It may have seemed like my mind was made up about Colt, but after talking to Matt I wasn't sure what I should do. I didn't like the idea of Matt and Thomas getting together even if they would only be friends with benefits. The only thing left for me was to talk to Dr. Walker about it on Saturday, and I didn't really want to do that. I pretty much knew what he'd say, but the more I'd thought about Colt that week, the more I wanted him. He was hot, and as it turned out, he went out for basketball midweek, and he wasn't bad. We always have a short skins vs shirts scrimmage at the end of practice. He was a skin and I had trouble playing because I couldn't take my eyes of his finely toned body. He had nice abs and beautiful legs. No wonder Thomas liked him. It was beyond me why Colt hadn't played sports before. He really looked like an athlete, and now he went out for the team because of me.
Dr. Walker started with his usual `how was your week' question on Saturday. I spread a little bullshit around and then said, "I might have a new boyfriend." That got his attention.
"That was fast. What happened to Matt?"
"We're still friends. That's the way he wants it."
I knew the next question already. "And how do you feel about that?"
"Pissed. But what can I do. Nothing, right? So why not find someone else?"
Walker wrote something on his tablet.
"Can I see?" I asked.
"They're just notes to help me remember. That's all."
"I don't believe you."
"I'll show you. What's the new boyfriend's name?"
"Colton, but everyone calls him Colt."
He wrote something down and held the pad up and there was Colt's name along with the words, "new boyfriend".
"Does Matt know about Colt?"
"And how does he feel about that?"
I wasn't quite sure how I was going to explain all this. It's interesting that when you start talking to an adult about something you plan to do, it changes the way it looks in your head. "He doesn't like it."
"Hmm. Why not?"
I paused to look out the window at the trees blowing in the wind. "Well, uh. Uh. He just doesn't like it."
He gave out another hmm that kind of pissed me off.
"Are you going to tell me why, or do I have to drag it out of you?"
I slid forward in my chair, and the leather squeaked. "The guy I like is...well, is...is someone else's boyfriend."
He let out another hmm, which seemed longer than it probably was. "Why someone else's boyfriend? Aren't there other guys? You have a GSA club at school. There must be some unattached boys in the club."
"Yeah, but I don't want any of them."
He put the pen to his mouth and then wrote something down. "Want. That's an interesting word. What do you mean by you want him and don't want anyone else?"
Shit. Not only was he going to make it hard, he was going to make it very frigging hard. So I let out a long hmm. "Well, I'm attracted to Colt, and I'm not attracted to any other guys except Matt. Well, that's not entirely true. I'm also attracted to Colt's boyfriend. But there's no chance of getting him."
Damn. "Can't we talk about something else? I don't think I want to talk about this anymore."
I should have known what was coming next, but I was so hopeful he was going to let me off the hook, I wasn't really thinking about what he'd say. "Why don't you want to talk about it? You brought the subject up."
"I just don't. Is that all right?"
He took a sip of water. I did the same to kill some time. Then I looked out his window again, and the trees were being battered by the wind. That's the way I felt.
He turned around to see what I was looking at. "Windy, isn't it? There are rough seas in this kind of weather. If you were in a small boat, the boat would tip over, you'd fall into the cold water, be overcome by the huge waves, and might drown. Do you know what I mean?"
"What does that have to do with anything?"
"What do you think?"
Damn his questions. I let out another hmm. "Are you saying I'm a small boat in rough seas?"
"Kind of. But my real question is. If you had a small boat, would you go out in weather like this?"
I knew where he was going with this. "I might."
"Hmm. Why would you do that?"
"I don't know. I just might. Maybe I'd do it to save someone's life."
"What if there wasn't any life to save, and you just wanted to go out. Would you still do it even though you knew the boat might tip over and you might die?"
I rested my forehead in the palms of my hands. "I told you I didn't want to talk about this anymore."
He's so clever. "Did I say anything about Colt? We're talking about rough seas and boats."
I looked up and couldn't help but smile. "Doc, I'm not that stupid."
"Well, if you go after this boy, it's going to be like going out in a small boat in rough seas. And that would be stupid."
"Are you calling me stupid?" I said with some anger in my voice.
"No. Only you can decide if you're going to be stupid. Let me ask you a question: What's the difference between lust and desire?"
really made it hard to figure out what he was going to say or ask next. Lust and desire. What the hell. I'd never thought of it before. I stupidly said, "I'm glad to see you changed
"Have I? I'm not going to wait for your answer. Just tell me the difference between lust and desire, that's if you think there is a difference."
"Lust is when you want to have sex. Desire is when you want to have sex. There isn't any difference."
