Things didn't go as well for Colt as they had for Matt. Zoe wasn't ready for sex, so she kept putting him off. Colt tried, but he could only get as far as touching her breasts and french kissing. He soon got tired of waiting and told her he had better things to do with his time.
Colt just happened to call Andy the day before his next appointment with Dr. Walker. "Hey, you want to hook up? Zoe's being a bitch, and I'm horny."
Andy was tempted but managed to say, "Tell Thomas. Don't tell me."
"I've already had sex with Thomas. I want to experiment a little and figured you'd be happy to oblige."
"I'm tempted, Colt, but no."
"That doesn't sound like the Andy I know. Come on. Loosen up."
"Maybe some other time, but not now."
"Like when?"
"I'll let you know."
"It sounds like you're just putting me off."
"I am, at least for now. I have to take care of some things first."
"How long will that take?"
"You know what, Colt, it's none of your fucking business. You hurt Thomas, and now you're after me. I was tempted once, but you're going to have to find someone else to fuck. I'm not ready and don't know if I'll ever be ready."
"I saw you hanging with a couple of guys. I think their names are Ashton and Scott. Do you think they'd be interested?"
"What do you think I am, a hook up service?"
"No, but I heard you've had sex with them. Hell, we could have a foursome. That would be hot."
A picture of the four of them flashed through Andy's mind. "It would be, but I'm not interested right now. Got it?"
"Yeah, but I won't give up. Talk to you later, Andy."
"Okay. Bye."
"Yeah, bye."
Andy was getting ready to hang up when Colt added, "Oh, I almost forgot to tell you. I'm going play football."
"Glad to hear that, but you've already missed the first few days of preconditioning."
"I know. But they'll still let me come out, right?"
"Yeah. So you better get your ass out there this afternoon."
"I will. Thanks."
Colt called me up to see if I'd have sex with him. I was tempted because I really wanted to get a hold of that hot body of his, but I had to keep my word to Dr. Walker, and in a way, to Matt. I had no idea what I might do later. You just never know what the future holds. Matt was doing Megan, so why shouldn't I do Colt? Well, I knew the answer to that, and it had to do with Thomas. Matt really cares for Thomas, and it would piss him off. I told Colt he should call Thomas, but he wasn't interested. Fucking around with Colt would have been a sure-fire way to punish Matt, but like I said before, Matt would have been pissed, but he'd still love me.
The same nice looking boy I saw last time was leaving Dr. Walker's office when I got there. Walker's secretary gave me this pleasant smile that seemed to say, "I know why you're here." I'm sure she didn't, but it made me feel uneasy. Dr. Walker was too professional to share information with his secretary.
We took our regular positions, and as usual, he asked me how the last two weeks went.
"Fine. I actually tried to find happiness in something other than sex. The thing is, I'm not sure sex ever made me happy. It just satisfied my sexual urges. After all, I am a horny teenager. But in the end, I think it's all about pleasure more than happiness. If sex made everyone happy, there wouldn't be so many divorces or so many couples being pissed off at each other. I think it goes back to the old saying, familiarity breeds contempt."
"That's a bit cynical, isn't it?"
"Yeah, but it seems like you can admire, desire, lust after, crave, or want someone, and then once you have them and you get to know them, they're just like everyone else. The respect and awe you had for them disappears. Poof! And you know what the odd thing is, I'm still in awe of Matt. What we have is different. I think that's why I want him so badly. I don't think it has anything to do with sex. Anyone who can love you unconditionally and actually mean it, is someone I can respect."
Walker smiled. "Sounds like you're growing up, Andy."
"I hope so."
"Sounds like you discovered a lot over the last two weeks. Anything else?"
"Matt and I went out to the football field and to the track to do some running. We joked around and raced each other, and you know what, when we were all through, I realized I was really happy. Happier than I've been in a long time. I watched a couple of baseball games with my dad. He takes a walk every evening, and I went out walking with him. He's not a bad guy once you get to know him." I paused. "Just joking, Doc. But there was something special about spending that quiet time walking in the warmth of the evening that was special. It made me happy."
I didn't say anymore and then Dr. Walker said, "And?"
"And, umm, seeing him happy made me happy too."
"Are you sure it was happiness?"
"Yeah, Doc. I'm sure it was happiness. I haven't known a lot of it in the last couple of years, but I can recognize it when I feel it."
"Good. Anything else?"
"School hasn't started yet, but I went out and bought books and clothes and an extra notebook to keep notes in. You know, jot down ideas during class or when I have a brain fart."
Walker smiled. "Do brain farts smell?"
"Funny, Doc. No, they don't, but they make me realize I have a brain and can think about things other than sex."
He took a sip of water. "Any more thoughts on sex?"
"What are you trying to do, Doc, live out your sexual fantasies through me?"
"No, Andy. It's my job to dig further."
