Jay to Jay 7

Chapter 7

Preface:

Hey everyone!!! Here is yet another chapter. And it's not a year later! Haha!

I hope that it will be worth it. As usual I have a preface in which I get to ramble on about something silly or something important. And always expand uselessly about myself.

Things are going great for me for once. I will admit I had a little rough time when my boyfriend and I broke up -- but a week later we were back together finally sorting out problems that had built up progressively and just never were figured out.

I am afraid that it's not the perfect relationship like Jason and Justin's is. Not that there's something wrong with it. But, something I had feared a lot growing up had come true. Love, and loss of it, had changed me a lot. Yet I don't feel it a bad thing.

Since I've been with my boyfriend, one of the biggest issues I had was falling in love. I just can't seem to do it. What I've figured out though is not that I cannot love. But that it will take time, and experiences to grow love. It's a seed that needs to grow.

That is why it's good. I know that the day I can finally say I love you with passion and true meaning -- I know it is something he can carry with love in his heart. It's something we both need to work for, and live for.

In the meantime I am just continuing with life as it is, college and such. Been some tough times, but in general life is going great. I think I've always got an underlying anxiety. The wheel always turns doesn't it?

But I am enjoying this moment to the fullest!

It's not all sunshine and roses. I still see a psychologist. My depression is over, things are great, and I'm dealing with life well. It's just a back-up call I guess, to make sure I stay on the right track. But something is still wrong. College.

In two or three chapters time we will know whether my problems are my own laziness and stupidity, or whether it's something more serious. I will explain when I know I have something to explain.

But if there's anyone out there in my shoes or worse. You're stuck, you're trying but you just can't seem to get yourself together. And slowly but surely you're slipping, you're throwing countless amounts of money and effort away into nothing because you can't pull your act together. I know how you feel. And I know it's not all your fault.

For some of you it might be who knows? But I know that sometimes it just happens.

Another thing I want to highlight yet again is to peeps out there going through a rough time. Whether you're a teen or an adult it doesn't matter. Sometimes it really helps to have someone to lean on -- and I don't think anyone should ever hold back on that.

There's a lot of things going on in my mind. I have an every busy mind. Like right now I should be sleeping but all I could think of is this story and I wanted to finish the last bit. During most days I think about my life, my past life, and where I'm going.

It is sad that I always carry a little bit of every past with me. Paging through my diary is often difficult -- because the memories in there are still vivid in my mind. Some day I might be able to talk about the people that caused the biggest fall, and the biggest change in my life -- Nick and Tallon.

I learnt hard lessons through them, and in a way I'm thankful for that. Other times I guess I just wonder if they're okay, and whether they'll ever change.

Anyway.

That's my thoughts, I have nothing earth shattering to tell. Except one thing that I will maybe expand on later. Love is so confusing.

I can barely say it nowadays.

This morning I woke up to a text message from a long distance friend. Her soul mate as she had described him to me -- left her. He is in love with someone else.

Can you imagine being the `anti-love' type person and one day someone sweeps you off your feet and you are CONVINCED it's your soul mate. And one day -- they in love with someone else?

It's probably one of the worst feelings in the world. A feeling like that to me is like being a light bulb being shattered against a concrete wall at 1000 miles an hour speed... And your heart is that light bulb. I think I've described that feeling in Jay to Jay -- and I've felt it many times in my life.

This friend of mine, I'm a bad friend to her. But I am thinking of her. For those Christian readers out there, pass on a prayer to my friend SSFF. The man whom had stolen her heart, converted her into a Christian, and changed her life -- has left her deserted and alone. Please pray for her.

As individuals I think we should all take time to appreciate the good things in our lives -- but more importantly -- spare a thought for those out there who do not have what we do. Materialistically -- and in love. Those who grow up without families, without food. Those mothers who fight day in and day out and destroy themselves so that they can keep their children alive.

I am on a constant guilt trip about what I have and others don't. The least we can do is spare a few moments of our lives, to think about them.

Life is about so much more than ourselves...

