To Win, Part XVII
"Josh's Past Comes Back"
By Joey E
Hello and welcome to the seventeenth installment of "Losing To Win", a gay erotic series about high school students learning about life and love. If this isn't your style, close the window. If you are under 18 (or 21 in some areas), close the window as well.
Thanks to all whom have responded to me about this series. Though the latest chapter was not generally received well at all, I decided to stick with it rather than doing it over again. But, nevertheless, I do read and try to respond to all the comments. Please keep the coming as I take this story into a series of twists and turns. Copyright 2004. All Rights Reserved. No unauthorized reproduction of this story in any form is allowed without consent from the author. Thanks.
"Well, bro, I gotta take Tim back to pick up his car," he said, standing in my bedroom doorway.
"Oh, okay. You coming back?" I asked, getting up from my bed.
"Yeah, I'll be back in about a half an hour. I want to talk to you when I get back."
I nodded my head yes. Shit, now he was going to preach to me. I could tell. I don't know what possessed me to do what I did this morning. It was now about 11AM. I got up and went downstairs after they left only to hear a knock at the door.
"Yo, Joe!" I said, opening the door to let him in.
"Hey, dude, what's up?" he asked.
"Come on in. Let me get you the money for doin' my papers this morning. Thanks again."
Joe was my substitute carrier every now and then when I needed a break from doing the papers. I was glad that he came over since I needed to talk to someone. And who better than your best buddy.
I ran up to my room, grabbed the cash, and headed back downstairs. In the years that I knew him, I wondered why I never tried to seduce him. He was a cute guy. Asian, short, and cute. I knew he was straight, so I didn't try ever.
"So, how are you and Josh?" he asked.
"Do you have time to hang out for a bit?" I asked.
"Sure," he said.
We both sat down in the living room.
"Josh is fine. We had a great time. We hung out with John and David last night."
"Who's David?" he asked.
"One of John's buds. We went bowling. But that's not what I wanted to tell you."
"Oh god, what did you do now?" he asked, slouching back on the couch.
"You remember me telling you about Tim, the one from Matt's college?"
"Yeah, what about him?"
"Well, he spent the night here and..."
"Oh, no....." he interrupted. "Dude, you did him?"
"He actually gave me a blow job. But I think I provoked him. I didn't do anything back."
"Dude, what's your problem? Didn't you do something like this when you were with Jill?"
"Yeah, come to think of it, I did," I said, chuckling. "Shit, man, I wasn't thinking back then, and I wasn't thinking this morning."
"Yeah, same ol' Steve. Well, what are you going to do?"
"I don't know man. I don't want to lie to Josh. I just have to control myself. I don't want him to know either though. I don't know."
"You meet this perfect guy, dude, and then you fuckin' do this shit?" he asked.
"Yeah, I know. If I tell Josh, he'll be devastated. You know that."
"Or he'll just dump your cheatin' ass...."
"Yeah, that too," I said, looking down at the rug on the floor.
"Dude, you're fucked up."
Just then, my bro came back inside.
"Hey, Joe, how's it going?" he asked, walking in.
Joe got up and they shook hands. "Not bad, man. Nice to see you again."
"Hey, I'm glad you're here now," Matt said, sitting down next to me. "Maybe you can help me talk some sense into this boy."
"Oh, you know too?" he asked.
"Yeah, I caught them. If I hadn't, I don't think Steve would've ever told anyone. If I were Josh, I would dump your sorry gay ass."
That didn't sit well with me at all. "Fuck you," I snarled.
"You hooked up with him once, Steve. Why the hell would you do this when you have Josh?"
"All right, both of you. Enough. Yes I do regret now what I did. I don't know what came over me."
"Bud, stop making excuses. You did what you did because you can't keep your dick in your pants. Now are you gonna tell him or not?"
"I don't know."
"Well, if I know you, you won't," Joe said. "But then guilt will set in and you will be miserable. He can practically already read your mind, dude. He'll figure it out sooner or later."
"You were never a good liar, Stevie," Matt said.
"Well, would you tell him?"
"What's done is done. You know what you did was wrong. Just think about it the next time a guy waves his dick at you," Matt said.
