"Just By Chance"
I only see him in flashes.
Small, short, exhilarating moments in the hallway. Never for more than a few mouthwatering seconds as I pass by him, trying to absorb as much of his beauty with my staring eyes as I possibly can while trying to navigate between a hundred other students. All obstacles between me and him. It was always the same. Me on the right side of the hallway, and him walking towards me on the left side. Separated by only a few feet, but it felt like I was always miles away from him. He was so untouchable. However, every now and then, if I move through the crowd just right, sometimes I get lucky...and I can gently graze my shoulder against his as the masses push us closer together. It seems like such a little thing when you think about it...but those few seconds are the most unbelievably exciting parts of my day. I don't know why I would want to put value on anything else.
His name is Jason, and I've pretty much been drooling over him since I started my Freshman year here in high school. It was a big place, much bigger than the compact little world of Middle School. This was like several Middle Schools combined...and the added eye candy was AMAZING in this place! I can't walk anywhere without having my neck twisting to mentally worship another pretty face. They're everywhere. I knew they said high school would be different...but this is just plain awesome.
You would think that actually finding myself a 'favorite' in a building filled with cute teen boys would be nearly impossible. But you haven't seen Jason smile. You haven't seen the way his bright green eyes seem to snatch your attention away from everything you could possibly be thinking about and focus on him. You haven't seen the way his shirt clings to that flat athletic chest and slim hips without a single wrinkle. You haven't seen the way his mixed medium length, sandy brown, sandy blond, hair tickles the sides of his cheeks when he walks. And when he flicks it to the side with a little jerk of his head....sighhhhhh. It's enough to drive any closeted gay boy CRAZY! I may only get to see him in short flashes...but it's enough to know that he's about as dreamy as God could make him.
The question now, of course, is...is he gay? Always a tough one to figure out, especially with me being completely terrified of the idea of talking to him and all. It's not like I have a lot of chances to just 'strike up' a conversation. He's 16. He's a Junior. We don't have a single class together, nor will we ever have a class together. A bad case of me being born two years too late. Juniors don't talk to Freshmen. Actually...I don't think ANYBODY talks to Freshmen except for other Freshmen. So I'm stuck sneaking dreamy glances at him during passing periods and occasional run-ins in the school parking lot. Yeah...he drives too Is that CUTE, or what?
Anyway, from what I've gathered in the past few months...there's at least a little bit of a chance. He doesn't have a girlfriend. I've never seen him with a girl at all. Of course, he might be hiding one somewhere else, but I've never seen him walking, driving, or even talking with a girl. And I pass him at least five times in a day, so I'd notice. Also, there's something about him that seems sorta...I don't know...slight, you know? Gentle. Not really 'feminine'...but more delicate than your average GUY guy. It's hard to explain. It's just a vibe that I get from him sometimes. Especially when I stare for too long, and he looks back at me. It's like swallowing a fucking brick! Those green eyes meet mine and suddenly I'm so dizzy and overwhelmed that I can hardly keep my breakfast down. It's intimidating as hell to have him see me eye to eye...but in those few panicky moments of eye contact...I really feel like...like...he just MIGHT be into boys. Call me crazy, but I really don't think it's wishful thinking on my part. Let's just hope that my master plan today goes off without a hitch.
"Noah...you coming? I need to borrow your Chem book, dude." I heard the voice before snapping out of my infatuated haze, and turned to see my friend Matt walking beside me.
"Again? What for?" I asked him.
"I've still got four more assignments to make up before the next report card numbers go in. I can't bring home another 'D' in Chemistry, my dad will literally murder me."
I shuffled over to the side of the hall so we could stop walking, and reached into my backpack to give him the book. "You could avoid these last minute rushes if you just did your homework when it was actually due, for a change."
"Too busy having fun, bro." He took the book, and I looked up, catching the last few microseconds of Jason's beauty as he rounded the corner and walked out of my life...yet again. Damn you, Matt, for stealing precious seconds away from our short time together. "Hey...what's that?" He asked me.
"That...on the back of your hand. What is that?" He reached out to take hold of my wrist, and I blushed as I tried to pull my hand back from him. "It's a big...'C'. Why do you have a big 'C' drawn on your hand?"
"No reason. Forget it." I said, hoping to change the subject. Matt wrinkled his forehead a bit with a smirk, and I tried to satisfy his curiosity for the time being. "It's just a mark, that's all. I was bored in my last class, and I just....put it there. That's all. So...no big deal." I lied
"You were bored...so you put a big letter 'C' on the back of your hand in black permanent marker?" He asked with a raised eyebrow.
"Is it really that serious? I thought you had catch up homework to do." I told him, and he, thankfully, backed off.