Without further delay, here it is:

Chapter 7 - The table always turns

It took us a few moments to properly regain ourselves after seeing them. We were both afraid, Justin actually terrified about what he saw in front of him. I think he'd been dreading this since the day we got back to Joburg, and I don't think either of us were ready for this confrontation.

In front of our eyes, stood Justin's mother and sister, both of us fearing the dagger-like words that would hit us soon.

But Justin's sister just stared. A blank, almost poetically sad face, but no reaction. Justin's mother looked much the same, except her expression didn't last that long. It was but a few seconds before a tear... and then another tear... and another started rolling down her cheeks. She was obviously too shocked to really react at all.

It was then I realized they must have been dreading this confrontation as much as we were. Neither of them would really have known what to do, much as we didn't. Yet, both groups had expectations over what would happen.

We expected a repeat of the last confrontation. Fierce anger, harsh words. They expected the same from us. Hatred, sharp words, rejection of their existence. It seems almost strange that they would expect that... except... in the time Justin had literally disappeared from their lives, they began to feel the emptiness.

Justin also felt an emptiness, but rarely had time to acknowledge it. And he had us to substitute for it. All they had were each other.

Justin's mom was sad, to her innermost insides she was dark with sadness. She couldn't fathom the reality which was hitting her now.

She looked at Justin, tears streaming down her face ruining her makeup. As normal and insignificant as it seemed, this whole scene felt like a painting unfolding before our eyes. She looked at him for a moment, and in a barely audible tone muttered "I'm sorry" and immediately rushed and embraced Justin so tightly it's almost as if she was physically trying to force his being into the empty space she'd forced in her heart after she rejected him.

Justin was frozen. For a short while he was grappling with the situation unfolding around him. He was grappling with the reversal of his rejection. Allison, my mom, Jamie even, and myself, all in shock as we stared. Allison was crying, my mom was wiping away tears, and I was invisible even to myself. I just couldn't make sense of it. This woman, whom I thought I hated somewhere in myself, tightly embracing my boyfriend, her son.

After a few moments Justin let go of the fear and caved in, hugging his mom back, and the floodgates just opened. Justin was in tears, hugging back tightly and feeling the sudden rush of all those pent up emotions hit him all at once.

They stood like that for a while, as we all looked on, and tried to make sense. I was battling with the scene in front of me. I was battling to forgive her. Yet I was happy Justin had his mom back. At least, I hope he got her back. Where to from here? What will happen next in their lives?

Eventually my mom decided this was dragging on a little too long, and she spoke up, croaking out a hello, and repeating it more clearly the 2^nd time.

Justin and his mom released their embraces and Justin's mom apologised and greeted my mother faint-heartedly. Somehow her heart was so scared that if she let go of Justin now, it would all be a dream and he'd slip away.

But it wasn't a dream. He was there. He hugged her back.

My mom suggested the 3 of them, Justin, Allison and his mom, go have a drink or two somewhere and patch things up so we could give them space...

They agreed, drying up their tears and half awkwardly left us. Justin's mom left a second brief apology as they left, my mom just smiling and assuring her things will be okay, and that they'll talk later.

When they were gone I looked at my mom in a confused expression. WHAT JUST HAPPENED THERE?!?!?

"Jase boy, don't worry. She isn't going to hurt him. I know that look on a mother's face. I think this time Justin has spent with us, and out of her life, has left a deep void in her. Can you imagine what I would have done if you ran away when you came out to me? She missed him. She loves him."

"But if she loves him so much, why did she do that to him when we were on holiday. Why did she reject him?!"

I knew the answer. But I didn't think of wise things. Instead I felt ignorant because all I could think of was how hurt Justin was. Everything my mom told me, I KNEW. But my mood took over my better judgement.

"JJ, listen. What Justin's mom did was wrong. But it knocked her hard. She didn't know how to deal with him. And I bet Melissa not being a real relative in that family, probably did a good job of making it worse. The point is that she realized what she lost. Even mothers make mistakes and learn hard lessons."

I knew my mom was right. I wanted to ask why Justin's mom never contacted him, but then I just realized she was as scared of us as we were of them. She knew the damage she'd caused. Fear of rejection is a bitch I tell you.

