Date: Tue, 16 Mar 2004 20:19:44 -0800 (PST) From: louis dreyfus Subject: Lights, Chapter 1 LIGHTS By: Louis Archie D. Perez *This is the first time I wrote anything, fiction or non fiction, prose or poetry, under my real name. I have written countless poems under a pen name and one story under the name Achilles Heinz that could be found in justinscorner.homestead.com. In truth, this is the second fiction I have written and I am not very sure yet of the effectiveness of my writing style. I would heartily appreciate any criticism or suggestions from the readers on how best I could further improve my works. Please email any communication to lash21_98@yahoo.com. Thank you for giving my works a portion of your time. God Bless! Note: The stage is a revered place for me. I had and always will be an actor. And though it is a place that will eternally be a dwelling of innumerable characters and personalities that will continue to astound, drive us to tears, tempt, seduce, be a model, influence, crack us up and basically entertain; what happens when the curtain falls is more priceless and enduring than any story it could ever be setting of. Let me give you a taste of the limelight. A place where everybody is bathed in.LIGHTS! Chapter I - "Wake up and smell the flowers Anton." I could hear the distinctive sound of a spacecraft! From beneath me, I could feel the anxious squirming of Isabel as I stopped what I was doing and unconsciously looked up. I held my breath, not in anticipation of any alien race to descent upon us but to the inevitable clamor that I knew was to come. I could feel Isabel's breast pressed hard against my sweaty chest. Her warm soft hands mindlessly caressing behind my neck, as she lied idle on the hard mattress we were on. I could sense that she was on the verge of cracking up like I did. But like me, she had complete control of her emotions - at the moment. "CUT.what kind of a fucking sound effect is that?" Barked a gruff voice from somewhere within the darkness of the audience area. "I wanted a sound of sex not that.unless." Vincent, the director added, his voice sounding a little less edged than when he spoke his previous line. "I was thinking along the lines of a moan." I could not help giggling at the notion of the sound of sex being spacey. I could almost imagine how the world would be with all the clamor and banging extraterrestrial noise everybody would make. "That would be the day," I muttered under my breath, unmindful that my partner had been pushing me to get off her for quite sometime as our director forgot about us and focused his attention on the sound engineer. That completely engrossed me, took my mind off the moment and got me dreaming of what I wanted to become - just like him, in complete control; though he was not so just then. "Anton, get off me!" Isabel's husky anxious voice grumbled beneath me, the loudness not too soft though she meant it to be such, forgetting that the theatre's acoustic was state of the art. "Your prick is jamming into my thighs," she added in a resounding whisper that attracted the attention of our irate director. "And you two imbeciles, what were you doing? I asked you to fuck not make out like a couple of high school thespians you are! " Vincent's voice echoed through the gloom of the lightless audience chamber. "And you call yourselves actors? Bah!" His insults continued to barrage us though in reality it could not affect us in any way since he was constantly feeding us with infinite belittlement that it sounded second nature to our accustomed ears. We knew we were good and that made his snide remarks but passing trivial gossip in our ears. "Now if you want to make it big in this business just follow what I say!" we said all together, Isabel and I knowing that it would be the last line of his reprimand - he says that every time. We both smiled; Vincent could be so damn predictable. Not that he was a bad director, in fact he was one of the best - known throughout the province to give a neoteric tint to otherwise old or classical scripts. His problem with his indifference to his cast and production staff could easily be overlooked once you see the performances of his stage shows. The truth be known I was damn lucky to be included in this play, it was not his habit to employ neophytes in major pieces such as this one. Shall we say I was at the right moment, at the right time with the right body! Talk about coincidences and fate. "Now lets do the scene all over again." Vincent's voice suddenly sounding matter of factly that we all knew that his head was cooled once more and that it was back to the business at hand as usual. "Act I, Scene 4, The Shadow of a Dream," the stage manager called out as soon as everybody was set. I was lying on the cot with only the lower part of my pajamas, holding the prop journal that I was supposed to be reading for the scene. Isabel was still at stage left, awaiting her cue for her entrance. "Action!" The dimmed lights slowly brightened as I counted the three seconds I needed before I was to say my lines. I quickly lost all thoughts of my own as I was plunged into the world of my character, Daniel Zimmer, the libidinous rural teenager. I started reading from the blank journal I was holding, oblivious to the dozens of eyes