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Dad's talk was so embarrassing! It would have been before, but sitting there having him tell me that stuff after I found out that I liked boys, it was... just humiliating!
I mean, maybe I like girls, too. Both, maybe. But it was just horrible having him talk about that stuff.
When he finally stopped and asked me if I understood, I nodded and just hoped he would go away. But he asked me questions and wouldn't stop. I knew he was trying to do the right thing and all, but it was just the perfectly wrong time!
But, gawd, it finally ended!
I didn't learn anything I didn't know before, except that my dad knew nothing about how to tell me how things really worked.
I was just so glad when he finally patted my back and smiled and left me alone. I needed a bath! I had gotten sweaty on the ride to the first party, then sweated there, then even more when I danced and talked with Katy. Then even more on the way to the second party, and even more at the party. And the most during Dad's talk.
But I needed the bath mostly to wash away the feeling that I was dirty somehow else. I was a homosexual, possibly - probably. I certainly had feelings for boys, even if I had them for Katy, too. I just needed to feel clean. Somehow. But the bath didn't help.
Maybe because I usually did something in the bath that I wasn't in any mood to do right then. I don't have to spell it out for you, do I? But it wasn't going to happen tonight. I was far too worried about what I would think about - or who. I hadn't done it since the thing at the pool. That was longer than ever, since I had found out how to do it.
I went to bed not feeling at all clean. And then I tossed and turned and couldn't sleep.
It seemed like once I did fall asleep that I was woken up right away. It was morning. It was time for the first day of school. That was bad enough all by itself - but now I knew I was possibly a homosexual. And I knew that I would see Chet and Howie there.
I wanted to throw up. I wanted to run away. I wanted to hide. I wanted to be someone else. Anything or anybody but me on the first day of high school and a homosexual.
Mom got mad and had Dad get me out of bed. I got dressed and had breakfast and felt like I was in a nightmare that I couldn't ever escape from.
I walked to the bus stop and met my friends there. I felt like they were going to hate me when they found out what kind of sicko I was. I was so scared.
The bus ride was so long, but when it was over, and I got off the bus, it seemed so short.
I told you Milan is a small town, right? So, every kid I ever knew was going to be inside that school, except ones younger than me. All the guys my age and the ones older than me. Including Chet and Howie, and some of the guys from the poker game! And the high school was huge. Huge! Even kids from the surrounding towns were there. Kids I knew and kids I had never seen before. Mark and Chris were in the same homeroom with me, so that wasn't so bad. Or, it was awful. Both.
I kept praying that I could ignore boys. I prayed that I would see a girl that was as cute as Katy. That I would feel something really strong for her and never think about boys again. But Chris and Mark kept making me think of boys. They were good-looking guys. I liked how they looked, and it was so hard not to think about that. I kept hoping that they were in my gym class. I wanted friends in there anyway, but I really hoped I would finally get to see them naked. Then I would be so mad at myself for thinking and wanting that. They were my friends, and I didn't want to destroy them by spreading my homosexuality to them. I fought down those kinds of thoughts so many times in those few minutes as we talked and waited for high school to start.
My first day was already turning out to be so difficult!
It got so much worse! Just before the bell rang a guy walked in, and as soon as I saw him something inside of me tingled and went berserk. I had been doing my best not to look at the guys and compare them and look at who was cute and stuff. I didn't want to be a homosexual. So I had been doing pretty good. I was talking to Chris and Mark and pretending to be as excited as they were. But then this guy walks in.
First thing was his face. Slightly tanned, not very much. Neatly combed hair that was the perfect shade between blond and light-brown. It was almost a duck-tail, but not quite, and no cream or oil, just clean and neat. His face was almost round, but slightly oval. Perfect eyebrows, arched just perfectly, in that same kind of light-brown and blond shade. And his eyes were the warmest brown I had ever seen. They seemed like chocolate. His lips were deeply red, large and rounded and soft-looking. Not wide, not small, just perfect. He had a kind of smile on them, not a real smile, just a small grin that kept his expression from looking bored. He was probably an inch or two taller than me, probably ten or fifteen or so pounds heavier, and it looked like pure muscle. Not big, bulky muscle, just fit, smooth muscle. The blue shirt showed that off really swell. And he was wearing pleated, tan slacks that he probably should have put away last year and gotten new ones a size larger. I mean, they left almost no room around his thighs and... well, there. He had to have more down there than I did, for sure. And the worst was when he sat down. Almost right in front of me, one aisle to the right. His butt... I mean, those slacks, they just...