"Ah, you make it sound so simple. Tell me, do you lust after this boy, or do you desire him? Or maybe I should ask, do you lust after this boy and desire Matt?"
That put things in a different light. "I never thought about it before. I have sexual desires. I like sex. But that seems to be more about just being teenage horny."
Walker smiled. "That's a new one. Teenage horny. Let me take this further. Do you desire this other boy, or do you lust after him?"
"Like I said, they're the same."
"But you said you desire Matt. Is there anyone else you desire?"
"There are a few guys I have had my eye on."
"So you desire them? But are you doing anything about it? Are you going after them or trying to take them away from their boyfriend, or trying to hurt or mess with their lives in any way?"
"Will someone get hurt if Colt breaks up with his boyfriend to be your boyfriend?"
I didn't want to answer, so I laid back in the chair and looked up at the ceiling. Dr. Walker waited. "Well?"
"Yeah, I guess so."
He jotted something down. "Do you see what I'm getting at? Do you still think lust and desire are the same?"
He had me confused. "Uh. You're making me all crazy. Can't you just tell me if there's a difference?"
"Yeah. But I'd rather you decide. You're more likely to understand it better if you figure it out on your own."
By then I was really pissed and belted out, "Okay, I'm going to admit that not only do I desire this guy, but I lust after him too. I want him so badly that I'm not going to let anything or anyone get in my way. I don't care who I hurt, I want the self-satisfaction of knowing I can get this guy, and right now you're getting in my way, and I'm pissed."
"I think you've just defined lust."
I stopped to think about it for a second and knew he was right. But that didn't make me any happier. "You might be right. But I want this guy. I'm going to get him. He's going to be my boyfriend."
"Why do you want him?"
"I don't know. I just do. I'm pissed at Matt and the world, and I'm not just going to sit around and feel sorry for myself. I'm Andy Gibson, and I take action, always have."
"So, in other words, you're going to take your small boat out in bad weather even though you know you might drown."
There was a no I'm not going to take my boat out somewhere inside me, but it never came out. All that came out was: "You're damn right."
For the first time, Dr. Walker looked stumped. He didn't say anything at first. He took another sip of water and wrote something down.
I reacted. "I suppose you wrote something about me being stupid and crazy." I should have known better than to say something stupid like that, but I was pissed.
He looked at me. "Do you feel stupid and crazy?"
I put my hands on the arms of the leather chair, pushed myself up and said, "Fuck you, Walker. I'm outta here." And walked out.
I stopped in his outer office and paced, not knowing whether I wanted him to come out and get me or not. All kinds of emotions stabbed at me. I wanted Colt. I lusted after him, but deep down I knew it was wrong. I was taking my boat out into the storm, but I didn't care. This is what scared and confused me. Maybe I did care, but not enough to stop. Shit.
The door opened. "Andy, why don't you come back in?"
I looked at Dr. Walker and didn't move, and then without thinking, I ran to him and put my arms around him as tears rolled down my cheeks. "Doc, I don't know what to do."
He hugged me back and said, "We've seen a lot of tears here lately, haven't we?"
I nodded without saying a word. We parted. He put his hand on my back and led me to my chair. He poured more water in our glasses. I wiped my eyes and took a big sip. The wind had calmed outside, but not the one inside me.
Walker sat and cleared his throat. "I hate to get all counselor on you again, but that's why you're here. So let me begin by asking: why did you leave?"
"I left because I know you're right, and I don't know if I'm willing to stop."
"Are you willing to accept the consequences if you don't?"
"That's the problem. I want Colt without any consequences."
He gave me a small knowing smile. "Andy, that's true of all of us. We want things we know aren't good for us or for someone else, but we don't want the consequences. So let me ask again, are you willing to accept the consequences?"
"That's what scares me. I think I am."
"So you're going to take your boat out into the storm even if it means you might drown?" I shook my head as if to say no, but I said, "I'm not going to drown. I might have myself a new boyfriend in a couple of weeks, and we'll have hot sex because my parents won't be suspicious like with Matt and me."
"But what about Colt's boyfriend and Matt?"
I paused. "Well, they'll just have to learn to live with it. I'll survive. I have so far."
"By survive, do you mean because you're still alive?"
Walker rifled through his notes and stopped on a page. "Let me see if I have this right. You find out Dillon is cheating on you, you're ready to kill yourself, and Matt steps in to keep you from doing it. You prostitute yourselves and get the crap beat out of you, and you're telling me you'll survive?"
I ran the tips of my fingers from my forehead down the length of my body. "Here's the proof. And I'm playing basketball as if none of it happened."
"How about if Colt's boyfriend kicks the you-know-what out of you?"
"He won't. He's not that way."
"How about if Matt does, just on the principle of the thing?"