that I knew was looking at me, watching my precise yet realistic movements, my rehearsed yet fresh performance. I was a natural - that I was confident of. "December 5th." I started saying my lines. "I saw him today! The child. He was strolling before my very eyes like the angel I envision him to be, his long ebony colored locks cascading on his shoulders like they had a life of their own. I saw him, but he did not see me. I'm sure for he does not even know of my existence! Daniel, when will you realize my presence?" I paused and looked up, like I was thinking of the impact of reading somebody else's thoughts, and the thought was of me. "I did not know Carmen!" I whispered. That was Isabel's cue to enter and she did so. I knew even before she said a word that she was onstage. We have rehearsed this particular scene countless times that it was second nature for us to know where everybody was at any given instance. "Daniel?" She said her piece. "Now you know that I have been dreaming of this moment a long time ago. That I have had fantasies of you and how it would feel to be in your arms." "I'm sorry Carmen!" I said rising from the set and casually folding the revealing prop in my hand. I placed it on the bed corner like I had been instructed though I was feeling that it was what was supposed to be and not what I was told to do. I was no longer Anton Cabrera, high school student; but a stud, anticipating a new conquest in but a few seconds. I tenderly took her hands into mine giving the towel she was holding unto her body reason to fall to the floor and give me a full view of her ripe body. One I have seen countless times in the course of our rehearsals but still I viewed it like it was the first time I ever laid eyes on such a sight. She dropped her gaze to the floor, suddenly shying away from my staring. I knew she was acting it out but she was good, very good that I easily believed in her modesty. "I like you, even before, when you thought I never knew you. And I always wanted to do this." I said, tracing my fingers lightly on her cheeks before kissing her. She was motionless at first but then she soon followed my lead. And we were kissing, like it was the first time though certainly I could not begin to count the times we have done so. The next actions were done slowly but precise. Like a ballet done with accuracy and one false timing could change what was to follow. This time the musical score came at exactly the right moment and it was a sound of love and tenderness and the right amount of lust. Accurately what the characters would have felt had it been real life. But I knew from the moment that I held her slim waist above me, guiding her as I was presumed to enter her that something was wrong. It was not a lewd act, what we were doing and except for the one time when I was supposed to bare all, no privates could be seen by the audience. It was artistically blocked to tease rather than arouse. But still, as actors we should have been into the acts itself. Yet, everytime I can't seem to force myself, to propel my emotions to cooperate. In reality, I was a bit revolted at what I was doing. I had been since the start, only I was trying too hard to keep it - that time I was not good enough. "CUT!" Vincent's voice pierced through the scoring. "Anton, are you GAY?" Like thunder, his question descended upon me like an accusation of a misdeed. Like I was a criminal and finally found out. Like a deadly incurable disease sickened me. Though his voice did not have an edge nor a tinge of censure, I felt as if I was slapped with something vile and degrading. I was injured and managed only to gawk at him and remain silent. The truth hurts when one least expects it to be thrown at him. The theatre suddenly became as silent as a sepulcher. I would not have been surprised if everyone inside could hear the accelerated beating of my heart, the shallowness of my breathing, even the littlest sound of my perspiration cascading down my already drenched body. I knew everybody was listening and I did not know just how to answer. Shall I tell him the truth and risk being thrown out of the production three days before gala - or lie and go on living a life that is not my own to begin with? I was tired and suddenly feeling fearful. It did not occur to me that I was being paranoid. I only felt that I was being ridiculed; I was brought up to think that way, that what I am was a mistake. I imagined the snide remarks and the laughter of those who were listening in. I did not feel anything else but fear. Doomed. "Well.I'll be damned!" Vincent finally uttered to nobody in particular. "I never thought so!" That did it. I answered his question with my silence and finally it was out. I could not have contained it longer and I felt sentenced. All my dreams crashed back at me like a thunderstorm on its most ferocious. I lost all hopes of being exceptional in the craft that I longed to belong. On my first production, I ended my career. I wanted to storm out and walk aimlessly, silent and detached from all that was happening, I could think of no way to salvage the effect of my being different. I knew I was worthless. "Yes I am!" I declared weakly. I had no will left to deny what I was. If I was to be ruined at least I wanted to go down with dignity