And be sure to look for the new redone ebook versions at the
"He Loves Me...He Loves Me Not"
Did my run in with Jason Fixx screw my head up and make things ten times worse for me than ever before?
Of *COURSE* it did! It ROYALLY fucked with my head. And my heart. And my stomach! And my NUTS weren't too far behind on the damage list!
What is it about me that's so entranced by him that I'm willing to stick my neck out and risk getting my emotions shredded all over again. God, I look forward to the day when I just don't need him anymore.
Lori had the right idea all along. I should have totally ditched Jason and went on about my business without giving him the benefit of the doubt about his true intentions. But I fucked up. I let myself get weakened by his looks and his charm. Or better yet...I got weakened by my own cravings for easy, risk free, affection. Something that wasn't hard to get if I really needed it. Even if it didn't last. I know that Jason doesn't think about anybody but himself. I KNOW that he doesn't love me. He just uses me to feel good whenever he wants. And when I say no he gets pissed and the insults start flying. So if I know all of this...why do I keep letting him hurt me this way? Now my most intimate feelings have this stupid cramp in their framework. It feels like I'm even less of a person than I was before I talked to him. I'm so stupid for being such an idiot after all this time. More than anything, I hate myself for still wanting him this way. Because I still do, you know? Want him. Sighhhh....
At this point, I just wanna 'forget' about him. I wanna pretend that the whole loveless relationship never happened and move on without having to deal with it any longer. He'll eventually forget about me and find some other cute boy to put the moves on. Somebody who can give him all the love and sex and confidence and attention that he could ever want, without any question or shame. A puppet that will be exactly what he wants him to be. Give up your soul and your free will...and he'll reward you with the kind of sex that most high school gay boys can only dream about. I'm not that boy. I sometimes wish I was...but I'm not.
I moped around school hallways like a ghost caught in limbo for the rest of the afternoon, not really having the strength to really lift my eyes off of the floor. There I go, letting somebody make a total sissy out of me again. Lori was gonna kick my ass if she saw me like this. I just didn't want to deal with Lady 'I Told You So' today. She'd be fuming from the time I got in her sister's car until the time she dropped me off at my front door. The last thing I needed was another frustrated lecture. She's an awesome friend, I just...I've got enough on my mind right now.
I made sure to sneak out of one the other doors when the final bell rang for the day. I slung my backpack over my right shoulder and started the long walk home. Sometimes I see some of the other boys as they're leaving school. All buddy buddy and friendly with each other. I have to admit, even though I know for a fact that I wouldn't fit in with them at all, I kinda envied that level of companionship. I keep wondering whether they'd accept me if I could, like...learn how to play basketball or something. If my interests were just a little more male oriented. Do I come off as being stuck up and preppy or something? Or is it the fear of everything gay that keeps them at such a distance from me. I TRY not to be...you know...swishy. But maybe I can't help it. I can't change my voice. I can't control my mannerisms. They just kinda...'happen'. I'm not doing it on purpose. I don't even know where I learned it from. It's just who I am. Is every boy at this school just too macho to hang out with me once in a while. The most masculine influence I have in my life is Scotty Lynch. How sad is that?
I made sure to stay off of the main streets, as I was sure that Lori and Michelle would come looking for me once they realized I had jetted on them. I think I just needed some time to be alone with my thoughts. That's all. You know, I wonder if Jesse-101 has guy friends. Besides Artie that is. How awesome that must be. To sit around and talk about cute guys and joke around all day. They have soooo much fun together. I know I'm obsessing over him again, but sometimes I can't help myself. It's a bittersweet pain. He's so close and yet so far away. He looked so amazing at that table in the food court. And he was funny. And charming. And sweet. He offered me nachos. I mean, who does that to a total stranger? Only sweet boys do that kind of thing. He was....um....yeah. He was awesome. More awesome than I deserve. Ugh, I'm depressing myself. This is not good. Stop it, Tristan. Just get home so you can slam your face into a pillow and take a few minutes to decide whether you want to cry yourself to sleep or not.
Stupid Jason Fixx! I hope he gets eaten by rabid wolves on his way home. And I hope they start at the penis!
I got home and came in the back door to see my mom washing out a few dishes in the sink. "Hey..." I said, just trying to keep my head down and make it to my bedroom without much in the way of conversation.
"Well, wait...do you want a snack or...?" She asked, but I cut her off.
