Studying for my finals was no problem. It was the studying I was doing for Tyler that had me wiggling in my seat with stress and worry.
At times like this, I really wish I had a lock on my bedroom door. Because the second I typed the word 'sex' into the search engine, I got about a BILLION suggested links all at once. And there were all to sites that...umm...made me turn colors from the content they had. Somehow, I don't really think that was what I was looking for. I mean...why does sex suddenly have to lead to hard core pornography and fetishes and torture and stuff? Why can't it just point me in the direction of a website that tells me how to truly express my 'love' somebody in a physical way? A place where I can ask honest questions and get well informed answers? I don't WANT to see a 45 year old woman take it in the ass and get raped by a 24 inch donkey dick!!! And I don't want to see big cock gay rough house gangbangs either! I just....sighhhh....I want something that's gonna help me not look like a stupid 'virgin' in front of the boy I love. That's all.
The pictures and the websites that got brought up....my God! Okay, so...like...that's definitely not what I was looking for. And when I typed in 'love' instead, all I got was poetry and celebrity fan sites and other stuff that was equally unsatisfying as far as my search was concerned. It's like...'love' and 'sex' have been separated by this giant wall on the internet...and there's absolutely no way for anyone to have a foot in both territories at once. It's like they're not even 'related' to one another. And I have to admit...it made me wonder if maybe I had things all wrong. Maybe you can either love somebody and be happy with a kiss and a few giggles...or you can get down and dirty with some hot sweaty sex, and just shoot cum everywhere and suck and swallow and never go beyond that. It gives you a weird perspective when you look at this stuff for long enough. And while a lot of the boys were cute, as always...none of them were my Tyler. So really...what's the point?
I kept my ears open for every time my mom or daddy walked past my door. I was terrified that they'd suddenly open the door and see some big gay orgy on my computer screen. I've seriously gotta think about changing the furniture in my room around so my computer screen is facing the other way, and my parents or my Gramms can't see it the second they come in. I tried to turn the monitor a bit, and made sure to sit in front of it so I could block as much as possible with my frail little body. But I still didn't feel safe looking at some of this stuff.
Yeah....I kinda started looking at the porno thingies. And I KNOW it's naughty, but...I kinda want to know this stuff. Just in case! I mean...we're talking about Tyler Jordan here! He already touched me once, I came all over myself! If we stay together...he's....awwwww, he's gonna want me to have sex with him! And I can barely stand KISSING him without passing out and falling on the floor! I can't even IMAGINE what I'm gonna do the first time I see that gorgeous boy NAKED! It's gonna KILL me! I'm TOTALLY gonna die right there on the spot! I'm never going to be cool enough to see Tyler naked and not wanna cry! NEVER! I just.....I..UGH!!! I've gotta figure out how to...um...'do' some of the stuff he might wanna do with me. I mean....I've gotta do it and not...like...look like I don't know what I'm doing.Even though I don't.
I just know that it's gonna be AWESOME for me to share my very first time with Tyler. And....and I want soooooo bad for it to be special for him too. I want him to feel like...he made the right choice, by taking a chance on me.
I looked at some pictures, and tried to imagine me and Tyler doing stuff like that. Some of them were REALLY hot too....but...I didn't know if that was possible. I mean...do people really put their tongue in places like that? I don't know. That seems weird. Ummm...but I like the 'butt' stuff a lot. Especially when they're face to face. I don't know how flexible I am, but that would be the bestest thing in the world. To have Tyler...you know...'inside me'...and looking down into my eyes and stuff. And then...and then he'd, like...kiss me deep on the lips, but he'd still be moving in and out of me...and....sighhhhhh....I could hold his head, and tangle my hands in his soft blond hair. And I could taste his tongue, like...like when he kisses me really deep, you know? And we'd be naked and..and...I could slide my hands down his back, and hold onto his bottom..and like, squeeze it while he speeds up and just...'takes' me. Omigod...that little fantasy alone had me so hard that I had to scoot my chair back from my computer desk just to keep my boner from scraping the underside of the drawer.
