This
story
concerns teenage gay males who are
involved in sexual situations. If it is illegal for you to read such
stories,
or if you do not like to read such stories, please leave now.
This story
is copyright 2006 by the author
who retains all rights.
This is a
work of fiction. Names,
characters, places and incidents either are the product of the author's
imagination or are used fictitiously. Any resemblance to actual
persons, living
or dead, is entirely coincidental.
This
is my second submission to Nifty. This is a
continuation of “Kiel’s Story”
which was last posted on 7/24/06. It is not
necessary to read “Kiel’s Story”
to enjoy this, but it may help you
understand where the character relationships started. Any comments or
questions
are welcome at: carl_holiday@att.net
A warm
thank you goes out to all who’ve
written. I appreciate knowing someone is actually reading this stuff. I
try to
respond to all, including flames, but time is precious in my life, so
if I
didn’t answer yours, please accept my apology.
by Carl Holiday
Chapter 7 – Dear Diary
Dear Diary,
Don’t you just hate
the sound
of that? “Dear Diary” sounds so maudlin, trite. The great
cliché. Well, Diary, you’re
getting renamed. From this day forward you shall be called Jeff, after
my
boyfriend who spells his name differently, but I want you with a J so
as to
distinguish you from him, if that makes any sense.
I have been writing
to you
for three years, but all of those diaries are gone. And, this isn’t
Nov.
16, 1964. Today is
three or four weeks later, I’m not sure
exactly what the date is, though.
I’m writing this
today
because today is a transition day for me. I’m getting a new life. I’m
going to
be someone other than Timothy Chambers. I don’t know what my name will
be, but
it will not be Timothy Chambers, anymore.
Also, this day, Nov.
16, 1964, was a day
I’ll never forget because it is on this
day my life changed forever.
As you know Jeff,
my parents
were in the sex business. In the words of Dad, “We sell titillation. We
sell
all things erotic.” They also bought movies from some of the seediest
people on
the Earth, especially two guys from the East Coast who made kiddie
porn, movies
where the oldest star usually wasn’t over twelve, snuff flicks, movies
where
the death scene isn’t faked, and for those few who enjoy titillation
beyond
description, kiddie snuff flicks.
These men scammed
my parents
into borrowing a lot of money, so much money Dad was forced to part
with
something dear to his heart, me, to save something dearer to his heart,
everyone else in the family. I was sold into damnation so to speak, so
that my
parents would continue to enjoy the fruits of the harvest. I was to be
a movie
star and entertainer until I achieved the ultimate in slime porn, the
star in a
kiddie snuff flick.
Only, I was saved.
On this
day, the day Dad was to take me to a private airplane that was to fly
me away I
told my boyfriend, Geoff Johnson, I was going away and I would never
see him
again. I gave him my model Corsair, the plane my Uncle Jerry flew in
WWII. He
called Uncle Jerry who, in turn, called some people he knew. They
called people
they knew.
When Dad pulled out
of our
driveway on to Mallard Lake Boulevard,
there was a car parked a block away that pulled into traffic a few cars
behind
us. I don’t think Dad was aware they were following us. Dad’s a lousy
driver
and all his attention is focused on the road ahead. I know he didn’t
see they
had walkie-talkies. Soon there was a car in front of us and then
another along
side of us. We were out near Lake Ronald on an empty stretch of
Ballinger Park Way when the other cars slowed down until they
forced Dad
to stop.
They had people
guns. You
know, guns whose sole purpose is to shoot people. They pointed some at
Dad and
pulled me out of the car and forced me into another car that pulled up.
I
looked back at him as the car drove away. He looked very scared. Then
someone
in the car said, “Don’t worry, they’re not going to shoot him.”
Maybe they should
have
because both of my parents were killed by two contract murderers
looking for
me. They killed both my older brothers, too. I don’t think they knew
about my
sister, so I don’t know if they killed her.
They almost killed
my
boyfriend Geoff trying to get him to tell them where I was. He didn’t
know, but
they tortured him almost to death. That was their trademark, torturing
almost
to death then leaving you to be found, so you would always remember
what they
did to you, sort of a forever torture.
