This story describes the relationship and love life of two underage fictional boys. Any likeness between the characters of this story and real people are purely coincidental. If it is not legal to view this type of material, or you are not 18 years of age, read at your own risk. All material pertaining to this story is copyrighted to the author. Do not repost without permission.
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Previously, in Killing Loneliness:
He looked at me, a weird mix of expressions on his face.
It was going to be a long evening.
Oh my God. No, he wasn't...he didn't...
Did I ignore him then? The party was so long ago, and yet...
* * * * * * * * * * *
I was going to be late. It was going on 7:30. Devon would have the rest of the band up and playing, waiting for their lead singer and guitarists by now. The house would be full of people, most I probably didn't know the names of. All we had done was stick up flyers around the school announcing a New Years Eve concert/party. Of course, there was an RSVP list thing - Devin's mom didn't want the whole student body over at her house.
I got to the front door, probably the last one to arrive, and listened for a few minutes. Music was playing rather loudly, so I assumed Devin had the rest of the band jamming on the small stage we'd built last week. Cheers went up when they stopped, and I decided to make my entrance.
I took two steps into the house before someone noticed I was there. Then, all hell seemed to break around me. People were pulling and pushing me, slapping me on my back, telling me it was about time I got there. I just smiled and laughed with them while surveying the room. Lots of people were there, and like I figured, I only knew a few.
The crowed ushered me onstage, where Devin handed me a guitar. I pluck the strings to make sure it was tuned right, then started playing. Me and the guys had planned out what we were going to play a few days ago, so there wasn't a lot of talking. Just music and singing.
We played for about an hour, starting with our own songs, then taking requests. We played what we knew, or what we could guess at. A lot of the songs requested were by Staind, so we knew most of them. Everyone tells me I sound a lot like Aaron Lewis, Staind's lead singer. I don't think so, but if it's what the people want, I was happy to please.
After we finished playing, I started to mingle. People were complimenting on my playing and singing mostly. I spied Jase sitting in the corner of the room, and felt an urge to go talk to him. I looked around, and instead headed outside onto the deck.
The cold air felt good on my skin. It was snowing; light fluffy, slowly falling snow. It was like being inside a snow globe the way the wind was causing the snow to drift and fall.
"Blake?" I heard a quiet voice say from behind me.
I looked over my shoulder and smiled slightly.
"Oh, hey Jase," I said. I felt another urge to go to him. He was so...sad?...no, not sad. The look in his eyes showed longing, I guess.
He watched me for a few minutes, and I noticed his shoulders sag a little bit. He walked over to me, and leaning on the banister, watching the snow fall.
"What's up?" I asked, quietly, leaning on the banister next to him. He continued to watch the snow.
"Nothing, really," he said, a pained smile crossing his face.
"You're lying," I replied, looking at him with a hopefully soft, kind glance.
"So, what's up?"
He twitched and leaned towards me. His whole body shuddered as he forced himself to stop and lean away. His eyes looked a bit misty, like he was going to cry. I wanted to wrap my arm around him, to comfort him. My mind was racing a million miles an hour. I didn't know what to do. I felt for him, I wanted to help him. I wanted to love him.
But it would only lead to pain.
"Jase, I know you've had a rough time the last couple of months," his eyes held a longing in them. His mouth was open a little, like he was going to say something. "I wish I could help, but..."
"Blake," he interrupted, "look, there's something I need to tell you."
His eyes were kinda misty again. Maybe he was feeling some of the pain I was.
"Blake, I know we're not great friends," he continued, "or even that close. But there's...something...I dunno, there-"
He was starting to shiver. Not from the cold, but from nerves. If he was going to say what I thought he was going to say, I had to get out of there. I didn't want that kind of pain.
"Jase, you ok? You're shaking like mad..."
I moved to go inside, but he stayed were he was and kept talking.
"I'm fine Blake, just listen for a minute..."
"Jase, whatever it is, it's ok."
I screwed him at that moment. I'd worked my way out of the situation, and didn't bother with the consequences.
He had a failed look on his face.
"Blake, you're not listening..."
"Don't worry about it Jase," the smile on my face never reached my eyes, I could feel it. "I'm going back to the party. See you around."
I turned my back on him.
I felt like a hallow shell.
* * * * * * * * * * *
"Jase..." I started as he watched me through subsiding tears. "I didn't want to hurt anyone. Not Devin, or Kyle, or Steven...and especially not you."
He smiled weakly. I tried to smile back, but couldn't manage it.
"After you told everyone you were gay, I started to think about...everything. You guys meant the world to me back then."
"And what about now?" he asked, his smile fading a little. "Why didn't you stop to think about everything sooner?"
"Because, Jase, I was fucking scared!"
"And how the hell do you think I felt when I came out to you guys? For all I knew, you were all gonna gang up and beat the shit out of me!"
"You don't understand..."
"Oh, I understand all right," he smiled smugly, "I understand perfectly. You never went on a date, just like me. We were in the same boat, only you had every girl from our grade through twelfth drooling over you. But then, I jumped ship and flat out told everyone I was gay. Where did that leave you?"
"Shut up Jase!" I could feel the heat in my cheeks. This wasn't suppose to happen.
"You said you didn't want to hurt any of your friends. You said you didn't want to hurt me..."
Tears started to stream own is cheeks.
"...But you wouldn't even let me in. You wouldn't let me tell you. You brushed me off."
"GET THE HELL OUT OF MY HOUSE!"
I felt my own tears burn down my cheeks.
This wasn't suppose to happen.
I slammed whatever I could on the way out of his house. I shoved roughly past his mom, as his cries came rolling down the stairs after me. Not even getting outside helped. I could still hear him through his open window.
My tears were flowing freely now. I wanted to get away from this place, and the cries of agony coming from the other side of the house.
I ran as fast as my legs would carry me. Nothing mattered at that moment except to get away from that pain.
When I finally stopped running, I was in the park. The forest surrounded me here. The peacefulness of it though, didn't suit the mood my heart was in. I let out a long, low wail of utter despair.
"Is this what the universe wants from me?" I said aloud, slumping against a tree. "He was my friend, damn it! Bad fucking enough that I had to leave him and the rest of those guys behind, but now this?"
No one answered. My tears felt like fire streaming down my cheeks.
It wasn't fair.
He wanted me, but I pushed him away. Did I do it on purpose, or was I just being oblivious?
The sun was down by now. The night was still warm. My tears had slowed, and only the occasional sob wracked my body. My heart felt like a flag after being battered and torn in a storm.
The question was, was this the end of the storm, or just the eye?
Stay on the look out for the next episode of Killing Loneliness