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"The Madness And The Ache"
"Gee...what smells like sex in here?" Were the first teasing words to leave Artie's mouth once we were all in Jesse's bedroom again with the door closed. God, I blushed so HARD! Hehehe, I couldn't help it. Embarrassed, I put my hands over my face and giggled quietly to myself.
Jesse said, "Don't you start!"
"What? What'd I say?" Artie grinned, then he made sure to sit right next to me on the foot of the bed, scooting his little butt over until we were touching. I could feel him staring at me, so I peeked out of one of my hands, and he just smiled dreamily at me, a few slow blinks before sighing, "Hi..."
"Hehehe, what are you doing?" I said.
"Looking at your eyes. You've got, like...Jolly Rancher eyes. You know that? So cute..." He said, and 'blinked' at me again.
"Quit it." I said, but couldn't hold back more giggles as Artie continued to stare and sigh out loud.
Jesse had to come over and grab Artie by the arm, practically peeling him from my side. "Annnd, that's enough of that!" He said, spinning Artie around and sitting him down in his desk chair.
"Don't worry, Tristan! I'll be right here. I'm not going far, k?" Artie grinned looking around Jesse's slender frame as he tried to block his friend's vision by moving from side to side.
That's when Jesse came to sit at my side and take a firm hold of my hand as he gave me a playful little kiss on the cheek. "Don't worry about him, baby. He's just being nasty, hehehe!"
It's not like I didn't know that Artie was just goofing around. But...when Jesse kissed me, I think Artie felt a little pinch of jealousy from it. Not in a bad way, at least...I don't think it was. But his smile dimmed in this really subtle way. It only lasted for a split second, then he recovered from it, rolling his eyes and grinning about it. "Whatever." I don't think Artie was really envious of me, specifically. I think he was just envious that he didn't have a sweetheart of his very own to bring to the table. I know that look. It wasn't long since I was dealing with that exact same feeling...wanting someone of my very own. Someone that I could share my heart with and make happy with the love I was willing to give him.
Something about my gut instinct made me feel like we were rubbing his nose in it by...you know...smooching and stuff right in front of his face like that.
Artie was really sweet about the whole thing though. Those two have a bond that I suspect is even closer than the one that I share with Lori and Michelle. Something about them together just feels right. Hehehe, they make eye contact, and you just get the feeling that they're having an entire subliminal conversation that nobody else gets to hear. I look forward to being in on the secret eventually.
"So...?" Artie smiled, causing Jesse to snicker to himself.
"So, what?" Jesse asked. Their eyes met. Another silent discussion being transmitted. "Hehehe, WHAT???"
"What HAPPENED? You know what!"
"No! Hehehe, I'm not telling!"
Artie looked over at me this time. "Tristan? Honey? Tell me what happened?"
Jesse put his hand over my mouth to keep me quiet, "Don't you dare! Hehehe! 'Stuff' happened. That's all he needs to know."
"Awww, you guys are no fun." Artie smirked. Then, with a wicked gleam in his eye, he slowly pushed himself back in Jesse's desk chair...slowly rolling back on its wheels. I watched as he reached over to the small tripod next to him. The one with Jesse's camera on it.
He looked at us as he unscrewed the little widget holding the camera in place. His smile widened as he took it loose.
Jesse gave him a sideways look. "What are you up to?"
"Oh, nothing." Artie said.
I heard a little blip as he turned the camera on and began to fiddle with it. His mischievous stare kept peeking up at us as he whistled innocently to himself.
Jesse looked at me, then back at Artie. "I don't believe you. You're not gonna fool me because...well, because I just don't believe you."
"I know. M'kay..." Artie said. Then, his eyes suddenly widened and his jaw dropped as he held the camera close to his chest! "Oh MY! My oh my oh my!!!!"
Suddenly, Jesse jumped up and reached out for the camera! Artie yanked it back from him before he could touch it. "C'mon! No way! You didn't..."
"Me? NO! I didn't! Promise!" Artie declared. "Now...if you don't mind, I've gotta go home for another ten minutes. K? Be right back!"