"No thanks. Homework." I never stopped walking. I just went into my room and shut the door, dumping my backpack at the foot of my bed and sitting at my desk. I think I stared off into space for a few moments. Not really thinking about anything, just...giving myself some time to feel what I was feeling. I couldn't really define it. It was like this...emotional numbness. But it didn't take the pain away. Like shutting your finger up in a car door. The shock might keep you from feeling the pain in full, but it doesn't block out anything. You know it's there. And you know it's gonna totally reduce you to tears of unrestricted AGONY once it settles in. What are you doing, Tristan? Seriously. You've got feelings for one boy who couldn't care less about you if he tried. And you've got feelings for another boy who doesn't even exist outside the confines of a 19 inch monitor. Great. Just great.
Loneliness is not just being without somebody to love. True loneliness is loving somebody that you can't get close to because they won't let you. I think I was better off just shutting my lovey dovey emotions off and living the life of a virgin priest in the making.
I turned on my computer. Don't know why I was checking my email. Just a habit, I guess. I don't really have anybody to write me except for Lori anyway, and I was dreading that email. In fact, who was I kidding...she's probably just going to call me so she can bitch me out and make it personal. I don't know, maybe I deserve it. Maybe a swift kick in the pants will break me out of my funk. I'm tired of searching for a reason to smile these days.
I browsed around the net for a while, but I always made a stop at Jesse's YouTube site, just in case. He posts stuff erratically, but often. So I never knew when something new was going to pop up out of nowhere. I kinda liked the surprise, to tell you the truth. It's like...a birthday gift in the middle of the week. If anything can put a grin on my face, it was watching Jesse smile first. Even if it was an old favorite of mine. He only had 48 videos on his account, and I swear that I knew them all, word for word.
I clicked my saved link...and his site came up with his picture in the background. Sighhh...he's sooooooo gorgeous. I actually whimpered out loud as I sat back in my chair and spread my legs. I could stare into those bright blue eyes all day.
There wasn't anything new posted but I noticed that had recently been by, and when I looked at the activity box, it said that Jesse had posted a new message not more than fifteen minutes ago. It was short, and to the point:
"I'll be uploading my latest video in a bit! But right now I'm looking at PORN because my mom's not home! So lemme alone! I'll be quick! :P"
Hehehe, omigod! He could be so uncontrollably cute when he wanted to be. I don't know if he was kidding or not...probably not, knowing Jesse. But the image it put in my head was a hot one. What if he was really telling the truth. Like...what if he was on the other side of this screen...with his pants around his ankles...watching some hot gay action online...breathing hard...perspiring as he stroked himself....eyes closed....those sweet pink lips parted slightly as his thighs spread wide....
Oh wow...I had to scoot down a bit in my chair and press down on my hardness just to keep from straining myself to the point of breaking my 'equipment'. I don't remember when I decided to lower my zipper, but it took some of the pressure off. Thank God. Jesse...pleasuring himself in front of a computer screen. I would PAY to see that. All I have. All my MOM had too. I'd end up homeless on the street without two nickels to rub together...and it would be worth it. I'd smile the rest of my days, just knowing that I got to see Jesse pleasing himself. Imagine....if he let me help him out....
I heard a knocking at my door. Sigghhhhh....of COURSE! Perfect timing, as always. "I'm OK, Mom. I'm not hungry." I said. There was no answer, but a few seconds, there was an even lighter tapping at my bedroom door. "What???" I said, trying not to sound too angry. Fuck! I shot up out of my chair and stomped across the room. I was still hard as a rock with my zipper open, but I could just peek around the door and tell her I was taking a nap or something. No need for a full 'Mom-invasion' right now. "Mom, I said..." But I stopped right away. It was Scotty Lynch. What the hell was Scotty Lynch doing knocking on my bedroom door??? Why the fuck was he even in my HOUSE???
"Hey..." He said timidly. "...you're mom let me in. She told me to knock..."
I had to fight to keep from grinding my teeth together in anger. "Well....wasn't that sweet of her?" I shouted out a bit louder than normal, "THANKS A LOT, MOM!" And I had no choice but to step aside and let Scotty in. Pest or not, I'm really not one for being cruel. Rude, on occasion, if I think it'll serve my purpose. But not cruel. Besides...being unnecessarily mean to Scotty Lynch is like kicking a turtledove with a broken wing, you know? It's just...not a good feeling.
The thing is, Scotty was already in my room and heading over to sit on my bed by the time I realized that I was still pretty stiff in front, and my pants were still unzipped. Not only that, but I still had 'Jesse-101' on my computer screen. Right there for him to see. I was seriously stuck as to which one was most important at that moment, but found myself instinctively racing for my computer first.
I quickly sat down in my desk chair and spun around, moving over so Scotty couldn't see what I was looking at. Then I shut off my monitor, leaving the computer on. The screensaver will pop in a few minutes, but for now...the faster I get anything 'gay' off of my screen, the better. The LAST thing I needed was Scotty realizing that the odds of us being...ewww...'together', were more in his favor than he originally thought. He'd be IMPOSSIBLE to get rid of if he knew that.
