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I woke up when someone knocked on my door.
"What?" I asked, wondering what the hell was going on.
It was still dark outside.
"Time to get busy," Dad said, without opening the door.
Talk about unusual.
It was really unusual for Dad to knock on my door and wake me up. Mom usually opened the door, flipped on the light, and called my name a couple of times, until I groaned or something so she knew I was awake.
I turned on the light by my bed. I saw that I wasn't under any covers, and was in my underwear, and hard as hell, poking up, making a tent.
I saw it was a few minutes later than usual, too. I just knew what had happened. Like it was something I saw on the television. Mom had come to wake me up like normal, and turned on the light with the switch by the door like normal, and saw me on the bed, on my back, uncovered, with a boner sticking up. She turned off the light and closed the door, and went and told my dad.
I felt myself blush like mad.
I didn't know how I was going to face them. I couldn't sneak out and do my chores, then worry about it over breakfast, because Mom would be in the kitchen, and I'd have to go past her. And Dad would be out in the barn, and I'd see him before I was done with chores, way before breakfast.
It was humiliating.
There was nothing to do about it. The best I could hope for was they wouldn't mention it, and we could pretend it had never happened. I got dressed in work clothes, and headed through my still-closed door. Mom was in the kitchen.
"Morning, sunshine," she said, about as normal as ever. "I had your father wake you up this morning. I think he will from now on. You don't need your mother waking you up anymore. You're... too old for that now."
She had barely looked at me. I was at the back door now, and glad to get through it. I didn't know what to say, so I didn't say anything.
I went to the barn and got started. I couldn't stop thinking about my mom seeing my with a boner. It was just humiliating. I knew she was trying to ignore it. I knew I should, and sure wanted to. It was still hard to go back in the house when I was done with the chores, though.
Dad was already there, and breakfast was ready.
"Morning," Dad said, normal as could be.
"Morning," I said back.
"Breakfast is ready, so hurry and shower and get dressed and come back down," Mom said, never looking my way.
I showered, got dressed for school, then went downstairs with my books and the clean gym clothes. Time to face the music. But there wasn't any music. I was embarrassed as hell, but nothing seemed different. Not much, anyway. Mom hardly looked at me, but talked about as normal as ever. Dad, too, but he met my eyes.
Everything seemed perfectly normal. I caught the bus and went to school. I was so dazed by what had happened, and concentrating on that, that when I stepped off the bus, I was slammed by the fact that Mitchell was going to be in homeroom.
I got so nervous I almost couldn't walk! My legs just sort of went all numb. And it was hard to breathe.
Mark and Chris and looked at me and then each other.
Mark asked, "You okay, Jer?"
"Uh, yeah. Just remembered something."
"Something. Forgot something."
"You said you remembered something," Chris said, looking confused.
"I mean, I just remembered that I forgot something. Homework."
I was sweating.
"Oh well, too late now," Mark said with a shrug. "Come on."
I had to walk. I had to act normal. Even if I was a homosexual. Even if Mitchell was going to be in homeroom.
Then I remembered that there was baseball after school. And Mitchell was going to be there too. And Chet and Howie. And other guys. Normal guys.
I barely put one foot in front of the other. I barely kept upright. I walked with them, trying to be normal. But I wasn't normal.
We sat together and they talked. And I sweated.
Then he walked in.
Dark blue shirt, dark blue jeans, hair perfect, nice tan, sandy/dark-brown hair, eyes warm and shining, smiling so hot. Bulge in front of his jeans. He sat down with us. We didn't have to be in our assigned seats in homeroom now, so there was no way to avoid him.
"Hi, Jer. Guys."
They said hi and smiled like normal. I was just barely able to nod at him. I started sweating even more. And shaking.
They talked, laughed, had a good time. I tried to be normal. I tried my best not to look at Mitch. Or hear his warm, slightly deep, sexy voice. Or his incredibly hot laugh.
I was so glad when the bell rang, until I remembered that Mitchell was in my first class. And he walked with me. And then sat next to me.
He talked about baseball and math class. I tried to, and tried to be normal. And never looked at him. I think I did pretty well. Tommy helped by talking to us before class started.
Then it was English Comp. I was so relieved! Terry was a good friend, and it was easier to be normal with him.
Then it was history, with Katy. That was really uncomfortable. She talked to me before class. She was pretty. And very nice. I wished I liked her. I wish I felt for her like I did Mitchell. Until I remembered how it was being near Mitchell. I didn't want to be that nervous around Katy. I wondered if I would be if I liked her that much. I wondered if normal boys got that way around the girls they liked.