Jesse tried his best to get it, but Artie was too fast for him, giggling madly as he tried to keep the camera from him. Jess almost had it, and Artie was too scrawny to really overpower him, muscle for muscle. So Artie slid down to the floor, and literally scampered his way between Jesse's legs in an attempt to get away!
Luckily, Jesse swiveled around and grabbed his buddy around the waist, lifting him up and slamming him back down on the bed. All I could do was laugh and move out of the way while both boys giggled and squirmed on top of one another, fighting for that camera, until Artie was laying on his stomach with Jesse on top of him. "GIVE IT UP!" Jesse chuckled.
"Nuh unh! It's mine! I wanna see the whole thing!"
"What whole thing? Artie, what did you DO?"
"NOTHIN'! Just...let me take it home and bring it back, and I'll let you see. Hehehe!" Artie said. He tried his best, but after a couple of tickles in his ribs, Artie was convulsing and squealing so loud that Jesse's mom told us to 'tone it down' in here. So Artie finally gave it up, breathlessly getting away from Jesse's oppressive grip.
Jesse was quick to flip the camera over and look for whatever naughty content that might lurking in there.
There was a breathless moment or two, where I thought that maybe we were caught, red handed. But once I saw Artie cover his mouth with his hand and start snickering, I knew better.
Jesse said, "What the...? There's nothing on here!" Artie started laughing out loud, his light voice bouncing off the walls as he held his flat belly and curled up in a ball. "You punk!"
"Hahaha! The look on your FACE! Omigod!" Artie's tiny sock feet were kicking as he celebrated a well played ruse over his best bud. "What were you two doing in here that would make you so nervous?" Jesse raised his fist as though he was going to slug him somewhere, and Artie flinched a few times, but the two of them just ended up sharing the laugh and falling back on the bed.
"You are SO, bad, Artie!" I said, giggling to myself.
Jesse said, "I swear, he wasn't spanked enough as a child."
"It's your fault for falling for it!" Artie teased. "I wouldn't wanna watch a porno with YOU in it, anyway!" He stuck his tongue out at him, but then straightened up and said to me, "That's not directed at you though, Tristan. You can...you know...you can make whatever kinda videos you want. I'm not gonna, like...stop you, or anything. K?"
"Is that so? Are you sure?" I said, still blushing.
He nodded. "You wanna borrow Jesse's camera? Like for the whole weekend?" Jesse elbowed Artie in the side. "WHAT? Don't worry, I'll let you watch it too, when I finish! Hehehe!"
Calling the little brat's bluff, I batted my lashes and said, "Mmmm...you know what? I think I'm getting some ideas already."
There was only a momentary pause before Artie's eyes lit up, and he suddenly scooted forward to the foot of the bed before Jessie could restrain him. "Really? Can you whisper them in my eye? I can, like....storyboard them for you. In detail."
I think his voice squeaked with excitement, and I just leaned in to give him a quick kiss on the cheek for being cute.
Artie pretended to faint, falling back on the bed and closing his eyes while he tried to hide his smile from us. Unconvincingly, I might add.
It was at this point that I think Jesse started to feel a little jealous himself. Hehehe, I thought it was so adorable, the way he just claimed me all the time like that. He was never angry or possessive about it, but I could tell when he drew me a little closer to his hip. If for no other reason than to make sure the competition knew that he was willing to fight for me if he had to.
Trust me...he didn't have to.
We did have a lot fun for the next hour or two that I spent with them. Those two are every bit as wacky as they are in their videos. When you get them together, you can't help but to embrace every spontaneous moment of hilarity that they share with one another. It was quite the experience to see how in tune they were, but...there was a part of me that felt like I was monopolizing Jesse all to myself. I didn't want to make Artie feel like a third wheel or anything, but every time Jesse's eyes met mine, he'd lean forward and kiss me gently on the lips, and I'd be lost all over again. I was still tingling from the major orgasm that I had just unloaded in his mouth earlier, and I could have gone for a hundred more if I thought we could get away with it.