But thinking of it -- sometimes it's a good thing that life happens the way it does. Maybe they needed all this time of pain, and hurt, apart from each other to realize just how valuable they are to each other as a person, rather than what they represent or stand for.

Maybe this time apart was what Justin's mom needed to see that being gay doesn't make him dead to her life. She can still have him. It's an adjustment. But not the end.

Justin learnt that nothing can ever replace family. Especially when he's already lost his dad. It's just his mother and his sister now. Surviving without them was possible. Justin now knew he could carve his own life in a world that is often still very anti-gay.

Justin knows he isn't alone.

But the most important thing about being apart. You realize how much you love someone. How much you need someone in your life. How much they REALLY mean to you.

I kept wondering what happened to Melissa. I still hated her. I still feel like she caused this all to happen in the first place.

This all got me thinking about my life as well. I was lucky to have the mother I did. She was accepting of me as I am. I could be myself around her. Sure my coming out to her wasn't all smooth sailing either. But the reasons of hardship were all based around love. And fear.

My mom was more afraid of how people would hurt me for who I am, rather than pissed that she wouldn't have little Jason's some day.

3 days of fighting. But decades of happiness to come. It's a great deal I think. Even Justin's time apart from his mom, is a small trade off for the good things that can still come.

It's not about how much time you spend together, but rather about how much love you can share.

If you spend your whole life hating your father or the other way round, and only 1 day or even 1 hour in your life, making up for all that lost time by showing in one small way that you really love them, then that lifetime of pain was worth the price.

I guess I'm thinking too much, perhaps reflecting too much. I just hope Justin's ok.

I don't think his mother will hurt him. But I know that this is a lot for everyone to swallow. And I don't know how it will change the future. I think that is what I was most afraid of. How this new change in our lives will affect the future.

Change is good. Yet unpredictability is always scary for me. Perhaps the number 1 reason why I'm so afraid of my own father. It's not that I think he'll ever hurt me intentionally. He won't hurt me physically.

Emotionally who knows what he'll do to me if he finds out I'm gay. But the very fact that I can never predict my father's actions nor reactions makes being around him a constant gamble. It's intimidating.

Suddenly life seemed intimidating in that way too...

Justin's mom spent a lot of time with her two children. She talked about her feelings. How she felt ashamed to have done what she did, and that she'd felt an incredible void without him.

Furthermore, she stressed how important it was for them to be together as one family, to represent her late husband, and their late father's legacy, to be a proud family together, and to love each other.

Perhaps the most important words she uttered to Justin was this: "I know your father is watching over our family. He loves you. No matter what you are. If only he was here to have made me understand that sooner. We all love you Justin, just the way you are, no matter what that may be."

Allison told Justin how empty she'd felt. How the disappearance of him from their home has left a dark cloud in their lives. Justin was the light in the house. Without him things couldn't live anymore.

Justin was crying a lot, but as his family expressed their unconditional love to him, he also tried his best to make it easier on them. My mom often told him that rejection, especially about being gay, comes from a fear, and from not understanding what it really is.

Justin's mother rejected him at first, because all she knew about being gay was what society told her. Few people truly understand what life can be, even if you're gay. Few people understand that being gay is not as big a deal as they think it is.

Justin was still Justin. Except he wasn't dating Melissa. He was dating Jason. And they understood.

They admitted it would take a while to get used to the idea. But his mother promised that they were willing to learn, and adjust.

Justin also asked about Melissa. His mom told Justin how Melissa had continued to try to destroy Justin's image. What Melissa didn't count on was the emptiness that would sink in once Justin's family were back home -- without him.

Melissa was lashing out because she was rejected. But her lashing out drove Allison so mad that she literally threw Melissa out the house. A month later Melissa landed up in a psychiatric hospital and was being treated for depression. She'd had a breakdown not long after the incident with Allison, her extreme anger made her past hit her like an atomic bomb explosion.

Things she'd suppressed so long that she didn't even know it anymore broke her down in one single instant.

She was getting better, and Allison visited her sometimes. She'd been raped by her uncle when she was 7 years old. He'd since died in a car crash 4 years later, but the events were always locked away inside.

