In Pain 13

All persons, names, places, descriptions, and events are purely fictional. Any resemblance to actual persons, names, places, descriptions, or events is totally accidental and a pure coincidence.

This is a love story and at this time, limited sexual activity, but that will change with time.

I couldn't believe I had not seen the connection the whole time. Neal and I start to become friends and I come out to him, tell him about my online profile, where it is and what my headline was. Then soon after, I get an email from a boy named Jake. I mean, I had never known his brothers' name, but still. Then in the sitting room, when Neal introduced me, Jacob, nothing clicked. Until I introduced Jacob to Kole and Jacob said he goes by Jake. Then it clicked...then I saw the boy, my boy. He had come to meet me. He had put himself on the ledge but didn't want me to know he was there; at least not yet.

I stood outside Kole's bedroom door; a door I had entered hundreds of times before. But never before was my entrance as unpredictable as this one was going to be. I wiped the tear from my eye, reached for the door-knob and slowly turned and opened the door to a whole new world.

As I slid the door open, I saw a tiny figure sitting on the toy-box at the end of Kole's bed. He was leaning over with his elbow's resting on his knees with his hands clasped in front, balancing in midair. Jake was sitting on the toy-box that had so many memories for me and Kole. He'd had that since he was born and I bet when he gets married, the toy-box will go at the end of that new bed as well.

I stepped into the room and slowly clicked the door shut. I had no idea what I was supposed to do. I had never ever been in this situation but it was everything I wanted and everything I have dreamed.

My hand still rested on the door knob. I knew from this moment on, my life would never be the same. This was so much bigger than coming out, I couldn't even process it right now. But I knew where I wanted to be. No...I knew where I needed to be and that was sitting on that toy-box.

I stepped forward with my left foot and I could feel my legs becoming very weak, but I had to make it there. I took a step with my right foot and my hand was still half on the door-knob, not wanting to let go. But as I stepped with my left foot again, my fingers slipped off the knob and I was free, moving towards Jake.

It seemed like an eternity, but then again, in what seemed like an instant, I was standing right in front of the toy-box, right in front of Jake, right in front of another gay boy. I swiveled around and slowly sat down next to Jake, close enough that my left knee was touching his right knee and I, just like it was second nature put my arm around his shoulder pulling him into me.

I leaned my head down and looked at his face as best I could and I could see tears coming out of his eyes. Jake was crying!

I slid my arm off his shoulder and slowly started to rub his back, trying to show him I was there. But, I still had no idea what to say. I just sat there, rubbing his back trying to reassure him but I wasn't sure if I was doing any good. It's just that I had no idea what I was doing.

I looked at his hands and saw that he was slowly shaking. I pulled my arm off his shoulder and brought it down to his lap and slid it between his hands, taking his right hand with my left and interlocking our fingers together. It just felt so right – so perfect – so meant to be.

Once our fingers were together, finally, I looked at his eyes once again and he was still crying.

"Jake, why are you crying?" I said in the most sincere and worried tone I think I have ever had.

He just sat there. I could see the wheels churning in his head, trying to find the right answer, the way to say what he was feeling without scaring me. I was already freaked out and at this moment, Jake wasn't helping. "Jake, it's me, Andrew, you can talk to me. Tell me what's going on." I squeezed his hand with a little emphasis on the end.

Again, nothing. He wasn't going to talk. Without him talking, I wouldn't know how to go on. We both just sat there. I glanced at the clock which read 12:16, only 44 minutes until Neal returned. I had to figure out what Jake was feeling before his brother got there. I needed to know.

We both were just sitting there, I think just waiting for the other to make a move, just like a chess match, not that I know anything about the game.

Then out of nowhere I hear, "I shouldn't have come here," as Jake took his hand from me. The way he took his hand from me, the speed of it took me by surprise. He slapped his hands on his knees and stood up, reaching into his pocket, pulling out a cell phone, pressing one button and putting the phone to his ear.

I stood up to look Jake in the eyes, face to face, boy to boy. We were both scared and Jake was trying to go back in time and he wasn't gong to be able to do it, not here, not this night.

"Jake," I said looking into his eyes as one tear fell from my eye, rolling down my cheek, he looked to the ground, "put the phone down." He didn't flinch. His eyes were locked on the ground. I reached up, putting my hand underneath his chin, raise his face so he would have to look at me, "Please Jake, hang up and just talk to me. I'm right here – me."

My hand was till holding his head up, but he closed his eyes and slowly pulled the phone away from his ear, `What do you want?" Jake asked.

Hell, I just wanted him to talk to me. "Jake," pausing to think what I really wanted, "I'm glad you came tonight."

His eyelids slowly rose once again, showing me the most beautiful green eyes I will ever see. I looked scared but also...safe. Almost like the fear he'd had thirty minutes before had lifted from his eyes and he was now seeing `me.'

I never took my eyes from his. I never wanted to look at another set of eyes for the rest of my life. At that moment, I could probably die happy if I knew Jake would be happy.

