In Pain

Season 2 | Chapter 21

Forward Progress

You know the rules...follow them.

All persons, names, places, descriptions, and events are purely fictional. Any resemblance to actual persons, names, places, descriptions, or events is totally accidental and a pure coincidence.

This is a love story.

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The last week had been something like that of a fairy tale. The date last week had been beyond perfect. Even meeting Jake's parents went well. I was becoming closer with Ryan -- especially now that the basketball team had made the playoffs and were going to make a run to the championship; much like our football team had done just a few months before. Mike and I were spending more time together and having fun together - as brothers should. With him I was finding an inner peace, that he would be able to handle it when I finally decided I could tell him I was gay. Kole and I hadn't been talking as much, but I think it's because it's spring workout time and he's busy with that. He's also been elected captain by the team, so that's also taken him to the next level with the team. I think deep down inside he's relishing the opportunity to lead. I'm just sorry I can't be with him in the locker room on this journey.

Looking back, the date was fantastic. For my first date with a guy, I think I did remarkably well. I didn't spill anything, didn't shut the door on his foot or anything. Most importantly, I was able to conceal my hard-on most of the night and also in the walk back to our car.

The night we spent together was the finishing touches on a great chapter of my year. Laying in his arms, he in mine.

In fact, his arms are all I thought about all week. Now it was Thursday morning. I hadn't actually seen Jake since Sunday afternoon when we had coffee together. Four days. Four whole days. Since the date, I knew I was truly falling in love with him.

Growing up, I'd always thought I'd fall in love with a girl, date, get married and then have kids and grow old. I was finally starting to be okay with a change in the built-in plans for me. I was finally becoming okay with being with guy. The holding hands, the holding, the kissing; even the sex. I could finally feel myself believing in who I was and who I was going to become. But more than that, I was allowing myself to be okay with it. There was just this connection between us. It was different than the connection I had with Mike or with Kole. I'd obviously never felt it before.

With Mike, we were brothers. There was this unspoken bond between us that no matter what. No matter what events or what distance or what fight comes between us, we would always be there for each other. In the past few weeks, I've started to see it more and more.

Like last week when we just started playing cards after dinner for no reason. We played for over an hour and we both laughed more than we were quiet. He's started asking for more help from me with his homework. I've also made a bigger effort to stop by his room more and see what's going on in his life. I think by quitting the team, I'd been forced to realign my life and my brother needed to be a bigger part of it going forward.

Kole had been my best friend for as long as I could remember. We'd gone to grade school together. Rode the bus together. We were always teammates -- from barbies and football and baseball to the winter snowball fights. But the last week had been a little different for Kole and I. Being best friends for almost forever, we'd never gone more than a day or so without talking, and it was rare. But now, we hadn't spoken since Monday. As I was getting ready for school, I silently wondered if he noticed or if we had begun to move on to a new kind of friendship.

Pulling into the school parking lot, my mind had begun to wander off and think of all the good times with Kole. The great moments we'd shared. They weren't all rosy of course, but through all of our difficult times when we'd fight, with words or with our fists, we'd always come to our senses at the end. It seemed that with me quitting the team, I was losing the only best friend I'd known. It was weird. I wasn't sure why things were different. Maybe it was just a slump all friendships go through. He'd always been great and beyond amazing with my coming out and searching for a boyfriend. My mind started to race to the worst-case scenario so I was happy when I pulled into the school parking lot. Stepping out of my truck, I decided I needed to talk with him about it -- today.

The day passed just like any other day. Roll call, teacher speaks, bell rings, locker, bell rings; all over again please. That is until after fifth period. I saw Kole grabbing books out of his locker so I walked up beside him, patting him on the shoulder, "Hey man, what's up?"

Without looking at me he said, "Oh, the usual."

That was so unlike Kole; he hardly acknowledged that I was even alive. With that realization, instead of patting his shoulder I squeezed it and tried to turn him to face me.

"Dude, what's going on?"

He rolled his eyes while turning his head towards me, "Nothing's wrong Andy. I'm just tired."

Good try bro. I know you too well. You have to know I'm going to get it out of you. "Don't give me that crap dude. I know you're lying to me. What's going on man?"

He didn't say anything as he turned away and slapped his locker door shut so hard that it didn't latch, but popped back open. He slammed it again. This time it stuck. He looked back at me with a lot of anger in his eyes. I couldn't tell if it was at me, at the locker, at the day or at life itself. It was a side of I Kole I could only remember seeing once in my life.

