In Pain
Season 2 | Chapter 25
The Bench
You know the rules...follow them.
All persons, names, places, descriptions, and events are purely fictional. Any resemblance to actual persons, names, places, descriptions, or events is totally accidental and a pure coincidence.
This is a love story.
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now to see if there is enough interest to publish In Pain. BUT -- we need to
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:::::
Since the basketball team won the championship, everything has changed. For so long I'd been afraid to be myself, when all along, that's all I ever was and all I ever could be. The team was victorious but my sudden coming out was a huge side-bar story.
Walking into school that Monday morning after arguably the best and scariest weekend of my life was a weird feeling. I'd received dozens of phone calls that Sunday as more and more of my classmates heard the news; whether it was from their parents who had watched it live, or from the newspaper story. There was now a reason for why I'd quit the team.
Most the people that called were just people I had class with. Only a few of my former teammates called. Just that one call was worth the stress of the last year. It was our senior captain. He called and said he was proud of me. He said he'd wished he'd known because he would have stood up for me, even if no one else would have known. That meant a lot.
Of course, I did get a few hateful text messages and a few people even called the house to make fun of me and my family. One guy even threatened. It wasn't a bad threat, although what threat is a good one. It was just a mean remark with hate behind it. What was more surprising was how my dad handled those calls. Sitting up in my room doing homework that afternoon, I'd hear him answer the phone and deal with those who didn't understand and didn't like that I had come out.
I'm not sure where my dad found the strength. All he'd say was he appreciated their call and that he loved his son. Every time I heard him say that, I got chocked up. My mom stopped in my room almost every hour to bring me another cookie or another glass of milk. And each time she'd leave, she'd give me a hug. I'm sure I gained five pounds that day simply from her milk and cookies.
I was worried all day about going to school the next day. My last two calls came from Ryan and Jake.
Ryan called as I was getting ready to call Jake to say goodnight.
"Hey Mr. MVP!" I answered.
"Hey yourself," Ryan began. "How's Mr. `I'm going to come out on live television" doing?"
I thought to myself for a moment. I flashed back to all the fear and pain of the last year and smiled. "Ya know, he's doing pretty well."
"I had a whole list of questions I was going to ask you... but hearing that, that's all I needed to know."
"Well, congrats on the championship man. It was great watching you. I'll see you at school tomorrow?"
"Yeah, for sure, "Ryan said, and we hung up.
I quickly dialed Jake to say goodnight to my boyfriend. Even though he wasn't out to his school yet, I knew it was just a matter of time. He'd never pressured me to come out; he wanted me to do it with time. It's something I respected him a lot for. Kole and Neal had done the same this whole time as well.
"Hey boyfriend," Jake answered.
"Hey boyfriend!" I beamed back.
"How is everything?" he asked.
"Better than expected," I said.
"I knew it would be," he said as though he actually knew. "So, when do I get to meet the folks?"
I laughed. "Hey, I just came out; give it a day or a week... or a lifetime."
"I know. I can't wait to be honest though. But I'll wait as long as it takes, you're worth it."
"So are you Jake."
We talked a little bit more about the weekend and how much fun we'd both had. We talked about how the school might react and how my parents had taken it. We talked about when he might come out to everyone. To be honest, I didn't care at this point. I'd realized it's such a personal decision that I didn't want to put pressure on him. Over the last few months I'd learned to love him and grew to know that love doesn't grow old.
Over the next weeks my relationship with my brother continued to grow -- and for the better. We spent more time together as the semester wore down and he started to get ready to be a high schooler, just like me. His girlfriend was over more and we all would hang out, together.
My relationship with my parents even improved. I still felt like I was going to get yelled at for quitting or for being gay, but it didn't happen. I think maybe my parents were relieved that there was a reason for all the things that had been happening the past year. They finally had some answers and maybe, somehow, my being gay was something they could deal with. It was odd at first, having real conversations at dinner again and not feeling like I might throw up from nervousness anymore.
I loved having my mom and dad back in my life. There were even a few occasions where one or both of them would find me alone and ask me a single question about my life or about being gay or how I knew that I was in fact, `gay.' I'm not sure who was more scared: them or me, but at the end of the answer, there was always a hug and an `I love you' reply from both of us. Every time that happened, every time I was on the receiving end of that, I felt like I'd done the right thing and I believed that I could go out into the world and face anything.
It was the night before the last day of school and Mike and I were watching SportsCenter in his room, just chilling when mom knocked on his door.
"Andrew, can I talk to you for a second?" she asked.
"Um... sure?" I said. I was worried it was something bad. I was worried because since I'd come out, it had been better than planned and maybe it was just an act, maybe now was the time they were going to explode and kick me out of the house.
