Date: Sun, 15 May 2005 16:52:56 -0700
From: edtimoria@hotmail.com
Subject: Hound of God Chapter 8

The Hound of God
By: Edwin e.

Disclaimer: Do not read this if you are offended by stories involving
male/male relationships, or in an area that prohibits your viewing of such
material. This story is copyrighted to me, Edwin e, so don't reproduce it
without my permission.

This is a work of fiction. Any resemblance to anyone (other than myself) is
entirely coincidental.

READ: There is a little bit of Spanish in this story. For any non-Spanish
speakers out there, an English translation follows in brackets. Peace.

Part VIII: beautiful world/'concluding postscript' ('epilogue' to you
non-Kierkegaard fans)

"I also am a man." A young gay man: hell, a HURT young gay man at that. My
history with bitterness throughout my life has been chronicled as rather
mild. Well fuck that! If Dominic can fuck around with some guy at a party,
then I can do the same with my best friend, right? Right.

Nine blocks to go...

I'm not bitter and angry because he slept with some schmuck; after all, I'm
not so far gone as to have an irrational understanding of our
relationship. Dominic and I were no longer together, thereby guaranteeing
his right to move on however he saw fit. Though I hoped that our
relationship had existed above the realm of triviality, the possibility of
its having been unmemorable, at least on his part... always remained
devastatingly plausible. Had he genuinely moved on (no matter how or with
whom), I would have been hurt - no doubt about that. But I would have
gotten over it.

Seven blocks...

The fierce unfairness is that despite it all, he still wants to be with
me. How can I get over anything if I'm still irreducibly involved? How can
I move past the thought of him with someone else if our feelings continue
to drag us toward one another? Even the smallest hope of reconciliation
would force me to deal with what he did during our "break" - to perhaps
offer some sort of forgiveness for transgressions rendered. And if I'm
still in the picture (as he seems to want me to be) then there is no
questioning the transgression; break or no, Dominic betrayed the idea. It
is the idea that saves us... Wow, now I know why Rachel was so pissed off
with Ross in Season 3 of 'Friends.'

Five blocks...

But forget it. What's that tired old saying, "to err is human, to forgive
divine"? Lately I've felt that people have misunderstood that
axiom. There's a reason why forgiveness is given that adjective: not as a
testament to the nobility of offering clemency, but because it's hard, if
not impossible, for humans (the most profane and base of beings) to grant
it. And I don't have to, not with Gabriel here.

Four blocks...

It seems so obvious now: Gabriel and I make sense. Or at least more sense
than Dominic and me. Dominic and I had four and a half months under our
belt - of which only about two months were spent as a "couple." There can
be no denying the intensity of that short time, but Gabriel and I have more
than two years of history between us. And with the recent revelation of his
interest in me, there's a chance of us having just as memorable an
experience together.

Three blocks...

After all, Gabriel and I are so much alike - and not just on big
things. It's obvious we both share a love of music, family, public service,
and apparently guys. But it's the little commonalities that come rushing to
mind: we both have a debilitating fear of dogs and televangelists; we both
shun exotic fruit (I can't stand coconuts and he runs away from
pineapples); we're both right-handed but bat lefty whenever we play
baseball; we're both obsessively compulsive when it comes to oral hygiene,
etc, etc. Aren't the little things what matter - what everyone claims form
the very best of good relationships?

Two blocks...

Dominic and I never had anything like that; we were relative strangers who
just had... an incredible passion for each other. Oy... That's got to be
left aside. Dominic made a choice - plain and simple. And he may be
yearning to ignore this small fact but I won't: every choice is the death
of all other possibilities. Even worse, it is the birth of (sometimes)
lamentable consequences. I can't be one of those people who just rollover
and forgive on the hope that things will work out in the end. I mean, my
God! I'm no idiot.

One block...

Yes: Gabriel it is. It has to be.........

*********

Well, Gabriel it would have been if the little fucker were home. It's odd
too: Wednesday is the one day out of the week he gets the house all to
himself on account of his parents both working late that day. He never
takes that for granted - always staying home. So of course when I needed
him to be home, he wasn't there. Figures.

I called his house as soon as I got home, but got no answer. Then I called
his cell phone - same result. I'm not the type of person who calls every
ten minutes and ends up sounding all stalkerish, so I just left two
messages - one at home and one on his cell - and waited. A decision had
been made on my part, and for some reason, I felt a great need to have it
fulfilled soon.

But he didn't call that day; and he didn't show up to school the next. I
wasn't worried or anything, just a little frustrated. I really needed to
see him. I figured I'd see him Friday, but I should have known something
was going to prevent me from doing so. I ended up catching a horrible cold
on Thursday. I was coughing and sneezing all-fuckin' night; I'm telling you
it was gross. So of course, my parents didn't see it right for me to go to
school on Friday - can't infect all my classmates, now can I?

Still unwilling to leave any more messages, I just hoped that Gabriel would
call me after school. Fortunately, he did. Unfortunately, it was to tell me
that his family and he were going to visit an aunt in LA for the weekend,
so we wouldn't be able to talk until Monday.

When it rains, it pours, I guess.

The problem with waiting was that I had a sinking feeling that Time could
somehow fuck up the conclusions I had come to. Spending the weekend by
myself would only give me time to think; and thinking can be such a
confusing enterprise. I'm aware of the fact that I have a tendency to
overanalyze - that's always a danger anytime I make heavy choices. But I
didn't want to think about this anymore: I wanted Gabriel, period.

For the most part, I was able to keep my mind off the little triangle I
found myself in. I watched a whole crapload of mindless TV and spent quite
a bit of time shopping. Not exactly a productive weekend, but it got the
job done. When I went to bed Sunday night, I still had a stranglehold on my
desire to be with Gabriel. I actually went to bed pretty content. But it
seemed my subconscious was pissed at my unwillingness to think my situation
entirely through; I had such a disconcerting dream that night.