We were about 12 and it was summertime. It was mid-afternoon and we had already been at the city pool for a few hours of water-filled fun. Out of nowhere, this kid, probably 14 or 15, ran by him, hitting Kole's elbow which caused him to spin around and spill his Pepsi all over me as I took a break from the sun. I remember I screamed at him, then realized it wasn't his fault. Before I even realized that though, he was running down after the kid, which of course, you're not supposed to do. He chased him all the way to the deep end and as the kid got ready to jump in, Kole dove after him, tackling him into the water. I think he got a punch or two in before the life guard put a stop to it. Needless to say, we were kicked out of the pool for a week, but I knew then and there Kole would fight for what he believed in. The look he had in his eyes then is nearly the same look he has in them now. I didn't understand why.

He turned to leave and I grabbed him by the shoulder to stop him from walking away. "Kole, can I at least come over tonight? I know you guys don't have your workout. I could be there at like five?"

He rolled his eyes at me again, "Yeah, fine." He turned back around breaking free from my hand and walked down the hall.

The rest of the day was a blur. When I had woken up, the only thing on my mind was Jake and how much I really missed him and his touch. Now I couldn't stop thinking about Kole and what was going on. I'd never seen him that distraught over anything in his life. Not even at any point in the last year when he was learning about my homosexuality or my suicide attempt or my quitting the team.

The last two periods of the day seemed to drag on forever as I was eager to get to Kole's house. All afternoon my mind kept replaying the scene at the locker. Besides that, I was trying to figure out if I had done something, if I'd missed some school gossip, if something was going on in his family that I had ignored. It wasn't his birthday, was it?! Towards the end of the afternoon, my mind had created these worse-case scenarios and I didn't like where it was leading me.

I was relieved when the final bell rang and it was time for me to go lead my tutor session in the library. This was a time I'd always enjoyed. Since leaving football publically, I'd begun to put more effort into making sure students knew the service was available and that they would feel safe coming to get help before, during and after school.

Sadly, I was all alone yet again. It was fortunate for me though as it forced me to always get my homework done. In fact, sometimes helping others helped me to understand other concepts even better. I was engrossed in some fractal problem when felt someone's presence across the table from me. I looked up and a smile immediately appeared on my face. It was Ryan.

We hadn't seen each other since last week's impromptu workout and it was nice to see him again. I put down my pencil and stretched my hand across the table, shaking his hand. I offered the chair next to mine so I could help him.

Thinking back, the library was the first place he and I had met. It was a place where I'd flirted publically with someone. I had been attracted to him before in different ways, but now, he was simply an awesome friend and someone I wanted to continue to get to know.

I snapped out of my day-dream and looked at Ryan who was watching me with this eyes and it appeared, his heart.

"So," I began, "What brings you here today?"

"Oh the usual," he said. "Girl problems."

I couldn't hold it in. I had to let out a laugh that should have gotten me kicked out of the library; I knew I wouldn't because the library ladies loved me.

"Seriously though, I thought we could hang out," Ryan said.

He turned in his chair to start pulling a textbook from his bag and said, "So, I hear you quit the football team?"

I laughed. "Yeah, I think I heard that too somewhere." He just glared at me. "Yeah, I do remember. It's when my dad said he was disappointed in me. Right. I remember."

I turned my head back to my book, depressed by the chosen topic. My house had been relatively quiet since that evening. I think all parties were just doing our best to avoid a confrontation of sorts. I smiled on the inside -- and maybe a little on the outside -- wait until they find out I'm gay.

"What's that smirk for?" Ryan asked.

"Nothing."

He nudged me with his elbow. "I know that look. What's up man!"

I smiled again. "The date was amazing."

"Oh yeah! I totally forgot." He reached back into his bag to pull out his calculator and as he leaned back up he said, "Oh and by the by, we won the basketball game in case you were wondering."

On that comment, I nudged him back. "Jack-ass. Of course I knew! You'd better go win a championship too, since I didn't. You can tell me what it feels like."

It seemed that he didn't want to do homework, while here I was, needing to do mine.

"So, are you going to tell me about the date?" Ryan pleaded.

I smiled again. Seems I've been doing that a lot lately. Especially... especially when I thought of Jake.

"Well...? Ryan prodded.

"The date was ...awesome. I met his parents. They were the parents I wish I had. When we were leaving his dad refused my handshake and instead gave me a hug and whispered into my ear that if I ever needed anything, he'd be there." I paused, remembering all the details.

