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Andy and I kind of lost our memories for a bit. Andy did come over my house that night, but it wasn't until after the football game. We had a football game that night, and he spent the evening hobbling along the sidelines during the game.
My loss wasn't lost (pardon the pun) on Frank Kutcher that afternoon as we prepared for our football game against Vintage. He and a few of his cronies, including Jackass Barnes, surrounded me at my locker.
Kutcher fired the first salvo. "And you call me a loser. Your fellow classmates don't think enough of you to elect you class president. I suggest you keep your mouth shut from now on."
I balled up my fists. Then relaxed them. No sense in being off the team. "At least I had the balls to run and even had a good chance of winning. You'd have been lucky to get five votes, and the votes would have come from these sycophants that hang around you and kiss your ugly ass."
"What the fuck is a sycophant? Speak English, Spence!"
I rolled my eyes and shook my head.
He stepped toward me so his face was inches from mine.
I shocked both him and myself by taking advantage of his closeness and kissing him. I gotta tell you that was better than punching him even though it did kinda turned my stomach.
He pulled away, pushed me against the lockers with a loud bang, and then spit in my face. "Fuck you, you disgusting, fucking fag."
I remained cool, but the idea of kissing Frank Kutcher nauseated me as much as it did him. But it just seemed better than punching him in the mouth. "You know you liked it, Frank."
"Fuck you, Spence." He wiped his mouth with the back of his hand as if he could wipe my kiss away. "You're disgusting. Yuck."
His group of sycophants turned on him. "Hey, Frank. You got a new boyfriend?"
"Did you like it? Looks like you did."
He glared at them. "Fuck you guys too."
"What was it like, Frank?" Jackass asked. "Are his lips soft? Did it give you a hard-on?"
He turned to Barnes for a second. "Now I know why they call you Jackass Barnes." His attention came back to me. Frank balled up his fists and punched them both in my chest to get me away from him. "Stay away from me. I don't want you anywhere near me. I'm not sure what's wrong with you. But then, you're a fag. What can I expect?"
"Frank, you're standing at my locker and you're telling me to stay away from you? You are the one that's screwed up. I thought you came over to kiss and make up for all the shit you've given me since you found out about me."
"You mean since I found out you like having a cock in your mouth and ass?"
I didn't respond, but all the guys laughed except Kutcher.
"Shut up, assholes." He wanted to hit me as much as I wanted to hit him. Frank didn't move at first, looking like he wasn't sure whether to leave or not. Finally, he said, "Fuck you Spence, and like I said, stay away from me."
"No problem, Frank."
With that, he walked off. His friends stayed back for a few seconds and all patted me on the back. "Nice going," Jackass Barnes said. "You may be a fag and all, but hell, it was worth everything to see you kiss Frank. He's never going to live this down."
We were truly "strange bedfellows" for a few minutes. But it just showed how little loyalty they had for one another.
Frank Kutcher wasn't himself all night. It started with the razzing he was taking at his locker from Barnes and the others, which continued on the field, and ended when Coach put me in. I patted Frank on the butt and whispered in his ear just before running out on the field. "I had no idea kissing you would throw your game off so much. I should have kissed you a long time ago. Damn, it's so much better than hitting you. Feel free to come back to my locker anytime."
He punched me in the back as I began to run out on the field.
We were behind 21 to 17 with about ten minutes left in the game. Andy yelled from the sidelines. "Show them what you got, Matt." That was exactly what I needed to hear.
Andy and I laughed when he called me a loser after school, and if it had come from anyone else, it would have hurt. But as usual, he made light of it, but I couldn't help but cry at the loss. I'd have been junior class president if it hadn't been for Dillon's trial and our threesome. I wasn't even sure if Gina or Emily voted for me.
When I first walked out on the field after harassing Frank, all I could think about was that I didn't want to be responsible for losing the game. That's bad thinking. You should never think about losing. You should always be thinking about winning. But I'd gotten in this frame of mind, and it was hard to change. I looked at everyone in the huddle to see if they were with me. All eyes were on me and just before I called the play, Jackass said, "Hurry up fag, and call the play."
Nothing came out of my mouth. "Uh. Uh."
"What's wrong, Matt? Kutcher got your tongue or is it that you lost the election today?"
I stared at Barnes through his facemask. "Barnes, either shut your fucking mouth or I'm going to call a timeout and have Coach replace you."
He went silent. "Does anyone else feel this way?" I asked.
