This chapter is a bit of a digression, but it’s important to what happens later. So don’t get turned off by it. Read it, knowing it will have meaning as the story of Knots continues.
Knots is the story of two fourteen-year-old boys searching for their sexual and emotional identify. Both boys struggle with doubts about their new feelings for each other and the girls in their lives. Each chapter is either a first person account from the two boys, Matt and Andy, or a third person account with a camera's eye on the action in the story.
This story is a work of fiction. Names, characters, places, and incidents are the product of the author's imagination and are used fictitiously. Any resemblance to actual persons living or dead, events or locales, is purely coincidental and no slanderous intent is implied.
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Ernie finally got the courage to ask Carmen Martinez on a date.
“Tell you what," Matt told him. "If you ask Carmen for a date, I’ll ask Gina and we can double date. How ‘bout that?”
That was just what Ernie needed to give him the courage. Carmen was now the head sophomore cheerleader. She had dark brown hair, which she usually wore in a ponytail like Gina. She was tall and thin, could easily be a model, and moved like the wind through the trees.
Ernie called Matt. “Matt, I got the date. Couldn’t believe it. Thought for sure she was going to turn me down. Is everything all set with Gina?”
“No, she's said she couldn't go.”
“You can’t do this to me.”
“Just joking, Ernie. She liked the idea of doubling. Allan and Emily are going to join us.”
Ernie grinned. “That’ll be even better.”
Matt called Gina with a change of plans. “How ‘bout we do something different after the show? It’s always the same thing, a show then pizza. Let’s go out to the pond.”
“Sounds less scary than the park.
A picture of Andy and Emily flashed through his mind.
“There’s supposed to be a quarter moon tonight, but we should still bring flashlights.”
“It still sounds a little scary to me.”
“Allan, Emily, Ernie, and Carmen will be with us. Nothing to worry about. Put a small towel in your purse. I’ll slip one in the back of my pants.”
“And hide that beautiful butt of yours?”
“Sacrifices have to be made.”
“At least it will be more exciting than a show and pizza. How ‘bout we buy pizza and bring it with us.
“Good idea. I’ll call Ernie and Allan.”
They were walking to the pizza parlor when a light went on in Matt’s head. “Oh shit.” He blushed. “Sorry, it slipped. “How are we going to get to the pond? It’s not far, but too far to walk at night.”
Ernie cleared his throat. “My parents are gone for the weekend. Left one of the cars. Let’s take it.”
They looked at each other.
“That’s stealing,” Gina said.
“Not if you take it from your parents and return it,” Allan added.
Emily got an excited look on her face. “Let’s do it. It’ll be fun.” She looked at Carmen.
Carmen shrugged, “Sounds cool to me.”
Matt hesitated. “Ernie, are you sure about this? Your ass’ll be grass if we get caught.”
He slapped the flat of his hand on his thigh. “I don’t think I’ve ever done one exciting or daring thing in my life. It’s time I did.” He paused. “I mean, we did.”
They picked up the pizza and headed to Ernie’s. Matt poked Ernie. “What if the neighbors see us?”
“Good point. You guys wait here and I’ll pick you up.”
Allan pulled on Ernie’s shirt. “Can you drive?”
“Of course. I have my driver’s permit. Any of you 21?”
“Didn’t think so. Guess we’ll have to take our chances.”
Ernie grabbed Carmen’s hand. She resisted. “You go. I’ll wait here.”
“Okay,” he whispered. “I’ll be back in a minute.” He bent over as he walked to the front door as if he had to sneak in.
They saw headlights moving toward them a few minutes later. Carmen opened the front door and was surprised to see no bucket seats. She slid in beside Ernie and kissed him on the cheek.
“What’s that for?”
She turned his head and kissed him on the lips. “You’re a brave man, Charlie Brown. I haven’t been this excited in a long time.”
The others squeezed into the back seat. Emily sat on Allan’s lap. “I know I’m hot and all, but keep your hands to yourself.”
“You’re no fun. Can I at least put my hands around your waist?”
She wiggled on his lap. “That’ll be okay.”
Allan put his arms around her waist. She moved in closer.
Gina got in the middle and Matt moved in next to her. She looked at him expectantly. He wanted to kiss her, but didn’t. Then he wanted to kick himself for being such a coward, especially after what had happened on their first date.
Ernie turned on the radio and everyone started singing. “This is so cool,” he said.
They were joking and talking when they got to the pond trailhead. They slipped out of the car, got their flashlights, and headed down the trail with Matt leading and Allan carrying the pizza.
“I think I hear something,” Gina said.
