I will be traveling in Asia for the next few weeks so the chapters will be shorter. But I'm committed to writing a chapter a week rather than stopping all together like I did in December and January. So be patient. I'll be back April 1, 2015 and should then be on a regular schedule for a considerable amount of time. After all, we still have to get Matt and Andy through their junior and senior year in high school. I didn't have any idea that it was going to take so many chapter or books to do this. I appreciate all my readers, especially those who drop me a note now and then. So feel free to email me at email@example.com.
I kinda acted like an ass with Gina during lunch. Matt was pissed. So I wasn't sure what was going to happen when we met at his house that evening. Neither of us wanted to talk about our relationship, but we'd promised Dr. Walker, so we had to do it.
It was weird going to Matt's bedroom knowing we couldn't have sex and all we could do was talk. His parents gave me a suspicious look when I got to their house. "Matt's in his bedroom. Behave yourselves," his dad said.
I saluted. "Yes, sir, Mr. Spence."
He saluted back.
Matt was lying on his bed when I walked in. "Care if I lie beside you?"
He pursed his lips. "We're here to talk not play."
"Can't blame a guy for trying."
He sat up, grabbed a folding chair out of the closet and set it next to the one at his desk. "Okay, let's talk."
Silence fell between us until I finally I couldn't take it anymore. "What do you think?"
"Think? What do you mean, what do I think?"
"You know. About our relationship."
I put my hand on his leg. He slid his chair away. "Dr. Walker told us to talk without sex, so keep your hands to yourself."
"Come on. Just a kiss and a little touching. That can't hurt."
Another silence fell between us.
Finally I just had to ask. "Are we boyfriends or friends with benefits?"
He didn't even pause. "Friends with benefits."
"That's it. That's all you gotta say?"
I moved my chair toward him and he slid away again. "I want more. Why can't we be boyfriends? I've always wanted you for my boyfriend. If you'd have been my boyfriend, Dillon would have never happened."
He frowned. "You say that, but you don't know. How do I know you wouldn't have been tempted by Dillon's money, starting QB position, and hot body?"
He had me there. "To be honest, I don't know."
"So how do I know if I can trust you now?"
"You don't. You have to take my word for it. You have to have faith in me."
He laughed. "Now you sound like those religious zealots."
That made me laugh. "I do, don't I?"
Matt got a serious look on his face. "Okay, this is how I see it and I told Dr. Walker the same thing. I don't want to make a commitment I might not keep or actually don't want to keep. I love you Andy, but you've been my best friend since we were little kids and while we might be having sex and feel a special love toward each other, I'm not ready for more. Can you understand that?"
"Not really. We're together all the time anyway. We don't have to walk down the hall holding hands or kissing or anything. We just need to be in a committed relationship."
He looked doubtful. "Andy, you have this need. I don't. I'm sorry. I'm happy with the way things are. Friends with benefits. This means you can have sex with someone else and so can I. Let me ask you again: do you really think you could make our relationship exclusive?"
"Of course. I love you. I want to be with you forever."
He shook his head. "Forever is a long time. We're only sixteen, Andy. Do you see us still being together when we're sixty-six? That's fifty years. That's a long time. I don't know much about gay relationships, but I doubt there are many that have lasted that long. A lot of straight marriages don't last that long. Plus, I honestly believe you're more likely to stray than me. When I make a commitment, I'm committed."
"So am I if it's you. Like I said, it's always been you I wanted. No one else."
He got up and started pacing. I couldn't help myself so I stood and followed him back and forth around the room with my hand on my chin like I was thinking.
"Andy, quit following me. I'm thinking."
A hopeful sound came into my voice. "Does this mean you might change your mind?"
He suddenly stopped, turned around, and planted a deep tonguing to my mouth. I grabbed him behind the head and pulled him in tighter and pressed my crotch against his and could feel he was hard. I then put my arms around him and held on tight as if I might fall off a cliff if I let go.
He pulled away. "What we feel is sex, Andy. A lot of relationships begin with sex, but it's about the sex and not about the love. That's why Dr. Walker wanted us to talk while we're not having sex. I could strip you naked and blow you and fuck you and you could do the same to me right now. Well, except my dad might walk in, but is that love? Love is about commitment. At least that's what I think. It's easy for us to be committed as friends because we're allowed to have other friends and there isn't any jealousy. But if we're in a committed relationship, everything changes."
"That's bullshit and you know it, Matt. We can be in a committed relationship and still have other guy friends."
"Bullshit. Every time you see me talking to Randy, if he's ever around, or Thomas, or any other gay guy, you're going to wonder what's going on."
I gave him a hard shove so he fell backwards on his bed. I jumped on top of him, pinned his hands to the bed, and stared into his eyes. "Matt, that's not true. I trust you."
Another one of those silences fell between us. Then he said, "But I don't trust you."
There it was. Maybe I knew it all along and was afraid to admit it, but that's what it all came down to. No matter what else Matt said, he didn't trust me.
He pushed me off him, got up, and sat at his desk. "Look at what you did at lunch today. You embarrassed me and everyone else. Sometimes you just don't think. I'll always be your best friend, but it can't be more than that."
I sat on the edge of the bed. "I admit it. I was an ass at lunch today. But it was just fun. And what does that have to do with trusting me? It doesn't make any sense."
Matt got a confused look on his face. "I don't know. It just does."
"You're just looking for an excuse not to be my boyfriend."
Andy was right. I was looking for an excuse not to be his boyfriend. I told him I didn't think I could trust him, and there was a little of that. But it really came down to the fact that I didn't want to be in a committed relationship and Andy did. His feeling were hurt, but I'd have been less than honest if I told him anything else.
The thing is, we were now in this state where sex didn't even seem right. It's hard to explain. If I loved Andy, why couldn't I commit to him? And if we were friends with benefits, what would that do to our friendship. Our relationship had been like that for a long time, and it seemed fine. But suddenly, now that we were no longer fucking anyone we wanted for fun or money, it all seemed different. Life seemed so complicated and I almost resented Dr. Walker for making us do this. It all seemed better when we just left everything unsaid.
I was tempted at one point to tell him I'd be his boyfriend. It would have been so much easier. I didn't fear that I'd stray or cheat on Andy, and I'm not sure if he would have cheated on me. But once I said I didn't trust him, a small distance grew between us. It began to come down to whether our relationship was based on sex or friendship. We'd been friends all our lives and while we had our ups and downs, our friendship was strong. Now, who knew.
I don't know how to explain it, but something came between Matt and me after our talk. We finally decided we'd be friends with benefits. I had to take what I could get, but things just didn't seem right between us after we talked. My hope was that Dr. Walker would make everything right.
We need to give each other the space to grow, to be ourselves, to exercise our diversity. We need to give each other space so that we may both give and receive such beautiful things as ideas, openness, dignity, joy, healing, and inclusion. - Max de Pree
Contact me at firstname.lastname@example.org I answer all emails.
I'd like to thank Lisa for taking the time to edit Knots 1, 2, 3, & 4. As the author, I take final responsibility for all parts of the story, including any errors.
This story is a work of fiction. Names, characters, places, and incidents are the product of the author's imagination and are used fictitiously. Any resemblance to actual persons living or dead, events or locales, is purely coincidental and no slanderous intent is implied.