and truthfulness. "I had been ever since I joined this production, and if that creates a difference to the efficiency of the play I thank you for the chance you have given me," with renewed courage and sense of self worth I stood up and faced my greatest fear - being rejected. I prepared myself to make a graceful exit, if that was even possible at the moment. Suddenly I wanted to face everybody and be myself for once. Isabel had discreetly withdrawn from the stage and since the stage lights were fully directed at me, I could not see anything else around me. I felt lonely and severed from everybody else. I knew I had to face everything alone but the isolation was beginning to strangle me. I was strangely feeling claustrophobic in the cavernous theatre. "And what gave you the idea that it matters to me?" I heard the director say. "What matters is that it gets in the way of your character!" I did not believe that I heard him right. I was stupefied once more, I had been preparing myself for the worst and it seemed that I had been thinking wrong. I could not believe my ears much less accept the implication of what Vincent was telling me. "What?" I lamely asked, suddenly unsure of everything that has been happening. Suddenly shy that I reacted the way I had been acting. Shameful that I was being too presumptive. "Look Anton, the stage does not really care what your preference is, nor does it have any command in your private life. What it requires of you is that for you not to be yourself when onstage. That is where you were mistaken." Vincent was suddenly sounding like an ally and not a foe, which I thought he was a few moments before. "You brought your baggage with you when you should have gone in as empty as you can. It affected your effectiveness. And for your information more than half of this theatre at this moment is just like you - different!" I felt all my hopes and dreams jolting me with happiness. I could not contain the elation that I felt at that instance that I wanted so much to shout with joy and jump up like I was about to fly. I lost all fears, all gloom, all shame that I have been feeling. Instead I smiled and plastered the grin on my face for all to see. I was out, I was proud. The rehearsal commenced soon after that. And though it was hard to detach the feeling of distaste I had at first I soon got around it. I did not relish the fact that I had to do what I needed to do but when I thought about it, it was not I but Daniel Zimmer - I am Anton Cabrera. I was more effective after that. With Vincent's and Isabel's help, I was able to disassociate my feelings from that of Daniel. Scene after scene I began to realize that I had been pushing myself too hard in the wrong direction, one I was pursuing for all my 18 years of existence. Rehearsals became a breeze. I enjoyed every second of the experience that day, even the insults that Vincent continued to throw at everybody lost the tiniest edge that was there earlier. It was soon over before I even knew it. With everybody I passed by backstage, treating me just like before with no trace of condemnation or indifference I entered my dressing room and sat down. Ecstatic with my newfound freedom and belongingness. Chapter II - "Bask in the sun, its your time to shine." I just sat there and looked at myself in front of the mirror of the dressing room. Alone yet surprisingly full and unlonely, blissful and content after all that has happened to me. I felt like a butterfly suddenly out of the thick annoying cocoon of self-denial. I stared at the reflection in front of me and tried so hard to look for whatever trace of change that I could find. Surprisingly, there was none! I began to wonder why I was feeling so different from what I have been feeling prior to that day. I scrutinized my facial features, which was lit up by the glare of a dozen bright lights that surrounded the mirror, making my face clear and bright and so vivid that I could see the microscopic veins that was barely discernible beneath my translucent skin. I could find no variance whatsoever - but my eyes, well they were beaming with openness and glee of being finally free from the bonds they have been enchained for so long. I heard a knock. It could have been going on for quite sometime but I was oblivious to it much was my euphoria on what has previously transpired. I looked at the door, which was barely discernible through the bright illumination of the mirror lights that I had to squint in order to clearly see it. My mind suddenly working overtime trying to guess who the person outside my door would be. I came up with nobody in particular since I did not know what to expect anymore. Though in my mind's eye, countless faces seemed to flash in a series of kaleidoscopic images much like projected pictures of who I wanted it to be. It did not occur to me that I had to call out for that somebody to enter; I just continued to stare past my reflection to the closed door waiting for whomever to come in. "Anton?" I finally heard the softest whisper outside. It was a masculine voice yet tender and almost passionate and at the same time unsure and shy. Though I found it strangely familiar, I could not tag a name nor a face to the voice. So I kept my silence and waited. But he did not call out once