, I was amazed at the part I was playing
in making someone so happy.

"I definitely have feelings for you Dominic, and like I told you a while
ago, there's no point in having feelings if they're not intense," I said as
I let go of his hand and laid down on the bed. He sat back next to me,
searching for my hand again as if he was afraid of losing me.

"But?" He asked with obvious unease.

"But I don't know where we stand," I continued. "We can't be a couple, at
least not in the sense that I think you want."

"And what is it you think I want?" He asked.

"Something public or time-consuming, I guess," I answered.

"I'm not sure I understand what you mean," he said as he turned on his side
to face me.

"Well, like this: holding hands, making out, or being physically close. We
can't do that in public. Although we have different reasons, we're both
still very much in the closet," I reasoned.

"No, I get that part. What do you mean by 'time-consuming'?"

"Well, how about you tell me what you want us to be," I said. I guess it
wasn't entirely fair of me to make conjectures of his feelings.

"I know there can't be any public displays of affection. That sucks, but I
agree that it's necessary. But I want to be your boyfriend - the person
you'll turn to when life gets tough; the person you can't wait to see when
you wake up in the morning; I want to spend as much time as I can with you;
I want to be a confidant, best friend, and lover rolled into one..." he
trailed off. My smiling at him caused him to blush slightly. "Is that too
much to ask?" he inquired.

"Kind of," I said with small chuckle. I ran my fingers through his brown
hair as I continued. "Dominic, we are a people of limited options and
truncated alternatives. How can we be close without garnering suspicion
from everyone around us? Do you think you could come over to my house
everyday, or me to yours without someone raising questions? Do you think we
can talk on the phone more than we do now without risking our secret
getting out? How can people see us as just friends if we start spending all
our time together?"

"I know, I know," he said. "But it's not fair! If we care about each other,
we should be able to do all that stuff."

"Maybe. But at least this way we can pursue whatever's going on with us
while still living our old lives - you know, maintaining our friends and
habits."

"You mean like Gabriel," he said with a little bit of an edge.

"Yes, actually." I responded. "Wherever you and I are headed, he's still
going to be my best friend. You understand that right?" His fixed stare
told me the answer. Before he could say anything I reached over and brought
his face nearer to me. We kissed passionately - allowing our tongues to
gently massage each other. I pulled away and told him, "Remember Dominic,
Love isn't selfish. Relationships aren't meant to be self-contained: with
partners too focused on each other that they neglect the world around
them. That's Hollywood's version of love. Do not take this the wrong way: I
want to share my life with you, not have you become my life. You
understand?"

At once I realized that my wording may have seemed a little brash, but the
essence is what's important. I've always hated how people mak e their lives
revolve around their partners - as if unable to understand that others
(friends and strangers alike) are still worthy of their attention and
affection. No single individual can trump our duty as decent people to
focus on the needs of everyone around us.

"So you wanna take things slow?" he asked, almost disappointed.

"Well, partly, yes. But I want you to know that even if we can't spend a
lot of time together, you're still important to me. You're in here now," I
said as I took his hand and placed it over my heart. "So just trust me,
okay?"

"Okay," he smiled. I suppose I eased some of his worries because he rolled
on top of me and we started making out again. "Passionate" isn't quite the
proper term to describe this newest venture into intimacy. Actually, it
felt..."rough". And I liked it. He was aggressive - furiously attacking my
body with his mouth. In fact, there were several times when I thought he
was trying to suck the air out of my lungs while we kissed (fortunately all
those years playing the trumpet has left me with an extraordinary lung
capacity). As he started nibbling at my neck, I grabbed hold of him and
gently rolled him off me.

"I guess we have differing definitions of 'taking it slow'," I said amid a
breathless smile.

"Sorry. I guess I'm just excited," he replied. "I should get going
anyway. I got the answers I was looking for. Besides, we wouldn't your
parents suspecting anything, right?" He said as he held my hand.

"Right. But we'll see each other at school tomorrow, okay?" I asked.

"Most definitely." He gave me a small peck on the cheek as I walked him
downstairs. He said goodbye to my parents as he headed to the front
door. My mom got on my case for not being polite and getting him something
to drink or eat during his visit. "Whatever," I thought to myself. I think
he's pretty fulfilled right about now...

TO BE CONTINUED...

Author's Note: Hey everybody! Sorry for the delay in getting this chapter
written. I didn't realize how much time it would take for me to write this
stuff amidst my other obligations. If you're still enjoying my story, write
me! I'm a bit of an email whore: I need constant encouragement to keep the
creative juices flowing ;-) The next chapter should be up early next week
(I hope).  Take care everyone!

edtimoria@hotmail.com