In Pain

All persons, names, places, descriptions, and events are purely fictional. Any resemblance to actual persons, names, places, descriptions, or events is totally accidental and a pure coincidence.

This is a love story and at this time, limited sexual activity, but that will change with time.

I woke up very tired but ready to get to work on another semester of school. It was going to be hard to be away from my new boyfriend but I would have to get used to it. I knew I was going to get to see him this afternoon though. I was also going to be meeting this new guy, Ryan which has me pretty nervous, but I knew it would be okay.

It's like the unwritten code I guess in the gay world and I was starting to see it. I guess we protect each other.

"I suppose. I've got a lot of things to do though, if that's possible on the first day of the semester."

I tensed up. I hated lying to him, to my friends, to my family, but I had to for now. I just wasn't ready. "Nah man, you'll be the first to know when I do though. I bet you have a ton of girls, right?"

"Not really, I have a few on the radar I'm gunna work on this week, but I'll keep ya posted bro."

The morning started pretty uneventful; class as usual. Kole and I had first period together, Geometry. Not cool. I was not a math student at all. I was a football player. That's the only thing I knew. But I needed to find something else. I needed a new outlet for me, for my emotions, for my thoughts, for my talents.

I had second period study hall and this is when I was going to meet Ryan. I wasn't sure how I was going to know who he was, but I guess it would all work itself out.

The advisor took roll then let us get to work. I walked up to get the pass to go to the library and so did another guy. We signed out and started walking to the library. I stole glances at him, just sizing him up. I saw him write his name down so I knew it was him. I had seen him around school, but I couldn't put my finger on how I knew him.

We got to the library and I signed out one of the study rooms and Ryan followed me and shut the door behind us. We sat down at the table across from each other and he stuck out his hand. "Hey Andrew, I'm Ryan."

I reached my hand out to his and took it into mine. There, we had met, could I go now? I was so nervous but I needed to do this. He had asked to meet me, so obviously there was something on his mind.

He chuckled, "A lot of things; football, basketball, boys, ya know -- the usual."

I looked up into the lights. This was going to be worse than I thought. "Just three. My best friend Kole, Neal Howell and his brother Jake. And now you I guess. But I plan on keeping it there for awhile."

"Oh dude, I totally understand. However, I am a little different than you. I want to tell my friends and my team. I want a boyfriend and coming out will totally help that."

I couldn't help but hear the sincerity in his voice. Then I got it! He was Ryan Evans, the star freshman on our state-ranked basketball team. Not only that, I remembered where I had seen him. He was the boy who had come up to at that dance last fall and asked how I was and I had brushed him off as just another fan.

"Wow, telling your team? You're ready for that?" I asked questioning something he obviously had thought long and hard about.

"Yeah I know, it sounds crazy. But I've already told the coaches and they said they'd stand by me whenever I decided to tell the whole team. My family knows, so there are no problems there. I just need to find the right time but I want it to be this season."

"Just being a friend is enough. Obviously I wouldn't mind hanging out with you and getting to know you more and all since you are the star quarterback and all. I guess I didn't even ask you if you had a boyfriend or not?"

I slid down in my chair and he caught the movement right away and sat straight up in his. "You do!" he yelped then looked around to make sure no one had heard him.

"Yeah, I guess I do. We've only been dating for about a week, but I am very happy."

He reached across the table and took my hand in his and said, "I'm really happy for you Andrew. And whenever you're ready to tell more people, I will be here for you."

I blushed a little and lowered my head, "Thanks man, that...a...means a lot." I however couldn't say the same thing back to him, cause I couldn't promise him that I could stand up for him and I hated myself for it.

We talked for the next half hour about classes, boys we thought were cute, the problems with the world and then we hit the topic of school dances.

I laughed as I had to think about it for a second. Guess that tells you what that night meant to me.

The night slowly came back to me. "Oh yeah, I took Vanessa. She was great, but I was a horrible date."

He laughed in return. "Yeah, I could tell." I looked up at him, wondering what he meant by that comment.

"Yeah, you were sitting all by yourself while she danced the night away dude. Why do you think I came over and talked to you?"

Then it all came back to me. A guy did come over and talk to me... I had brushed him off as just another star-struck fan. But here was the guy and he actually cared about me. "Dude, I'm so sorry I was an ass to you that night. I just wasn't in a good place. I feel horrible."

He laughed again. It was the cutest laugh. Just like Jake's; only different. It had this cuteness to it that I could tell was infectious. "Andy, it's no problem. I could tell you were mad and I wanted to see if I could help."

I just sat there. Wow, what a week. Meet Jake, kiss Jake, sleep with Jake, cry with Jake, meet Ryan, hold Ryan's hand. Amazing, simply amazing.

We agreed to hang-out sometime and keep becoming friends and I promised him I'd come to his game on Friday night, silently thinking that maybe I could bring a date.

I made it to the park just in time. I had stayed after school to get some math help but my mind was focused on getting to the park in time to meet Jake.