One kiss. Two kisses. Three kisses. And soon, Jesse and I were totally making out, tongues and all, while Artie tried to...'not notice', I guess. I kept getting so wrapped up in my boyfriend that it was hard not to block out the rest of the world and just drain as much sensual pleasure out of every moment that I possibly could. My GOD, Jesse's lips were sooooo soft. He really knew how to kiss. Just the right pressure, jus the right movement, just the right moisture. I can't really count Jason Fixx as a fair comparison, as he always did just enough to get laid, and not much more. But you could really FEEL Jesse's emotions when he kissed you. When he placed his hand lightly on my hip, and moved it up and down my side. He knew just how to touch me. I gave him my heart, and he knew how to decode every hidden message that my body language sent him...shifting his approach to enhance the feeling, tenfold. I kept having to pull myself away from him once I realized how quiet the room had gotten. "Sorry..." I said to Artie. He waved it off as though it was no big deal, but...just a minute or two later, Jesse was touching my hand again. Touching my thigh again. And then lightly caressing the side of my face, turning me to look him in the eye before he connected those pillowy soft lips to mine again. Taking my breath away. Forcing my heart to pound in my chest as if it was looking to alert the warden of a prison fire.
I can't remember ever feeling this helpless.
I tried to stop, but it wasn't easy. I missed Jessie's tongue the second it left my mouth. I missed the warmth of his hug. A this point...I was almost tempted to just ask Jesse to lock the bedroom door so we could go for a much more satisfying approach to this whole lustful infatuation thing. Even if it meant letting Artie watch.
Why was I so addicted to touching him? I think my brain was still trying to determine whether or not any of this was real. I kept trying to wake up from a fantasy that didn't exist. I actually exhausted my own emotions at one point and just had to hold onto his arm and lay my head on his shoulder for a while. I mean, I clung to that one arm and just...ok, I know this sounds weird...but I just leaned over and inhaled the scent of him through the fabric of his shirt. Then I kissed his shoulder. And then his neck. Once my heart started racing again, I let out this small whimper and was hopelessly drawn in to start tongue kissing him again. This time even harder. As though my entire being was forcing me to 'binge' on his affections after being away from them for, what...five minutes, maybe?
This was SO obsessive! I didn't know how to stop. If Artie hadn't been sitting at that computer running through some of the editing software and stuff...if he and Jesse hadn't been talking about the next video in between kisses, I would have pulled Jess on top of me and humped and wiggled until I came for the second time. I needed him so badly. It was a little frightening to be this intense over one boy.
I actually began to feel my heart sinking as I saw the sky outside his bedroom window getting darker. I knew that I had to be going soon. My mind was trying to think up a dozen reasons that I could tell my mom when I called her to let he know that I was on my way home. It hurt. Can you imagine that? It actually hurt me to think that I'd have to force myself to separate from the greatest love that I've ever known and go back to something as stupid as...'everyday life' again.
My arms wrapped themselves around Jesse's arm tight enough to almost cut off the circulation, my nose and lips smashed up against his shoulder as I closed my eyes and tried to savor the last few moments that we'd have together. God, I wanted to cry!
"Are you ok?" Jesse asked, rubbing my hands and giving me a kiss on the forehead. I wanted to answer verbally, but I was afraid that my voice would give away the anguish and desperation that I was feeling at that moment. So I just nodded slightly, and hid my teary eyes by burying my face even deeper into his shoulder than before.
The time went by too quickly. I didn't get enough. I just wanted more. Isn't that fair? Can't I love something enough to ask for more when it makes me feel this way?
Soon, just as I expected...my phone rang. The caller ID showed that it was from home. I really REALLY didn't want to answer it! SERIOUSLY!
My mom asked where I was and said that it was getting late. She wanted me home for dinner. I was so enraptured in my new boyfriend that I actually got choked up over the idea of having to say goodbye. I told her, "Ok. Yeah, just...I'll catch the next bus out. K?" My eyes were starting to get all misty, and when I hung up the phone, I kissed Jesse on the cheek and just...sighhh...I just wrapped my arms around him as if I'd never see him again. How long had I been holding him like this? I must seem so clingy right now.