"We went to Jio and it was awesome. We walked in holding hands and dinner was awesome and we couldn't stop smiling the whole dinner. Dude, my face hurt at the end of the night."

We were laughing. It was great. For the first time in a long time, I was relaxed.

He kept asking questions. What it was like to hold hands with a guy. What it was like to kiss a guy. What it was like to lay in bed with another guy. It was one of the cutest scenes I may ever experience in my life.

We kept talking about school and only touched on the math briefly. The time came for Ryan to leave and go to practice, so I packed up too and walked with him to his car.

As we were getting ready to part ways he asked, "Andy, you mind if I ask you something?"

"Sure... what's up Ryan?"

"I was just curious why you quit the football team?" I just stood there. It had been almost two weeks since I quit the team and now my answer was starting to seem a little... should I say... stupid?

"You know - - you're an athlete. The locker room is a bunch of homophobes. I wouldn't have survived. That's why I was so worried about you telling your team. But I'm happy you did. I'm really glad they have accepted you. But my team -- there's no way." I paused. "I just didn't fit in anymore."

My head hung low. Low because I wanted to play football. Low because I wish I'd been stronger and not quit. Low because I didn't know where I was going to go without football. I didn't lift my head up. I didn't want to. I was hoping to hear the sound of his footsteps walking away so I could reach up and wipe away the tears in my eyes. While I knew I was gay and was slowly becoming okay with that, I wasn't sure if I'd ever be totally okay with it. Totally in the open -- totally willing to stand up for myself and who I knew I was and who I wanted to be.

Instead, I felt his arms wrap around me in a tight embrace. "Andy, you'll always fit in." He looked me in the eyes when he said that and then leaned in and kissed me on the cheek. I wiped the tears away and said, "Thanks." Then he walked away.

I needed to get home. On my drive, I started thinking about what Ryan said about how I felt. Why had I quit football? Was it what I really wanted? Or was it what my team wanted? Why had I started playing in the first place?

I wanted to be open in public. I wanted to go to a basketball game and sit next to my boyfriend. I wanted to show other guys just like me that a teenager in the middle of America could indeed have a boyfriend and be 100% open about it.

From the highest of highs five days ago on my date to now, driving to Kole's depressed again about who I was and why I'd quit the team. I really hope someday I won't have to deal with these emotions of questioning myself.

I pulled up to his house and hoped out of my cab and made my way for what was sure to be an interesting conversation. Based on our encounter at school, we had some pretty important things to talk about.

As a literal member of the family, I walked through the open garage and into the house from their garage without knocking.

I walked in and only heard quiet music in the background and nothing else. The house seemed empty. Tense. I walked through the kitchen which was decorated in a spring décor. Kole's mother always did stuff like that -- just like mine. This house had always made me feel at home.

I turned the corner and saw Kole sitting at the kitchen table which was covered with books. He barely looked up from his studies as I pulled out the chair beside him. Sliding into the chair I stayed as quiet as I could, hoping my friend would finally tell me what was going on.

He didn't say anything. So I just sat there. I sat and waited.

This soon became a contest: Who would blink first.

I watched him as he worked on his homework; blazing through his history like I blaze through my math. He packed that book away and pulled out his calculator to work on the assignment I'd completed back at the library with Ryan.

It didn't take long, but he started to struggle with the problems. I watched, but didn't want to be the first to speak. I quietly and ever so slightly shifted in my chair to get a better look at the problem he was working on. Leaning back in the chair, I reached into my pants pocket and pulled out my pencil.

Reaching across the table, I turned the book a little bit towards me and I filled in part of the problem he was working on. I moved my hand away and looked into his eyes while he tried to understand how I'd come to that particular number. His hand reached towards the notebook and scribbled a number down. He pointed at what he'd just written and his head turned his eyes caught mine -- asking for my help.

"Yeah," was all I said. I lost the contest, but I decided it was time to be the bigger man and help Kole open up to me. He'd never had this problem before, but maybe I didn't know him like I thought I did.

He went on to the next problem and I watched. He didn't move the notebook back to him, instead leaving it where I could help when he needed it. He pointed and looked for help often and I tried my best to help him.

The last problem was finished and he started packing up his textbooks and was tossing everything into his backpack. He swung it over his shoulder and started towards his room. He motioned with a head nod for me to follow him there.

Once the door was shut behind us, I couldn't take it anymore.

"Alright Kole," I demanded. "What's going on? We haven't spoken hardly ten words to each other for the past week and today you were really mad. You have to tell me what's going on with you."

