this is a story that includes acts of love between gay boys. If this is offensive to you, use your back button or go away. All rights reserved, c2005
Wow! It's been a long time hey?! April 9th 2004. Just over a year! Ok ok first of all I would like to apologize to you guys for making the story die.
As I say in probably every chapter, I've been through kind of a difficult time. 2004 must have been the worst year of my life.
I'd fallen for 2 guys during that year which redefined everything about what I want to love, and I became so hypnotized in both cases that I began to destroy my life out of desperation and hurt due to rejection.
I started getting closer and closer to a suicidal level in my life. And when the 2nd boy came into my life, everything turned upside down.
I ended up dropping out of college in September last year, and that didn't go down well with my father.
Along with that, I found we had to move out of our commune, and my dad wanted me to move into his place. FAR away from college. I'm still living in my dad's place now.
By mid October I had totally lost sanity. I found myself one night getting so crazy about this guy, the hopelessness and the constant `within my reach but just too far' friendship we had -- I snapped.
I tried to kill myself by over dosing on every pill I could find, and cutting my wrists. Luckily, this boy, and his friends, found me and rushed me to hospital, and what followed was the worst night in my entire life.
After that experience I was at my low point. I was nothing, I had nothing, I was dead to myself.
I moved back home to my mom in Danielskuil, and started my recovery process. By my 20th birthday I was still struggling, and still very depressed. But soon afterwards things started looking up, and by December I'd come a long way.
I've since then been going from strength to strength, with the odd hard times still here and there, but generally my life has been really great. It took a long time to get that boy out of my life, but it worked.
After he stole from me that is! Some lessons are hard learned. I've learnt a lot in my time of absence. I've also changed a lot, and my new personality will reflect in the chapters that follow. Half of Chapter 6 was completed a long time ago, so my new personality won't shine through in it really.
But in the following chapters after this one, you'll see a change.
The most important thing I would like to tell you guys about is trust. Be sure of the level of trust you give someone. People can change. And you must always re-assess that level of trust. It's always hard to tell what someone will be like before you even know them, but I ask of you today, to be wise.
Many people in this world are users. They use people to their personal gain. And someone like me is so easily besotted with someone, that I become blind to their true intentions.
The other thing is depression. After having been through such a low, and almost dying, I've come to realize a lot. It's important to know what depression is, and what the signs are.
It's even more important to TELL someone. Get help. The world cares about you, but you have to let them in!
I've also learned that sometimes letting go, no matter how hard it is, is sometimes better than holding on. Holding on to something can kill you if it isn't going to come back to you. If you're holding on to something which depresses you, it's not worth it.
Where I am now... I went back to college, starting my 2nd year from scratch, and working on my life. I'm trying to be as happy as I can be, and I feel like a normal person again.
In general life has become much better. I cut out as much of the negative things as I can, and it's going allright. It's not always smooth sailing, but in gradual steps things are always getting better.
I think Jay to Jay will see an end in a few chapters time. I don't know when or how, and perhaps I will continue for a long time yet. But I've decided this story needs an ending before I can't give it an end anymore.
Fear not, there's still lots to come. I've got some rough planning on what to bring in future and it will help me a lot in carrying on with the story.
If anyone would like to chat to me, you should download mirc from www.mirc.com and join the ZAnet server ( zanet.org)
If you already know how IRC works, servers you can try is atlantis.zanet.org.za or belus.zanet.org.za or apophis.zanet.org.za
I'm on a chatroom called #gayyouth -- and I call all of you to drop in to http://gayyouth.worldoftrance.net/ - my chatroom's website. I will start publishing Jay to Jay on that website as well, but I will continue to submit it to nifty at the same time.
Ok now that I've promoted the website, and babbled on for far too long, it's good to be back and I hope you guys enjoy what's in store!
I needed to know where the fuck that asshole was, the way I
felt right there and then I was ready to do anything, find any way I could to
end his life! The rage inside of me
flared really quickly and
"B... B... Ben is at home. He's just there..."
Daryl was also crying, a lot more, and Michael took the initiative to hold Daryl for comfort, although Daryl seemed to feel none, he still clinged to Michael as if though Ben were right there ready to take him away again.
I couldn't hold it in anymore, seeing Daryl like that... "If I EVER find that FUCKEN ASSHOLE, I SWEAR I'm going to KILL him!!! I'll... I'll... I'll get someone to kill him, I'll fuck him up, I'll-"
"Jay please! I can't tell anyone about this, he's going to get married, they'll take me away and put me with strangers, I can't leave my life behind! I have my sister, I have people I care about, and they won't believe me if I said it's Ben. Please Jay just let it go, I'm sure it's over now, he hasn't done it in 2 months now, I think it's stopped..."