Things were smooth again until gym. On the way, I started sweating. I hoped I could change and be in the gym before Mitchell got to the lockers. I ran the entire way. When I got to our lockers, Chris and Mark were both just getting started changing. We said hey, and they talked, and I rushed to change as fast as I could.
Just as I got my shoes tied, Mitchell came in. I was able to be gone before he got his shirt off. I was still breathing hard. The class was so short! In no time, I was at the lockers again, and the four of us were getting undressed.
I struggled, I fought, I resisted. But I looked. Just as he bent over to take his jeans off, facing a little bit away from me. His butt was terrific! So round, so full. And his legs were hot, too. I looked away, already getting hard.
I did what Chet and Howie said to do. I thought about baseball and other things. We showered. I kept my eyes down. We got dressed. I peeked again. His bare butt was just...
He turned around as he put on his shorts. I saw it. Up close. It looked so...
I started getting hard. I got dressed as fast as I could. I kept my eyes in my locker. We went to our next classes.
Again, things went smoother. I kept thinking about Mitch, though. I kept thinking about baseball, or something else.
Then last period. And more Mitch. So handsome. So cute. So hot.
And he walked out of class with me. He was going to baseball, too.
I had been looking forward to baseball all summer long. But now, it meant being around Mitch.
We walked to the gyms and changed into gym clothes. Mitch said we got our uniforms next week. I kept from looking at him. Out in the gym, I was able to get away from Mitch for a while. Chet was there. We acted like we hardly knew each other. We went through exercises, and skills-training, and then the coaches talked to us.
Then it was finally time to go home. Chet walked up to me, smiling.
"So, ready for your ride home?"
I was nearly desperate to get away from Mitchell. We started walking toward the gym to change. Mitchell was there, naked, heading to the showers. His body was so perfect. Muscular and smooth, built and tanned. And the things that dangled between his thighs made the same things on me go tingly and one of them to start getting bigger.
"Uh, no. Will at home."
He shrugged and walked away. My eyes were drawn to his buttocks. They were so... oh, God.
I sat down on the bench and put my face in my hands. There was no way to get away from him. He was everywhere. There was no way to get away from the things he made me feel.
I thought how easy it had seemed to deal with it before. I thought I would just keep it inside and it would be okay. But it wasn't turning out like that. He made me nervous. He made me have to think about what I was. And at school.
It was so hard not to cry. Right there in the locker room, with the rest of the team changing and taking showers. I was such a homosexual. A wimp. Pathetic.
I had to get out of there before I cried. Before Mitchell came back and saw me and it only got worse. I got out of my gym clothes and into my street clothes as fast as I could, then ran out just as Mitchell came around the corner of the lockers.
"Hey, Jer. You leaving already?"
I didn't look back or say anything. I ran out of the locker room and didn't know where to go. I didn't know where Chet's car was. I didn't know if Chet was going to wait for me at the locker room or meet me at his car. I waited around the corner of the hallway, watching. I kept hidden, barely peeking around it, waiting for Chet and hoping Mitchell or someone else didn't see me. Thankfully, Chet came out first. I waved and he walked toward me.
We walked to his car. As soon as we were inside, he asked, "So, I noticed you were acting weird at pracice."
He looked over at me, sort of giving me the eye. I felt like a complete fink.
Am I that transparent? I wondered - no, worried.
"Mitch?" I asked back, as if I didn't know who or what he was talking about.
"Yeah. You said you really liked him. Then today, you stay as far away from him as you can. And if you're not acting dopey, I've never seen anyone act dopey in my life."
I didn't want to talk about it. It was humiliating.
He pulled out of the parking lot.
He laughed a little.
"Did you talk to him?"
He laughed a little again.
"Hard to do?"
It was horribly embarrassing.
"He's really good looking."
"Yeah," I said, almost whispered.
I really didn't want to talk about him. I didn't want to have to deal with how he made me feel. The only thing I could think of to talk about was Howie.
"Home by now. Why?"
"Just wondered," I said with a shrug.
"Don't want to talk about Mitch, huh?"
I looked over at him, wondering if he could read my mind or something.
"It's obvious," he said, smiling at me.
I felt myself blush. I didn't smile.
"Really got it bad for him, huh?"
I didn't answer.
"It's okay if you do. You said you do."
I didn't answer.