I got hard in an instant. My heart thumped and my breath caught and I started sweating and getting these little shakes all over. But, gawd, how hard I got. It was so embarrassing. It was so insane!
He was so cute!
We had to stand up and say our names. Of course. I barely stood up, hoping the desk hid my erection, said my name, and sat back down as quickly as I could. Then I waited.
And the voice of heaven! Low but not deep, and smooth with a little gravel. And I stared as his butt the whole time he stood up and spoke his name. It was...
It was hell. I was in hell. I was being tortured with a vision of homosexual temptation. I was doomed.
Mitchell Thompson was the devil.
I tore my eyes away from him as he sat down and gave up on there being a God. If he existed, he hated me and loved to tease and tempt me.
The teacher called out our names and we had to go up to her desk and take our schedules. My erection went away before my name was called, but only because I got so worried about everyone seeing it. Especially him. When we all had our schedules, Chris and Mark and I compared and we had a few classes together. We were all in gym together.
First was math. And the teacher had us sit where our names were on pieces of paper so that he knew who we were and all that. I wasn't so sure how I was going to like having to move around from room to room all day and probably sit in a different place in every class. I sat down and waited. Tommy Bradshaw came in. I was really glad to have a friend there, but he had to sit almost in front in the first row. I was almost in the back in the next-to-last row. I wished I had bothered to read the names on the desks near mine before I sat down. Mitchell Thompson walked in and sat down next to me. Right next to me. And he looked at me and smiled.
I felt like I was going to throw up! And there were also all these maddening tingles and electric shivers all over me. His eyes were so warm and so wonderful up so close. And his lips and smile!
"Hi. Mitch," he said, nodding at me.
So low, so smooth, so sexy. Yes, sexy. A boy had a sexy voice. Everything about him was pure sex.
"Hi. Guess we better be friends. Going to be next to each other all year in our first class. And I saw you in homeroom."
He saw me? No big surprise, so why did that give me a huge thrill? What a thrill!
I was almost afraid to talk to him. I just knew I would say something really stupid. I tried to swallow, but my throat didn't want to. I had to force it to. It almost hurt when it finally worked like it is supposed to. I was sweating.
I couldn't look away from his face, his eyes. His red, juicy lips. His sweet, cute smile. Oh, gawd!
He turned sideways in his seat to face me. My eyes shot to... well, you know where. It seemed like I had to actually tear my eyes away from there. In that single split-second, I imagined what was behind that bulge of material. I saw him naked, and I saw my hands roaming all over there. I saw it getting hard, I saw my hands stroking it, I saw it shoot. I heard him groan. All in that split-second as I was doing all that I could to force my eyes to move back up to his face.
Finally they did.
"I guess you lived here a while? I just moved here from Linton. Dad got transferred to the state highway garage here."
"Linton? Where's that?"
"Other side of Indy."
He laughed. It was really something!
"About the same, really."
"So, nothing to do and nowhere to go, huh?"
"Yeah. Is there a good ball team here? I want to join up, but I don't know if there's even a team. Do you play?"
Oh, please tell me you mean football! Please!
"Yeah. Baseball. Ever heard of it?" he asked, smiling and laughing some. "I'm a pretty good pitcher."
His laugh was like musical bells. Deep, resounding, musical bells. And his full smile! Holy cow! Dimples! My whole body felt as if I were licking a light socket!
"Uh, you wanna play baseball?"
"Sure. Didn't I just say so? You okay? You seem like you didn't sleep or something."
"Uh, sure, sure didn't. First day and all. Ya know? Was up almost all night."
"Yeah, I know what ya mean! I hardly slept!"
The bell rang. I had never been so glad to hear a bell ring to start a class before in my whole life! He nodded at me then turned to face the front.
