"Hey, I saw you hanging with Buddy today in the hallway." Grizzly said to me, as he opened the driver's door of his classic '61 Dodge.
The radiant heat of the autumn sun, and its bright rays, warmed my face, as I waited for him to unlock my door. I didn't respond. I just nodded at him, while I thought about Buddy. The moment Grizzly said his name my stomach took on a life of its own, and felt as if I'd just gone down the long slope of a roller coaster, or like it does when I'm in a car and go over a quick bump in the road. The moment after that, I felt fear, and shame, grip at my insides. As soon as I heard him unlock the passenger door, I opened it, flung my book bag into the back seat, and got into the vehicle. I still hadn't uttered a word to him.
While I was excited I'd met him, I felt ashamed of myself because of how I truly felt about Buddy. Part of me was happy, because he was so good looking and he seemed to like me, while the other part was unhappy, because how I felt about him wasn't normal. Yet, I couldn't deny to myself how I really felt. I wanted to brag about him, I wanted to share my excitement, but I certainly couldn't tell Grizzly how I felt. It was wrong.
"I work with him you know," he said, as he started the car his father had given him. The car he had affectionately named the `Bat mobile.'
"Yeah, he mentioned that." I gave the simple response, as I thought silently to myself about our friendship over the years.
Whenever we'd go on one of our many bike rides, he'd point out this model of car, or that one. He'd explain the differences in each of their looks, and designs. He kept literally hundreds of car magazines, and dealer ad displays, in his bedroom. He'd spend hours explaining to me the kind of engines they had, and the computer chips that made them work. I always listened, but never really paid much attention, I guess I never really understood what he was talking about. As we got older, he'd spend hours on line, looking at different web-sites about cars. He was obsessed with cars.
I remember one day when we were in grade school we had both rushed to the cinema, the same one he worked at now, to see `Batman Returns'. I had never told him, but I had found Val Kilmer attractive. It was my first crush on another guy, and when I first started realizing I was different.
It was one of the first secrets I had kept, my fascination with Val. I used to dream someday I'd be just like him, rich, famous, and good looking. I would spend countless hours, alone in my bedroom, thinking that if I were Val everyone would be my friend. I'd get caught up in fantasies of being loved and worshipped by my imaginary fans. I'd go on line, and look at all the web-sites that had anything to do with Val Kilmer. Not only did I keep my obsession of Val secret from Grizzly; I kept it from everyone. I knew no one would understand. I also knew how I felt wasn't supposed to be. While Grizzly could openly talk about his favorite subject, I couldn't. I had a crush on Val, Griz seemed to have them on cars, so much alike, but yet so different in our ways.
"He seems like a nice kid. Why don't you invite him over for a little `B-ball?" Grizz's voice rang in my ears, bringing me back to reality..
"Yeah, I could do that I suppose."
Neither Griz, nor I, was really the athletic type, but we'd spend a few hours a day shooting hoops in his driveway. It was something to do, and we'd been doing it ever since his father put up the backboard on the garage a few years earlier. I was good with a long shot, and he was good for a lay up. I wondered if Buddy played basketball, and then I feared he did, and feared even more, he'd be better than we would. Maybe I wouldn't invite him over to play, I didn't want to ruin his impression of me.
"How about I just invite him to go to Friendly's with us, or something?" I asked.
"Whatever, it's no biggie, I just thought I'd like to get to know him better. It's not like we have an abundance of friends, Joe."
He was right, I knew it. Since I'd moved to Mayfield he and I had always hung out together, alone with each other. Partly because we were next door neighbors, but mostly because we both were shy. It was just simpler, and more comfortable for both of us. I always felt that most other kids thought of us as nerds, so I kept my distance from them. I never asked him, but I think that's why he kept his distance from them too.
He was overweight ever since I could remember, and we both wore glasses since the fifth grade. I remembered when he got his, the year before I got mine. I felt so sorry for him. I knew glasses weren't thought of as cool by the popular kids, the ones whose parents could afford contact lenses. Griz and I both had working parents, but his dad was a school custodian, and my step dad worked in a factory. Neither of our dads made huge amounts of money, or were thought of as being high on the social ladder. When I got my glasses, it kind of bonded him and I closer to each other. Yeah, we pretty much chilled only with each other, because we didn't dare venture into unknown territories out of a fear of rejection, I suppose.
He parked the `Bat mobile,' in his driveway; I reached over the seat and grabbed my book bag. Suddenly, my mind became filled with flashes of Buddy. I visualized that dashing smile of his; I pictured his butt, as it sashayed in front of me, hours earlier in the auditorium. There I was, innocently grabbing for my books, and my mind was racing with sexual desires. Uncontrollable thoughts pelted the insides of my head; I could feel that familiar stir in my boxers. It was almost as if my body knew it was time for its afternoon work out. I quickly grabbed my things, and made sure as I got out of the car, I kept my back towards Griz.
"I'll call you in a little while," I called over my shoulder, as I ran towards my house.