It was a joke that a friend made about paedophiles that cracked her, and landed her in hospital. It was also why she took the rejection from Justin so hard. And reacted so violently about it.

Justin felt very sad for Melissa. He still loved her. Not like a lover, but like a friend. He'd been suppressing that love for a while. But hearing the pain she'd had to go through, he now realized that he still cared for her. It wasn't either of their faults.

After discussing these things Justin's mother asked whether he'd come back home. Justin said that he wanted to spend time with them, but he was scared. He'd discuss it with me first. And perhaps just see how things go before he makes a definite decision.

It wasn't what Justin's mom hoped for, but it was enough. She'd been given a 2^nd chance to prove to her son she loved him. And she wasn't going to let ANYTHING get in the way of that chance, even if it meant she'd have to compromise.

We all met up again, as it was getting late afternoon, and I was TIRED of walking around. My mom invited Justin's mother over for dinner, and Justin came with us as we went our separate ways.

On the drive back home Justin was quiet for a while, but you could see in his blue eyes he was happy. Still waiting for everything to sink in, but he was happy. After we got home we went to my room to talk about everything, and he told me about Melissa.

I felt bad for her and bad about the things I'd said, but somehow life just works out that way doesn't it?

We had a nap and woke up in time to have a relaxing bath (and and) as well as getting ready for the dinner.

My mom called Justin's mom to explain directions, and finally they arrived and before I really knew it we were all gathered around the kitchen table. We cracked jokes throughout dinner, and made heavy conversation over a glass of wine afterwards. It was time to work on `the future'.

It was time to answer the questions that had been lingering since the confrontation earlier on first sunk in. It was time to figure out where to from here. What would our next few months be like.

We'd eventually agreed that Justin needs to spend quality time with his family. As we were going to leave on holiday soon, my mother suggested Justin spend his holidays at home. Justin could move back home, but stay at either place as he felt was good.

I was still sceptical and before I could stop myself I blurted out: "Well, ok, this is all cool with me except for one thing I don't think I understand. Justin is welcome to stay where he wants when he wants but what happens if I want to stay with Justin and stuff."

Seemed like a simple question. But ultimately, I was challenging Justin's mother's honesty concerning her acceptance of him. After a few moments of silence it hit me that it was a lot to ask of her to try to force everything down on her at once. I'm sure it's been a massive sacrifice for her already to deal with things the way she has.

I began talking as Justin's mother breathed in to respond: "Well ok you don't have to decide now. I guess you have a lot to get used to. I think we should just enjoy the holiday as it is, and spend time getting used to what is. After the holiday I think it's up to you guys to decide what's acceptable or not. Eventually I would like to spend time around your family and be part of it as Justin is part of mine. When you're ready. But it will happen."

Justin's mom agreed, and thanked me for giving her time. She didn't want to lose Justin, but she needed time to get to know him again. A lot has changed.

My mom and Justin's mom went off to my mom's room to discuss some stuff which they felt we didn't need to hear. I think my mom was just sharing her experiences to help Justin's mom along.

The three of us, Justin, Allison and myself, spent time getting to know each other. Me learning who Allison is, Allison learning about her brother's boyfriend, and Justin learning about the changes in Allison's life, and everything coming together.

I was sad to say goodbye to Justin. It would be the first time we'd be apart from each other. Yet I convinced myself we needed this time apart to get to know ourselves again. We were outside Justin's home, my mom and Jamie in the car waiting for me to get in so we could hit the road for the 6 and a half hour drive to Danielskuil.

The usual protective talk erupted. "If you need me, call me ANYTIME" etc.

"Jus, I love you, and thinking of you. I'm going to miss you my angel *kisses*"

"Going to miss you too angel. *Mwah* Love you Jase."

And that was it, I got in the car and waved goodbye as Justin disappeared after we rounded the corner.

After we got out of the city roads I started getting used to being away from him. I got lost in my music and my own thoughts as we headed further and further west. On and on we went, and by 10pm we drove down the lonely old street we lived in. The roads were narrow, a pot hole here and there, and rather dark.