They all stopped. “I do too,” Emily added.
“Sounds like someone’s struggling,” Ernie whispered.
Gina stepped back. “Maybe we shouldn’t go.”
“What if someone needs help,” Carmen said. “Someone might be drowning.”
Allan moved up next to Matt. “Carmen’s right. We’d better be careful in case something else is going on. Point your flashlights at the ground and turn them off when we get close to the clearing. We’ll be able to see in the moonlight.”
The sounds got louder. “Sounds like two animals having sex,” Emily said.
“Or two guys. I don’t hear a girl’s voice,” Gina said.
“Two guys?” Carmen whispered. “I wonder who it is.”
Matt thought he heard Andy’s voice and then Dillon’s. “Maybe we should turn back. No need to go further if no one’s hurt.”
Carmen stopped. “Be quiet for a second. I think I recognize one of the voices.”
Andy stopped drilling Dillon’s ass. He whispered, “I think some one’s out there.”
Dillon stood. “Fuck.” Dillon grabbed the blanket and red bag, then headed into the trees with Andy following. “Damn, I stepped on something.”
“Shhh.” They’ll hear us. Suck it up Dillon. Act like you have a cock in your mouth.”
“Now’s no time to be funny.”
“I’m serious, Dillon.”
They stood in the trees. Andy stood behind Dillon, put his right hand on his chest, pulled him close, and kissed him on the neck. “I can’t stop. Let’s finish fucking.”
Dillon leaned his head back and kissed Andy. “My ass is still hungry for your cock. Give it to me baby, but keep quiet.”
Matt kept babbling on, hoping to get them turned around so no one would recognize the voices that were now silent. “No need to find out who it is. It’s not a good idea.”
“But I want to know,” Ernie put in. “Maybe we can watch.”
Carmen hit him in the back with her fist.
“I’m not going to spend my first date with you watching other people having sex, especially two guys.”
“How about if it’s a girl and a guy,” he pleaded.
“Makes no difference.”
Allan felt the warm pizza on his hand and arm. “I don’t know about you guys, but I’m hungry. Doesn’t the smell of this pizza make you hungry? Let's get out of here since someone already has the swimming hole.”
Matt thought, Dillon probably has his cock in Andy's hole. Little did he know it was the other way around.
“Those guys sound pretty hungry,” Emily said, “It's none of our business.” She thought she heard Andy for sure. The other guy had to be Dillon.
“We should get out of here right now,” Matt said. “I don’t care who’s having sex. Like Emily said, 'It’s none of our business.'”
“But I want to know,” Ernie added.
Matt gave him a shove. “Then you go and report back to us.”
“All by myself? Anyone else want to go?”
Carmen pinched Ernie’s arm. “Let me tell you straight out Ernie Bowline, if you go, I’m never going out with you again.”
That was enough for Ernie, who hung his head, turned around, and headed back toward the car.
“Wise decision,” Carmen said. “Let’s go to my house and eat the pizza.”
“Wait a second,” Allan said. “Where’s their car. I didn’t see one when we came.”
Matt punched Allan. “Stop it. What we don’t know won’t hurt us. They probably parked it in the trees somewhere. Let’s just get to Carmen’s.”
Ernie started the car. “I’m driving and I want to see. Maybe we can tell who it is by the car.”
Carmen snuggled up next to Ernie. “Don’t worry about it. I don’t want to know?”
“I think I recognized one of the voices,” Emily said.
Allan nudged her. “Who was it?”
“I shouldn’t say. I could be wrong.”
Matt cleared his throat. “Sounded like a couple animals to me,”
Emily kicked Matt in the leg. “Human animals.”
Ernie was disappointed he missed out on some live sex. The thought excited him until he glanced at Carmen, who looked up and smiled as him as she put her arm inside his and pulled herself close.
Allan and Emily made out. Matt and Gina held hands until Matt finally got the courage to kiss her, but no tongue this time. The car went silent until they got to Carmen’s.
Andy and Dillon paused long enough to see if they could hear voices. They heard them moving away. Andy pumped harder and faster. “I love feeling your chest when I’m fucking you.”
“I love your beautiful cock in my ass.”
Andy reached down with his other hand and pumped Dillon’s cock. “This too.”
“Shit Andy. I love you so much. It’s going to be hard to stop when I turn 18. I love your cock in my ass. I love fucking you. I don’t want it end.
“Neither do I. I love you too, Dillon.” Andy thought how strange it was that he felt equal to Dillon when he had his cock in Dillon’s ass. He pumped and began to sweat. He sniffed and licked the smooth skin on Dillon’s back. “You taste so good. Oh fuck, I think I’m going to cum.”