Well, a disconcerting feeling was all that remained for I didn't quite
remember the dream. I knew there were several beating hearts bleeding
torrents of blood. And I remember a dove flying erratically in my
direction.

UN PALOMITO AL VOLAR/QUE LLEVABA EL PECHO HERIDO/YA CASI PARA LLORAR/ME
DIJO MUY AFLIGIDO/YA ME CANSO DE BUSCAR/UN AMOR CORRESPONDIDO. [A little
dove upon flying/Bearing a wounded breast/Was about to cry/And told me very
afflicted/'I'm tired of searching/For a mutual love'].

That song excerpt repeated itself throughout the dream - that fact I knew
for sure. I may be no dream expert, and I may only have had a few bits and
pieces, but it was enough to come up with a general interpretation. Keep in
mind that I come from a very superstitious family where dreams and
coincidences are not taken lightly. My mother sometimes said I was "medio
brujo" - she claims I got it from my grandmother. Either way, it seems my
mind wasn't 100% behind the choice I was willing to make.

So when Gabriel finally came to my house on Monday, the steadfastness of
intention I once possessed was gone.

"So what was it you wanted to talk to me about?" He asked as we walked into
my room. "From your messages it sounded kinda urgent."

"Make a choice, damn it!" I thought to myself.

"I've come to a decision," I said.

"About what?"

"About this." I walked right up to him, grab bed the back of his head and
drew him into a kiss. Gabriel definitely seemed taken aback. No turning
back now; I tried to unbutton his shirt, though my trembling fingers were
making that difficult. But it turns out my efforts were moot.

"What are you doing?" He asked me as he gently separated himself from our
lip lock.

"Isn't it kinda obvious?" I smiled. But the sad look on his face caused my
smile to vanish pretty quickly. "What's up? I thought you'd be happy about
this."

"I thought you needed time to figure stuff out," he said in a bit of an
awkward tone.

"Well I did," I countered somewhat carefully. "And this is the result."
Again, I took hold and kissed him. But much to my chagrin, he pulled away
again.

"I can't," he said. Not exactly what I needed to hear at the moment.

"Why the hell not?" I asked with obvious frustration; things were not going
my way. "You were the one who just last week said that you were looking to
fool around and that you'd be happy with however much of me you had. Well,
here I am, man - so what's changed?"

"I have," he said simply as he sat down at my desk chair.

"In a week?"

"Why not? Apparently you have," he responded with a cynical smile. I sat
down at the edge of my bed, facing the opposite wall quietly shaking my
head.

"I can't believe this," I muttered under my breath. "I swear, I'll probably
die of shock if things started going my way." I turned to face Gabriel
after an unbelievably awkward silence. "So are you going to tell me why?"

"Do you want the long version or the short version?" He smiled as he sat
next to me and took my hands in his.

"Whichever will get me to understand," I answered.

"After last week, I was really hoping that you'd come back soon and say
that you wanted to give us a try," he began. "But after one day, I was
getting kinda stir crazy just sitting at the house and waiting; I needed to
distract myself for a bit. So on Wednesday when I would usually stay home,
I took up my mom's invitation to attend her lecture on The Saint's
Paradox."

"What's The Saint's Paradox?" I interrupted.

"Huh? Oh, it's just the idea that saints will happily endure what they weep
to see others endure. The whole 'riches in poverty, happiness in sorrow,
joy in pain' mentality," he said.

"That sounds pretty cool," I resigned.

"Not to me," he smiled. "But while we were walking on campus, I saw a flyer
for a talk that was about to start at the Gay Center. Something about
'Being Young and Gay.' So I told my mom I'd walk around campus instead of
listening to her lecture and she agreed. I ended up going to that talk."

"So how was it?"

"Ha! Well, it was... interesting," he began as he chuckled. "Actually, let
me be honest: I didn't like it. It was just some old man who was making a
really bad attempt at impersonating one of those motivational speaker-type
guys. He just gave all these empty platitudes and shit. But I gotta give
him credit, lots of people seemed to be quite taken by him.

"But not you?" I asked smiling. I liked it when Gabriel was kinda crass and
rude.

"It's just that all the useless drivel he was saying wasn't helpful to me -
maybe to others, but not to me. I couldn't see him as anything other than a
patronizing 40-year-old with an obvious savior-complex."

"Ha-ha! That's harsh," I laughed. Wow, I'm laughing; that's pretty good
considering Gabriel just rejected me. Speaking of which, "Okay, can you
skip to how this affects us?"

"Okay, I'm sorry," he said before taking a deep breath - perhaps to try and
form his thoughts. "When I was walking back to meet my mom I just kept
thinking about what I did need - because this Canadian hadn't helped at
all. I can't say that I came up with anything really deep or earth
shattering, but I did acknowledge that I'm really happy with how my life is
right now."

"Oh... I get it," I said once a thought hit me. "You don't want to rock the
boat."

"I am still in love with you, Edwin," he made sure to say
reassuringly. "But I love having you as my friend, too. And having that
choice is hard - ya know, do we take the friendship further or not? How do
we make the choice?"

"Oh, so it's 'we' now?" I muttered. He kind of smiled but still shot me a
quick glance.

"Fair enough," he conceded. "But if I'm really happy now - and I am - then
why make a choice that would change that? Even though a huge part of me
wants to go for it, I can only act on the possible danger in doing so."

For a second, I just sat there and thought about what he was saying. Even
if I didn't like it, which I didn't, there wasn't much I could do. If this
truly was Gabriel's final choice, then I can't stand in the way of that; I
cannot prevent someone's right to make a conscious choice. After all, that
was my first problem with Dominic: he had every right to tell his parents
about his sexuality, but the moment he mentioned my name he took away my
freedom of choice - my right to come out to anyone on my own terms.

"Where do we go from here, then?" I finally asked.

