The story is a work of fiction and has no basis in reality.

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Life's Journey

Chapter 1
The beginning of my Journey

Hi everyone. Thanks for taking the time to read a little about me. I hope I don't bore you to death with my story. It isn't really all that exciting. I guess I should introduce myself first. My name is David. I am 14 years of age. I have dark blond hair, I call it dirty blond hair and blue eyes. My eyes are deep blue. One of my best traits. I have grown a lot in the last year. I am now 5 feet 9 inches tall and still going. I weigh in at a light 100 pounds. I think I will be a little heavier as I get older, I'm kind of a lightweight right now. I live in the great (not) state of Iowa, just outside of a small town called Charles City. It isn't a very interesting place to live and I hate it every second of every day. I'll tell you why later. My father is a farmer. We raise mostly wheat and corn here. We have about 30 head of cattle, 10 pigs, a bunch of chickens and even a couple of goats.

I have chores every morning before school and every evening after school. My father says it will teach me responsibility and how to be a man. Yeah right!! I ride the bus to school every day. It takes an hour each way to make it into Charles City to school. I am a sophomore in high school. I am running a 3.8 GPA. I will tell you that it isn't easy to do with chores every day but with the 2 hours bus ride, I get all of my homework done every day. I am a loaner. I don't have any friends. I don't play sports, well I did play football last year and hated it. I thought it would get me out of doing my chores, it didn't. My father said that if I wanted to take on more responsibilities, then it was my choice. So, I played for one year. It almost killed me and my grades suffered too. When my folks saw my next report card, the flipped out. They said that I was not going to play any more sports. I said that was fine by me.

Now comes the part that may shock you. The most enjoyment I got out of playing football was the showers after each practice and each game. Why Do you ask? Well, you see, I am GAY...Ok, now I have said it. Yes, I am GAY, GAY, GAY, GAY!!!!! GOD DAMN IT, I AM GAY !!!! and if you don't like it you can put it where the sun never shines. Sense a little anger don't you. Yes, I am angry. I am angry at the world because I am gay and they think I choose to be this way. Like hell I chose this. Everything I have read in my school library says that it is just a phase I am going through. That I will out grow it. You know what I have to say to that? BULLSHIT! Plain and simple.

Why would anyone choose to be ridiculed, teased, pushed, shoved, kicked and beaten and have everyone in your life hate you. I know that I am not going to out grow how I feel. How I am! Right down to my most inner core, to the center of my being, I am gay. What is gay? Well, it is when you are attracted to someone the same sex as you are. Yes, I like other boys, no I love other boys. Not that I have much experience with other boys, I just know that all I can think about and dream about are other guys. Not girls. Oh, I like girls, but as friends only. I have no, nada, sexual attraction to girls at all. But have a cute boy walk by me and pitter patter, pitter patter goes my heart. I get dizzy, start sweating, even in the middle of winter, and I just can't take my eyes off of him. Little David gets all excited, oh boy does he get excited. So here I am, poor little David, stuck in the middle of fucking nowhere, queer as a three-dollar bill and useless as tits on a bore hog. Well, that is what my father says about those fags anyway.

I guess I should tell you a little bit about my parents so I can move on with my story. I'll save the best for last. My father is a hard working, self made man. He comes from a family of 13 brothers and sisters. Yes that is not a typo. He has 12 brothers and sisters. You want to talk about large family gatherings! Holidays around here are a real show. I guess that is my favorite times of the year, I have a lot of cousins that are my age and I love it when they are here. I finally have someone to talk to that understands me, well all except the gay part. I don't tell anyone about that. Anyway, my father's family is very religious, and I mean very religious. God will strike the sinners of this world dead and send them to eternal suffering in hell. Ever since Stonewall in New York, more and more gay people are coming out of the closet. Yes, I have heard about Stonewall. I have my ways of getting past the church censors of our community. You see, this isn't the dark ages. At least once you get outside of Charles City. Maybe outside of Iowa. The more visible they are, the more the minister of our church rants and raves about them. So, does that give you a little insight as to what my father is like. Don't get me completely wrong. He isn't a violent man and if you are in need, he would give you the shirt off of his back. That is as long as you aren't a sinner.

Now for the good part. My Mother. She is the most wonderful person in the world. She is quite most of the time. Does what she needs to do to get this family by. Oh yes, I didn't tell you that I am an only child. Yep, just little old me. Anyway, my mom has some of the most wonderful sayings. One of them is that she doesn't hate anyone.

"I don't hate anybody, hate is a terrible thing, a terrible feeling to have. There are just people I had rather not be around." Yes, that's my mom.

