Date: Sun, 28 Apr 2002 19:10:49 -0500 From: Thomas Morningside Subject: Lessons Learned In Life: 1 The standard disclaimers apply here, if you are too young, and have not yet reached the legal age for reading or viewing material of this type, and then you should leave now. If the viewing of this is illegal, under any circumstances, or in any jurisdictional classification you come under, then you, as well, should leave. If literature pertaining to homosexuals offends you, then you should leave now, or stay and be offended. I shall let the story introduce itself, and tell you where it is coming from. The names of those who are real have been changed, as have the names of places, or specific events in the story. I would love to hear what you think of this story, so feel free to email me at thomasmorningside@hotmail.com. All comments are welcome. With that said, let the story begin. I guess it all began when I was just reaching that blessed age of pubescence that fills your mind and body with new wonders desires, and questions. I began to notice, as cliche as it may be that I wasn't attracted to girls, as the other boys were, oh no I was attracted to boys, those glorious examples of aesthetic perfection. This realization didn't become too important, until a few years later, when I became heavily engrossed in the illiberal and intolerant dogma of the local church I was attending. This engrossment led me to believe that I was this horrible person, I was gay, oh my goodness and that was not only a sin, but also an abomination. Seeing this, and taking it to heart, I began to bury myself behind huge layers of denial, rebuking not only homosexuality, but also anything in support, semblance, or recognition of it. This also applied to people, anyone who supported this "wicked" sexuality would be sure to hear my opinion of it, that way they couldn't assume anything about my own sexual orientation. This lasted for several years until I began to notice that the more I denied my own feelings, the stronger they came back to me, I couldn't rationalize this to myself. If I had made a choice to become gay, then making a choice to not be gay should cancel that out, shouldn't it? This was my rational. I couldn't comprehend it no matter how hard I tried. I didn't remember making a choice to be gay, but I had to have, I know I wasn't born that way. I thought if it wouldn't go away, then I'd have to learn to live with it, even though it was wrong. Several years after this I began to consider letting someone else in on my secret. I chose the first person to be one of my best friends, Susan. I though that of all my friends she would be the person who not only was I closest to, but was also the most tolerant. "Susan I need to, uh, talk to you when you have a minute," I uttered not knowing if I really wanted to go through with this or not. "Yeah, Thomas, what did you need," Susan asked me looking at me trying to see if she could guess what it was, looking past the facade of bravery I thought I had put up, she stated, "Thomas, what is it, are you aright?" "Oh yeah I wanted to tell you that I, uh, well you see, I'm, well Susan I'm." I blundered my way along, getting a concerned stare, and a laugh out of Susan. "Thomas, just say it, what are you gay," she stated and then laughed heartily. My face went blank; I became flushed and almost started crying. "Well actually yeah, I am," I stuttered out, doing my best to gauge her reaction. Her smile was the same, and her eyes looked as if to be contemplating and debating on what her next move should be. "Are you serious, Thomas, you better not be joking, this isn't a joke is it," I guess this reaction was my fault due to the fact that I had a pretty extensive history of joking around, and loving to laugh and joke as much as possible. Even though this wasn't the rebuttal that I had expected, I still didn't sense any change in her behavior towards me, but I had to be absolutely certain. "Susan, I'm not joking, do you hate me now, are you gonna feel differently about me now that you know this," I asked hoping against hope that she would say no. "Oh you are serious, don't be stupid," she said playfully punching me in the arm, as she often did. "I don't feel any differently about you than I ever have, I have an aunt who is a lesbian, you're still the same to me," she finished pulling me into a hug. My heart soared to the highest realm I could fathom, I had told someone else the biggest secret that I had, and they had reacted positively, if all else went wrong I knew that I would always have Susan. Over the course of the next few months, I came out to seven more of my friends, and two of my family members, those being the family that I was closest to, my cousin Renee and my grandmother. I guess I could tell you why these two were chosen to be the first family, my grandmother got the pick because she is the closest person in the world to me, and if everyone when finding out my sexuality, turned against me, but she didn't then I would be fine. My cousin is a person that I had always talked to when things come up; we had lived together for a few years at this time too. The friend were chosen because they were the people that I was closest to at this time, four of my friends who would have classified as best friends, were not told. This was basically for one reason, they all went to my church, the one with the intolerant dogma, they too had it heavily ingrained in their minds too. I knew that when I made the choice to come out completely, I would lose them, I wasn't ready for that, yet. We're now at the beginning of school my senior year and two months have passed since the last friend was told. School was going good, I liked the classed I had, and was excited with the impending graduation. About two weeks into the year my senior English teacher gave us the description of an assignment that was due the next week. She told us we were to bring in a container, referred to as an artifact box, and it was to be filled with various things representing my life, and answering question about it. One of the things she said it needed to contain, was something representing, "a lesson learned." I chose a shirt I had purchased once, in Hot Topic, it was black with rainbow lettering stating, "let's get one thing straight, I'm not." I felt that I was ready to come out completely, I had the support of my friends, and the most important members of my family. The day came to do my presentation, I got up started, and then I took my shirt out of the box. "This is my lesson learned," I started, "I don't have to hide from things, just because, some people don't like it, or they don't accept it, and so I won't hide it anymore," that stated I held up the shirt, and turned the front towards the class, letting them all have a good amount of time to look at it. I hope you liked it, I know it's short, and somewhat dull, but things will pick up after this chapter. Please write me and let me know what you think, honestly it's the best way to decide where to go from here. This is basically a true story; however, it will entail certain fictional elements, and fictional events. Once again the address is, thomasmorningside@hotmail.com .