-Dad `'A little late no?''

-Red `'On the weekend and all my work is done'' I smile at him `'We have a contract about it''

-Dad `'Yes I know, sometime I could wish that you acted as your biological age son''

He take a juice say goodnight and get up. I get to my room shower and sleep. What that how to pull my arm out his socket. Fuck Mike! I look at the clock 07:13 a short night. We ate and go to the park to play ball, my brothers love it by chance I love them. At 14:00 I been free by Tom how walk in the park. At first I freak a little but see that he was really alone I relax.

-Ton `'Hi Red, your Dad send me here''

Mike and Andrew rush on Tom dragging him to the ground in a big and tight hug. They fell laughing and he have to answer a 100 questions, hearing theses questions I learn that they new lot more that I assume they know. Looking at them I feel less detach then a few minutes before. It is frustrating. After around 10 minutes I send the little one away and sit on a bench with Tom.

-Red `'How are the tings now?''

-Tom `' It not the paradise but it better, my parent try to come with the fact that they see noting of it and Seth and I to the fact that we are free.'' Looking with tears in his eyes.

-Red `'Don't be a big smooth about it'' look how speak `'be happy the ass is out and you all could heal now you have a big job in front of you''

-Tom `'Yes we will go in family therapy, I am a little afraid of it.'' Smiling at me `'But definitely less afraid of it than the situation that I was in''

-Red `'Do you want to come home with me?''

-Tom `'yep''

I have to do some work in my head! And the guy do not need a punk how try to jump in his pant. I am attract to Tom. The problem it not my attraction it that I don't see myself as a gay person. I know that I am gay, I do not think less of gay but I could not bring to think of myself as gay or to be gay style of person. It fucking weird. Don't feel like it.

-Tom `'Hey Red are you with me?'

-Red `' It ok I only space out a bit'' smiling at Tom

-Red `' Then what do you want to do Tom?''

-Tom `' Do you want to come whit me at my home to eat?''

-Red `' Sorry I promised to Sophie out tonight'' big fat lie.

-Tom `' So you can eat and leave after''

-Red `' Your on the south shore it take some tome to come back here. Sorry we can do it later on?''

-Tom `' Ok then call me to give me the time frame'' he said looking a little sad.

-Red `' Ok let me know when your parent will not be home? And we can have lunch at that time''

-Tom `' Ho! You don't want to meet them?''

-Red `' I don't want to be interrogate, sorry about that but I hope you to understand it''

He seen to be ok whit it. He left about 16:30 and I get in my room to change clothing. I put some Offspring pretty loud and meditate for an hour. After that I feel mostly as myself, getting down to eat with the family unit and leaving to my hanging place whit only my forearm guard and the Cobra. Was in the Hole early the music was quiet and I was a little gloomy I take place in the back I sing the waitress asking for a beer when she came back I pay and tip her. I can fuck whit girls I have done it with some friends of mine that are girls, bur these friend are only friend the feeling do not go further. I never have act whit a boy, but I feel a lot for them. Whit Tom I don't have the right to intervene in his state of mind. His brother, if we call him that, have already fuck whit his mind enough. Most important I can not to see myself acting gay, my feeling are gay not my act, I am so fuck. Ok do I want to go home and tell the rent that I am gay? The answer it no clear and square. Do I want to risk friendship for a fuck? The answer it no. Do I want to hurt the little ones? The answer it no. It clear I do not want to act on those feeling. Then forget it for now you do not get any good from those feelings in the actual status. What time it is now almost 00:00H. I have drink 4 beers oops! I will go to ate some lunch before enter home. I get in Miss Québec and order a poutine, poutine it is fry with cheese and a kind of bbq sauce, it on the main street. I look at the prostitutes and drug dealer on the corner. It is strange seeing that urban fauna, it always fascinate me. They seem so alive and so fake in the same time. It very strange. Ok time to go home.

Sunday morning, no alarm clock it Mike clock. He wake me up trying to drag me out of my bed, he look pretty excited. I try to have some explanation, but nada I put my jean on and get down. That bad that, really bad, there is a guy around 40 in the kitchen sitting at the table whit both my parents. I took a back step but Mike still walk in the kitchen. I hears the commandant.

-Mother `'Reginald, walk in.''

-Red `'I what up?''

-Mother `' Meet Mr Alain Neuville the father or Thomas'' she said smiling at me.

-Alain `' Hi Reginald you don't look very happy to see me?''

-Red `' I am not happy or unhappy to see you I don't know you'' under my breath `' and I don't want to know you''

-Mother `' What?''

-Red `' Noting, it before my coffee''

-Dad `' NO motive to been rude Reg''

-Alain `' It ok I was unannounced and if I was Red would have find a way to be else were''

-Red `' Could we talk out Mr?''