It was so hard to think! I kept wanting to look over and watch him. I took really fast glances. He sat almost perfectly upright. I could see the shape of his sides and back through the almost tight shirt. He looked so perfect! It looked like he had a strong chest and a flat tummy and nice powerful legs. And that bulge at his lap was just... impressive!
I heard people giving their names. When it was my turn, I stood up and said my name and sat back down. The giggles made me curious. I didn't understand what I had done that was funny. Mitchell was grinning at me and almost laughing, and blushing. He kept glancing down at me. At my lap. I looked down, afraid to see my zipper open. Then I saw how obvious it was that I was totally hard. I hadn't even thought about it! I hadn't even noticed!
I wished I would just die.
On the way out of class, Mitchell walked next to me. I was surprised.
"Where you go to next?" he asked, looking as if he had completely forgotten I showed off my boner to the whole class.
"Uh... English Composition. Room 220."
He seemed let down. I figured he was in the same class and didn't want to be seen near me again.
"See ya later, maybe."
He stopped and turned and walked back the other way. My heart and breathing were almost normal by the time I sat down in my next class. Almost. I felt like I was in a dream. Not so much a nightmare now, just a dream. Terry was in class with me, but we ended up almost the whole classroom apart.
The next class, guess who sat down one aisle away and in front of me. Katy. She was so glad to see me and wanted to talk the whole time. I was glad to be seen talking to a girl! So glad! And I tried to enjoy it. But I kept thinking about Mitchell. And that worried me a hell of a lot!
There I was, talking to a pretty girl, and I kept thinking about a boy!
I got so mad. Really upset. I wanted to want to be with her, but I kept thinking of Mitchell. I felt so wrong.
But I kept talking to her. Then again on the way out of class.
There really wasn't much else to tell you about until gym class.
We didn't have to change into the gym clothes we were given, but we were given locker assignments. You know who was in my row, right? Well, Chuckie and Bart, too, but Mitchell.
And he walked up and started talking to me while I was talking to Chuckie and Bart. I had to introduce them all. By the end of the class we were all talking and Chuckie and Bart seemed to like him. They all got along great. I was so doomed.
I saw Chet and Howie a couple of times in the hall. Once, they were talking in the hall with some other seniors and Howie saw me, waved, punched Chet on the shoulder, and pointed at me. He waved, too. I waved back. I couldn't believe two seniors liked me. And popular ones, too. And baseball stars. And they waved at the lowly freshman. I felt good for the first time all day.
I also saw Vince and Steve from the poker game. That shock of knowing they were homosexuals hit me like a ton of bricks. Then the shock that I was, too, probably. That was like a thousand tons of concrete blocks! I had to shake it off. I managed to.
Some classes had some friends in them. Then the last one. And there he was again. Right next to me again.
And he talked to me like we were old friends or something.
Finally I escaped. The bus ride was so long! And my friends that lived near me and rode the bus with me acted like I was the same old Jeremy. They had no clue that I was such a freak.
Home was so welcome. I wanted to cry, sort of. I mean, I prayed not to have temptations, but I get the biggest one of all time! Not just once, not just twice, three times! And in my gym class!
I tried to think of Katy. I tried to imagine her naked. I tried imaging kissing her. Taking her clothes off. I sort of got hard, but it seemed wrong. Like I was doing something wrong. Like I was doing something bad to her. And I really didn't want to see her naked. Not much, anyway. Sort of.
Even the slightest thought of him, naked or not, and my penis shot to attention. I ached to see his naked body. Oh, how I wanted to touch it. Inhale his smell. Taste his skin. Feel his body against mine.
My erection throbbed in my jeans.
I sobbed. I started crying. I knew for sure.
I liked Katy in a way, but I wanted Mitchell.
I was a homosexual.
I cried until I heard Mom come home and starting to get dinner ready. I pretended to be doing homework. Dad came home. We had dinner. They wanted to know how my first day of school had gone.
"Yeah, just fine. Why?"
As soon as dinner was over, I went to my room and went through my new textbooks. I worked hard not to think of Mitchell. I refused to think of him. Or of what I was.
"Jeremy! Chet and Howie are here!"
Oh, gawd! Baseball! The sign-up was today! Idiot!
I tried to look like I was doing homework.