"Of course." And I was. Deep down I really had wanted to meet him, somehow. I never thought it would happen this fast or happen at all, but here he was. This scared little man who made me feel whole. And he was the scared one. I hated seeing him like this. He still wouldn't say anything.

"Andrew, I'm sorry I came because," he said as tears formed in his eyes again. "Because I don't want to hurt you. I just wanted to see you in person. I'm sorry I lied to you and didn't..." I cut him off.

I put my hand on the side of his face, "Jake, stop it okay? You didn't do anything wrong. Seriously, I'm really glad you're here." I slid my hand off his face and grabbed his hand and once again, our fingers interlocked and I started to pull him to Kole's bed. I sat down first and he sat down next to me. Our hands never left one another. We both just sat there looking at them, our fingers every other one, my broken pinkie the odd-ball.

I laughed and so did he. "It's getting better, but it hurts every once in awhile."

Silence again. I didn't know what to do or where to go. I just knew I didn't want to let go. I did want to know something though. "Jake, did your brother tell you about me? About my profile and stuff?"

He looked away which answered my question right away. I then could hear him crying again and his other hand going to his face confirmed my fears. I used my other hand once again to turn his face towards me and when he looked at me this time, his face was totally tear stained. I took my free hand and tried to take my other hand, but he wouldn't let go. I wiped the tears off his face. "Jake, please stop crying. Why are you crying?"

He shrugged his shoulders. "I just don't want to hurt you Andrew." Now my head sunk. He thought he was going to hurt me. At this moment, with my hand in the safest place it had ever been, he would never hurt me.

"Jacob," I said putting my eyes back on his, "you won't hurt me. This is where I want to be...at this moment. I want to be sitting here with you."

He really couldn't see that all I needed to be happy was sitting right in front of me. "Jake, I want to be happy...I need to be happy. Your brother obviously thought highly enough of me to tell you about me." I paused, making sure that what I said next was perfect. "Jake...every time I get an email from you, it's the best moment of my day and now with you sitting right here, I realize for the first time how right this is."

"But Andrew, you're not out. I shouldn't have done this to you. I led you on. We can't get involved." He stood up so fast, he broke from my grip. "You just don't get it. You don't deserve what's going to happen to you. Being a fucking faggot. You don't deserve it Andrew. I can't help the way I feel about you but damnit," he paused looking out the window. He dropped his head and sighed, "Andrew, don't do this to yourself...not now." He didn't flinch and neither did I. I was floored. The only boy I had ever truly had feelings for was now just trying to get out of this house.

Somehow I had to show him it would be okay. I slowly rose off the bed and walked towards him. I walked up right behind him and he had to see my reflection in the glass but he didn't move away or even try to get away. He was a little shorter than I, so I put my arms above his shoulders and wrapped my arms around his chest and pulled him into me...pulling out bodies close.

"Jakey, I know what I need and I have it in my arms right now. Trust me when I say everything will be okay." I put my head next to his and could feel the tears on his cheeks again. "Didn't I say to stop crying?" I said.

"Andrew, I can't help it. I shouldn't be here." He was starting to make me mad with his attitude about being here with me. He was the one who did this, who forced this onto me and himself.

"Jake, then why the hell did you come tonight? This is all I've ever wanted...this...right now. If you don't want it, then tell me and I'll let go and I can take you home." My arms were still wrapped around him never wanting to let go but if he wanted me too, if he truly wanted me to, I would let him. I couldn't really offer him anything. I wasn't out yet. After a minute or so, he hadn't said anything and I was losing hope; what little I had.

I started to slide my hands off his chest, but his hands moved quickly to keep them there. "Don't leave me," was all he said. So I didn't. I just stood there...holding him close. Nothing was said, even though I silently hoped he would say something to reassure me that everything would be okay, that he really wanted to be here.

After another few minutes, I again tried to take my hands away from him, but he just held on tighter. "Jake..." and he just moaned in my ear. "Turn around Jake," I said, "look at me." He still didn't let go. "Jake, trust me...I won't ever leave you." He slowly released his grip, which now that he let go seemed like a death grip.

"Andrew," he said looking straight into my eyes for the first time, "I'm sorry...it's just that I'm really scared about all of this and I don't want to hurt you at all because you don't deserve that." Well, that made me start to cry.

"Jacob," I said putting my hands on his waist and pulling him close to me. Our faces were inches apart, our tear drenched cheeks glistening in the light, but our eyes never strayed. I looked into his and he into mine and I felt safe...happy...home.

I looked down at his lips; the only thing I wanted. To connect with Jake, to be one. But I didn't want to push him. He'd had a bad night and was an emotional wreck but I felt like it was what he wanted. Before I could make the decision for myself, he was leaning in.

Our lips met, like they were meant to be together. My hands moved from his waist to his back, pulling him closer to me. His went around my waste and he grabbed on tight. I had hardly ever kissed anyone and I was guessing Jake was in the same boat, but then I felt his tongue on my lips, wanting to get in. So, I slightly opened my lips and let him slide in. Jake's tongue was in my mouth! It just felt so right.