After changing cars
again, I
was taken to a rural part of Washington State where I stayed with an
old man and his wife,
Mr. and
Mrs. Smith. I ran into a lot of people named Smith. I was with them for
three
weeks. Then a car came and took me east into the Rocky Mountains to a
house in a snowy valley where I stayed
with this
family for only a week before another car took me away from them. It
was night
when I changed cars again. During that switch I saw Uncle Jerry. We
sort of
crossed paths, so to speak. He was being saved, too, but he was going
somewhere
else. He said that I’d probably never see him, my sister, or Geoff ever
again.
The next morning I
arrived at
Lifeboat, Montana, and met my new family.
Dec. 25, 1964
Dear
Jeff,
It’s
my first Christmas here in Lifeboat. Mom is in the kitchen baking
cinnamon
rolls for the church social next Sunday. Dad is in his office working
on the
feed store’s books. My brother, Donny, is sitting over at his desk
playing
solitaire. He is sixteen, too, and has a beat up ’54 Chevy pickup to
drive to
school. Nearly everyone around here has beat up pickups.
Donny
and I share the upstairs bedroom. My twin bed is on the west side of
the room
and Donny’s is on the east side. Our window looks north toward a range
of
mountains that aren’t all that high because there are trees all the way
to the
top. The bedroom is split down the middle with Donny’s half looking
exactly
like mine. From the window wall there is the head of the bed with a
nightstand
and reading lamp, then a footlocker, a dresser, a desk and chair, and a
wardrobe where we keep our hang-ups. Donny’s bed has a green and blue
plaid
bedspread. Mine has a blue and white quilt with farm scenes stitched in
the
squares.
This
morning they exchanged presents, but because I’ve only been here a
short time
there wasn’t anything for me. I watched them for a while, but got
really sad
and went back up to the bedroom. I felt like crying, but I didn’t.
Maybe a
little tear, but my nose and eyes burned from holding back.
After
a little while, Dad came up and sat down on my bed. He was smiling. He
gave me
an envelope. It was from my uncle whose name is now William Walker. He
lives
back east somewhere. There was an unsigned Christmas card with a short
note
from someone who was once close to me. I miss my sister very much.
There was
another Christmas card from Uncle William, but no note. Inside the card
was a
picture of my boyfriend, Geoff. I felt tears dribbling down my
face. Dad
put his arms around me and held me against him.
“I
know it’s hard being here,” he said. “But, Lifeboat is your home now,
Jimmy.
You can keep the picture, but you’ll probably never see him again. Who
was he?”
I
didn’t want to say. These people go to church all the time and they
pray at
home all the time. They’re not overly religious with a lot of you
can’ts and
thou shalt nots, but they read the Bible a lot. I was afraid to say
Geoff was
my boyfriend.
Donny
came into the room and sat down on the other side of me. Dad had his
arm around
me with his hand on my shoulder. I couldn’t stop looking at the picture
of
Geoff.
“Is
he your boyfriend?” Donny asked.
I
looked at Donny. I was scared. I felt Dad pull me towards him.
“I’m
gay, too,” Donny whispered. “What’s his name?”
“Geoff
with a G.”
“Is
he the one they tortured?” Dad asked.
“Yeah,
I loved him.”
“He’s
cute,” Donny said.
“Normally,
we wouldn’t let you keep that,” Dad said. “Here in Lifeboat we try to
forget
the past, but I think it’s okay to remember a lost love, for a little
while.”
Lifeboat
is a strange little town. It doesn’t exist on any map, but it’s really
here.
There’s a small school that serves the surrounding ranches and the few
families
here in town. It’s not a one room schoolhouse, but has classrooms like
any
other school. Except, all the grades are in the same building because
there
aren’t that many students. I guess some years they don’t have enough
students
interested in playing football to field a team and they normally play
in the
small school eight man league.
p.s.