-Mother `'This not a way to talk to''

-Alain `' Excuse me if you allow it I will talk out there''

-Mother `' If you want to but it don't excuse him for his lack of manner''

We when in the backyard, he look at me interrogative.

-Alain `'Red how old are you?''

-Red `'Will be 15 in 2 weeks''

-Alain `'You're taller than me, I am not here to cause any problem to you, I am here to thank you and to ask you if you can come to see Tomas and Seth. Tomas have been deceived by your answer yesterday.''

-Red `' I am not a good person to hang around with Tom, look at me I have lot of piercing and will have tattoos soon''

-Alain `' I don't really care I have talk whit your parents for around 1-1/2 hours, you are good to your brothers they love you, your very good at school your mom told me.''

-Red `' Cut it, ok it something else, I have to manage with it by myself. I will call when it will be ok for me to go visit.''

-Alain `' Red your mother tell me she think that your gay''

I feel betrayed and humiliate. Felling very tense I turn my back to Alain getting into my room not answering to both my parents. They try to follow me, I lock my door. I heard them talk, I dress almost in full battle gear. I jump from my window on the lawn without hurting myself, when to the shed to pick the rest of my battle gear. I did it all in a kind of haze, I was in emotional shock I need a refuge, I need peace. I find myself in front of the Hole. Beginning to phone around searching for a bed. At the third call I find a place in a loft whit Alex and his girl, he is a good friend looking a bit like Jimmy Rotten. He work as a barman. When I arrive in the loft he try to speak to me I was to num to answer. After few minute he let me be. My mother new, how? and how she could tell to a stranger without my consent? Did she tell my brothers? I have to calm my mind there is a storm in my mind. Control your breathing, relax your jaw, shoulder. When I woke up it was dark outside, on my watch it is 23:25H. My personal life is fuck up for the moment I really don't want to speak to my parents I am not ready and I don't know if I could be ready for that. I call for a pizza, looking in the loft I feel relived, alone. How could she know? It must be my father he work for your provider as resautic techs. He should had read my connection log we have fix ip. Fuck I should have use the modem connection. Dam stupid ass. She could not have keep her big mouth shut, and with Tom father. Fuck fuck fuck. I will not go home for some time I don't feel life it. I will go to school I don't want to fuck my exam. Fuck I hate the situation, I really hate it. After I ate the pizza I practice my Aiki to keep my emotion in control. Shower and sleep again. In the morning I found Alex and his girl asleep I left the loft taking the bus to my school. I probably scold more than usual but until lunch it when smooth. At lunch I see my dad in the cafeteria, I step back and hear him calling for me, I did not stop but he run after me. Grabbing me by the arm.

-Red `'Let go my arm I don't want to hurt you''

-Father `'Reginald wait'' letting my arm go `'We are sorry, it was no intend to embarrass you in any way''

-Red `'Yes sure by telling to a stranger something that I could not say to you, it really not embarrassing at all''

-Father `'I said that we are sorry''

-Red `'I really not in the mood to see you both, if you force me to go home I will quit again and this time fuck my exams.'' Looking at him sadly `'I wish that don't I have to talk to you like that, for now leave me some breathing space''

After saying that I leave him there listening if he follow. He did not follow me I finish my day feeling more than alone, abandon by the person I trust the most, it hurting so much. My brothers must be worry sick about me, I have to talk to them. I finish my day at school without further problems. I take out some money with my bank card. Eat at the restaurant and pick up a public phone.

-Mother `'Hi `'

-Red `'Could I speak to Mike''

-Mother `'Reginald I am so sorry could we speak about it''

-Red `'Later if I can not speak to my brothers I will hang up''

-Mother `'Your tough on me Reg'' I heard her calling `'Mike, Andrew phone''

-Mike `'I is you Reginald?''

-Red `'Yup, are you ok?''

-Mike `'Yes we are, but why are you mad at Mon''

-Red `'I am not mad I have to sort some thinking to do and need to be really alone, it not about you in any way ok say it to Andrew. It not about the rents ok, love you both.

