Date: Sat, 17 Nov 2007 07:16:35 -0800 (PST)
From: Richard Mark <andygaywriter@yahoo.com>
Subject: In Pain

In Pain
Season 2 | Chapter 17
6:00

You know the rules...follow them.

All persons, names, places, descriptions, and events are purely fictional.
Any resemblance to actual persons, names, places, descriptions, or events
is totally accidental and a pure coincidence.

This is a love story and at this time, limited sexual activity, but that
will change with time.

Join my Yahoo Group where you can discuss the story, ask questions of me,
the author, or read past stories. The story is posted on the group before
they are posted on Nifty.  http://groups.yahoo.com/group/andygaywriter16

:::

Brothers are a wonderful thing. Always strong. And Sometimes
fighting. There was always this unspoken bond between the two. You could
see it in their eyes and hear it in their voices when they'd speak about
each other

>From the moment Andy came out to him, Kole had never left his side. Not
that he ever had before.  He'd stayed with him that entire first night;
seeing his best friend cry for the first time didn't make him waiver. Even
when Andy confessed to having `different' feelings for him, Kole didn't
waiver.

Though from afar, when they kissed, it probably seemed like there were two
gay teenagers having little regard for their safety and commonsense -
kissing in the street under the moonlight. For Kole, it was a gesture of
faith, honor, and love.

A faith that above all things, we aren't given things we can't handle. An
honor to be a friend to someone who finds the strength to be themselves
when society, even the people who raised them can't look them in the eyes
the same way. And a love that brothers share. Andy honored that friendship,
that love with trusting his closest friends with his biggest secret. It was
around those people where Andy could be himself. Kole empowered that life
for his friend.

Friends since fifth grade, Andy and Kole had been through pretty much
everything together. Their first day of junior high when Kole couldn't find
his homeroom and Andy stayed behind to help him- which was rewarded by a
tardy-time the following afternoon. They had their first swimming lesson
together, first school dance, and ...puberty.

The funny thing though was that they weren't brothers, they just seemed
that way to the outside world. And in the grand scheme of things, they were
true brothers. In fact, by the time they were freshmen, they pretty much
would never go to bed without having said respective good-nights.

This companionship grew with time. The time together was joyous, loving,
and for those around, entertaining or just plain annoying. They were at
their best when there were together. Alone, almost like a lost puppy; not
quite but it was close.

Andy was the star; the kid who was bound to be the All-American kid.

Andy was always there for Kole. Two years ago around Christmas, they were
having a snow-ball fight on huge snow forts, Kole fell off his, breaking
his arm. In a group full of snow-crazed kids, it was Andy who ran for help.

Last year, Kole forgot to bring his report to school, but had already
skipped so much class that the next one would be a suspension. So Andy
missed four bells to do it for him.

Oh, and the girls! Somehow Andy was always helping Kole with the girls. It
was odd. A guy like Kole with as much confidence in life and himself would
inevitably get tongue-tied around the "better half".

The two had this wonderful give-and-take relationship. One day Andy would
be the strong, smart, sexy one. The next day it would be Kole being the
crazy, happy-go-lucky, bouncing around one. The two were brothers in every
sense of the word and never wavered.

* * * * *

I was the King. The self-made Prince of the long-ball. Every girl's dream;
maybe I was even a few boys' dreams too. The fact of the matter was that I
am gay. I did want boys to fawn over me. I wanted to fall in love with
another boy. I wanted to kiss another boy. I wanted to hold another boy. I
wanted to feel the excitement of taking a boy to the prom. I wanted to feel
nervous taking a boy home to meet my parents.

If that ever did happen, it wasn't going to be today. I knew the local
television news had my story and my dad would know in a few minutes. I was
sitting in my room, knowing full-well what was going to happen.

I had gotten a call around lunch-time on my cell phone from the paper's
sports editor. The conversation kinda went like this.

"Andy, I just got a call and I'm calling to confirm something. Do you have
a minute?" Greg David asked.

"Go ahead," I said, nervous at the fact that I couldn't turn back now. The
cat... was out of the bag.

"I would like to know if in fact you are leaving the football team,
effective immediately?"