He broke our embrace and looked back at me. His eyes were shinning like nothing I had ever seen. Mine had years coming out of them. He took his hands from my back and put them both on my face and wiped the tears from my face, just like I had a little bit before. "If I can't cry, neither can you." We both laughed.

Before he got his hands off my face, I leaned in and kissed him again. If I had any doubts before this night about being gay, they had all but been obliterated standing there with Jake in my arms, my lips on his. We broke the kiss quickly and he just laid his head on my chest and we wrapped our arms around each other.

It seemed so right to just be standing together with another boy. I was so glad Jake had come tonight. Never in my wildest dreams did I think I would even get to meet him, let alone tonight. I just wish he'd open up right now and just see how much I really did care for him.

"Yeah," I mustered out; as Jake held me tighter. "It's okay," I whispered to him.

"Jake," I said putting my hand on his head, rubbing it ever so slightly, "it's going to be okay. Trust me."

He looked at me with those green eyes that looked so tired, so drained from the last hour and released his grip and we began to separate. He grabbed my hand as I made my way towards the toy-box...me pulling him along.

"Come in," I said as we sat down on the box of memories. The place this whole charade had begun. We were sitting in the same positions we had been before, he on my left, our hands interlocked.

The door opened and in walked Kole. He looked at us, both with tear streaked faces, "Are you guys okay?"

I looked up at him and just nodded. I honestly didn't know what to say to my friend at that point. "Neal is downstairs to pick Jake up," Kole said. He just stood there. We just sat there. "What should I tell him?"

I looked at Jake, not sure what he wanted to do at this point. I whispered at a level Kole could hear, "Jake, we gotta go. Your brother is downstairs." Nothing...he didn't move. He almost seemed scared. So, I took the lead again and stood up. But Jake didn't flinch.

I knelt down in front of him, putting his hands in mine and peering up at him, "Jakey, everything is going to be okay." I looked at his hands in mine; the right place, the only place. He released his hands and put one out for me. I took it ever so gently and pulled him up off the toy-box and never let go of his hand. Kole led the way out of the room and down the hallway towards the stairs.

I was sure Neal would be at the bottom of the stairs by the front door waiting for his brother. Our hands were still locked when we reached the top of the stairs. Neal was looking right up at us he glanced at his brother then locked onto me. I was trying to figure out what he was thinking. I was on the right and Jake was on the left as we went down the stairs together. Kole was already at the bottom, not sure what to do with himself.

The whole way down the stairs, Neal never took his eyes off me. I guess he was just trying to make sure I hadn't hurt his brother. I could really see in his eyes how much he cared about his brother. It was the same look I'd seen from Kole.

We reached the bottom and there was about six feet between us and Neal but it felt like he was towering over me. Neal just smiled and turned his head back to Jake. "Have a good time bro?"

Jake let go of my hand faster than a stock-car on diesel. He immediately threw his arms around his brother who promptly hugged him back. It was a great site to see. I heard a whisper, "The best."

Kole turned to me and I looked at him and I just shook my head; I didn't know what was going to happen or really what had happened over the last hour.

They broke the hug and Neal stuck his hand out to Kole, "Thanks for letting my brother stay."

"Okay, we have to get home," Neal said as he opened the front door, kind of pushing Jake out. "Thanks again you guys. Call us and we can all hang out sometime."

Jake's head was hanging again and I turned to Kole, "I'll be right back," then turned to the two guys and said, "I'll walk you guys out."

I pulled the door shut behind me and walked behind them to Neal's truck. Neal got to the driver side and Jake made his way to the passenger side. I stopped at Neal's door first. I threw my arms around him too. "Thanks Neal."

He hugged back, "None needed, but I think you two have a lot to work out Andy. Be careful with him."

"I will," I whispered back. He opened his door and I walked around the front of the truck to go say goodbye to Jake, who was standing outside his door. He was leaning against the door, looking at the ground.

I put my hand in his and raised it up and pulled us closer. Our faces were almost touching and he raised his face to mine. I leaned down and placed my lips ever so gently on his, a good-night kiss. "Thanks for coming tonight," I said.

He had tears again. He looked like he was holding something back but I didn't want to force it out of him. I wanted him to do this on his own. I took my free hand and wiped the tears that were already falling from his eyes. "It's okay Jake...really." I was starting to get tears in my eyes too and I looked up at the clear sky, the stars sparkling in the early morning hour and when I did, he put his other hand around me and pulled us close so his head was resting on my chest again.

I felt safe...finally. "Jake you have to go." Nothing. "I promise I'll call you as soon as I get up."

"Andrew," Jake began, "don't get mad at me, but..." and then he stopped. He pulled away and looked into my eyes, almost like he was searching for something. "Would you stay with me tonight? At my house?"

I was stunned. Never in a million years did I think he would ask that. But then again, this whole night had been crazy. "Jake, I have to help Kole clean up the party." He looked down and withdrew his arms from my waist.

"Oh, just go already!" Kole said from the open garage door. I hadn't even heard him taking out the trash. "Just come back in the morning and we'll clean up."

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