Date: Thu, 30 Apr 2020 04:11:18 +0800 From: Lex Subject: Living With Innocence Chapter 1 In primary schools, there are always big boys. The top grade of primary schools at home was six and young boys in lower grades respected the six-grade boys a lot. It seemed that at the beginning of each semester, there was an election. There must be a head in Grade Six, who was usually to be the strongest boy at school. I admired guys from higher grades and picked one to be the most handsome boy in my eyes, though he didn't have to be the head. One afternoon, I was cleaning the classroom after school, which was a duty for everyone at school because we didn't have cleaners. I was left alone to lock the door because I was so slow when I packed up my stuff. Carrying the stained and heavy lock, I felt so helpless when I failed locking again and again. I was so anxious and finally burst into tears, but suddenly came the dreamy boy of Six Grade and he even knew my name somehow because of my remote cousin. He helped me out with a smiling and shiny face. He was so attractive but at that time, I just wish I could have a big brother like that. Sometimes, I made a useless wish or even, I complained that mom should have given birth to me after a big brother. When I was in Grade Six, our family moved to town. Dad always wished I could have a better education there, so would my younger sister. I was exposed to sexual materials at that time. I happened to find a flier for Viagra under my parents' bed. I started to read and have a long and hard erection. One day, after shower, I laid in bed naked, imaging the intimacy with some man, dick being hard and pulled back the foreskin. Finally, I exploded for the first time... When fair came to town every five days, there were fliers all over the place, and though kids could not easily get erotic fliers such as Viagra or medical treatment for sex, it wasn't hard to steal from their parents. That was my very first sex education, which might not be the healthiest one, but because my parents always tried to avoid the topic, it happened that way. Chapter 2 Like every gay boy, I could be wild when I faced myself alone. I shuffled the bedsheet or similar fabricates, carrying beneath my shoulders as if concubines in the court of Tang Dynasty. I even imagined the splendid occasion where the most beautiful women in the country gathering together whilst the emperor loved me exclusively. I tried to dance, throwing the cape adapted from the sheet, and looked myself in the mirror. I indulged myself in a dream that can be only realized that it was one when my parent came back... Boys in my class were naughty and flirty in Grade Six. I was never a member of them but always a good listener. I heard boys talking about packages of condoms, it was never an endless topic and the thought of it always made feel guilty but horny; I was ashamed of being involved in all of this. It seemed that the more sexual detail a boy could tell, the more popular he would be. Once upon a time, a small guy even told us, raising his nose in the air, that he saw women offered the service of trimming cubic hair for men in public bathrooms or washing pool. We were amazed and some challenged him a lot, but he seemed to "se débrouiller" very well. Sometimes, they discussed which public bathroom gathered prostitutes. Chapter 3 After graduation of primary school, I got a phone call from one of my classmates. I didn't have lots of connections with that boy so I was a bit surprised when he called me. He said he would feel sad when we could not see each other after graduation because he would go to a different middle school from mine and asked if we could see each other one last time. I was really happy because I did not have many friends at that time. When he was at my parents' house, we were talking about the memories about school life and then we played cards. After an hour or two, both of us got tired and laid on bed while my mom was in the kitchen. Suddenly, it was him who began tickling me. I tried to defend myself and do the same to him. We got closer and closer and somehow, I touched him somewhere unconsciously. "Queer", he said, "I think you are a queer." I came to myself and a stroke of shocks passed through me; I was so scared because it was such a nasty word I could think of for myself. I apologized at once and told him that I was just joking. I am not sure I he took it seriously or not but one thing I am pretty sure that it was the last time that I saw him... In middle school, I came to the top in my class and got lots of praises from teachers. There were macho and tall guys in my class but we never got along. They seemed to be respectful to me because of my grades but boys of such kind were from another world to me. Teachers called them hooligans but indeed, they were really attractive and I did think of them when I had masturbation. At that time, it crossed my mind that handsome boys were never "teacher's pet" like me; they had poor grades and make chaos during class. And a teacher's pet would never be friends with bad boys in teachers' eyes. In fact, it was not always true that a handsome and tall boy could never be a teacher's pet. Chapter 4 I have been always grateful to my mom even she would probably never understand my being gay. Everything was so well prepared by her before my first day in high school. Shop keepers at markets were so touched when mom took me hither and thither for anything in need or not as long as I could knock it out of