In Pain 14

All persons, names, places, descriptions, and events are purely fictional. Any resemblance to actual persons, names, places, descriptions, or events is totally accidental and a pure coincidence.

This is a love story and at this time, limited sexual activity, but that will change with time.

Jake and I huddled close in Neal's pickup on the ten minute ride back to his house. I just couldn't believe I was here...in Neal's truck with his little brother's hand in mine. Never in my dreams did I think something like this would happen. The night's events were a blur to me from about midnight on. But here I was, 1:30 a.m. and we were pulling into the Howell's driveway.

As we climbed out of the truck, Jake and I never broke the stranglehold on our hands. I never wanted to let go and I don't think he did either. We walked in the front door and I could tell their parents were asleep...thank god. I wasn't sure I could deal with anything tonight. I wanted to speak with Neal if I could get alone with him, but I wasn't sure I'd be able too. I took my shoes off at the door, as the other two boys did and I stopped Jake.

"Jake, can I talk with Neal for a minute?" I pleaded with my eyes. He looked scared and I felt him squeeze my hand. I squeezed his hand back and looked over to Neal for some help who had stopped walking away. He looked at his brother and nodded. Jake let go of my hand and walked away. I wasn't sure where he was going -- but I presumed I'd find him.

A small grin appeared on his face and he lowered his head. Before he knew what hit him, I was wrapping my arms around him. "Thank you Neal. Thank you."

He returned my embrace, "No problem. I'm just glad it kinda worked out. I felt bad keeping it from you, but he made me promise. I'm sorry I told him about you, but I thought you'd be okay with it."

I pulled away from him, "I trust you." Then something popped into my head. Should I even be here. He could tell I was starting to worry.

He put a hand on my shoulder, "Andrew, don't worry about it. You'll be just fine. If they see you, they'll keep your secret. My brother will be sure they know to keep it private. They're cool with him so they'll be cool with you. Just let things happen buddy. It'll all be okay."

What he said really reassured me that I was going to be okay. He told me how to find Jake and I started walking. It was very similar to the walk I did back at my house; scared, confused...only this time, I had at least some idea of what was going to happen.

I got to his door and he was sitting at his computer. I just stood there watching him. He was so cute, those fingers chatting away with about a half-dozen instant message boxes open.

He turned in his chair, "Nah...not like you or my brother. You guys are the popular ones."

I laughed. I guess I was kinda popular. I'd never really thought about it until he said that. I pointed at his screen, "People want you -- you better talk." He turned back to the screen and I slowly walked into the room. I started to look around. It wasn't your typical room but I really liked it. The walls were covered in pictures and posters. It was pretty impressive.

I walked to the one wall that was just pictures upon pictures taped up on the wall in a collage. It was sweet. Most of the pictures were of athletes or male models. I just stood there in awe. Soon I felt a set of arms wrap around my waste, "Do you like it?"

I just smiled. "Jake, I love it." I sighed and looked at the wall of beauty. "I don't see my picture up there anywhere though. What's up with that?"

I was just talking to buy time. I had something I needed to ask him, but I wasn't sure how. I didn't want him to cry again -- I wouldn't be able to handle that. We just stood there, me looking at his wall, him holding me tight, not wanting to let go and me not wanting him too.

"Jake, we need to talk." I said. He released his grip on me and I took his hand in mine. I walked us over to his bed and I sat at the foot of the bed and pulled him to sit in front of me. I sat with my legs wide open, him cross-legged.

I started fidgeting and wasn't sure how to really ask my most pressing question. My eyes were focused on my hands -- playing with the comforter until a hand reached out and was placed on top of my own. It calmed me down. I looked up and asked, "Jake, why did you want me to come over tonight?"

I waited for an answer. I needed one though. I needed to know what he wanted and what I could offer.

I looked up and watched him struggle for an answer. We locked eyes again. I melted in them. Just the way they glistened. But he looked sad. "I'm sorry if I pushed you to come here," was all he said.

"No," I started, scooting closer to him. "That's not it at all. I'm just so new to this, I don't even know what I'm supposed to do."

I was looking down again but I could feel him scoot closer to me as well. I was still looking down when his hand was on the side of my face, "Andrew, I'm new to this too okay? We'll figure it out. Just like you said, it'll all be okay."