"Hey, Jer. Missed ya today at sign-up. Did ya change your mind about the team or something?" Chet asked as soon as he was in my room.
"Uh, well, uh..."
He narrowed an eye at me. He looked at Howie and then back at me.
"So... gonna tell us what's the deal?"
"You forgot to sign up?"
He narrowed both eyes at me now. He sat down on my bed. He stared at me. I swallowed. I started sweating. I started shaking.
Howie closed my door.
"Yeah, so... what's up?" Chet asked, meeting my eyes for so long that I was forced to look away. "Jer?"
The way he said my name made me look back at him.
"Jer? What's up?"
He asked so softly. He looked so deeply at me. I swallowed again.
I started breathing really fast, and shaking really badly. I had to fight not to cry like a baby. I couldn't think.
Howie knelt next to the chair I was sitting in and put his hand on my shoulder. He met my eyes and nodded, then said, "You can tell us. You know we won't tell a soul. We're here to help however we can. We like you, Jer. Something's up. Maybe we can help ya out."
I sobbed like a cry-baby and slapped my hands over my face.
I did my best not to make any noise. The last thing I wanted was to have my parents come in asking why I was crying like that. One of them turned on the transistor radio. I was so glad of that. One of them put his arm around my shoulders. I was really glad of that, too. I figured it was Howie. I figured it was Chet who had his hand on my knee, patting it.
When I was able to stop and wipe my eyes, and could see, I saw that I guessed right. And I saw that they both looked so worried.
"Hey, no problem, Jer. Now, ya ready to tell us what happened?"
"I think I fell."
"Fell? Ya think? Don't ya know? And so what? Did you hurt yourself? Get laughed at? What? You wasn't pushed, was ya?"
They waited. I really didn't want to tell them. I don't know why I even said what I had already. I really have no idea why I said what I did next.
"I think I fell... for... a guy."
I started crying again. I heard them laughing softly. That made me so mad!
"Don't laugh at me!" I said in a really loud, angry whisper.
"We're not. Not meaning to, anyway. That's great!"
"No, it's not!" I growled.
"Yes, it is!" Chet said and squeezed my knee. "That's great!"
"How is that great?" I asked from behind my hands.
"Fallin' for someone is the best! You're gonna love it. And hate it. But it really is the best."
"Yeah, it can hurt, too, but, well, it can lead to the best times of your life."
"I don't want to be a homosexual. I don't want my friends to hate me!"
"They won't. Not your real friends. Even if they ever find out."
"They don't have to."
"How can't they?"
"We graduate this year. No one's found out about us. Carl went all through school, and no one found out. James, too. And the other guys. Me and Howie and Kevin. We're gonna make it. The other guys, they're making it. You can too."
"Yeah. Why not? Just because you are, don't mean anyone has to find out."
"You'll be fine, Jer. We'll protect you, even if you do get found out."
"Yeah. Just don't do anything stupid. Don't kiss all the guys or go chasing them through the hallways!"
He made me laugh.
"No one can read your mind. I used to be so afraid that every time I thought about a guy, that someone would be able to tell. No one can. Not as long as you don't stare or say something. So don't. Keep those thoughts to yourself. They're your private thoughts. Only yours." Chet said.
"Just be yourself in school, and baseball practice. In the locker rooms, glance and look, but sly and fast. See and remember, but don't stare. Just remember what you see and enjoy it later. Alone."
We all laughed a little.
"Don't think about it during changing or the showers. See it, but don't think. Just take a mental picture to look at later. Get me?"
"Just be yourself. You made plenty of friends being who you are so far, so just keep being who you are. That you like boys is part of who you are, but it's a private part of you. It's nobody's business except who you make it their business. Okay?"
I nodded again. They made sense. They were living with it, so could I.
"So, how about you tell us about him," Howie said.
"Tell us all about him. What makes you think you fell for him?"
"Because he... he... I can't stop thinking about him! I can't stop wanting to..."
I didn't want to tell them what I couldn't stop thinking about. How do you tell someone that you can't stop thinking about a naked boy?
"What's he look like?" Howie asked.
"Just, tell us what he looks like. What's so special about him?"
