To even think that such a gorgeous boy, such an incredibly sweet boy, was even remotely gay, was probably one of the biggest errors in judgement that I've ever made in my short 15 years of life. Honestly! What the hell was I THINKING?!?! That I could come out to him, and he'd say 'I love you too' and we'd end up making mad passionate love by a warm fireplace somewhere? I mean, Trey was just too perfect. Too good to be true. When will I ever learn that 'too good to be true' can be deadly? I might have saved myself a lot of embarassment and heartache if I had figured that out sooner this time around. And I certainly wouldn't be sitting here on my bedroom floor, trying to think of reasons for me to finally stop crying.
"I'm...I'm sorry Toby. But I like girls." I remember hearing the words vividly, striking me right through the heart like a rusty screwdriver and twisting back and forth viciously as it pushed through to the other side. It was the complete opposite of what I was hoping for after two years of loving him so unconditionally. So painfully loyal to the very essence of him, that to even look at another cute boy was blasphemy. After all this time, I promised myself that I would be strong if he told me he was straight. I promised myself that I'd be able to simply let him go if he told me that he wasn't interested. But the heart does whatever the hell it wants to do, and the reality of losing someone you love so completely...is far beyond my control. I was stupid to think that I could handle the rejection. Now the waterworks seem eternal and the pain...unbearable. I don't know how I was able to gracefully get away from him without just bursting into tears right in front of his face, but I did. Not that it helped to calm my aching heart any. Deep down, I felt what was once the biggest joy of my life, crack underneath my feet like the fragile glass illusion that it was...dropping me into the icy waters below. Lonliness can be oh so cold. That's exactly what I felt at that moment. The sudden realization that the person that I loved with all my heart...didn't love me back. And that the same tragedy could happen with anybody, maybe even EVERYBODY, that I loved, until I was too old to care anymore. God...how long had I been fooling myself?
Maybe I made the whole thing up. The whole 'relationship' that we had together. The hints, the 'accidental' touches, the subliminal messages, the unexplained giggles...all a figment of my fucked up imagination. I loved him so hard that I deceived all of my instincts into thinking that it was real. I twisted it into some wonderful experience that would make me feel beautiful. And wanted. And sexy. Sigh...he never loved me, it was just my deepest desires making even the simplest of his actions look like something affectionate. Something that told me that he loved me but was too scared to say so. But I was evidently wrong. And I never had a chance...not even the slightest of chances. To think that he would always be attracted to someone else because of what they have, or don't have, between their legs...made me sick inside. No girl would EVER love him as much as I did. No girl will EVER make him laugh the way I do, or know his secrets like I do, or be able to care for his needs, like I can. Not ever. But it's not enough, is it? I was just...born the wrong sex. It didn't matter how softly and sweetly I talked to him, or how I wear my hair just the way he likes it, or how much I flirted, or how much I comforted him when he was low...he would never love me. Not the way I love him. And it was no more his fault for being straight than it is mine for being gay. It's just one of those things, right? And yet, that didn't seem to make anything 'all better'. Nothing felt right. Nothing felt FAIR! Why did I have to choose HIM to be in love with? Why did he have to be so wonderful, so special, so sexy, so...so...straight? How am I supposed to find his level of perfection in someone else? How am I supposed to move forward knowing that the only thing that made me truly happy is...gone?
My friend Ronnie was the first person I ever told about my sexuality. And he was straight as an arrow too, but didn't think much of my preference at all. He was actually really cool about the whole thing. And he usually teased me about my little whines and whimpers when it came to Trey's presence in my life. He knew that my heart was throbbing out of control whenever Trey threw an arm over my shoulder. He knew that I was hanging on every word that he was saying when he spoke. He would giggle whenever I blushed, or make kissy noises whenever I mentioned his name, even in casual conversation. He would even ask, "So how's your gay lover?" when he greeted me in private. It was fun...while it lasted.
"Just tell him." Ronnie said. The three LEAST favorite words in ANY closet homosexual's vocabulary! Oh? Just tell him. Well, fuck ME! Why didn't I think of that??? Psh! No strategies, no build up, no segue...just 'Hi Trey, I love you'. Great. Thanks Ronnie. Hey, I've got an even better idea...how about I take my advice from somebody else from now on?