more. The knocking ceased as suddenly and as unexpectedly as it came. And with that came the sound of footsteps going away, to the direction of the theatre's exit. Whoever that was, slipped away from the moment. Perhaps, into oblivion since I might not be able to have the chance again to discover who my mysterious caller was. I began to feel a loss for surely he meant to talk. Maybe about the revelation of my being what I am. That heightened my anticipation. I quickly got up and made haste to open the door thinking it might not be too late to at least catch a glimpse of his retreating back. To have just the littlest idea of who he might be. Or if luck had it, to talk to him and find out what he really wanted. "Wait!" I called out as I opened the door to a darkened and empty backstage. I realized that not only was I too late in discovering who knocked but I have stayed in my dressing room too long without my knowing it. The stage lights were already dimmed and all have left. I did not mind really, and I thought, "Maybe it was just somebody who wanted to remind me of the time." I started closing the door to change into my street clothes before going out when something caught my attention. It was placed just outside my doorstep, on top of the white embroidered rug that said "TRUTH" before me. It was red and green and made my heart leap up with excitement. It was a single rosebud with a note attached to it by a long piece of lavender ribbon. Like a neon sign, it was clearly visible in stark contrast to the foot wipe my mother gave me a few days back. With trembling knees I bent down and picked up the lone stem from the floor. It was fresh! I was sure that it was picked but moments ago from the flowerbed at the back of the theatre hall. I could see that he did so hastily since he might have used whatever vaguely sharp object that came in handy to cut the stem from the plant. The jagged uneven end of the flower was evidence. But of course I did not mind! Just the presence of the bud alone capped my days' adventure with the best ending fate could possibly deliver. The only drawback was the fact that I had no idea who my nocturnal guest was. Though the mystery of it all sharpened my excitement and glee. It took me awhile to gather myself and be ready to depart and go home. My mind filled with a multitude of conflicting emotions that I felt I did not have the right will at that moment. Still, the smile that has been on my face for most of the night continued to be plastered as though it was fixed there and could not be erased. With the strides of one that has been to heaven and back, I glided out of my dressing room and into the darkness of the stage wings and into the night air. The night was aglow with the lights of a thousand stars all afire in the nighttime skies. All looking down at me as if I was being guided by them and that I am finally within their care. I felt the luckiest mortal ever to walk that part of the world. My own piece of paradise, and that everywhere I will go I will be happy. A few cars sped past me as I stood beside the highway. They were like carousels of different colors and their beauty seemed to entice me to look and just stare at them like they were a new vision. As if I have seen them for the first time in all of my life. The lampposts that lined the street reminded me of the nostalgic street lamps one sees in romantic movies and it made me feel so in love with everything around me. I realized that I have been living a life of pain and pessimism yet now have awakened and that made everything picturesque. I was seeing everything through rose-colored glasses. I looked at the rose bud that I have been holding all those time since I found it lying defiantly on my doorstep and wished that somehow I could find somebody to share my happiness at that moment. Then, everything would be more perfect than it was already. "Anton?" A male voice whispered behind me. It came with the faintest tap on my shoulders. Slowly, without any trace of neither fear nor apprehension I turned around and looked straight into the large brown eyes of Christian, a fellow actor in the company. He was standing just a few feet away from me, looking intently into my eyes with a smile that seemed to say the sweetest things, what they were I did not know. "Xian? You're still here!" I declared smiling at him. "I thought I was all alone here, I really did not realize that it was this late. Got into thinking about.you know.what happened in there tonight." I told him, hinting on what transpired as something important to me; I had no reason to hide any longer and that made everything easier. "Yeah, I guess so," he said, looking at the rose I was holding. "Actually, I was waiting for you. Guess you found what I left by your doorstep! Do you like it? I did not have time to get you something more.shall we say I wanted to make an impression but I did not have the luxury of time and I wanted to be the first among the rest. Oh, am I being too upfront? I'm sorry. I don't mean to sound pushy or too brusque about it but.you know." I looked at him. This time convinced that I was dreaming. In truth, Christian was one of those people that you can't help but notice, even in a crowd. He was tall, slim and bronzed - like he always basked in sunlight, had