"Just joking. I couldn't believe it, but Colt, Thomas' ex-boyfriend, called me up and wanted to have sex. I was tempted, but I told him no. Figured I'd wait until I had your permission."
Walker smiled. "You know you're not going to get it, right?"
"Yeah, I know. But I'd like to talk about it."
"Go on."
"Doc, I know sex isn't what makes me happy. But that doesn't make me want it any less. I'm torn inside. Sometimes I wish I waited until I was older to have sex. My life would have been so much simpler. But it is what it is, and there's nothing I can do about it now. I can't stop thinking about Colt or Ashton or Scott. Colt wants us to have a foursome."
"Foursome?"
"Yeah, Doc. You must know what that is. After all, you're the smart one here."
"Couldn't help it, Andy. Thought it might give you some time to think."
"It did. Made me think how cool it would be. These are all hot guys. It would be awesome."
"Will it make you happy?"
"I'd like to think so. But to be honest, I don't know."
"Could it be the thought of it? The anticipation?"
"Yeah, Doc. That's it. I've done it before. I know what it is like, and I want..." I paused. "No, I crave it."
"Do you think that's normal?"
"Yes."
"So do I."
"Gee, Doc. I didn't expect you to agree with me. Why do you think it's normal?"
"Let me give you an example. When I was just out of college and had my first job, I bought a stereo system. That was the big thing at the time. I'd always dreamt of having one. I used to go to this store and listen to all the expensive ones and told myself when I had the money, I'd buy one. I used to dream about how it would sound, how I could hear every small detail in the music, and how happy I'd be once I owned one. Finally, I had it. My dream had come true. I fussed with it for weeks and loved every minute of it. I recorded music, sat around my apartment and listened to the pure sounds that came out of my $200.00 speakers. And then what do you think happened?"
"You lost interest?"
"Yep. Soon it was just another piece of furniture. I played it now and then. Listened to the news on it, but all the excitement was gone."
He got me thinking, and I asked, "So why don't you go out and buy another one?"
"Because the one I bought is good enough. Buying another one isn't going to satisfy me as much as the first one did. I'd go through the same process all over again. Do you know what I mean?"
"Yeah, Doc. You're not very subtle."
"You're not getting off that easy. What do you think I mean?"
"The next foursome won't be as good as the first one? No matter how much I search for happiness or better sex, it will never be good enough."
"It seems like that. But for all you know, it might be better."
I took a sip of water, set the glass down, and leaned my elbows on my knees. "I don't understand then."
"Sex is a wonderful thing. I suppose it's possible to have bad sex, but you'd have to work pretty hard at it. Obviously some sexual experiences are better than others. But they're all different. But the one thing that each new one has in common is that we are always hoping it will be as good, if not better, than the last. What do you think?"
"You're right, Doc. If you bought the new stereo, you'd expect it to be as good or better than the last. But when you've had the best sex, it's hard to duplicate. That's one thing I know for sure."
He leaned on his elbows too. "Think of all your sexual experiences. Which ones have been the best?"
"That's easy, Doc. The sex I have with Matt."
"Why is that?"
"We have a special bond. He makes me feel loved. I love him. There isn't love with these other guys. But it's still awesome sex."
Dr. Walker sat up and slid to the back of his chair. "Will your life be better or worse if you have this foursome?"
"I don't know, and I think that's what scares me. It's so easy to be consumed with the idea of sex. It seems like the thought of it possesses me like the devil has gotten inside me, and I have no control over what I might do next."
"Do you believe in the devil?"
I smiled. "Not in the way some of the conservative religious people do. I don't mean a real devil will get inside me. My thoughts and experiences from the past are always there. Like you said, I'm always hoping the next sexual experience will be as good or better than the last. But to be honest, I'm usually disappointed."
"Why do you think that is?"
I leaned back in the chair. "I don't know, Doc, and I'm not sure I care. Some sex is better than none."
"You make a valid point. The question still is, will it make your life better or worse?"
"To be honest, Doc. I believe the only way to find out is to just do it. You know, live the Nike motto."
He glanced at the clock on the wall. "Our session is almost over. You have more homework to do. I want you to spend some time thinking about the answer to my question. I want you to give me an answer when we meet next week."
"You mean about whether the foursome will make my life better or worse?"
"Yes."
"I can do that. Does that mean I can have sex with these guys and then let you know if it makes my life better or worse?"
He laughed. "I didn't say that. And besides, I don't have control over what you do with your life. You do."
"Okay, Doc. I think I'm going to have the foursome and then get back to you."
"It's up to you, Andy. I am not your parent. I am not Matt. I'm not you. I'm not the guys or the girls that might be affected by what you do. It's your choice."
I stood. "I understand, Doc. I'll report the results of our little experiment next week."
He put his hand on the back of my neck and gave it a light squeeze. It felt good. Then he patted me on the back. "I know you'll do the right thing. His comment and the pat on the back made me feel good. Made me feel happy.