I felt the tears start to well up. "Oh, don't do that babe," he said wiping them away. He had called me babe. I liked it. It made me feel loved and wanted and...safe. I was safe. He got close enough to wrap both his arms around me and I put my face into his shoulder. Then we slowly lay down on the bed, his arms wrapped around me and my one hand clutching to his shirt. I never wanted to leave. This was now home.

"Jakey, I'm scared." I really was. I wasn't sure what I was doing or why I was doing it. I didn't know how this whole thing would soon affect my life.

He just rubbed my back. "I know you are Andrew but I'll always be here for you."

We didn't say another word for awhile. He just held me as I laid there in his arms. But he suddenly stopped rubbing my back. "What...what's wrong Jake?"

I leaned up on my elbow and saw a look of concern on his eyes. "It's just, I'm out to my family and you're not. I wanna be happy and I know that I am with you and I don't want to push you into something you're not ready for." He paused and I could tell he was working up the nerve to say something and I didn't want to interrupt him. "I know I like you Andrew and you said something in your house; did you mean it?" He looked at me for an answer but I really didn't know what he was asking.

That hit me. How could I answer that? Honestly was the only way. "Jake, this is what I want. No, that's not right. This is what I need. And right now, it's the only thing." I leaned in and kissed him.

I laid back down on his chest. It was weird. I always thought I would be the one to be the comforter, but I guess I had been earlier. Now, I was sleeping in this amazing boys' arms.

"Good morning," Jake said looking into my eyes. I just smiled, remembering the events of the night before. It felt just like a dream. No way could it happen.

"Morning," I said returning the look into his eyes. He started rubbing my hair, which I am sure was messed up beyond belief.

"Thanks for last night Andrew," Jake said, gazing into my eyes like he had last night in the driveway. I loved it when he did.

It was if it was meant for me to be in that bedroom...alone with the greatest, kindest and most loving guy I had ever met -- besides Kole of course.

"Jake," I started, then I looked down at his chest, trying to find the words, "I have waited so long to find someone and now you're here. I just can't believe it." As I looked up, a tear dropped onto his chest and we locked eyes once again.

He took his thumb and wiped the rest of my tears away. "Andrew, I know what you mean." He laid his head back down on the pillow and I returned my head to its place on his chest and he stroked my head. We laid there for what seemed like the whole day, but it was really only a few more minutes.

Jake pulled my head off his chest and looked at me, "Oh, WE are?" I just laughed.

"If you don't want to, don't worry about it. In fact, I think I should go alone, that way Kole and I can talk about some stuff." I could see his expression change from one of excitement because I was there to one of hurt because I didn't want him to be with me. I slid myself off of him so I could put both my hands on the sides of his face, "No Jakey! It's not you, I just need to talk to him."

His eyes told me he understood but was still hurt by the fact that I was going to leave him.

I walked up the stairs of Kole's front porch and there he sat waiting with a warm cup of apple cider. He just handed me my glass and smiled.

"Oh nothing," Kole said shaking his head. "I just haven't seen a smile on your face like this in a long time." I lowered my head at the thought of Kole knowing why I was smiling. "Oh no you don't. You're not hiding it from me. I've worked too hard to get you to be like this my friend. I get to see that smile all day!"

"Or at least until the boy comes and takes you away from me," Kole finished. I gave him a punch to the arm for that one. Hey, he deserved it. "So, are you going to tell me about last night, or am I going to have to beat it out of you?"

I sighed and started right from the beginning. The bedroom, he crying and trying to keep me away, even though we both knew that wasn't what we wanted. The hug, the hands and the kiss. The sleeping together and the unbelievable happiness that came with the sunrise.

I finished and seemed to breathe for the first time since starting the story. When I finished, I looked at Kole who had a huge grin on his face.

I leaned in and hugged my best friend, "Kole, thanks for always being here for me. You mean the world to me and owe you everything," I said.

Kole signed, "Andy, the only thing you owe me is to do everything in your power to stay happy. That's it."

We broke our embrace and just sat there in silence. It was something new for us: me being happy. We didn't say a word, just the sound of us sipping our warm drinks.

I laughed. Then I smiled. I liked hearing that: boyfriend. "You can meet him anytime you want."

We went inside and started to clean up. It actually wasn't too bad so it wasn't going to take us long. We had only been cleaning for a few minutes when Kole started talking again.

I about lost it. I threw the can I was picking up at him as hard as I could. "Dude, what if your parents hear that?!?!"