"Well, we stay best friends and we become even closer. We still help each
other out with our problems, except now we can do so with fewer secrets
between us," he smiled. He stood up from the bed and sat back down at my
desk chair.

"I guess it must be nice to be at a point where you're so happy you can
forego making any choices that would change that," I said while trying to
hide my bitter envy. He leaned on the desk and looked me in the eye.

"I really do see the unfairness here: I probably shouldn't have kissed you
last week and said all the things I said - even though I meant them with
everything that's in me. But I really do think this is better," he
reassured.

"You know, it was never my plan to come out to anyone; it's just been one
disappointment after another," I said with a slight tremor in my voice,
somewhat ignoring his attempts at getting me to see the bright side. "I
hate it when shit is so damn hard." He came back to the bed and put his arm
around my shoulder.

"Hey, it'll be okay," he began quietly. "I know this isn't entirely about
us, okay? I'm not going to ask you what else is going on, because it
doesn't really matter. But I will be here to help you through it, just as
you've been there for me." I smiled a little and put my head on his
shoulder. "Remember when I failed that math midterm last year and I was so
upset about it?"

"Yeah."

"Do you remember your advice?" He asked. "You said: 'Don't worry about it,
there's always time for things to work out in the end.'"

"You sure I said that? Cuz that sounds like some pretty weak advice," I
chuckled.

"I kinda said the same thing," he laughed. "And then you thought a little
bit and said: 'Situations like these are meant as grindstones. We can
either be polished up by them, or completely worn down. It all depends on
what we're made of.'"

"This is different than just a failed test though," I tried to argue.

"Yeah, but the idea is the same," he pressed compassionately. "When you
take the time to think through everything that's going on, your subsequent
choices are going to show what you're truly made of; it'll show what a
decent, good, and amazing man you are."

"You know I don't take compliments well," I said as I leaned back to lie
down on the bed. "Besides, even good people can make bad choices - choices
that can hurt themselves and others."

"Yeah," he agreed, lying down beside me. "But, consequences aside, what's
the alternative to making a well thought out choice?"

"Ignoring it?" I asked, giving an ironic smile. "I just want to forget all
the drama and shit and go back to the way things were. Can't I just build a
wall and live my old life behind it?"

"Well, you could," he said. "But you'll eventually have to deal with the
fact that it's not your old life - it's your current one with a wall around
it." One of the great things about Gabriel is that he's not a brick wall:
you come to him with a problem and he won't just sit there and listen -
he'll give you his take even if it challenges your own. We just lay there
for a few minutes as I pondered our little discussion.

"Well, I think that's enough talk for one day," I said as I got up. The
silence wa s getting kind of uncomfortable. "I think I should think things
through, as you said."

"Alright," he smiled as we walked downstairs and headed to the front
door. "Remember Edwin, nothing ever stays the same. If things have to
change, you might as well try and make them change on your own terms." With
that he gave me a quick hug and headed home.

**********

So my course of action didn't quite go as planned. Rather than escaping to
Gabriel, I had to actually deal with everything going on with
Dominic. Despite the good advice from my best friend, I hadn't a clue where
to begin. Like I said, I can overanalyze like no other, but I didn't want
to when it came to this.

Several weeks passed and I was miserable. There was no progress - on any
front. I didn't exactly avoid Dominic, but I didn't go out of my way to
talk to him either. And he did the same; I assumed he just figured I needed
a whole lot of time to deal with his admitted indiscretion. But there was
something else going on than just overcoming an act of youthful
transgression, something much more profound was gnawing at my desire to get
back with him - countering my will for a relationship.

Dominic and I may have smiled to each other in Civics, but mine was
continually strained. Our random conversations at lunch or in the hallways
remained polite, but not too substantive. Gabriel kept trying to cheer me
up, but my unwillingness to divulge any information regarding my problems
made it kind of difficult for him to be of any real help. So I spent my
days in the fog of perpetual confusion, just praying for the day when I
would know what to do.

Then things became much clearer in late March when I got the best news of
my life. After 13 years of careful academic planning, including 4 years of
a seemingly unmanageable high school curriculum, I learned that I had been
accepted to Stanford University. Of course I was happy because of what this
meant for my future, but the real joy came in seeing the reaction of my
parents when I told them the news: they hugged me and they cried and they
clamored around the house calling all my uncles and aunts to share the
news. But unless raised in similar circumstances, it may be hard to truly
understand what this meant for them. After all, they left Mexico with only
an 8th grade education and little money; they left behind the vast majority
of their family; they left the very security of their culture. But now it
all seemed worth it: their son was going to Stanford. Their sacrifice had
not been in vain.

There's that word again. Sacrifice...

After all this time in this unforgiving country, there was such an
explosion of hope and relief in my house. My family was really, truly
happy. It was at that moment that my decision regarding Dominic was made.

A few days later, on Friday April 1st, I started walking toward Dominic's
house. I didn't know if he would be home, I was just hoping he would. As I
walked and walked, I tried to rehearse everything I was going to say. But I
knew that once I got there, I would end up rambling and forgetting quite a
bit of my prepared speech.

YO QUIERO QUE ME COMPRENDAS/LO QUE AHORA VOY A DECIRTE/MAS ESPERO QUE ME
ENTIENDAS/QUE NO ES MI INTENCION HERIRTE. [I want you to comprehend/What
I'm about to tell you/Plus I hope you understand/That it is not my
intention to hurt you].

At the very least, I hoped Dominic could understand that thought.

When I could see his house in the distance, a bit of nerves began to kick
in. But I was determined - well, as determined as one could be given the
situation. So when I got to the door, I took a deep breath and rang the
doorbell. I was a little surprised to see Dominic's mom answer the door (I
thought she'd be at work or something).

"Edwin, hello!" She exclaimed. "Come in! Come in!"

"Um, hello ma'am. Is Dominic home?" I asked a little nervously as she led
me into the house.

"Oh you just missed him: he stepped out to the grocery store for a
second. But he should be home in a few minutes," she answered.