"I'm fine." I said abruptly. I have to...I have to go soon. So..." Why did it fucking ache so much? It hurt even worse when Jesse's pretty eyes stared into mine with a bit of concern as to what was going on with me. I was so overwhelmed by a sudden burst of emotion that I had to lean forward and kiss him before he got worried about the turbulence going on in the very core of me. My eyes closed when my lips met his, and I felt a tear roll both of my cheeks. Was I happy? Was I sad? I don't KNOW!!! That's the fucked up part of it all! I just...I didn't want to let go. You know? I couldn't stand to let my Jesse go...
I think he was a bit confused by my subtle theatrics, but I was able to wipe my eyes on his shirt without him knowing. Or...at least, I don't think he knew. Ugh...why did this afternoon have to be over?
Artie, also noticing how weird I was being all of a sudden, said, "Hey, Tristan...you wanna know what Captain Kirk said to Bruce Lee when they met for the first time?"
I felt Jesse's body tremble a bit as he giggled to himself. "Dude...don't!" He said.
But as I peeked away from Jesse to look at Artie at the desk, he said, "Well, we've got the whipped cream, hehehe....all we need now is the NUTS bitch! Hahahaha!" Artie could barely get it out without cracking up, and I'll have to admit that it did make me smile.
Jesse rolled his eyes and groaned. "He has been telling that joke over and over and OVER again since the first time he heard it."
"Hehehe, it's FUNNY, though!" Artie laughed!
" I swear, Tristan...you're a really bad influence on this boy."
I said, "Don't blame ME! I didn't make it up." Then without thinking, I told them, "I'm pretty sure the boy that told me this would really get a..." I paused for a moment. A short moment, but...I don't know. A strange thought just crossed my mind. "...I'm sure he'd be glad to know that you got such a kick out of it. I think..." The thought crossed my mind again. Heh...crazy. "...I think he'd like that."
Artie gave me a weird look, but it only made me smile.
"Babe...?" Oh wow...it is SO cool to have THE 'Jesse-101' call me 'babe'!
"I'm ok. I've gotta run though. My mom, she's like...you know..."
"Yeah. The dinner Nazi. You told me."
"Yeah...." I sighed. Our eyes connected again, and I saw Artie turn away as we started kissing again. Ok, I'm only making it harder to say goodbye. I'll stop in a second. Five seconds. Five. Four. Three. Two...? Ok....ok, wait...in like TEN seconds! Starting now. No wait...NOW! Oh God, his lips taste so yummy! Ok...30 more seconds? Maybe?
It took real will power to pull away. But I had to go. I really had to like....I had to...
I started kissing him again. This time with even more hunger than before. Then I stopped. "Sorry, Artie..."
"Don't mind lonely ol' me..." Artie said. "...Just keep sucking face until you're done." He smiled when he said it, but...you know, it made me realize that I was overdoing things a bit.
I gave Jesse another kiss. Then another. Followed by three more. Then I looked for my shoes and stuff so I could go. Then I kissed him again. Then we tongue kissed for about a minute or two just outside of his bedroom door. Then I said goodbye to Artie and Jesse walked me to the door. Then we kissed again. Like...a really hot, lingering, kiss with my back pressed up against the wall. Then his mom came out of the kitchen, and we stopped immediately. "Are you leaving us, Tristan? You're welcome to stay for dinner if you like." She said.
"Oh...no thanks, Mrs. Kyler. I need to go. I appreciate the offer though."
"Well, anytime you want to stop by, you're more than welcome." She told me. Is that just something that mom's say, or was that a coincidence?
"Thank you." I said. I was being polite, but I think I felt this subconscious need to 'butch up' a little bit in front of her. I don't know why. I just...I know that Jesse is out of the closet and all, and I know that we're technically 'dating' right now, but...still, it's just considerate to let him decide when the parents know. I guess it's just a common courtesy.
Or...maybe I just made that whole thing up in my head and that common courtesy idea is total bullshit. Either or. Who knows?