There was another cool picture, where the little guy was sitting on the bigger guy's lap, facing him. And the bigger guy was gripping his ass cheeks. Like...like he was guiding him up and down on his lap. Which has always been a big Tyler fantasy for me. So...I was even harder, and had to kinda press it down with my hand as I tried to get some temporary relief from the strain. I saw some doggy style pictures too, but...awww, I wanna see Tyler's face. I never wanna look away from him. He's....he's too rad to look away from, you know? He's pretty. He's soooooo damn pretty.
I saw a lot of blowjob pics, but they didn't really show me, like...HOW to do it right. I know you're not supposed to use your teeth. That's pretty much a given. I wouldn't want anybody scraping their fangs against my manhood either. GASP! Omigod...what if I HURT him??? I'm not very good at ANYTHING! What if I, like, bite him or something and he starts bleeding and he has to go to the hospital or something??? How the fuck do we explain THAT? Some random stranger 'bit' him and now he's hemorrhaging uncontrollably from the penis? I...I don't know...maybe I should wait a while before I blow him. Awwww, but....it's Tyler! He's gonna be all candy sweet and warm in my mouth. I WANNA blow him! I just...don't want to cause him any serious damage while I'm doing it. If I get too excited, I'll end up castrating him or something! Arrrgh!
Ok....ok, this looks a bit better. It's like...a bit more 'soft core'. More kissing and just smooth naked bodies being...together. And that's more like what I'm looking for. I was clicking through a bunch of thumbnail pictures of guys making out and just holding each other. Sighhh....yeah, that's more like it. They said they were 'twinks'. I don't know what the heck a 'twink' is...but if this is it, that's more like me and Tyler than all that booty ramming stuff I saw before. I looked at the pictures and kinda closed my eyes to let my mind fill in all of the appropriate blanks to make it as sensual and erotic as possible. Omi-GAWD...in my mind, the sex between me and Tyler is so outrageously mind-blowing! Seriously! After about ten minutes of looking at the pictures, I had to scoot back a bit and unzip my pants just to give my hardness some more room. It was straining sooo HARD against my pants that I just couldn't STAND it any more!
I kinda peeked over my shoulder for a second, and wondered if I could just...you know...have a quick one. Just REALLY quick! For...um...relief you know? I didn't hear anything, and it seemed to be alright. So I reached down...and I unzipped my pants. I was so heated that it felt good to give it some air. I let my hardness stick up out of the opening in my boxers, and I swear, the second I licked my hand and placed my hand around it...my MOM opened the door! It was one of those things where she 'knocks'...but she's, like, knocking and opening the door at the same time. Which TOTALLY defeats the purpose of knocking in the first place!
I was scared to death of getting caught with my pants open, but I was even MORE terrified of being caught with a computer screen full of gay porn! So I instantly DOVE forward to cover my monitor by hugging it to my chest until I could get back to the homepage! And since I didn't have time to close my zipper without her seeing me...I had to just scoot back under the desk as fast as the wheels on my chair would allow!
Um...yeah, that desk drawer was a little bit lower than I was expecting it to be. You want to know how to instantly lose an erection? Try 'banging' the tip of it on a desk drawer! "Owwwwww....." I moaned, almost doubling over in agony. My tip was already super sensitive from being so...stimulated. Omigod, it HURT! I literally almost had tear creeping up into my eyes by the time my mom had opened the door all the way. I NEED a lock on that door!
"Ariel, honey? Are you ok?"
No. Not at all. "Umm...uhhh...owww..." I said, trying to suck it up as best as I could while my deflating hard on throbbed in pain. "Yes?" I think I was alright. But I won't know for sure until I look, now will I And to be honest...I didn't want to see. I hope I didn't, like, mutilate myself or anything. "What???" I didn't want to sound too frustrated, but that's kinda hard to do with an aching penis.
"When I was on the other line, your friend Tyler called. I told him you'd call him back in about fifteen minutes." She did WHAT? Awww...it's hard enough just answering the phone when he calls ME. Now I've gotta find the guts to call HIM?
"Oh...um, ok." I said, trying not to fall out of my chair.
"Are you sure you're ok?" She asked me.
"I'm ok. I just...yeah, I'm ok." Please go already. Please?
She gave me an odd look, and waited for a second or two. Then I noticed that she looked at my computer screen. Thankfully, it was clear of 'contraband', so she didn't really pursue it any further. "Well, alright. Dinner will be ready in about 20 minutes, ok?"