my head. If there is a better way to reciprocate her, if there is a choice, I really wish that I were not gay, the big will of her whole life. The day eventually came, the school gate was open after the last day of the summer, I was like a lamb waving good bye to my mom and sister because I was settled to live in dormitory and would go back home on weekends. The first day of school always started with boys arranging the desks and chairs, I came to realize that I was almost the shortest boy in class. High school! How life changes! Amazed as I was, I saw some boys that I was into and I always wish that there could be a chance that we could break the ice and become friends. I was a shy boy and always sat at the corner, I dared not to say hello to the boys I like, at least, physically. Two guys I liked most in the class, one is a bit over than the other but almost with the same score. The bit lower-scored was named as Yida, tallest boy in class, with an accent distinct from the town, which was amusing but really cute. He was always making jokes and tried to make people around him laugh. His shiny smile was so sweet that my homesickness was drawn away, because every time you saw it, it was a good mood. As for the other one, Gary, was popular in middle school, and even in high school, the same. I met him once in middle school, but it was such an instant. I could study him at last. He has one of the most Chinese handsome faces which might be virtualized for cartoons or anime. Girls were crazy about him at a time as on Christmas' Eve, he got so many gifts from God know where they came from. I got a nickname after military training, "Wan Nao", meaning "play and fooling around" because I performed really bad during that period. Classmates called me "Dude Nao" after that with a mocking face. I was really upset at that time but I was forced to accept it as days passed by and I got used to that TITLE. Time went on, I was always at a respectful distance with these two dreamy guys, I thought I could only see their backs all the time with a silent admiration. Chapter 5 Perhaps high school classmates in China spend most of their together as we have classes during the day and self-study in the evening, Sunday evening was always melancholy for me, because I would be dragged by some power or my own submission to self-study in the evening. No matter how far you live from school, you could never be expected to be late, or it would be a failure in your credits. One Sunday evening, I went to self-study in the evening as normal. The desk mate of Gary, Yule, summoned me to their desk and asked me some questions about English because I always came to the top in every English exam. Gary was not there, he might be playing outside, fooling around with his mate or still be on his way to school. But I was pretty sure that he would be here eventually, not because I was faithful in him, but the school regulation, the power It was always so effective, fear gives respect hence obedience. Yule seemed to admire me for my English grade and was curious about the way how I study it. Ten minutes before the time for self-study rung the bell for preparation, I was about to head for my desk but I was dragged back to a seat by Yule, "Don go anywhere, you can sit here with us. There are three desks and one is vacant." My heart was pounding, "Nah, come on. The headteacher would find it and hustle me back to my seat." "No, he won't. I assure you. It is vacant anyway. And you are a good student, he would be reluctant to upset you." "No...I am a bit worried..." After a few times of struggle, I gave in. I took my books to my new seat as I saw my former desk mate pulling a long face. I apologized to him, saying I would be back soon. He said nothing but buried his head in his exercise books. Then came the final ring for self-study. Gary rushed into the classroom with a shocked face, "Why are you here, Dude Nao?" "I...I...Yule asked.." "He is here to help us, are you with me?" Gary, uninterested, "Whatever...", then ginning with his appealing face, "Dude Nao's English is good." He patted me on the shoulder with his arm, I felt as if there was a bit shock of electricity. In the middle of the first session, the headteacher entered into the classroom. He saw my vacant seat and asked where I was. My ex-desk told him. Our teacher looked at me, silenced and walked around in the classroom again as if nothing happened. I was in ecstasy, I made it! Chapter 6 That time, of all the different stages of study, people would say they spend most of their time with their high school classmates. We barely had holidays, weekends, etc. We have self-study in the evening till around 9:00 pm or even later, in hope of going to a good university after the three years' painstaking experience. Gary was always the student who fooled around, but it was really surprising that he performed fairly well in the subjects of liberal arts but not science. He smoked during the breaks with his mates, most of whom were really noisy during class, or active, if in an approving way. My memories of many things are always fragmental, so please forgive me if I did not tell the stories with logic. Gary always asked me the English words that he didn't know when he was doing reading exercises, while Yule did the same. However, sometimes, Yule complained that I was reluctant to answer him but happy to tell everything to Gary. Indeed, I had that kind of psychology that I preferred Gary and I felt guilty, but that was the