It's so damn easy to say to someone, "Just tell him" when they have nothing to lose, nothing to risk. They don't feel the panic that I do, the nervous jitters in my stomach whenever he's near me, the inability to breathe or even look him in the eye when we speak. I'm lucky that I can even say 'hello', much less confess my undying love for him. I know that it's a 50/50 chance that it will be a happy ending, I know that. I simply can't take that chance right now. I couldn't seem to sacrifice the fantasy for the truth at that point. I didn't want to. But 'just tell him' seems to be the only advice that people can give me these days. And suddenly I'M the idiot, right? Because I can't just rip my heart out of my chest and put it out there on the floor for Trey to either accept or stomp on with cleat shoes. I don't want to miss out on something beautiful, honestly I don't, but I would never tell ANYBODY to 'just tell him'. Because I KNOW it's not that easy. It's NEVER that easy. If it was, everyone would have a boyfriend or a girlfriend and the whole world would be running outside with buckets because candy would occassionally fall from the sky and the sun would shine down on all of us non stop. I guess if I get deeply hurt, I was supposed to just 'take it' and move on. There's a possibility that I look forward to. I was planning to do things my own way, going by my own instincts. But after being badgered and criticized and lectured and made to feel stupid for waiting this long...I went ahead and told him. I took a chance and figured that maybe, just MAYBE, it would turn out ok. Well...he's not gay, he'll never return my love, and things are pretty fucking FAR from ok! This HURTS! Does ANYBODY understand that??? It burns and eats away at me inside! It feels like I have a vice squeezing my chest all day long! And it won't stop! It's like realizing that your entire life, your affection, your love and care and corny jokes and concern and effort have all been a fucking waste of your time. I could have been giving my attention to someone who was willing to give a damn! Instead I wasted it on Trey and ended up looking like an idiot. Now I don't think about anything else, I CAN'T think about anything else! I feel like a COMPLETE NERD for telling him how I feel!!! I can't even TALK to him now! It's too weird for me to see him in the halls, too weird to hear his voice on the phone, too weird to look him in the eye knowing that he's aware of how much I care about him. At least before I had a good feeling inside. Not knowing whether or not he was watching me, or if he yearned for me the way I did for him. It was COOL to wake up every morning and feel excited to be able see him again. To actually care about the present and look forward to the future. I was HAPPY dammit! Then along comes good old 'just tell him', and my world is dark and lonely again. Empty. Echoes passing through my body where my soul used to reside. Maybe it WASN'T real, maybe it was just some stupid delusion that I was having that made me look like a moron in front of Ronnie while he shook his head and pittied me. Maybe I WAS being stupid, maybe I did have goo goo eyes and appeared to others as some kind of lovestruck basket case...but at LEAST it was real to ME! At least it gave me a reason to smile, and a reason to feel like I had a purpose. For that short amount of time, I was GLAD to be me! It was cool to feel like one of those people who are so damn beautiful and take it for granted. It was cool to see a hidden message behind his adorable smile. It made me care about what clothes I wore to school, what kind of grades I was getting, how I talked, and who I was. It made me take notice of all the little things that I did without even knowing it. Now...all that is over. And even if it was all an illusion...it was MUCH better than this...this...AGONY! Now I have to live with it. ME! Not Ronnie, not Trey, not some advice column on a gay themed website...ME! Sure, Ronnie will be there, he'll comfort me when he has the time and energy, but when he leaves, the pain will still be there. And I'll be crying myself to sleep for years to come. Maybe even forever. The possibility is gone...but the love is still there, clinging hard to my ribs and refusing to let go. God...this pain never ends. So, from now on, people can take 'just tell him' and shove it right up their asses! Because I'm never falling for that crap game ever again!
A few weeks had passed before I was able to look at myself in the mirror again without bursting into tears. He's straight. Completely straight. Not even bisexual...not even curious enough to give it a try. I never felt so ugly, so unwanted. I love you SO much Trey...I love you soooo much. Why is it so hard for us? People like me have to try to find somebody special in this tiny little select genepool of 'gay' specimens, and everything else is off limits. It's just not fair I tell you. We have that extra step of wondering if the guy we're so in love with is even available to us before we can even START the other steps towards being compatible. And I HATE that! I'm so tired of looking at cute boys in the street that I can never have because one of us is genetically a chromosone off in our sexuality. So what do I do? I say "that's nice" in the back of my mind, and keep walking. I can't talk to them. I can't ask them for their phone numbers. I can't ask them out to a movie, or for a bite to eat. They'd think I was a freak. So I just try to remember their faces long enough to go home and jack off to the memory of their image, pretending that they might actually want to have something to do with me. And when I'm finished, I see their faces slowly vanish from my mind, making room for the next piece of eye candy that crosses my path. I don't want this to be my life, but it is.
And what's my alternative to all this? Oh, just coming out of the closet and exposing myself to the whole damn world. Again...thanks for the info, Ronnie. So now I'm not only confessing my love to one of my best friends on the planet, but now I'm going to school wearing rainbow leatards and pink bowties too. THAT'LL make things MUCH better! Then I'll have the wonderful experience of getting hit on by every sicko closeted teen looking for a quick blowjob in between my ritual beatings and homophobic teasing. I can't seem to see a downside to THAT at all.
Look, I'm not stupid, ok? I know what my options are in this matter. And they SUCK! It's jut not me. God, I get so sick of people telling me that I'm living a lie or being stupid or blowing an oppurtunity or whatever else they coe up with for getting kids to go 'total exposure' when it comes to their sexuality. Jesus! To me, that's no different than a Christian telling someone they're going to hell for being Jewish! It's MY life! And if I wanted to tell everybody, then I would! If I don't feel the need to, then I won't! And if I'm scared, then I'm scared! What the FUCK does my life have to do with anybody elses opinion of me anyway? I won't be forced out of the closet before I feel right about it. And when it's my time, I'll do it. And not a SECOND sooner! Enough said. If I survive this heartbreak, and I can't really say that I will, then I'll be sticking to my own advice from now on. And that's that. All I have to do now...is find someone as cute and wonderful as Trey is...and is gay...and not taken...and actually likes ME. That should only take me...five...maybe six...HUNDRED years! A few more reincarnations and I'll be knee deep in gay sex in no time. I can wait! It's about 7:30 at night now, so THIS day is almost overwith anyway. I'm already on my way.