"Ok, Mom." I said, getting a bit more annoyed that she wasn't just..gone yet.
She closed my door, but left it open a crack as she walked back downstairs. Ugh! My parents can be SO overprotective! Geez! What do they think I'm doing up here anyway? Building BOMBS?
I slowly scooted my chair back, and caressed my poor soft damaged penis with a careful hand. The tip of it still had a bit of a 'sting' to it, and I held it for a few seconds, hoping and praying that I didn't find any kinda of scar or anything. So help me, if I see one drop of blood, I'm gonna faint right here on my bedroom floor. Luckily, after close and careful examination, it looks like I just banged it up a little. Nothing major. Geez, the way it was hurting I would have thought I had practically cut it in half. I don't plan to EVER do anything that stupid again anytime soon. Next time...getting rid of the porn comes SECOND. The boner comes first.
Ok...so...I looked at my phone for, like, five minutes without picking it up. I didn't even know that I was pacing until I nearly hit my toe on the side of my dresser. I wish Tyler would call me again. This is never easy for me. He KNOWS that! He does this to tease me. I just know he does. Sighhhh...but I wanna talk to him. I wanna hear my boyfriend's voice. I heard myself whimper out loud as the thought crossed my mind. My 'boyfriend'. Tyler Jordan is my boyfriend. Mine. I almost got lost in a daydream right then and there, but had to shake myself out of it so I could focus. In a perfect world, I could just walk over there and pick up the phone and...just...talk to him without being so scared all the time. In a perfect world, anyway.
Ok, this is silly. I'm calling. No wait! I should um....I should....no. No, I'm not gonna make any excuses, I'm just gonna call. Because...Tyler said I could. He WANTS to talk to me. So...so yeah. I'm calling.
My fingers still shake a bit when I dial his number. It's, like, this exact sequence of numbers that put me in touch with heaven itself. I had to hold onto the receiver with both hands as I waited for him to pick up. "Hello?" OMIGOD, he sounds so cute! I almost squealed and hung up the phone!
"Uhhh...hey...Tyler. It's...it's me." I said.
"Awesome! Hold on a second, ok?" He said it all happy and sweet. For some reason, that made me even MORE nervous. I'm such a GEEK about this love stuff. Tyler hurried into his room and shut the door, "Ok, I'm here. What's up?"
"No big adventures today? Yeah, me either. Studying for next week and all"
"I banged my penis on my desk." What? NO!!! What the fuck did I tell him THAT for???
"Hahaha! You did WHAT?" He kept giggling in the cutest way, and even though I was squirming over the fact that I was being a lovesick idiot here...just hearing Tyler laugh did soooo much to feed my soul. "You have NO idea how much I love you, Ariel. Thank you. I needed the laugh today"
"Oh yeah? Well...cool." I said, giggling a bit myself. "Umm...I thought about you today."
"Did you?" He said, his voice softening a bit. "I thought about you too. That's kinda why I wanted to call. I missed you." I tried to sit on my bed to keep my knees from giving way, but the second my butt touched the mattress, I found myself sliding all the way down to the floor where I could 'wiggle' more. Nobody makes me wiggle like Tyler does. Nobody.
"I just saw you yesterday..." I said, biting my lip to keep from smiling so much.
"I know, but...sometimes...it's not enough, you know? Sometimes I just wanna be close to you, and you seem so far away." He said. Wow. I mean, like...like...wow. I wiggled down even further until I was laying on my back on the bedroom floor. If I could slide any further down, I'd melt right through to the basement. "I wanted to know if maybe you wanted to do something tomorrow. Just for a little while? I just....I wanna see your smile again before the weekend is over."
Hehehe, I rolled over on my side again, and noticed that I was extremely hard all over again. I couldn't find a comfortable position, so ended up on my back again, my knees knocking together as I tried to sit STILL for five seconds! "Tyler..." I blushed.
"What? I'm serious." He smiled.
"Hehehe, no you're not. C'mon."
"Really..." He promised me. "...I wanna see you. Can you come out tomorrow? Please? Hehehe, just for a little while. So we can spend some time together."
