It's a numb feeling, you know? Being dumped.
After three weeks, you'd think it would stop hurting so much. But the truth is, despite my attempts to cover it up with a brave face and some inspiring words from my best friend, Lori, spoken with the pointless aim to somehow repair what was left of my self esteem...the pain still stabs me in the chest with every wayward thought that passes through my mind concerning my ex-boyfriend.
The funny thing is...now that I look back on it all, I don't even know why I found Jason Fixx all that amazing. Well...I take that back. I know what it was. He was older and gay and REALLY cute! I think I was kinda blindsided by that. I'd never had a boyfriend before. I'd never even come close, to be honest. And to have this 17 year old cutie look at my puny 15 year old frame and actually admit to wanting to be with me...it was like being struck by a bolt of lightning. Especially since other boys never let me even get 'close' enough to really connect with them. Not like I wish I could.
See...I'm not a total sissy, not at all...but I guess I have some visible..'traits' that kinda keep the boys from ever really wanting to be seen with me. If we look TOO friendly, the rumors start flying. Unfortunately, this is high school. Reputation is everything. None of the boys have ever come right out and asked me if I was gay...and I never really came right out and told them I was. But no matter what I did to deepen my voice a bit, or seem more hetero to everyone around me, I get the feeling that they can tell. And that they're ok with that...as long as I never say it, never approach them in public, and never EVER ask them out. Like...EVER.
Sighhh...and that made life...difficult.
When you don't even have a chance at finding somebody to love who will love you back...I mean, just how much 'purpose' can your average school day have, you know? That's why Jason was such a pleasant surprise.
He was like...wow! There was nothing 'gay' about him. He was strong, and slim, and cute, and he was just...so 'normal'. He was on the wrestling team, had a bunch of friends, had girls swooning over him all day. Short brown hair, fascinating brown eyes...and almost a full six inches taller than me. He was strong enough to make me feel safe in his arms. Jason was the LAST person I ever expected to be gay. But me? He kinda picked me out right away. I wish I had taken the opportunity to ask him how he knew. So I could kinda...correct it, you know?
Anyway, he's in the closet, I'm in the closet...I thought we would be in the same position. But I guess I was just a bit too sissyish to be seen with him. I was like this dirty little secret of his that he was ashamed of when it came to his other friends. When we were alone...he would kiss me until I felt like I was gonna explode. He would hold me...and whisper the sweetest things in my ear. It made me feel soooo good. It was my first experience at not....being alone. But I guess it wasn't meant to last.
We never went all the way, but I did get a chance to blow him once in his car. It was something that...I kinda rushed into. But I was hot for him and I wanted to know what it felt like. What it tasted like. I wasn't thinking about anything else other than sliding that long hard piece of meat between my lips and letting my tongue wrap around it as he moaned my name. Having my face in between those strong slender thighs...tasting him...feeling his heat on my cheeks...I wanted it to be this big passionate expression of love that would open the door to a whole new world of sexual delights. But...it wasn't what I thought it would be. In fact, half way through the act...I started to feel kind of ashamed that I was wasting my first blow job in the front seat of his car. We were parked behind this strip mall, and I could smell the dumpsters through the open windows. Jason had old soda cans and fast food wrappers on the floor. It was kinda hot and muggy that day, and we had barely kissed before he just unzipped and kinda whipped it out. No sweet whispers. No confessions of love. No scented candles and soft music. Just tension created by the fear of getting caught, and the aroma of rotting garage in those dumpsters.
Sometimes...sex is just sex, I guess. It was my first time. What did I know?
I kept scraping him with my teeth, and he tried to tell me how to do it right, but I'd accidentally scrape him again and he'd twitch and get frustrated. My jaw started to hurt, my neck started to hurt, my side hurt from bending over in his car...it was the most uncomfortable I think I've ever been in my life. And he didn't warn me when he was about to shoot...so I kinda coughed, and swallowed some by mistake, and he just kept shooting while I tried to hold my breath and just take it all. And then...when I finished...he just kinda zipped up his pants and started the car. No kiss or anything. He didn't even offer me a handjob, selfish. I had a nice set of blue balls by the time he dropped me off, and he was like, "I might be able to get together after practice tomorrow if you wanna try again. You did great." I did great? What does that even mean? That's not something you tell your boyfriend after his first blowjob. That's something your English teacher writes on the front of a 'B-' paper. Needless to say...I was disappointed. But I tried to hang in there. After all, it was Jason or nothing, and I'd be a complete IDIOT to toss back a gift like this! Sexy and popular and built like an underwear model....? I'd do ANYTHING to keep him around.
Unfortunately...he didn't see the need to do the same for me.