"Hey, no need to get hostile. I just think it's a bit weird is all."
"You're one to talk. You used to shave lines into your eyebrows in the 7th grade."
"That...my friend...was a fashion statement. Gone horribly wrong, yes...but the point is...they grew back, I fixed them, and we shall never speak of this mild tragedy ever again." He smiled, and then turned to walk off to his next study hall. "See you at lunch?"
"Yeah. I'll be there." I told him, but I knew I'd be late. The way I see it, I'm still gonna cross paths with Jason a total of four more times today, and I'm pretty sure that I'm gonna chicken out on my master plan at least two of those times...so I'm going to have to wait for him outside when he goes to lunch. I've GOT to! I don't have time to waste, it's gotta be done today.
I've been online for months now, secretly searching for stuff that's...well....'gay'. It was really scary at first, and I was sure that I was gonna get caught just for looking at something gay! But as time went on, and I got more careful about erasing my info trail behind me concerning the sites I've been to, I began to get a little more adventurous. I haven't found a 'clean' way to get into any pay sites yet with AWESOME porn and the hottest boys EVER doing the deed...but I'm working on it. In the meantime, I found some really interesting sites that are 100% free, and don't require any kind of subscription or personal info from me. I can just kinda...'show up' and see what's in there. There aren't any nakey pics on the last site I found, but there are some sexy stories on there. Hey, I'm 14 years old. I'm all for love and affection...but I'm really just looking for some masturbation enhancement right now. And that site helps, believe me.
Anyway, the reason I mentioned it is because I've been watching the message board, and there's somebody on there that sounds JUST like Jason does. Does that sound weird? I mean, I don't even know him all that well, but we had this big 'roll call' thing on the board, and there's a guy named 'Dragonboi16', who's from this part of town, and he's 16 years old. AND...I know Jason likes dragons, because he has, like, three shirts with dragons on them. A blue one, and a red one, and a really cool white one where it looks like the dragon tail is wrapped all the way around his sexy trim waist. Ohhhhhh wow....that's my favorite one, I think. I talked to him online a few times, and he sorta 'sounds' like it might be Jason...but it's kinda hard to tell. And it's even harder to ask. So if they're the same person, it's a mystery to me. But just seeing him on the board and talking to him in the chat room...I know he's gotta be awesome. He's just GOTTA be awesome!
I kinda thought for a while that maybe I was making this all up, but he posts on the board all the time, and one day he mentioned a fire drill that happened at school. There was a fire drill HERE on that same day! So it seems like more than just your average coincidence, you know?
Trust me, I've done my homework over the past few months.
Anyway, this brings me to my master plan!
This website has a couple of 'holidays' during the year, where everybody that is gay and reading it on a regular basis...puts a big letter 'C' on the back of their hand. No matter how young, or how old, or where you are in the world, you put it on and go out to see if you see any others. The first time it happened, I didn't know what it was all about, so I kinda missed it. But THIS time, I thought about trying it out. I'll wear my symbol, and hopefully Jason will wear his, and if I see it, then I'll know for SURE that I'm not crazy, and I might just be able to like....um...talk to him or something. It's a long shot, but even if he's not wearing his, at least I'll be wearing mine. And maybe he'll come over and wanna talk to me FIRST! Ahhh! That would be awesome! But...you know...I'm not getting my hopes up.
It's not the most complex plan ever created, and far from foolproof, but give me a break here. I've got my mind plugged up with hormones right now. YOU try to think with visions of hot butt naked sex running through your mind every 30 seconds!
If this doesn't work today...then I don't know what I'll do. I guess I'll just have to do something desperate. Like...like just 'approach' him out of the blue and say something...kinda...'gay'. Ok, scratch that. I doubt I'll have the guts to just come right out and ask him if I can bury my face and lips in his ballsack! Although I wish I could! After months of silent worship, I want some reward for staying dedicated to his body and nobody else's. Well....hardly anybody else's. Well...ok...let's just say he's my favorite and leave it at that.
I just don't want to make a fool out of myself, that's all. I've never actually asked anybody out before. And it's probably a BIG mistake starting out with one of the cutest boys in school, who's two years older and probably thinks I'm I child in comparison to his other classmates. Classmates he'd probably rather be with, even if he is gay. But...as much as it scares me, I'm gonna try anyway. He doesn't strike me as being mean spirited in any way.So, even if I'm totally wrong about him, the worst he can say is 'no', right? I can deal with that. It'll hurt for a while...a LONG while...but I'll get over it eventually. A lot of other cute boys where he came from. Besides, regret tends to last forever. I've already got two or three boys that I let run right past me and out of my life without ever saying a word to any of them. And every day, the idea of me not even giving it a shot sucks even more than it did the day before. I don't wanna add Jason to that list.