"Oh, that's okay. I'll just come back later then," I responded quickly
while turning to leave.

"Oh nonsense!" She smiled. "Have a seat on the couch. Would you like
anything to drink while you wait?"

"Um, I'll just have some water, thank you," I said, as my mouth was indeed
rather dry. When I first met Dominic's parents, I didn't see the cold
people he had once described. But I also didn't see this cheerfully polite
lady in front of me. I was grateful when she handed me the glass of water,
but disconcerted when she sat down on the seat opposite me. She had me
cornered.

"This is quite a surprise, we haven't seen you around here in ages," she
said with a small smile on her face.

"Yeah... I just needed to talk to Dominic about something. It's important,"
I stammered. Her gaze was so intense that I couldn't keep eye contact for
too long; I kept darting back and forth between her face and the little
knickknacks in the living room. Then she leaned forward a little and her
smile left.

"You know, Dominic told us about... you two," she almost whispered.

"I know, ma'am."

"He also told us that you two have had some problems because of that," she
continued.

"Well, not just because of that... but that's right ma'am," I said. Her
smile returned.

"Please, call me Rachel," she said as she gave a quick laugh.

"I'm sorry, but if my parents knew I called an adult by their first name,
they'd be severely disappointed," I smiled broadly.

"I understand," she smiled back. The warmness in her voice was really
freaking me out. But by the way she kept looking at me I could tell she
wanted to talk more seriously. She took a deep breath before continuing. "I
don't know if you knew, but when Dominic was young, he was such a sensitive
child. He would get upset when he saw a dead bird in the park, or when
anyone he knew got teased at school. And he always told his father and me
everything. He would come home after school and tell us every detail of his
day; he was so cute... would you like some more water?" She asked as I
finished the glass she had given me.

"Oh, no thank you, ma'am," I said. I was much too interested in what she
had to say to get her distracted. She smiled and continued with her story.

"Then around the 7th grade, this was still when we were back in Texas, he
just changed. He started getting into sports and he made new friends with
the 'popular crowd.' He was growing up into a very handsome young man. But
what I remember most about that time was that he stopped talking to us -
almost completely. He just became so very distant," she said. There was a
twinge of sadness in her voice. "My husband just thought it was puberty,
you know, going through changes that he didn't want to discuss with his
parents. What kid does, right? And I just accepted that. The house became
really quiet after that; Dominic would just go to his room after school and
spend most of his time on the phone. When we told him we were moving to
California, I thought he'd be upset because he had made lots of friends at
his high school. But he seemed very okay with the idea of moving out
here..."

She took a moment to smile at me. I couldn't tell what she was thinking.

"Even here he managed to make fast friends and become 'popular,'" she
continued. "He still wouldn't talk to us though. His teachers were the ones
who had to call us and tell us about his bullying other students and acting
up in class sometimes. It kind of surprised us, to tell you the truth. He
had this obnoxious and cocky attitude at school, but here he was always
quiet and reserved. He just seemed so unhappy. But then..." She stopped.

"Then?" I found myself asking in anticipation. I must have sounded a little
eager because she smiled wide and chuckled a little. I couldn't help it; I
found all of this fascinating. Even when we were together, Dominic didn't
talk much about himself.

"Then, I take it, you came along," she said. "The second he started going
to your tutoring sessions, he seemed livelier around here. He wasn't really
talking to us a whole lot more, but he definitely had a sunnier disposition
than before. But by mid-December, something had d efinitely changed. He
would run down the stairs with excitement; he would give me a kiss on the
cheek as I ate breakfast; he would ask his father how work was going. He
hadn't been this affectionate or open in years. At first my husband and I
thought it was drugs, but Dominic assured us it wasn't. Of course, he
wouldn't admit that anything was different... Later on, he said that was
around the time you two got together, right?"

"Yes, ma'am," I acknowledged as my gaze went to floor. Though I was
interested to learn more about Dominic, I didn't want to discuss our
relationship with his mother - who knows what I would say.

"When Dominic told us he was gay, my husband and I were both shocked," she
continued. "Maybe having lived in Texas so long we had some preconceived
notions on what a gay teenager would be like. And Dominic didn't fit that
mold. But I guess in a way it made sense: why he had stopped talking to us,
why he worked so hard to be popular and athletic, why he acted out in
class. He was trying his best to be a "typical" teenager. And although my
husband and I were confused at the sudden news, we could both acknowledge
that at least Dominic was sharing with us again; he trusted us.

"My husband and I are new to being parents of a gay teenager," she said
after a brief pause. "We're not entirely sure how to help him through his
relationship troubles... Dominic probably shouldn't have told us you were
gay if you hadn't yet told anyone. But he feels terrible about that, and
all else that happened since then. He's been upset for months now, Edwin."

"These months haven't been easy for me either, ma'am," I
interrupted. Though her tone was congenial, I didn't want her to think I
had somehow gone through this entire ordeal unscathed.

"I know," she responded warmly. "But my son cares about you so very
much. And though he won't say it, I know he thinks you don't care about him
anymore."

"He should never think that," I whispered.

"Then tell him so," she smiled. "I know that your coming here doesn't
necessarily bode well for you two. But despite the reputation he has at
school, he really is a sensitive young man; he's a good boy. I just don't
want his heart to break too much." By this time her eyes drifted down. She
looked very sad, not necessarily to the point of tears, but almost there. I
stood up and quickly sat beside her.

"If I had the power to spare your son any pain, I'd do it in a heartbeat,"
I consoled. "Despite it all, Dominic holds such an important place in my
heart."

"But?" She smiled.

"But Donne is right: we are not islands unto ourselves. The question at
hand is not what I feel for your son: there's no denying that I love
him. But the issue is whether or not I can show expression of that
love. Now, I still don't know the words to explain everything, so I'm sure
it's all confusing. But... but I can't just think of our feelings - as if
he and I are the only ones that would be affected." Though I barely grasped
the thoughts in my head, she smiled rather knowingly. I didn't get it. Then
the door opened and Dominic came through with his focus on the grocery bag
that his hand and eyes were searching through.