We pulled up to the gate, as Jamie jumped out to open them up, and we pulled up into the driveway. The place was relatively well maintained, we paid people to look after the place. Yet you could sense the emptiness without us living there. It was deserted.

We unlocked the doors, and headed into the house, turning on lights, and trying to make it feel even remotely homely.

It was an old house, with mostly wooden floors. I headed to my room, turned on a heater and got my bed made up, and my clothes into the wardrobes.

We had a cup of coffee, and remembered the memories from living there. I was exhausted from the long drive and the emotions of parting from Justin. I got into bed and called him, he told me how things were all fine, it was sinking in now that he was back home, in his own bed. I kissed him through the phone, and went to sleep.

I had a lot of surprises to pull off tomorrow.

When I woke up the next morning I did the usual get ready type stuff and headed for Johan's house. Memories of walking up the back gravel road towards his house started flooding in.

I walked there so often trying to clear my mind and feel better. I walked there so many times from school and going to Johan's house. Even at night -- when it was pitch black. No lights, just the dark nature around you.

I remembered how scared I was some nights, and how refreshing it was other nights. It was in those times I became connected to nature, to God's world. In those times when I felt I had friends in every bush and every tree. In those times when even the thorns seemed to have a place in the world, a place I wanted to understand.

It was those memories that made living in Joburg so hard. All the noise, cars, concrete and people. It was hard to forget the love I had developed for this world. It was hard to fit into the rat race.

At least I could still visit nature, and visit those feelings of being one with it. Not like I was meditating, but the connection between me and the world around me was comforting. I was troubled so often in those times, and the nature became my friend, listened to me and caught my tears.

I began approaching the large single story house, which I had been to so often. A house that was my home once upon a time when my home was falling apart and their family made me feel part of them.

The perfect family. Now a distant memory and a sad reminder how anything can fall from grace, even the perfect family. A sad dark yet invisible shadow hung over that house.

I had millions of memories in there with Johan, we always had something to do. Those were the good days...

I opened the white iron gate and treaded down onto the pathway, over the little wooden bridge going over the now empty and dry koi pond, and headed for the beautiful front door with eagles engraved in it.

The age old dilemma of `do I knock or just walk in' came to me... Then I remembered Johan's mother no longer lived there. I was always afraid of appearing ill-mannered to her. I also knew it would only be Johan and Elsie -- the domestic -- in there. She'd be in the dining room ironing away clothes, and missing Johan's mom, and Johan would be sprawled out on one of his twin beds with the duvet barely on him, drooling on his pillow in his sleep.

A rush came over me as I slowly pushed the door open, the former entrance to paradise...

It still looked the same. Tidy, fancy, and clean. The t.v. room ahead of me, and the passage to my left, but I peeked to my right through the lounge to see if Elsie was there ironing.

It still looked the same. She was there, ironing. The place looked the same. But it was not right. It was empty. Dark. Like the soul of the home was dying and crying out in agony behind the fa�ade of `it's still all fine.'

I walked over to Elsie smiling and greeting her, doing some small talk, telling her I'm home for a while for holidays, the usual type of thing. She always tells me how she misses Johan's mom. I went down to the passage and to Johan's bedroom.

I loved their house, it was spacious and every brick was laid by Johan's parents themselves. I slowly opened his door and entered the gloomy room, to see Johan laying exactly as I had predicted, with his clothing sprawled all over the floor, and his little rug between his twin beds that nobody ever dared touch.

I smiled... thinking about that rug. Seemingly just a normal little rug. But in Johan's bedroom nothing has an intended purpose. The rug was as tainted as his stained dark blue sheets.

Johan never was much of a worrier about where `it' went. In fact he found a lot of pride and joy into displacing his `potential kids' over his sheets and on the rug, creating his own little dot.cum network hehe.

I opened his CD player and put in one of his old Madonna CD's -- selecting Ray Of Light. I know he used to love it. I cranked up the volume and pushed play... suddenly the music boomed out startling even me a little.

Johan started moving around waking up and I turned down the volume and smiled at him as he looked at me dazed, looking kinda pissed off, and croaking out "Mister J.."