Every time she hears my father say something derogatory about gay's she cringes and does her best to find something to do elsewhere. Some day, when I am brave enough, I am going to ask her about that. Mom is like my father in that she is a very giving person. She is always helping those in need. Giving time, food, clothing. Anything that we can spare. We aren't rich but we aren't poor either. My father has done a great job of diversifying the farm. He will change crops if he thinks one type won't do well in the market. He has a good sense about that type of thing.

I guess I should get back to me. That is what this story is about, right? Well, now that I have already told you about my secret, I guess I can tell you how I found out I was gay. I was about 10. It was Thanksgiving and the whole family was here. There must have been 50 or 60 people visiting all at once. My older cousin Ryan was 12 at the time. I just couldn't keep my eyes off of him. He was so cute. Well, he is a real knock out now at 16. We wanted to get away from all of the noise and from the adults so we went out into the barn. Ryan started asking me if I had ever played doctor. Well, I hadn't so he asked me if I wanted to. You bet, I said. I would have done anything he asked me to. Well to make the story short, we both wound up naked together and played with each others thingies. I got a stiffy and so did Ryan. I didn't know what that was all about but I will tell you that I thought it was the most wonderful thing in the world. I love looking at Ryan's body. His chest, his legs, his arms, his eyes, his lips (I really wanted to kiss him but I didn't because I thought he might kill me on the spot.) his thingy, ok I'll say it, his penis. Are you satisfied? His butt, ohhh! It was so cute. I just loved everything about him. I still dream about that day. After that, all I wanted to do was look at other guys. I wanted to see them naked, I wanted to have a real close look at every part of their bodies.

This remained on my little 10 year old mind, and my 11 year old mind and my 12 year old mind, until I had a date with a girl. That summer, my mother asked me to take Cissy to the church picnic. Her real name is Cassandra but every one called her Cissy. I told my mom sure and we picked up Cissy at the neighboring farm the day of the picnic. I felt it my duty to keep her entertained, just as my mom told me to do. I know that Cissy was enthralled with me. She hung on me all day. I was ok with that so I didn't say anything to her. Later in the day she asked me to go for a walk with her.

"Sure, why not." I was bored as hell anyway.

She led the way and as I was day dreaming about the cute boy that I had just seen, she suddenly pushed me to the ground and lay on top of me. I had a stiffy going. That boy was really cute. I think she felt my stiffy because the next thing I knew she had her hand down my pants and was grabbing it. As soon as I snapped out of my "not there" state and realized that is wasn't the cute dark brown haired boy that I had just seen, Mr. Stiffy went away. Yes, he said that this is just too much, this "Yuck" girl is touching me and I'm outa here. That was the point that I knew I had a problem.

I pushed Cissy off of me and yelled at her "What the hell do you think you are doing?" And I marched off.

Of course I headed right back to where I had seen Mr. Studly.

I think Cissy was afraid I would go tell on her, because she left me alone the rest of the day. I searched for the boy I had seen and I found him. I watched him from a distance because I was so taken with him that I knew if I tried to talk to him, I would make a fool out of myself. The rest of the day I followed him around at a distance, trying to be as inconspicuous as I could. What devilish things my mind was thinking. He was beautiful. He was gorgeous. He was handsome. He was the most wonderful site I had ever seen in my life. I was in love. Right there on the spot, I knew I was in love with this boy. Well, at least I thought I was in love.

I heard the lunch bell ringing so I headed back towards my folks. As I got there, the minister was standing on one of the tables trying to get everyone's attention.

"Ok everyone, I have a very important announcement." Everyone quieted down. "Now as some of you know, I am going to be leaving next month." (I hadn't heard a thing about it, well, maybe it was because I let my mind wonder everywhere when I was in church.) "Today I am happy to introduce Pastor Simon. He will be my replacement here in this wonderful community we have. Pastor, if you will?"

I saw a tall dark haired man get up on the table. "Brothers and Sisters, it is my pleasure to be here. This is one of the most god fearing communities I have ever had the pleasure to serve in."

Damn, this guy is already preaching. This is really going to be great.

" I would like you all to meet my family. This is my wife Darlene. My youngest Cheryl and this is my oldest Sean"

OH, MY, GOD! There he is. My love. He is the minister's son. My heart sank right there on the spot. I knew I didn't have any chance in god's good earth to ever get him to like me. To love me.

I lowered my head and slipped away. I was devastated. I had fallen in love and been rejected in less than a day. I knew that I would never have anyone that I could love like him. He was the one that I wanted. He was the ultimate. He was all I could think of. I was walking away from the picnic. I just didn't want to be around other people right now. I wanted to be alone so I could cry. I walked to a secluded place next to the creek and sat down and cried my eyes out. I was so torn up that I couldn't even think what living any longer would accomplish. No, I wasn't thinking of suicide. I had just decided that I wasn't worth anything to anyone anymore.

I don't know how long I sat there and bawled. The next thing I knew, I heard a voice.