I went to school that day, not really caring if I was on time or not. I didn't really dress up or fix my hair. I didn't really see the need to anymore. Brown hair, blue eyes, not bad looking, aka 'kinda cute', as voted on by the girls in the 6th grade. That's me in a nutshell. Toby, the loneliest cute boy in town. I did what I could to cheer up. It's not like I could really tell anybody what was wrong with me. I just had to swallow it up and pretend that everything was ok. And it should be ok, I mean, I'll heal. Won't I? Eventually....?
I think I made it 4 periods into my school day when it really hit me. I was in the middle of Physics class, learning about the properties of inertia. How an object in motion wants to stay in motion, how it can't just stop on a dime, how the immense weight of it pushes it forward once set on a certain path. And my love for Trey was EXACTLY like that. Unstoppable, at least for now. I couldn't just bring it to an abrupt halt, no matter how hard I tried. It wanted to keep going, it wanted to live, to stay in motion. My love, my lust, my utter admiration for him...was just too heavy for me to change course after I had made the decision to make him my one true love. It was in that physics class that triggered it. When suddenly all the memories I had of Trey and me since we were like ten years old came rushing at me all at once. Gentle moments, tender moments, comical moments. Those times when I really felt close to him, when I really felt loved by him. A montage of thoughts that traveled through my mind in slow motion, accompanied by a soundtrack made of the saddest songs I could think of. I just stared off into space, feeling that hollow space in my chest growing to epic proportions, feeling the breath in my lungs tugging hard to bring the tears back to my eyes. It tore me up inside, weighing heavy on my heart and basically making me weak on the inside. Too weak to smile, or to even move. I cleared my throat, fidgeting in my seat a little bit, hoping to give my mind a rest for a few minutes and just forget the pain. But every few seconds, it returned. Another memory, one of me and Trey hanging out at the lake, sharing our first beer that we swiped from my dad's fridge. I remember laying my head on his shoulder, and thinking that he would move away in disgust, but he didn't. He just held it there, and we sat like that for a long time, watching the waves slowly roll in one at a time. In perfect harmony. It was beautiful. And yet, it hurt me even more. How could that not be love? How did I misinterpret THAT? How can I be this blind and stupid and helpless and....and...oh god...
I couldn't take anymore, the black void of pain in my heart overwhelmed me, and I just had to get up and ask for a pass to the bathroom. It was so hard to keep the tears from falling in the hallway. I tilted my head upwards, hoping to contain them for just a few seconds more. I ran into the bathroom and hid in one of the stalls. I put my face in my hands and stifled my wailing as I struggled through yet another teary fit. I'm ok...I have to be ok. Or at least that's what I told myself. But inside, I wanted to die. I wanted to punch a hole in the world and snatch out all of the sick and twisted reasons that God could possibly use to torture somebody this way. All the confusion, all the self pity, all the spiteful tricks that fate likes to play on people like me. I wanted to MAKE Trey love me! MAKE him give himself to me and just open his eyes to see that I love him like nobody else ever could. PLEASE??? Love me? Doesn't the fact that I am willing to give you everything strike you as being somewhat...worth your affection? Can't you just throw the gender issue aside for a moment and look deep enough to see that our hearts belong together? I just wanted to have the chance that all of these girls have. They don't know how lucky they are to have Trey on their 'team'. I felt the tears rise to the surface, and I tried my best to stop them. But once I saw the first tear roll down my cheek, the floodgates opened, and I just couldn't stop. My legs became weak, and I had to sit down just to keep from falling over. My tears soaked into my shirt sleeve as I cried continuously in that stall. I never wished more desperately that I could be somebody else. Preferably a girl. Someone Trey could look at and see a reflection of the love that I had for him in my heart. Someone he could pay attention to. I swear, if they ever find the part of the brain that makes people gay, I'm going to be the first teenager to carve it out with a steak knife!
I was going to wipe my eyes and try to go back to class, but every tear that I wiped away was replaced with a new one almost immidiately. And by the time they had stopped, I had been gone for way too long, and my face was all red and puffy anyway. So I just stayed there until the end of class. I figured that I could go back later and make up something. No big deal. Same with Trey, right? No big deal. There were other guys. Cuter and smarter and funnier than Trey could ever be. People he should be jealous of. They just...they're just...not...him. And...they never will be. Ever.
Oh great! Stop this! Geez, you're crying like a sissy here! Let it go, Toby. Just let it go. Please stop hurting...please stop killing me. I spent the next few minutes just trying to keep myself from sobbing outloud, and eventually, the pressure went away and the tears subsided. I wiped my eyes, and finally opened the door of the stall to walk back to class. It was hard to stop thinking about him, but not impossible. I guess there was just a huge part of him that I missed. The part that wanted me...the part that never existed.