Well, there it was. I needed to confirm to the world what I had kept secret
for oh-so-long, the fact that I, Andy Godfrey, would not be playing
football next season. Or any season after that, for that matter.

"Yes, that is the truth," I said blankly.

"Why?" The million dollar question: Why?

I figured this would be my one chance to set the record straight and get my
story out there. "For me, this past season was the best time of my life,
minus losing the last game. That said, I am very proud of my
accomplishments on the field. I gave it my all this last season and I will
carry that with me forever.  It's just time for me to focus on other areas
of my life."

I could hear him frantically taking my entire quote down, finally
speaking. "Can I ask a follow-up?"

"Actually, I have to get to class. Sorry." I had already said all I needed
to say. He thanked me for my time and hung up. Shortly thereafter, the
television showed up and they pulled me out of class to do a quick
interview. By that time, I had received numerous text messages from some of
the guys and also coach. I read them all, responded to some. I decided that
this was the one time in my life I was going to stand tall and not let
others push me around.

It just seemed for so many years and through football, that everyone had
always been making decisions for me. Even when I was the one making
decisions on the field or in my life, my coaches, my teammates, my family
-- they were all `telling' me what to do.

So, there I sat in the middle of my bed doing my social studies homework,
hardly focusing at all.  Ironically the topic was the civil rights movement
and it got me thinking about the movement I was slowly becoming a member
of: the "homosexual agenda." I never thought of myself as a member of that
community and I still didn't because I didn't want to be known as "one of
those homosexuals", but today was another step in that direction and it was
exciting... and nerve-racking.

With my mind wandering, my phone beeped. I slipped it open to read to text
message from Kole.

"Hey bro... good luck tonight. If you need to call, don't worry about the
time. Love ya!" I smiled. I looked over at my bed-side clock, 5:59 p.m. The
hour had arrived, and Kole was there for me even before I had asked.

My father would be sitting in the soft-blue patterned ottoman in the
entertainment room. That was his spot, especially for the evening news. As
kids, my brother would always either be curled up next to our mother on the
couch, coloring in our books or bothering her, or we would be under
blankets on the floor in front of the television watching a movie.

That would be much harder now that we had a plasma television hanging on
the wall, higher than our rear-projection was before. Growing up, the couch
had seemed enormous. It was a very dark shade of red with three individual
cushions. Now I could barely fit flat on it, but still did from time to
time when I wanted a nap.

Next to my father was an end table with a section underneath it for his
morning papers, magazines, and I'm sure a few papers from work he'd left
there. I silently wondered if he'd kept the sports page from this
morning. Or had he thrown it away, like he would me. Pretending that
homosexuality really didn't exist in his community. Little did he know, it
existed 20 feet away from him.

As the news started, he would look up from whatever he happened to be
glancing at that night and watch the leading stories. His glasses would be
half-way down his nose, looking all important - Like he had a
third-dimension of knowledge when he had them on.

I didn't have a television in my room, so I'm not even sure what the news
did to lead-in my story, but I know I was one of the top three. I looked at
the clock: 6:02.

My dad was surely sitting with the stunned look on his face, he still
wouldn't have blinked. His face had to be getting redder and redder. Maybe
even purple by now.

I was just a sitting statue on my bed and I heard footprints coming towards
my door... slowing as they got closer. I looked up, waiting to see whose
face would appear. Thankfully, it was Mike.

"So, I did have some news to share with the family tonight," Mike began,
"but you see, someone else had to go to the news and drop a bomb." I could
see the smile creeping on his face. But there was something else there. I
couldn't put my finger on it.

"Sorry," was all I could muster.

"God damnit Andy..." he mumbled as he started to walk into my room. He kept
his eyes on the floor as he spun my chair around and sat down. "Why the
hell didn't you tell me man? I thought you could trust me."

I should have seen it coming. I hung my head.

"Talk to me dude."

I inhaled, "Mikey, I'm sorry I didn't tell you. Really." What more could I
say? I have kept this secret from my biggest fan, my only brother and
someone who wanted to be like me. "This year has just been really hard for
me and after thinking about it for a month, I decided I needed to learn to
be me again. I know... I probably sound stupid and like I made a rash
decision..." I was speaking fast and starting to raise my voice as Mike
stopped me.