light golden brown eyes that mesmerized everybody that looked deep within them - not that he let just anybody stare, in fact he was known to be a loner, and lips that were slow moving as if when he spoke he was making love with each word that he says. And here he was, in front of me, looking deep into my eyes with a look of defiance and courage and smiling a smile that sent thrills of expectations into my soul. I never thought it possible but I was again speechless and weak in the knees. "I never thought that you were gay Anton. I always though of you to be this hunk who was easy with the ladies, maybe because you are doing Daniel so well that I managed to be taken by your portrayal. I never thought of looking intensely into you personally that I was not prepared to hear what went on earlier. Like I was uprooted from the stability that I had built around me. You see, I am and had been completely attracted to you since I saw you three months ago." Christian said taking my trembling hands into his and kneading my palms, lovingly like he wanted to do more and was afraid to say it just yet. Like a dumb ass I just looked at him and willed myself of wake up, it was so surrealistic and dreamlike that I did not have the courage to believe anymore. I did not want to wake up crying over the most beautiful thing that I could ever imagine. "Pinch me!" I barely managed to whisper. I knew I had to say something otherwise the actor in me would feel slighted and insulted by it all. An actor that always thought he had control of his emotions at the snap of anybody's finger. "What?" With a questioning look, Xian asked me. His usually clear eyes suddenly smoked with doubt and uncertainty. How I wanted to just hold his cheeks and touch his lips and brush away the curls of hair that was covering his forehead. "No. Just pinch me I want to wake up!" I whispered though I never thought he would hear them - but he did. And slowly, like clay molded by excellent deft fingers, his face transformed, as he understood what I was saying. His hands, still holding my own tightened their grip as if afraid to let me go. His smile, complete and radiant like sunlight beamed at me as if I was that precious. I felt like a diamond; clear, priceless and eternal. "Does this mean yes?" He asked. "Yes to what? "To coffee!" "Did you ask me for coffee?" "I'm asking you now." "YES" "To coffee?" "And to anything else." I felt complete! For the first time in my life. Chapter III - "A whole new perspective.love" We walked hand in hand. Crossing the street, dodging a small number of vehicles that passed us by. It was bizarre, everything that happened within the last minutes and what I remembered was hazy and unreliable with embedded biases and forgotten details. The only thing that I could have relayed completely and truthfully would have been the feeling that I had fallen deeply during that instance. I was not thinking straight, yet, was in my most absolute consciousness that I did not think of the whole but the littlest details were fixed in my awareness to settle there for memories later on. My strides were light and my steps slow as if memorizing each second of the experience. I had no idea of time or hours or minutes but what passed me by were jewels to be kept and cherish, something to hang on to when old age comes knocking a long time hence. That time, the orchestra that I was hearing was the right mixture of notes, bars and feeling. A symphony to play on and on in my subconscious. A song playing for just the two of us for I was sure that he was hearing it too. We finally entered a dimly lit cafe. I did not remember where we passed to get there. But surely, I could have told you of the blooming pink carnations we passed by, the smile on Christian's lips when we both tripped on a stone, the last clinging leaf on a dying tree outside the bookstore a few streets before. Images, complete and uncensored. But to tell you of their order, I could never do so just then. We settled on small canvas covered easy chairs placed around a circular coffee table. At first all I could do was gawk at him and memorize each line of his face. His uncommonly deep dimples set nearer his smile than most dimples I have seen in my lifetime. His long curling lashes that leant his features character - almost feminine and beautiful, only on him it was the most manly sight I could ever have seen. I still held his hands in mine. Long lean fingers that were strong and smooth and supple all at the same time. Without thinking, I got them to touch my lips in what could have been a kiss. A gesture that made him smile and blush profusely though it was not that visible considering the dark color of his skin. But I saw him, was looking at him intently that it would have been impossible for me not to see it. "Are you happy?" he asked in a voice that was suddenly low and musical to my ears. I had been dreaming of the moment when somebody asked me those exact same question, never realizing that it would be that soon. "I love you" was all I said in answer. It was all that I could coherently say that very moment. He did not answer me, instead he looked deeper into my eyes if that was even possible. I knew that somehow, he was reading my thoughts - and I let him. All it had there was his name. "I