I smiled. "That might be a different story. He could kick the shit out of me."
Walker let out a deep breath. "It's not really my job to tell you what to do or not do. You have to make that decision. If you were planning on killing Colt's boyfriend, that might be different. On the other hand, you might kill something inside you, Colt, and Matt, even though no one will actually die. You know what you should do, but it's up to you. We have one more session, and we can talk more about it next week. I just hope that whatever you do won't mean that you'll need to spend more time with me." He gave me a big grin. "I like the money, but I'm more concerned about your mental and physical health."
"Don't worry, Doc. I'll be fine," I said as if I believed it
Andy came by my house after his session with Dr. Walker. I'd gone in first and we had a good session. I felt far more relaxed and was able to tell him my life was better, that I was better. I didn't think it was my place to mention Andy and Colton because, while I disagreed with Andy, this wasn't the same as doing underage porn. Andy could always talk to him about it on his own. The chances of that didn't seem good, but with Andy you never knew.
I answered the door when Andy rang the bell, and he looked like life had beaten him down. "What the hell happened at Walker's?" I asked as he and I walked to my room.
"I told him about Colt."
"That was brave."
"You're right, and now I'm all confused and pissed off. I want Colt, and I know it's wrong, but every time I think about him my whole body aches for him."
I shook my head. "Damn, Andy. You're so full of shit. Colt's been around now for a long time, and you never even paid any attention to him. Now all of a sudden your whole body aches for him. I thought your whole body ached for me."
He threw himself on my bed. "It does, but in a different way."
I lay down beside him and put my arms around him. "How's this feel?"
The breath went out of him. "Matt, that feels so good."
"Maybe this is all you need. You don't need Colt. I'm sure you realize how many people could be hurt."
"Yeah, Dr. Walker pretty much let me know. He thinks he's so frigging clever. He likened the whole thing to me going out in a small boat in a raging storm even though I knew I might drown."
I gave him a couple of quick squeezes as I snuggled up behind him. "He might be right."
He moaned. "This is what I need. I need to feel loved."
I gave him a light pinch on the cheek. "Do you think taking Colt from Thomas will make you feel loved?"
"Good question, Dr. Walker."
I gave Andy a light punch in the thigh. "I'm not sure if that's an insult or a compliment, but I'll take it as a compliment."
Andy turned toward me and kissed me. I kissed him back and we lay there on the bed giving each other light, loving kisses that made my whole body hunger for him. Our hard dicks pressed against each other.
"What should we do," he asked.
It seemed so strange to hear him ask, because before our parents put us on restriction, we'd have just ripped our clothes off. But both my parents were home, and that wasn't an option. So we lay there pressed together kissing gently as I felt the tenseness leave his body. He rolled onto his back, smiled, and said, "I'm exhausted after meeting with Walker. I think I could use a nap."
"Go ahead. I'll be here when you wake up."
Andy slept for over an hour as I lay there and watched him. He seemed frail next to me. I'd always been bigger than him and over the last couple of years had grown bigger. He'd grown some too, but he was still that skinny kid with the hot, thin body that I'd always wanted. I unbuttoned his shirt and rubbed my palm over his chest hoping I wouldn't wake him. The feel of his smooth, hairless skin and his flat stomach made me want him. He made a small low noise of contentment, but didn't awaken. I kissed his forehead, his lips, his chest, and his stomach. Love for him filled me. And yet, I knew he was like a sleeping giant who had the power to change all our lives if he acted on his impulse to take Colt away from Thomas. And I wasn't sure there was anything I could do about it.
I loved Andy, but he needed 24/7 love, and I wasn't ready to give him that. He knew I loved him. He always knew it, but he constantly needed or wanted more. He wouldn't find it in Colt because if he got Colt, Andy would know deep down that he could never trust him. It would gnaw at him until he grew to hate Colt, and then where would he be?
Andy's eyes opened. He smiled up at me as I lay beside him looking down at him. He gave me a quick kiss. "This is what I want."
Love is a strange emotion. It is ever evolving. Lust is transient. With time, one realizes that love and togetherness are two different things. Very few people are lucky enough to experience the two emotions simultaneously. - Randeep Hooda
Curiosity is the lust of the mind. - Thomas Hobbes
Human behavior flows from three main sources: desire, emotion, and knowledge. - Plato
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I'd like to thank Lisa for taking the time to edit Knots 1, 2, 3, & 4. As the author, I take final responsibility for all parts of the story, including any errors.
This story is a work of fiction. Names, characters, places, and incidents are the product of the author's imagination and are used fictitiously. Any resemblance to actual persons living or dead, events or locales, is purely coincidental and no slanderous intent is implied.