Last Perfect Snow
By: Jonathan Unruh
Disclaimer: The following is a work of fiction any similarities to real people alive or dead and any events are coincidental only. This work may contain topics or events that some readers may find offensive by continuing beyond this point you accept responsibly for any offense that you may take and will not hold the author responsible for such offense. Do not continue if the reading of this material is an offense in your locality. You have been warned. This work is the sole property of the author and should not be reproduced in any way, shape, or form without written consent of the author.
Since I first realized I was gay, I always knew the day
would come when I would need to tell my mom. I had spent hours imagining many
different scenarios. They always seemed to take place at breakfast though.
Weird, I know; just chalk it up to another one of my little quirks. Anyway, we
would both be sitting at the table eating breakfast. Mom would be huddled over
her second cup of coffee, giving the Java gods there due worship. My mother is
a bit of a coffee addict, she claims to be `not human' until she has her first
cup. I actually agree with her on that. Her eyes have this zombie like quality
and her hair is all over the place until that first cup; then it just seems
like her hair slowly falls into place, and her eyes take on that loving quality
I'm used to seeing. So of course in my imagination I have to wait till she has
finished that first cup and is nursing the second -- there is always a second
-- and I would just blurt out, "Mom I'm gay." At first she would be
shocked. It's only natural that she should be. I have had years to come to
terms with it, but she would need some time to process it all. After this
pronouncement she would give her typical parent speech that always seems to pop
up when an unexpected bump occurs in my road. You know what I'm talking about;
that whole son, I love you and all that matters to me is that you're happy
speech. In any case, all my scenarios end well.
If I wasn't worry about coming out, then why haven't I done so before, you ask. I'm not sure. Like I said, I'm not afraid of coming out. I guess it just never came up. Or it could be the fact that we never eat breakfast together. Anyway, right then I wished I had told her. I never wanted her to find out this way. No matter how easy going you are, walking in on your son kissing another boy when you didn't know he was gay would be a major shock to her system. I was unprepared for the reaction that I got.
The look on her face sent a shiver down my spine and into the pit of my stomach. It wasn't anger or even shock really. I thought I know her well enough to know that she wasn't shocked seeing me kissing someone. It was utter and complete disappointment. It was her eyes that really gave her away, it was the same look she gave my uncle Tom when she found out he had cheated on aunt Judy. She was clearly disappointed that her son was kissing a boy in her house -- that her son was gay. She didn't need to say it, I just... knew.
I had always assumed that my mom would be understanding. I knew it might take time, but in the end I was confident that she would support me. At some point, I would be able to bring my boyfriend home, and show my affection to him. She would gush like any all mothers do over a straight son's girlfriend. For the first time, I actually doubted this future. I doubted that she was capable of ever accept me for who I am. I wondered if this was even going to be my home for much longer.
I didn't really know what I was going to say. Everything was changing so fast. They say as you grow up things change, but I didn't think they meant all at once. I didn't need to think of anything to say though because Jordan was apparently in far worse shape than I was. I don't know when it happened but I was holding his hand. I could feel his fear, just through that simple contact. I never knew before how much emotion could be conveyed through such a small connection like that.
"I'm... sorry" Jordan stammered. "I'm so sorry." He ripped his hand from mine, and tearfully made his way past my mother and out the front door.
"Wait Jordan, don't go!" I called after him, hoping, praying he would stop. I know I had only known Jordan for less than twenty minutes, but in that brief time he had become extremely important to me. Seeing him in pain eclipsed the look in my mother's eyes.
As I moved to catch up with him, my mother blocked the door way. "Let him go Ryan." Her voice was cold and utterly alien to me. I don't remember the last time I heard that particular tone. I doubt it has ever been used toward me. No matter what I had done in the past, she had always been understanding and compassionate. We would talk things out together and find solutions to our problems. Something in her tone told me that wasn't going to happen this time.