love you too" he whispered slowly, finally. He savored each word, each syllable as though it was sacred. And I believed him. Lost all doubts I might have had before that. Giving my hand one final grip, he eventually let go. We ordered coffee from a waiter who was obviously too busy to notice anything that was happening between us. And when our orders arrived, we completely forgot about it as it grew cold and stale in front of us. But not before I memorized his request of a cappuccino without the cinnamon, I placed it inside my subconscious for future reference - who knew when it would come in handy. We talked. Basically about things that was common between us - and that is the company where we belong that moment. We stayed away from more personal matters since we both knew it will eventually come to that, though at time we tend to include just portions of our private selves in the conversation. "So you've been in your high school's theatre group since freshman year?" he asked, needlessly toying with the teaspoon in his cup, the contents of which was untouched. "Yes, ever since. I have always dreamed of being in a more professional troupe, that's why I was so afraid that I blew my chances away today." I answered him, looking deep within his eyes to know what his emotions would tell me - will he feel pity, remorse or will he share my feelings with me. "I was so frightened that Vincent would judge me just because of what I am!" I could not read his thoughts. Still, when I think him to be vulnerable, he surprises me with the amount of control that he has over his sentiments. "And just what are you Anton?" he inquired, this time I could not help myself but blush because of the bluntness of his approach. I was not offended in anyway but still the impact of his query left me trembling. "How many times must I be asked this before I was sure and firm with my answer.with the truth!" I thought. "Gay," was all I said. Surprisingly, that opened him up. And for the first time I was allowed to see him without the walls that he has erected around him. I felt that we were one in spirit rather than in words. We soon left the cafe. Ignorant to the stares that we were getting from a handful of milling hookers that lined the street, we joyously walked the short distance to his apartment. I knew before hand that he did not live with his parents; young as he was. I have passed by his rented dwelling a couple of times. I knew it was his, somebody pointed it out to me - who, it did not really matter. We did not talk about going there, it was just the flow of events that led us to stand, suddenly uncomfortable in front of his place. We must have looked stupid, standing there with our heads hung low, unable to say the first line that would undoubtedly take us inside his room - to the most intimate niche of his existence. "Um, thank you for coffee." I somehow managed to say. "So are we calling it a night?" he asked, I can see in his eyes that he did not want it to end right there, right then! I decided that if there was to be something for us to share that night it would have to come from me, so I looked him in the eyes and lovingly took hold of his hands once more. "Why did you have to say these things to me?" I asked. "You just don't know how beautiful you look and how I feel as if I am dreaming right now." With those words I kissed him. Right there on his doorsteps without giving him a chance to say no. How we got into his bedroom I don't recall, but soon I found myself locked in his embrace. Entangled and unable to stay away from his affections. "Ooppss!" he soon said, pushing me away from him, giving us both a chance to catch out breaths. I laughed at both of us. The intensity our struggle to control each other's need to grab and smoother ourselves with more kisses. I realized that we were on top of his queen-sized bed which was covered with blue satin sheets, though in our haste and energy, it managed to fall scattered on the floor. The pillows covered with a deeper colored blue were strewn all across the room. All was in chaos, much like the tumultuous heat that has suddenly assailed me. "Slowly my love," he whispered. This time his voice sounded heavier and more syrupy than earlier. His eyes hazy somehow, like it was clouded with something I cant name. "I'm sorry! I don't know how!" "What?" he asked, the surprise and glee mixed in his eyes. "You mean, this is your first time?" I did not answer him. I only affirmed his question with my silence and the barest nod of my head. I was too ashamed to admit it. I was too excited for him to stop. "Thank you," he said before I felt his tender loving fingers stroke my chin and tilting my head as he kissed me. I could feel his hot unhurried breath on my cheeks, his moist soft lips caressing my own with the slowness that both excited me and made me want it more. His hand stroking my hair while the other held my face tenderly like it was the most delicate china. I could only respond as much, praying that I was doing the right thing. He soon was kissing my neck, my earlobes which felt so damn good that I had to give out a moan of ecstasy. I did not know if that was okay and to be safe I just bit my lower lip as the unfamiliar sensations filled my body with want and an unusually exquisite