"What? Everything! I mean... his hair! It's so... right between blond and light-brown. Just... perfect. And, oh, man! His eyes! So brown! Like a chocolate bar! And... he's so..."
"Oh, gawd, yes!"
"I like a guy with nice lips," Howie said, grinning at Chet.
I laughed. Sort of.
"What else?" Chet asked.
"His face. It's like... so handsome! And he has cute dimples when he smiles. And he's got the best voice!"
"What about his butt?" Howie asked.
"Didn't you notice it?" Chet asked.
"Oh, yeah, I noticed it!"
Idiot! Why did I admit that? Because they're homosexuals, too. They understand. They even like me. It's okay with them. I relaxed a little. Not much, but a little.
I laughed again. I felt the deep blush. So embarrassing!
"What about the other side?"
Now I felt like my face was on fire.
"Yeah," Chet said, nodding.
"What's his name?"
"Oh, no way!" Howie said almost too loudly.
He and Chet smiled at each other.
"He signed up for ball today! He's a real cute one! I don't blame you at all!"
"You saw him?" I asked, stunned.
"Oh, yeah! Saw and noticed. He's very cute. You have great taste!"
I laughed again.
"The two of them would look great together!" Howie said.
"Wouldn't they! Wow!"
"Imagine them both wearing a pair of these," Chet said, pulling something small and black out of his jacket pocket then throwing it at me.
They were swim trunks, like the ones he and Howie had been wearing that day at the pool for the lessons. I held them up and goggled, imagining Mitchell in them. I swallowed only with extreme difficulty.
"Try 'em on," Howie said.
"See if they fit. If they do, you can use them for the lessons on Saturday."
"Me? In these?"
My underwear covered more, I was sure.
"Sure. I bet you look incredible in 'em," Chet said.
"Go on," Howie said. "We'll wait here."
And have my folks see me in them? No way! But then I'd have to change in front of Chet and Howie if I didn't go to the bathroom to do it.
Then I thought of something that almost made me throw up.
I'm going to get naked in front of a bunch of guys I don't know at school tomorrow. Twice! And I'll be in the showers! And in front of Mitchell! And he'd see me naked!
I'll see him naked!
I swallowed, but only after a really hard time trying.
I looked at the trunks. They really wouldn't cover as much as my Fruit-of-the-Looms.
Then I thought how Chet and Howie had already put their hands in my old trunks. All over me. They'd kissed me. They'd... yeah. They'd already seen it when they took them off in the pool and then put them on me again. They'd already seen it and said it was nice. They'd touched it. They'd stroked on it. They'd made it squirt.
I swallowed and stood up, and I stripped. It was embarrassing. Hugely so. But I did it. I changed in front of boys. Two boys. Two cute boys. Two cute, homosexual boys. Two cute, homosexual seniors. They watched. They grinned. I saw them get hard in their pants. I didn't. Sort of. More than completely soft, anyway. It was too embarrassing to get hard. Then I pulled the trunks on. They fit. Snug and tight. And they felt weird. They were made of something that felt more like plastic than cloth.
"They fit," Howie said.
"And how," Chet said. "And how."
The grinned at each other, then at me. They looked me all over, grinning.
"He's one cute son of a bitch," Howie said very firmly.
"He sure is. Jer, you are a handsome, attractive guy."
Chet nodded at me. I blushed even more.
"And he's hung like a horse," Howie said.
"He's gonna be, anyway. He's still got a lot of growing to do."
"He grows much more, and he's gonna be walkin' with a permanent limp, that thing hanging to his knee on one side."
We all laughed.
The trunks rubbed me funny. They felt... weird.
I started getting hard. It was really weird! They felt sort of... just... nice. Weird, but nice.
"Yeah, that's gonna happen," Chet said.
"Geeze! I swear he's as long as you!" Howie said, his eyes wide.
"He's built, for sure," Chet said.
I felt as if my face were going to burst into flames at any second. And the snickers wouldn't stop.
"Turn around once," Howie said.
"Damn, Chet! Is that a nice ass, or what? I wish I were a freshman!"
"I know! I'd be all over him! Great legs, too."
"You better get dressed again before we drag you out of here and do such things to you!" Howie said, adjusting himself in his jeans.