"Hey mom!" He called out stopping just inside the door, obviously not
seeing her in the living room. "They didn't have the cookies you wanted so
I just got the cheap stuff." Once he finished scavenging through the bag,
he seemed rather shocked to find me in the living room talking to his
mom. My eyes met his, and I sensed some worry.

"Well, let me take that bag," Rachel said as she stood up smiling and took
the grocery bag. "Why don't you two go to your room, Dominic?" She gave me
one last comforting look and headed to the kitchen. With no words Dominic
headed up to his room and gestured for me to follow him.

"How are you?" He asked me as he closed the door.

"I'm okay. How about you?"

"Things go," he replied. We both stood there for a second before
continuing. "So... what are you doing here?"

"I can't beat around the bush with you," I sighed. "We can only be
friends." The news was like a punch to the face: his reaction was instant
and clear. His shoulders slumped and he wouldn't make eye contact.

"God, I've been trying to prepare myself for this, but I guess I didn't do
a good job at it," he said in a quivering voice as he made his way to the
bed. "I guess you couldn't forgive me, huh?"

"That's not really it Dominic," I said taking a seat next to him. "I'll be
honest with you: I'm still having trouble dealing with what you did, but
I'm confident that as friends, I'll get passed it. But we can't
be... together."

"Why not?" He looked at me.

"Because I'm just not ready, and you are," I answered. "It's as simple and
as complicated as that. When we first got together, I didn't know what to
expect. And as we spent more time with each other, and I allowed myself to
feel everything I felt for you, I was really happy. I'm sure there were
times when we were both on the same page - feeling the same things and
thinking the same thoughts. But everything that's happened these past few
months just goes to show that we're at different points with all this."

"Edwin, I swear I won't tell anyone about us," he somewhat pleaded. "If you
want to keep us a secret, we can totally do that."

"No," I said resolutely. "That wouldn't be fair to you at all. You can't
compromise on what you feel is right just as I can't compromise on my duty,
not unless we're both entirely able. I tried telling your mom this, but it
didn't come out quite right. Relationships affect more than just the two in
them. And I feel this overwhelming obligation to think long and hard about
how something between you and me would affect those around me. Because the
hard reality is that our diverging perspectives will eventually come back
to the fore again. And I don't think I could take it if they did."

"It's just... we've come so far," he said. "It took so much nerve for me to
finally act on my feelings for you. And we've both worked hard to get
something going between us. I love you, I really do. And I don't want to
lose you."

"Hey," I said as I rested the sides of our head together while sitting next
to him. "I'm not leaving. I can't imagine going these last few months of
high school without you in my life; it would kill me to see you and not be
able to talk to you because of this. We were never friends Dominic: we were
strangers and then a couple. A friendship with you is the best possible
scenario in my eyes; remember what I said before: 'limited options and
truncated alternatives.'"

"Just friends..." He repeated quietly. "And what if I can't accept that?"

"That would be well within your right," I answered seriously. "It would
definitely hurt me, but I can't stop you from making a choice if you've
really set your mind to it."

"You do realize this is going to take some time, right?" He said looking at
me with unfettered resignation.

"I know Dominic," I said, putting my arm around his shoulder and giving a
gentle squeeze. "As hard as it's been, I've made a choice. I guess it's
your turn now... I should probably go then, let you think."

He didn't try to stop me as we both stood up and he walked me to the front
door. Even though I truly felt there was no other course of action on my
part, I still felt rather shitty. Looking back I could see his mom peering
behind the corner to see how things had gone. When my eyes met hers, I
suddenly remembered something she mentioned in our little talk. I turned
around walked right up to Dominic and, taking his face in my hands, I
kissed him as intimately as I could. After holding him like that for a few
seconds, I pulled away and whispered in his ear: "Never believe for a
moment that I don't love you." Just before I turned to walk away, I saw a
small smile cross his face. Considering all that came before, I took it as
a good sign.

**********

I was so scared that Dominic had chosen to forego any sort of friendship;
after a week at school, he still hadn't talked to me. I can't say that I
blamed the poor guy. Plus, I guess in my masochistic worldview, I figured
it was just for me to be feeling like shit too. However, slow ly and surely
things began to progress. First there were the small nods of acknowledgment
in class and in the halls. Then came the smiles and bits of small talk
every once in a while. After a couple more weeks he was having lunch with
Gabriel and me just about everyday.

There was always a hint of despair on Dominic's face whenever we interacted
in a friendly manner. Or maybe it was hope; the two are so hard to
disentangle. But we made the best of it, in my opinion. Our friendship
never got to the level as Gabriel but it was still nice. We talked a lot
more in school, joked around, and sometimes even went to the movies and
stuff (with Gabriel, of course). Actually, I was surprised at how well
those two got along once the tension between the three of us became
nominally diffused. No one had any cause to worry: as far as each was
concerned, Friendship was the closest relationship any of us would get with
one another.

There was always a semblance of peace with all of us.

The final weeks of school were so damn hectic! Everyone was worried about
finals and making summer plans and getting ready for graduation. It took me
forever to finally finish writing my damn speech for the ceremony; though I
didn't quite make it to Valedictorian (thanks Stephanie... bitch), as a
Salutatorian I was given the "honor" to speak as well. All these final
plans kept everyone rather busy: I was only able to see Gabriel and Dominic
during school hours. But again, there was peace.

The last day of class finally arrived. I don't know how other schools are,
but since graduation takes place on a Saturday morning, Friday is off for
seniors so we can have rehearsal for the ceremony. Therefore, Thursday is
the last actual school day for seniors. There was definitely excitement in
the air as we all walked through school knowing we'd never have to come
back. All the classes were cake - with finals out of the way, we pretty
much had small parties in each class. Except of course for Civics.