"Okay, pro right pass 343 on two." This was a pass to Kealan Williams, and I was praying like hell I could hit him long. I needed some kind of victory for the day, even if it was only a completed pass. Kealan gave me a smile as we broke the huddle. I dropped back into the pocket and of course Jackass missed his block (either because he sucks or on purpose, who knew), so I found myself scrambling out of the pocket. I saw some daylight in front of me and sprinted toward it in hopes of getting a first down. We were short by a yard.
The next play was a run and we made the first down. Coach called pass 343 again. "Barnes, you better block this time or I'm going to kick your ass or something worse, right here on the field. Got it?"
He got a scared look on his face. He must have feared that I'd grab him and kiss him. He nodded. This time I had protection and completed a 30-yard pass to Kealan, who shed two blockers and ran in for a touchdown. We made the extra point and won 24 to 21. It was just what I needed. My confidence got a quick boost even though we didn't score again after that.
Andy came up to me after the game and gave me a big hug. "You're awesome, man. Maybe you're not a loser after all."
"I may not be a loser for now, but you're still an asshole."
He kicked me in the ass. "See you at your house."
Frank Kutcher and Jackass stayed far away from me after the game. But most of the team came up and patted me on the back and said, "Nice game."
I walked over to Kealan dressed only in my pants. He had his shirt off, and I gave his awesome tight, toned body a quick look as I said, "You made me look good out there. Thanks."
"I couldn't have done it without you. Oh, and by the way," he said as he ran the tips of his fingers up and down the sides of his body. "You can look, but don't touch. And don't kiss me either."
We both laughed. I couldn't help it, and I pulled him into a hug and his skin felt great against mine. He gently pushed me away. "Well, at least you didn't kiss me."
Randy had missed so many days of school that he'd been cut from the football team, so instead of being on the football field that Friday night, he was at Noland's. Noland was throwing a big party for all his clients and porn stars. Drugs, booze, and sex were on tap for the night.
Randy hooked up with two other boys, Ashton and Cole, for the early part of the evening. Both were fifteen, but looked younger. Cole was mixed race, about 5'6", and had beautiful smooth brown skin, and green eyes. He weighed around 140 pounds. Ashton was blond, had a golden tan, was taller and thinner than Cole, and weighed around 145 pounds.
"You guys been in any movies yet?" Randy asked.
"One," Cole said. "We hear we're all doing one together sometime in the next week."
Randy scratched his cheek. "Have any idea what it's about?"
"Sex, of course," Ashton replied.
"Funny. You know what I mean. Are we at boarding school where we sneak off into the woods for sex or are we taken as sex slaves or what?"
Cole smiled. "They usually don't tell us until the day of the shoot."
"What did you do in your first movie?"
Ashton pointed to some chairs at one of the small tables that had been set up around the pool area. Naked guys were swimming, cocks were hard, and many, while not all, were sucking each other, rimming each other, or fucking each other. "This shit is making me hard," Ashton said.
Randy and Cole nodded.
Randy pointed toward the pool. "Let's join them."
"I thought you wanted to know what our first movie was about."
"Okay, but then it's time for some action and a little taste of whatever drug they're serving up for the night."
Ashton sat down and the others followed. "We're hitchhiking and an older guy in his twenties stops and gives us a ride. I'm sitting in the front seat and the guy starts massaging my cock. I push his hand away, he stops the car and tells us to get out. Of course we whine and tell him we'll do anything he wants as long as he gets us to the next town.
"We drive a short ways until he turns down this dirt road where we find a nice log cabin at the end of the road nestled in pine trees. He brings us inside and asks us to strip. Cole and I act all hesitant and refuse at first so he threatens to kill us if we don't do as he asks. `Maybe you need a little music,' he says in kind of an evil voice. The music is weird, but Cole and I strip one piece of clothing at a time until we're naked and our cocks are sticking out straight and hard. He licks his lips and comes over and begins sucking our cocks. By then, of course, we're ready to do anything he wants and one thing leads to another. Do you want the details?"
Randy licked his lips. "I want to see the movie." Randy stood and began a striptease in front of the other two. "Is this how you did it?"
They laughed. Randy slipped his pants off slowly and let them fall to the ground. "Come on, you guys. Get naked and let's get in the pool."
I had trouble sleeping that night after Andy left. I dreamt that I was in Dr. Walker's office. He kept asking me about my relationship with Andy. I told him I didn't want to talk about it. The dream ended and then it ran again and again like a move clip on replay. So by time I got to Dr. Walker's office, I'd given the whole thing quite a bit of thought. I was going to be ready if he asked.
