In Pain
Season 2 | Chapter 16
fag
You know the rules...follow them.
All persons, names, places, descriptions, and events are purely fictional. Any resemblance to actual persons, names, places, descriptions, or events is totally accidental and a pure coincidence.
This is a love story and at this time, limited sexual activity, but that will change with time.
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Even though I was in my boyfriend's arms, sleep didn't come. It couldn't. When I would fall asleep, I had images of Ryan getting beaten up, spit on, heckled, fouled in his games... basically anything that would cause pain, I felt in my dream.
I was a coward. I stayed at Jake's the whole night and I knew as I woke up at 6 a.m. that I would be in trouble with my parents, but I didn't care. I had betrayed someone who needed my help. I was living in the 21st Century for peaks sake!
Everything was running through my head as I flew through the streets to try and get home before my parents found out I was gone. I quickly dialed Kole on my cell.
"Hello?" Kole said, barely audible.
"Dude, just listen," I started. "If my parents happen to ask, I slept over at your house last night. I got there after your parents were already asleep and we were working on a project and just fell asleep." I paused, thinking of the next lie in the story. "I'll explain when we get to school. But I was at Jake's." I hung up the phone before he could ask any more questions.
I parked in the street, at the end of our sidewalk leading up to our front door. I jumped out of my car and walked at a normal, yet nervous pace up to my house. It seemed to take hours as my mind wandered while I walked.
I realized something in that walk. It had never really felt like home to me. Sure, I'd lived here my whole life and had many great memories, but it wasn't the real me living in the house. It was a figment of me. The doorway leading into the rec room had notches on the wall for me and Mike marking our heights at each of our birthdays. Lately, Mike has been catching up to me on the wall. I'm sure he will pass me one day. He is going to be bigger than me. But not just in the sense of height. Yeah, he will be there too. But just in life. He's so much more outgoing than me. More daring than me. More free-flowing. That's what I've always loved about him.
The me that I want to be, my parents will hate. The me that I want to be, the football team can't handle. The me I want to be is gay and proud. Funny- I had proven the day before that I am hardly either. I had watched Ryan get picked on all afternoon while I stood by. I wonder if deep down he had wanted me to come out with him... so we could battle it together. I had wished I could, more than anything. I want to be like Ryan and Jake. Jake. My lovely Jake. He has everything going for him. A family that was behind him 100%. A team that was ready for him to be the quarterback. A future more bright than mine. I still hadn't figured out what he sees in me and why he even wanted to be my boyfriend.
Shoot, are we even that? I can hardly go out in public with him for fear of one of us holding hands or God forbid, kiss. Right now, there is no way we could even act like real boyfriends. All most people would see would be two good friends hanging out. That's all I could be which is hardly fair for Jake.
And I could hardly be called a good son. I had lied to my family. I had lied to my friends. And now, most of all, I was lying to myself. Ryan deserved more. The world did.
The sun was just rising and it was looking to be a beautiful day. I was at the front of my parents' door. Not mine, theirs. I felt bad feeling this way. But it was true. It was true that I, Andy Michael Godfrey was a fraud. A full-of-crap, hardly-stand-up-for-anything, be-someone-else-because-it-won't-hurt-anyone, all-American boy.
I walked into the front door to the smell of my nightmare. The coffee was already brewing. "Guilty," rang through my head. I was guilty of many things now. Staying out past curfew. Check. Using my friend Kole to lie for me. Check. Quitting football without telling my dad. Check. I'm sure I would have had many more, but I saw my dad round the corner just as I was starting to make my accent up the stairs to my room.
He hardly looked up from the paper he was holding in one hand and the cup of coffee he was sipping in the other hand. "And just where are you coming from Andrew?" he asked a bit sarcastically, but yet very sternly. Never before had it crossed my mind to lie to him.
I spun on my toes to respond to my father who was now standing at the foot of the stairs, still not looking up from the paper. He seemed engrossed in some article. It was rare for him to read the sports page in the morning unless it was football season. Then I saw it: The headline. In bold letters. Four words.
FRESHMAN STAR IS GAY
Just like that; brutally outted to the rest of world. My eyes were stuck on those four words. What would it say for me? `TEAM CAPTAIN ALSO GAY', `QUARTERBACK GAY, QUITS', or the best one that popped in my head, "LEADER WANTS DICK." That one made me chuckle under my breath.