We walked to the living room and my dad was reading the paper.
"Your father has something to ask you," my mom said.
I sat down on the couch and she sat next to me. "Yeah dad?" I asked.
"Andrew, I know this last year has been hard on you. I hope you know that your mother and I will always stand behind you. We believe in you; always have." He paused laying his paper down on his lap. "I guess what I'm trying to say... is that we're proud of you son."
When he finished that sentence, he looked up at me and our eyes connected. I broke the look and looked at my mom and she was beaming. I hadn't felt this much love from them in so long. Maybe I just hadn't been letting it in, maybe I was scared to believe they would still love me so I'd shut them out. Whatever the reason, I was still here and they still loved me and that was a good thing.
I stood up and hugged them both, one at a time. I started to walk out of the room when my father's voice stopped me.
"Oh," he began, "one more thing."
"Yeah dad?"
"Sometime, when you're ready, we'd like to invite that... we'd like to have your fr..." he struggled. I looked right at him again, holding back my smile while putting my hands in my front pockets. "We'd like to have your boyfriend over for dinner."
One solitary tear dripped from my eye and trickled down my cheek and I felt it slip off. "Thanks dad," was all I could say. I turned and started to walk up the stairs and about halfway up, I couldn't contain myself anymore and tore up the rest of the stairs and into my room to call Jake and tell him the good news.
He of course, was ecstatic. A week later, there we were on the back deck on a Saturday afternoon: my brother and his girlfriend sitting at the table jabbering away, while my mother was putting out the potato salad and fruit bowl and all the trimmings, while my father was standing over the grill like he always did. And of course, Jake was there. He was helping my mother set up all the food and continued to ask what he could do to help. Finally my dad ordered him to sit down and enjoy the day.
He came and sat down next to me and I looked around. Here was my whole family, sharing in a great Saturday afternoon and all the people I loved were here. It was a great day and it was going to be a great summer.
And it was. I spent a lot of time at the gym with Mike helping him get ready for the season as a freshman quarterback that fall. I was working out a lot with Kole too. He was trying to add some muscle so he could be a little bit faster and stronger as he'd decided he wanted to keep playing football into college in two years. Of course, I spent a lot of time with Jake as well. He and I worked out a bit together, but we mostly relaxed when we had the time. We watched a lot of movies and went shopping a lot. We never really bought anything, but the time together was always fun. We went to a party here and there and I spent the night at his house at least twice a week. My parents weren't okay with him staying at our house, but they always smiled when I told them I'd be staying the night at his house.
Soon the summer was over and school was starting up again. I was glad to be back at school. I was a year older, hopefully a year wiser, and definitely a year stronger. They say, `the things that don't kill you, make you stronger.' I don't think those that say that ever carried rope out into their car wishing to actually kill themselves.
Anyone who has hit that point knows the despair that moment holds. I didn't have it on my calendar, the anniversary of me hitting rock bottom, but as the first game of the football season approached, I realized it was after that first game when the bottom became my home.
Over the summer most of my former teammates had made efforts to talk to me and clear the air. Most of them had been quiet in the beginning days of my coming out, but slowly they started to come around. Of course, there were the few who hadn't said a word to me since they found out the truth about me, but the majority had made amends.
In fact, for the first time in history, a player who wasn't on the team was named captain for the first game. It was Kole who made it happen. The team had voted him captain the week before the season began and the night before the game, he called a team meeting and pitched the idea. Kole told me just before the game that if anyone in the locker room had been against it, they didn't speak up.
It was an honor to be on the field again, to be with the guys. I got to walk to midfield and shake hands with the opposing team and be there for the coin toss. They were treating me like some kind of hero and that's not who I was. I hadn't done anything to deserve this treatment. When the coin toss was over, I turned to jog off the field and as I did, running side by side with Kole, I looked up into the stands. I knew that somewhere in those stands was a little boy or littler girl who felt different. They knew it, but they maybe weren't sure what it meant. Maybe there was a soon-to-be teenager who knew they were gay but just wasn't ready to come out but saw me and saw that it is okay to be gay in this town. In that moment, looking into the stands on that beautiful Friday night sky, I knew it had all been worth it.
I stayed on the sidelines throughout the game, enjoying the sights, the sounds, the noise and the vibration from the cell phone. It sounds funny, I know, but Jake's dad promised me to keep me posted on how he was doing. Every time it vibrated, I jumped and reached for it as fast as I could and I'd text back.
When our game finished and I was walking off the field my dad grabbed me by the shoulders, turning me around. He leaned in close enough so just he and I would hear, "How's he doing?" he asked smiling.