I giggled and jumped on his bed to wake him up properly.

No I didn't give him a blow job don't be silly. Just whacked him with his pillow...

We went to the kitchen and got something to drink and parked on the couches as Johan turned on the tv to Cartoon Network -- not that I was expecting anything else. He was okay, still his usual self to some degree, but also, tainted like his life had become.

A few hours later after eating breakfast and waiting for Johan to get cleaned up and dressed, we hit the road walking to Cecile's house. Of course we were talking about memories. Memories from high school when our friendship was often volatile. Memories of the old group.

Johan and Cecile would come visit us up there eventually. Just not yet. They were in high school and struggling to get through it.

Johan was gay as well. He'd had a crush on a boy in his class for years. And I got the feeling he was making gains on his other friend. Ben was also his age, used to be a major enemy of mine, but was getting to be a majorly hot boy.

As we approached Cecile's front gate, her mother's scruffy dog (looks like a supersized Scottish terrier) was barking acting ready to eat us as usual. We just ignored it, opened the squeaky silver gate and walked down the pathway to the front door.

Yet again a feeling of sadness hovered around. It's similar to Johan. A family that was once close knit -- now all fallen apart. Except -- in Cecile's case, it was almost unnatural. Her father started working in a foreign country, and as time went by, seemed to disappear from the family unit. Cecile's older sister moved out of the home as well, and it was just her and her mother left.

The funny thing about Cecile was she never showed sadness. She was a slim girl, who had her own sense of style, a great personality, but with a distinct quirky edge to her. She loves singing, bouncing, laughing, and telling jokes.

She's like a portable joke-telling-machine. She can out-class all of us ten-fold -- simply because she REMEMBERS every single joke she hears.

Half the mission for me is remembering a joke at all. The other half is telling it and having it still sound funny at the end of the day.

We knocked on the door and out came Cecile...

(in a high pitch) "HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAI!!!!!!!!!!! MISTER JAAAAAY!" and before I could process the high pitched noises I was engulfed in a tight embrace that nobody could ever imagine such fragile arms would muster!

We went inside, Cecile put on Lifehouse, Alanis Morisette, and Henry Ate in the CD player, turned on shuffle, and we settled in the couches. It was catch up time as we renewed the bonds that made our group of friends one of the most powerful groups I've ever known.

There was a magic between us. And a lot of silly jokes. A lot. A lot.

After the tremendously exciting day, of listening to music, watching t.v, etc, I went home. I gave Justin a call immediately and we caught up with all our happenings in our lives.

During most of the holiday we were at Johan's house, trying to enjoy what was left of summer. Most of the time we spent was just chilling. We would arrive, decide to play a bit of pool. Johan them had this cool bar area with a table that you could take off the top and have a pool table. We'd play a bit of pool, then duck for the swimming pool, from there into the Jacuzzi, and then back in the pool, and so we would alternate between the 3. At night we usually walked around town, sometimes hanging out at "Die Lapa" which is an Afrikaans name for "The Lapa".

A lapa is a place with a thatch roof, in this case a pub with a dance floor and so on. It's a really really small town -- so there isn't much place to go.

One day I went to Johan and we took the quad out on a long gravel road. We had this little spot, a few miles out of town, where the gravel road bends and then goes over a few hills. On top of the first hill, the pylons carry power lines directly across the road and down the hill into the distance. There's a few large rocks next to the road, and we'd always stop there to enjoy the nothingness.

Just the way the power lines majestically swoop down the hill, looks fantastic. And then the endless nothing. It's amazing.

You can hear the sizzle of electricity travelling through the lines, but other than that, just nature. No cars. No planes. No mines. Just nature. Birds. Cows in the distance. Maybe a horse.

We went to the rocks and I remembered my last day of high school with IJ, Aimee and Gwen. When we finished school we went and blew cash on tons of ice cream and alcohol. We'd finished a bottle of Apple Sourz on the rock, taking a swig from the bottle, making a toast to our friends, our futures, or whatever, then passing it on, and so the bottle went round and round till it was empty.

I think Aimee has the bottle...