"Whoa buddy," he ordered. "I trust you made the right choice; it's just I'm
your brother and I thought you could trust me, that's all." He stood up and
walked out of the room without saying anything else.

It was a much deserved slap-in-the-face. Looking at the clock, 6:22, I knew
the worst was yet to come.  I had already ignored seven phone calls and 19
texts.

Somehow, I unhooked my feet from underneath my thighs and slowly climbed
off my bed. I grabbed my phone, flipped it open and quickly thumbed, "i luv
you" and sent it off to my boy.

I stood up and walked to my window which overlooked our backyard. I had
pictures hung in the window casing, all from my childhood. My first
tee-ball team photo. My first Pop-Warner football team photo. A picture of
me and my dad when he took me to Wrigley Field. There was a picture of Kole
and I after our first high school football game.

There was a slight knock on my door-frame, but I didn't look away from the
next picture. "Yeah?" I answered.

"Andrew," I heard my mother's soft voice beckon, "can you come downstairs?
Your father would like to speak with you."

"Yeah, I'll be right down," I said.

I closed my eyes, took in a deep breath, opened my eyes, looked at that
last photo and smiled.

I turned around and walked towards my door where my mother was still
standing. I stopped briefly. I leaned in and wrapped my arms around her
neck, kissed her on the cheek whispering, "I love you," before walking down
the stairs to quite possibly my second-worst nightmare.

I thought of a lot of things on my walk down those stairs. I thought how I
had let my friends down by quitting the team. After all, they were the ones
who had sat in the cold watching me play. I thought of my teammates and how
I'd let them down by leaving seemingly them without cause. We had sweat
with each other, hit each other, celebrated and consoled each other. I
thought about Kole and how many times we'd played football together and the
bond that it had created between us. I thought of my brother who only
moments before had called me out and was now forcing me to realize how cool
a brother I really had. Even though Mike looked up to me like the King, he
seemed okay that I was quitting the team. Sometimes I fail to realize how
awesome a guy he really is. Then I thought of my parents. Mom and dad who
had sat through 90 degree heat, stinging rain, snow, wind, and hours upon
hours of baseball and football, just to see me throw it all away.

Now, here I was, at the bottom of the stairs, fearful of my father.

Again, I took in a deep breath, and walked towards my father.

It was almost like I had imagined. I couldn't see his face yet, but he was
sitting in this chair, just like I thought. I could see the paper sitting
in his lap, along with the sports page sitting on the floor beside him. His
right hand was tapping ever so lightly on the table beside him. It felt
eerie. The air was almost like that of a fourth quarter, hail-Mary, Doug
Flutie, hold-your-breath, game-winning heave.

I walked to the right of him, around the couch, keeping my eyes on him the
whole time. He didn't flinch. He must have picked a spot on the wall to
stare at so as to keep his cool.

I sat down on the middle cushion to give me a buffer zone. I tucked my left
leg under my thigh and looked at my father. His eyes were still locked on
that one spot and I still hadn't seen him blink. I wonder how long he had
been sitting just like that.

Then I saw him close his eyes, inhale through his nose, then he slowly
opened his eyes and opened his lips. "A local quarterback announces his
retirement," he said a matter-of-factly. "Big deal right?"

I didn't say anything. I figured he would need to say a lot and I didn't
want to make it harder for him.

"Did I really push you that hard to just quit, just like that? You didn't
even talk to me. You didn't ask me what I think. You just decided to quit,
tell the paper and let you own family hear about it on the news?"

"Dad, I wa..." was all I got out.

"No," he shot back. "No you don't Andrew. Your mother and I come home from
working hard to provide for you and your brother and I sit down to watch
the news and read the paper and your mother starts cooking a wonderful meal
for us. That's when I hear that, `a local quarterback announces his
retirement.' Well, of course that got my attention, but it couldn't be the
young man in my house.  He surely would have spoken with me about a
decision like that. He's too good and too healthy to quit football. He's
worked too hard!"

"I know dad," I said.