weirdest thing: you might know what is properly right or wrong, but you never follow what the norms requires you to do. Lack of discipline or belief? Gary and I picked up some habits from each other. At that time, I had the bad habit of pulling the booger with my fingers/ picking my nose. Gary caught me a few times, saying that I was disgusting. But he did the same eventually. He blew his nose in the classroom, it was so obvious when the noise broke the quietness of the classroom during self-study. I never had had the nerve of doing that kind of things because I was so shy and hate being laughed by my classmates. A good example once was made by Gary, as nobody cared. In the end, we found each other doing things that we were shocked at. Lunatic, playful as Gary always was. One evening, for some absurd reason that I cannot remember very well, he asked me if I had seen pubic hair. Silence and contempt, at least, I pretended to act with; he put his hands under his trousers and managed to pull some hair and placed on the desk! I was so amused, till now, I still cannot understand why he did that, because I never conceived him as gay, or even if so, he could never be interested in an uncomely boy like me. Gary had so many friends, and I tended to find that he knew one of my classmates, Kevin, in primary school because they were classmates in middle school. Kevin invited Gary to smoke or fooled around, of which I did never find the truth. When Gary came back to the classroom, he began to call me "Big Mouth Dude", which was called by my primary school classmates due to my thick lips. He told me that Kevin called him "Big Cock Dude" and me "Big Mouth Dude", and that "Big Mouth Dude should give blowjobs to Big Cock Dude". I was so ashamed when I heard that because my education pushed me into the thinking that it was such a nasty talk." Obviously, again, Gary was just joking; he never meant to do that; he said that simply for fun. I was, somehow, having the illusion of that dirty scene that I dragged his jacket one day and said, "Ok, let's go to the toilet!" after he repeated the joking talked a few times. He seemed a bit embarrassed and refused. He felt ashamed that he never mentioned that kind of dirty joke again. Stronger boys always bully the weaker ones, unfortunately Gary was bigger and stronger than me but that might be the reason why many girls and me liked his very much. He was a standard young man, to perfection. I might say some offended words to him or have disagreements. For example, I was too busy to answer him when he treated me as an English dictionary. At times, he stuck his hand to my crutch swiftly and pulled it as a threat. Most of the times, I had to make concessions. Gary asked our physics teacher if I look liked a girl during the class, but the teacher said to him, "I think you look like a girl more because you of your eyes and face." After a semester, we were allocated into different classes. Gary always greeted with me when he saw me, we chatted on QQ sometimes. But it is true that I always overthink this experience; Gary treated me as a friend, to some degree, and a laughing stock to some other. I was always excited to get his messages or replies. I was always ready to offer some help though he might not appreciate it. I posted something related to our experience on QQ that Yule asked me if I had fallen in love with Gary. After Gaokao (college entrance examination in China), Gary failed to be admitted to some universities that he wanted to go and he said he would study abroad if necessary. I even said I wanted to go with him, but he refused and insisted that I should go to the university that I was admitted to. My dad was pissed off by the both the university and major I chose but I left his phone number for notice at that time. We had no access to Internet in our house and it was Gary who helped me to get the notice that I was admitted to JCI. I always got a mixed feeling towards Gary, he was so lovely and kind in one way, but naughty, playful and sometimes careless in another. But I think I liked him though he might have found it but pretend that he never noticed. I wish more intimacy with Gary, but it was always a fantasy and my social norms stop me from further thinking. Chapter 7 Flashback: My First Lesson of Sex Education We never had a proper lesson of fine arts in the countryside when I was in primary school. We might see music class and art class in the schedule in front of the classroom, but it was only for those who inspected the teaching contents at this school. However, the purchase of art books was still necessary. We always complained that it was a waste of money. In grade Four, in winter, mom took me her friend's house in the village for a visit. Here in the neighborhood, everyone knows each other. Mom talked to her friend, Wang Huan's mom, in one room, and I spent my evening with Wang Huan, the boy in this house in another room, which was a kitchen's distance away from the other. Wang Huan was in Grade Six, for me, he was a big boy, good looking. There were some books scattered in the room. As it was my habit, I picked up the artbook, for it was full of wonderful images. I was amazed to see the Greek or Latin sculptures, with their muscles perfectly displayed, sometimes even with a bit of their genitals. Long time ago, I checked the picture of "David" in one of my books. Boys in my class was laughing that how absurd it was to have someone's naked body there, saying it would never happen to females. I