Dr. Walker greeted me with his usual broad smile. He shook my hand, led me into the lion's den, and sat me down with the same two glasses of water as last time.
We made some small talk and then he asked, "How was your week?"
You've got to wonder how such a simple question can stir so many emotions. "Fine, I guess."
He jotted something down. "Junior class elections were held this week, right?"
"How does that make you feel?"
I should have anticipated that one. "If you really want to know, shitty."
He smiled. "Define shitty for me."
Damn, he loved backing me into a corner. "Well, I lost. I felt bad."
"Isn't that good enough?"
He took a sip of water. "Afraid not. What do you mean you felt bad? In what way?"
"I...I...I felt like a loser."
"Are you a loser?"
I didn't say anything at first. He waited.
"Yes and no, I guess. Andy told me I was a loser after school and I laughed and cried. Andy made light of it and it made me laugh. Made me think I shouldn't be so serious. But then I thought about how the kids must not like me anymore, and I began to cry. What other reasons could there be?"
Walker crossed his legs. "I'm sure there are some. Give me some."
I leaned down and put my elbows on my knees. "Dr. Walker, I like you and all, but you make things hard on a guy."
"Let me ask it differently. "You said the kids don't like you anymore. Do you honestly think that because they didn't vote for you, they don't like you?"
Hmm, he had me there. "I suppose not. But they preferred Billy over me."
"Isn't that what elections are all about?"
"Yeah, but I should have won."
"Why do you think they chose Billy over you?"
I sat back in the chair, leaned my head against the headrest, and stared at the ceiling. "The first thing that comes to mind is that I lost my shine. I'm not even sure what that means, but I used to feel confident and I think it showed. Like it showed or shined or whatever. Hell, I don't know."
Walker glanced at his notes. "You had a football game last night. How did you do?"
He sure liked changing subjects.
"Real well. I completed a long touchdown pass that won the game for us."
"How did that make you feel?"
I rocked my head forward. "You think you're pretty smart, don't you?"
"I like to think that. So how did that make you feel?"
"Great! It made me feel confident."
"Do you think you shined out there?"
And here I thought he'd changed the subject. "Yeah, I did."
"So you lost an election on Friday, and helped win the game Friday night. No matter how you look at it, you had one busy and great day. How many others ran for junior class president?"
"Only Billy and I ran."
"Well, I'd say you and Billy both shined. It takes courage to run for office when you know you might lose. That's why only two of you ran. Most people don't want to take the chance."
I took a sip of water. "I only ran because my parents made me promise I'd run."
"So on top of everything, you also keep your promises."
"I guess in a way you're right. I'm not sure what they would have done if I'd have dropped out just before the election."
"No matter. You hung in there and you shined."
Dr. Walker made me feel a lot better because he forced me to think for myself and look at things from a different perspective.
"Dr. Walker, do you mind if I ask you a personal question?"
"Do you have any children of your own?"
He smiled and uncrossed his legs. "I guess I can answer that. I have a son. His name is Joe Walker, Jr. He's graduating from Michigan State this June. I'll be heading to his graduation. He makes me proud. And while I don't have to tell you this, I think it would help you to know that he's gay; I love him, and I don't care."
Dr. Walker surprised me with his answer. "Thanks for telling me. He's a lucky guy."
"Thanks, Matt. I appreciate it. But we need to move on."
He glanced down at his notes. "We need to discuss one other thing. I talked to Andy about it and I told him you two need to talk."
I played dumb. "About what?"
"You need to talk about your relationship. I know you're friends. But you've been having sex together. What is it you want out of this relationship? What does he want?"
That should have been a hard question, but it was easy because I'd thought about. I let out a big breath. "Dr. Walker, I like things the way they are. They call it "friends with benefits". Andy's my best friend and I love sex with him, but I don't really want a boyfriend. He wants me to be like Dillon, or at least the way he thought Dillon was. He wants love. But at least right now, I don't love Andy in that way."
Walker took a sip of water. "Do you think Andy loves you?"
"In his own way I think he does. But we're only sixteen. Who really knows what love is? I sure don't. Maybe someday I'll want to spend the rest of my life with Andy, but not right now."
"Have you dated any girls?"
"Yeah. Gina Lockhart. I really like her. But she's kinda angry with me right now because I didn't tell her about Andy and me. She thinks I'm gay, but hell, while I love sex with guys, I'm not sure I'm gay in the sense that I only like guys. I don't know much about being gay to be honest, except that if you like guys, you must be gay. But from what I've read, a lot of gay guys say they can't imagine having sex with a girl, but I don't feel that way."