Now every time I talked to him, it was all about sex. Nothing else. And giving him so much as a wave in the hallway at school would practically cause him to throw a fit, and he wouldn't call me for days. I didn't want to have sex in his car, and I didn't wanna just 'find someplace to do it'. I wanted him to...kinda...you KNOW! Put some real heart into us being together. I wanted to hear him say he loved me once in a while. Or maybe smile at me from the other end of the soccer field. Or just talk to me without looking for a private place for us to....'fuck'.
A week or two passed. Jason stopped calling. He didn't even have the guts to tell me that I had been kicked to the curb, I had to figure it out for myself. And even then I didn't want to believe it. But what could I do? I couldn't speak to him in public, I couldn't talk to him at school, I couldn't even call his house because he didn't want his mom and dad hearing my 'girly' voice. So he just cut me off completely. And the only thing I could do to get through to him...would be to just 'give' him my body and let him do what he wanted to with it. And I just wasn't ready to do that.
I may be a horny 15 year old boy, and I might think about how BADLY I want some sex every fifteen seconds...but I'm not chasing it at the expense of my self esteem. It's just not worth it. And some precious moments...you just don't get back.
I learned that the hard way.
Anyway...a new day begins. It's time that I forget about Jason Fixx and every moment of agony he ever put me through. Maybe things will be different in college. Who knows? I'd rather be alone if that's all I have to look forward to in a boy on boy relationship. Call me 'sensitive' if you want, but I need the cuddles and the late night phone calls and the giggly emails. I need someone to care more about me than what I can do for them. I kinda wanna get something out of having a boyfriend too.
"Are you pouting again? Geez, Tristan...why don't you just FORGET about him already?" My friend Lori, the sole keeper of my secret. While the boys at my school are too scared to really offer me a satisfying connection, the girls seem to always love having me around. Provides a nice cover sometimes. And others? Well...a teen boy with a bunch of girl friends...who aren't actual girlfriends...THAT doesn't look too hetero either. But I feel more comfortable around them. I don't play or watch sports, I don't get excited every time I see a pair of boobs jiggle on television, I'm not big enough to kick anybody's ass...I don't even really like getting dirty. So me and most of the boys probably wouldn't get along anyway. After all, I'm...different."
"I'm trying, Lori. I'm done. I don't even know why this is lingering for so long. It's not like he was this super duper boyfriend. I just...I don't wanna go back to being..."
"Alone?" She said, and I kinda nodded.
"Ugh! I mean, is that psycho? That I'd rather be with Jason than sit here in my bedroom by myself all day?"
Lori pinched one of my nipples and I cringed with a smile as I pushed her hand away. "You're NOT by yourself, you're with me! And I'd appreciate you giving my company some credit, mister!"
"I know, I know, Lori! But...it's not the same. I just...why can't they..just...?" I got stuck for words, trying to describe the helpless feeling of being in a situation that I had no control over.
Lori really wanted to know. As though I had never complained about this to her before. "C'mon, Tristan, tell me. What is it?"
I struggled with my thoughts for a second or two longer, feeling almost ashamed at what I was supposed to say. "I just wish that I could be close to the boys at school. That's all. I feel like I'm 'light years' away from them. And that makes me feel so lonely sometimes. I just wish they were more like me. Or that I was more like them. Sighhh...I dunno, I just wanna find somebody that is looking for the same things that I am."
"A LOT of boys think you're cool, Tristan. They talk to you all the time."
"I'm not talking about being 'polite', or a familiar face at school, Lori They don't wanna hang out with me. They don't even wanna laugh too loud around me because they think somebody is gonna see us and call him a 'fag'."
Lori swatted my arm. "God, you know I HATE that word. Stop it." She said. "Look, if you want, I can ask some of the guys in my classes to hang out with us. Once they get to know you better, they'll warm up to you. People like you, they just don't know you."
"Just let me talk to them. We'll all go out, and there will be girls there, so it won't look weird. And you'll have some boy friends in no time."
I sorta rolled my eyes a bit before I said it...but as long as we were having an 'honest' conversation, "I'm not looking for boy...FRIENDS, Lori. Ok?" Which sorta sparked the appropriate hint in her mind. That was the one thing she couldn't help me with. It was the one door she couldn't open for me, no matter how hard she tried. What was she gonna do? Pay somebody to sleep with the slightly effeminate 'closet boy'? "I'm sorry. Forget I said it." I said, but she put a hand on my leg, giving me a smirk to contrast the heavy concentration of pity in her blue eyes. Not that it helped much.