He was already out and stretching and I walked at a rather fast pace to meet him. I sat down next to him to start my stretching and I put my hand on the ground to steady one of my leg stretches and he took his hand and placed it on top of mine.

I turned and looked at him -- I mean, truly looked at him and I saw nothing but love. I starred into his eyes and winked at him and got back to my stretching.

He laughed and punched me in the shoulder, "You're still an athlete, just not one that's going to play anymore. Let's go three miles and see how we feel."

We started running and because I had longer legs, I was slowly getting a good lead on him. I slowed down so he could catch up twice before on the third time he looked at me and gasped out, "Go ahead, you don't have to stay with me."

I blushed and took off once again. I hit the three mile marker and turned to get a look at Jake and he gave me the `you better stop' look. So I did. I only finished about 30 seconds ahead of him so I hope he didn't feel too bad.

We walked about another half-mile to keep our legs from cramping up and then chugged some much needed water. We were both drenched in sweat from the run, but it was so hot. If we weren't out in public, I'd rip his clothes off of him and kiss him all over. Hell, why not.

I took his hand and took him to the men's bathroom. I knew it'd be empty for at least a minute or two and I took his head between my hands and pulled his lips to mine. I was in control for the first time in this relationship and I liked it. I'm not a controlling person, but at this moment, Jake was my boyfriend and I wanted him to know it.

I took my hand off his face and slid it underneath his shirt which was covered in sweat. I started rubbing his back, then I slowly and carefully slipped underneath the waistband of his shorts and boxers. It was the first time I was getting to feel anything private of his and I liked it. Plus we were in a semi-public place which was making me super-super horny.

It didn't take me long to have both of my hands underneath his shirt and was in the process of pulling it off. He knew what was happening and he raised his arms into the air and let me take control. I tucked the shirt into the back of his shorts and quickly rubbed my hands up and down his nicely toned chest. It wasn't as tight as mine, but he was still young.

I leaned down and started to kiss his chest... first between his pecs, then I chose one and went to town. I found the nipple and teased him until he was probably ready to blast off. I stood back up and leaned in to kiss him, placing both my hands on his ass and pulling him into me, grinding into each other. I could feel his hardness through his shorts and I'm sure he could feel mine.

I let go and leaned down to kiss him one last time. I looked deep into his eyes, making sure he could tell how I felt about him. I adjusted myself and walked out the door. Jake followed soon after and met me at my truck.

The week continued just like any other until Wednesday night. I was busy doing my homework with my brother on the kitchen table when I got a phone call. It was Ryan so I decided I should interrupt my studies to find out what was up.

"Sure dude, what's up?" I said as I stood up from my chair and walked to the back room to be more comfortable and private.

"I just called coach and I'm telling everyone before practice tomorrow morning and I wanted you to know."

I just sat there in shock. Nothing would be the same. It would be one of those moments I felt where everyone would remember that Ryan was the first outwardly gay student.

"After having lunch today with my dad, I know it's time Andrew." He paused then said, "I know it's going to be amazingly hard for some people and I'm sure I'll hear things, but I can't do this anymore."

"You know I'll do anything to help Ryan and whenever you need to talk, you know how to find me."

"I know man and that really means a lot." We both stopped talking. I can't even imagine what was going through his head at this point. This was his last normal night. After tomorrow, everything would change.

I silently hugged him through the phone, "Good luck tomorrow Ryan. I'll be thinking of you."

With that, we both hung up and I just sat there...stunned. I didn't think it was going to happen this soon. I knew some people would be okay with it, but I also knew some people were going to have a hell of a time with it. I felt so much for Ryan and I wished there was something real that I could do for him, but I didn't know of anything.

I heard a knock on the glass door and I looked up and saw Mike standing there with his science notebook in his hand, begging me for help. I smiled on the inside but couldn't clear my face. There were too many things bothering me and running through my head.

He opened the door and sat in the chair next to mine. "What's up bro?" he asked.

"Don't give me that Andrew, I know when something is bothering you so spill it." I heard it in his voice and I saw it in his eyes. I needed to tell him. How could I? This guy loved me to pieces, but would that be enough for this? This life changing announcement?

"Something is going to happen at school tomorrow and I'm scared." He immediately sat up in his chair and looked at me.

"Well, that was Ryan on the phone and he told me that tomorrow morning before practice he is going to come out to the team."

We just sat there. I had nothing left to say. And I'm not sure what he was thinking. I was just happy he didn't get all homophobic on me. I knew I could trust him, but I wasn't going to lay it on him tonight.

The whole time I was getting ready, I was thinking about what could be going on at school. I hadn't slept real well just worried about what would happen to him. I was guessing that Ryan was a good guy, but he was a freshman athlete and now he was gay and everyone would know.

As I drove Mike to the middle school and dropped him off, I turned towards the high school and my thoughts went back to Ryan. Practice would be over now and they would be in the showers or even past that. I was making myself sick just thinking about it.

I pulled into my parking spot, parked, grabbed my backpack from the truck bed, and started the walk towards school. It was a weird feeling. It was almost like I had been the one that was coming out. In a way, I wished it was me. I knew I wasn't ready, but I wanted the liberation Ryan would have.