I saw Trey at lunch, and he was his usual cheerful self. He didn't really mind the whole 'gay' thing, and was even flattered by the fact that I was unbelievably sweet on him. But I don't think he really got it. I don't think he was capable of understanding how much I loved him. How could he? I had no way to put it into words, not even if I tried. And if I already knew that he couldn't grasp the concept, then why did it surprise me so much to see him acting so 'normal' around me at school? As though we could just go back to being 'friends' after I had already exposed the most intimate part of my soul to him and explained exactly how I felt about him? Didn't he realize that it hurt just to SEE him now? Pretty much the way it would hurt a starving man to see a beautiful buffet table on the other side of an electrified fence. He was untouchable, but not unaccessible. And I couldn't determine whether or not that made things better or worse.
"What's up dude?" Chris said, sitting down with his usual brown bag of lunch.
"Hey..." Was I the only one bothered by this whole uncomfortable situation? He HAD to feel the tension at this point. I know it's been a week and all, but I still feel it, so he should too, right?
"I was thinking about driving out to the lake this weekend, since it'll be warm and all. Besides, a bunch of other people are planning to go too. So you wanna go? It would be fun." He smiled. God...his smile was soooo cute to me. Enough to make me melt in my seat.
"Um..." I wanted to say no. I REALLY did. I wanted to put some distance between Trey and me so I could figure things out for myself. Somehow plan out what the hell I was going to do without this hope, faith, and love that I've been carrying around with me for so long. But it didn't come out that way. "...Sure. I'll be there, man." Shit...the bastard used his smile against me. He knows how weak I am when I stare into those beautiful eyes of his. NOW I'm going to end up spending even more time with him, and making my pain last even longer than it should have. Wonderful. Well, I'll stop loving him eventually. Soon. I can stop anytime I want to.
"Cool! And maybe Sunday we can rent some old flicks or something. We'll run down to the video store and go shopping." He added.
"Yeah, ok!" I said. ARRRGH!!! Ok...RIGHT AFTER THAT...then I'll stop. I'll let go, and we'll be friends again. Maybe on a whole new level, now that I'm not getting all goofy and jittery around him. It could work. I mean, the hard part is over, right? Telling him how I feel. I tossed the dice, and I lost. No biggie. It's better than pining away for him forever without any results. I'll just...find someone else to fixate my affections onto. Maybe he'll even introduce me to somebody. Who knows? Two heads are better than one afterall.
But it wasn't that easy. And in the next two weeks, as he became more and more normal...I became more and more infatuated. And therefore our friendship became more dysfunctional...at least for me. I was unable to let go of the feelings inside, and they wouldn't fade away. Not even a little bit. In fact, it felt as though they were becoming stronger everyday. He had such a magnetic appeal to him. Some hidden charm that kept him unmercifully glued to my heart whether I wanted it or not. I would stare and get hopelessly lost in his eyes, wondering how long I would be able to resist the temptation to kiss those delectible lips of his. Even when I went to bed, I could close my eyes and see the unexplainable beauty of his smile. It was miraculous, and I hated every minute of it.
Sometime after the third week, things reached a boiling point. Trey and I were riding the train home together after hitting a movie on a Friday night. Everything was going great, in fact, I was content to just be in his company for once. Without the added pressure of constantly wanting to snuggle myself deep into his loving arms, I was actually able to relax a bit and let our friendship shine through the gates that I had put up to protect my heart from getting broken. It was a good feeling. Then...THEY showed up. Three girls from our school, the pretty kind. The giggly kind. The kind who had obviously been discussing Trey's beauty for quite some time and now had the chance to smile in his direction. "You're Trey Evans, right?" The first girl smiled, and that's how it all started. At first, he was just being friendly. They spoke, he answered. No problem with that, he was a friendly guy, one of the many things that I loved about him. But it didn't take long for me to notice a difference in their conversation. A different 'vibe' crept into their smiles, and the more flirtatious the girls became, the more Trey responded. And that's when jealousy began to creep into my mind slowly like a poisonous gas, choking me.
The ride seemed endless. The giggles seemed like thunder. I was annoyed beyond belief, and the more I tried to stop it, the more it pushed its way past my defenses. I gritted my teeth, clenched my fists, tightened up my stomach, but I couldn't say or do anything about it. I was helpless. He just kept making jokes! Kept being lovable and cute and witty, and they just ate it up! Impressed with the fact that someone so physically beautiful could actually have a sense of humor and a cool personality about him. But it wasn't THEIRS to be impressed by! It was MINE!!! HE was MINE!!! He knows how I feel, how can he do this right in front of me? Then, at one point, one of the girls sat on his lap and was playing with the strands of his hair, looking into his eyes. I swear, if she had kissed him, even a peck on the cheek, I would have snatched that bitches hair out!!! Lucky for her she stuck with a blush and a few giggles. By the time the girls had gotten off the train, saying how they'll 'look for him' at school on Monday, I was stuck between tears of sadness and tears of rage. Between loving him so much that it hurt, and hating him so much that I couldn't even bare to look at him.
"That was weird. I don't even know them. Hehehe! So anyway, next weekend my mom and dad are going out to a wedding across town, and they'll probably be spending the night. So if you want to drop by we'll get some videos and make a night out of it." He said, unaware of how utterly disgusted I was at the moment. I didn't answer and he leaned forward to look me in the eye. "Is that kewl?"
"Fine. Whatever." I pouted.
"Alright then, it's a date."
Did he have any IDEA how much my heart was bleeding at that very moment? "Is it just going to be you and me? Or are THEY coming too?" I mumbled.
