This story describes the relationship and love life of two underage fictional boys. Any likeness between the characters of this story and real people are purely coincidental. If it is not legal to view this type of material, or you are not 18 years of age, read at your own risk. All material pertaining to this story is copyrighted to the author. Do not repost without permission.
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He was running away.
He'd hit me.
His words were still ringing in my ears.
"Two god damn years, Blake...I wouldn't have told anyone...leave me alone!"
It had all happened so quick. We didn't even get a chance to talk. I felt like hiding. I felt like crying. I felt worse than dirt.
My heart felt like it was dying.
I didn't realize it was him when I sat next to him in class that morning. He was just another good looking guy I felt like getting to know. His light green eyes showed a universe of feelings when he looked up from putting away his computer. His dirty blond hair was cut shorter and gelled haphazardly, which made him all the more attractive. He was wearing a loose fitting t-shirt and cargo shorts. His arms looked kinda scrawny, but firm. His legs, on the other hand, looked powerful, like he was a runner or swimmer.
I had the strangest feeling I knew him, but I didn't know for sure. That was, of course, until roll call was called.
"Jason Develin," the old hag of a teacher called. I jerked back when I heard the name. He looked at me, and I tried to relax. Could it really be him? Could an old friend really be here, in my school?
When the teacher called my name, I carefully watched his reaction. It was the same as mine, if not worse. He looked like someone had just told him he had cancer or something.
We didn't get a chance to talk. Hell, I didn't even get a chance to give him a "welcome to my school" smile before the teacher started handing out assigned seats. It really sucked. We were on opposite ends of the same row, so we couldn't easily have a conversation. I saw him craning to see me every so often, as if to check that I was still there. I'd try to acknowledge him, but every time I looked at him, he turned away, almost as if he wasn't interested anymore.
Then came the introductions. This was going to be interesting. He had told me and our old friends about his sexuality nearly two years ago. Problem was, I'd never told him I felt the same way. I hadn't realized it till then. Oh yeah, this would be interesting.
The introductions started in the row in front of us, and moved along. Soon, it was his turn. He stood, looking relatively confident considering he'd just seen a friend he probably hadn't expected to see for the rest of his life.
"Hey everyone," he said, looking around at everyone in the room, "my name's Jase. I just moved here from out east a couple months ago. My favorite sport is hockey, my favorite food is swordfish steaks grilled with a squirt of lemon, I have two dogs, a rottweiler and a black lab, my favorite color is cherry read, I love history, and I'm gay."
The rest of the class looked at him with the usual mix of reactions. Some didn't care. Some were discreetly glancing between me and him. And, of course, there were the few who were looking at him with distaste plainly painted on their faces. But he played it cool, and just dropped back into his chair like what he just said was the most ordinary thing in the world.
I watched him for a few minutes as the kids between us did their introductions. His gaze kept darting between me and a gash in the corner of his desk.
Then, it was my turn. Oh, how I hoped he'd understand.
"Hey guys," I looked around, letting my gaze linger on Jase, "name's Blake. I know some of you, and most of you know me, at least from sports if not more personally. I like hockey and pizza, don't have any pets, my favorite car is the Ford Mustang, and as most of you already know, I'm gay."
I dropped down into my chair, and looked at Jase. His eyes were wide in shock, even though the kids around him were giving him very questioning stares. But slowly, the look changed. It changed to anger. I couldn't see it, but I'm sure he'd balled his fists under his desks. He was doing a good job keeping himself in control though, as was obvious by his deep, steadying breaths.
Oh yeah, that went well. I would just talk to him after class.
Worry is one of those emotions that makes clocks slow down. While I tried to concentrate on the stuff our teacher kept throwing in front of us, I couldn't help but look up at the clock every couple of minutes. The class passed at an agonizingly slow pace. And to make it worse, every time I tried to catch Jase's attention, he ignored me.
Finally, class ended. Jase was out of the room in a flash, and I rushed to keep up with him.
"Hey Jase, hold up!"
He ignored me, pressing his way through the crowd of students. I pushed harder, however, and closed the gap.
Jase, come on," I called, "wait a minute."
Go away Blake," he said angrily, "I don't want to talk right now."
Ouch, that hurt. I didn't let it show, as much as I wanted to.
"Jase, come on, what's wrong?"
I knew the instant it left my lips that that was absolutely the worse question I could have asked at that moment. The anger in his eye when he spun around hit me like a fist in the face.
