In Pain 8

All persons, names, places, descriptions, and events are purely fictional. Any resemblance to actual persons, names, places, descriptions, or events is totally accidental and a pure coincidence.

This is a love story and at this time, limited sexual activity, but that will change with time.

This story is the sole creation of its author and thus he retains full publication rights. Please email me to post it on a site other than Nifty. Email me at: andygaywriter@yahoo.com. Thanks! You can also join my Yahoo Group which has just started by going to http://groups.yahoo.com/group/andygaywriter16

As I drove to pick up Vanessa, there was only one thing on my mind: Jake. Who was he? Could I like him? Would he be cute? Could we meet sometime? They were still running through my head ten minutes later as I pulled up to Vanessa's house.

I hurriedly ran up the stairs to her front door and promptly rang the doorbell. Her father answered. `Hi, Mr. Carson, my name is Andrew and I'm your only daughter's date for the evening. Don't worry about me fucking her, I'm gay and don't want to touch that.'

Okay-okay, so I didn't actually say that, but I was thinking it. It wasn't like she wasn't attractive, because she was. Just that she wasn't a guy...simple as that. I'd much rather be going to the dance with her younger brother. Oh well...I'd have to settle for this one night. Then I was Jake's.

We finally arrived at the dance after about a half-hour of pictures and kisses from her mother. It was brutal. I really didn't want to be there but I needed to fake it for a few hours.

Vanessa and I soon got to dancing and had the first slow dance. She leaned into me, wrapping her arms around me and all I could think about was a boy standing there instead. She put her head on my chest and I looked at her for a second, then I started looking at all the boys in the crowd, dancing with their dates.

After a few dances, I was already hot, so I told Vanessa I needed a break and I grabbed Kole from his date and we went for the punch bowl.

"Just a second," I said as we got away from the group of students. I leaned in and started to whisper, "Someone emailed me!"

"Remember that profile I put online awhile ago? Well, someone finally emailed me! He's a freshman and his name is Jake!"

"Haha!" I laughed. "Nothing yet, I got the email right before I was supposed to pick up Vanessa."

Kole could see the smile on my face. "Andrew," he said as he leaned in, "you really are gay aren't you?"

"Um, yeah dude. I wasn't making it up. What'd you think dude?" I was kinda mad at him for saying that. I mean, hell, I had almost killed myself because of this `feeling?'

Kole was struggling with what to say next as he could see I was pretty upset. "Andy, that's not what I meant and you know it. It's just I wasn't sure that you were so sure about this. I mean, I don't have a problem with it, trust me man, k?"

As he was talking my eyes had drifted towards the floor. It felt as though my best friend in the whole world didn't believe me and was shocked and somehow disappointed by the fact that I was gay. Kole reached out and put his hand on my face, "Andy, do you believe me?"

I looked up into his eyes and saw concern. I hadn't seen that since that night I came out to him. I also saw something different that I hadn't before: love.

"Look man," Kole said, "We have to get back to the dance, but tonight when we get back to your place and it's just you and I, we gotta have a talk okay?"

We both returned to the dance and I was a totally different person. He was still his bubbly self. Me, I was now a wandering mind with a sad look on my face. Vanessa picked up on it right away.

"Yeah, everything's fine," I muttered. "I think I'm just tired from the game that's all. I'm sorry Vanessa."

I look at her with two emotions. One, I did want to sit down and two, I wanted to do it alone.

She was going to have none of that. "Andy, go sit down for a bit and rest. I'll dance with someone else for awhile, okay? Just don't forget about me, okay?"

I arrived and splashed some water on my face. Damn, that felt good. I shut the water off and looked into the mirror with the water dripping off my face. `What was Kole talking about earlier and what was that look in his eyes?'

I was losing it. I hadn't thought about Kole in that way since he had fallen asleep on my bed, but now those thoughts were back and stronger than ever. I mean, it would be so easy. He already knew me and I already knew him. We'd already seen each other naked so there wouldn't be any surprises there.

Some of my teammates walked into the bathroom and broke my trance. We chatted for a few minutes about the dance, who might `score' that night and went over some of the plays of the game. Somehow I excused myself from that group and went and sat down.

I found my date dancing with Kole of all people. I pretended like I was watching her, but I was in fact watching Kole. The way his hands held her close. The way her head rested on his chest, just like mine. And that smile. I closed my eyes and dreamed of me being Vanessa with those hands on my back and my head on his chest.

My trance was broken by someone saying something to me. "Hey, you okay?" the voice asked.

"Oh, don't worry about it, I'm just tired that's all," I said trying to get this guy to leave me alone.

"If you say so," he said turning in his chair. No sooner had he turned back and asked, "Hey, you're Andy Godfrey, aren't you?"