A part of me didn't want to make a big deal out of the whole thing. I felt like such a pouty little brat for being upset about Trey acting in what was, for him, 'normal behavior' for a teenage boy. But another part of me was so incredibly broken, so defeated. Because he just reminded me just how far away from his heart I really was, and always would be. "Don't play games dude. Just forget it, alright?" I said.
"What? The girls? Dude, I told you, I don't even know them." He smiled, still unaware of how sick it made me to even have him talk to me.
"They seem to know you."
"A lot of people know me. Doesn't mean anything. Besides, they can't enjoy a good movie and a chili dog the way you and I can." He stood up, and came over to sit next to me. Being adorable again, as though he could help it. "C'mon, don't sweat them. Besides, they're all ugly." He giggled. "Ahem...I SAID...they're all ugly..." He looked at me, expecting me to take part in our little game. A game that we had been playing since we met. A game that I didn't want to play at the moment, but couldn't resist the power of his smile.
"Sigh...and they've got pimples." I responded, upping the stakes.
"And hairy legs."
"And moustaches." I added.
He laughed. "And lopsided breasts!"
"And flabby asses!"
"And missing teeth!"
"And...and...SYPHILIS!" I shouted out with a grin.
We laughed hysterically at that one. "Hahaha! Ok dude, that's just sick!" Trey's laugh was magic. It healed all of the world's problems with it's melody. An infectious laugh that forced its way through two perfectly pink lips, and came from a flat, smooth stomach. Accompanied by the sparkling brilliance of his eyes. It was hard to stay mad. No matter what he did, his level of cuteness outweighed the crime in every possible situation. After the laughs died down a bit and my train stop came up, Trey looked me in the eye and put his arm around me. "I'll give you a call tomorrow, k? We'll head out somewhere and make some trouble."
I responded the only way I could. "Sure. I'll be there." And I got off of the train, feeling good...but still empty. I watched the train take off, and felt my heart being dragged behind it at top speed. God, Trey...I love you. Sigh...I can't help it, I do. I always will. It won't go away, it won't stop. It just keeps hitting me over the head, again and again. And the second I'm mad enough to actually WANT to rid myself of this misery, you bloom into something so spectacular that it pulls me right back into your imaginary kiss. It's the illusion that I don't want to turn away from, the dream from which I hope I never wake. Somehow, this has got to stop.
The weekend passed, Monday arrived, and the girls made good on their promise. They found him, and were soon talking to him all the time. Monday it was in the halls, Tuesday they joined us for lunch, Wednesday they wanted to hang out after school. Their flirting got a bit more daring, and at last, I felt my heart snap when I saw Trey actually give one of the girls his phone number! His PHONE NUMBER!!! Not the two of them in a full cafeteria with me and three of her friends, chit chatting about school gossip and test scores. But a ne on one conversation...just the two of them...at night. My very soul tied itself in a tight knot when I saw him willingly give her the piece of paper, and it refused to untangle itself. I knew where this was going. She wanted him. A pretty girl wanted the boy who made my heart sing. And simply because they were 'compatible'...she was going to get him. I knew it. He was going to love her, he was going to kiss her. She was going to absorb all of the love that she could from such a rare prize as Trey was. I nearly cried right there at the table. I got my bags and left before he got a chance to catch up. He wants girls...he can HAVE girls. I can't take this pain anymore. I just can't.
Do I hate them for chasing him? I mean, he was cute, he was fun, he was straight. That's what they're SUPPOSED to do. Or do I hate him for accepting it? He's got hormones, he's got needs and desires. He's a good looking boy, he can have his pick of any girl he wants. I just never expected him to choose one. It was selfish, but even though he and I could never be anything more than really good friends...I never expected him to go any further with someone else. I never expected him to leave me...alone.
After school, I actually HID from Trey by running to the library instead of meeting him at the locker like I always did. I made sure to stay between two of the bookshelves in the corner, away from any windows in case he came by looking for me. I don't know what I was thinking, but it felt like I was teaching him a lesson or something. I don't know. All I knew is that I couldn't see him today. I just couldn't. Let's see if the laughter of a few giddy girls can replace me in his life. I waited, and waited, and waited. I didn't want to run into him and have him ask me where I was. I didn't want to run into him at all. When I figured that the coast was clear, I left. It sucked not seeing his smile that afternoon, but it was also a relief.
I got home, and naturally there was a message on the answering machine. "Hey Toby, it's me. I think I missed you today. Anyway, give me a call when you get this, bucket head! Hehehe! Seeya!" Hearing his voice was causing the pain to come back, and I promptly erased the message. I went to my room, and just sat at my desk, attempting to get my mind off of him long enough to stop tears from rolling down my cheeks. But when I heard the phone ring again, the tears ran free. "Toby...it's me again. I guess you're not home yet. Um...oh well, whenever you get in, k dude? Later." And an hour or two after that..."It's Trey...are you there? What's up? Are you ok? Give me a ring, man." And that was the last message of the night. I guess he gave up. I was tempted to call and make up something, just to talk to him. Just to hear him laugh. Just to listen to his voice and feel his beauty come through the phone and into my heart again. Allowing me to fall back into the fantasy that I was one of the most important things in his life. Irreplaceable. Undeniable. His one and only.