“Andy stop. Let’s cum together. Go slow, and I’ll let you know when I’m ready. Go just fast enough to get your orgasm on the edge. You’re going to feel something you’ve never felt before.”
“You’re wrong,” Andy said. “Don’t forget the girls. Their vaginas contract and release during orgasm and can cause a guy to cum. It’s the best.”
“Yeah, I almost forgot.”
There was a short silence as Andy built slowly to his orgasm.
“Dillon, I’m on the edge.”
“I’m almost ready.” Dillon stroked his cock two more times. “I’m going to cum. Fuck, Andy. I’m going to cum.” Dillon’s cock began shooting.
Andy could feel Dillon’s prostrate pumping Dillon’s load. Andy’s climax began and ecstasy filled their bodies as they came together. “Dillon, I feel like God. You know what I mean?
“It’s been a long time since I had this feeling. You know, all pleasure. There’s no pain or worry in the world. Life is perfect. I want this to last forever.”
“Me too. I love you Andy.”
“God yes. I love you too. Please fuck me. I want your beautiful rod in my fishing hole.”
They both laughed.
Gina and I held hands and kissed on the way to Carmen’s, but all I could think about was Andy and Dillon. It was the same while we ate pizza and played Monopoly. During Monopoly, Ernie kept saying, “Matt, quit day dreaming.” I finished last.
Emily kept giving me a funny stare while we were at Carmen’s. I had a funny feeling she knew what I knew.
I kept hoping I was wrong, and it wasn’t Andy and Dillon, but it sure sounded like them. If not, then two other guys. But who? I was scared the others would find out. I wanted to grab Ernie and pull him back when he started heading toward the clearing. Thank God for Carmen.
No matter what Andy was doing, he was still my best friend, or at least I thought he was. But what if the others knew? I think Emily knows. I’m not sure about Gina. I hoped I was the only one, but doubted it.
Sleep came hard because all I could think about was how close Andy and Dillon came to being caught. When I did sleep, my dreams were X-rated. I kept wavering, unsure if I should tell Andy or not.
It bothered me that my best friend was having sex with another guy and especially Dillon Burke. Yet, the thought of it excited me a little. It made me feel guilty because, like Ernie, I wanted to watch. While sex with a guy is disgusting to most guys, I try to be open minded. I kept thinking of all the times I looked at Andy and wondered what it would be like to have kissed him back the night of the 12-step seduction. I thought I'd feel disgust, but didn’t. I felt guilty for having these thoughts, but they were only thoughts. Thoughts and actions are two different things.
The day we were out on the football field and I saw Dillon with his shirt off, I kept picturing him and Andy sucking and fucking. I wanted to jack off on the spot. Was I crazy or what?
Andy always seemed to have a clear idea of what he wanted. He wanted as much sex as possible, wanted to enjoy it, and have no strings attached. There had to be strings attached, and I was sure Dillon had Andy tied in knots.
I was afraid to talk to Andy, but felt I needed to warn him. My fear was that he'd think I was a prude, forcing my morals on him when it had nothing to do with that at all. I was afraid he’d get caught and all the homophobes would come out of the woodwork at school, on the football team, and in his life, turning it to shit and making it a living hell.
Andy and I had a mowing job first thing in the morning so I called him. I’m coming by your house a little early. We need to talk.”
“I’ll tell you when I get there.”
“Don’t bother if it’s about Dillon.”
“Dillon or not. I’m coming.”
Andy met me at the door. “So good buddy, what’s so important we couldn’t talk on the job?”
“Let’s go to your room.”
We headed down the hall into Andy’s room. I closed the door and locked it. “Were you at the pond with Dillon last night?”
“I told you I’m through talking to you about Dillon. But, fuck no. We weren't at the pond. Anyway, it’s none of your business.”
“Ernie, Allan, and I brought our dates out to the pond to go swimming after the show and everyone heard you guys.”
Andy’s face went white. He dropped back on his bed, looking up at me, grinning and trying to act like he wasn’t phased by my suspicions. “What makes you think Dillon and I were there?”
“We heard a couple animals humping each other. I could swear I heard you and Dillon grunting and groaning. And every now and then an, ‘Oh fuck. That feels good.’”
Like I said earlier, the thought of them fucking got me a bit horny, so I was surprised when I said, “The thought of it disgusted me.”
“So why are you here if it disgusted you?”
“Because I’m your best friend. I think you’re being used and you’re going to get caught. Emily thought she heard your voice too. Who knows who she might tell.”