Reluctantly I let go, but
We all just sat around for a while in silence, contemplating things, when finally I decided I needed fresh air.
As I walked out into the cool night air, I realized that the only thing that really made the air seem fresh was the cool feeling about it. This is what I hated about living in the city. There really isn't much of REAL fresh air, not like where I grew up.
I spaced out, probably because I didn't really know how I was supposed to deal with something like this. The thoughts about the fresh air from my home town triggered something I can honestly say I haven't thought about in a while. My friends that remained behind. Johan and Ceciel. I know that if I tried to contact Johan now, he would hate me.
It's been such a long time and I've been so caught up with my own life, I didn't spare enough thoughts for him. I decided to forget it for now, it was also too hard to think about.
Next thing I knew I snapped out of this white trance, and
"They've gone back inside and they're watching t.v. Didn't you see them leave?"
"Uh. Uhm. I was kinda out of it right now, I didn't know. Why didn't you go with them?"
"Thought you could use a boyfriend, hehe!"
*MWAH* "You're too sweet for me you know that? I'm just TOO lucky!"
"Uh uh, I think it's the OTHER way round... Where did I find a guy like you?"
"Actually, I found you... A stray boy!"
"Kinky kinky Jasey!"
"Yeah you would know!"
We giggled senselessly with the odd `inappropriate slap' but the laughs died down and we both started going quiet...
Some day soon we've gotta go back, I need to show you my home. I need to take you out to my secret places... Far out with the gravel roads where the silence sounds like a song..."
I kinda trailed off after that, I was becoming emotional. The memories were coming to life and I kind of missed them.
*sigh* "I miss some of those days..."
"I know you do
Just because you are making new friends and making new SPECIAL memories with them doesn't mean that you are any less of a friend to your old friends, and it doesn't make the past times not good. They're a treasure in your heart."
"You're a treasure in my heart
"And you complete me
"I love you
"I love YOU
A tear of joy, of being overwhelmed with emotion rolled down my cheek as a deeply emotional kiss lingered between us.
This was my guardian angel, the boy of my dreams, my entire world revolved around his and his revolved around mine.
There is no greater feeling...
OH COME ON YOU GUYS! SMILE for me. No no wait. CRY. Crying is good, it means my words meant something. My thoughts meant something. No wait, I have a better idea, start crying but smile while you're at it.
I mean after all we know what happens after a deeply loving emotional kiss happens.
*donk* "whoops, OOH!"
(no no, we're not having amazing kinky sex for the first time, sheesh you have dirty minds!)
It just so turns out that after every special moment, you're two weird friends full of surprises will be trying to sneak up and give you a fright but trip over each other, come crashing down, oh oh, and give ME a SHRIEK FRIGHT!
This often leads to terrible bouts of laughter as my truly surprised shrieks are hardly as manly as I wish them to be.
This causes a chemical reaction within me that makes me blush and try and make useless wise-crack bitch-remarks which go totally un-ignored -- instead they just fuel my embarrassment!
I couldn't take it anymore, I HAD to do something.
In the time it took Mikey and
Daryl to recover from their laughing and
My plan proved most successful and I was safe from them.
After having our snacks we decided we'd camp out in the t.v room for the night.
I sent Daryl off to the master bedroom's shower,
and Mikey to the private shower in my bedroom, while
The next step was organizing the bedding and all the other good things such as pillows and no, not kinky toys, we're not like you! *hehe*
When the other two finished showering and doing all their
I will never forget how cute we both were, or rather, how stupid we both were -- too shy to get naked together, not really knowing how we should act around the other.
Every time we showered now it was an affirmation of our love for each other in a physical appreciation. When we wash each other with soap, the delicate sliding of our soapy hands on the other's sleek body. The looks in each other's eyes -- often with a little bit of lust.
It's not only the sexual teasing that the shower brings, but also the emotional connection, the little things. The small gestures, innocent gestures which just says `I love you'.
I enjoyed the shower, and often afterwards, depending on how the shower ends, we would really affirm our love for each other, or get into some really silly teasing fun and games.
Like brushing your teeth and suddenly feeling a slap on your butt from your boyfriend's over-excited hands!
We still reveled in this experience, but we didn't LINGER in it as long as usual, knowing we had our friends to entertain.
