In Pain
Season 2 | Chapter 18
In The Locker Room
You know the rules...follow them.
All persons, names, places, descriptions, and events are purely fictional. Any resemblance to actual persons, names, places, descriptions, or events is totally accidental and a pure coincidence.
This is a love story and at this time, limited sexual activity, but that will change with time.
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It had been a peaceful night's sleep. No dreams, no cold sweats, just clean rest for a body that was increasingly demanding more emotional gas than ever before. As I stepped into the shower, I felt calm. The night before had been what I expected: angry and tense, and while I understood why I was making this drastic change in my life, most of my friends and of course my family didn't know just yet that me leaving the football team was just one of many steps I was going to do in order to take control of my life and become me... for the first time in my life.
I was standing under the warm sparkling stream of water, just letting the water splash my face. It was bouncing off me and hitting the purple, green and white tiled walls and some of it was traveling down my body. There I stood with my hands on the wall, leaning in, breathing. I was thinking of the upcoming day. It was Thursday. I only had to deal with the school for two days.
There was a pretty thick layer of steam building up in the shower as my mind slowly shifted to my boyfriend. Jake.
I was really lucky to have such a cute boyfriend. He was a bit shorter than me, but it was cute. He was about five-seven, but a body of muscle. His smile was something that always got me too. When he did, his lips would part slightly, giving me a glimpse of this perfectly aligned, sparkling teeth. But it was really his eyes. Those turquoise green beacons of hope that shine no matter what is being thrown at him. That's what I saw that first time I was introduced to him.
My eyelids were closed while my mind imagined his every inch. I opened my eyes to find my right hand had left the wall and was now firming wrapped around my throbbing penis. I tilted my head back and the water hit my neck and the heat blasted my firm chest. My eyes closed again and my mind started to think about him again.
My mind drifted to his chest. That sweaty, toned chest I saw for the first time in the men's bathroom. That was also the first time I touched his bare ass. It was well-rounded and firm, just like the rest of his body. I really wanted to touch him again. It'd been almost two full days since I'd even seen him, touched him, smelled him.
I wanted to lay in his arms again and feel his chest move up and down underneath me. The smoothness of his pecs underneath my cheek as his arm caresses my back. My hand starts to rub his developed six-pack.
Most of all, I wanted to kiss him. I wanted to caress him. I wanted to slide his pants off his hips and see the outline of his growing member. I wanted to slide his boxers down his thighs, touching ever inch of his skin. Then, for the first time, I'd get to see his cock.
It would be the first cock I'd put my lips around and I may never leave
it. I'd never put my lips around anything so beautiful and I couldn't wait to
do it. To feel my pink lips wrap around the warm-hardness of another penis. To
feel the skin against mine, sliding in and out with my head bobbing faster and
faster. Just then I felt it. My balls were already tight up against my body and
my hand started stroking myself faster and faster. My left hand was still on
the wall in front of me and the water was pouring off me and splashing the
curtain with the rhythm of my strokes.
My hand gripped harder and my eyes were clinched tightly...I was so close as my mind found what I was craving from Jake's own cock, still in my mouth...at that moment I erupted a hot stream of my cum on the wall of the shower. My hand released and I opened my eyes and started to breathe again, stars still popping in my eyes and my heart still pumping. I took a moment to let my body calm down before I shut off the water to towel off and get ready for a busy and sure-to-be emotionally draining day.
* * * * *
I arrived at the football office shortly before school was to start. I saw the coaches all sitting in the film room, reviewing the year I presume or some stud 8th grader. Or maybe even trying to decide which quarterback they needed to get in the gym to be ready to fill in my shoes... earlier than they had planned of course.
The door was open and I knocked on the metal frame. The sound seemed to echo through the locker room with the clarity of the weariness I was feeling just being in the room.
The sound jarred the locked eyes of the coaches off the television screen and on to me. Now I was in the spotlight. I could see they were stressed and I also could see something else: It was that look when your brand new puppy pees on the brand new carpet. Or when your dad helps you study for math and you think you know it, but you come home with an F and those eyes just hit you.
I knew they loved me. I had been coached by many of them for more than the two years I'd been quarterback of this team. They'd been with me in Pop Warner or middle school. I was friends with their sons. I hung out with their daughters. I was almost like a son to most of them.
Then it hit me, it was disappointment. When their eyes landed on me, they were disappointed in me. They loved me. They had pushed me to be my best and I had let them down.
That's also when I realized I had been standing there for almost 30 seconds with their eyes on me and no one had said anything. Finally coach broke the ice. "Guys, can we have the room?" The men who suddenly seemed more like strangers than mentors I'd known for years started to file through the door opening where I was standing.
I looked a few of them in the eyes, but most of them I just glazed over, trying hard not to lose control of my emotions. I wanted them to be proud of me. Everyone in the room had worked so hard to make me the quarterback I am. But they also worked hard to make me the person that I am.