"I'm sorry." He said. "You're not buy or anything, are you?" Oh man...i only it was that easy. If I could just say yes, and he'd get up and leave. But...whatever. He's not that bad. I'm just in a crappy mood. I'm always in a crappy mood
"Nah, it's ok. I was just laying here anyway. What's up?"
"Nothing really." He said. "I was gonna go to the park with some friends, but one of them is sick. So I figured I'd bomb over here and see what you were doing." He took a deep breath, and I thought he was going to keep talking, but when the silence lasted a bit longer than expected, I looked at him. And he smiled at me, a rosy blush appearing in his cheeks. "OH...um....I...I got a catalogue thingy...um...you know, for your shoes?"
"Yeah..." He said, lowering his voice until I had to strain just to hear him. "...I was gonna...make you a pair for you. Ummm, remember?" He said, only taking tiny peeks at me as he tried to bashfully avoid my eyes. "I mean....if you still want me to, that is."
He was so hopeful. How could I say no? "Oh right. Yeah, sure. So...what do I have to do? I mean, how do you design them and all?"
Scotty smiled, and before I knew what was happening, he slid down to the floor and was tugging at my leg to spin me around in my chair to face him. "Well, the best is when I actually have you put them on, and then I can paint them right on your feet. It's like you get a say in how they look and stuff. And I can get a feel for how....um...for how...they......." Scotty's voice trailed off, and his breath suddenly got caught in his throat. I was confused by his halted speech until I saw where his eyes were focusing. I had lost most of my erection during our short conversation, but I'm sure that I was still 'showing' a little bit. And my zipper was still open. And there was Scotty...on his knees in front of me, eye level with something that he seemed to want with every fiber of his being...and as he tried to regain his breathing and lightly licked his lips...I suddenly closed my thighs to cover myself up a bit. All he saw was my underwear, but it was a hell of a lot more than he had ever seen before now. I don't think he even realized how hard he was staring at it until I reacted to the embarrassment.
"Uhhh...wow. I'm sorry." I said, blushing myself, and lifting my hips to sip up my fly again. "I don't know how that...happened. This zipper is..I think it's just...broken or something..."
"No, it's....um...it's...." He sighed.
"I didn't mean for you to..."
"Nah, no biggie. I didn't even really notice..."
"It was all in your face like that, hehehe, that's just gross, right?"
"NO! No...it's not gross at all. I thought it was....I thought it was..." Scotty's mouth went dry and he cleared his throat. "...I um...I...." Then he shook his head free of the daze and he nervously asked me, "What....what was I talking about?"
"The um....the shoes?"
"RIGHT! The....the shoes." He said. He looked me in the eye again, and I watched as he literally started trembling at my feet. "I was just...I was thinking that....if you wore them while I painted them for you that...uhhh...um...." Scotty stopped for a minute. I saw his eyes look down at his own growing bulge in his pants. He was so outdone that he could hardly concentrate on putting one word in front of the other. I was SO humiliated. I think my eyes went down to look at the front of his pants by instinct, and his head instantly snapped back up to stare me in the eyes. "SHOES! So...I can paint them when I get the new blanks! And....I'll make them! And...and yeah!" He was talking really loud. Really fast. And I think a sweat began to break out on his forehead. Suddenly, he looked down again, and he turned himself away from me. It was like...the most awkward motion EVER! Hahaha! Omigod, is little Scotty Lynch getting hard because of me? Oh wow, that's adorable!
"Scotty...?" I started, but he suddenly stood up and turned his back to me completely.
"Nothing!" He said out of the blue.
"Nope! Nothing!" He said again. He pulled his pants up a bit by his belt loops, then lowered them again. Then sat back down on my bed with his legs closed. then he tried to cross his legs, but that must have hurt him, because he instantly sat forward and uncrossed them again. Then he stood up and turned his back to me again. "You know what? I've gotta....I've gotta go. It's almost dinner time."
"Dinner time? Scotty, it's like 4:30...."
"Yep! Dinner time! I'll be back tomorr...I mean, next wee...or just...whenever. I'll be back. See ya!" And before I could even laugh at his strange behavior, Scotty charged out of my room and down the hall. I heard the front door slam shut, and I couldn't help but to fall back laughing. Hahaha! Awwww, don't worry! I wasn't really laughing at him like that! I just...it was cute, you know? I didn't think I had that kind of effect on the poor kid. YIKES! What would happen if I ever actually 'wrestled' with him like he asked me to? I'd be scrubbing my jeans clean for a week straight.