Time ticks by. Slowly when I want it to hurry up. Quickly when I get scared and want it to slow down a bit. Time is funny that way, I guess. I tried to pay attention to our in class reading for "Of Mice And Men"...but all I could really concentrate on was coming up with the words to say to Jason when I saw him next. When I pass him in the hall after this class, do I just...like...take him by the arm and pull him over to the side? Do I follow him to his next class and try to talk to him then? Do I just...um..say hello to him and hope that he stops to talk? What if he doesn't, and he just keeps on walking? Shit..ok, I should probably work that out first, before thinking of ways to ask him out. Actually, I should look for his 'C' mark first, and THEN I'll get an idea of whether or not I'm waiting my time here. Unless...unless of course he's gay but doesn't read the same site. Or he's gay and just didn't wear his mark. Or...awww FUCK! There's no way to get around the 'high risk' factor in this is there? Ok, fuck it then....
I pulled out a wrinkled piece of scratch paper, got a pen, and wrote as small as humanly possible so no one else around me could see what I was doing. I hunched over and covered it with my free hand, like I was just taking really tiny notes on the story, and tried to get my plan straightened out in my head. When I get out of this class, I'm gonna meet my 'target' in the hall right after passing the courtyard, but before getting to the main hall. I'll maneuver myself towards the middle of the hallway, right in 'shoulder bump' range. This time, I'll say 'hello'...no wait..I'll say 'what's up?'. Yeah, that sounds cooler, right? So I'll say 'what's up?' and when he looks at me, I'll...um....hmmm...
"What do you think the author is trying to say in this particular scene? Noah?" The teacher asked, catching me off guard.
"What do you think the author's message is here? In the last few lines Norman just read?"
"Oh...uhh...I don't know. I was actually just getting ready to raise my hand and ask." A lame excuse, but believe it or not, it works 2 out of 5 times, and it makes it look like you were paying attention.
"Anybody else?" Thank goodness the teacher just overlooked me this time. I guess that was one of the 2 times out of the 5. Anyway, back to work.
Ok...so...I've got his attention by saying 'what's up?'. Now what? I could say...'Can I talk to you for a second?' Is that going to sound...odd to him? I mean, he's not gonna know who the hell I am. That'll be weird. I could...like...drop something, and he could give it back to me. Unless...he steps right over it and doesn't care. Or somebody in that crowded hallway totally kicks it to the other end of the hall as they laugh at me for being a dumbass. Ok, so THAT plan is out. I really don't just wanna 'grab' his arm or anything. That kinda stuff can get you knocked the fuck out in high school. Maybe I should just bump into him on purpose...and THEN...me standing in front of him will keep him from passing me up. And I'll have a ten second window to maybe...get him away from everybody else so we can talk. I don't know, maybe I should just wing it. I'll come up with something.
Now...what to say. I should just be confident and right to the point. I should just ask him, "Hey, do you wanna go out some time?" Ahhh! Hell no! That doesn't even sound right in my head! He's liable to smash my head into a locker for just 'assuming' he's gay. What if I said, 'hang' out instead? That's more friendly. It doesn't sound so much like, "Hey, hot stuff! Let me swallow every inch of that crotch meat for you!" That would be bad.
"Precisely. Good answer, Melissa. Does that make more sense to the rest of you now? Noah? How about you? Does that answer your question?" I really wish my teacher would stop disrupting my focus with...classwork.
"Um...yeah. Totally. Thanks, I get it now." I told him, and went right back to 'work'.
I think I agonized over that little three minute conversation for the whole class period. I wish I had more time to figure things out...but the ring of the bell was rapidly approaching, and I needed to leave right away if I wanted to catch him. Timing was everything. Ok...gotta get my shit together. I sat and watched the red second hand of the clock as it raced its way to that final minute. And just as I shoved my stuff in my backpack, it passed the number 12, and the bell went off.
I got up so fast that it almost made me dizzy, my heart pounding as I attempted to gather enough courage to finally make actual 'contact' with Jason for the first time. No more quick glances, shoulder rubs, and bashful smiles. I'm gonna go hard on him this time. Just ask him. Just ask him. Just...shit...just ASK him!