"Ummm....uhhh..." I already KNEW the answer! But for some reason, it was really hard to say it out loud. It was like giving myself over to a dream "...Yeah. I'll come out."
"Sure. I guess. I mean...since you wanna see my 'smile' and all." I teased, and felt the butterflies in my stomach almost lift me up off the floor I was just kidding around, but it made Tyler laugh. Awww...I made him laugh. But, like...not AT me. Just a sweet chuckle or two. Sometimes Tyler tries to hide his laugh, or hold it back, and that just makes it even more adorable. There's just something so sexy about it. "What are we gonna do?"
"I don't know. We'll think of something. I'll come over about noon, k? We can just take a walk together or something. Just so long as I get to see you." He said.
"Ok." I shouldn't have said it, but something made me blurt it out anyway, "You're too cute to love me this much. You know that right?" I kinda cringed when the words left my mouth, because the LAST thing I wanted to do was remind the most beautiful boy in the world that's basically 'slumming' just wanting to be with me. There was a short pause, and I said, "I'm sorry. I'm being a dork again, aren't I?"
"Hehehe, yeah. But it's ok. I just want to get another chance to make you feel beautiful, Ariel. Because you are. You're more beautiful than you'll ever realize. And that just makes you all the more amazing." He told me "I have to go, but I love you, ok? I love you soooo much, and I'm gonna be counting the minutes until I get to see you again."
"Th-th-thanks, Tyler." I said, feeling this invisible wave of emotion swelling me up until I was almost ready to pop.
"I'll be thinking about you." He said quietly.
"You too. I LOVE you!" I blurted out. "I just...I love you. It feels good to say it."
"You're my angel. Love you, and I'll see ya soon, Ariel." And he actually made a little 'kissy' noise before hanging up the phone. Which had my heart beating three times its normal speed. I held the phone against my chest and just tried to breathe as I stared up at the ceiling. Grinning from the ticklish feeling of joy racing through my veins at the moment.
"Ariel? Wash up. Dinner's ready." My mom called upstairs, and it took me a second or two to find the breath to answer.
"Ok, Mom! I'll be down in a minute!" I called back, and when I looked at where I was on the floor, I had practically slithered my way to the other side of the room completely. Another five minutes of conversation, and I would have been out in the hallway. I rolled over on my side again, and curled up a bit in a feeble attempt to contain my love and keep from exploding. I whined and whimpered from the nearly painful feeling of knowing that somebody out there really loved me so much that he wanted to get together just to see my smile. How awesome is that? How can this be REAL? If things ever get any better than this, I don't know if I'll be able to survive it. My whole body is just...full of sparkles right now. I can't even stand. If he can do this to me over the phone...what is he gonna do when I SEE him tomorrow?
The next morning came so fast. I literally 'sprang' out of bed at like 8:30 in the morning for no reason at all. I was too anxious to go back to sleep. Which SUCKED, because I wanted to see my sweetheart, and now I had to consciously wait on the clock to bring him to me! Ugh! It was driving me CRAZY! My Gramms asked me why I was up so early, and I told her that I just couldn't sleep any more. She smiled, and said, "You are practically 'glowing' this morning. What are you up to?"
"Huh? Nothing." I said, hoping that I didn't look too guilty.
"Uh-huh." She said, and gave me a smile as she started a pot of coffee.
I had already showered and gotten dressed, and there wasn't anything on TV, but I played some video games to kill time. It didn't work very well. If anything, it just made me look at the clock even MORE, and notice how damn slow it was moving. By the time 11:30 rolled around, I was almost INSANE! And then...the doorbell!
I bolted out of my room and ran down the stairs so fast that I had to actually 'avoid' the last four or five steps completely, and jump down, just to keep from tripping up and falling flat on my face. My Gramms gave me the strangest look. "Ariel, for goodness sakes! Be careful! What's gotten INTO you?"
"Sorry, Gramms." I said breathlessly, and took a deep breath, straightening out my hair, before I opened the door. And there he was...sunshine blond, with the bluest Summer sky eyes I've ever seen! I smiled right away. I couldn't help it. And that seemed to make Tyler soooo happy. "Hi." I almost whispered.
"No construction today." He grinned.