ache on my groin. I felt him opening my shirt buttons, one by one. His deft fingers sliding inside when it was but half opened, caressing my heaving chest, tweaking at my nipples. I could have cried loudly in sweet surrender yet he had his mouth covering mine with a kiss that was now hungry and harsh. Equally excited as he was, I just returned his ministrations, reflecting what he was doing to me. Though I have had countless fantasies of him, I have not had the pleasure of seeing him in the raw. I did not have any idea what to expect though in my mind's eye, I knew it would be the loveliest sight that I would see in a man. Much as I did not want to stop at the moment, I just needed to halt for a time so as to see him, looking at me, waiting; as slowly, I unbuttoned his shirt and saw for the first time the body that constantly haunted my nights and day dreams. "You are so sexy!" he said, gliding the tip of his fingers on my chest downwards unto my abdomen. I dropped my hands which were busy with the last button as I arched my back and sucked in my breath with the intense reaction that my body was subjected to. I did not realize before then that a simple action such as that would remit such reaction. He threw both our shirts on the floor. To lie there with the strewn bed sheet and comforter that has since been discarded in our rush. His room looked like an aftermath of some tornado named after the two of us. "Do you want me to put off the lights?" he whispered. The pressure in him, evident in his voice. "No, I want to see you," I replied as gently I took hold of his shoulders and guided him to kiss me once more. "No, my dear. I don't think I can do this now. You are so vulnerable! I don't want to force you into something that you are not sure of." he painfully grunted out, anxious that I would really hinder what was about to come. I was prepared for him to say such, but I was not prepared to say no! "I want this to happen! I know you do too, I can see it in your eyes!" Those words of mine gave him the courage he needed. The assurance, that I wanted really what was inescapable at that moment. He grabbed me then. And kissed me with a hunger I never expected of him, a hunger that mirrors my quest for affection and acceptance. I was drunk with want and the vigor that was suddenly in me burst forth with renewed strength. We tumbled on the bed. Intertwined like two ropes bound together with so much force that it would have been impossible to undo us. Legs around legs, hands and arms around each other's torsos. We were in a tight embrace that was the first time I ever felt one with somebody. The room soon reverberated with our moans and cries of pleasure. I knew it was right, and the inhibitions that I was feeling before was soon gone with the lightest touch, the gentlest kiss, the furious lovemaking. It was not long before we got around to taking off each other's pants. The vision of him in his birthday suit filled me with so much thrill that I just looked at him, standing before me, the light of his overhead lamp giving him an aura that was both revealing and angelic. To my eyes he was just like an angel, flown from heaven to share with me that instant. I knew I was blessed! I felt sexy in front of him. The glint in his eyes lent me the bluntness and the daring to tell him exactly what I wanted - what I really wanted to say. "You are so delicious. To me, now, you look like a candy that I could just eat and swallow. Every drop, every bite will be such heaven!" how poetic that sounded even in my ears. But that's how I really felt. Like I could fly just then. The wantonness in me made everything unreal. Fantastic and enchanting, the bliss of the first time. Words really did not matter then. Not anymore, how can words compensate for the truth that was there in front of us. We have each other, we have the night. We kissed again, the smoothness of our bodies contrasting with the hardness that was rubbing with each other. Our embrace was tight and the moment gave us reason to hold our breaths and hang on to each instant. He gave me so much pleasure! His tongue and lips doing wonders that I never even imagined was possible. I tried to do the same for him but unfortunately, he was so damned good that it was hard for me to compensate his attention. He was so experienced and I was a neophyte in that game of love. I was thinking that I needed to learn so much to be able to give him my all. I was ready, I was prepared and I was getting him to teach me.soon! "I love you," "I love you too!" It did not matter who said which, but that it meant the same thing. Spent and content for the moment we dozed off. Still locked in each other's embrace. Chapter IV - "Reality is not a dream." I woke up baffled with my surrounding until I felt a warm hot tongue sliding into my ears. Then the memories of the night before all came crashing back into my consciousness. That made me smile inspite of the tickling wonderful feeling that suddenly filled me. I was greeted by bliss so early in the morning. My hard on suddenly meant different from the other morning erections I have had. It was because of him. Christian was beginning to be my aphrodisiac. I reached down and began stroking my struggling manhood, taking Xian's hand with the other and guided it