I repeated it over and over in my head as I stiffly walked down the hall, both of my arms at my sides. My breath seemed to completely 'vanish' on me, but...I kept the plan going anyway. Head up, shoulders back...don't be a sissy about this. Take a chance. Take CHARGE. And let him know you like him. Get it over with. Whether he says yes or no at least you can stop letting it drive you bonkers every time you see him. I was totally ready for this...until I saw him come around the corner. Green eyes, shining. Soft hair, swaying. Strong arms and serpentine hips. Sweet full lips...calling out to me as I gazed upon their pink surface. My courage dropped to about 50% of what it was at the mere sight of him. And it was getting worse with every step he took in my direction. It was like he was moving in slow motion, the way his beauty just took over every sight around him. I only had a few seconds until we crossed path. Just a few seconds. Ok...deep breath. You can do this, Noah. You can do this.
Our meeting was inevitable, and we were both in the center of the hallway, shuffled close enough to touch once our footsteps brought us into contact. And just as he was close enough for me to speak...most of my voice left me. I managed to softly mumble, "...What's up...?" just above a whisper, and thought about rising my hand to touch his arm...but my arm went totally LIMP on me! And I couldn't touch him. Not on purpose. It was a sudden panic that kept me frozen in my tracks.
Jason heard me speak, barely, and his bright emerald eyes looked up into mine, creating a drastic drop in my body temperature as I tried to keep from running away in terror. He smiled a bit, and he said, "Hey. What's up?" Awww, his 'what's up' sounded so much cooler than my 'what's up'? How does he DO that? I was instantly absorbed in a major infatuated swoon again. But he never stopped walking. Wait a minute...I never stopped walking either. Wait! STOP! STOP!!! SHIT!!! You missed it! You missed your chance! Did you even look for the 'C' mark on his hand??? Did you even...did...ARRRGHH!!! What the fuck HAPPENED!!!
The moment actually caused me to stop in my tracks, and I felt my backpack drop to the floor as my shoulders fell in disappointment. The other kids in the hall weaved their way around me, never missing a step, but I couldn't move. I just closed my eyes and tilted my head back as I stared at the ceiling and mentally kicked myself in the NUTS for being so fucking lame! He was right THERE!!! Why the hell didn't I SAY something??? Why am I such a fucking COWARD???
I opened my eyes, and looked behind me to see Jason walking further and further away from me. Another opportunity sliding right through my fingers as he went on about the rest of his day, not knowing how extremely beautiful he is to me in EVERY possible way! I can't let this happen. I...I just can't. So....instead of just chalking this up to another failure, I picked my backpack up and slung it over my shoulder again. I turned around, totally changed my direction, and started following Jason's path down the hall to his next class. I could feel my hands shaking, but I kept going regardless. I refused to turn back now. I don't CARE if I'm late to my next period. I've gotta do this right now before I think of more reasons not to.
I attempted to push my way up through the current of students going against me, forging a path through my every obstacle while keeping his blondish brown mop in view the entire way. Just looking at the back of his head was erotic enough for me to keep going. This was more of a mission than an infatuated rush to stare at him one last time. I wanted to talk to him. Just once. Share a few breaths with him, and maybe even look into his eyes for a bit longer than usual before getting scared and looking away from him like I usually do. I just....I wanted to make a play for what I really craved from him, you know? I wanted this. I needed this.
I pushed my way closer and closer, almost close enough to reach out and touch him with my fingers. But the main hall was even more crowded than the others. People were all going to their lockers and changing books, gossiping, laughing, goofing around...and the congestion was getting harder and harder to navigate as I tried to reach my 'target'. Only my focused determination could guide me through this gelatin mass of moving bodies now
I kept walking. Not too fast, not too slow. Wrestling with my better instincts and going against every natural bell and whistle that my common sense could offer me...I continued my quest, with NO armor to protect me, no 'shield' at all. He was just a yardstick and a half away from me! I could almost inhale the fragrance of his morning shampoo. I just needed to make contact. That's all. Just....just for a few seconds. That's all I want It's a chance. A chance to mean something to someone who means so much to me. Someone so....so beautiful.
I could seriously feel my body tightening up with the horror of actually touching his shoulder...but I swallowed a big gulp of ice cold air, and kept moving forward anyway. And just as he was about to walk into a classroom at the end of the hall, I reached out to see if I could tap him on his shoulder. Nothing has ever scared me so much in my whole fucking life! I had NO plan as to what to say once I got his attention, but it was now or....ummm...well....later, I guess.
I made the tiniest bit of contact, my fingertips barely touching his shoulder, and I think he started to turn around before two or three other students pushed him into the classroom without seeing me behind him. It was like he was just carried off by the current of a raging river. And I was left with my heart sinking fast, from my ribcage down into the pit of my stomach like a 50 pound stone.
I don't think I had ever been more hurt than I was when the teacher walked towards that door, and asked me, "Yes? Do you need anything?"