Just as I opened the back door I could hear the phone ringing. I was the only one home, so I hurried to answer it. I picked up the receiver, but it was too late, whoever was on the phone had hung up. Which was probably best, because I had this sudden urge to piss. My cock was full staff, but I had to pee like a racehorse. I hung the phone up and ran to the bathroom, I could feel myself letting go before I got my dick out of my pants. I started unbuckling my belt and dropping my jeans before I got into the bathroom. Once I got to the toilet, I pressed my hard cock downwards, but nothing came. I felt like my bladder was going to burst. I had to piss so badly. I'd begun before I whipped my dick out, a few spurts had shot into my boxers, and now I stood there ready to go, and nothing came. I hate it when that happens. I took a couple of deep breaths; finally, I was able to relieve myself.
The phone began to ring again; I quickly pulled up my pants, but didn't take time to fasten the waist, or buckle my belt. I was too anxious to answer the phone. I didn't know who it was, but whoever it was sure seemed persistent. We didn't have the luxury of caller ID, like I said, we weren't made of money. So I didn't know who was calling, and I just assumed it was the same person that had been calling when I opened the door, because we didn't get many calls.
"Is Joe there?" I immediately recognized his voice, it was Buddy.
"Oh, it's you. What you doing?" His voice even sounded more soothing on the phone.
"Naddah." I tried to sound cool.
"You wanna come over or something?" I don't know where my sudden burst of courage came from; it just seemed like the natural thing to say.
"Sure. You gonna be around?"
"No, I just invite people over so I can fuck with them."
"No, I'll be here," I confessed.
"You're on John Street, right?" Obviously, he paid attention to me earlier, he certainly remembered where I lived, and he even kept my phone number.
"Yep, number 8."
"K, I'll be by in a few."
"You coming straight over?" I asked.
"Forward, Joe, always forward, never straight."
I hung up the phone, I was so excited he had called me, but even more excited he was coming to see me. I wondered what was on his mind, I mean, why did he seem to have this interest in me? The most perplexing thing was his statement about forward, not straight. Could it be he was like me? I kind of hoped to myself that was why, but I still wasn't going to give into my dreams. No, I was going to take the safe road, it had gotten me this far, and I certainly wasn't going to ruin anything being stupid.
I looked around the kitchen, making sure it was tidy and neat. `Shit,' I thought to myself, `I don't know what his house is like,' a sudden feeling of inadequacy came over me. `What if his family has money?' I continued to mentally assault myself. It was too late, I'd already invited him, and he was on his way. I ran around the house, picking up, trying to make the best of what we had, trying hard to make the place look its finest. In the midst of straightening the place out I thought about Griz, but decided not to call him. I wanted to spend some time with Buddy alone. I felt a little guilty about it, but not guilty enough to call Grizzly and include him.
When I was satisfied with the cleanliness of the kitchen and living room, I sat down. In a kind of agony, I waited for him to arrive. I could feel my heart racing, that same feeling came over my stomach again, the one I'd had when Grizzly had said his name in the parking lot. I'd begun to sweat while picking up; I was so fucking nervous. I worried Buddy would know I was nervous, because I'd still be sweating when he showed up. What the fuck was wrong with me? `He's just another boy,' I kept telling myself.
I picked up the remote and clicked on the TV. I switched the channel to MTV, I love to watch `TRL,' and I hoped Buddy did too. I half watched the show as I listened for his car to drive up. It seemed like an eternity, finally I heard him pull into the driveway. I nearly jumped out of my seat to get the door. I watched him as he got out of his car, and stared out the window of the back door as he walked up the steps to the porch, as soon as he saw me, he smiled. I smiled back.
It was after he came into my house, and we sat down in the living room, that I began to dwell on my past some more. I thought about the first few years, after Id seen `Batman Returns,' how I began having fantasies about some of the other boys I knew from school. The really cute, and popular ones. It was that point in my life where the secrets began to build, and my loneliness started.
When I was about thirteen I began having sexual fantasies about some of the other boys in my classes. I would rush home after school to be alone in my room, where I could feel safe with my thoughts. I'd jerk off thinking about some of the boys, after I'd finished, I'd be filled with such distaste. But no matter how much I was wracked with guilt, I'd do it all again a few hours later, or the next day. No matter how many times I tried to fantasize about girls, my mind would wander back to other boys. I kept all of this to myself, hoping, and wishing, I'd hear someone, or see someone, display some hint that they were like me. I ached, from my desire to find someone I could identify with, and from my loneliness. I didn't appear lonely on the outside, I couldn't, if I did people would ask me questions. Questions I didn't have the courage to answer.
And here I was, sitting with a boy I knew I had a crush on, too afraid to say a word.
"So," came his sweet voice, capturing me, rescuing me from my shameful thoughts.
I felt bad, I'd realized he'd been sitting there for a few minutes, and I hadn't said a word to him. I could feel my face going flush with embarrassment. There was no turning back now. `Forward,' I thought to myself, `always forward, never straight.'
To be continued
Thanks, to the people that wrote me, and told me they wanted more of this story. I sure hope I didn't disappoint anyone. If you'd like me to continue feel free to e-mail me at Justin69SK@aol.com