"I don't think you do," He said flinging his head and his fiery hot eyes
towards me for the first time.  "We all worked hard and supported you
because you wanted it. You wanted to be a great football player. Now you're
the premiere quarterback in the city, the starter on the runner-up team,
and now, nothing but a God-damned quitter."

My father just called me, his own son, a quitter. Is that what I was?
Before I could respond he stood up and started walking out of the room. He
reached the archway, turned around, looking me in the eyes again, like he
had this morning when I came home late, "Andrew, you're giving up a great
gift. I'm not proud of you today. That's something you'll have to
earn. Right now, all I see is a scared little boy." He turned back around
and walked to the kitchen.

* * * * *

Entering my room, I felt like a different person. Even though my dad was
disappointed and obviously upset, I had survived. I didn't exactly stand my
ground, but I wasn't forced to keep playing either. I reached for my phone
and called Kole.

"Hey man," he answered.

"Hey," was all I could reply.

"So, I saw story on the news tonight," He laughed. "Did you hear it?" I
could hear him laughing in the background.

"No, what was it?" I joked back.

He laughed back. "Well, it turns out, the gay basketball player wasn't the
lead story tonight. It was however a gay football player." I was shaking my
head now, laughing on the inside. "Oh, but wait. The story wasn't that he
was gay, because no one knows yet, but the story was that he quit the
football team."

Figuring I'd play along, "Oh yeah? That's pretty big news."

"Not really, I think most of the team is glad he's gone anyway." What?!
Really? I hope he really didn't feel that way. How could my best friend
possibly say or even think that. "Andy... you know I was joking right?"

"Yeah..."

"Dude, the team is shocked right now. You were our captain. So of course
we're going to miss you, on and off the field."

"Kole, I'm sorry I didn't give you warning, it was just something I needed
to do." I smiled to myself after quite a stressful day. "Do you think I
should talk to the guys and coach tomorrow?"

"I think that's the least you can do," he shot back quickly.

"Well, that was my day, how was yours?" I asked. It seemed like years since
he and I had even had a semblance of a conversation. I missed it. He was
like my brother after-all.

"Aside from talking about you for most of the afternoon and the last few
hours and surely the next few hours, it was a good day."

"I'm glad. And dude, I said I was sorry for the whole, `quitting the team'
thing you keep throwing in my face," I said rather loudly. I caught
myself. I should probably not joke about it so calmly, especially after my
father had taken it rather well. While I was okay with my decision, I
didn't want to make it seem to my father that I didn't even care about it.

We talked for ten more minutes or so about random topics. We talked about
our upcoming math and social studies tests, the latter of which I had
intended on studying for tonight, but there is no way that will happen. I
started to say my good-bye when Kole interrupted.

"Andy, there is one other thing."

"Yeah?" I asked.

"Well, I asked someone out today..." he said shyly. Then there was this
enticing pause between us.

"And?" I insisted.

"It's Vanessa and she said yes," he answered. Before I could ask, he
answered my follow-up, "And yes, it's the same Vanessa you asked out to
Homecoming. Is it okay?"

"Kole, is Vanessa a guy?" I asked.

Dumbfounded he responded, "No... it's Vanessa. The same Vanessa you took to
homecoming silly."

I laughed. "Of course it is dude. I was joking. You really are sweet
sometimes. Of course it's okay.  Good luck man! I'm happy for you." And I
was.

My bed was cleared of all the homework I didn't do and my phone was plugged
into its charger, getting ready for another busy day. I thought about
checking all my emails, voice messages and texts, but those could
wait. There was someone I really needed to talk to.

I flipped off my light switch to my room and trudged to my brother's
room. I knocked lightly on his door, awaiting his welcome.

"Mike, got a minute to talk?" I asked, staying outside the door-frame.

"Sure, come on in," he said sort of half-welcoming, half-do what you want.

I sat on the edge of the bed, where he, like me had his books spread out,
meticulously taking notes, just like his brother.

"Mike," I said firmly. "I really am sorry I didn't tell you. This wasn't an
easy decision, but I know it's the right one." I know I had more to say,
but I had no idea how to put the thoughts running through my head into
actual words. I looked back at Mike and I could tell he wasn't going to
save me. I was the big brother, I should be able to do this.