"His dad said they just finished."
"Well...?"
"They won... as if there were any doubt," I said laughing, giving him the biggest hug I had in years.
Our team had won as well. Kole had made a diving catch into the end zone to win it with no time left on the clock. If only he could have done that in our championship game!
I started to walk to my car to head over to Jake's as we were going to be spending the night together and the whole day tomorrow, Kole ran up to me, jumping on my back.
"Dude!" I yelled. "You're gross and sweaty and well... I've got a hot date!
"Sorry about that!" he laughed, catching his breath. "I just wanted to say thanks for being here... from me and the guys. It meant a lot."
"No problem man, it was great being out there."
"Anyway... I gotta shower so I'll catch ya later this weekend?"
"Of course man," I said opening my car door.
"Hey Andy!" Kole yelled.
"Yeah?"
"Be at the park bench, the one by the lake at 6 a.m. Sunday. I'll see you there."
I laughed and hopped in my car.
Spending the weekend with Jake was great. He was the new starting quarterback for his team, taking over from his brother. He too had made a great play to end their game, winning it in overtime on a quarterback draw. I was mad I missed it, but luckily his dad had taped it, so we all watched it together Saturday night. His mom, his dad and us, cuddled on the couch. One retired quarterback, one just starting.
I stayed over on Saturday night as well and got up early so I could run to Starbucks before heading to the park to meet Kole for what was by far our earliest meeting ever.
I parked the car and made the short walk to the bench. Kole was already sitting there looking out over the water. I sat down next to him, handing one of the steaming cups of coffee over to him.
Taking my seat next to him I asked, "So what in the hell do I owe this ungodly early morning wake up call to?"
He took a sip of the coffee and his eyes stayed focus out on the lake. But he didn't say anything.
"Kole, what's up man?"
"Just thinking," he finally said.
"About what might I ask?"
"The last year."
I nodded my head and took a quick sip of my coffee. "Yeah, it was definitely crazy to say the least and I don't want to do it again."
"Me neither," Kole said.
Then there was silence again. We both sat there drinking our coffee and looking out over the water. It was a very peaceful morning.
"You still didn't answer my question: Why are we here?"
"Don't you remember?"
"Remember what?" I asked. My mind started to race. What had I forgotten... his birthday? Anniversary of some sort?
"Our first game last season... do you remember it?"
My mind replayed the game. "Yeah, we lost. So what?"
"Do you remember after?"
My mind replayed that night. I knew we'd lost and we'd all been upset and I'd gone home mad and didn't want to hang out with anyone after the game. I remembered being worn out from the game. It had been my first start as the varsity quarterback and I'd let the team down. We had been heavily favored to win and we were ranked number one in the state at the time. Then it hit me.
It was the night I'd writen my suicide letter on my computer and tried to keep Kole from coming over. He'd arrived just as I was about to leave.
Taking a deep breath, "Yeah, I remember now."
"It was a year ago today that you came out to me," Kole said.
"And it was a year ago today you saved my life," I said.
"Yeah."
"Kole... I really don't know what to say," I said.
"You don't have to say anything. I just wanted to remind you of something," Kole said.
"Can I say something first?" I asked.
"No, I just really wanna say this. You've been my best friend for as long as I can remember. And that day a year ago, I was asscared as I've ever been in my life. Football and tests and girls - I can figure out." I burst out laughing, and he soon joined me. "Well, maybe not the girls thing, but I'm working on it. Anyway, I can deal with that stuff. Not having you as a friend, well, that's something I can't do. So, I just wanted to remind you that I'm always going to be here. You're the only brother I have and especially after the last year, I know I couldn't ask for a better friend."
I just sat there looking out over the water. There was so much I wanted to say and so much I felt like I needed to say.
"Kole, I'm not even sure what I can say to that. I guess all I can say is that I wouldn't be me without you. You helped make me who I am and I'm damn proud to have you as my friend. And I know you know it, but I love you like my brother and if there is anything you ever need, all you gotta do it ask and I'll do it."
His hand was sitting on his lap and his other hand was holding his cup of coffee and I reached out and grabbed his free hand with him and just held it, taking another sip from my coffee. I shook it a moment, then let it go and looked back out over the lake.
I knew at this moment, sitting on the bench with my best friend, I had many people who loved me and those same people who'd been with me in good times and bad. There would be great days ahead for sure. There would also be tough days but somehow I felt that here, in this place, with the people who I love more than I ever imagined possible, I could handle anything.