On the rocks were faded attempts of us engraving our names. And underneath one of the rocks a little plastic tape cassette holder lay neatly, packed under some smaller stones. I took it out, and in it were the sweets -- each representing one of us -- in there. The sweets had been eaten out by the ants, but the wrappers were still there as if there were still candy inside them.

I smiled at the momento, showing Johan, and putting it back in it's safe little hidden spot, promising myself to visit this spot every time I came back to DK.

That last day of school I took the 3 girls out here for driving lessons too. The irony is, besides for Aimee -- I'm still the only one with a license. Gwen was next in line, but that day, she nearly slammed IJ and Aimee into the back window of my mom's pick-up a number of times!

Good memories!

Johan and I had used the quad to throw donuts there once. And conveniently given the quad a puncture. We had to take turns with one driving the quad, and the other hanging over the front of the bull-bar of the quad to keep it stable. It was a long long drive home, and walking it was unthinkable.

Luckily by now we'd learnt our lesson and now all we do is make sure we have enough fuel to make it there and back. It was a fantastic experience being out there. Everything was so calm. Life no longer felt so full of issues. Instead, it felt comfortable. This was where to run to. Not far from home, but far enough to forget it.

I was glad. My life was good. I had always been the one at the short end of the stick. My parents divorce, my mother and Jannie, it was a difficult time for me most of my life. They had always been the ones coming out of happy families, close knit homes, etc. What irony to look back several years on -- and see how things have changed. Most unfortunately -- but now I know how thankful I should be about what I DO have in life.

We headed back home as usual.

The times not spent with friends were spent with my mother at home. We watched t.v and visited with my step grand mother over a few glasses of wine. Everything was okay. Actually everything was fine. The holiday was relaxing.

On the other hand I missed Justin terribly, but this time had given him a lot of time to fully adjust to his old life and new life fitting in to it. We phoned each other every night, and often through the day.

I also called Mikey and Daryl, checking if they were okay. Mikey was cool, hanging out with Justin some days, and his old friends other days.

Daryl was drawn into his computer and seeing some friends off the web. I missed them both a lot. Daryl was being a very strong and encouraging person. He has been strong. And safe.

My most important concern was his safety and by the sounds of things actually doing great!

My trip home was amazing. It was the time spent with my old friends. The memories re-lived. It was sad going back. Life has changed everything, but I guess that is what life does. My life was great now, and in a sense we'd left DK and all it's troubles behind.

Yet life hadn't always been bad there either. And as bad as the place is, it's not the fault of nature or the wonderful memories. It's the fault of the people, and people's desires. The deadly sins that cause us to destroy our lives.

Every trip home was a strong reminder of how precious life's good moments are to us. And proof that the wheel always turns. I feel an overwhelming sadness to see what happened to Johan and Cecile's lives, their families, and sometimes even themselves.

All things, events and people in life serve some or other purpose to a greater good. Every good and bad thing that happens to us is for some ultimate greater good -- it's like an endless pyramid that is being built -- and everything we do is such small building blocks in this life that we cannot grasp what we're contributing, nor how we're changing our lives by the smallest things we say and do.

The wheel always turns. It's a reminder to appreciate what we have, because it will not always be there. And life is not about getting that one thing, but rather about a continuous process of gaining and losing and gaining again. It's about experience. It's about a journey of happiness and pain.

Arguably that journey is getting harder for us. Problems that generations before us never had we now contend with. Yet we do not always face the problems they did. It's always a give and take type situation.

This led me to think about what I do have. A relatively happy home, all of my family still alive -- even if not a single unit anymore.

I have a boyfriend and a comfortable home. We have food, transport, and love surrounds us. We have all the `easy' tools to success.

Our lives is like an infomercial. We don't have to fix our woes with an entire `toolbox', we have all the `cool multi purpose' tools right with us. There are people out there, millions, who have no money, no car, barely even a place to sleep!

And yet many of them rise above us. They survive their circumstances and climb to the top so much faster than some of us do. Do we get lazy?

It was this town and the terrible isolation it sometimes forced upon me, that opened up that deep side of me. So much in life we can think about but never do. We're too used to going with the flow.