"Um.......no..." I answered meekly, and he shut the door in my face as the halls emptied out, and another class period began. It took a second for me to even catch my breath, because I honestly considered the idea of calling Jason out of his seat to come and meet with me in the hallway, even though class had already started. Was I completely 'goofy' for thinking that someone that I had been dreaming about for sooooo long would have the slightest bit of interest in me? I should have tried to approached him online first before trying to meet him in person. I just didn't want to be wrong, and find out later that I was talking to the wrong guy after months of flirting and online sexscapades.
I stood outside of that classroom for a full minute before I was focused enough to move my feet again. The funny thing is...I don't think my feet were moving in the direction that I was telling them to move in. If THAT makes sense!
Instead of turning around and going back to my class, they were headed in the direction of the nearest library to sit and wait for the next bell. I knew that I had an English class waiting for me to show up, and I knew that my teacher would take attendance, and I knew that that annoying school computer would call my house to let my parents know that I wasn't in class today. But I couldn't stop myself. I had to ask myself what the fuck I was doing...but didn't stop walking until I had put my backpack down beside me and gotten myself a seat close enough to see the clock and figure out what time I was gonna leave to meet him again. This is SO insane! I'm just gonna fucking 'punk out' again, so why even risk getting grounded for this?
Yeah.....I sat there. I sat there for forty minutes straight, hardly concentrating on anything other than the monumental task of finally approaching the boy I've been crushing on since I first came to this damn school. Time raced b in a blur, and when there was only five minutes left until the bell was about to ring, I got my stuff together and got up to leave. I wanted to be right there when he left his class, hopefully getting the maximum amount of time to plead my pathetic case to him before he was forced to get to the next classroom. I was nervous, but more determined than ever. I was going to have to fight every instinct I had to let him pass me again with just a regular everyday greeting. I was gonna get it right this time. Fuck my fears! It's time I stop being a coward and did this for real.
I left the library with a few minutes to spare, walked through the desolate halls until I got to his classroom, and waited outside of the door. It struck me that I should have TOTALLY planned out this conversation beforehand so I don't come off like some kind of stuttering idiot! But..I doubt I could have come up with anything better than I would have if I just made it up as I went along. So what's the difference, right? I'll just...be myself. I'm gonna have to be myself around him eventually, right? So why not start things off that way? Ok...one minute until the bell rings. Here we go. Yeah...here....here we go.....
The bell rang.
It sounded louder today than it ever had before. At least to my strained ears.
I watched nervously as kids began to pour out into the open hallway from every open door...and I looked for Jason's beauty as students came out of the classroom door in single file. Come on, come on, come ON! Hurry up....before I lose my nerve!
And then...there he was. He came walking through the frame of that door, and automatically my limbs began to turn to stone. It took every ounce of courage I had to break free from my terror induced paralysis, and I tried to just make that FIRST move to get his attention. Once I did that, I'd pretty much be forced to go through with the rest of it. So, without thinking...I gasped slightly, and reached out to take a hold of his wrist. Omigod...a bolt of lightning raced up my arm when I came into contact with the softness of his skin, and when he turned around to look at me, I could feel the splendor of his green eyes crushing my heart from the inside. It felt like my stomach was imploding, but he was definitely paying me some attention, so I attempted to speak. "Uh...J-J-Jason...?"
"Hey." He said softly, the teenage rasp of his voice tingling sweetly in my ears. "What's up?"
I couldn't let go of his wrist. I just.....I TRIED...but I just couldn't open up my fingers! "Listen...can we...can I talk to you for a second?" Stop shaking, Noah! You're talking to him! You're touching him! Keep going! Don't stop now!
"Sure." He said, and turned to one of his friends from class and said, "I'll catch up with you later, cool?" He's gonna let me talk to him! He's totally gonna let me do this! Ok.....ok....just breathe.
I gently pulled him to the side of the hallway. I had picked that spot specifically while waiting for the bell to ring. Far enough away from the classroom, the bathroom, the lockers, and the drinking fountain. Equidistant in fact. Just in case somebody was eavesdropping. I took him to that spot, and still holding his wrist, I started to open my mouth. I should really let him go. I shouldn't be holding onto him like this. I'm surprised he hasn't yanked his hand away from me yet. Alright, Noah...breathe. Breathe. "Um...Jason...?" God...it was so HARD saying his name to his face! Ugh! Stop thinking! Just ASK him! "I know you don't really...um....like, know me or anything...and I'm sure you've got better things to do with other people who wanna see you, and talk to you...and....stuff..." This is NOT coming out right! Just stop babbling and ASK him already! "...I mean...I see you all the time...and..."