The next day, I saw him in the halls a few times, and he asked what happened, but I didn't say much. I hardly spoke with more than three or four word sentences, and found myself holding back from him. The love, the friendship, the conversation...everything. I wouldn't even smile. But I did my best to remain 'cool' about it all. Then, to add insult to injury, I skipped lunch and just walked around outside instead of joining him and his 'angels' at our usual table. I knew that it was a stupid thing and I didn't want to hurt his feelings. But the space was much more comforting than his presence, and maybe if I distanced myself enough, for LONG enough, I'd get over him. I'd be able to understand that I can live without him, and maybe even give him my blessing when it comes to him giving himself to someone else. It was the only answer that I had. It seemed to be working so far.
I got through my last class, and was ready to head back up to the library, but Trey caught me in the hallway this time. I heard him call my name and pretended not to hear him. But he called again, and I knew my 'cover' was blown. Shit! I stopped and waited for him to catch up. "Dude, where have you been? I've hardly seen you all day."
"I just had some stuff to do."
"Stuff like what?"
"You know...stuff. I've gotta go." I said, walking away.
"Well, hold on! If you wait a second I'll get my stuff and join ya!" He said.
"I'm in a bit of a hurry, ok? Maybe tomorrow." The second that I said it, I saw the look in his eyes change. And he knew something was up.
"C'mon Toby, this isn't like you. You don't return my phone calls, you don't hang out, you avoid me in the hall. What's the matter? I mean, did I do something wrong?" He didn't know. He really didn't know. But the truth is, I had been pushed aside for normality, and I didn't need him pressing the issue at the moment.
"No, it's fine. I've gotta run." I walked away, and left him behind.
"Ok...well..call me tonight. Ok? Please?"
"Yeah. I will." I lied. I was just beginning to find a way out of this emotional quicksand, no need to let his irresistable charm anchor me down even further. And with that, I found my escape. The phone only rang once that night, and when the machine picked up, there was a short pause. A silence that that appeared to have such a painful tone of rejection to it. And then...a familiar click. No doubt that Trey and I had things to work out, but I was a bit too emotional to think clearly. I was going to need some time, and he was going to have to understand that. No matter how much it hurt him. No matter how much it hurt both of us.
The next day, Friday, went along the same lines. No contact at all. I saw him in the hallway once that day, and he just sort of looked at me, and kept walking. This isn't how I had planned for it to go, but at least I had some distance. I mean, that's what I wanted, right? Right. So...why does this sting even worse than before? ARRRGH! I can't BELIEVE this!!! I can't stand to see Trey unhappy, even when it's at my expense! What kind of cruel joke is THIS for life to play on me? Sigh...
Instead of hiding out as always, I just left school when the bell rang. I tried to convince myself that I didn't care whther I saw him or not, but deep down, I was screaming for him to find me. And find me he did. "So are you going to just ignore me for the rest of your life, or should I mark a certain date down on the calendar?" He said with some visible concern.
"You don't understand."
"NO! I DON'T understand! I mean...come on Toby...what did I do? I'm sorry, ok? Whatever it was, I'm sorry." I wanted to push my feelings aside for his, but if I didn't get rid of this ache inside of me, then it would haunt me forever. "Dude...talk to me. I thought we were friends."
"I...I can't be your friend right now. It's not like I 'hate' you or anything...I just...I need to figure some things out."
"And I have to just wait and suffer while my best friend in the whole world works out his problems alone? I don't get it. I just want to help. Tell me how you feel."
That's when I looked him right in the eye, and said, "You KNOW how I feel." I held the gaze for a few seconds more, and the look on my face must have been enough to reveal everything. He suddenly got it, and, ashamed but still angry, I walked away from him.
He caught up to me and put a hand on my shoulder to turn me around. "Why didn't you SAY something???"
"Say WHAT? Quit being 'normal' and pretend that you like ME instead?"
"You could have said SOMETHING instead of making me feel like an asshole for the whole week." He said.
"Maybe you deserve to feel like an asshole. I told you how I felt and how much you mean to me. But you just don't care." I said, pulling away from him.
"It's NOT that I don't care. I just...Toby...what do you want me to say?"
"Don't you GET it??? I don't want you to say anything! I want you to leave me alone so I can put my feelings to rest and have the stomach to look at you and your little 'girlfriends' whenever you're together."
Trey looked so hurt, and in some sick way, it felt good to have HIM be a little heartbroken for once. "This isn't FAIR, Toby!" He said, a bit choked up.
"A lot of things aren't fair. Believe me." I replied.
"You...you CAN'T hate me for this. You just can't. Don't just shut me out. Don't just tell me that I can't be your best friend anymore. That's not cool, man." He was waiting for an answer, but I didn't give him one. I felt a tear stream down my cheek, the pain inside reaching unbearable levels, and I just turned to keep walking. He didn't follow me this time. Instead, he put his head down and he let me go. So this is it...the price of my freedom from heartache. Out of the frying pan, into the fire.