Don't judge me. I'm NEW at this!
Jesse looked over his shoulder to make sure his mom had disappeared around the corner again, and then he kissed me on the lips. "Get home safe, k?"
"M'kay." I said, still quivering in my sneakers.
He kissed me again. And again. And then one more time. "I love you, Tristan."
"Love you too." I kissed him again. Ugh...PLEASE, God...don't make me leave! I wrapped my arms around his neck and we started making out again before his mother's footsteps in the background reminded us that we weren't alone. "K. I'll call you tomorrow."
"Tonight. Call me tonight. Please?"
"Hehehe, k. Tonight. I will." I said.
"Promise. Tonight. Soon." I kissed him again. "Very soon!"
"Ok. Cool. I love you." He whispered.
"Love you too."
"I LOVE you, Tristan!"
"Hehehe, Jesse...stop it. This is hard enough as it is." I blushed.
"It's true." He smirked, and kissed my cheek. "Ugh! Omigod, how did I ever live without you???" That's when he started kissing me on the lips again and we struggled to pry our passionate smooches apart long enough for me to take a few steps back. It was the only way to prevent any further 'assaults' on one another. "Love you. Call me!"
"I will." I told him. "Give Artie a slow, wet, blowjob for me." I giggled at Jesse's facial expression.
"I will...definitely NOT be doing that! But I'll be sure to tell him that you made the offer." I saw Jesse standing in that doorway, watching me walk away...and I nearly ran back to him, thinking that I could get in just a FEW more kisses and stop there! But let's be honest...there's not self control when it comes to a boy that amazing. Who am I fooling? Besides, the less questions I have to deflect from my mother, the better.
"Bye, Jesse..." I smiled.
"Bye, 'Hottest Boy Ever'..." He replied, and blew me another kiss from the door.
This is it. This is love. It's got it's claws in me sooooo deep! Is it too much? Sometimes it really feels like it's too much. I'm almost too dizzy to walk straight these days.
I did call Jesse that night. We talked for three hours straight. Nothing sexy, nothing deep. We just...we laughed, you know? He was so cool to talk to. So easy to forget that he was that gigantic YouTube celebrity that so many people flock to, either to look at his videos or just his pretty face. I got on my computer and went to YouTube just to check out his channel and stuff...and it was such a surreal experience this time around. It was like...this famous persona, this completely other version of Jesse that other people get to see and yap about. But he wasn't 'Jesse-101' to me. I got to know Jesse Kyler. The real Jesse. And he was even more incredible than all the glamour and gloss that internet fame could ever hope to imitate on his behalf.
And yet, by the time the morning came...after a restless night of sleep, I couldn't help but to feel like I needed more. I couldn't tell if it was a good feeling. I couldn't tell if it was a bad feeling. I just knew that it was creating this moody gloom over my day from the moment I got out of bed, thickening as I tried harder to ignore it.
I was at school, waiting next to Lori's locker as she rummaged through it for books and supplies, and I was only half paying attention to her. Thoughts of Jessie's smile kept flashing in my mind, and I wanted to reach out and just...touch him again. But I couldn't this time. I was too far away for my kisses to reach him. What time is it? I just want to talk to him for a while. Just for a couple of minutes, so he knows I'm thinking about him.
Lori was still talking and I almost felt like her real life interaction was disrupting my fantasy time with Jesse. She said, "I just don't get it. You know, my dad wouldn't treat me like this if I was a boy. He's such a hypocrite. I've got cousins, boy cousins, and they get to break curfew whenever they want. It's no big deal. But I have to be home earlier than they do. And I HAVE to be on time, or he flips out. He treats me like such a child sometimes..."
"Yeah, yeah, blah blah blah, boo hoo..." I said with a hint of frustration. "Nobody wants to be a woman or a child until the Titanic starts sinking. I'm sure it's all so totally unfair."
With a sideways look, she said, "Ewww, surprise testosterone moment. What's up your ass today?"
With a sigh, I said, "I'm sorry, Lori. I'm not trying to be a dick."