"I have to go after him, he needs me," I said stepping back. I realized in my excitement to chase after him that I didn't even have my shoes on. When I moved to grab them, mom blocked me again.
"Ryan we need to talk and you are NOT going after that.... that boy!"
I was dismayed by the amount of anger in her voice. It all seemed to be directed at Jordan. She didn't even know him, how could she have such strong feelings against him especially after she had just seen? Whatever she must be thinking right now, she must know that I care for him... she knew me well enough to know that I wouldn't kiss someone like that unless they meant something to me.
"He needs me and I'm going after him" I said with a great deal of finality, while I moved past her for my shoes. This was all going so wrong, everything had happened so fast and I needed time to think. Unfortunately, that wasn't a luxury I seemed to have; especially with Jordan getting further and further away with each passing second. My mother's temper flying high and she wasn't about to let me go without a fight.
"You are my son and you will do what I tell you to do young man. Let... him leave" I really don't know what it was, but the way she said that made my stomach turn. The calm loving and understanding mother that I had always known seemed to have been nothing more than an illusion. This woman wasn't the person I thought she was, and I was quickly losing all respect for her. She didn't realize that the hate she was spewing forth toward Jordan was hurting me much more than it would him. "Now sit your butt down at that kitchen table and we are going to talk about this NOW!" My mother has never yelled at me in her life until now; well, not that I can remember anyway. She had always been so calm. The Kiss Jordanand i had shared had changed her more that it had changed me. Or was it just how I looked at her that had changed? Either way I didn't have time for this.
My voice was quiet and broken as I pushed past her out the door. I didn't know what walking out like that would mean for me, but I knew in the end, no matter what happened, it was the right thing to. Jordan needed me; I needed him, that's all that mattered right now.
I looked for him as I made my way out into the snow. I had hoped that I would catch sight of him. I wasn't so lucky in that department. I realized I did not have the least idea which way he was going. Jordan was being driven by fear and grief; two things that I was becoming intimately familiar with. I should be breaking down right now -- sent back to my bed gripped by the tears that had had shown up so easily not that long ago -- but I wasn't. Instead I was oddly calm. I don't know what it was that was making me feel like this, was it the adrenalin or was it something else?
I found Jordan's tracks in the still fresh snow and I began to follow them. I was rather fortunate that others didn't share my affinity for fresh snow. Only the most basic tracks marred the fresh powder. Footprints leading to car doors changed to tire marks or the occasional prints of kids following their dogs, the odd yellow calling card left on neighborhood trees. Jordan's were easy to follow, their stance wide and sharp, in a hurry to escape.
Oddly enough the tracks lead me back to the place where I had first met Jordan. The school yard looked different to me this time though. Before today, this it was a large and intimidating space, an adventure in itself just walking through the gate. It seemed smaller now somehow.
I walked over to the swing set where Jordan sat. He was slumped on one of the swings. He looked like a marionette who's strings had been cut. I wondered what had happened to the boy who brazenly walked into my house and kissed me. That furnace of passion felt like a million years ago to me now, i wanted to recapture it. When he looked up at me my heart sang, I saw a part of that fire was still in his eyes.
"I am so fucked." His voice trembled on the verge of tears again. "They are going to kill me. Never in a million years will they understand this. What I am I going to do?"
"You don't have to tell them" I offered. What else was I going to say? I had no other answer for him, no grand understanding of how to deal with these kinds of situations. Heck, I didn't even know what was waiting for me at home, let alone who that person was now. My mother had changed so quickly and my world had been turned upside down. I needed comfort every bit of as much as he did. Somehow, as I watched him on that swing none of that mattered.