"Hey, Noah! Thanks for the book, dude!" Matt came over and handed me the book, standing next to us as though he wanted in on our conversation. "What are you...doing?" He asked me, seeing me still holding onto Jason's wrist. Now look, I don't know if there's actually a facial expression that conveys the message 'get the FUCK outta here'...but I must have been giving it to Matt at that particular moment, because the message was instantly received. "Okaaaaay...well, I'm going to go...'away' now." And he left us alone without another word.
"That's...that's my friend, Matt." I said timidly.
"I guessed." Jason grinned, his forehead crinkled up slightly in confusion as to what this baby faced freshman fetus was doing to him. And why am I still fucking holding him!!!
"Oh...right. I just...I was...wait...what was I talking about?" I got even more nervous, and started to swing my arm slightly, swinging his with it...and that looked even MORE odd than me just holding him. Not to mention that my palm was starting to sweat, and the last thing I wanted was for him to have my slimy hand saliva all over his wrist. This HAD to be awkward for him! So I looked down, and tried disconnect myself from him. And that's when......oh God.....oh GOD...
There was a big black and green letter 'C' drawn on the back of the hand I was holding! It was drawn with two thin markers, and it had little wings and a little open dragon mouth on the end! He not only wore it, he jazzed it up a bit. I froze up for a second, my breath getting heavy, my heart suddenly tripling the amount of beats per second, and I suddenly became so excited that I almost passed out right there on the spot. "Are...you alright?" He asked me. I dropped his hand, pulling back as if he had burned me, and that's when he looked to see the plain old 'C' on the back of my hand as well. I don't know why, but I got frightened by having him...'know'...you know? I kinda hid my hand behind me, and I think there was a moment of recognition, but he kinda disregarded it.
"Listen, I hate to run out on you, but I've kinda gotta get to gym."
No!!! No, don't let him go! Not yet! Do it! DO IT!!! I knew I had to speak fast, and a bunch of random thoughts fell out of my mouth all at once. "Well...all I wanted to say was that I kinda...I just like you a whole lot, and I thought that...even though I don't know you, I know that..I think you...smell really good...NO! Wait, scratch that! That sounds creepy and weird! I just wanted you to know that I...like...watch you sometimes, and I'm always too scared to talk to you because you're...nice...looking...sorta." No no no! What the hell am I doing? STOP TALKING!!! I stood silent for a few seconds, holding my breath to keep from rambling, and then realized that now I was being even MORE of an idiot! What am I DOING??? SAY SOMETHING!!! "So...yeah. I just...uhh...yeah. So, that's all." Jason frowned a bit, and I said, "God...Jason, I'm soooo sorry! You TOTALLY hate me now, don't you? I'm sorry. This is not what I had planned at all. This is all coming out wrong..."
"Oh wow...'Chi_Guy'?" He said, mentioning the screen name I use on the site's message board. "Dude...is that really you?"
Again...I found myself gasping for air.
"Hehehe, it IS you, isn't it? Dude, only you could pull off a rant like that and still remain adorable." He said with a grin. "It sounds much better in person than it does in writing, though." I was shaking so badly that I had to lean against the wall to keep my knees from collapsing. "Dude...it's me. 'Dragonboi16'...from the..." He looked around. "Well...you know where, right?" I nodded silently, still unable to process the words to speak. "We talk all the time on the board.Funny, I thought you'd be...older."
My heart sank a bit. "Oh...."
"No! It's cool! Really." He said. "I mean...there's a lot of older guys online always posting as teenagers, I didn't know if you were actually, like...'real' or not."
"Um..yeah. I am." I said, now even more afraid to look him in the eye than ever.
"Hehehe, you really ARE shy, aren't ya?" He said, and I forced myself to look up from my shoes.
"Don't sweat it. I'm glad." The halls were getting empty, and just as I was starting to find my voice again, we heard the late bell ring. "Shit...I've gotta run. Hey, listen...what's your real name?"
"My name?" Dumb question! "Noah. Noah Thompson."
"Cool. Well...um...you wanna hang out or something? Maybe after school?" He did NOT just ask me that! Oh Jesus...this is what I wanted more than anything, but now that I'm getting it...it's almost too much to take at one time.
"I...yeah...that sounds...yeah." I don't think I've made any sense at all this whole conversation.
"Yeah...sweet..." I whispered.
He started to back away from me to go to class. "I'll pick you up at the back gate, k?" He'll be driving....sighhhh....
"Ok. Um, wait...North end, or South end?"
"South end, definitely. K?" I nodded happily, and he smiled at me and said, "I'll catch ya later, man." Then he held up his hand with the 'C' on it, and I did the same. I don't think I ever felt so weak inside. If it weren't for a bad case of uncontrollable tremors rolling back and forth inside me, I doubt I'd be able to manage any muscle activity at all.
