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Suddenly, I wasn't sure what I wanted to do. I loved it when Dillon and I were together, and I thought he was my boyfriend and loved me. Matt loved me, but it wasn't the same. I wasn't sure what was in me at the time that made me so needy. That's the only word that comes to mind when I think back to that time. What Matt and I had was great. We just as well have been boyfriends, but we weren't. At the time, I didn't understand why it was so important to be boyfriends. Like Matt said, we're only sixteen, so what's the hurry?
I'd walk down the halls and see all the couples holding hands, talking, and laughing together. There was just something special about it. Matt and I weren't much different when we were together, except for the hand-holding part. I wasn't one for public displays of affection anyway, so wanting to show everyone Matt was my boyfriend in public wasn't it.
Those of you who have been reading our story are probably dying to know if we're together today. I'm tempted to tell you, but you'll just have to wait until we're done. You obviously know that we're still friends. For all you know, Matt is married and has a couple of children. As far as that goes, so could I. I'm sure most of you are hoping that we're married and have adopted some kids. All of that is possible of course, but our story is about the past and what happened then.
I wanted a boyfriend and as usual, I wasn't satisfied with the way things were. There was always something in me that looked for excitement or caused me to turn a tranquil situation into some kind of drama. Fortunately, I let my lust for Colt go, otherwise, I'm not sure how things would have turned out. Zoe and Megan were going after Thomas and Colt, and I remember thinking maybe one or the other might switch teams. There wasn't any way that Thomas would consider me for a boyfriend, at least I thought so at the time.
I kept telling myself to be patient, but as you know, patience wasn't one of my strengths.
Zoe had invited Colt and Thomas to her house on Wednesday, and Colt spent that day and the next two days talking to Thomas about it.
They laid on the bed in Thomas' bedroom that Friday afternoon. Colt rolled toward Thomas to kiss him, but Thomas turned away. "What's wrong?"
"Colt, I'm getting tired of listening to this shit. We're a gay couple, and you keep talking about hooking up with two girls. What's the deal?"
Colt shrugged. "It's just cool. To be honest, I've never spent much time with girls. Have you?"
Thomas' answer came slowly. He squinted his eyes as he thought of his next words. "Not really. I remember talking to a lot of girls in the sixth and seventh grade. They seemed to like me. Zoe and Megan went to a different school, but they remind me of a couple of girls I liked."
"You liked girls?" Colt asked in surprise.
"As friends. I never thought of myself as being gay or straight. Like a lot of guys in the 7th grade, I spent a lot of time with my dick in my hand. Hell, I even jacked off in class once. My desk was in the back right corner of the room, and one time in class I got hard. The temptation was too great for me to ignore my hard-on. I rubbed it through my jeans until I came. No one must have noticed because no one said anything.
"Did you ever go out with any of the girls?"
Thomas smiled. "No, just talked. You know, friends without benefits."
"So what happened?"
"Dillon Burke happened. You know the story. He lured Randy and me into his world slowly by using money, rides in his car, and flattery to make us feel like we were special. It was cool. Randy and I played youth league football and he said he'd help us. We were excited. Then one thing led to another. Like I said, the most I'd ever done was jackoff, but little by little Dillon drew us in until we were jacking each other off, then sucking each other, and then fucking. The whole thing took most of our eighth-grade year. Once we got started, there was no stopping us. The sex was great. We had threesomes all the time. Hell, it makes me horny, pissed, and sad all at the same time when I think about those days."
Colt leaned in and kissed Thomas, who didn't pull back this time. "I'm sorry, Thomas. I knew about it, but had no idea how it affected you. It always sounded like hot sex to me. I was jealous. Threesomes all the time sounds pretty good to me."
"They are, but then I was only fourteen and it was the only sex I'd ever had. It's like I grew up too fast. I always wonder if I'll stay satisfied with the sex we have, or will I someday want more. Hell, you want more and you haven't even had the experiences I had. What's left for me to look forward to?"
Colt pushed Thomas' hair off his forehead. "You and me."
"Colt, I'm a realist now. Maybe not when I was thirteen or fourteen, but life has a way of doing that to us. I love you, but I know that it may never last. We're young and have so much ahead of us. How do I know that someday you won't cheat on me? And you know what the worst part is?"
"No. What?"
"That I'd understand it if you did. Would you understand and still love me if I cheated on you?"
They turned on their backs and stared at the ceiling.
Colt nudged Thomas in the ribs with his elbow. "How in the hell did we get into this conversation anyway. It's depressing."