"Yeah, I agree, Howie. This guy is gonna break hearts. I hope Mitchell is like us, and he has a sturdy ticker. I think Jer here could give him a heart attack."
"Yeah, get dressed, Jer. And don't forget to sign up tomorrow!"
"Yeah, I won't," I said.
To may own amazement, I had the guts to take the trunks down with an erection. It bobbed and pointed out at them.
"Damn it. You might have to hold me back," Chet said.
"Hold you back? No way! I'll be right there, holding him down!"
I laughed. That made my erection bob a lot. It was so embarrassing!
"That has to be longer than mine," Chet said, shaking his head.
"You ever measure it?" Howie asked.
I almost said no, but I was sure all boys did. It just seemed obvious. Some of my friends and I had compared sizes of ours, but never hard. Not totally hard, anyway. We all said how long we were. So I was sure we all measured it. I knew it was longer than all my friends. Kyle had tried to say he was over seven inches long, but Mark and Wally made him prove it, and he wasn't. He even got it completely hard and measured it, but it was barely under six. And he was longer than everyone else, even so. Except me.
"Six inches," I said almost too softly to be heard.
I heard them both gasp.
"You're only fourteen?"
"Gonna be fifteen next month."
"Gonna be fifteen inches long by the time you can buy beer!"
We all laughed.
I got back into my jeans without putting my underwear on. I was just glad to be covered again. Though, to be honest, it had been really thrilling. Something was really fun about being naked in front of them. I knew they were homosexuals, and now I knew that I was, too. And it had been fun to show off in front of them like that.
Chet scooted over on the bed and patted it between himself and Howie. I sat down. He put his arm over my shoulder. Howie did too. They looked at me, face to face, making me look back and forth. Then Chet spoke.
"Jer, I want you to know, you really are something. You have great looks, and a great body. And your privates are just... amazing. You're one lucky bastard, Jer. Now, about Saturday. If you don't want to... well, do anything, Howie and I will understand. If you'd rather just take the swimming lessons, that's fine. Honestly. We won't treat you one bit different. Not at all. We want you to think about it all week. Decide. If you want to leave with everyone after the lessons, that'll be just fine. Or just go to the party. We don't want you thinking you have to, or should, or something. You don't. In any way. At all. If you want to wait until you can see if Mitchell will, well, be interested, that's great!"
He squeezed my shoulders a little, smiling at me. Then Howie took over.
"We're just glad we found you, and that you're able to deal with it, and even feel something for a guy. Or even a girl. Don't forget about Katy. If you like both guys and girls, that's just fine. Do so. That's up to you. It's your business. You have to figure it out and decide. We can't for you. We can answer questions and stuff, and we sure want to do that for you. We want to be helpful however we can. It was really tough before we knew about each other, and the others. I hated how it felt to be alone, and think I was, well, sick. Or that something was wrong with me. So, we were so glad to find you and be here to help you however we can. We just want you to know you're fine the way you are, whatever way you are. We'll be here to help you, help out, do whatever you need. The other guys at the party will, too. We'll all be here for you, okay?"
I nodded. I felt like crying again, but it wasn't a sad, hurtful kind of way this time. It was like when my parents did something great for me, or something like that. It was warm and fuzzy and nice. I was grinning and feeling like crying, not sad and hurting.
Chet kissed my hair. It was weird. Kind of nice. Then Howie did.
"We'll see ya around school tomorrow. Don't be shy, come up and say hi, okay?" Howie said as they stood up.
"Yeah, we won't bite ya. Not in school in front of everyone, anyway," Chet said, messing up my hair.
I laughed with them. They got to the door. Before Howie opened it, I coughed, cleared my throat, and said what was on my mind.
"Guys? On Saturday, can we go get a burger and a soda? After the, uh, private lessons? Before we go to the party?"
I couldn't look at them until I was done talking. When I did, they were smiling.
"Sure thing, Jer," Chet said with a nod.
"You're gonna need the nourishment," Howie said with a wink.
I laughed and felt pretty good. The minute they were gone, I cried again. But it was fine. I was fine.
Thanks to Bill for editing
To be continued
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