"It's ok. I understand." She said, her wheels spinning. She straightened up and said, "You'll find somebody. Somebody WORTH it next time." I rolled my eyes again, but she insisted. "No, I MEAN it! Tristan, look at you? You're beautiful. The first time I saw you, the first thing I thought was, 'God...he's sooo beautiful'. You've got that dark hair and those piercing dark green eyes...I mean, you were cute enough to get a hot 17 year old wrestling team hottie to be your boyfriend. There's GOTTA be somebody out there who's gonna find you just as cute."
"You're SUPPOSED to think, I'm cute, Lori. Boy's aren't like that. Boys are different. I've gotta be all careful and quiet and look for stupid signals and then make sure I give signals back...it's exhausting. And it doesn't help that I'm so damn...sissyish."
"Hehehe, you are NOT sissyish!" She laughed, and I gave her a sideways look. "WHAT? OK...so you're not built like a football player, and you don't spend your day humping people's legs and telling fart jokes while sticking pencils up your nose? So what? That doesn't make you a 'sissy'. I LIKE that you're sweet and sensitive and care how you look."
"Riiiight. Like I said...total 'sissy'." She reached out to twist my nipple again, but I jumped back from her in time. "STOP! Hehehe!" I smiled at her, and she smiled back at me, but the silence between us was an awkward one. "Look...I'm gonna be fine. I'm just trying to put Jason behind me and it's got me a little bit bummed out. That's all. Ok? I just need another day or two to sulk and I should be all rainbows and gumdrops again."
"Don't do it for ME. Do it for you. Ok?" She said.
"Nah...if I was just trying to get better for 'me'...I'd be like this for another few months. At least when I'm trying to put on a brave face for you, I can forget about life, or my lack thereof, for a little while."
Again, she reached out to touch my leg to soothe me. Then she said, "Hey! You know what? Tomorrow's Saturday! I'm coming over here, and you're gonna help me dye my hair red again. You know that dark crimson color that I like so much? I asked Rachael to do it, but you're so much better at it."
"Sissy skill number 18...dying my girl friend's hair." I said sarcastically, and she gave me a shove.
"Shut up. You and me are gonna watch videos, and listen to music, and get online, and we're gonna laugh the whole damn day. You hear me?" I just directed my eyes up at the ceiling, and she grabbed me by my frail shoulders and began to slow shake me until she an involuntary smile on my face. "So what's the plan? Are we on? Come on, Tristan..."
I let the smile come out completely, and caved in. "Alright. I guess it couldn't hurt. Besides...you NEED a dye job. Hehehe, you're so un-pretty right now."
Hahaha! Just seeing the look on Lori's face was worth the 'stronger than normal' punch I took to my flat little chest as she reacted to my comment We both giggled happily for a moment or two before she gave me a hug and a kiss on the cheek. If only I could find a cute boy to show me the same level of affection. Someone who wasn't soooo afraid to let down his macho defenses long enough to do something...tender. God, I long for that more than oxygen some days. And today was one of them.
Lori was on the phone bright and early, waking me up to make sure that I didn't try to back out of our 'fun day' for the insane reason of wanting even more isolation than what I was already stuck with. I got up and just put on some black sweatpants and a pullover blue and white t-shirt. I put down some paper in the kitchen and a hair in the middle of the floor to prepare for the whole process. My mom was going to some weird festival in the park today. She was trying to get me to go, but I really wasn't in the mood to be entertaining today. Besides, she's going with her friends from work, and if they tell me I'm too cute not to have a girlfriend yet just ONE more time...I'm gonna STAB one of them, and smear their blood on my face as an example for the others. It's bad enough that my mom is already having suspicious moments. She 'watches' me sometimes. I know she does. It's getting to the point where every time I turn my head, she turns to see what I'm looking at. I can't even look at cute boys in PEACE anymore without her meddling. I don't want to tell her, and I don't want her to ask. I just want her to leave it alone. I want everybody to leave me alone. I'll deal with it on my own.
I went out to get the mail, and saw Lori's big sister driving up to drop her off. She already had the bag of hair dye ready to go, and what looked like a separate bag of junk food and videos. I was still squinting a bit from the big blast of weekend sunshine, but I smiled at her just the same. "I see you brought a sack of goodies and bullshit?" I said.
"Damn straight. I don't fuck around." She giggles. "So are you gonna hook me up on my hair or what?"
"Yeah, c'mon in..." I said, when I heard a voice calling me from not far away.
"Hiya, Tristan!" I knew that voice anywhere, and immediately cursed myself for being caught out front like this. Should have had my 'Scotty watch' on alert.