I’m sorry about the first pages, but Dad made me burn them. We can’t
risk
having someone find out who we really are. Everybody knows everybody in
Lifeboat, but no one knows anyone’s past or why they were saved.
p.p.s.
My new name is James Timothy Walker. Everyone calls me Jimmy.
Dec. 28, 1964
Dear
Jeff,
Donny
has never had sex with another guy. We were talking about that last
night as we
lay in bed waiting for sleep to take us away to dreamland. He said he
likes
looking at guys, but is afraid to get involved because some of the farm
boys
around here aren’t as tolerant as you’d want. I know because I’ve met a
couple of
them down at the feed store where I help out on the days Donny doesn’t.
“Would
you like to do stuff with me?” I asked.
“We
can’t, we’re brothers,” he said.
“We’re
not really brothers.”
“Yes,
we are. You have to believe that. You have to.”
Brother
or no brother, I went over to his bed and slipped under the covers next
to him.
It was cold in our bedroom, but Donny only had on his briefs. I put my
hand on
him, he was hard. I knew I was going to come if I did anything, but I
wanted
him to feel good, too.
“Don’t
say anything,” I whispered. “We’re brothers and we’re just
experimenting with
sex. I just want you to know what it’s like. Okay?”
“Okay.”
“Push
your briefs down.”
He
did and I put my mouth over him. He’s got a nice cock, long and not too
thick.
Kind of like Geoff’s but a couple inches longer. Geoff’s is a little on
the
short side. I put my hand on his balls and teased them with my fingers.
The way
Donny was moaning, I knew he wasn’t going to last. I tried to get more
of him
into my mouth, but he let go. I hadn’t noticed it before, but his hand
was on
me at the same time.
“I
hardly touched you and you squirted your stuff,” Donny whispered.
“I’d
have done it without you touching me.”
“You’re
kidding.”
“No,
I’ve got a shorter fuse than you, and you went quick.”
“I
told you I’ve never done this before.”
“You
boys better get some sleep,” Dad said loudly from downstairs. “It’s
going to be
busy down at the feed store tomorrow and I’ll need both of you.”
“Do
you think he knows what we did?” I asked.
“It’s
all right, they don’t care. Come on, we need to get to sleep. You don’t
have to
go back to your bed.”
I
snuggled up against him and it was morning before we knew what hit us.
Dec. 31, 1964
Dear
Jeff,
Tonight,
Donny is taking me out to one of the ranches for a New Years Eve party.
I’m
kind of nervous because, as they say, first impressions are lasting
impressions
and I don’t want to appear too gay. Donny says I’m being paranoid, but
I’m
afraid of the cowboys around here. They’re just too damned masculine.
Of
course, some of the boys are really cute in their jeans and Western
shirts.
There’s this one kid who comes in with his father who looks just like
Brandon
De Wilde in the movie Hud. You know I think he’s cute.
Yesterday,
Dad took me for a ride in his pickup. We went up to the top of a little
knoll
on the west side of the valley. When we got up there I saw a man with a
scoped hunting
rifle slip behind a tree. I was going to ask Dad about the man, but he
got to
me first.
“Don’t
worry about him,” he said, “you’ll probably never see him again.”
We
got out and walked to the opposite side of the parking area. There was
a good
view of the entire valley. It was a good place to be if you wanted to
watch
everyone in the valley.
“This
is Lifeboat,” Dad said. “I know you’re still getting used to being here
and I
know you still have a lot of memories from before, but, Jimmy, I want
you to
know all of this will be your home for the next few years, until you go
to
college.”
“Well,
you’ve certainly impressed me,” I said.
“There’s
another part to Lifeboat you must understand,” Dad said. He sounded as
if this
part was the most important part. “Lifeboat is really like a lifeboat.
It’s
like you were on a ship in the ocean and you fell overboard. For the
first
hour, or so, you watched the ship sail on without you. Then you were
alone.
After awhile you’d have begun to believe you were not going to be
rescued.
After a day, or so, if a shark hadn’t eaten you, you’d begin to believe
you
were going to die. Along about the time you finally decide to slip
under the
waves and die, a lifeboat comes along and saves you. Only, you can’t
get back
to your ship because it has sailed on. There’s no place for you on that
ship.