"Knots, Colt. Big knots like Matt would say. I drag these around with me every day. You still have your innocence. Sure, we've have sex, but you've never been hurt, really hurt. I've built a shell around me to keep me from being hurt again. Maybe that's why I'd understand if you cheated on me. It's my way of saving my heart."
"Are you expecting me to cheat on you?"
"Uh. Uh. I hope not."
Colt turned towards Thomas. "You didn't answer my question."
"I don't know how to answer it. I hope you won't. I pray you won't. But look what happened with Andy. You were all over him. I figured the only reason you didn't do more was because he and Matt told you to back off. How do you think that made me feel?"
Colt rolled off the bed and stood facing Thomas. "You're an asshole. I didn't cheat on you, and it had nothing to do with Matt and Andy."
Thomas patted the bed beside him. "Come back here. You asked the question. You complained because I didn't answer, and when I did, you got pissed. Pause a minute. Think about it."
"I have thought about it a lot. I wouldn't cheat on you."
"So why are you so pissed? If it's not true, then just say so. No need to get angry."
Colt sat on the edge of the bed. "Can't we just have sex instead of talking about all this shit?"
Thomas sat up and massaged Colt's shoulders. "Look, couples usually don't break up over sex unless someone cheats. They usually break up over things like lack of trust, jealousy, and their inability to talk. Instead of untying the knots between them, they cinch them tighter."
Colt rolled his head around. "That feels good. Don't stop." They were silent for a few seconds before Colt spoke again. "I get what you're saying, but you're making things too complicated. We're boyfriends with benefits, so let's enjoy them."
Thomas pushed Colt back and forth with his hands and then pulled him down to him for a kiss. Colt broke the kiss. "Let me lock the door."
Megan and Zoe were sitting on chaise lounges by the pool on Wednesday, planning their Saturday seduction of Thomas and Colt.
"I think Thomas is on to us," Zoe said.
"You're right. He said I was like Eve tempting Adam. Was he referring to Colt or himself?"
"Himself, I think," Zoe replied as she spread lotion on her legs.
"Hmm. That means he's tempted, right?"
Zoe put lotion on her face. "I think so."
"This should be challenging and fun."
"Megan, you're a cheat. I invited Colt here, and you invited yourself. I had what I could call a date, and you ruined it."
Megan motioned to Zoe to pass the lotion. "I could see what was going to happen. Thomas was going to convince Colt not to come." She grabbed the lotion Zoe handed her.
"You're wrong. Colt wanted to come. It was Thomas who didn't want to. Colt would have come if you had just stayed out of it. You could see it all over his face."
Megan put lotion on her face. "You're probably right. But like they say, `all's fair in love and war.'"
"Maybe so, but you cheated."
"Just a little. But we have them coming to your house this Saturday, and we'll have them all to ourselves. You can go one way, and I'll go another."
Zoe rolled her eyes. "What do you have planned?"
"I don't know yet. I'm still thinking about it. But the one thing I do know is that I'm going to take the next couple of days spending as much time with Thomas as I can. If you want to win this bet, you'd better do the same with Colt."
Damn, Megan and Zoe were all over Thomas and Colt at school on Friday. Somehow they managed to pull Thomas and Colt apart because I saw Colt and Zoe walking to class by themselves, and then I saw Megan pat Thomas on the ass. He pushed her hand away.
I remember thinking, I better do something quick if I was going to ask Megan out. I walked up to the two of them. "Look at the cute couple. How long have you been going out?"
Thomas blushed. "We're not going out. Megan is obsessed with me for some reason. At first I fought it, but what the hell, she's fun to be with. We have a lot in common."
I squinted my eyes. "You what?"
Megan grabbed the inside of Thomas' arm. "You heard him. We have a lot in common."
"What is it you have in common? Hell, I have more in common with you than Thomas does."
Thomas became possessive. "Matt, butt out. If Megan and I want to hang together, it's our business."
"But you're gay."
Megan was quick on her feet. "Look, Matt. First of all, it's none of your business what Thomas and I do. Second, I don't care if he's gay. Third, I like him as a friend. Do you find something wrong with that?"
"Uh. Uh." And that's as far as I got.
"Good then. Laters, man," she said as she pulled Thomas down the hall like a dog on a leash.
I couldn't believe it. Thomas and Megan. But no sooner had they walked off than I see Colt and Zoe walking toward me on their way to class.
"What's the deal," I said to Colt. "Did you and Thomas break up?"
"No. We're just hanging out with Zoe and Megan. That's okay isn't it?"
I shrugged. "Don't ask me. This world is getting all crazy, and I don't know who's sane and who isn't."