I did it. I...I actually talked to him. And we're 'hanging out'! What does that mean? What will it mean a few days from now? Are we like...friends, or...like...? Shit...I've got less than four hours to come up with a whole new plan! Shit...and I'm late for CLASS!!! I stood up from the wall, and ran to my next period...where Matt was waiting to ask questions about what the heck I was doing with Jason in that hallway. Needless to say, his access to said information was instantly put on a 'need to know' basis, and since he didn't really 'need to know' anything...that's pretty much all he got from me. Besides, I had more important matters to concentrate on.
The rest of the school day went by in a flash, and all that fear and intimidation seemed to mellow into something much more manageable. There's actually another gay boy in this school! A CUTE one! And somebody that I really enjoy talking to...online, anyway! The words 'too good to be true' are always hovering right there in the back of my mind somewhere. But...sometimes, every now and then, you DO catch a glimpse of a falling star. And 'good' and 'true' coexist peacefully in a moment of total magic. I kept that magic with me all the way to that South gate after the final bell.
I waited, and I paced, and I got a bit nervous until Jason's blue Chevy drove up beside me with music playing out of the windows. "You ready?" He asked.
"Hell yeah!" I practically skipped to his car and hopped in. He turned to smile at me for a second before turning out of the lot. "So...where are we going?" I asked.
"I dunno. Where do you wanna go? I just...I wanna talk to you. I feel like I've go SO much to tell you! Hehehe!"
"Yeah, me too." I said. "Um...well, let's just drive around then....until we find something to do."
"No problems there." Then, he flashed those big green eyes at me and he said, "I'm glad you wore your mark today. I was sure I'd be the only one. I was starting to think gay guys were just something you see on TV."
"I know how you feel..." It was still hard to talk to him at first as we cruised around town. It was still hard to believe that I was actually here with him. And the fact that I wasn't bawling with tears of joy was a blessing that I couldn't stop thanking the stars for. But, as my emotions once again took over my senses...I found myself being so attracted to his alluring personality than I was to his EXTREMELY hot body! At one point, he kept talking, and I was trying to tune him out because I was falling in love at the speed of light and didn't know if I'd be able to stop. Yeah, he's cute, I knew that already. Yeah, he's cool, I knew that from the message board. But this was a whole new dimension here...and...and...
"...So, I never told anybody, but I think I have one or two friends that might be cool with it. You know...me liking boys." He said, and just as we came to a red light....I couldn't stand it any more.
I suddenly burst forward from my seat, and planted a kiss on Jason's cheek. It was hard, and fast, and I'm sure that I almost caused my nose to bleed by slamming it against the side of his face like that...but despite the stupidity of it all...kissing him was a sigh of relief. Even I did...kinda...have to slink back into my seat and look away from him before he booted my dumb ass right out of the car. Arrrgh! Stupid! GOOD....but stupid!
There was a short silence, and I was just about to unbuckle my seatbelt and leave before I felt Jason pat me warmly on the knee. "Hehehe, there will be plenty of time for that stuff later. Just...give me some warning next time. I'm trying to drive here." He giggled. I turned my head to look at him, and he was turning bright red in the face. This time, it was his turn to look out the window to avoid my eyes. I tried to hold it back, but the ridiculous nature of my kissing 'attack' just caused me to snicker out loud, and as soon as he heard it, Jason started giggling too. "You're so WEIRD, get away from me!" He laughed.
"I can't help it. You're gorgeous." I said, suddenly covering my mouth. I meant for that to sound like more of a 'joke'. I mean, it wasn't, but I didn't want HIM to know that!
"Hahaha! Why, thank you! You're not so bad yourself." He giggled. I was making a total idiot out of myself, but Jason was so...cool about it all. He never let me feel bad about...well, being a 'fuck up' in this situation. I've just never done anything like this before, and trying to keep my emotions balanced while sitting next to him in his CAR was like trying to stand on one foot in a high class hurricane.
We drove around for almost an hour and a half that day, just filling in all of the little personal gaps that we always left open when talking online. He showed me where he lived, and some cool places he likes to go sometimes, just to think. My God...I never knew that he could be so awesome. I found myself either giggling uncontrollably, or blabbing away until I ran out of breath. And that's once I actually got COMFORTABLE! But, despite the fun we were having, he was gonna have to drop me off at home soon. After all, gas is like a billion dollars a gallon these days, and we were wasting up a lot of it.
It sucked, having to bring our little 'day-date' to an end, but I suppose that my lungs and heart could use a break from running at hyper speed for this long. So I gave him directions to my house. The sun was beginning to set, and the sky was just starting to turn colors. It was like a dream A beautifully touchable dream.
Jason pulled up to my house, and grinned at me as I sat there, unmoving. "This is the right house, right?"