"Hey, Scotty..." I said. Scotty Lynch, the boy from across the street and three house down. Now I would never be able to lie and say that Scotty wasn't cute. He was adorable. A 13 year old brass blond angel with a set of soft blue eyes that would stop you dead in your tracks if they caught a particular ray of sunshine. But he was just....I don't know. Not my kind of guy, I guess. He could still be extremely immature when he wanted to be. And cocky at times. I know he's only younger than me by a few years, but the gap between Junior High and High School seemed to put miles between us. It's like...he just has more growing to do. But when he does find himself a personality that he's comfortable in...I'm sure he'll turn out to be a bonafide hottie!
"Sup, Lori?" He said with a grin, getting off of his bike and walking over to us.
"What's up, Scotty? No big plans for the day?" Ugh! Why does Lori always encourage him?
"Naw, not yet. Me and some friends might hit the court for some hoops or something later though." Scotty looked over at me, with a quick nod. "What's up, T-Diddy? You wanna join us or something?"
"No, Scotty. Not really." I answered. "I don't play basketball."
"Yeah, I know...but you could like...watch or something. You could 'cheer' for me. Like yaayyyyyyyyyy, and I'd score like 50 points for you and stuff!"
"Sounds like a blast." I said, without expression. And Lori tried to hold back from snickering.
"Why not?" Scotty asked. "You never watch me play. I'm awesome. Really! I'll bet you I'll be able to dunk soon! I'll show you when I get tall enough to do it..."
I cut him off. "Sorry, Scotty. Gotta go. We've got stuff to do."
"Oh yeah? Well...what are YOU guys doing? Maybe...you know...I can just.." Oh no! No no no! "I don't really HAVE to hoop today. I mean...if you guys all wanna hang out or something?"
"Sorry, no guests. I can't do it." I said gently pushing Lori in the house.
"But...but..." He stuttered, but I was already at the door. So, still trying to maintain his 'cool', he said, "Ok, that's cool. Another time then, I gotchya. See ya later, T-Diddy!"
I shut the door as fast as I could, and Lori burst out laughing. "Ugh! HATE it when he calls me T-Diddy! My name is TRISTAN! How hard is that?"
"I think it's CUTE!" She giggled.
"Don't you start with that again, Lori!" I said, walking into the kitchen with her right behind me.
"You can shut your eyes and ears all you want, Tristan...but I'm telling you...that boy has a very healthy little boy crush on you."
"He does NOT!" I said, only making her smile bigger. "He's just following me around and being a pest as usual."
"You're being awfully harsh on him, don't ya think? Scotty Lynch has been trying to spend idol worship time with you since he was TWELVE. And he's still watching your front door to see when you come outside so he can make up a reason to come talk to you." She gave me a nudge. "I'm telling you...THAT boy...likes boys!"
"Get outta here. Scotty? Psh!"
"Why not? Aren't you the one looking for boys who will be more than friends?"
"Scotty Lynch isn't a 'boy'...he's a headache in the vague SHAPE of a boy"
"A shape that I'm sure is going to be getting nicer and nicer in the next few years." Lori winked. "You're gonna wish you had let him get in your pants when you had the chance, someday."
"Ewww, can you not go ANY further with that scenario, please? Here, just sit down and let's get this over with." I told her. It's not that Scotty wasn't cute, but after ten minutes of him yapping about how cool he thinks he is and how cool he thinks I am...I'd be ready to jump out the nearest window.
Did Lori leave it alone? Of course not, does she ever? By the time she was finished teasing me, she had me blowing Scotty naked and sprawled out on the dinner table! My fingers slowly pushing themselves two knuckles deep in his tight young asshole! Hahaha! I had to literally threaten to blind her with hair dye to get her to STOP already! I have to admit though, having her around chased the blues away for a little while. I finished her hair, and we had a long talk about what I really wanted and what I was really looking for. The problem is...I had no idea WHAT I wanted, honestly. I just knew what I 'didn't' want at this point, and what it was that I hated about my limited teen experience with boys so far. I felt bad for complaining to her without giving her a logical way to even come up with a solution that was worth anything in terms of helping me out. I mean it's not like they make 'gay bars' for teenagers to meet people. And the internet is just...a big 'NO'. I mean...I just know I'll end up being the unlucky kid who gets the twice convicted boy rapist who's posing as a high school junior or something. I'm not looking forward to ending up as a decorative 'human skin' lampshade in some pervert's basement. Still, despite my whining to my best friend...the talk seemed to do me some good. Like a heavy cinder block lifted off of my chest. If only for a day.