"Well, you played really well tonight. Good luck the rest of the season. See you around," he said as he hurriedly got up and left. I could tell by the way he got up that I had hurt his feelings, but I didn't even know the kid...and I didn't have the time or the energy to deal with fans right now.

I spent the next twenty minutes checking out all the guys on the dance floor and thinking about Jake and Kole. I just couldn't get them out of my mind for the life of me.

I decided it was time to go out and dance again as the dance was almost over and I had spent most of the night by myself.

As I reached Vanessa one of my favorite songs started. It was a mix of fast and slow but I walked up to her and said, "May I have this dance?"

She giggled like girls are prone to do. "I wouldn't have it any other way," she said.

I took her hand and led her to the center of the dance floor. It was going to be our moment. I wanted to have one good memory from this night. If nothing else, it would help keep the rumors to a minimum for awhile, but that wasn't even on my mind at the time. I wanted to have a positive memory and I wanted to leave Vanessa with one. Tonight was for us and I wanted her to remember it that way.

:I've tried to do on like I never knew you / I'm awake but my world is half asleep / I pray for this heart to be unbroken / But without you all I'm going to be is incomplete"

The song ended and we looked into each others eyes and I could see the love she had for me and I'm sure she didn't see the same thing coming from my eyes. It killed me to do it to her, but I couldn't reciprocate the emotion. Sure, I loved her, but that was all it was. One friend loving another.

As we looked into each other's eyes, I knew I had to say something to her. I thought for a moment, "Vanessa, thanks for a great night. Sorry I was tired and not much fun. I hope you had a good time."

She just smiled and rolled her eyes. "I had a great time Andrew. And you're here right now...that's all that matters."

"Alright – see ya then," I yelled back as I opened Vanessa's car door, as the perfect all-American gentleman my father had trained me to be. We drove in silence with my country station playing softly in the background. We were getting close to her house when one of my favorite songs came on the radio, the new release from Kenny Chesney, "Who You'd Be Today."

I parked the car but didn't turn it off. I wanted to hear the words. I turned it up a little and shifted in my seat to look at my wonderful date. The words come through and hit me hard, harder than ever before, "Would you see the world, would you chase your dreams...I wonder what would you name your baby...but death tore the pages all away...God knows how I miss you, all the hell that I've been through, just knowing no one could take your place, and sometimes I wonder...who you'd be today."

I thought for a moment so that I could get it right. "I mean in life, who do you want to be? What do you want?"

"um, I don't really know. I haven't really thought about it yet I guess. I guess go to college, get married and have kids. That's pretty simple I guess." Vanessa sat in silence for a minute then asked, "What about you? Who do you want to be?"

"I just want to be happy and have people not hate me when I decide that's what I want."

I just laughed in a quiet, sad way. "Vanessa, someday, even if its not today, people will hate me when I decide its time for me to be happy. Trust me."

"Well, I better walk you to your door," I said as I got out and went around, opening her door. I took her hand and helped her out of the car and we walked to her door, hand-in-hand, just like two lovers in love.

We got to her front door and I knew what I had to do and what we both wanted. It surprised me that I wanted to, but I needed to kiss her goodnight.

"It was my pleasure Vanessa," I said as I look her hand and leaned in and gave her the slightest kiss on her cheek. She looked to the ground as I said, "Well, I better get going. I'll see you Monday at school. Sleep well."

She just stood there as I walked back to my car and as I started it she opened her front door, went inside and closed the door on my first heterosexual date.

As I drove back to my house a lot of thoughts were going through my mind. I was thinking a lot about the question Vanessa had asked me. Who did I want to be? I knew I was gay. Did I need to be open about it in order for me to be happy? Could I afford the costs that would come with that? I was beginning to feel like I was lying to everyone and that's the last thing I wanted to do. But, are the rewards worth the cost of lying?

I finally arrived home and had tears running down my face. Kole was already at my house and was waiting by his car. As I climbed out of my car he walked towards me.

"What the hell took you so long Andy? You didn't have sex did you?" Kole asked laughing. As soon as he reached me, he heard me sniffle and saw me reach my hand to my face to wipe away the tears. He grabbed my shoulder and turned me around. Without hesitation he wrapped his arms around me and I leaned into him and started to sob.

He just stood there rubbing my back and holding my head. This is everything I've ever wanted. Just to be here in not only a boy's arms, but Kole's.

I didn't even know where to begin. "I've just been thinking about a lot of stuff lately. Kole, I'm tired of feeling like this. Like I'm hiding this from everyone. I mean, I used Vanessa tonight just to hide who I really was. It sucked. I mean, she's a great girl, but not for me. I need something else."

He pulled my head off of him and looked into my eyes. They had a different look than I had ever seen. It was love I saw. "Andy, there is nothing you can tell me that will make me stop being your friend. Trust me on that."

I started to cry again and I put my head back on his shoulder and slowly got the strength to tell him my deepest secret. "Kole," I said between sobs, "I love you."