reviewed that page over and over again, it was really a fantasy for me to have a touch of David. I got up my nerve to talk to Wang Huan, "Wow, it is really surprising that we can see sculptures like that in our textbooks." "It is normal. These pictures are not the showiest ones. It is common to see those sculptures of naked bodies in Europe. People there are really open-minded." "Oh, wow, really? That is amazing." I seemed excited, with a bit look of expecting more. "Well...you know how people make babies, right? Oh no, I shouldn't have talk about that...maybe you are too young for this." A sense of regret came across him. "No, come on, please! I know how it works!" saying that, I put my left index in the circle formed by my right hand, because I had seen how dogs mated as they did it everywhere. "Ok, which grade are you in?" "Grade Four" I answered. "Alright, I think you are old enough for that. Every baby grew from an embryo, and an embryo is a combination of a sperm from the male and an egg from the female..." Wang Huan was like an expert for me, he continued, "there was a ballad..." It was really complicated that I can't well remember, but there was a line that I can recall, "only monks come to wash their heads". Monk here refers to the front part of penis, and the place for it to wash "heads" is females' vagina. He even bragged about his experience that rarely happened in other's life, "one day, in the field, I was with my mates. We heard the moan of a man and a woman not afar. There was a small three-wheel truck with a roof behind. We were shocked to see they were having sex!" "Oh wow, incredible!" I exclaimed, in hope I had been there with them to be a witness too. How did they react?" "They just hurried us away and put on their clothes as soon as possible." We almost spent the whole evening talking about sex...that was my first sex education. I was so devoted, but my mom told me it was time for us to go home. I said goodbye to Wang Huan, wishing to see him again soon. He was my sex teacher and my small hero as I still remember he protected me from being bullied by his classmate. But I never protected him: I saw his head bleeding in the playground at school, but I said nothing and ran away. I am still guilty for that. I never got a chance to have sex education from my parents, but later I got the chance when I was in Grade 8 from biology class. Nevertheless, my biology teacher mentioned it briefly and she was really shy that eventually she decided to move on to the next chapter after a brief introduction, saying that we wouldn't have that asked in the final exam paper. Wang Huan gave me the first and most impressive sex education, and I was lucky in a way, to be taught by a handsome boy like him. Chapter 8 Flashback: High School: Download Pornographs from semi-smart phone Men, all my mind was full of men at high school's age. Was it possible to have some romance there at that time with my unconscious sexuality? It is, it should be, in the virtual world. I was lucky enough to shuttle between home and school, even luckier that I got a bedroom of my own at home. Every time when I returned home, there would be some food on the table left by mom, and I could always hear dad's snores in from their bedroom. Mom might have a brief conversation with me, telling me where the fruit was placed. It was around 10:00 pm every time, or even later. On the fridge, a small bright spot shining there, it was my dad's phone being charged. I was always happy to see it was there. I hurried to finish my late dinner and clean the table. I might do some homework, but distracted by the thoughts of browsing the Internet by his phone. That time, it was my only access to the Internet. Though we had a heavy-headed, old fashioned computer in my bedroom, my dad always said it would be harmful if I were addicted to it, or it might be a good sum to afford. I hurried everything before unplugging his phone. That might be the reason why I dropped from a top student at middle school to an average at high school. With ecstasy, I took the semi-smart phone stealthily, in least to be caught or wake them up. I lay on my stomach in bed, as it was a relief of a tiresome day of school. For some, it might be a cigarette in the washroom or novels at bedtime. Baidu, the Chinese google, had many things beyond our imagination. There is a column called Baidu Picture, where people put key words and find the content they look for. Key words were like: male body, male model, naked male, naked male body, making love, male male, etc. It was really a visual feast for me. I tried to download them and save them in my old computer and tired to put them in a secret place in the computer memory. I was so attracted to the naked European men somehow, and till now, it was hard for me to explain why. Yes, some of them have big cocks, some are blonde have blue eyes, some have a nice body. There could be the reasons, I am not sure. I always talk to myself, how lucky I would be if I got a chance to sleep with one of those men. These pictures or phones were a really treasure for me, I checked them from time to time, especially when I was alone at home. I even tried to kiss the screen, later, that was a Chinese pop word, "screen-licking" ("屏). I guess that was what I did. Sometimes, I even browsed my "men" till or after midnight, that my mom found the light in my room still on and demanded me to go to bed quickly. I tiptoed to the fridge, recharging the phone, as if nothing happened...