Lori and I got her hair looking just right, which she thanked me for, and we had some lunch before getting online and having a few laughs. I had to sometimes wipe tears from my eyes as we watched a ton of comedy sketches and big epic 'fails' of people trying to do skateboard tricks or pull random pranks on their peers that backfired horribly. A few funny animations, a few awesome parodies. I swear...when you watch YouTube, you end up in some really strange places. Hehehe! It's kind of addictive after a while. You always tell yourself, 'ok...this is the LAST video I'm gonna watch today!' But whether you liked the video or not, there are these weird 'recommendations' for something else that you might wanna see...and sometimes they are TOTALLY random, and don't have ANYTHING to do with the video you just watched! But looking at the title alone, you're like, "What???" And, with a smile, you end up clicking on it anyway. I swear, more times than not I end up waaaaay on the other side of the internet where I never thought I would be surfing. But I guess that's half the fun. Especially with Lori egging me on the way she was.
We watched people fall off of tables, and ram their faces into brick walls, and make fun of Chris Crocker's 'Leave Britney Alone' videos...hehehe, it was a good time. And then...while watching a bunch of hilarious responses to something called 'Stop Calling Me A Homo'...I found something that really got my attention.
I think Lori chose it because she was making fun of me at the time. And the many responses were getting funnier and funnier from the people on YouTube who decided to comment on it. But...at one point, while looking at the other recommendations, I saw a picture of this...this...REALLY cute boy with blond hair. I just saw a flash of him, but he was..he was like...sooooo beautiful. It was breathtaking. I kinda gasped a little bit, but quickly tried to hide my instant infatuation from Lori.
She looked over at me with a smirk and said, "What was that? Huh?" She giggled and shook her finger at me.
"What? Nothing. I was just..."
"DON'T EVEN try to lie to me, Tristan! I totally heard you! Hehehe!" She said. "C'mon! Let's click it! He's cute! I wanna see what he has to say!"
"You don't HAVE to, I was just..." Oh why lie! He was HOT! Hehehe! "...Fine. Click on it." I tried to sound like I didn't care one way or the other. But I'm sure she could see the excitement on my face. I don't want to sound too shallow, but really hot boys on YouTube ALWAYS get attention! Hehehe! It's hard to imagine that they actually 'exist' out there somewhere on a daily basis.
Lori clicked on his 'Re: Stop Calling Me A Homo' link, and I waited impatiently for the video. She put it on full screen on my computer...and there's this split second 'pause', where you get to see the boy's face before the video actually starts. And that moment, for me, lasted for a very pleasant eternity. Wow...he was seriously GORGEOUS! Probably straight as an arrow, but that two second pause was enough for me to swoon with schoolboy infatuation.
His screen name was 'Jesse-101'...
Sighhhh...I swear, there was something about his eyes alone that made you feel like he was right there in the room with you. He looked my age, I think...but he was too pretty in the face to really tell. It was hard to concentrate when you looked at him. It was like...'magic' being able to lay your eyes on him. Even if it was just on a computer monitor. He had this medium length blond hair that shined in the light like warm liquid gold It hung so delicately from his scalp...seductively close to to being in the way of his sparkling blue eyes...but not quite. It was like this playful tease...watching those amazing blond locks cascading down, and stopping at just the right place. Where it didn't obscure a single inch of beauty from your vision. His skin was sooooo smooth and soft. It was like warm buttermilk...creamy and sweet. And he had the most...sighhhh...the most lush and full kissable lips that I had ever SEEN on another boy, or even a GIRL! Omigod, I go hard just looking at his lips alone! Everything about him was a dream come true for every closet homosexual on the plant...and I was instantly lost in this spontaneous fantasy of us being together. Forever.
Mmmm...'Jesse-101'...the most amazing boy on Earth. And I drank in every last detail of his untouchable beauty...in that tiny two second gap.
And then.....he spoke....
His voice...oh wow. It was a siren's song to my ears. Light and pleasant. Playful and sexy. Innocent, but with such a subtle touch of mischief. I heard Lori giggle a bit, but found myself suddenly telling her to 'shhhh' as I tried to absorb every word that he had to say.
Then he added...
The video was a short reply, and it was hardly long enough for me to really satisfy my curiosity about this beautiful boy. But when the other recommendations came up, I watched closely. EAGERLY searching for another video by him. ANY video by him!
"Omigod, click on that one!" I said, when I saw one called, 'Super Soda Drink Fest'. I had almost forgotten that Lori was onto me and my ulterior motives concerning the cutie on screen. But the funny thing was, I didn't really care! She smiled at me, and I confessed to my instant addiction. "So WHAT??? He's cute! So? Hehehe, don't tease me! Just click already!"
"You're such a YouTube perv..."
"Shut up and CLICK already! Geez!" I said, almost taking the mouse from her to do it myself.
"Alright, alright! Hahaha!" She clicked on his next link, and said, "Actually...he IS pretty damn cute. I don't blame you."
"Shhh, shhh, it's starting."
I watched as the same cute boy appeared on the screen, this time in his kitchen, wearing a shirt that brought out the ocean summer blue color of his big bright eyes, and I fought to keep from smiling as I heard his angelic voice speak again....