"What's wrong?" he asked, his voice cracking because he was so angry. "What's wrong? What the hell do you think is wrong?"
Pretty much everyone within ear shot was looking at us. This was not at all what I wanted to happen.
"Calm down, man," I said, reaching out to put my hand on hi shoulder. He batted it away.
"No, Blake, I'm not going to calm down," he said, his voice lower, but still full of anger. "Two years, Blake. Two fucking years. I told you guys! I fucking told you! And now, after all the shit you put me through, it turns out you're gay to? Do you have any fucking idea what that feels like?"
I looked at my feet, then back at his face. He was right, I knew it. That day was burned into my memory. The look in his eyes told me it was the same for him. He had been so straight forward about it...
* * * * * * * * * *
Two years ago, we were starting middle school. Jase and I hadn't been very close friends in elementary school, but we liked each other, and would hang out with one another over the summer. I didn't know I was gay at this point. I hadn't thought about it. He obviously did.
It was about two weeks into the year when he told us. He was standing behind his usual chair at our lunch table. I gave him an inquiring look, but he shrugged it off. A mutual friend of ours, Devin, sat down and also looked at him.
"Something wrong Jase?" Devin asked.
"No, I'm just waiting for everyone to get here," Jase replied, looking at the lunch line, "I've got something to tell you guys, and I'm not sure I should be sitting while I tell you."
That was weird. He'd never said anything like that before. Usually when someone has something to say, they didn't wait for everyone to get there. It's tell each person as they come. Whatever this was, it was going to be big.
But then, I had something big to tell them to, but didn't have the guts to tell them, yet.
"I have to tell everyone. I don't think I'll be able to stomach telling the lot of you more than once."
He laughed, good naturedly. But somehow, I got the feeling that this wasn't something to be laughing over. Unfortunately, I could only sit and wait.
Finally, the last in the group sat down. Devin, being the most social person in the group, got everyone's attention by loudly banging his fist on the table.
"Okay guys, shut up and listen," Devin said, looking at Jase, "Jase here's got something to say to us."
"Yeah," he said, holding onto the back oh his chair nervously, "look guys, we've known each other for a while now. Crap, how can I say this. I don't want to screw up the whole friends thing we've got going, but I think, no I know, I have to tell you guys this."
Everyone was watching him. He'd known some of these guys since first grade. He'd only known me for about two years. The look on his face told us that this was something he was struggling to tell us, but it was obvious from the tone of his voice that he absolutely had to tell us. This was something big. I couldn't look at him though. His little speech had me thinking of what I'd have to tell them all eventually.
I didn't notice the hurt look that passed over Jase's face when he looked at me.
"The thing is, guys," he continued, "I'm gay."
Wow. Dead silence from the group. A quick glance told me everything I needed to know about how everyone felt. Most of the guys looked a bit uncomfortable, but didn't seemed to harshly effected. Others looked down right hostile. Me, I was a bit shocked. I couldn't bring myself to look at Jase. Something inside me snapped at that moment. What, I didn't know...yet.
"Well, that's that," he turned to walk away, "I'm gonna go sit with some other friends then..."
"It's okay Jase, you can still sit here," Devin said. He was one of the guys who'd looked like they hadn't cared. One of the other guys shot him an angry look.
"I don't want to sit with a fag," the other kid said.
"Get over yourself," Devin retorted, "you've been friends with Jase for, what, two years? Just because he's told use he's gay doesn't mean he's all of a sudden an enemy of the state."
A small smile crept across my face. But it faded quickly. I felt Jase look at me again, but I kept my eyes down, staring at my food. Something inside was wrestling with the rest of me, and whatever it was was winning. This was going to be an interesting year.
But how could I have missed that hurt look in his face?
* * * * * * * * * *
"Two god damn years, Blake," he said, his voice barely audible. "Then you moved. Was this why? Did I make you confront your own sexuality or something?"
"No, Jase, it's not like that," I replied, taking a step closer to my old friend, "it's just-"
"You could have told me!" he pushed me away, wiping a tear out of his eye. "I wouldn't have told anyone, Blake, anyone at all. I wouldn't have told god if you told me not to. You're the god damn reason I came out to you guys, and you said nothing, NOTHING!"
I put my hand on his shoulder. He tensed and in an instant, turned and backhanded me, hard. The smacking sound resounded remarkably well in the hall. He looked at me with tears shining in his eyes, then turned and ran.
It felt like someone had just run over my heart with a semi truck.
Stay on the look out for the next chapter of Killing Loneliness