"Huh?" I almost got lost in his beauty for a moment. "Oh...OH! Hehehe!" Once it clicked for me, I turned bright red in the face. "No. Not today. Well....it's Sunday, so..." Omigod...he's so CUTE! "You wanna come in for a few minutes? I gotta put my shoes on and stuff."
"Sure." He said, and he sorta brushed past me when he stepped in, and I got chills. He smelled so cool. Like...like warm clothes right out of the dryer. I was so enchanted that I almost forgot to close the door.
My Gramms came out of the kitchen to see who was at the door. "Hi Tyler. I hardly recognize you without my grandson pulling you upstairs or running out of the front door with you."
Tyler grinned. "Hi, Mrs. Dalton."
"Oh, just call me Gramms. Everybody does. Do you want a snack? I could make an extra sandwich or something for you if you like."
"No thank you. I ate already." I was already gently tugging on Tyler's arm, and it made him giggle. "I thought you were gonna put your shoes on."
"I AM. But I want you to help me." I giggled.
Gramms looked at him and they shared a weird glance before she said, "Looks like your 'help' is needed."
"Yeah, right? What is that about?" Tyler said, and I yanked a bit harder. "Bye, Mrs. Dalton."
"Hehehe, and the blur continues to flash right by me." She replied, and I pulled Tyler upstairs as fast as I could. I had an insatiable urge to kiss those lips, and I wasn't going to be able to hold it in any more. As soon as I got him to my room and closed the door, I put my hands on his shoulders, bounced up on my tippy toes, and kissed him sweetly on the cheek
Then I looked in his eyes to make sure that he wasn't gonna push me off of him or anything. But he didn't. He just smiled at me and put his hands on my waist. "No fair. You beat me to it this time." He said, and he leaned forward to kiss me on the lips. Softly. Passionately. Taking my breath away. Just standing there, having him hold me, having his lips connected to mine in such an intimate way...it was perfect. Have you ever felt warm rain? That's what it felt like. Like warm rain. "Mmmm...c'mon, get your shoes. We'll go somewhere with locks on the doors." He teased, and gave me a pat on the butt with his hand as he let me go. I backed up a step or two, but I couldn't take my eyes off of him. Before I knew it, I was stepping forward again to tightly hug Tyler around the neck and just....just embrace him for a little bit longer. I let my cheek rest against his shoulder and exhaled as I tried to get myself under control again.
"Thank you for making me soooo happy, Tyler." I said softly, hoping that it didn't sound too lame. I just kept hugging him, until I think he was almost uncomfortable with it. I don't know...at that moment, I just kinda needed that.
I grabbed my shoes and slipped them on without untying them, and then, as I looked for my house keys, Tyler walked up behind me and slid his hands so lovingly around my waist. I think I instinctively leaned my head to the side, and he placed a long kiss in the nape of my neck. It drives me WILD when he kisses me there! "I love your neck. You know that?" He said, burying his nose in it a bit as it began to tickle.
"Mmm-hmm..." He said and then he rubbed his nose and lips back and forth against it, making me giggle out loud and squirm in his arms.
"Stop, stop! Ok, I give!" I said, and he let me go. And he kissed me on the lips one more time before we went back downstairs. And then we just...started walking.
No real destination, and real hurry to get there. If Tyler was truly missing my smile last night, then I was giving him enough of it to last him a whole week. I couldn't stop it. Everything he says or does or even THINKS is just beyond lovable. And sometimes, the sunlight hits his hair and his eyes just right...and he's like this mercilessly gorgeous angel! Halo of gold and everything! He had the kind of beauty that some people go their whole lives only seeing once, you know? Just knowing that I get to be a part of it made me feel blessed. So blessed.
"So what about this week? I mean, like between finals and stuff. You wanna maybe hang out a bit?" He asked me, and I think that I had been too busy staring at him to pay attention. Sometimes my emotions have me talking to him on 'autopilot' without really knowing what I'm saying.
"Hang out? Yeah. Yeah, I can hang out." I said.
"What days do you have to be at school for tests?"
"Ummm...I think Tuesday, Thursday, and then I have two on Friday."