"Are you all right?" It said.

I blubbered something back and the next thing I knew there was a hand on my shoulder.

"Why are you crying?" The voice said again.

I wiped some of my tears away and looked up. "OH, SHIT!" I said out loud, not even being able to control it. It was him. It was my love and he was touching me. My body started shaking all over. Tears started flowing again. I couldn't control them. I couldn't control anything. The next thing I knew, Sean had pulled me to him and was holding me in his arms.

He kept telling me that every thing would be ok. "You will be ok. I'm here for you." He said with love in his voice.

You don't know what that was like. I was suddenly floating on clouds. I was invincible, I was super man. I had my love telling me that he was there for me. He was holding me in his arms protecting me from the world.

Now, I am sure you are thinking that we instantly fell in love and lived happily ever after, right? WRONG! My tears quickly dried up, my body stopped shaking and I was so content. I snuggled closer to him.

"Well, now maybe you can tell me what the problem is." He asked.

"I, I, I'm ok now. T-Thanks." I stammered.

He let go of me and I started shaking again. He stood up and pulled me to my feet.

"Maybe you should talk to your parents about this." He suggested.

"No, its nothing. I'm ok now. Thanks for being concerned." I replied, finally gaining some control over myself.

"Not a problem. By the way my name is Sean."

"Hi Sean, glad to meet you. My name is David."

"Hey Dave, great to meet you too. I just moved here and I haven't made any friends yet. Think you could be my friend?" He asked.

With a big grin on my face, "Sure, I would like that."

Well, to cut to the fast lane. I told Sean that I knew who he was and that I would be happy to be his first friend here. We did become friends, great friends. Sean is a year older than I am. He is taller than I am and really thin like I am. Did I tell you he is really cute? I decided that if I couldn't have Sean as my lover, that I would have him as my best friend in the world. For the next two years we were inseparable. We did everything together. As friends. I was as close to heaven as I was going to get with him and that made life worth living. Sean was a lot like me in a lot of ways. He didn't like sports. He was a loaner. Except for me. He didn't have anything in common with the other guys in school. So we were a perfect match. Then it happened. On my fourteenth birthday. Sean was the only guest I invited to my birthday party. It was on a Saturday. I had invited him to sleep over for the night and he could ride to church with us Sunday morning. I know what you are thinking. I was planning on making my move on him that night. You are wrong. There is no way in this world that I would chance losing Sean as my friend and I knew that if I did something like that, he would be out of there quicker than lightning. I just wanted him there for a special occasion. After all, he was my best friend.

We had a great day together. We goofed around the farm, went skinny dipping in the creek. I love looking at him naked. I would take quick peeks at him when he wasn't looking. It is a good thing that the creek water is cold or he would know that something was up. Really up! I got a new computer for my birthday. I was so excited. Sean must have known because he had gotten me a really neat game for it. After dinner and cake and stuff, we went up to my room to get the computer set up. My old computer was a piece of junk. It would hardly boot up anymore and my parents knew that I would need one to keep up with the times. This was the best, hey they aren't really bad parents, even my dad. We got the machine running and I asked my folks if I could try it out on the Internet. We only had one phone line so I had to ask permission first. It was my birthday so they agreed and didn't set a time limit.

Wow, this was neat. Sean and I started surfing around and we found ourselves at some gay teen age web site. The topic was about gay people. I said "Oh no." And started to find something else when Sean grabbed my hand and asked me to stop. I looked at him and he had this really strange look on his face. He was breathing fast and hard. His face was turning red. He started reading "Being gay is not a choice. It is a fact of nature. As far back as the 1970's the American Psychological Association made a statement that being gay is not a disease. It is believed that genes are the cause and that they are born that way." I was sitting there with my mouth wide open. This was the first time I had ever read something like this. I looked over at Sean and he had tears running down his face. He suddenly jumped up and raced out the door. I heard him running down the stairs and the back door slamming. I jumped up and ran after him. I saw him headed for the creek. I knew he was headed for our secluded swimming hole. I slowed down a bit to give him a minute by himself.

When I got to the creek, Sean was sitting with his arms around his knees and his head lowered on them. I could hear him crying.

I walked over to him and said "Are you all right?"

He didn't move. He just started crying harder. So I sat down next to him and wrapped him in my arms just like he did long ago.

"Sean, you are my best friend. You can tell me anything and it won't make a difference to me at all."

"You'll hate me." He blubbered.

"No, Sean, I won't hate you. You are my bud. My only friend. There isn't a thing that would make me hate you."

He raised his head and looked me right in the eyes. "David, I think I am gay." And the tears increased. He started shaking all over.

I pulled him closer to me and said "Sean, I don't hate you, I love you."

To be continued......

Copyright S. John Holder 2000

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