While we had been gone, Daryl and Mikey had been talking. We caught the jist of their conversation, basically Mikey had connected with Daryl enough to call him a good enough friend that deserves his protection.
Turns out Mikey would go to great
lengths for those he cared about, and Daryl would be his priority.
I liked Mikey.
He was not only amazingly beautiful, but he
had this aura around him. He was a
friend you wanted, you felt you needed.
The strangest thing about our night had been that it was all innocent. I know I'm not totally innocent anymore, I do drink. I've even done pot once or twice in my life. But it didn't even occur to us this night -- perhaps the last time in my life a `night together' wouldn't involve alcohol or anything else.
As we all got onto the mattresses in the tv room,
We mostly talked about how we were going to change the future, get rid of Ben, and find other guys that get raped, and care for them. We were in the moment, and we felt strongly about the issue.
We drifted into different topics, life, school, just about anything, including being gay. To us it was normal. It was no longer something different to be gay, even though we still hid it most of the time. We'd come to terms with the lifestyle and would now plan our lives from this point on.
Eventually we drifted off to sleep, and by morning I was
tightly cuddled to
After our wake up session
I turned to
I opened up the text message from my mom and it was a lot of misspelt words, basically she was trying to say `hi j I am lots wine will home tomrr'.
My mom was making me prouder every day! I knew of course it was her friend's influence, I've visited them with my mom before and the lady is really into her wine going down fast... I wondered what time she'd be home but figured she'd have breakfast there first.
The smell of food was definitely strong, especially the bacon and it wafted into the tv room where Daryl and Mikey were being lured to the kitchen by this oh so holy part of the male species life.
Daryl seemed normal, obviously sort of being a normal person but not badly so. Although he looked cute with his messy hair.
Mikey on the other hand seemed peeved. Definitely NOT a morning person. His green eyes had gone a sort of grey green almost as if they were threatening to turn black. But he was quiet. I found out what they liked and gave Daryl a glass of OJ and Mikey a glass of warm milk to at least get them a little going.
By the time we'd started to eat breakfast we were up talking
again. Well I was listening.
Daryl was less talkative adding input where
he could but Mikey and
I had just finished my last bite when my mobile rang... It was IJ, I never replied her messages -- she's been nagging me WHERE AM I...
"Yo IJ whats up?"
IJ: "Hey doodie al fayhed or whatever! WHERE are you?"
Me: "I'm home. With
IJ: "I'm crushed, I thought I was your friend!!!"
Me: "Bleh. What-EVER! *giggle* So what's up?"
IJ: "Well, was just wondering... Don't you guys wanna go out and do something I mean we been stuck at home for so long and stuff."
Me: "Yeah sure. What do you wanna do? OHHH I have an IDEA! How about we go to B|TCH? They have a foam party going on tonight!
IJ: "Sounds kewl bud, can I drop by later?"
Me: "Be here at 2pm, see ya then bye!"
IJ: "Cherry bye!"
I turned around with this slightly evil smirk on my face and winked at both Mikey and Daryl. So have either of you two ladies ever been to a gay club?
Daryl and Mikey were both gay-club virgins but their reactions were different. Daryl was nervous. Mikey was waaay interested! I was also on my first time so I understood how he felt.
The rest of the day until 2pm was pretty much video games and some chill talk between us.
IJ as always was happy to see me, but when she saw Mikey and Daryl she didn't quite know how to react.
That was consequently followed by a punch in the shoulder from either side and odd smirks from all of us.
To cut a long story short we spent the rest of our boring day getting to know each other better, and watching IJ's jaw drop from the realization of just how ANYONE around you could be gay. She was kinda starting to worry I guess, hehe.
I decided to call up Aimee and Gwen aswell and notify them of our B|TCH plans for the night, and then we started the `clothing fuss'. Well. Justin and Daryll kinda started it. I got dragged into it. Mikey... well... he yanked on a different pair of very baggy cargo pants full of pockets, attached his trademark chain on the right side of the belt, and settled for a baggy shirt with a football sweater, and his cap -- in some un-coordinated direction.
The rest of us were rambling through my cupboards throwing out both Justin and my own clothing everywhere looking for `just the right' thing, and then `just the right other thing' which is supposed to match `just the right' thing which resulted in several changing and switching and the occasional tug war but hey we finally managed to settle for something we all liked.
Then we decided to `fashion show' IJ and Mikey.
Their responses were... well... contrasting:
IJ: WOOOOOOHOOOOOOO hotstuff *meouw!!!* u hot thangz! Come ova here sexies u goin home with MEEE tonyt yeah!