"You don't understand. By now they know. My Mom just got hired on at the hotel where your mom works. I met your mom yesterday when I stopped in to drop off my Mom's lunch. The look on your Mom's face when she saw us... she's going to tell them." The tears were welling up in his eyes. I moved closer and tried to wrap my arm around him. I wasn't surprised when he pulled back from my embrace. He wanted to keep his distance. He would be blaming me. I had been the one to kiss him first. Technically, I had started the whole thing. I wouldn't blame him one bit if he got up right then and told everyone it was just my fault. "What am I going to do?" he asked slumping down and resting his tired face in his palms.
"I don't know" I started to say, and then stopped. I did have an Idea, it just needed a little tweaking. It wouldn't save me, but if everyone bought it, he would be fine and that's all I cared about. "We could tell them it was my fault; that I kissed you, that you didn't want to but I did it. I'll even confess, tell them I forced the kiss on you and you tried to push me away. We are about the same strength, no one would question it."
"I couldn't do that to you" he said meeting my eyes. "I wanted to kiss you just as much as you wanted to kiss me."
"I doesn't matter. No one needs to know that. You would be out of trouble." I was trying to reassure him that my plan would work. I knew it would. I'm the freak that walks for hours in the snow, the son of a widow. No one in town would even think twice about it. I had always been on the fringes anyway. I only had a few friends. I had to face my mother at home, so either way, what did it really matter? My reputation wasn't worth him suffering if he didn't have too.
"No I couldn't do that to you. We may have just met but that offer alone proves you're a good person. Besides your plan makes it so we can't get to know each other better. After that last kiss I really do want to get to know you better." The look in his eyes, the way his lips moved, even the rosiness of his cheeks all screamed I want to love you. Watching him say that is a memory I hope I will carry with me to death. How could I turn him down?
"I want to get to know you too, but are you sure? 'Cause if we don't do this now no one is going to believe us later." I really wasn't sure which way I wanted him to go. On one hand, telling everyone what really happened would mean I get to know Jordan better, possibly even have my first boyfriend, but at what cost?
"I'm sure" he said standing up. "Just don't leave me." I was relieved that he said that. It was what I wanted, but I was also willing to sacrifice almost anything for him at this point. I moved forward to offer him another hug. At first he seemed hesitant, which is understandable considering. It felt like forever while he decided, but in the end it was worth the wait when I felt him in my arms again. He held me, just as tight as I was holding him.
"I won't leave you... I guess we will have to figure this out together," I replied rubbing his back through his warm fleece jacket, trying to comfort him somemore.
I don't know where I was getting this new found strength from, it really wasn't like me. I guess meeting Jordan, kissing him, facing my mom like that, had forced me to grow up. Despite the problems, I liked the feeling. "I know right now it doesn't look good. My mom didn't take it so well that her son is gay and I guess yours are not going to either. We have each other though, and together we can do it." I really did mean this. I knew what I was saying was true. With Jordan next to me, I could face a hurricane and win.
I held Jordan close in my arms and the hug we were sharing became more intimate. Our foreheads touched and we took solace in each other's embrace. I felt warm close to him. It was closer to anyone than I had ever been in my life. It had all happened so fast, and yet despite the huge problems we face, it felt... right!
Our lips grew closer and closer and suddenly everything washed away again. Time rewound to those moments before there were any problems and it was just the two of us again getting to know each other. Not so much by words, but by touch, by look, and by feel. When we kissed this time, it wasn't with the passion, or the newness that got to me before; but how right, how perfect it felt.
"Jordan Daniels!" A woman's voice I didn't recognize broke the moment. "Where are you?"
"Hold me," Jordan whispered as the voice repeated itself and drew closer. I pulled him in closer into a tighter hug and I held on for dear life. "Don't leave me," he said as I looked up and saw a woman, who I assumed was Jordan's mother, coming around the corner.
Author's Notes: Thanks again for taking the time to read my story! As always I love hearing from you guys so please leave me an e-mail at firstname.lastname@example.org and tell me what you think about this story. Also Eliot spent a great deal of time on this chapter helping me make it better and better. Thanks Eliot your work means a great deal to me! Happy New Year to all my readers!!