I stepped through the opening and slowly closed the door behind me. I turned back around, still standing, and faced coach.
He was leaning back in his old rickety old office chair. It looked like it had been in this very office for 30 years. The carpet looked that way too. But I guess that's the way history works. It's all in the walls. The pain; the work; the tears, sweat, blood... it's all within these walls.
I think we were both scared; I know I was. I was scared that he would literally take his old linebacker arms and throw me through the cinderblock walls because he was that mad with me. I thought I might wrap my fingers around his throat and yell at him for having homophobes on his team.
Luckily, for both of us, neither of those happened.
"I'm not sure what to say coach," I started to say as I sat down on the equally old couch sitting against the wall
He laughed. "Well, neither do I, son." We both looked at each other and I let out a low laugh in reply. "Why don't you start from the beginning."
I took in a deep breath, my eyes fixated on one spot on the floor and I leaned in, placing one hand in the other, I started.
"Coach, let me first say that I have loved playing for this team, and for you. You're the best coach I've ever had and I have really enjoyed the last two years playing for you and this school. But for awhile now I have been pretty unhappy." The words were flowing now. If I wasn't careful, I might tell him my secret.
"If it hadn't been for Kole, I might..." I was starting to stumble on my words. I could also feel something else happening. `Not here, not in this room, not in front of him,' I said to myself. But I couldn't help it. The tear made its way from my heart, to my eyes, to my cheek and to the carpeted floor. "I might not be here today. I was really depressed and Kole was worried about me after one of our games and he came rushing over and he found me as I was about to leave my parents house and do something stupid. Well, anyway, Kole saved my life that night in more ways than one."
There was no turning back now. "Coach, I was suicidal and it's because I don't fit in with this team. I don't fit in with football." I couldn't stop the tears now. I knew where this conversation was going to end up. I looked at my hands and despite the fact that they were holding each other, I could see them shaking. I just stared at them.
Just then, I saw, from my tear-distorted vision a hand come into view. Here it was, he was going to hit me and tell me to leave and never come back. But no. He reached out and put his hand on top of mine.
I looked up and he simply gave me a reassuring nod. "Coach, I love football, but for my own good, I can't be here anymore. It's just... I'm not like everyone else." I couldn't say it. I took in a deep breath and closed my eyes, forcing all the tears out.
"Coach, the reason I had to quit the team," here it came, "is because I am gay." Then I hung my head and breathed out, my entire body trembling now.
I felt his hand leave mine and heard the wheels on his chair squeak. I was totally alone now and I had just told my football coach my secret. Then I felt it. His hand on my shoulder. And there it rested.
I felt his other hand on my chin, lifting my eyes towards his. "Andrew, I'm proud of you. I know football is not very friendly to guys like you, but I will always be proud of you. You're a great kid with a big heart and an even bigger heart for football and for winning. This changes nothing. You're still you."
I sat there, taking it all in. Stunned. "Thanks coach," was all I could say.
"I shouldn't tell you this, but about two months ago, Kole came to me and I could tell something was bothering him. He wouldn't tell me for the longest time, but he finally did."
I shot up out of my seat, "What?! He told you?" I said loudly enough that it reverberated against the brick walls.
Coach stood up with me. "Andrew, please don't be mad. He was so scared and worried about you and he needed to talk to someone. You know he loves you like a brother. He just asked me to keep my eye on you. Please don't be mad at him."
I nodded. I knew I couldn't be.
We talked for a few more minutes and discussed what I needed to do to make this right with the school, with the community, but more importantly with my teammates and friends. We agreed to call a team meeting for that afternoon. We talked about what I would say and how I should say it.
That was it. Coach knew. I turned for the door and reached for the doorknob, "Andrew..." coach said.
I turned around in time to have him wrap his arms around me in a fatherly embrace. I hugged back. I felt a load of tension escape me.
He broke apart and with his hands still on my shoulders he finished, "If you never need anything, my door is always open." And with that, I walked through that open door and back into the world.
* * * * *
I had decided to tell the world I had quit the team on a whim. Ryan was getting too much pressure for coming out and while I wasn't ready to come out, I felt that telling the school and the community that I wasn't coming back might ease a little of the pressure that Ryan was under.
It only worked to a degree. I mean, quitting the team is big news, don't get me wrong. But being a freshman basketball star is one thing, but to be gay on top of it is another. Throughout the whole day I could still see Ryan enduring various taunts and comments while I was only getting the weird looks. I hadn't done enough. I couldn't do enough.
I finished up my final class of the day with flying colors. It would have been an easy day had it not been for the barrage of questions I had to answer with every turn. It came from classmates, friends, people I'd never met or spoken with, the principal and even one of the lunch ladies. While it was nice people cared, it was overwhelming. On one hand though, it was a little annoying that all of a sudden, people care why I quit, but didn't care to notice I was pretty depressed just a few months before.