“You’re just a moralistic asshole. What I do is my business as long as it doesn’t affect you or anyone else. It’s consensual sex after all. It’s between Dillon and me and not you or any other asshole who can’t mind their own business. Like I always say, sex is sex. It’s meant to be fun. And we always have fun.”
“Your fun would have quickly ended if Carmen hadn’t kept Ernie from going to see who it was. You know what would happen if something like this got around school?”
“Who gives a shit about all those homophobes? They’re just uptight because they can’t admit they’ve thought about getting their cock sucked by some guy or sucking one themselves. I bet even you thought about it.”
I looked down at Andy lying on the bed. “It doesn’t matter if I thought about it or not. I was on a date with a girl and not fucking some guy.”
Andy jumped up off the bed, grabbed me behind the neck, pulled me to him, kissed me, and forced his tongue inside my open mouth. I hit him in the stomach. “Asshole.”
“You liked it, didn’t you?”
“No. No. I didn’t.”
“Thou protests too much,” he said with a grin.
He was right. My best friend and maybe soon to be enemy, kissed me and stuck his tongue in my mouth. I let him do it. I was more confused than ever. I had plans for college, marriage, and a family, but Andy’s kiss gave me doubts.
I thought it would disgust me, but it didn’t. I hoped my feelings were the passing fancy of a young boy trying to find himself, as if Matt Spence was hiding behind a rock somewhere. I wondered if other guys went through the same torment, or was it just me? I kept asking this question and never got an answer.
In the end, I guess I don’t believe sex is just sex for fun. I think sex should have meaning. It can be fun and should be fun. It can be that way for gay as well as hetero couples, but it needs to be based on love and commitment, not just lust. Although, I know lust plays a part. But we have a brain as well as a penis. We need to think with our brain and not the other way around. Of course it’s a bit hard sometimes when you’re only fifteen, and from what I’ve seen, it can even be hard at fifty. Andy’s relationship with Dillon is about Dillon and Andy’s mutual lust. About two persons seeking an accomplice. I wondered what would happen to Andy if Dillon decided to move on or they were caught.
Now that I’ve said all that, my response to Andy asking me if I liked his kiss was, “I didn’t like it.”
“You just won’t admit it. I love you Matt. I’ve always loved you. But I can’t have you. Dillon loves me. He wants me, and I can have him.”
“I love you too, Andy. But love is more than sex. Don’t you realize that? I’m here because I love you. And we’ve never had sex. You’re my best friend no matter what. I don’t want to see you get hurt.”
“There goes that bullshit about not wanting to see anyone get hurt. Adults love telling us that crap. Evidently, so do best friends. Well, I haven’t gotten hurt. Dillon and I are having hot fucking sex and having fun. And poor guys like you are bored and wish you were us.”
“Maybe so. But my dad loves telling me, ‘Remember Matt, you never get anything for nothing.’ Someday, you’ll have to pay the piper because nothing’s free.”
“Nice words Matt. The problem is you don’t know what you’re talking about.”
Andy sat on the floor and stared at his feet.
“All I’m saying, Andy, is be discreet. It’d be better if you two broke things off. He's graduating at the end of the school year and you'll be here for two more years. What then? And who knows what will happen if the kids at school find out.”
Andy played with his fingers and spoke in a low slow voice. “He turns 18 on Tuesday. He says we’ll have to stop because he could go to jail. I don’t think I can bear it.”
“It’ll be worse if you get caught.”
“I’m willing to take the chance. He isn’t, unless I can convince him otherwise. By the way, he invited both of us to his birthday party this Friday. You want to be my date?”
I didn’t know what to do. I wanted to go, if for no other reason than curiosity, but knew that all I would think about was Andy and Dillon fucking the whole night while everyone acted like they knew nothing.
Andy looked up. “You want to go or not?”
“Not as your date, but as your best friend. What could it hurt? Besides, this tryst of yours will be all over on Tuesday. You can go back to women or be celibate. Our friendship can get back to normal.”
Andy stood. “I didn’t think you’d go.”
“I’m your best friend. What are best friends for if not to support each other?”
Andy gave me a big hug. “I could kiss you,” he said, “but I won’t. It’s coat and tie. You do have one of those don’t you?”
“Needs to be sent to the cleaners. Smells of dust.”
“Mine too. I think it’s time to mow those lawns.”
Emily was positive she heard Andy. She knew he had a reputation for his exploits with the girls, but she could have sworn she heard two guys. Like Ernie, she wanted to go and see who it was. The thought of Andy having sex with anyone kind of turned her on. She kept thinking of how good Andy’s stomach and chest felt that night in the park. It was smooth and she could feel the rippled muscles under his skin.