Mrs. Adams, the old battleaxe, wasn't fond of taking any time out for
fun. So she had us sit at our regular seats and began to give us advice for
what to expect in college. I'm sure the old broad meant well, but we were
all kind of annoyed. Fortunately, she must have sensed our obvious
frustration and began asking us about our summer plans; at least this kept
the atmosphere much more lighthearted. Most everyone talked about how
they'd be partying all summer while others said they'd travel a bit. When
she asked me about my plans, I mentioned how I signed up for a summer
program at Stanford to help get a head start on some general education
requirements. No one seemed to think that was interesting because they just
kept talking amongst themselves. But I did happen to notice that Dominic
stiffened a bit. And when I mentioned that the program was for the entire
summer - beginning right after graduation - I saw a noticeable change in
his facial expression.

The following day after graduation rehearsal I received a text message from
Dominic. It was pretty simple - just telling me to go to his house at 3
o'clock. Apparently his parents had gone to pick up his grandmother for
graduation and he needed to talk to me. Hmmm...

As I walked up to Dominic's door, I somewhat dreaded what it was he wanted
to talk to me about. These past couple of months hadn't exactly gone the
way either of us had dreamed. Nevertheless, you live with the hand you're
dealt. So why this invitation - why now, so close to graduation?

"Come in!" Someone called out after I rang the doorbell. I opened the door
and was surprised to find that Dominic wasn't the only person in the
room. It took me a second to recognize the other four faces: they were from
the Mariachi group I had hired all those months ago for the serenade,
though now they were dressed in regular street clothes. But seeing their
instruments in hand, a surprised smile found its way onto my face. Dominic
stood to their left, though smiling, looking a little nervous. He motioned
for me to take a seat on the couch just as the small quartet began playing
"Si Nos Dejan" [If they leave us].

For the record, I love this song. How Dominic knew that, or if he had known
at all, I don't know. As he not so calmly took his place in front of the
musicians, I felt a little flutter in my stomach. That flutter grew and
grew as he began to sing.

SI NOS DEJAN/NOS VAMOS A QUERER TODA LA VIDA/SI NOS DEJAN/NOS VAMOS A VIVIR
A UN MUNDO NUEVO/YO CREO PODEMOS VER EL NUEVO AMANECER/DE UN NUEVO DIA/YO
PIENSO QUE TU Y YO PODEMOS SER FELICES TODAVIA. [If they leave us/We're
going to love each other the rest of our lives/If they leave us/We'll go to
live in a new world/I believe we'll see the new dawn/Of a new day/I believe
that you and I can still be happy].

SI NOS DEJAN/BUSCAMOS UN RINCON CERCA DEL CIELO/SI NOS DEJAN/HAREMOS CON
LAS NUBES TERCIOPELO/Y AHI JUNTITOS LOS DOS CERQUITA DE DIOS/SERA LO QUE
SONAMOS/SI NOS DEJAN/TE LLEVO DE LA MANO CORAZON Y AHI NOS VAMOS. [If they
leave us/We'll find a corner near Heaven/If they leave us/We'll turn the
clouds into velvet/And there, together just the two of us, so close to
God/It'll be what we dreamed of/If they leave us/I'll take you by the hand,
my heart, and there we'll go].

For someone with no history with Spanish, Dominic had chosen a rather apt
song. During the bridge, he took many deep breaths and tried to smile in
spite of his nerves. But he sounded great. He wasn't about to win American
Idol or anything, but at least he wasn't tone deaf. I smiled while he
repeated the second stanza.

When the song finished, I clapped and expressed my deep appreciation to the
group - and the singer too. Dominic was all smiles, relieved at having been
able to pull off such a venture. The four guests soon departed and left
Dominic and me alone in the living room. Again, it seemed he had a knack
for getting me to feel certain things when I didn't want to. He sat down
next to me and we just looked at each other for a few moments - neither
daring to be the first to speak.

"Did you like it?" He finally asked.

"Very much Dominic," I began. "But... what are you trying to do?" As I
talked to him, I whispered to my heart to stay strong, to stay the
course. He sighed.

"I didn't know you were going to be gone this summer. I had just assumed we
would be able to take that time to..." He drifted off.

"To what?" I pressed.

"I'm not entirely sure. I just thought we could spend some of it together,"
he stated. "But when you said you were going to that summer program soon
after graduation, I felt I needed to do something drastic - at least show
you how I feel."

The little seducer spoke with such warmth, and his eyes radiated such a
complete caring that my icy resolve seemed in danger. Where the hell was my
resolve?! And then he leaned in quickly and kissed me. He kept our lips
connected, though in the beginning the kiss was rather one sided. But as
the ice began to thaw, I found myself in the familiar position of kissing
him back.

"We should stop," I whispered resolutely as I pulled away to catch my
breath.

"Why?"

"Because if we don't, I don't know what I'll do," I said simply, as my eyes
met his.

"I don't want to stop..." he trailed off. He moved in again and started
kissing my neck. Goosebumps formed all over me and I shivered for a moment.

"Dominic... we shouldn't... get our... hopes up," I managed to say amidst
expressive pants. He pulled away slightly and wore a serious countenance.

"This is it Edwin; there is no more time," he said. "With your leaving
soon, we're going to be parted, more so than we've been these past few
months. I don't think either of us truly expects things to work out for
us. But the fact remains that I love you. And I know you love me. There's
nothing wrong with living in the moment and expressing that - especially if
we know there'll be no more moments." Again he moved in and nibbled the
other side of my neck while reaching under my shirt and gently massaging my
chest.