I walked into my first class, just scared of what might happen or what had already happened. First period was uneventful and I didn't hear a word about Ryan's coming out which was a silent relief to me.

I knew I'd get to see him second period and that kept me a little calm because then he could tell me how it went. I was shaking all through class. If I'd had a paper bag, I woulda been breathing into it. No joke.

I walked into the study hall and immediately looked for him but didn't see him. I sat in my seat and watched the door for the basketball stud to walk in.

I was freaking. There was only like a minute to go before class was to start when I saw him walk in, search the room with his eyes, spot me, and make a B-line to the desk next to mine.

Our teacher took role and then we could talk. I spun quickly in my seat and looked at Ryan. I could read him. I was usually good at reading people, but he was just blank.

"Well, the team took it pretty well which surprised me," Ryan began. "But the news is spreading fast."

"Is there anything I can do?" What else could I ask? I mean, there really wasn't anything I could do I didn't think... but it's all I could think of to say.

I felt for him. I really did. For one of the first times in my life, I couldn't empathize with someone. I only had a partial idea of what he was feeling at this moment and the only way for me to really know how he felt would be to tell everyone about me. That's funny.

We didn't talk the rest of the period. I didn't know what to say and I'm sure he felt the same way.

I had two more classes and then it was lunch time. Through my conversations with Ryan I'd found out that we had the same lunch as well. It's funny that you never know who is in the same room as you until you really take the time to notice. I didn't know his friends and he didn't know mine, but since our first meeting, I'd always kept my eye on him in lunch. It wasn't because I was worried about him or anything, it was just that I found him attractive and I wanted to learn as much as I could about him.

I got to the cafeteria, got my cheeseburger and fries with my Gatorade, paid, and walked to my table. I only sat a few tables away from Ryan and I was waiting for him to come in.

I was pretty much ignoring my friends when I saw Ryan walk through the line. He looked like he was doing okay and hadn't been beaten up yet.

I immediately froze. Was I giving myself away? What was with me today? "Oh, nothing. I'm just really tired. I was helping Mike with his homework late last night."

My friends went back to their conversations and I turned my attention back to Ryan who was sitting with his friends and seemed to be enjoying his time. He looked like he was being questioned by all of them though. Then I saw one of them place a hand on his shoulder. I flinched in my seat a little bit and Colin caught it.

Colin turned in his seat and followed where my eyes were focused and then turned back.

I didn't say anything. What could I say? `Yeah, I am. I find him attractive. You have a fucking problem with that?'

My friend Brady leaned in and said, "Hey guys, someone told me Ryan came out to the basketball team this morning."

"No kidding. Next thing you know he'll be come to school in a dress with makeup on,"

Jordan

said as Kole hit him in the shoulder.

"What the fuck dude?" I could tell Kole was furious at what he was hearing. "Shut your stupid mouth Jord. Ryan's a hellova basketball player. Who gives a shit if he likes guys. Get over yourselves."

He sat down and started eating and nothing else was said. Kole had that kind of power over people. When he spoke up, people listened. I never understood why he wasn't the quarterback. He's that strong with people.

Just as I was getting comfortable, I heard someone shout, "Look at that fag over there acting like everything is okay." It was David. He was one of the biggest assholes in our school.

Then his bigger dumb-ass of a friend Jarred said, "That cock-sucking faggot will get what's coming to him."

The whole lunch room was silent, with everyone looking at either those two or Ryan. One of Ryan's friends stood up but Ryan did too and I assume told him to sit down because he did.

Then Ryan turned to the two and said loud enough for the entire room to hear, "Yeah, I am gay. Get over it. I'm still the best basketball player in this school. Don't worry, I'm not attracted to you fags anyway."

With that, he sat back down and David walked over to his table, leaned in and whispered something into his ear. I wanted to know what was said, but of course, I wouldn't.

The noise slowly returned to normal with people having their normal conversations, but I knew what they were talking about.

The rest of the school day was just like that -- people talking. And everywhere I turned I heard the same thing, `I heard Ryan Evans is a fag.' `I'm not going to shower anymore.' `That cock-sucker will suck mine.' It was almost unbearable.

I saw Ryan between 6^th and 7^th period and he was getting bullied a little bit by some juniors. They were just around his locker and talking shit. I just stood there watching, in shock and angry with myself that I couldn't do more to help -- cause there wasn't anything I could do.

When the day was finally over, I climbed into my truck and driving home I had tears flowing out of my eyes. I drove right past my house, deciding that I needed to see Jake right away. I needed someone to talk to and cry with.

I pulled him inside and we walked to his living room and sat down. "Someone came out at school today. He got picked on and called names and I couldn't do anything to help him. I feel so bad. I want to stand up for him, but then people will know about me."

By then, I was crying. Jake wrapped his arms around me and just held me. "Andrew, it's okay. You are with him in love."

He wouldn't release his arms and I didn't want him to. I needed to be held. This is where I wanted to be. But I also wanted people to know this is where I wanted to be.

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