You have to live on the lifeboat and save other people who fall
overboard. Do
you understand?”
“Yeah,
I think so,” I said. I didn’t tell him I didn’t want to live here
forever. I
had a boyfriend waiting for me. I had to believe Geoff was waiting for
me. I
had to get out of the lifeboat.
“Well,
don’t let it trouble you,” Dad said. “We bring all the newcomers up
here. It’s
part of the tour. You’re going out the Dilmon ranch tonight with Donny,
and, in
reality, that’s part of the tour, too. They’re good people and not like
most of
the other ranchers around here. One of their boys is gay, so they kind
of
understand what you and Donny are going through.”
“Can
I ask you something?”
“Yeah,
I suppose.”
“Is
Donny your real son? If it’s a Lifeboat secret, I’ll understand, but he
doesn’t
look anything like you or Mom.”
“You
don’t either and we have a birth certificate that shows you as being
our son.”
“Oh,
in other words, what I used to be no longer exists.”
“That’s
about as much as you need to know, right now.”
Secrets,
that’s what this place lives on. You never know if you’re dealing with
a real,
regular person or someone saved by a lifeboat. I didn’t know how I was
going to
do it, but I was going to get out of this place.
Jan. 1, 1965
Dear
Jeff,
I
had the best New Years Eve ever. The Dilmons were wonderful. If I
could’ve
chosen who to live with in Lifeboat, the Dilmons would’ve been my first
choice.
There’s so many of them. There had to be twenty kids out there and they
are all
“theirs” in the Lifeboat sense.
After
a wonderful dinner of hamburgers, hot dogs, potato salad, cole slaw,
and
homemade fries, everybody went into this humongous family room where
they had a
stereo. They played mostly forty-fives from the Forties and Fifties,
dance
numbers that Mom and Pop Dilmon liked. Around ten it was time for the
little
ones to go to bed and there were a lot of long faces, but Mom Dilmon
put on a
seventy-eight Disney story that put most of the littlest kids right to
sleep.
We
just talked for about an hour—to let the little kids get to
sleep—then
Pop Dilmon put the dance records back on. All night they kept trying to
get
Donny to dance with me, but he wouldn’t do it.
“He’s
my brother,” Donny kept saying. “I’m not going to dance with my
brother.”
They’ve
got him so brainwashed it was almost pathetic. I got the impression
that Pop
Dilmon is some sort of rebel with the Lifeboat organization. From what
some of
the kids were saying, he was all in favor of people going back to their
old
lives if it is safe for them to do so. I hope I get to see more of him
because
I’d like to think he might be an ally in my escape.
Most
of the night I danced with Patty, she’s one of three sixteen year olds.
She has
dark hair that she keeps kinda short. “I ride horses, not bicycles,”
she said
as a reason for her hair. And, she has large breasts and a rather trim
body.
She’s only a little taller than me. On our first dance, she said,
“Don’t think
you can grope me ’cause I’ll slug you.” To which I said, “Keep them big
things
away from me, I’m gay.” By twelve-thirty, we were dancing all the slow
numbers
and getting real close. We kissed when Donny and I left. She said, “Too
bad
you’re gay, I’d like you to be my boyfriend.” To which I said, “I’m
kinda sorry,
too.”
When
we got home Donny seemed kind of out of it. I wanted to talk, but he
went right
to bed. I got in my bed and turned onto my side facing away from him.
Sometime
later I felt him climb into my bed. He scooted up against me and I felt
his
erection against my leg. He put an arm down across my chest and held me
tight
as he began to hump my leg.
“I’m
not asleep,” I said.
“It
doesn’t matter, neither am I.”
And,
he kept rubbing himself against me until he came. Then he went to sleep
still
holding me. I had a feeling he wanted to fuck me, but didn’t have the
nerve to
ask so he did what he did. What surprised me is I didn’t do anything. I
didn’t
even get hard. Donny was using me the way Stevie did.