Every time she saw Andy in the hall, she thought of him naked and of what he and the girls he dated must be doing in the dark. She wanted to be one of them, but fifteen was too young. It wasn’t moral conviction because her family weren’t church people. Something in her said, Wait. There’ll be time enough. You have your whole life ahead of you.
She didn’t want to be just another one of Andy’s girls. The thought that he was having sex with a guy made her feel less desirable. She couldn’t explain it. Dillon and Andy were together all the time so she figured it had to be Dillon. She didn’t want to pass judgment, but the thought of Andy with Dillon disappointed her.
Every time she saw Dillon and Andy together, she thought how hot the two of them were. One, the thin, taut muscular guy; the other, taller, heavier, in great shape, and damn good looking. She laughed and said to herself, I wouldn’t kick either of them out of bed. Like that would ever happen.
Emily called Matt the next afternoon. “Can we meet?”
“Sure, what’s up?”
“I think you know.”
“Meet me at Burger King in fifteen minutes.”
“Got to check with my mom.”
She heard Matt ask his mother. She replied, “I have chores for you. You’ve been out all morning mowing lawns.”
“I promise to do them when I get back. I’ll only be gone an hour. Honest.”
“It’s a deal. Don’t forget though, I’d be terribly disappointed if you didn’t.”
“Thanks for the guilt trip, Mom.”
“Think nothing of it.”
Matt spoke into the phone. “See you in fifteen.”
Emily was already sitting at a booth in the far corner when he got there. He sat across from her. “So what’s up?”
“Andy and Dillon is what’s up.”
Matt squirmed. “I don’t know what you’re talking about.”
She tightened her lips, leaned in close, and whispered, “It was them at the pond last night.”
He leaned in and did the same. “You don’t know what you’re talking about.”
“I heard Andy’s voice. I know it was him. Normally, I would have figured it was a girl, except we heard two male voices and the only possibility is Dillon.”
Matt debated whether to agree with her. He let a long pause hang between them. “Let’s say it was. What are you going to do?”
“Nothing. That’s why I’m talking to you. If it was them, it’s between them. Don’t you agree?”
“I do. Do you think anyone else knows?”
Emily shook her head. “Don’t think so. If they did, they didn’t lead on. It’s lucky Ernie didn’t go in and find out.”
Matt frowned. “I talked to Andy about it this morning. He thinks he’s in love and doesn’t care what people think. Our only hope is Dillon turns eighteen Tuesday. He told Andy they’d have to stop. Believe it or not, I’m going to Dillon’s birthday party on Friday with Andy.”
Emily rolled her eyes. “Are you serious?”
“Andy’s my best friend. He wanted me to go with him. Believe it or not, Dillon asked him to bring me along.”
She grabbed Matt’s hands under the table. “Maybe he wants both of you.”
Matt frowned. “This is serious.”
“You’re telling me. You have to promise to tell me all about the party.”
“I promise. Anyway, I’ve got to go. Promised my mother I’d do chores.”
“I heard. What a nice son you are. By the way, Gina had a great time last night. Don’t you think it’s time you showed her you like her?”
“How, by putting my hands on her chest and rubbing her abs?”
“You think you’re funny, don’t you?”
“Well, answer me.”
“Look, most girls are not like boys. The emphasis is on most girls. Little things make a big difference. Buy her something, write a poem, send her flowers, touch her on the arm when you’re talking, hold her hand, or put your arm around her when you’re out on a date or walking together. Give her a peck on the cheek or lips once in awhile.”
Matt looked up as he thought about that. “I’m not sure we are that different. I’d like it if Gina bought me a gift, wrote me a poem, touched my arm when we were talking, or put her arm around my waste when we’re on a date or walking together. It would be nice if she kissed me on the lips and cheek. I’m not sure how I’d feel about the flowers though.”
“I guess you’re right, but girls aren’t expected to do those kinds of things. Guy’s are. So get off your butt and do it.”
Matt slid out of the booth and stood. "Okay, matchmaker. I'll take your advice."
Emily moved out of the booth and faced Matt. She hugged him. “Andy is lucky to have you for a friend.”
“Remember, you promised to tell me all about the party.
“Will do.” They walked out and headed in different directions. Matt turned and said, “Talk to you later.”
Chapter Quote: “Happiness is when what you think, what you say, and what you do are in harmony.” ― Mahatma Gandhi
I want to thank Andy Robert and Lisa for helping edit this chapter.