Mikey: *Psshhhht* Sergeant. We have a code red. I repeat. We have a code red. Bring out the nudist-enforcement-brigade.
I can't figure out whether he wanted all of us naked. Or whether he didn't like our clothes. He looked at all of us, sorta looking us up and down like the teachers do in school -- and when he got to me I could have sworn he had locked eye contact with me for a split second -- having a lost look in his eyes -- before looking over Justin.
From that moment on I began to feel something weird. I knew that there was something about Mikey that made us connected. This was going to be a good friendship. I think. I couldn't quite figure out what that stare was. Why did I feel lost. Why am I sure he looked lost?
We put our days crap aside and headed for B|TCH -- and it was great we danced for a while, and eventually got tired and went on the balcony for a break. And so we alternated between dancing and resting, after about the 3rd time I just slumped down and decided there I was staying and that's that. Justin got up, gave me a passionate kiss on the lips, and dragged Daryl back to the dancefloor with him. Actually I don't really know who was dragging who. They have endless energy.
Mikey seemed like he could have endless energy but wasn't always in the mood to spend it. Whether he was tired, bored, or just staying with me so I wouldn't be alone I don't know. But it was just us.
The moment I found the two of us being alone again I suddenly remembered our `awkward' moment from earlier and I froze over. At that moment Mikey shifted uncomfortably, and I guess we both shrugged it off and tried to speak at the same time. After arguing about who should talk first we started getting into weird topics.
Stuff I never get to talk about. The universe, how did it come into existence? What is an atom? Is there something smaller? We wandered on these kinds of topics for about an hour until Justin and Daryl half crippled slagged towards the table begging me to go home.
Sunday morning my mom took the round trips dropping everyone off at home, Daryl in Blairgowrie, and Mikey off in Wendywood, and finally, IJ off in Mellville as we all headed back home.
It had been a fast paced weekend where a lot of things had changed in our lives. However things were going great, it was great to see everything coming together. Gradually we were all beginning to figure out where we were.
Daryl had been a major knock for all of us. A very good friend -- but with a looming past which scared us all in a weird way. We didn't know what to do about Ben. We didn't know what we could do. And we all hoped that it would never happen again.
Even so, we all definitely believed him. And vowed we would protect him. He was to call us whenever something would happen again. But I know, when we made him promise us that, that we were being a bit too hopeful. I can't imagine what it must be like for Daryl to go through that all. Telling us about it? I don't know how it happened. Yet I get the feeling it won't be so easy for him to tell us about it again.
Michael had been a different story. Justin had told me some sort of roughly put together story that Michael has had a difficult life himself but as I say -- it was a rough story -- I think Justin didn't quite remember or listen. Somehow even though they're both gay, and very talkative about deep things, I don't think they do that with each other. They seem to be total regular straight guys around each other.
I had a lot of questions about Mikey. The more I actually did manage to talk the more I realized he was an ice berg and only letting us see the tip. Yet -- he was so `in depth' about the things we talked about -- he was good at fooling you into thinking he'd told you everything inside of him.
But there was more. A lot more. Who was Mikey? What happened in his mind? On the surface he was a cool guy with a smooth attitude, and a `ghetto' way about him. Chains, skateboards, caps, knives, these were his types of things. You know the type of guy I'm talking about. The type nobody generally messes with, but definitely not loved by the `popular' group in school. And yet even just by knowing us and being friends with us, it was clear that this boy had many dimensions to him that we couldn't always quite put our finger on.
Justin has been growing from strength to strength. He fit into my life so perfectly. Everyone loved him, and he always made a good impression. He was the perfect boyfriend.
The only thing that worried me about Justin on a continuous basis is his mother. We're living in a small world and it must be hard to go out to a mall and worrying about running into the family that rejected you because you loved someone they didn't approve of in that nature.
And the truth of the matter is we often go places where Justin and his mom have been before -- those memories linger there.
But all in all we're doing well. Very well. We're in a happy point and nothing seems to make it unhappy.
My mother is doing well, working hard to take care of us all, but no less loving to any of us for it.
My dad and I keep in touch over email. He doesn't know about Justin. I don't think he ever will.
That's where we're all standing right now in our lives. Just small little things fill up big days, and big things fill up small days, and small holes get filled by big stories, and I guess I better stop this before I say something I regret!
Over the course of the first term, all went well in my life. The holiday was drawing ever nearer, and both Justin and myself started getting ready for tests.