My mom woke me up the next morning and said Jannie wanted to chat to me online. I was grumpy as hell. I hate being woken up. Five minutes later she was back in my room chasing me to the laptop to type on msn.

JJ: "Hey"

Jannie: "Howzit boykie!"

JJ: "Hi"

Jannie: "Look I don't have a lot of time. You need to go with your mom to Bloemfontein right now and drive back to DK, and then to Jhb, with my car. Look after it I trust you behind the wheel."

Not really making sense of everything I asked my mom wtf was going on. She explained that they had decided to purchase a SUV, and that she was bringing it here, before we go back to Jhb tomorrow.

Jannie really trusted me behind the wheel. Probably more than anyone else, which is why he also asked me to go with and drive his car home.

But who cares about the trust and all that.

WE'RE GETTING A NEW CAR!!!! YAAAAAAAAAAAY!

I was soooooo elated! I loved cars, cars were my life, cars are my life wtf am I saying!

With that I bathed, got dressed, and we drove through to Bloemfontein which was a 3 and a half hour drive I think. I hadn't been out this way in years. It was actually amazing to see all this and I enjoyed it immensely.

Driving into the city we begun searching for the car dealership, taking countless wrong turn-offs. It seems that Joburg driving has gotten to us, every other damn place in this country just moves TOO slow!

The funny thing about this part (as well as DK and all places around) of South Africa is the stereotypical farmers.

Most either driver a Toyota Hilux or Nissan Patrol `bakkie' known as a pick-up in America. They all wear really short pants, usually in blue or black, or a short khaki pants. Others wear light blue jeans -- and always black jeans if they're going on a night out.

ALL wear khaki shirts. When wearing shorts they have these thick long rugby socks, usually in brown, but sometimes they go for their favourite team's colours.

A day out to a rugby game sees them wearing a representative golf shirt, or an official shirt. They drink beer, eat biltong, and braai wors (barbecue sausage).

A drive in the largest city in central South Africa (still a small city) shows them in their hordes. And their wives. They are all very similar, and it's a cultural thing. Jannie is part of that culture but not majorly.

When we stopped at the car dealership the salesman that came to greet us was dressed quite decently, but I caught a glimpse of the manager through his door and saw him dressed as I had described above. Blue jeans, khaki shirt.

I giggled at myself as I waited for my mom to complete all the paperwork. Then it was time to see the uberly awesome new Pajero. I was so impressed!

I couldn't wait my turn to drive it but I knew my mom just wanted to get home (probably just wanted to drive the Pajero but hey.)

It was Thursday morning, as I started up the fresh smelling Pajero. Carefully manoeuvring out of the driveway I drove to Johan's house. It would take getting used to such a large SUV, but I couldn't wait to be used to it. I picked Johan up and together we fetched Cecile as we headed back to Johan's house. I only had a few minutes to say goodbye.

I hugged and kissed Cecile bye, and told her to look after Johan. I was worried about him. I knew it wouldn't help worrying too much at this stage -- he needed to figure out his life for himself. But I didn't stop caring about him. He was my best friend in the whole world.

I gave Johan a long long hug good-bye, as a tear rolled down my eye. I hadn't cried in a good-bye for ages. I thought I was used to them. But not this time.

I asked him to look after himself. I waved goodbye and told them I loved them... Got in the new car which was all that could comfort my miserable feelings, as I drove back home to get ready for the 7 hour drive to Joburg.

I couldn't wait for them to be near to me.

I love them.

I miss them.

No cliff-hanger this time. But that's it for now guys J

I hope you enjoyed the Chapter. I sometimes feel like I'm not living up to the standards I have set for myself.

For those guys emailing me -- many many great thanks I appreciate it greatly!

Is there anything I used to do in my stories that seems to lack of late? Is there anything I do in my stories that sets it apart and you really like? I would like to know J

I hope you're all taking care and living life to the fullest!

Oh by the way -- you can view our chatroom's website at www.worldoftrance.net/gayyouth - there's a link to the chatroom if you ever want to try your luck to find me -- or chat to my boyfriend or other South African friends in the gay world.

Take care J JayJay