"That's awesome." Tyler said. "I've got the same days, except I've got two on Thursday instead of Friday. But...we've both got Wednesday off. Soooo...if you wanna...come over or something...?" He asked.
I don't know why the 'feeling' behind our conversation changed at that very moment, but as subtle as it was...I felt it. "That's cool. I'd love to come over to your house, Tyler." I blushed, but that strange bit of tension was still there.
"Ok. Great." He said with a grin at my blush. "We can spend the whole day together. Just you and me." I noticed that he was being a little bit more...bashful when he said it. And something about that started to give me the shakes. "I think it'll be a good time. It really does make me crazy to think about you sometimes. Does that sound weird?"
"Um...I dunno." I said, feeling the mysterious trembles in my stomach get worse. "Thinking about you sometimes makes it hard to breathe." I told him, and he looked down for a second, his blond locks hiding his eyes from me. "I...I mean that in a good way, though."
"Hehehe, I know." He said. And then we walked in silence for a few seconds more. Then, with a shaky voice, he said, "So...you know, nobody will be home. So...." He stopped for a second and peeked over at me. Then he giggled a bit and looked away from me. "...So, uhh...we can just...have 'fun', or whatever. We won't be interrupted...or anything."
That's when I think my mind wrapped itself around what he was saying. And I suddenly wished that I had studied those gay porn websites a little bit more before coming out here today. I must have turned white, because Tyler seemed to get nervous and almost took back his offer.
"We don't HAVE to go to my house, though. If...if you'd just rather go hang out somewhere else."
"NO! I mean...we can....we can go to your house and have..." I gulped. "..'Fun' and stuff." What the heck was I DOING??? I don't know how to...um..have 'fun' with anybody! All I knew was that I was kinda desperate to try. I mean, I wanted it. I want it ALL the time! And the idea of doing it with Tyler was just....it was an ACHE that stayed with me all day long, even when I was ASLEEP! But...wanting it with my whole heart, and my heart actually being able to handle the 'reality' of it seemed to be two different things at that moment.
"Ariel...you know I love you, right? I mean, it won't matter if you wanna go somewhere else. All I want is for you to feel beautiful. That's it."
Awwww, Tyler...don't go being super sweet now! "No really, I want to. I mean, I really really wanna come over. I do." I said, and then I turned even redder in the face as Tyler's smile brightened up right in front of my eyes.
"Well...I really really want you to come over then." He giggled, and I giggled a bit out loud as I tried to keep walking straight. I was still ready to shake myself to pieces, but...I'm SO glad I said yes. I would have been kicking myself for the rest of my life if I hadn't said yes.
I saw Tyler looking at me, and we both snickered to ourselves for a moment as I asked him, "What are you looking at? Quit it. You'll make me feel weird."
"Sorry." He paused for a second, then he shook his head and said. "You're so damn adorable." It was like he was saying it more to himself than anything else, but I felt the wiggles from it regardless.
"Yep. I am." I said, trying to fake a bit of ego, and it caught him by surprise. I love catching him by surprise.
We never really did find ourselves a destination that Sunday afternoon. I don't even really remember what path we took to go where we went and come back. But it felt good to just walk by his side for an hour or two. And talk. I wish I could say that being with Tyler wasn't still a little bit scary sometimes. Because I always worry that whatever magic spell of illusion that was cast on him to make him think for one moment that I'd be cute enough to even be SEEN with him, it's gonna wear off any minute. And he'll be left wondering why the hell he wasted his time on dumb ol' Ariel But the more I get used to the idea of him loving me, even if it's only for one moment in time...the more amazing I feel. He's right. He makes me feel beautiful. Inside and out. And I only hope I can have half the impact on his heart that he has on mine.
So...Wednesday. Yeah, Wednesday. I think a 'date' has actually been set. And it's only a few days away. Wednesday we'll be alone. All day. Just him. Just me. Just us. And whatever happens...well...it just happens.
Hehehe, maybe it'll even happen TWICE!
I hope I'm ready for this. No...no that's not right. I WILL be ready for this. And it's going to be perfect. Just like everything else is when I'm around him. I just have to keep my heart beating normally until then. Easier said than done.
"The Boys Of Widow Lake"
~~~ COMING FALL OF 2009 ~~~
(ONLY available in print!)