Leave it to Scotty to give me the smile I needed today. It didn't make the pain go away, but it was definitely a highlight of my day. You know...if I could force myself to love a boy like that...I'd never spend another lonely day on this planet. I'm sure of it.
Note to self...wear plenty of non-revealing clothing whenever Scotty decides to come over and start touching my feet. I don't want to accidentally put him into a three day coma or anything by flashing him my yum yum treats.
I was anxious to turn my monitor back on. But had to shake my brain free of the vision of Scotty Lynch racing into his bathroom to beat himself silly. He seems like the kind of boy that would go way too fast and furious on himself. I'm sure it'll be the most intense 15 seconds of his day. I cannot believe that I'm still thinking about this. You'd think it would be an ego stroke for me but...um...not quite. ANYWAY...back to Jesse!
I watched his site come back up, and kept hitting the reload button every few minutes so I wouldn't miss a thing. I'm sure there are other people out there who are just as psychotic about him as I am, right? I mean, there's gotta be. I wonder if he remembers Saturday like I remember Saturday. I wonder if he remembers me at all, or if I was just some weird stalker fan that he probably has to deal with on a weekly basis, if not daily. If I fell just one step short of 'irritating' in his eyes, then I'll consider that a huge leap up from my previous expectations.
Then, as I got more and more eager to see that golden smile of his again...something weird crossed my mind. Like...what if he did think about me since Saturday? Like...like what if this new video gets posted, and he like...he like says hello to me or something??? Like, a little shout out to let me know he had fun. I mean, that seems pretty farfetched, but what if he actually does it? Would I be getting my hopes up and preparing for a hideous crash and burn by even thinking this way? I probably am. Ugh! There's something about an irresistible crush that makes you feel like you're more important than you really are. I'm just...I'm being weird.
But still...you know...
At long last, the reload button caused the screen to shift slightly...and there was a brand new upload available for viewing! It was titled, 'Three The Hard Way', and there was a pic of Jesse wearing this really cute, bright green, t-shirt. He looks amazing no matter what he's wearing, but this shirt made his eyes sparkle. And it made his blond bangs look even lighter and softer than usual. And that made his lips look more pink. And he just...wow...am I really drooling over a video still when I could be watching the actual video? I've got to STOP being so freakin' GOOFY over this boy! Calm down, Tristan. You're acting like a total spaz right now.
He smiled, and I smiled, and I became aware of this weird fluttering at the base of my ribs. A tender fit of nervous jitters...now further intensified by the idea that maybe...just maybe...I was a significant blip on the Jesse-101 radar, and that I could actually claim to 'know' him on some level. Oh God...that would mean the world to me. The whole world.
The scene cut away to a toilet flushing with shredded pieces of paper spiraling down into it. Too bad...because seeing him naked would have been high on MY list of stuff to watch for.
I think I blushed just seeing him be his usual playful self. But there was always a tingle that ran through me whenever he talked about sex. It literally caused me to squirm in my chair.
I saw Artie slide in from the side of the screen and give a timid wave to the camera.
Artie nodded without any guilt about it whatsoever, and they got on with it.
The camera switched to a scene where Jesse was actually standing in the middle of a street, waiting for the light to change. Right on the white line, grinning and looking really nervous, but holding his ground. He had three balled up socks in his hands, and kept looking behind him for the traffic to start. I guess Artie was holding the camera, and then the light turned green.
He giggled, and once traffic was moving in both directions around him, he started juggling. It was the most awkward series of motions that I had ever seen in my life, a soundtrack of generic circus music playing along with the video. Jesse turned bright red in the face, and valiantly tried to keep the socks in the air for more than a toss or two. He kept dropping them over and over again, making him laugh even harder each time. Even Artie was cracking up, the camera jiggling as he tried to keep from doubling over.
Every time Jesse dropped one of the balls, a loud buzzer would go off, and the word 'FAIL' would flash across the screen. He edited the whole thing down to about 15 seconds...but he must have dropped them at LEAST ten times in that time period. Including once where he dropped it on the windshield of a moving car and to run to get it back. Wow...he really can't juggle for shit. At least he's honest.
But they obviously had a hell of a lot of fun doing it.
The next thing I saw was Jessie walking around a shopping center parking lot, and trying to hold his smile back as he strolled past a few people walking back to their cars. Then, picking some poor sucker at random, he suddenly jumped up and shouted right in some guys face!
Omigod, the guy practically jumped out of his skin, and Jesse started laughing so hard that he could hardly walk away from the guy before he recovered from the shock. I burst out laughing and had to pause the video as I held my stomach! I can't believe that he just did that! It was mean, but only Jesse could make that kind of mischief look so damn adorable.