I didn't want to talk about him. Chet was starting to make me mad.
"I know how hard it can be."
No he didn't. He couldn't.
"When I first saw Howie, I was so lost. He's so perfect. His hair, his eyes, his skin, how he laughs. And the way his butt looked in those gym shorts. And in the showers, oh, wow."
Maybe he is attractive, but he's no Mitchell, I thought.
"Everything about him was so perfect. Still is. He made me feel so... confused. And it really bothered me how much he... how I felt around him. He made me constantly think how I was a homosexual. I couldn't get away from that when I was around him."
Maybe he did understand.
"It was just so hard to deal with. And how he made me feel! It was so, frightening. Horrifying. Just... so powerful."
Yeah, maybe he did.
"I hated being around him. Not at first. At first I wanted to see him all the time. Talk to him. But then, when I knew what it meant, how I felt about him, then it was just... terrifying. And confusing."
Yeah, he did understand.
"Will you help me?"
I sounded like a small child.
"Yes. Of course I will. I'll help however I can. Just ask."
"I... I don't know."
I felt like a small child, too. I didn't know what to do. Or how he could help.
"I know when I was having that happening, that I wished someone could tell Howie how I felt. Or at least tell me if Howie would like me back. You want me to talk to him? See what your chances are? If he's maybe interested?"
"Yeah. I could have a talk with him during practice tomorrow. Might take a couple of days. Or more. But I could get started."
"Could you? Please?"
"Sure. I'll start tomorrow."
I suddenly felt so much better.
"Holy cow, Chet, thanks!"
"No problem, Jer. I'm glad to help. You know that. With anything I can. All you gotta do is ask. Or let me know. Okay?"
He looked over at me, smiling that nice smile. I wished I had it so bad for him. But I was glad that I didn't, because I didn't want to mess around with what Howie had.
I almost felt like crying with the relief. Chet hadn't done anything, not yet anyway, but just knowing that I had someone to help was a huge relief.
"You're not alone, Jer. Don't forget that."
I had. I was stupid to have forgotten that. I saw how I shouldn't have. I should have talked to him during the day, after knowing how weird I was getting about Mitchell. I'd been really stupid.
"Tomorrow, you try to just talk to Mitchell like one of the guys. That's all he is. Just relax. Don't let it bother you. He can't tell. No one can. Especially if you just go along and let it wash off you. It can't hurt you. It won't control you. Not unless you let it. Understand?"
I nodded. I had to wipe at my eyes. I wasn't really crying, it was just a little. He pulled me over closer to him by grabbing the shoulder of my shirt. I slid across the seat and let him put his arm around me. It felt really nice.
"Don't try to do everything on your own. When you're having some kind of trouble, you let me know. Or Howie. Understand?"
I nodded and sniffled. I rested my head on his shoulder.
He hugged me tighter. We rolled down the road.
I slid across the seat before we got close to my house. When he dropped me off, Chet made me promise to tell him if I had some kind of problem again. I did. He tousled my hair, which he knew I hated, and I sighed and smoothed it down. I grinned, though.
I ate dinner, which was ready and waiting. My parents asked how I liked the team, and how I was going to handle it and the extramural physical activity. I said they didn't conflict much, because most of the kids in the extramural club were also on teams as well.
After dinner, I got into work clothes and did the chores. I couldn't stop thinking about Mitchell. The feelings seemed even stronger today, and I worried they would be even worse tomorrow. And I regretted asking Chet for help. I worried he would spill the beans, and Mitchell would figure it out, and then he'd hate me. At first, I thought that might be good, because then, he wouldn't sit next to me, wouldn't want to talk to me, and I wouldn't have to deal with him all the time. Then I realized he might tell others. And then there was the bad feeling I got when I considered Mitchell not liking me.
It was too confusing and conflicting, too overwhelming, just too much. I ended up wiping at my eyes and praying that Dad didn't come by and see me crying. I got so frustrated that I kicked a bucket across the barn and spooked the animals. That would only bring Dad to see why there were mewling and bellowing. I had to go around and comfort and calm them.
I wanted Mitch to like me, but being his friend was so dangerous and difficult. I felt so trapped.
I did the rest of my chores, had a shower, then dropped onto my bed and kept worrying.
I didn't know what to expect tomorrow. All I could think of to do was what Chet had said: let it wash off me, don't fret over it, just let myself be normal, be relaxed, and keep my thoughts to myself.
I tossed and turned late into the night before I somehow fell asleep.
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