"Thanks, Doc. See you next week."
Sometimes we never think of the consequences of what we do. I wanted to have sex with a girl and find out what it was like. Megan was great, and we had some great times together. The sex was awesome, but then the next thing I know, she thinks we're a couple. So now it's more than just about sex. It's about relationships. Hell, I'd already told Andy I didn't want to be in a relationship, and now Megan wants to be in one. Maybe some guys love being tied down, but I don't. That's me. I like being a free spirit, so to speak. Well, within certain boundaries. The idea of boundaries is the one thing I'd learned from the stupid things Andy and I had done.
I now have a better understanding of what John Donne meant when he said, "No man is an island complete onto himself." When you get involved with people, they become a part of you. They are affected by what you do, and you're affected by what they do. Megan was a part of my life now, and I was faced with a big decision. I enjoyed the sex. She wasn't a guy, and I pretty much knew at the time that I preferred sex with guys, but the sex was still pretty awesome. Megan was very passionate. Most guys would have just stayed for the sex. But that didn't seem fair. It would hurt her if I told her I wanted to move on. That's one of the good things about having sex with guys; most guys are happy for the opportunity to have sex without commitment. I'm sure there are some girls who are the same way, but Megan wasn't one of them. Andy wasn't either. He wanted what Megan wanted, and I didn't. It made me feel terrible.
I told her we'd talk about it later, and to be honest, I had no idea what I was going to say to her. Most likely there'd be a big argument, hurt feelings, and tears. Then she'd tell Zoe and they'd spread the word that I was a shithead and there'd go my reputation again. Hell, there just wasn't any way to win except to keep my dick in my pants. But that didn't seem like a great alternative either.
Andy came by to tell me about Dr. Walker. I really missed my visits with Walker, but I didn't quite seem ready for him, although I was beginning to wonder. The problem was it seemed weak to have to run to Dr. Walker every time I had an issue. Andy showed more courage than me, but I wasn't ready. It would have to get pretty bad before I'd see Dr. Walker again.
Andy told me about his homework.
"I know the answer already. Actually, we both know the answer from everything we did in the past. There are always some kind of consequences. Sometimes good and sometimes bad, but it seemed like a lot of the consequences from our actions have been bad, and yet, we still keep doing them. I thought I could just date Megan, have sex, and be friends, but no, she wants more. Our messing around had unexpected consequences."
All he said was, "If you were with me, you wouldn't have these kinds of problems."
"Hell, Andy. You're not any different than Megan. You want me to be your boyfriend just like she does."
He flopped down on my bed. "It must feel great to be in such demand," he said with a touch of anger.
"I'm just a great lover, Andy. What else can I say?"
"Yeah, I taught you everything you know."
I sat on the edge of the bed. "Not with Megan you didn't."
"Of course I did. There are similarities." He leaned on his elbow. "Don't forget I've had sex with girls too. A lot more than you have. There are a lot of similarities. It's just that I prefer cock over pussy."
"I think I
do too, but I've got to tell you, I love that warm self-lubricating vagina of
Megan's. Your asshole may talk to me and
beg to be fucked, but it isn't self-lubricating and requires a lot of
prepping."
"Maybe so, but it's all worth
it."
"I'll have to admit that Megan doesn't have your toned body and nice cock. But you don't have her firm breasts and moist, lubricated hole. I love taking those breasts in my hands and sucking and licking her nipples. Not quite as good as a cock, but still pretty nice. What I like about a cock is, it's alive and has its own personality. And in your case, both your asshole and cock beg for me to do things to them."
"Very funny, Matt. Can you hear them screaming for you now?"
"Yeah, I do. But I also hear Megan screaming for me too. Shit, I'm in a Catch 22, damned if I do and damned if I don't. What the hell am I going to do?"
"Give in to your baser instincts and have sex with me. After all, I told Walker the best sex I've ever had was with you."
I jumped on top of him and pinned his arms to the bed. "Thanks, Andy. Same here."
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In this life, we have to make many choices. Some are very important choices. Some are not. Many of our choices are between good and evil. The choices we make, however, determine to a large extent our happiness or our unhappiness, because we have to live with the consequences of our choices. - James E. Faust
People say I make strange choices, but they're not strange for me. My sickness is that I'm fascinated by human behavior, by what's underneath the surface, by the worlds inside people.
Johnny Depp
It is our choices... that show what we truly are, far more than our abilities. -- J. K. Rowling
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If you like this story, contact me at eliassctt@gmail.com I answer all emails.
I'd like to thank Lisa for taking the time to edit Knots 1, 2, 3, 4, and 5. As the author, I take final responsibility for all parts of the story, including any errors.
This story is a work of fiction. Names, characters, places, and incidents are the product of the author's imagination and are used fictitiously. Any resemblance to actual persons living or dead, events or locales, is purely coincidental and no slanderous intent is implied.