There seemed to be a certain sense in what Dominic had said. But I
questioned whether or not I could go on with this. Words and logic do not
seduce - only fee lings do. What I felt for him transcended typical
teenage-hormonal lust; I wasn't some high school kid looking to get off. I
really did love him: the kind of love that doesn't happen everyday. And who
knows? Maybe this was the final opportunity. If one knows that time is
quickly fading away, then maybe there can be a teleological suspension of
the ethical. Knowing the very real possibility that this could be the end
of whatever was between us helped me to make my choice: I didn't resist
when he took my hand and led me to his bedroom...

The sex was great, though admittedly awkward and clumsy in the
beginning. It took such an indelibly long time for me to get used to his
dick - not exactly something I'd grown accustomed to. I had to continually
stop him at first because the pain was just too much. I could tell that he
was slightly worried at my discomfort, but he also seemed anxious to see
this through to the end. As the pain slowly subsided - too slowly, I might
add - we began to find our groove.

To be completely honest, there was quite a bit of time where I didn't see
what the big deal was. As he continued to make love to me, I couldn't help
but merely feel content that it wasn't hurting as much as before. Hell, if
it weren't for his continual stroking of my dick, I'd have thought I was
getting the short end of this deal. But as he leaned over me and kissed me
and nibbled my neck, I felt happy. Even the way his hair swept across my
face made me smile. We were connected more than ever before, and that fact
did not elude me.

Then all of a sudden, a strange thing happened: it started feeling really
good. The pain, though present, was pushed aside as a wave of bliss washed
over me - resulting in continuous moans and a bit of writhing. My hands
clung to any and everything - the sheets, his arms, and his back - whatever
would help me disperse the tremendous amount of energy I was feeling. I
think I even heard Dominic chuckle when I told him to slow his ass down; I
wanted this shit to last, but that wouldn't happen if he kept at his pace.

Physiologically speaking, I knew what was happening: with each successive
thrust, Dominic's dick was banging into my prostate. But my heart and soul
saw it differently: he wasn't just hitting my G-spot; he was knocking on
the door of Heaven itself. Somehow, someway, Dominic was waking the Divine
within me. For the first time in my life I truly understood what Emerson
and Hegel were talking about. Shit, even the Gospel of St. Thomas made
sense: The Kingdom of God is inside you.

Hmmm. Just leave it to me to philosophize during sex...

Suffice it to say that I didn't last long after that revelation. A few more
seconds, and a few more strokes, and I was cumming like a madman. And
Dominic soon followed. He crashed on top of me after our mutual emotional
pulse drained us of what little energy we had. He scooted next to me and
draped an arm around my torso as his head rested on my shoulder. We closed
our eyes and just wallowed in the afterglow. I've heard that after sex,
there comes a feeling of anxiety and maybe guilt. But I can't feel
guilt. And any anxiety I had was forgotten when Dominic gingerly stroked my
chest with his fingers.

"Was it okay?" He asked, looking up at me with a smile.

"Are you kidding?" I replied. "Heaven will kiss you for what you just did
to me." He sighed contentedly and we both closed our eyes, perhaps ready to
drift into a quick slumber. But Dominic reestablished our conversation.

"I have a confession to make," he said.

"Uh-oh."

"I think I might have misled you earlier," he continued. The smile on his
face told me this wasn't going to be too devastating.

"What do you mean?"

"I have no intention of giving up on us. I refuse to consider this the
end," he stated as he sat up beside me.

"Dominic, I just don't know where we could possibly go from here. We're
leaving for college soon - real soon. Can you honestly and realistically
sit here and tell me you think we'll find a way through this?" I
asked. "Because as much as we care about each other, I just don't see it."

"So what?" He said as he shifted positions in order to face me. "We can at
least try, right? The way I figure, with email and cell phones, we can stay
in touch pretty easily. Plus we can see each other on weekends and vacation
time..."

"Whoa, whoa, whoa," I stopped him and took hold of his hands. "Listen to
me. I know what it is you want, and what you deserve in a relationship. But
I can't give it to you. You know that I'm a nutcase with my own issues. For
the life of me, I can't really explain why there's this seemingly permanent
stumbling block in front of me, but it's there and I can't jump over it
yet. It wouldn't be fair to you to keep this up until I've overcome
that. Because I need you to be deliriously happy."

"But I'm willing to be there with you when you do get passed the stumbling
block," he said, this time taking hold of my hands.

"Which brings us back to the original problem: you won't be there. We're
moving away," I said. He looked at me with such a contemplative stare. Long
distance relationships are notoriously tricky to handle - and he seemed to
understand that.

"Okay. All I'm asking is that we try. If we go in knowing full well the
dangers, then we might have a better chance at surviving. So how about it?"
He asked with that seductive smile of his. I sat there a moment and ran the
possibilities through my head.

"I can't guarantee anything... but maybe," I finally said. At the time, I
couldn't come up with anything more definitive.

"Fair enough," he answered rather hopefully. Then, as if to lighten the
mood, he smiled brightly and said, "so you up for another round?" That drew
quite a laugh from me.

"Oh, I'd like to. But, unfortunately, I should get home and finish writing
my speech for tomorrow."

"Awh come on!" He pleaded. "I thought you were done with it."

"Well, I was. But things are different now. I have to change some of it
because I have this sudden urge to make it more hopeful," I smiled. He got
this very carnal look in his eyes as he straddled me and kissed my lips.

"What if we switched roles?" He whispered in my ear. My eyes must have
brightened a little at the thought.

An hour later I was finally dressed and heading home.

**********

I hate speaking in front of large crowds - I really do. My palms get all
sweaty and my voice trembles noticeably. As I began my speech, I tried my
hardest to not notice the 200 students to my left, fidgeting in their seats
under the brutal June mid-morning sun; nor the thousands of friends and
family to my right sitting in the bleachers of the football stadium. Of
course ignoring all these people is damn near impossible when the rules of
public speaking demand constant eye contact and audience engagement. As I
got into my groove, the first half of the speech was having the desired
effect: students, parents, and teachers were laughing and enjoying the
anecdotal stories and good-natured reminiscing. I saw smiles and nods of
approval at the encouraging words spewing from my mouth. But such optimism
must be balanced; I wondered if the second half of my speech would go over
so well...

