Date: Thu, 6 Oct 2005 11:33:16 -0700 (PDT) From: Richard Mark Subject: In Pain : In Pain Chapter 2 WARNING! To qualify to read this story, you must be of legal age and allowed by the jurisdiction or jurisdictions that govern you to read sexually explicit homosexual material. If you do not qualify, you must exit and seek other material. You have been warned. Thank you for cooperating and being fair to others. All persons, names, places, descriptions, and events are purely fictional. Any resemblance to actual persons, names, places, descriptions, or events is totally accidental and a pure coincidence. This story is the sole creation of its author and thus he retains full publication rights. Please email me to post it on a site other than Nifty. Email me at: andygaywriter@yahoo.com. Thanks! Chapter 2 : The Bench It was close to 2 a.m. and I had just finished talking to my best friend - and it seemed my only friend Kole online, I had left the note on my computer for my parents to find. And I finally felt free. Nothing could hurt me anymore. I wasn't a captive. I wasn't a slave. The hate that I felt was gone. Yah, I wish it didn't have to end this way - but my heart is broken, my spirit gone. What else can I do? It was a weird feeling. I got to the bottom of the stairs and walked to my brother's room. I just stood outside the door and thought about going in. I wanted to 'say goodbye.' He means so much to me and I want him to be happy. He'll never forgive himself for what is about to happen. I said a quick prayer for him, kissed the door and walked into the garage. I walked to my dad's work-area and grabbed the rope off the boat. I walked out of the garage and into the cool September air. Damn, I finally felt alive. Why couldn't every day be like this? I walked to my car and popped the trunk and was getting ready to toss the rope in when out of nowhere a car comes roaring down the road towards me and slams on the brakes, screeching to a halt. Damn - that probably woke up the whole neighborhood. I looked at who was behind the wheel and low-and-behold, it was Kole. He jumped out of his car and ran over to me. Before he could say anything, he saw the rope in my hand. "Give me the rope Andy," he said hold out his hand. I just stood there.my eyes fixed on the rope in my hand. I didn't want to be saved and I didn't want Kole to see me like this. "Andy," he continued. "I'm not kidding, give me the damn rope." I still didn't flinch. Finally, he just reached out and took the rope out of my hand and chucked it onto my front lawn. "Andy, you're not doing this," Kole said. And he just took me in his arms and wouldn't let go. I was just in shock.my plan was now ruined but somehow, in some strange way, this is all I needed. I needed to feel like someone loved me and maybe, for one night, I could feel safe. I slowly started to cry.I couldn't stop it. I pulled my arms from my side and put them firmly on this back and it slowly turned into a death grip. I didn't want to go. I didn't want to leave this. Kole just kept rubbing my back.then the back of my head. He had no idea what was going on, but he was the only one that was here. It seems, the only one that cared. Kole reached over and shut the trunk and grabbed the keys from the lock and put his arm around my shoulder and walked me back to my house. A house I wasn't supposed to be in. I was supposed to be on my way to the park - a place I loved and was going to end all the pain inside. We walked in through the garage and into the kitchen and by Mike's door; the same route I had taken minutes before. It was eerie. I started to walk up the stairs and away from Kole's death grip on me. "Whoa.where ya going Andy?" he asked. "I.um.need to do something in my room quick." I stuttered. "Okay, that's fine, but I'm going with you." There was obviously going to be no discussion on the matter. We got to my room and I hurriedly walked my computer that had the suicide note open and ready for the world to read. I quickly pressed `Control A' then the `delete' key. "What was that?" Kole asked. I knew this was going to get worse before it got better. If it ever could. "It was nothing dude.just some stupid shit I found." Wow - what a horrible lie. Kole took me to the bed and sat me down. He just looked at me with the eyes I'd seen hundreds of times. It was the `trust me' look. Or the look of `don't mess with me right now.' I wasn't sure which one it was. I guess I would find out. He walked to the computer and clicked, `Edit, Undo Delete Text.' Well - that was it. My best friend was about the know the truth about me. I saw the text pop back up on the screen. Sorry I did this. Please know this isn't about you - it's about me and how I can't live like this anymore. I'm gay. There, I said it. Now tell me I was wrong to do this. Just ask my teammates. They will be glad I can't check them out anymore. Trust me, I heard them say it. Mom, dad, Mikey and Kole, I love you guys and I'm sooooo sorry I did this. Just know that I am finally happy now. It was never you guys - you were the four things in my life that helped me get up in the morning. I'll always be with you. Love - Andrew Michel I slowly curled myself into a ball like a little kid. I drew my knees to my chest and slowly started to cry again. The last thing I needed was to lose my best friend. I watched Kole the whole time. I was trying to get some kind of a read on him. Nothing. Then his head dropped. He shook it a little too. But then he turned around and looked straight into my tear stained eyes and I looked into his. I could see a few tears building up in his as well. Then - I saw one fall. But he just stood there. Didn't say anything. Didn't give me any facial expressions. All he did was put his hands into his pockets. Was he sad I was gay? Or sad he almost lost me forever? I couldn't take it anymore. Still curled up I asked, "Well.?" He still didn't flinch. I had no idea what was happening. I just had a feeling my worst fears were being realized. It was true - my best friend couldn't handle having a gay friend. A gay teammate. With that realization, I buried my head into my knees and just started to cry. I cried like I hadn't cried in years. I was truly