I hang up and leave to the loft Alex ask me if I have problem home I just answer kind of but no cop. He said cool how much time do you need? Around a week if you are ok with it? No prob was his answer. I did my week of exams but not with full concentration, I hope that I did not fuck up for the next year. I almost pick a fight with my gym teacher, he use to peeve me about my look, earrings, eyebrow ring, all those fag look he said. I said to him that if he want his ass kick by a kid with a fag look just come and get it. I have to go to the principal office and get a slap on the hand, sob, I accuse the teacher of making prejudice comment. It was a draw, what new he his an ass in power position. At the end of the week I feel very lonely. I feel it in my bones, but I could not forgive my mother and I could not stay away much longer for myself and for them even the big mouth. How come back without loosing the face? Forbidding to your parents seen weird even to me. Take my place and my right it ok but it as far I could go on them. I will wait around 23:00H to be alone with them without my brothers. I have been waiting nervously to meet them. I was at the door at 22:45H and I wait for the right time when suddenly the door open and my father pull me inside hugging me. I have to breathe deep to keep my cool. For now emotions are not useful, keep it cool, deep breath.

-Red `'Hi dad I am here to speak do you mind?''

-Father `'Stop talking non sense get in''

-Red `'We have to go in the family room sir, we really have to talk''

-Father `'Get in we will talk'' he have tears in his eyes

-Mother `'Reginald how are you? Are you ok'' she look agitated.

-Red `'First I have to told you how I have feeling last week when Tom father said that you are thinking that I was gay. When I heard those words I feel betrayed, humiliated, abandon, sever from the family. Left without the safe heaven of the family unit cut out from my brother. How could you talk to him about that without talking to me? How do you think I receive that. As a bullet in my stomach.'' I look at her.

-Mother `'It come on when he spoke about the consequence of Tom and Seth experience when we talk about the possibility of one or both of them benign gay it slip''

-Red `'I read a lot about it your or your not gay or bi or straight. This not a choice if it was a choice be sure that I had chose to be straight it simplest and easier. Be sure of that. I could not completely forgive you mother sorry. I feel the scarring on my soul.''

-Father `'Remember that your mother you are speaking to''

-Red `'Yes I remember it is the raison why I try to forgive''

Suddenly my mother start to cry and leave the family room. Father try to convinced me to speak to her, I ask him if he want me to lie to her if he ask for it I will do it. He look at me sadly and raise up.

-Red `'Dad stop do you want me to leave you just have to ask and I am out of here. I will not like it but I will do it."

-Father `'Reginald I don't want you to leave but you have hurt your mother deeply.''

-Red `'Not out of my will'' I feel sweat on my forehead and when I get up a spin in my head.

-Father `'How are you? Your very pale''

-Red `'Only the stress I am ok''

I get in my room lock the door and fall on my bed like a rock and sleep even in full battle gear. I wake up at 09:30H in the house it was quiet, quieter than usual on Saturday morning. No TV no playing noise where are my brothers. I undress take a shower, dress on my way out I see there is a new lock on my door. I enter the kitchen the rents are there they try to cheer me up I answer politely but was not in the mood. When the breakfast was finish I get out looking for my brothers. I find them in the backyard talking quietly, they see me and rush on my lap.

-Mike `'Your still mad at us?''

-Red `'No I am not mad at all only very sad'' I answer softly

-Andrew `'I said it to you he could stay mad that long''

-Mike `'So you have handle your situation?'' looking at me

-Red `'Your are speaking about what?'' Tensing up. Mike must have sense it because he grab me with all his strength.

-Mike `'Don't go, I don't know what it his I heard dad talking to mom saying that you must manage your situation.''

-Andrew `'What did he speak about?''

-Red `'Something that I really don't want to talk about now, it the reason that I am very sad it not because of you or the parents ok. I will not be very fun to be with for sometime be sure that it not your fault and even if I don't smile a lot I enjoy you both'' I said to them smiling a bit.

I leave them there and go in my room. Putting my headphone on I crank up the Sex Pistol and Offspring to relax and think. I lose track of time when I open my eyes my mother was in the door frame looking at me. I close my own eyes and when I open them up the door was shut again. What can I do? I don't fond in myself to forgive her and it make me sad as hell. Dad ask if I want lunch I answer that I am not hungry. Around supper dad came in and ask me if Alain could come to see me? I said no. I really don't want to see him. It not his fault but he was the one how break it on me. Few minutes later he ask me if I want to speak to him on the phone? I only said NO. He left the room shaking his head. I hate it when he do that, to me it more effective than a speech. Ok the guy was ok to me he don't make any offensive comment about the fact that he think of me as a gay person. To be true I have not let him the time to be offensive any way. I seem to be ok but he is the one how break it up on me. Bad luck. I don't want to meet him because I don't want to be around Tom. I don't want to be around Tom because I don't want to hurt him. If I break it to Tom I don't to worry about hurting him. But he can reject me. God I hate that. I will wait tomorrow to call. They call me to eat. I answer that I not hungry and it was true. At 20:00H I when to the park to run, I run till I was completely burn out. I walk back home getting in 20:45H, shower and bed. I have to argue a little with my mother how want to force feed me. I hope that tomorrow will be a good day.