I saw him get up and take the whole 12 pack out of the fridge.
The video sped up at that point, and Lori and I laughed out loud as we watched the super speedy slurping of sodas...can by can. Sometimes he would get up and dance around a bit in fast motion, and sometimes he's make faces, and just....hehehe...God, he was being so CUTE about it! When he got about 7 cans into it, the video went back to normal speed so he could speak.
And he went right back to the speedy motion, drinking down two more cans before slowing down and looking like he was almost ready to barf it up on camera. Hahaha! Omigod...I couldn't stop staring at him. He was like...this amazing blond angel. But the way that he edited everything and made jokes in between was so comical that I couldn't stop watching. Something about his personality and his cheerful nature just grabbed a hold of you and wouldn't let go. Lori laughed even harder than I did, and we kept watching as he got down to the last can and a half. Starting off with a loud belch...
The film jumped until he came back, and got really close to the camera. His big fluorescent blue eyes hypnotizing me with their unbelievable charm
And he went back to drinking! Then he turned up the very last can, letting the last few drops fall into his mouth, and slammed it down on the counter. Lori giggled at me and said, "Omigod, I can't believe he really just did that!"
"I know! That's insane!"
Then Jesse said...
The video ended, and I was left with this permanent goofy grin on my face Something about him called out to me, and I couldn't help but to be totally fascinated by him. Watching his full lips move when he spoke was enough to make me squirm in my seat. But more than anything...his aura was just so fun to watch. He had a certain invisible something that made everything he said and did such a joy to behold. It almost hurt to see the video come to an end, and I found myself looking for more.
C'mon....C'MON...just one more! Please?
I told Lori to look for more, and she gave me a sly grin. She was like, "He has a YouTube account, you know? If you just wanna obsess over this ONE cute boy for a while longer, we an just go there!" I tried to deny it and not appear like some kind of teeny bopper on a sugar high, but she let me know that it was ok. In fact, her exact words were, "I'm not going to miss out on this. I don't think I've seen you this happy over a boy for a long time now. Hehehe! I like this side of you. You always hide everything you feel, it's not healthy."
"I don't HIDE stuff. I just...I'm 'private', you know?" I told her. Not that she bought it for a second.
"Ok, I'm gonna call 'bullshit' on that one, Tristan. I'm just saying....hehehe...it's good to see you smile. It's been a while."
"Yeah well...after Jason, it's pretty sad that all I have to rely on is a computer monitor and the image of some teenage boy half way across the world to make me smile. It's hardly a reason to throw a party."
She nudged me as she went to 'Jesse-101's account to see what other videos he had. "You're too hard on yourself. So stop it." She said. "Look at it this way...Jason might have seemed like your dream boy, but he obviously wasn't. So now that he's out of the way, the real deal to come in and sweep you off of your feet. He's gone for a reason, Tristan. Appreciate the opportunity you've been given for something soooo much better."
"I know. I just...I KNOW, ok?" I said, wishing she would hurry up and show me more of this 'Jesse' boy already. I reached over to click the button, but she pulled it back from me with a mischievous smile. "Are you gonna honestly ENJOY this? Or are you gonna sit there and pretend to be cool and calm while watching these? Because I'm not going to be entertained if you're just gonna hold back all day and..."
"GIMMEE!!!" I said loudly, snatching the mouse from her and clicking the links myself! Hehehe, she sat back and giggled happily to herself, watching my eyes widen. He had, like...over FORTY videos already! And a lot of them were recent! Some done in the last few months, some in the last few weeks...and one that was done just 7 HOURS ago! I don't know what it was that made my heart flutter when I saw that. I think...something about the fact that this amazing boy....this enchanting, engaging, and thoroughly entertaining boy...was actually 'out there' somewhere. Right now. And what I was going to see in that video happened just a few hours ago. It was like...I dunno...being connected, you know? God...I can't believe he's real. Like...REALLY real!
I decided to save the most recent one for last. Some of his videos were a year or more old. I figured I'd start with those. Heh...listen to me. 'START' with those. Yes, I had already made up my mind to watch every last YouTube video that he had on this site. And was sure to save it and keep up with him every single day of my life. Just to become this totally dedicated voyeur by addictively peeking in through this electronic window into his life. Despite my earlier claims to just be merely 'interested'...I found myself blindsided by the haze of infatuation. And I had only been watching him for 6 minutes. How weird is that?
I swear, Lori and I spent the next hour and a half giggling and shoving each other as we went through video after video. Saying, 'Omigod! Click on that one!' or 'He looks so HOT right there! Click that one!' And I nearly fell out of my chair when he had one entitled 'Naked Vlog Challenge'...which nearly made my HEART stop! But when I clicked on it, it was totally a hoax! Which, even though I was severely disappointed, made me laugh anyway.