to touch me where it hurt most. He held it tenderly in a tight grip, a stroke that almost made me cum right then. I was that sensitive. I was moaning in the sweetest feeling that assaulted my senses. I grabbed at his face, burying my mouth into his own, my tongue delving deeper into his insides that I felt as if we were glued together. His deft palms fondling me, my hands fumbling blindly for his equally straining cock. He was wearing briefs, now tented so much that I knew he was in pain somehow. An ache that I knew I could pacify. We were grunting with both our exertions and the anxiousness to get to the brink of our desires. There was none of the tenderness that we displayed the night before. It was pure lust, potent and concentrated! We needed each other for release. I was soon licking every inch of his stomach. A part of his body that I was beginning to be fascinated with, much more than any other part of him with the exception of his precious manhood. It was so flat and his abs was strained and contracting with each touch of my dripping wet tongue. I did not leave an inch dry with my ministrations. Even the littlest hairs that grew from his belly button arrowing down into his pubes were sleek with my saliva. My hands were holding on to his butt cheeks as I slobbered and hungrily lapped at him. One of his arms was over his head, clutching on to the bedpost as he arched his back in ecstasy. His other hand was grasping at my hair, pushing my head ever downwards to get to his erection. With slobbery sounds of my kissing, I delved into his briefs. Inhaling the strong musky scent that was pushing me into the brink of unstoppable desire. Sliding one of my palms on his body from his chest to his stomach. Then, slowly pushing his underwear downwards until the tip of his cockhead was visible to me. "Shit Anton, please don't stop!" he was moaning so loud. His hand still gripping at my hair that it would have hurt had we been in another situation, but I did not feel a thing. In fact, his action seems to be sending me into a frenzy. I got my tongue out, and slowly licked at the tip of his dick. Just enough to cover his pisshole, there, where a bud of precum rested. "Ahhhhh!" was all I heard from him, I knew he was straining to control the pent up emotion that was about to come out of his mouth. He pushed his pelvis unto my face, perhaps too excited to wait for me to do what I was about to. I knew I was doing so many things that I have only read and seen in Belami movies that I was enjoying the novelty of everything. Bit by bit, I took off his briefs, careful not to touch his cock in the process. I had plans, and it did not include his cumming before I was prepared to take it all. >From his ankles, I lightly trailed the tip of my fingers upwards, running it teasingly through the insides of his tights. I was giving him so much pleasure that he arched his back so much. I was enjoying the control I had. "Ohhhhh Shit!" Xian's voice reverberated throughout the room which only managed to fuel my need for control. In front of me, waving like a hard rod of iron was his cock. I looked at it lovingly, not touching it. I wanted to see every vein that crisscross the thick pinkish shaft. Reverently, I gave it a tentative touch. Just a bit! And without giving him a moments notice I licked at the entire length, from where his balls met the shaft up unto the mushroomed cockhead. "Anttttoooooonn!" was all I heard him say, then muffled moans as he took hold of a pillow and covered his head. I never knew what took me then, I completely lost control as I held his testicles in my hands and took the whole length of his dick into my mouth. Gagging at first, I soon began to slow down, taking deep breaths every now and then until I got the entire 7 inches deep into my throat. I felt so full and the presence of his cock in my mouth felt so right. Slowly, I let it out, bit by bit; making the tip of my tongue pointy as it leaves a path of spit underneath his dick. I felt as if I had been doing it my whole life though in reality I was doing it for the first time. Groaning loudly now, Christian could not help but thrust his pelvic bone into my face. Fucking my mouth with a passion that was anything but innocent. We were locked together, his manhood the key and I was his hole. His loving hole. "Ah, Shit Anton.Oh Shit.I can't stop..Shit!" I heard his cries in tempo with the wet slobbering sound of my sucking. I knew from the way I was using my mouth and my throat that I was born to suck. "I'm cumming Anton!" was all I heard before I felt him push my head away from his unwavering thrusting hips. I wanted to taste his juices but the idea of seeing his jism erupting from the tip of his cock was enough to keep my head away and look at how it would be with him. I wanted to see him cum. He took hold of his dick and with a frenzy I understood he stroked his cock in wild abandon. Masturbating in front of my face, grunting and groaning my name. His dick was merely inches from my face, looking up, I could clearly see him; his face contorted in what could only be as mask of esctasy. I felt good. Gazing up at him, his cock filling most of my view, I thought that I looked like a slut then. I smiled, somehow that made me feel good, with Christian it felt right.