Pain never goes away. It's simply a part of life. But looking back over the year, my pain had been because I was living a lie and I was scared of being myself. Now, anytime I'd have pain, I would know that I can work through it. I would know that no matter how bad things get, it will never be like it was. It will never be like it was when I hit bottom. I had finally set myself free from my own pain, my own guilt, my own hatred and it's a liberating feeling.
The sun was starting to come up now and it was reflecting off the calm water before us. The sun was a bright orange, beckoning a brand new day. It's a great feeling being one with yourself and knowing that nothing in the world seems more right and more life affirming. I finally felt like I was home. I finally felt love.
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Final Comments-
Wow... it's over. It is finished. But yet, it is really just beginning. I would first like to thank you: the reader! You stuck with me when I first started out in October 2005 -- when the writing was sub-par and full of mistakes. When I started writing, I was in a bad place, with bad emotions and I used the story and created the characters to show just that. Your letters kept me going. Writing is a hard task, but the letters, the conversations, the connections I made with so many of you have touched my heart and will until the day I die. I'll never forget the long emails I'd send to a teenager in Sweden who was unsure if he was gay or not, or how his parents would react. I remember an grown adult, Jim from the United States who had three teenage sons finally coming to terms with his sexuality and ending his marriage of over 20 years. He shared his heart and pain with me. I have a story like that for each and every one of you who wrote me. I tried my best to write all of you back and if I didn't, know that no letter ever went unread.
When I started this story, I had a few goals. First, I wanted a story you could relate to. I think I accomplished that. We touched on a lot of issues including suicide, depression, online dating, hiding behind heterosexuality and coming out. Second, I wanted the story to have an athletic focus. I did that using a sport I never played competitively except on the playground and on Thanksgiving afternoons in our family backyard. I needed the characters to be ordinary, yet extraordinary. Andrew is a scared jock and his best friend Kole is the loving soul. I hope these were characters you could relate to on some level.
This story did not end as I intended, but that's how much this characters started to take on a life of their own. They became a part of me. When I stopped writing, and took a long, unexpected break, I found my place. I found my home. I tried to create a story that would make you laugh and cry at the same time. It's a challenge for a writer to write on the fly and change the story as it goes, so if you did laugh, if you did cry, if the story affected you, if you were angry with me, wish more would happen, wish it wasn't ending... Thank You!
In Pain has been as much a story for you as it has been a journal for me. I've bore my heart on these pages and for reading it, thank you! I cannot say that enough! This story has been a struggle to find the energy for, but it was you, the reader who kept me going.
I would be remiss if I didn't make a few personal comments. I want to thank the people who have encouraged this story to its conclusion and to my friends who helped me find my home. Eric, Todd, Brian, Asitha, Robert, Shanna, Lindsay, Kelly, Will and countless others, you all gave me your shoulders to stand on and I thank you. And to my tireless editor of the last dozen or so chapters: Nathanael. He's one of the most passionate people I will ever have the privilege of meeting and knowing, and he's been a pretty damn good boyfriend for the last 17 months.
Alright, I've rambled enough... What's next for me? A break! I have a few short story ideas that I'd like to try some new techniques with and explore my passion for writing. As always, I will keep my blog running (http://thoughts-of-a-butterfly.blogspot.com) and I'd love to stay in touch with you all. Shoot me an email from time to time (andygaywriter@yahoo.com). The group will also stay active and I'll post there from time to time as well. I'm working on two new books ideas, so keep your eyes on the blog and the Yahoo group for updates on that.
Finally, Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! This is been a crazy incredible journey for me. I'm very proud of what I was able to create and the lives I've touched through doing what I love and I thank you for letting me share that with you. You will be in my heart always.
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As a reader of this story, I want you to come with me. Join my group at http://groups.yahoo.com/group/andygaywriter16 and bookmark my blog at http://thoughts-of-a-butterfly.blogspot.com
DO YOU WANT TO OWN A COPY OF `IN PAIN'?
I am working with my editor right
now to see if there is enough interest to publish In Pain. BUT -- we need to
know from you! Please e-mail me at andygaywriter@yahoo.com
with the subject line "IP Book" if you'd be interested in purchasing the book.
The price range would be between $10-15 (American) plus
shipping. In your message, please indicate if you live in the
This story is the sole creation of its author and thus he retains full publication rights. Please email me to post it on a site other than Nifty. Email me at: andygaywriter@yahoo.com . Thanks! Feel free to email me at andygaywriter@yahoo.com and I'll do my best to reply as quickly as I can...but know that I do read EVERY email that is sent to me and I take them all to heart. I love you guys! You can also join my Yahoo Group by going to http://groups.yahoo.com/group/andygaywriter16