Oh God...I swear, I'm falling in LOVE with this boy! The more I see, the more I absorbed, watching his skits and his weekly vlog entries, and just hearing him talk about stuff...wow. He was soooo dreamy. So alluring to my hungry eyes. Hungry for a level of beauty that had some meaning Not just 'cute' for 'cute's' sake. But truly beautiful, inside and out.
And that's when Lori and I went to another page and saw the one vlog post that...not only surprised me, but it sent a surge of wiggles through me so fast that I nearly slipped out of my seat. One video....just one...
..Titled 'Coming Out Story'
Lori looked at me with her jaw dropped, and her eyes so wide that they nearly swallowed me up! I couldn't shake myself free from the still picture associated with the video. Jesse, with a serious look on his face,his soft blond hair falling gently into his bright blue eyes...his kissably thick lips poised and ready to speak...it left me in a helplessly awestruck state of paralysis.
Was it another joke? Was it like the naked vlog post? If I took a chance, and clicked on it...would this beautiful boy laugh at me? And tease me mercilessly for thinking for one SECOND that someone this amazing could ever be a homosexual. That he could be that funny, that confident, that open...and yet...till be 'different'. Like me?
"Omigod! Tristan, what are you WAITING for??? Click, click, click!!!" Lori shouted. But I didn't know if I had the guts to do it. Something about finding out the truth, whether he was gay or straight...terrified me. After having investing so much heart into his sweet smile and carefree sense of humor...I think I'd end up being hurt either way. "Tristan? What is it?"
"I....I don't know..." I said. My finger hovering right over the button. Why couldn't I do it? Why did it frighten me so much?
Lori reached over and slowly took the mouse out of my hand. She gave me a weird look, but I think she thought this was some kind of weird joke that I was making. It wasn't. She clicked on the link, and the video began..
He started. I held my breath. As though my breathing and heartbeat would be so thunderously loud that I'd miss something. A word, a phrase, a smile, a gesture. I watched so closely that I was afraid to blink. A tremble generating a wild nest of butterflies in my stomach.
Jesse blushed a little bit, and bit into his bottom lip to hold back a flirtatious smile.
My God. My....my GOD!!! I couldn't believe what I was hearing! I couldn't believe how long I had been holding my breath. I couldn't believe how hard I was shaking. Lori and I just stared at the screen as this dazzling boy shared a piece of his soul with me. That's what it felt like. Like it was JUST for me. And something about it made me experience something so untouchably wonderful inside. So unimaginably real. Oh wow...this can't be happening. It just can't be.
Jesse leaned into the camera, his blue eyes illuminated by the light of his laptop screen. He used his delicate fingers to lift up some of his silken strands of spun gold to show a slightly visible gash on his forehead, just above his left eyebrow. It hurt me to see it. It literally HURT! It wasn't that bad of a scar. Hardly noticeable, actually. But the idea of him being hurt just...it infected something in me. Had I been there, I would have swung on this 'Ben' character with everything I had. I swear!
He said with a half hearted giggle.
Then he paused and said...
Which was kinda random and funny and followed by a weird look. But, despite my soft giggle...I still felt really bad for him.
His face appeared close to the screen with a smile.
Bringing a playful bit of comfort to me and Lori, who were watching in silence. Captivated by his story.
He jumped close to the screen again, and slowly licked his tongue over his teeth in the most lustful way imaginable. But quickly went back to normal.
He's amazing. He's soooo...damn amazing!
And just like that....it was over. No wink and a smile. No 'ha ha, dumbass! I'm not really gay! I'm just kidding!' He was really...oh wow...he was really...
I needed to sit down.
Oh wait...I was already sitting down.
Well then I need to squirm my body out of this chair and sprawl out on the bedroom floor then. Because this weak feeling inside of me is so overwhelming that sitting still just doesn't seem to be able to contain it.
"Hehehe, omigod, LOOK at you!" Lori said, and hugged me around the neck as I smiled dreamily to myself.
"I didn't even think there were boys out there like that." I said, more to myself than to her. "Did that just happen? He's....he's so...." I blushed hard and hid my face from her for a second while I tried to get my level of 'cool' back. "Hehehe...am I being weird? I'm sorry."
"You're being ADORABLE!!! And don't you DARE apologize for it!" She replied. "You should talk to him! Write him a comment or something!"
"What??? NOOOO!!! Hehehe!"
"Why not? He WANTS you to comment! He ASKED you to comment! C'mon! He's CUTE!"
I giggled at the very idea of it, and said, "Ok, YOU need to go now!"