Nothing.

"Is it Vanessa?" No response. "Is it your parents?" No response. "Is it school? Football?" I ran down the list of possibilities.

Finally I said, "Is it me?"

He immediately sat up in his bed. "No, it's not you! It's everything. It's Vanessa, it's football, it's school, and yes... I guess part of it is you Andy."

I never imagined Kole would get this bogged down with emotions or the stuff that average guys our age get tangled up in. He'd always seemed above that. The night I wanted to kill myself, Kole seemed to be a man wise beyond his years. But even more than that, he always seemed that way. Maybe I'd put him up on this pedestal and never noticed these little things bothering him. Maybe I was just a terrible friend. What had I done wrong? Did I lay too much on him and not make sure he was okay?

"Alright then," is all I got out before he put up his hand to stop me. I took a step towards the bed and sat down next to him, waiting for him to open up and talk to me.

"Look Andy," he began, "you're my best friend and you always will be and I've always been supportive of you. But the last few months have been really hard. I've held it in, but the last week... I don't know... has been tough."

Okay, I honestly wasn't expecting that at all. But... it was a start.

"Why?" I asked.

He sighed. I sighed. Then nothing again.

"So, how's the team doing without me?" I asked.

He laughed. "Most of them were actually really pissed at you dude. You have no idea. They called you a lot of names. I even heard a few `fags' but coach shut that up pretty quick. Mostly though, they're still pretty mad, but we'll be alright." I looked at him and I could see him smiling. "No one's ever going to throw as hard as you do though." Then I smiled. Then he stopped. Then I stopped.

"How's Vanessa?"

He smiled again. "She's great man. She asks about you a lot. She really liked you. Come to think of it, we've talked a lot about you. But honestly man, she's amazing. I'm really glad we're going out."

I smiled. "That's great man. I thought you two would get along well."

"Yeah, she's been there for me a lot lately."

"Huh?" I asked, shocked.

Kole sat up and put his hand on my knee, "No, not like that dude...that came out wrong. Remember how I said you're my best friend? Well... lately... I've felt like I was losing you... or... I don't know. That doesn't make sense either."

"Yeah, no kidding dude. Why couldn't you talk to me?" I looked at him with hurt eyes.

He sighed and I waited.

"Kole, just tell me what's going on."

"Look -- when you told me you were gay that was pretty hard to take. I gotta be honest man. Everything I've said, the support I've given has been honest and sincere; don't get me wrong. But it's just been hard dealing with it all. I'm okay with the gay thing -- obviously. But now the quitting the team. It's just been a lot this year... ya know?"

I turned my head away to take in what I'd just been told. "Why didn't you talk to me then?"

"I couldn't talk to you about it! I didn't want you to think I didn't love or accept you anymore."

I just honestly couldn't believe that he wouldn't tell me what he was thinking. We'd always been totally honest with each other. All teenage best friends are.

"Andy, I'm sorry I didn't tell you I was having a tough time, but I really needed to figure it out on my own. Vanessa helped me with that. She's been a..."

"Wait!" I interrupted. "You told Vanessa I was gay?" I shot off the bed and looked at him square in the eye.

"Whoa, calm down Andy," he said raising his hand.

"No I will not calm down! Who gave you the fucking permission to go around telling people I was gay? It's not your secret to tell!"

"Dude, I only told her and I trust her. She knew something was wrong and I had to tell her. Andy... I had to."

"Fine." It wasn't fine, but it was over. She knew. Soon everyone would. Maybe it was for the best.

"Andy, do you know how hard it is not seeing you in the weight room anymore? How hard it is for me to think about not catching another pass from you? Not suiting up with you? Running out of the tunnel together? It's a nightmare."

I guess I took it for granted that we'd all be okay though this. I had been so focused on my parents and making sure I kept the gay part of the story a secret and also enjoying where my relationship was going that I just let it go that everything was okay with Kole.

I sat back down on the bed and wrapped my arms around him. "Kole, I'm sorry. You're right. I'm glad you could talk to Vanessa. But you know you can talk to me."

He nodded.

We talked for a bit more about my date with Jake and how meeting his parents went. We talked about the school dance coming up. We talked about the team and how it was looking for next year. We cried.

I looked at my watch and it was about dinner-time and I needed to get home. "Kole, I have to get going, but we're not done here. What'ya say you and I work out together this weekend? Just me and you."

"Yeah, I'd like that," he said smiling.