"What's so funny?" my dad forced, lowering the paper and taking another sip of his coffee. I had forgotten what my story was. I had been frozen by those four words. My mind was racing. Story, come back!
"Sorry Dad," I stuttered. "Kole and I had to work on a project last night and I just fell asleep on his floor." Okay, that sounded believable. "I should have called, but seriously, we were working really hard and I just didn't think of it and then I guess I probably fell asleep around three or something. I really am sorry."
Well, I laid it out there. More lies.
"I figured it was something like that, but mom was worried sick, you wouldn't pick up your phone. She would have had the National Guard out if I hadn't stopped her." I turned my eyes from his to the carpeted floor between us. This carpet that had so many memories on it. I thought back to when Mikey and I were kids and we would sled down the stairs, much to mother's scolding. I threw up on time right where dad was now standing. Oh, and how could I forget the time I fell down the stairs on Christmas morning, only to find I was tangled in my bed sheets, as I had been so excited.
I was two or three steps above him, but it still felt like he was towering over me; like he always had.
When I was little, of course it was a height thing. I looked up to my dad in more ways than one. And now, at 16 and three steps up the stairs, he still towered over me. The way he carried himself, his voice, the way he handled his eyes, he loomed large over me and this house.
"Mom and I discussed it this morning and we're not going to ground you.
This is the first time you've done something like this. But, if it happens
again, trust me Andrew, you won't like it." Before I could even look up, he turned
and walked back to the kitchen... sipping his coffee... reading about the first gay
athlete in our community.
I slowly climbed the stairs back to my room and collapsed in my desk chair. I just sat there and thought about everything. There were so many things happening in my life, how could I even begin to get a handle on it all.
I let out a deep sigh and spun around in my chair to check my email before school.
"You have 3 new messages" Jake. Neal. Ryan. Great.
Babe,
I just wanted to wish you a great day! Kisses!
Love,
Jake
Okay, that wasn't so bad! I really did have the best boyfriend I could ever imagine. He was with me despite my fear of being out. Last night he had put everything aside to help me in my moment of weakness and fear. I just smiled.
Andy,
I just heard the news! Wow... did you know that Ryan kid was gay? That's heavy man. How's the school taking it? If you need to talk, you know I'm here for ya.
Take care!
Neal
He really had been a rock for me in the last few months. He made sure I knew it was okay to be gay.
Andy,
Well, obviously you saw how the school took it. Do you think I made the right choice? I came home tonight completely worn down emotionally from the day's events, and my parents could tell. They wanted to take me out to dinner, but I was worried what, if anything, people would say if they recognized me.
Now, I wish we had gone out because a sports reporter called and wanted to interview me, so I gave a quick comment. I guess it will be their lead story tomorrow, against my father's wishes.
All in all, today was okay. The team took it pretty well, but I know I will have to deal with some of the guys. I hope they just see that I'm still me. Guess time will tell. Hell, I can still shoot right?
The school as a whole -- well -- that's a tad different. Lunch was interesting, huh? I'm glad I had the strength and courage to stand up for myself and show them that I'm not going to be pushed around by their close-mindedness. The hallways, it was tougher. My friends were usually there to help if needed, but a few times I was alone and people would say something.
Some juniors did hassle me late in the afternoon and that ruined a fairly decent day. I was shoved a few times and I'm sure there will be worse days ahead, but I'm ready. I do wish I wasn't alone. But I'm a pioneer! Who would've thought?!
Anyway, thanks for your support. It's nice to know I do have a gay friend. See you in school.
-Ryan
Are you kidding me?! Even after a day when he had been called a faggot, a cocksucker and other things I'm sure that were only whispered, he was still upbeat, kicking. Why can't I do the same?
Before I completely lost it, I got up and went to the bathroom to splash some water on my face. I turned the faucet to steaming hot, put my hands underneath the stream and about screamed but I held them there and lowered my face.
The burning water felt good on my skin - cleansing away all that I had done wrong. With water still dripping off my face, I raised my eyes to the mirror where I saw the reflection of a boy. Andrew Godfrey, a scared little boy.
As I climbed into the chilled cab of my truck, I was still thinking on the last few weeks. A lot had happened. A lot more was bound to happen. Such is the life of any high school student. The engine roared to life and forced me to school, to face the fear. It was a fear in my heart, that no matter what I did, when people would find out I was gay, that would be the end. Everything I had worked so hard for, had built, would be gone.
I knew Kole would stand by me, but that's one person. The teachers? My teammates? The administration? Would they? How could I possibly risk it all? And for who -- for what? So I can be gay?