"I wish I could stand up here and say that the journey we're about to
embark on will be a flawless one; that we're all destined for
greatness. But I can't say that - not because I'm pessimistic or out of a
desire to bring us down on this great day, but because it wouldn't be
responsible of me. 'Greatness,' whatever that means, is so tough to
quantify. Its definition is dependant on too many arbitrary factors -
factors we cannot all agree on. Just like 'truth' and 'happiness,'
'greatness' is subjective, thereby prohibiting me from making blanket
statements regarding its definition's place in our lives. But no matter
what we decide it entails, our personal ability to reach it will be a
direct result of the choices we make and the luck we have. And we may make
bad choices and have unfortunate luck in the coming future.

"But let's put that aside for a second. What I can say with absolute
certainty, is that we are all Great - no ifs, ands, or buts. The difference
between the two is very subtle, but unlike its cousin, to be 'Great' does
not depend on anything we do, or say, or think. It is an inherent trait
guaranteed to us for being citizens of this universe. We are special! There
can be no denying that. So no matter what happens from here on out, I urge
everyone to always remember your worth.

"However, that doesn't mean we can ignore the possibilities our futures may
hold. Things will be hard - it's called 'growing up.' Look around
everybody. This chapter of our lives is closing while a new one is
demanding to be written. And as sad as it may seem, the players in this act
may not play a major role in the next; we may lose good friends and great
loves..."

I took a brief moment to look into the crowd of my peers - to look at one
person in the crowd.

"But it'll be okay. Though I hate it when people use the stereotypical
obscure-quote-in-a-graduation-speech technique, I'll go ahead and do the
same. In the words of Max Ehrmann: 'With all its sham, drudgery, and broken
dreams, it is still a beautiful world.' No matter what life throws at you,
or where your choices have placed you, keep your head up - because it is
still a beautiful world. In being unique, distinct, and irreproducible, we
have the ability to face even the roughest life with dignity and value. And
I know we will - because it is still a beautiful world.

"So congratulations everybody - we've made it this far! Now it's time for
us to stare down the future and say in one collective and unafraid voice:
'Bring it on.'"

I guess the speech went rather well - people seemed to enjoy it. An hour
later, 200 caps were thrown into the air as the proceedings came to a
close, and we officially graduated. Then the organized chaos set in as
thousands of well- wishers made their way onto the field looking for their
respective grad. As I waited for my family, I chatted a bit with Gabriel.

"Good speech," he said after a big hug.

"Thanks. Could you tell I was nervous?" I asked.

"Oh definitely," he replied with a smile. "But it was still good." We spent
a few moments in silence as his family took pictures of us. "So this is it,
huh? Time to move on?" He continued somewhat solemnly.

"I don't think so. I really don't see us drifting too far apart," I
answered sincerely.

"Why not?"

"Because I like you too much," I said simply. He smiled and gave me another
big hug. There was a comfort there - an understanding of our place in each
other's hearts. Smiles.

Eventually my family found me and we had our mini celebration alongside
Gabriel and his folks. Actually, we were both kind of embarrassed at the
constant congratulations and pictures both sets of parents were demanding
of us (especially since we were still in the ugly green graduation gowns
provided by our school). After bidding Gabriel adieu, my family and I were
about to head off when I felt a slight tap on my shoulder. I turned and saw
Dominic standing there with a nervous smile on his face.

"Nice speech," he said. I chuckled a little - perhaps feeling a bit
embarrassed about what we had done the day prior.

"Thanks a lot," I replied. Again more pictures were taken, with my mom
insisting on Dominic and me posing for multiple shots. After a few minutes
we all started walking toward the exit of the football stadium. Dominic and
I walked a few yards behind our parents so that we could talk a little bit
more.

"When do you leave for that summer program?" He asked quietly.

"Tomorrow evening," I replied just as quietly.

"So soon?"

"Yeah... I opted for the earliest possible date. At the time I figured it
was the best decision," I said.

"And now?"

"Now, not so much," I admitted. Brief silence.

"So I guess you thought it over - ya know, whether you'd let us give it a
try. You really think you'll lose a 'great love'?" He asked while he stared
at the ground.

"God, I hope not," I said as I put my hand on his shoulder and gently
squeezed.

"I was serious ya know, about not accepting this as the end," he continued
with a bit of renewed energy. "I really want you to still be a part of my
life."

"Me too Dominic. I did think it over, and I'm hoping we'll make some
progress. We just have to wait and see what the nature of that progress
is," I said. Not exactly a ringing endorsement of perpetual hope, but the
point got across. He smiled and gave me one last hug while our parents
grinned and watched (with his parents smiling knowingly at us).

"It's still a beautiful world, right?" He whispered in my ear.

"Yeah... you're what reminded me of that," I whispered back.

We were both saddened as we said goodbye next to our respective cars.

After attending various graduation parties (as well as hosting my own for a
few minutes), I came home and just laid in bed. Save for a few moments with
both Gabriel and Dominic, it hadn't really hit me that the next day would
literally change my life. There's a certain amount of fear there, ya know?
Being alone and standing on the precipice of the unknown, I sent up a
prayer - acknowledging the help I would need to save the relationships I
couldn't bear to lose.

The next morning I finished packing and eventually set off to start my
tenure at college - resigning myself to both the hopes and fears of an
uncertain future.

TO BE CONTINUED...

Author's Notes: Once again, I'm soooooo sorry it's taken so long for me to
get this sucker posted. Apparently my procrastination skills are still
rather honed. Don't worry everybody; I've decided to add an epilogue to
this story, so it's not done yet. I've already written it, I'm just
reediting it as we speak. Hopefully it'll provide a little something for
those still expecting more. Hope you enjoyed this chapter! The end is
near...

edtimoria@hotmail.com