"Do you ever feel like you need to do something to make everything in life
make sense, or agree with each other?" No response. "Well, that's what this
was. I needed to re-organize my life so that things would work together and
not against each other. I am still fighting this battle in my head and so
many fronts and I can't have you against me or even mad at me. You're my
brother and I need you. I'm not really quitting football, I'm leaving for
something better, something more important."

There, I had laid it all out there. "Mike... talk to me," I begged. "What
can I do?"

After what could only be described as the longest minute of my life, which
was weird, because over the last year I had experienced a lot of tense and
emotional moments, but this one was almost the most important. Finally Mike
began to open up.

"Look, quit, don't quit, I'm still your brother. I just wish I'd known. I
know you're smarter and have lived more than me, but I still would have
understood. It wasn't right of you to not tell mom and dad first. I mean
shit dude, they found out their son was quitting football on the damn
news. That was just plain low man."

I hung my head, "I know." I thought for a moment, not sure where to
go. "So, what do we do? How do I fix our relationship?" It was a weird
question to ask your 14-year-old brother, but I needed to. I needed him.

"Well," he said holding out his arms, "we can give your brother a hug then
get the hell out of my room so I can get back to studying."

I laughed while leaning over his books to give him a hug. Leave it to my
brother to joke around during a tense conversation. He's really going to
piss off a girlfriend someday.

I climbed off his bed and started to pull his door shut and I stopped and
turned around, "So, we're okay bro?" I asked, almost worried.

"Yeah, now get the hell out of my room."

I pulled the door shut, smiling to myself. I let my fingers slide off his
door knob and walked back to my own room, pulling my door shut, closing out
the outside world that didn't understand me. After a grueling day, it was
just me.

I walked back over to the picture window with all my photos where I had
stood hours before. My eyes were drawn to the same one they had been
earlier.

Three boys, just loving life. It was from three summers ago in our
backyard.

I was on the far left, burnt to a crisp from a full day in the sun and
playing in the sprinkler. I wore a huge smile on my face, for I was next
two my two favorite people.

Mikey was in the middle, his short frame dwarfed by the outside giants. He
also sported a huge smile.  His hair was the most messed up of the
three. He'd played the hardest and probably had the most fun.

Then on the far right was Kole. My best friend, even then. He and I had our
arms draped around each other, dripping wet from all the water our bodies
had soaked in. Just like the two boys to his right, he bore a huge smile.

As my head hit the pillow and my eyes closed, I remembered that day in the
photo.

Three boys. Three smiles. A perfect day. Certainly there would be more to
come. Certainly.

:::

Summary: Well everyone, there is chapter 17. Enjoy it? It was fun for me to
write, but also hard as I tried to get you deeper into the relationship
between Kole and Andy and started to get into the Mike -- Andy relationship
as well. I know some of you are probably thinking two things. (1) Where is
the action? Well, it will come. You will realize how much information in
this chapter is needed for the future. (2) Where is Jake? Jake is still
around, but for the sake of the story, he wasn't important to today. The
story is going to keep moving forward, so I hope you keep enjoying it!

:::

Personal: Life has stayed busy for me. Again, I love reading your emails,
but with work and the freelance stuff I do, I've just been way too busy to
write many of you back. It's Thanksgiving in the States next week, so I
will be traveling to see my parents and siblings and my wonderful niece, so
writing may or may not happen. I'll bring the laptop with me, but if I
don't write, I'm not going to feel bad. Then after that, I am helping run a
three-day conference, my boyfriend will be visiting me, hopefully a quick
trip to Tennessee, then it will be Christmas. All in all, my goal is for
two chapters before the end of the year... so, keep your fingers crossed.

:::

This story is the sole creation of its author and thus he retains full
publication rights.  Please email me to post it on a site other than Nifty.
Email me at: andygaywriter@yahoo.com.  Thanks!

Feel free to email me at andygaywriter@yahoo.com and I'll do my best to
reply as quickly as I can...but know that I do read EVERY email that is
sent to me and I take them all to heart.  I love you guys!

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