There were three or four more victims lined up for Jesse's attack, and every jump scare was funnier than the last. Especially the one where these two high school girls were obviously checking him out...and he spun around and terrified the SHIT out of them! The gag ended though when some guy almost dropped his groceries and seemed pretty upset about it. Jesse apologized for it, but the second the guy walked away, he burst out laughing again, and I saw the camera go sideways as Artie fell to the pavement, nearly in tears.
That's when the scene went back to the both of them sitting on Jessie's bed.
Artie covered his face with a silent giggle as Jesse gave him a look from the side. Then he winked at the camera.
Artie held up the number 6 with his hands, and the both blushed deep red.
I heard my chair creak as I leaned forward with interest. I think the entire 'Jesse-101' community held a collective breath as the two boys looked at each other with a giggle. They were speechless. I didn't know if he was actually gonna do it, or if it was just going to be another one of his tricks. He's been known to get me all hot and bothered without delivering the goods before. But there was something about their bashfulness, and the way Artie kept hiding his face, even while both of them were trying not to laugh, that made me think they might actually go through with it this time.
He said to Artie, who lowered his head and giggled sweetly again. Avoiding his eyes.
Artie gave him a playful shove, and their eyes met for a second. They stared at one another, but once Jesse smiled, Artie started snickering and they both laughed about it again.
Artie shrugged, and they both set off each other's giggles again.
Artie straightened up, his slim little shoulders shaking gently as he prepared himself. Then, just before Jesse started counting, he says...
And that just made Artie fall on the floor as they both started cracking up all over again. It was the most sound that anyone had ever heard come out of Artie on camera, his girlish laugh ringing through the air as he had no means of containing it. They had to cut the video in order to get themselves together and regain their composure. I was literally bouncing on the balls of my feet at this point. Do it! Awww, it would be so cute! Do it! I wish it was me!
Finally, they were sitting back on his bed, facing each other, and trying to keep a straight face again.
Artie nodded, and Jesse took a deep breath, but looked back at the camera.
Artie's blush deepened, and he reached over to put his hand up in front of the camera lens, but Jesse pulled it down.
Artie put his hands at his side, and they were quiet, but still smiling.
And before my eyes, Jesse leaned forward and pressed his lips against Artie's...causing me to gasp out loud and put my hand over my mouth. Whoah.....oh...oh wow. Like....WOW! I'd never seen Jesse kiss anybody before. It was like...this sudden swirl of arousal, and surprise, and jealousy, and excitement, that began racing through me at that moment. I think they almost started to laugh again as they were doing it, but they held it together for the full five seconds, and then separated with a grin. Hottest five seconds ever posted to YouTube!
They were both soooo embarrassed, but Jesse, always the goofball, reached out for a hug.
He whined, and Artie laid his head on his shoulder as they pretended to cuddle.
He said with Artie shaking his head in agreement.
I watched the video freeze at the end. The little red line had stretched itself all the way out to the end of the timer line. The screen went dim, and the moment had passed me by.
I know that I was stepping outside of the realm of common sense when I thought he'd mention me. Why would he? But it didn't stop this really distant ache in my heart from suddenly swelling up to ten times it's size and spreading out over my chest. It soured my stomach, and burned in the back of my throat. Did I dream our whole encounter together? Did it matter to him, or am I just being silly again. I KNEW not to get my hopes up. Why do I feel like I've been tricked? Rejected? Denied access to the one thing that truly took me outside of myself and made everything in my life turn to candy? I thought I was prepared for it...but I guess I wasn't.
Maybe Jason was right. Maybe love only goes about as far as how somebody else feels, and who they're willing to use to feel that way. Jesse's got an audience of like 1000 people...what could he possibly need from me specifically that would make me different? At the end of the day, I wasn't even sure that I had much to offer other than being another adoring fan. So much for being a blip on his radar. He's probably nice to everybody.
I heard my phone ringing, but when I saw Lori's name on it, I refused to pick it up. I'll just tell her I lost it in the sofa cushions or something. Whatever. If I start talking to her now, she's just gonna yell at me some more for feeling this way. I'm just going to keep my distance from her for the rest of the night. And as much distance as possible for the rest of the week too. I don't think I'm going to the Hillside mall again on Saturday. It would be a waste of time. Even worse, if Jesse and Artie think I'm being 'creepy', they'll stop going there just to avoid running into me. Somehow, I just didn't think things were going to turn out this way.
Sometimes it's better to just quit while you're ahead, you know?
And be sure to look for the new redone ebook versions at the