I woke up Saturday morning, my throat still sore and my eyes still red from crying into my pillow all night. And I went about living the first day of my life without Trey in my life. So empty. I never realized how completely he had woven himself into my life, how much I thought about him during the day. I guess it proves that you really DON'T know what you have until it's gone. It's no wonder that I actually found the courage to pick up the phone when Trey's voice came over my answering machine that night. I jumped at the chance to apologize, but when I heard the tremble in his voice, it made me lose focus. "Hey...listen...we need to talk, ok?"
"Um...ok." There was a silence, and then I said, "Go ahead..."
"No, not on the phone. Listen, can you still come over tonight?"
Oh shit, the videos and stuff. I had forgotten about our 'date'. "Actually...I don't think that would be such a...such a good idea..." Me and him alone at his house was sure to just make things worse, I was sure of it.
"Please? It's important. I'm asking as a friend. Give me a chance, ok?" He whined. He sounded like he had been crying too, I couldn't believe it. So I agreed and went on over. I hope this doesn't just make things even weirder between us. It was already screwed up enough as it was.
The look on his face when he answered the door was indescribable. So confused. You would have thought that he was letting a total stranger into the house. "Come in." He said.
He was shaking visibly. He closed the door, locked both locks, and then started pulling the shades down. I just stood in the middle of the room as he nervously walked over to turn on the television, MTV music videos playing at full blast. He turned up the tv a bit more, and then walked over to me, looking like a scared little boy.
"I...I don't get it. What are you doing?" I asked.
"Shhhh...I don't want to lose you. You mean a lot to me." I started to ask what the heck he was talking about, but he put his hand over my mouth and whispered, "I want to be with you." Then he looked me in my eyes, and he KISSED me! Wait! Wait wait wait! What the hell is going on here?
I pulled away from Trey and stepped back. "What was that for?" I was shocked.
"Shhhh...come here." He stepped closer but I stopped him.
"You don't...I didn't mean for you to..." But he began kissing my neck. Gently...slowly...seductively. Wow...for someone supposedly 'inexperienced', he seemed exceptionally good at this. "You don't have to do this, Trey."
He didn't listen, and his arms snaked around my waist as he looked up to kiss me on the lips again. It was sudden, and everything felt so backwards. This wasn't supposed to happen. I wasn't planning to 'blackmail' Trey into loving me. At least...I don't THINK I was. I just wanted...well, who KNOWS what I wanted? But I don't think this was it. Wow...he's an even better kisser than I thought. I should stop this before it gets out of hand. Mmmm, his tongue just entered my mouth! Oh God...ohhhh I LOVE this boy! Ok! Enough is enough! Pull away Toby...pull away. Whoah! Is that what I THINK it is, rubbing up against my leg? Ok...pull away. Stop. STOP! I'll tell him to stop...on the count of ten. One, two, three, four, five...six...mmmm...seven...I could at least grab his ass, just to have something to remember this moment...eight...oh wow, his ass is perfect...nine...ok, was that a moan? Was that him or was it me? He must be enjoying this if it's him, right? Right? Then, he broke the kiss and loosened his grip a bit.
"...Ten..." I whispered dreamily, my eyes still closed. It took me a second or two to catch my breath again.
"What?" He asked.
"Nothing. Nothing." I was planning to protest and stop him before he went any further than this and ended up regretting it later. But he lifted his shirt over his head, and I had to hold my breath before my passionate sigh stole all the air from my lungs and left me breathless on the floor. He was soooo smooth, the only texture being his two delicious nipples and a cute little belly button that looked like it belonged on a ten year old. When he undid the first snap on his pants, I helplessly fell to my knees and pressed my face against his soft, but firm, tummy. I kissed it lovingly, my heart beating so hard that it hurt, and letting the tender skin slide across my face. I stuck my tongue out and licked inside his navel, causing a soft whimper to escape from his lips. He became weak in the knees, and leaned back until he was sitting on the couch. I unzipped him while my tongue licked him just above the belt, and I felt him raise his hips up in order to help me pull his pants down to his ankles. Slowly, the material glided down his incredibly suckable thighs, and the tent in his boxers made my mouth water. One little button, just one, was all that stood between me and the love that I so desired from the boy of my dreams. The boy that I had fantasized about for so long that it's hard to remember a day without that love inside me. Both of my hands trembled as they made small circles on his thighs, and moved closer to opening the curtain for the main attraction. I could hardly breathe. This was it. This was real. Oh God...please don't let me faint! Not now!
I finally laid my hand on the front of his boxers, making him gasp slightly, and then...I undid the button. Lord have mercy, mother of God...it was more beautiful than even my subconscious mind could have ever imagined. Silky smooth, full 6 inches, slightly pinkish color and bobbing softly in tune with Trey's heartbeat. Breathe, Toby...just breathe! This is what we've been waiting for. What we've always been waiting for. I took a few minutes to truly appreciate the glory of the moment, and then tenderly wrapped my fingers loosely around his shaft. It throbbed tightly with that initial contact, and he raised his hips a bit to push it further into my hand. I was HOLDING it! I was holding Trey's most private piece in my HAND! Oh wow...how I didn't just DIE from all this excitement is a mystery to me.