With my mind focused on the conversation I was about to have with my teammates, I rounded the corner and landed with a thud. `That's odd,' I thought to myself. I'd rounded the corner a hundred times this year and never had I plowed into something and fallen down.
As I gathered myself up, I looked up to see a hand reaching down to help me; it was Kole. Trusty old Kole.
"What the hell man?" I demanded as he pulled me up. He just smiled. I wonder how long he had been standing there waiting for me to round that corner.
"I'm proud of you, that's all," was all he said as a smile crept onto his face.
I saw it in his eyes: he knew what I'd done that morning. "Kole... I just don't know what to say... thanks" My head tilted towards the ground as I searched for the words eluding me. Right here and right now I was going to show my best friend what he meant to me.
What I was about to do just wasn't done in high school. At least it wasn't done between two guys where everyone could see and point fingers and start rumors.
I leaned in with my arms outstretched and I wrapped them both around his back and pulled him into me and I whispered into his ear, quiet enough and subtle enough that no one around would know I was doing it. Kole was my best friend and it was just hitting me what that meant. I released him from my embrace and just smiled at him. It was my way of thanking him for being there and promising with my eyes that I would do the same for him.
I felt bad for laying the whole `gay' thing on him without any warning, without any preparation. I'm glad he went to coach to help him through a lot of thoughts and concerns. I needed to do the same for him. I needed to make sure I wasn't just this `surface' friend; I needed to actually be there for him. I know I'd slacked lately in that department and I needed to do better. It's the least a friend can do and required of a best friend. I'd do anything for Kole – just as he'd done for me.
I threw my books into my locker and Kole and I made our way for the locker room. As team leader and captain, I called a team meeting. I was proud of myself for the first time in a long time. I still had a long way to go, but this was a step in the right direction.
We arrived at the double black doors a few minutes early. I asked Kole to go in before me so I could collect my thoughts. After a few minutes, I pulled on the silver handle, opening myself to my friends and coaches who in the last 24 hours had seen their leader quit on them.
I could see just about everyone had arrived right on time so I made my way to the front of the room. I looked around at everyone for a moment. Here they were: almost 100 teenagers and a few adults, scattered around a concrete and metal room, waiting to hear me explain myself. I looked into their eyes. I was surprised by what I saw.
In some I saw fear. They had lost their leader and now everything seemed unknown. I saw sadness too. Surely with my departure it would be much harder to have a chance to win the championship next season. I saw anger and disappointment. I saw confusion. I saw weariness. I saw a smile. Actually I saw two. They were in the back of the room, standing next to each other.
My eyes darted back to the silvery, brown concrete, worn from the years of young boys just like myself. None of them had ever given this speech before I'm sure; and if they had, it certainly wasn't for this reason.
It was time to lead my troops one last time.
"Guys, I'm sorry. I'm sorry I won't be back next year. This last year was a great ride and I hope you never forget the fun, but also the hard work it took to get to the championship. I have all the faith that you will be able to be just as good without me, but that's not why I'm leaving. I'm leaving football because I have given what my heart has to give. I always gave you everything I had and I will still be your biggest fan. But there is no room for me to play football anymore." I paused. I was rambling.
"You're going to be fine without me. I have faith in coach to keep you guys in line and on the path to a championship. That goal doesn't change. There's a new leader in this room," I said as I nodded in Kole's direction.
I stepped away from the center of the room and walked to the back where Kole was standing. I reached into my back packet and pulled about a maroon-colored patch. Stitched on the rectangle was a big `C': Captain. I reached down and pulled Kole's hand out and slapped it down into his hand. I patted him on the side of his shoulder as I walked up the three stairs, pushed open the doors, and walked out of the room for the last time.
It was his team now. I had a new team to join. I had a new challenge. I had a new battle.
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Summary: I hope you enjoyed this chapter! I still do plan on having one before the end of the year. This was a slower chapter with a lot of stuff happening, so for that I apologize. These were just some loose ends I needed to tie up and get moving so as 2008 starts, I might be able to take these characters to some new and crazy places. But I digress... Andy finally told the school he wasn't going to be quarterback anymore and to mixed reviews. Maybe coming out won't be so bad after-all. He's getting hornier and hornier for Jake, that much is certain. Coming soon: Andy and Jake go on their first real date, a huge basketball game with tons of media, and a coffee with Neal and Andy. Stay tuned!
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Personal: Wow – life has been crazy for me to say the least. But I've enjoyed it. My boyfriend is visiting me this weekend and leaves on Wednesday, so that's been a blast! We're going to go shopping today and then a double-date with a co-worker of mine. Nothing much else has been going on in my world. So... as a surprise, the next chapter will have a video link to a couple new videos! All the best!!!
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