I left his house thinking about two things. One, I needed to spend more time with my friends. Two, I needed to come out of the closet and end this charade. But even after the conversation tonight with Kole, I wasn't sure if I was ready.

For some reason, my truck took me to Wendy's. I don't know why -- but it just sounded good. I decided to splurge. I bought a bunch of food for me and Mike. I just hoped he was home.

Pulling up to the house, I jumped out of the house and barely made it inside the door before Mike's hands were all over the burgers.

"No no dude. You only get to share with me on one condition."

"What's that?" he said with a mouthful of fries.

"We have to go play catch after dinner."

He laughed. "Sure Andy, no prob."

We both ate two burgers, large fries and two large sodas. So much for being athletes for a day. It was fun to just laugh in my house again. Lately, I'd been scared to.

While my stomach felt like a ton of bricks, Mike pumped up, pulling me with him and we went out to the back yard to play catch, just like I'd demanded.

After a few tosses my arm was feeling pretty loose and I decided here was my chance to start building a better relationship with my brother.

"So Mike, how's school going?"

"It's fine. I need it to be over though. I'm ready to play football again."

I laughed at him. "So, what do you call this?" I said tossing the ball a little harder than normal.

"Playing catch... that's what I call it." He was right. It wasn't really football, but it was as close as I'd been in a while.

My brother was throwing pretty hard too. Thinking back two years when I was his age I don't think I was throwing that hard at his age. I bet he'll have a better arm than me by the time he is the varsity starter. Watching him throw, he reminded me a lot of me. His form was perfect. He eyes always on me. The ball always perfect.

"So," Mike said, "what are you going to do now?"

"Yah know, I haven't really thought of that." Truth be told, I hadn't given it one once of thought. But by not playing football, my calendar had become wide open. "Maybe I'll do student government or start a club or join the choir. Who knows I guess."

I guess the answer satisfied him because we just kept tossing the ball in silence. But I needed to know something.

"I know it's only been a two weeks, but how are you doing... with me quitting the team?"

On that question, he threw me a laser of a pass that stung my hands. No need for words, huh?

"Not gunna lie, it sucks. I loved watching you play. But I know you had your reasons so, I guess as long as you're happy, that's cool then."

Maybe he'd be okay with me being gay then? Not tonight though. One thing at a time.

"Just don't piss dad off again," he finished.

"I make no promises," I said, laughing hysterically with my brother watching as though I was crazy.

We continued tossing the ball around for what seemed like hours. We talked off and on while the ball went back and forth between us. I think it was therapeutic for both of us. Brothers playing catch. It was the most relaxed I'd felt in months. Watching Mike throw the ball, I could see it in his eyes: he wasn't going to be denied. Nothing phased him. He just had the look of a knight almost. Someone who would take their punches standing up, help everyone along the way, and lead their team to victory. He'd be a freshman in the fall. A kid among `giants.' I was how I used to feel. It's how I was starting to feel again.

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Thanks everyone for your patience! This one took a lot longer than expected, but I'm going to blame that on work. My life has been busy with deadlines and traveling. I have a big speech coming up next month so I've been getting organized for that. Beyond that, I only have a few chapters to go before this story is finished!

DO YOU WANT TO OWN A COPY OF `IN PAIN'?

I am working with my editor right now to see if there is enough interest to publish In Pain. BUT -- we need to know from you! Please e-mail me at andygaywriter@yahoo.com with the subject line "IP Book" if you'd be interested in purchasing the book. The price range would be between $10-15 (American) plus shipping. In your message, please indicate if you live in the United States. We need a certain number of interested parties to move forward with the publisher.

WHEN IS THE NEXT CHAPTER COMING?

I get a lot of e-mails about the delays in the chapters. I'm sorry about that. But, in anticipation of the end of this series, I have created a release schedule. Here it is. As always -- it is subject to change. Keep your eye on the Yahoo! Group for updated information.

Chapter 22 - ...and then there were two (release date: 27 March -- projected)

Chapter 23 Road Trip (release date: 17 April)

Chapter 24 The Championship (release date: 19 May)

Chapter 25 The Bench (release date: 17 June)

This story is the sole creation of its author and thus he retains full publication rights. Please email me to post it on a site other than Nifty. Email me at: andygaywriter@yahoo.com. Thanks!

Feel free to email me at andygaywriter@yahoo.com and I'll do my best to reply as quickly as I can...but know that I do read EVERY email that is sent to me and I take them all to heart. I love you guys!

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