"Well...'fail'. What's wrong?"
"It's...It's Jesse, alright." I told her.
"Jesse? What's wrong with Jesse?" She asked, closing her locker door. "I thought things were going good between you two."
"They ARE. They going great, actually. He's everything that I ever could have dreamed the perfect boyfriend would be. Even more so."
"So what's the issue, then?" She asked.
"I think..." I tried to find a tactful way to say it, but that...that feeling was so hard to pinpoint. So hard to decode, much less articulate in a way that someone else could understand. "I think that he's making me so happy, that I end up being miserable. Does that make sense?"
"Are you...is this a trick question, or...what are we doing here? Try again."
I tried to find a different way to express it that didn't sound like a jumbled mess of 'crazy talk'. "I mean...I can't stop thinking about him, Lori. I CAN'T! I know that people always talk about being in love and stuff, and I can remember being all giddy and nervous about the idea of being with Jesse. But now that we're sort of...a real couple...it's gotten worse. SO much worse. I'm so obsessed that I think I feel actual, physical, pain when I realize how long it'll be until I can see him again. It's all happening so fast. I don't want to smother him by being too intense about all this, but...oh God, Lori...this sucks. I didn't think I'd ever be so 'dependent' on another human being. Sometimes it feels like I can hardly breathe."
"Jesus, Tristan. Look at you. You're visibly squirming right now!" She said, putting a hand on my shoulder as if to keep me from melting and sliding down to the floor.
"Sometimes I just...ugh! I just want to slide up under that boy's SKIN and just...just...hug his soul! I mean, is that wrong?"
"Gee, Tristan, I don't know. The Bible is pretty unclear on the subject of boy on boy soul hugging." She smirked.
"C'mon, Lori. I'm being serious."
"Hehehe, so am I." She said. "Dude, it's ok. You're in love. We all go a little mental when we're in love. Lucky for you, the absolute boy of your dreams happens to love you back. I mean, that's what you wanted right?" I whimpered a quiet and helpless 'yes' under my breath, and she said, "Well, alright then! Enjoy it! Smile! You're so used to being a tortured and lonely soul that you don't know how to relax and appreciate a blessing when you got one. So, you know...knock it off, ya big baby."
It didn't make this unstable feeling go away, but I knew that she had a point. I guess I was just making up reasons to stay scared at this point. "Yeah. You're right. Totally. I'm sorry, I just...shit...every moment that I don't get to see him or touch him or talk to him seems like SUCH a fucking waste of my time! You know?"
"Ouch!" She said. "I enjoy your company too, asshole!"
"You know what I mean, Lori." I gave her a hug around the neck, even though she pretended to pout a little over the comment. "To be honest...I just feel lost right now. That's all it is. It's like...whoever I was before that very first 'Jesse-101' video that we watched together in my bedroom that day...he's gone. He's never coming back. And this new person that I've become? I feel like I don't know him at all. I don't know what to expect from him at any given moment. And without Jesse...I don't even know if that person could continue to exist. So...like...who would I be if this whole thing goes South on me and I end up without a boyfriend? What if he finds somebody else? What if something bad happens to him? What if has to move away for some reason, and we can't meet up to be close anymore? I mean, I'm happy. Really I am. But I'm...scared. I've never felt this way about somebody before. I'm just so 'slippery' inside. You know?"
Lori just smiled at me and said, "Welcome to true love, bud! You asked for it, and you got it. Right between the eyes. Deal with it." Then she said, "If any of that 'slippery' feeling is contagious, make sure to some of it rub off on me. Because I would LOVE to be as mixed up over a boy as much as you are right now." I suppose I'm lucky. Maybe these jitters will go away soon. "Come on, let's go to class."
We continued walking down the hall, with her constantly assuring me that everything about what I was feeling was natural, and me feeling unnatural about it anyway. But I'm not going to back away from my sweet sweet Jesse. I'm too involved now. I'll just have to fight through the ache and give him all the love I can without exploding into a big gay display of rainbow glitter and fireworks.
Easier said than done, right?