alone for the first time. It wasn't just a dream anymore. It seemed like forever, but then I felt someone sit down next to me and wrap both their arms around me. I tried to get away but the grip just got tighter. I looked up to see who it was, and it was Kole. He hadn't left. He was my friend after all. I leaned into him and buried my head into this chest.letting it all out. And he just held on to me. I cried until I had nothing left inside me. I let out the years of fear, of pain, of uncertainty. It was all leaving me. When I was done, I looked up and Kole was still there.with tears still in his eyes. "So, do I have my friend back now?" he asked. In my smart-alec kind of way I responded, "Where the hell did I go?" "Ha! You kinda went away for awhile." I thought about that for a second. I actually had never been here. I had never really been alive. But now, it felt like I was. It felt like I had something to live for. And it seemed that at least for the moment, I had one friend in the world. "Come on - let's get out of here," Kole said. "And go where?" "Anywhere but here bro," Kole said. "We need to talk I think." "And you want to listen?" I asked through my tears. "You sure you want to hear it?" "Andy.you're the only brother I have - anything that bothers you, anything you feel, I feel too. You gotta tell me what's going on okay? I'm not going anywhere." I just threw my arms around him with all the strength I had left in my body. I knew I was never going to lose him. It was now close to four in the morning and my dad would soon be up. I didn't want him to find me like this. I grabbed a jacket for me and a hoodie for him and we made our way out to my car. "No," Kole said. "I'm driving.you're going to relax. And what do you say we put this rope away?" We drove to the local gas station to buy some cappuccino then made our way to the park we played in everyday when we were kids. The park has this really beautiful creek that runs through it. It's about 15 feet across, but the water is clear and always moving. I have sat here before and it makes me feel like I am in Colorado, near the rapids. Of course, this water wasn't that fast, but it was just as beautiful. He led me to the bench and sat down right next to me and draped his arm on my shoulder. We just sat there and didn't say a word. I felt safe. It was dark - pitch black. We could see the moon reflecting off the water which provided us with quiet, peaceful background music. The silence was killing me. As I slowly sipped on my Chai Tea Latte, I decided I needed to start talking. "So, you still want to be my friend after what you read?" I asked still waiting for my friend to leave me. He didn't say anything. I was looking right at him. I saw a smile slowly creep onto his face and he just rubbed my shoulder and pulled me closer. "Andy, listen to me," he said. "You're my best friend and I think of you like a brother. There isn't anything I wouldn't do for you. Man, you don't realize how much you mean to me. You're it man." I could hear his voice betraying him. "I just wasn't sure how you'd take this," I replied. "Then today in class Cody and James were all calling out.they were making fun of.gays. I just couldn't take it. Kole, I'm just so tired of feeling alone and lost and that I have nothing to live for. I can't have a boyfriend. Shit, you're the first person I've even told." "Andy," he said. "Look at me. I will always be here. No one will hurt the only brother I have. And when you do find a boyfriend, I wanna be the first to meet him. `Cause if he's special to you, he's special to me. I know this is probably hard for you to believe that I am so accepting of this. I just want you to be happy." We sat in silence for awhile again, and then Kole spoke up. "I do want to ask how long you've known.that you were gay." "I guess I've just started to realize it. I've known for awhile, but now that all you guys are getting girlfriends and going on dates, I know that I'm not attracted to girls." That was the truth. I really didn't know what else to say. I was blown away. I just didn't know what to do. "I'm sorry about the game," I said. "My head wasn't there. And I'm sorry that I didn't tell you. And I'm sorry that I scared you last night." I could have kept going but Kole stopped me. "Andy.stop it," he ordered. "You have nothing to be sorry about. Next week, if you play that bad, then you'll be sorry," he said punching me in the arm. We could now see the sun beginning to rise and the water started to sparkle in the early morning sun. "So," Kole began, "what are you going to do now?" Ha! "I'm going to sleep all day. I've been up for almost 24 hours dude. I have no energy left." "No dip-shit," Kole said. "I mean about the being gay thing." "Oh, my bad. I don't know, what do you want me to do?" "Andy - this isn't about me. Anything you need, I'll be here. But you have to be smart okay? You know some of the guys wouldn't take it well. Let alone your parents. I want you to feel safe and loved, k? You have to promise me that anytime you're feeling down, you'll come to me or at least someone. Doesn't matter what time dude. I'm not going to lose you." I honestly was lost for words. "Bro, you know that I." Damn, I had to say this. "About last night.I'm sorry. I didn't want to hurt anyone; I just wanted to end the pain inside. I know it's stupid, but I finally feel alive. But, what I'm trying to say.what I need to say." I just couldn't say it. "Andy, I love you too," Kole said pulling me in close once again. The sun was now bright orange, shining off the water.promising a brand new day. A day I had been given to live. I had at least one person who loved me. There would be more tough days ahead, but somehow I felt that here, at this place, the bench, I could handle anything. This is the first story I have ever written, so I could use some feedback. I have a whole outline where this story is going to go, so please, be patient and enjoy the ride as we get to know Andrew and his friends and family. It's going to be good and there will be sex eventually.. I would love feedback because I can always change where the story is going.after all, life is journey! Please email me at andygaywriter@yahoo.com