"You know what, Matt," Zoe said. "Your problem is you can't stand change. You're such a straight arrow. Why don't you loosen up and do something different now and then."
That really pissed me off. She had no idea how much I'd loosened up, not only in my emotional life, but also how I physically opened up a couple of orifices in my body to strangers. "Zoe, you don't know what you're talking about."
"If you say so, but take care of your own life, and leave us alone."
Colt, just like a puppet repeated, "Yeah, leave us alone."
I couldn't believe it when Zoe and Colt and Megan and Thomas joined us at lunch.
"Have these girls scared you straight yet?" Andy asked.
"No," Thomas replied. "Colt and I decided to open ourselves up to new possibilities. We told you about Saturday, and we thought it was a good idea to get to know Zoe and Megan better."
"You guys are crazy," Emily said. She pointed at Megan and Zoe. "You two are going after two gay guys. It doesn't make sense. Why not two straight guys?"
Megan got this shit-eating grin on her face. "Are you blind, Emily? Look at these two. They're to die for."
Thomas and Colt blushed.
"No, I'm not blind. They are enough to make any girl want to die for, but they're gay, and you two are messing with their minds."
"Knock it off, Emily," Colt said. "They may be messing with our minds, but that's all they're messing with."
Emily shook her head. "You're both stupid. They're after more than your minds."
Zoe grabbed Colt's hand and looked at Emily. "Are you their protector or something? They're not little boys. They can take care of themselves, so butt out."
"You're right, Zoe," Emily shot back. "I'm not their protector, and they are big boys. I just don't like seeing people get hurt, and while I'm not a fortuneteller, I know someone's going to get hurt."
"Em, leave it alone," Andy said. "Getting hurt is a part of life. Do you tell someone not to play football, or basketball, or whatever, just because they might get hurt? No, you don't. I broke my leg and couldn't play football when I was a sophomore and then got my ass almost killed this year. People get hurt. It's part of life, so don't worry about it."
"You know what, Andy, you can be a real pain in the ass sometimes, and what's worse, is you've become a real cynic."
Andy locked his fingers together on top of the table. "A realist is more like it. Life happens. People get hurt. It's part of life. You can't run around trying to protect people from getting hurt all the time."
No one said anything, but all I could think about was the night Andy was ready to kill himself. How he was ready to do porn. How he almost got involved with Colt. Him sitting in a wheelchair and our meetings with Dr. Walker. He was right. People do get hurt. But they have the power to prevent most of it if they choose. "This is what I think, Em: God gave us free will. We have to take responsibility for the decisions we make. Most of us don't want to. You can't decide for someone. Thomas and Colt are free to do whatever they want, just like Megan and Zoe are. They're not stupid. They know what might happen. The question is, are they willing to accept the consequences? It's one thing to go freewheeling through life and quite another to face the consequences of our actions." In my head I was thinking, Thank you, Dr. Walker. "I couldn't have said it any better myself," Andy said. "You are indeed a philosopher and a psychologist all in one."
I bowed toward Andy. "Thank you, kind sir."
"You guys are so serious," Ollie said. "Lighten up. This talk is beginning to freak me out. Sonia and I love each other. We don't need anyone else, and life is beautiful."
Andy unfolded his hands. "You're so full of it. Life is life, and someday the sun won't shine, and it will rain on your parade."
Ollie laughed. "Maybe so, but like the song from Annie says, `the sun will come out tomorrow, tomorrow, tomorrow,'" he sang out way off key.
"You've become a real smartass since you've put on new clothes and quit looking all emo on us," Andy said.
"Hey, life happens like you said. People change. What can I say? What you guys are saying is all true. Sonia and I know it. But we're going to enjoy today because you're right; it might rain on our parade, but we know the sun will come out tomorrow and it will be another day."
Smiles spread around the table. Emily walked over and kissed Ollie on the forehead. "Ollie, we're so lucky to have you as our friend. Thanks."
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You love money and power and capitalism? You know they're never going to love you back...- Quote from the musical Annie
You're never fully dressed without a smile. – Quote from the musical Annie
Who cares what they're wearing on Main Street, or Saville Row? It's what you wear from ear to ear and not from head to toe that matters. - Quote from the musical Annie
If you like this story, write me at eliassctt@gmail.com I answer all emails.
I'd like to thank Lisa for taking the time to edit Knots 1, 2, 3, & 4. As the author, I take final responsibility for all parts of the story, including any errors.
This story is a work of fiction. Names, characters, places, and incidents are the product of the author's imagination and are used fictitiously. Any resemblance to actual persons living or dead, events or locales, is purely coincidental and no slanderous intent is implied.