Kole looked really hurt. "Andy, I'm sorry. They left this morning, so no one is home. It's okay."

"Kole," I started. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean to. It's just I'm so scared about everyone finding out. I'm still not ready for that."

"I understand and I'm sorry too." We went back to cleaning in silence. It was going to be hard.

"I really am sorry, I'm just scared, ya know? I never thought I would find someone this quick and have to deal with this stuff."

We kept cleaning and we were nearing completion when my cell phone went off. It was Neal.

"So, you sleep with my brother and then just leave him?" he asked. I was floored.

"Neal!" I yelled. "That's not it at all! I would never do that to him. I just had to..." he stopped me laughing.

"Okay...I'm sorry," he said. "I shouldn't have done that. I was just messing with my brother's boyfriend -- that's all. I'm soooo sorry man. I won't do it again. For awhile at least."

"Oh just helping Kole clean up after the party. Did you have a fun time last night?"

He laughed again. Then he whispered something away from the phone so I couldn't hear it. "Oh nothing. Just that he had a good time and can't wait to see you again." There...he laughed again.

There was a silence, then the voice I wanted to hear. "Yes? Can I help you?" the voice asked.

"Um, no I couldn't. When do I get to see you again?" He could really be cute sometimes.

We talked for a few minutes and agreed to meet up at about three at his house and we'd spend the rest of the day together.

Kole and I finished up pretty quick so I went home to catch a small nap. I needed it after the roller coaster ride of the last 18 hours.

Jake was throwing a football in the front yard with his brother when I pulled up. Jake practically sprinted to me and wrapped his arms around me. I was stunned, but also mad at him. How could he do this in the open? He knew where I was in that department. I ended the embrace quickly and grabbed the ball from him and paused.

It felt good to hold the ball and throw it again. Ever since the championship game, I hadn't touched a football. This was right. Holding it in my hands, feeling the animal skin mold with my hand.

"Are you okay?" Jake asked looking into my eyes. I melted like I had this morning. It was his eyes I loved the most.

I sighed. "Yeah, just thinking about football that's all." I dropped back and tossed a perfect pass to Neal who was waiting across the yard. It felt good. In fact, it felt great. Throwing a football is the only thing I felt like I was good at. It's the only thing I have ever known...until now.

"So what do you want to do Andrew?" Jake asked, looking into my eyes. We were lying on Jake's bed on our sides, just dreaming the day away. I didn't want to move. I just wanted to stay there and not leave the sight of this boy.

"I just want to stay here," I said, "with you." Jake lowered his head and smiled on the inside. "Oh no you don't!" I said, reaching out his hand and pulling Jake's eyes back up. There were tears welling up in his eyes. I was torn, cause I didn't know whether it was a good or a bad thing. He just smiled.

We just laid there, then I heard the music in the background. The radio was playing a Billy Gilman song. I hadn't heard one of his songs for at least a year. It was one of my favorite songs, "Spend Another Night," and for some reason, the words really hit me this time around.

I instantly knew when I saw you
You and I would be forever
Hearts never apart true from the start
To each other and together
There's nothing we can't do
And until the end of time
If you tell me you'll be mine
I'm Never gonna spend another night
Without you in my dreams
For the rest of my life
I'm gonna reach out to you honestly and try
To give you what you need
With all of my might
'Cause nothing has ever felt so real and so right
I'm never gonna spend another night

As the words were being sung, I started to cry and Jake immediately noticed. "Andrew," he said putting his hand on my back, "what's wrong?"

I sat there for a moment, pondering my next move. Here I was, on Jake's bed, crying to a stupid song and yet I knew what I was feeling. I leaned in and wrapped my arms around him; best I could and just cried. He in turn, did the same, but without the crying.

"Andrew, tell me what's wrong," Jake pleaded. I looked into his eyes and I knew I had to tell him. I needed to tell him.

"It's just that I hate what I am doing." I could see the hurt flood his eyes and knew that had come out all wrong. "No, not like that Jake. I mean, with my life. I see you and how you are with your brother and your parents and how you are cool with being g.... well, ya know, liking guys." I stopped. I wasn't sure where I wanted to go with this.

"I just wish I was more like you. You are everything I want to be in life and I can't believe you are here with me." When I finished, he wrapped his arms around me tighter than anyone ever had and he just held me. I finally finished crying and fell asleep in his arms and that's how I awoke two hours later to my cell phone ringing.

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