"Could you keep your vows if you decided at some point to marry a woman?"
I paused. "As far as I'm concerned, a commitment is a commitment. I'd keep my vows if I married a man or a woman. That's the way I am, or at least, that's the way I used to be. You hear about these guys that give up on their hetero marriage because they're gay. I think that's wrong. Some people may say I'm a jerk for thinking that way, but I believe a commitment is a commitment, especially if you have children."
"But how about if you're miserable?"
"Good question. I'm talking about the ideal. It's one thing to have a crappy marriage that you want out of and another to have a good marriage and want out because you want to have sex with a guy, or another woman for that matter."
"You sound like you've given this a lot of thought."
He jotted something on his pad. I finally figured out that he wrote things down that he wanted to remember later. "That's commendable, Matt. I hope my son is the same way. If I understand you correctly, the idea of having sex with a girl doesn't turn you off?"
"No. I know this sounds corny, but if I was going to buy a new car, I'd like to try a few out before I decided to buy one. I'm sorry if this sounds crude, but my penis doesn't really know the difference between one hole or another. I've got to tell you, a year ago I'd have never had the courage to say something like that. But after being a prostitute and doing some of the things I've done, it comes easy."
Dr. Walker smiled. "Thanks for sharing."
"It's true. Sex is in our head and not in our body or in our penis. I've learned that. God only knows I love having sex with Andy and loved our threesome and foursome sex. I enjoy sex with other guys too. Sex is great. Even the sex for sale was great. We had sex with some really hot guys. And some not so hot guys too. Everything has its downside."
"And you're telling me that you could put that all behind you and be committed to one person?"
I rocked my head back against the chair again and looked at the ceiling while I thought. "I believe so. I hope it's who I am just like I said before." I rocked my head forward and looked directly at Dr. Walker. "Andy and I have been through a lot, but I've never given up on him or him on me. We are committed to our friendship. I'm committed to the football team. I'm committed to my parents. I'm committed to changing my life. And as I say all that, I'm beginning to realize that life is all about commitment and keeping our commitments. What do you think, Doc?"
"Doesn't matter what I think. Only what you think."
"That's what I think. And maybe that's why I can't enter into a committed relationship with Andy right now. If I commit, then I'm committed, and right now I don't want to make a commitment I can't keep. Do you think he'll understand?"
Dr. Walker came back with his usual question. "What do you think?"
"Like I said, Andy and I have been through a lot and we are committed to our friendship. It comes first. He wants love in his life, but he doesn't want me to fake a romantic love for him that I don't have. It would hurt both of us. He may not like it, but he wants me to be honest. He'll whine and harass me, but he'll accept it. In that way, we do love each other. You know we're bffs, best friends forever."
Walker jotted a note in his pad. "We don't have much time. But I have one more question. Well, maybe two. How would you feel if he started dating another guy and was in a permanent relationship with him? That's question number one."
"I love Andy, and if that would make him happy, it would make me happy. It's as simple as that. Next question."
"When do you and Andy plan on having a discussion about your relationship?"
"I promise that we'll do it before our next session. I'm committing myself to that."
He smiled. "That brings up one of those sticky questions. How about if he refuses to discuss it? How will you keep your commitment?"
"Good question, Doc. But if Andy said he'll do it, then he will."
Faithless is he that says farewell when the road darkens. - J. R. R. Tolkien
Faith is not about everything turning out OK; it's about being OK no matter how things turn out.
To have faith is to trust yourself to the water. When you swim you don't grab hold of the water, because if you do you will sink and drown. Instead you relax, and float. - Alan Watts
In love there's truth.
I've spent years searching for its meaning.
Everything you do makes my heart keep trembling.
If life is a song, you're the words I'm singing,
And it makes my poor heart keep beating.
From the movie, Love in Siam
"I can't be your boyfriend, but it doesn't mean I don't love you." Love in Siam
If you like this story, contact me at firstname.lastname@example.org I answer all emails.
I'd like to thank Lisa for taking the time to edit Knots 1, 2, 3, & 4. As the author, I take final responsibility for all parts of the story, including any errors.
This story is a work of fiction. Names, characters, places, and incidents are the product of the author's imagination and are used fictitiously. Any resemblance to actual persons living or dead, events or locales, is purely coincidental and no slanderous intent is implied.