"Sigh...ok...ok...do it." He whispered, and he closed his eyes, leaning back on the couch all the way. My mind racing, my heart bouncing around in my chest like a riccocheted bullet, I leaned forward, and slowly took him into my mouth. The feeling of my lips around that long, warm organ, was almost enough to provoke my own orgasm without so much as a touch. I let my tongue slide down his shaft as I took inch after inch inside of me. He squirmed a bit, and his length jerked a few times as I gave him a long reverse suck back up to the top of his shaft. His flavor was beyond belief! I couldn't believe that this was actually happening! I sucked him back into the back of my mouth, taking him all the way down until my nose was being tickled by the wispy hairs at the base, and then began a slow rhythm that let me enjoy every mindblowing moment of my very first sexual experience. The taste, the scent, the feel of him...so beautiful. So damn beautiful. I looked up into his eyes to convince myself that this wasn't a dream, that this wasn't just another part of the 'illusion'. And that's when I saw it...
The look wasn't disgust, nothing even close to it. But it was...discomfort. Like he was trying to enjoy this. Trying to pretend that I was...someone else. I tried to ignore it, so I went back to concentrating on his hardness, and let my fingers come up to caress his balls a bit. But my mind was still focused on the look on his face. I used my tongue to tickle the head a bit, and sped up my bobbing motion, even letting my other hand rub up and down his side as I did. Anything to increase the sensation, anything to make him enjoy this as much as I was. Come on Trey! It's a blowjob! Don't you...like it? But no matter what I did, the 'discomfort' remained. This was HIS idea, you know! I didn't plan on this. This is what I've been longing for since I was like 13, I'm not going to screw it up by being weird. Not now! It's in my MOUTH for crying outloud! I'm actually tasting him, feeling him, kissing him...this feels good. Doesn't it?
It seemed to hit me all at once. This wasn't love. This wasn't even sex. This was emotional rape with a somewhat willing participant, and suddenly, none of this mattered. I gave one last, long suck, and let his erection slip from between my lips. I felt like shit, and after looking at it lovingly, I tucked it back into his boxer shorts, and buttoned them up again. Trey opened his eyes and said, "What? What's wrong?"
"Sigh..." I closed my eyes, I couldn't believe that I was going to throw away the opportunity to dive into one of the most miraculous events of my life. But it had to be done. "This isn't right."
"Oh...did...did you wanna go in the bedroom or something?"
"No...that's not what I mean." I stood up as he looked at me confused. "Trey, listen...I love you. And I know that you're not really into this."
"I'm sorry. I'm trying. Honestly. Look, try it again, it was good."
Geez, he was even adorable when he was lying. "This isn't what I wanted. Not like this."
"Toby...I don't want to let go of what we have. I was hoping that if...some of the tension was gone...if I did this one thing for you..."
"I know, and I love you even more for being so sweet. The fact that you were willing to sacrifice all this, just to make me happy. I can't believe I let things get so out of hand." I said, plopping down on the couch next to him.
He sighed outloud, and kissed me sweetly on the cheek. "You know...I can't really 'love' you the way that you need me to. The way that you deserve. But it doesn't mean that I don't care about you. And that I won't be there for you, whenever you need me. I need to have you in my life, Toby. And I hope you know that I would never do anything to intentionally hurt your feelings. I'd do anything for you."
Trying to keep my tears under control, I smiled a bit and said, "Yeah...so I see." He giggled a bit, and I followed his example.
"You could have at least FINISHED the blowjob, you know?" He laughed.
"Finish it yourself. I'm not your whore." He playfully slugged me in the shoulder as we grinned to ourselves. Then he hugged me tight, releasing all of the tears that I had left. He held me like that until the waterworks stopped, and I finally understood. This is what I cherished between us. This is what I needed from Trey...my very best friend. All of the things that I loved about him, all the things that I needed from him, were already mine. He gave them to me willingly every single day, and I just didn't notice it until that very moment. Sure, the kissing, the cuddling, the sex...I wanted it all. My body still cried out for it whenever I saw him. But maybe it was a very small part of what we had. Maybe even a part that I could learn to live without if I had to. And besides...at least I got to suck him! Sigh...I'll be jacking off to THAT little memory for a LONG time to come!
Trey and I remained the very best of friends, even closer for having that one experience together. I masturbated a few times over the memory, but after a while, it moved from being 'erotic' to being a bonding experiment between two friends. And I let it simply become a part of me. We even joked about it from time to time, and never once lost an ounce of the love we had for one another. It was beautiful. I never told Ronnie about it though, he would have freaked out. Probably would have teased me well into my 50's about that little piece of information. This was my memory. OUR memory.
I guess 6 months or so had passed, and I had been added into a creative writing honors program at school. Something both Ronnie and Trey decided to throw me a party for. And Trey's new girlfriend Stacy, a very sweet girl if I do say so myself, set it all up for me. It was great. The class is really cool, especially since this boy keeps looking at me from accross the room. His name is Jesse, and he's beautiful. Like tv star beautiful. Yesterday he smiled at me, and when I smiled back he blushed. This looks like a good sign. He follows me around, he does the sweetest things for me without me even asking, and I just gave him my phone number today. Maybe I should 'just tell him' how I feel and get it overwith already....
Nahhhhhh....I think I'll let him dangle a bit instead. Hehehe, let him tell ME for a change. This could be cool. Was I supposed to learn a lesson here? Who knows? I'm too busy having fun.