Walking through the halls still in my pity-daydream, I suddenly came to a crashing halt. I walked right into someone. My books were sprawled on the ground between us. I bent over, frustrated that not only had I dropped everything, this girl had been in my way. I picked up the last of my books and pulled myself back to vertical and out of the corner of my eyes, I saw it.
Pink paint on the lockers, dried, yet dripping with hate. "fag" Simple. Direct. There in the middle of the hall was a group of students creating a semi-circle just looking at it and in the middle was Ryan.
It was eerily silent as everyone just stood and watched. You know the saying about watching paint dry? Well, that's what all the students were doing -- except this time -- the pain was dry and we were still watching.
I was furious.
I pushed through the crowd. I didn't know where I was going. I just couldn't look at it anymore. How could Ryan just stand there and not be pissed. Maybe he was, he just wasn't showing it. They had written `fag' on his locker! All he wanted was to be himself. How can that be threatening?
This is what this year was going to be about: Ryan. The star basketball player was gay. That would be the story. Not that I cared, it just wasn't fair, that's all. Ryan was too good a kid to have this happen. He was one of our own. He was a Mammoth. He was family. Certainly I could do something to help him, besides be a friend behind closed doors.
I rounded the corner and walked straight into room 117. "Mammoth Moment" The room of the school newspaper. I could take some of the heat off of Ryan. He deserved that much from me.
"Good morning Mrs. Flatherist," I said to the teacher behind the desk. "Is Gabriel in?" Gabe was the student editor of the paper. We had spoken on a few occasions since I was the quarterback and all. He was a pretty good guy and I knew I could count on him to help me out.
"Yes he is," she said barely looking up from her morning coffee, also reading the sports page with FRESHMAN STAR IS GAY plastered on the front. "Go on to the back room."
"Thanks." I walked past her desk, through the open door, closing it slowly behind me.
I saw Gabe sitting at a large table in the middle of the room reading the sports page. I sighed. I resolved myself to the fact that the cat was out of the bag and everyone would be reading and talking about this for quite some time.
It was a weird feeling. For years, every time Andrew Godfrey walked into a room, even the air around him stopped and watched. He was the star. It was his world to be had. Now, standing just inside the door, I felt very small. The air wasn't mine anymore. The eyes of everyone weren't on me. But that's not what was making me mad. It was the lack of control I had over everything.
Gabe hadn't looked up, so I spoke up. "Gabe," I said quietly. He looked up quickly, startling me.
"Oh hey man," Gabe said looking up and nodding me over. "Did you read this?" he said, holding up the paper.
"Yeah, my dad showed me this morning," I lied. "You guys going to do a story on it?"
"I hope so," Gabe said. "The media is going to be all over this."
"Yeah," I sighed. "Anyway, I just wanted to come and talk to you about something."
"Shoot man," Gabe said.
I took in a deep breath, pulled back a chair, slid down, then I looked up. Life would never be the same.
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Summary:
Well -- this was probably the hardest chapter I have ever had to write -- mainly because it had been so long since I allowed myself to become immersed in these characters. I hope you enjoyed it. Jake and Andy are getting closer and closer, while things are starting to heat up in the `real world.' Ryan is out now. Talk about challenges. And now, Andy is talking to the press. This story is going to have some ups and downs as I continue, but please sit back and enjoy!
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Personal:
Well -- Thanks for coming back or reading for the first time! I won't go back over the last 16 months of my life but I will tell you a few things. First, I came out to my parents. It hasn't been great, but I'm still a part of the family which is good. All my friends know now. This past Christmas (2006) I met my future boyfriend and we just celebrated 7 months together. I also recently moved to Kansas City, so that's been a ton of fun getting involved here! As for the future, stay tuned.
A special thanks goes out to Nathanael. He did a great job of pushing me to write again and also to his editing of this chapter. He's a pretty good boyfriend! J
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This story is the sole creation of its author and thus he retains full publication rights. Please email me to post it on a site other than Nifty. Email me at: andygaywriter@yahoo.com. Thanks!
Feel free to email me at andygaywriter@yahoo.com and I'll do my best to reply as quickly as I can...but know that I do read EVERY email that is sent to me and I take them all to heart. I love you guys!
You can also join my Yahoo Group by going to http://groups.yahoo.com/group/andygaywriter16
Watch a video of me discussing In Pain & Chapter 16 http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-SxCvkHb92M