The social life got toned down a bit, as Justin forced me to study. I've always been a procrastinator of note. And having Justin to push me was a really annoying, yet good thing.
It was midway during our test times when my mom picked us up from school one day, and had an odd expression on her face.
With an enquiring look I got in the front seat with my mom, as we headed to pick up Jamie from school.
"Mom. What's up? You seem different?"
"Is it that obvious?" "tee hee hee"
"Ok ok grumble mouth, relax, I've got big news, but I'll tell you all as soon as I've picked up Jamie."
"Oh hold yourself in Jason, really!"
With that I had my sort of sour face as we drove to Jamie's
Ok ok I know I'm being over dramatic, I just don't like waiting for stuff. Actually I'm just stressed, these tests and things, it's the first time since I've been in college, and I have no idea what to expect from it.
Justin was chirpy and happy, and telling my mom about his day, while I strained to listen to the radio.
We arrived at
Jamie. Was. Forever. Taking his FRIGGEN TIME! FIIIIINALLY he arrived and I tried to hide my frustration yet I was relieved.
After the usual hello's and how was your days, mom was already driving. I didn't even notice she wasn't going her usual route, I was too annoyed.
"Ok mom so what's the news?"
"WTF!?!? You SAID when we picked up JAMIE!"
"Jason. Cool it and have a little patience!"
Before I really got a decent word in my mom (untrue to her usual self) cranked up the volume that suddenly I was inaudible to everyone in the car.
After a couple of minutes we stopped outside of a house. My mom got out and motioned for all of us to get out as well. We walked to the gate of the house and my mom said:
"So boys. What do you think of our new home?"
I was a little surprised. Ok very. NEW HOME?!
"Um. Why mom?"
"Well, I've decided to move into a different house, I like the location, and we're going to develop the other property to make more money off it. At the same time, this house is just lovely. There's some changes I want to make, but that will be done after a few months once the money starts rolling in."
"Ok, mom, so when we moving?"
"A few days after you finish college this term, we'll move and then we're going to Danielskuil for 2 weeks."
After that we headed on home to go on with another exciting day of studying.
Now in case you're wondering, Danielskuil is where I grew up, and where my other friends still lived and were in high school. It's a tiny little town very far away from civilization.
Now to fast track, tests went on (and on and on and on and on) as usual.
After tests the holidays began, and we had 3 days of hectic packing, and we moved into our new home in Parkmore, Sandton. We lived closer to Mikey now, and it was quite a nice house.
It had a pool in the back, and a bit of a weird design, being an old house that was modernized, so originally not having been designed to be the size that it was, the design was a bit `unusual' but it still looked VERY nice.
My room was right on the other end of the house, with large windows on two sides, as well as my own private exit to the backyard where there was a pool. The yard was considerably smaller than our previous home, but the house itself was a lot more luxurious and I know we were also keeping the old house anyway.
My room had a very nice design and the best part was the isolation from the rest of the house. The entrance to my room was through the kitchen. Some furniture had to go into storage, such as the lounge suite, as the house still needed to be changed a bit due to the design.
It wasn't all good. In the other house I had my own private bathroom. Although that house didn't have a family bathroom and during `visits' of guests my room had to stay open for guests to access the bathroom. Now at least that inconvenience was done away with.
Other than that, I couldn't really fault the house. It really was a nice design and I loved everything about it.
After unpacking and getting everything in place, we had another 4 days before we'd depart for Danielskuil.
It was now Saturday, and we were planning to leave on Tuesday. We decided to hang out at Northgate Mall and go ice skating for the day, and so we all went off, all my friends, as well as my mom, Jamie, and a mate of his.
Needless to say, I'm useless on ice. Let's not think too much about that.
At least I had a good time. We went to have lunch at the Mugg & Bean café in the mall, and after that we decided to walk around a bit.
We bought a few small items, not too much, until my mom dragged us to an outside area to have a cigarette.
As we got outside, Justin and myself walking in front, both looking backwards to my mom as she was cracking one of her... erm... "good" jokes, and AS we look forward again we both walked SMACK into a woman and a teenage girl.
At instinct we apologized as we tried to regain our balance, and look at the people we'd walked into.
When we finally were able to `assess' what we'd done, and apologize properly to the woman and girl we'd walked into, we both went a pale white in our faces...
It can't be... them?
Sorry guys, that's it for now! You have to wait till Chapter 7 to see what's coming next. Hope you enjoyed this chapter, and also the revival of the Jay to Jay series (FINALLY) J
Feedback is welcome @ firstname.lastname@example.org