"Why? Are you gonna touch yourself?"
"LORI!!! Omigod! Hehehe!"
"I know you are! Ok, ok...I'll go. But I know that you're gonna keep watching 'Jesse-101' while I'm gone. You're not fooling me! Hehehe!" I actually pushed her gently until she got her stuff and was ready to go. Hehehe, she laughed the whole way, but put up little resistance. Right before I shut the door, she said, "Call me after you 'squirt' so you can tell me how he was!" Hahaha! And they say BOYS are the perverted ones!
Naturally, Lori was right. And I went back and watched every video from his coming out story, all the way back to the very first vlog he ever did when he had just turned 14 years old. His hair was a little bit longer then, but he looked just as cute either way. He had some more videos about cute boys that he saw, and about how kids should work on accepting themselves for who they are, and he even listed sites for teen boys who were going through some of the same things that he was. I mean...Jesse actually cared. Do you know how HARD it is to actually find people who give a shit about anything other than getting money, getting attention, getting power, or getting laid? How many people do you see that are passionate enough to want to do something for somebody ELSE, instead of their own self satisfaction and ego? Jesse continued to impress me, over and over again, video after video, for another hour and a half. Three hours..glued to this computer screen. My back and shoulders ached. My butt ached. My fingers ached. Ugh!
But the one muscle that seemed to be going strong, even though it had been working the hardest over the last few hours...was my heart. It pumped out so many good feelings that the smile on my face eventually caused the muscles in my cheeks to nearly cramp from overuse. And remarkably..I was stiff as a metal rod the whole time! And yet, as erect as I was, I didn't jack off. Not once. I was so emotionally involved in the very essence of Jesse and what he had to say...that I just couldn't involve myself in the distraction. That was so wild. I almost got ANGRY when I heard my cell phone ring, and saw that it was Lori.
I picked it up and said, "I'm NOT jacking off, if that's what you're calling to find out!" I grinned.
"DUDE!!! Did you watch the first video???" She said excitedly.
"Of course I did. I've been working my way back to the very first one since you left."
"NO! Not the first video he ever did, like a year and a half ago! I'm talking about the FIRST video! The one he did today!!!"
"What are you talking about?" I asked, and then remember that I had saved the most recent for last.
"WATCH IT!!! Do it now!" She demanded, and I snickered a bit as I wondered if maybe he decided to do that naked vlog after all.
I went back to the first page, and clicked on the link. Jesse was going to the mall with one of his friends, and brought his camera with him. God...e was soooo gorgeous that it was hard to take my eyes off of him once he started moving.
Some dance pop music came on, and the video was sped up slightly as Jesse and his friend Artie went from store to store, holding up random objects from shoes, to action figures, to video games, to female lingerie....making faces and dancing around in the most comical way. It made me laugh to see them having so much fun together, and they literally went to EVERY store! Even the ones that had NOTHING that a 14 year old boy would ever want to get for his birthday.
Lori heard me giggling on the phone, and she said, "Do you SEE it???"
"Hehehe, huh?See what?"
She sighed, almost as if in frustration. "LOOK at the stores!!! Look at the FOUNTAIN!!!!"
"What about them?"
"Dude...are you BLIND??? That's TOTALLY the mall over in HILLSIDE!!! Tristan...'Jesse-101' lives just in the next TOWN!!!" She said, almost screaming.
It caught me off guard at first, but as I looked closer...those stores DID look pretty familiar. "Get the fuck outta here...no way. A LOT of shopping malls look like that, Lori."
"NO! I'm serious! LOOK at the security guard! That's old man Kirkland right there! I'm telling you...'Jesse-101' is HERE!!!" She said. And I watched....trying to understand. Trying to embrace the concept. And I was left speechless. "Tristan? Tristan, are you there? Hellooooo?"
I hung up the phone without saying another word. Stood up, stepped away from the computer, and fell back on my bed, my eyes gazing up at the ceiling as my body began to tingle from head to toe.
He's here. 'Jesse-101'.....he's....he's here. Like....HERE. My mind seemed to shut off every other thought that didn't concern that blond sweetheart's smile...
And as my phone rang, and I remained too emotionally numb to answer it...I heard the end of the video...
'Love you guys'. That's what he said. He gave me a kiss. It felt like...like he gave me a kiss personally. And I felt too good to move.
I was floating. FLOATING. What do I do with this feeling? How can I make it stop long enough to function? Wow....
And big thanks to openly gay/bi teens like Trayce Shaw, Carlkr, AbsolutelyPossibly, TheJoeFrom1993, and many more...who are MORE than just cool, funny, boys that are pretty to look at...but are honestly reaching out with an attempt to make a difference! Even if you never read this...I thank you!