"Huh? Oh...yeah. This is it." I said, and reached behind me to grab my backpack out of his back seat. But before leaving, I just...I HAD to tell him what was on my mind. "Jason...? I just wanted to say that I thought today was...amazing. MORE than amazing. You are SO much more incredible than I ever thought you could be. Online....or in real life." I had to take another deep breath, but I didn't want to stop. Might as well get it all out. "The truth is, I've had the biggest crush on you for soooo long. And...even if we never talk again after today...I mean...if you wake up tomorrow, and decide that...I'm not...that you don't wanna talk any more...or..."
But I interrupted him. "It's ok. Alright? Today was enough to last me the rest of my life...no matter what happens. Ok?" I said, and he smiled tenderly at my fragile state of mind.
"Can I talk now?" He asked.
"I'm sorry. Yeah. Say something. Anything. Please?" I giggled. "I'm dying here."
Then...instead of saying a single word...Jason reached over with his left hand, and lightly connected the warm palm of his hand to my cheek, turning my head to look at him head on. And he began to lean forward. I suddenly tightened up EVERY muscle in my body at once, and gasped loudly for air! He stopped, and I immediately tried to force myself to relax! "I'm...I'm sorry! Go...go ahead."
"Hehehe, are you sure?" He asked.
"Yeah. NO! Wait..." I fidgeted a bit in my seat, and tilted my head back a bit, closing my eyes. "...Ok....go."
Hehehe, I must have looked like SUCH a dork to him at that moment! But he just giggled sweetly to himself, and rubbed his fingers further up to caress me softly behind the ear. I was trembling in anticipation of my first ever boy-kiss...and that's when Jason said, "You are way too cute for your own good."
And then I felt the warmth of his breath on my cheek just seconds before his full lips touched mine. They connected in such a tender embrace, and he tilted his head just right to make it comfortable. It was slow and it was sexy and...and I had NO idea what the hell to do with my free hand! It dangled at my side for a second, but as I relaxed into our kiss...I managed to awkwardly reach over and touch his shoulder. Some of his longer brownish blond bangs tickled my cheeks, and he slowly began tilting his head the other way. I did the same, and was excited that I was actually able to change positions without bumping our noses together. I was DOING it! I was KISSING! I hoped to God that I was doing this right! I had to just...sit there with my eyes closed and....feel. You know? I was trying soooo hard not to breathe so hard. But if I didn't...I doubt I'd be able to get any air in my lungs at all. A part of me wanted to peek I wanted to see what it LOOKED like...me kissing another boy! But I kept my eyes closed anyway. And I just...tried not to suck at it. I felt his long, gentle, fingers glide up into my hair, and then slide down to the back of my neck...rubbing me tenderly before gliding back up into my hair again. I could not BELIEVE this! I wanted to SCREAM!!! I thought I was gonna explode in my boxers right then and there. I was so hard that I was poking myself in the stomach, nearly ripping through the material of my pants, and when I tasted the tip of his tongue in my mouth, sliding sensually against mine, I sighed out loud, and melted so far back into my car seat that it actually pulled our lips apart. I didn't WANT to stop kissing him...I just...I couldn't hold myself in an upright position any more.
Jason looked at me as I stared off into space for a moment, and then giggled and blushed to myself as I wiggled helplessly in my seat. "I take it that means I get a favorable grade?" He asked.
"Yes. You definitely made the honor roll with that." I joked. And tried to find the ability to walk so I could get out of that car before doing something goofy to mess up this totally perfect moment. "So......" I started. Scared to ask the simple question. Scared to hear a simple answer. "...I'll...see you tomorrow? Maybe?"
My bashfulness, even after sharing such a mind-blowing kiss with him, seemed to amuse Jason to no end. And he replied, "I'll do one better. I'll talk to you online later on tonight. K?"
"Well, I'm definitely going by the site. I've gotta tell everybody about the cute new boy I met today."
"Hehehehe....um....ok!" I said happily, and waved goodbye over and over again until I got back in my house. Looking out the window until I saw Jason drive away.
"Sigh...fucking crazy!" I whispered to myself.
"What are you looking at?" Came my mom's voice over my shoulder, and I suddenly snapped my head around fast enough to almost break my neck.
"NOTHING!!! Hi, Mom!" I said, and hurried past her to head towards my room.
"Noah, what have I told you about writing on yourself? That's a nasty habit." She said, and I looked down at the 'C' on the back of my hand. Hehehe, my hormones had practically caused me to sweat most of it off, but there was still a faint print of it waiting there. Reminding me that magic DOES exist sometimes. Today was my proof of that.
And to think....I found it just by chance.