Without missing a beat, "Andy, I love you to, but I can't love you the way you need. You'll always be my best friend, nothing will ever change that." He pulled my head off his shoulders and pulled my face to his and gave me the sweetest, softest kiss on the lips. My face was streaked with tears and my eyes were closed as more were seeping out. "Nothing."

He turned and put his arm around my shoulder and we started to walk into my house. I had a feeling we were going to do a little more talking once we got inside.

We got to my room and I sat on my bed and he joined me. "Andy, when did you know you were gay?"

I thought for a moment, "Ya know, I really don't know. I guess I just realized that when I stopped checking out girls and was checking out guys. Like tonight, when I was with Vanessa, I hardly looked at her. When we would dance, I would check out all the guys around me." I paused and continued, "Kole, I'm sorry for what I said outside. I don't want to ruin our friendship. I'll try to stop feeling this way about you."

Kole just rolled his eyes. "Oh come on dude. I'm flattered you even think of me like that, really. I mean, it is kinda weird, but you're my bud. Nothing will change that. I just want to you be happy. I'll do anything I can to get you there...well, almost anything," he said giving me a little shove. That put a little smile on my face and he saw it right away. "There's the smile we all love!"

"Oh, shut up," I said trying to stay sad. "Kole, why are you so cool with me being gay? I mean, no one else will be. Why are you?"

"Andrew, you've been the only best friend I've ever had and I wouldn't trade you for anything in the world. You are who you are and I love you. Also, you're not the first person I know who is gay so I've had a little experience."

"He came to visit last summer, we was 17 then and he just turned 18, remember? I can show you a picture later if you want."

"Only if I can date him," I laughed as I got up and sat at my computer and logged into my email to read the one from Jake again.

I decided I would write him right back and see what came of my first gay friend.

Hey Jake! Dude, I was so excited when I read your email. I couldn't stop thinking about you the whole night and tonight was my homecoming dance! It pretty much sucked cause I kept looking at all the guys dancing. J Yeah, I know, I'm lonely and horny...what can I say?

A little bit about me. I'm the high school quarterback and only a sophomore. I was suspended for a game, but that's cause I kinda got into a fight. I can tell ya more about that later if you want. We won tonight so that was cool. I'm 5'11" and 160 pounds with brown hair and eyes. I love to mess with my hair and all the girls love it. Hehe...I only wish the guys would.

I just got done crying with my best friend actually. Chesney's new song, "Who you'd be today" was on the radio and it got me thinking about who I want to be. All I know is that I want a boys arms around me every night when I go to sleep and every morning when I wake up. That's all. At that point, I'd be happy.

I hope I don't scare you off because I could really use someone to talk to. You're the first person to send me a message and I already like you a lot! Anyway, I need to get to bed because my dad wants to hang out and do guy stuff tomorrow. YEA! Yeah, that's sarcasm right there.

Kole and I fell asleep on my bed. We hadn't slept together in a same bed for a few years, but for some reason I think we both felt we needed to be together on this night.

We slept so well that night I don't think we even moved. He woke up first and I woke up a short time later. "How long have you been watching me?" I asked.

I smiled, "Oh, long enough to hear you mutter the name `Jake' a few times, horny guy."

We both got up and made our way to the kitchen. As we reached the top of the stairs I stopped Kole and gave him the biggest hug I have ever given anyone. "Kole, thanks for everything last night. I couldn't ask for a better friend than you."

He just smiled and started down the stairs. I watched him as he reached the bottom and I thought to myself, `yeah, I can do this. Someday I will be happy. Right now, I'm good.'

Summary: Wow – what a chapter! Andy is really gay and he finally told Kole how he feels. How lucky is he? Kole really is modeled after a few of my friends who are awesome like that. Andy is finally starting to realize what it will take for him to be happy, but when will he act on that? When will his lying just take him to a point where he just has to come out for his own sanity? Oh – we shall see.

Personal Note: I'm sorry to those who have written me and I haven't written back. Please know that I do read them all and I thank you so much for your comments. They keep me writing. There are now four chapters remaining in this season and all will come out before the end of the year. The timeline is a little behind the `real' calendar. Thanksgiving will happen in the next chapter. It was supposed to happen in this one, but I got to the end, and I liked where it was, so I wanted to move the Thanksgiving story-line to the next chapter. Things in my life are going well. I hung out with my great friend Nick on Tuesday night when I returned to my parents' house. He's a great guy and I owe him a lot. For a 17 year old, he's amazingly in tune with a lot of things. He writes poems and I took one of them and wrote a song using his words. I am working on a second one of his right now. I will use them in the story sometime. I think that's all about me. Take care everyone.

Feel free to email me at andygaywriter@yahoo.com and I'm doing my best to reply as quickly as I can...but know that I do read EVERY email that is sent to me and I take them all to heart. I love you guys!