I had to laugh. Hearing my big bro say that to me just struck me funny. "I know, man. And you're right, Joe. It will eat me up inside. But, I don't want to lose Josh's trust. I don't want to lose him period."
"You should've thought about that before," Matt said. "But, do what you think is best. But if you decide to hide it from him, make sure you're able to do it."
"All right, both of you guys. You're really telling me you never cheated on someone?"
"Nope," Joe said. "But then again, I've never had the situation presented to me."
"Once, when I was drunk at a party, a chick was throwing herself at me. What was I supposed to do?"
"Did you tell your girlfriend?"
"No," Matt answered. "But it ate me up inside for a while. Listen bro, Josh is too nice of a guy to do that to. Think about that the next time you think about cheating on him. If I know you, you'll break down and you will tell him."
"Well, I just would like to leave it alone. What happened, happened. There is no way to change it now," I said. "How the hell did Tim spend the night here in the first place?"
"I told you bud. He was on the bride's side of the wedding. We ran into each other and got drunk together. I told him he could crash at our place after he was too drunk to drive home."
"It almost seems that you wanted me to sleep with him," I said. "Why did you have to put him in my room anyway?"
"I didn't. That's just where he ended up. I told him where my room was, but somehow, he ended up in yours."
"Oh," I said. "Well, thanks."
"Well, I gotta get going," Joe said, getting up.
"Yeah, I got some shit to do," he said.
"Well, thanks again for this morning," I said.
After Joe left, it was just Matt and I. As always, he looked good. Casually dressed in a pair of sweats and t-shirt, the tightness of both left little to the imagination of what he was packing underneath. He casually adjusted himself, again!
"So, Matt, I finally fucked my first bud," I said out of the blue.
"Aw, buddy, I really don't need to know about that."
"Come on, man, we used to talk about this shit," I said.
"That was when you were bangin' chicks, bro."
"How is this different? I'm still bangin' someone!" I protested.
"True, but it's still a little weird for me."
"Well, just let me tell you it felt great."
Matt got a smirk over his face then. "So, did he do you yet?"
That took me by surprise.
"What? It's a simple question."
"Uh yeah, he did. You should try it sometime. Feels like nothing else in the world, bro," I said, regaining my confidence.
"Uh, no thanks."
"Well, don't rule it out, man. It's too good to rule out," I said.
"Whatever floats your boat man. But I personally don't want anything stuck up my ass."
My bro and I ran out to the mall to get some things he needed. I picked up a few shirts while I was there. We ate out and then came back home. He left shortly after that to go back to school. As soon as my bro was out the door, the phone rang. It was my buddy, John.
"Hey, man. How's it going?"
"Can't complain. Just got in from shopping with my bro."
"Oh, well, if you're busy then, I'll let you..."
"No, man, it's cool, he just left. What's up?"
"Just wanted to thank you for a fucked up evening, bud," he said, laughing.
"Yeah, it certainly was."
"You wanna do it again?" he asked.
"Minus what happened after we came back?"
"Well, yeah, David and I talked about that. Hey, you mind if I come over? I'd really like to talk to you about this whole thing. Now that we both know. You know what I mean?"
It was true. I was curious about a lot of things about John. What was the harm?
"Sure, man. Josh and I probably will get together later, but now's a good time."
John came over in less than ten and I let him inside. We headed downstairs to the basement, starting a game of pool.
"So, John, did you mean what you said last night? I mean, about you being attracted to me?"
"Sure, I did," John said, looking straight at me. "I just didn't think I had a chance. And besides, I was with David. But, yeah, you're one hot stud, bud."
"Well, you were good at hidin' it man. I never knew you and David were fooling around. I knew that you guys were close, but it never occurred to me."
"Well, that's good, Steve. Means I probably fooled everyone."
"When did you first realize you liked guys?" I asked, taking my shot.
"Back in like second grade. It didn't make sense to me back then, but I knew I was at least fascinated by good looking guys. I couldn't understand why, but I just knew it. How about you?"
"Not until Josh walked into my life. Oh sure, I checked out dudes before, but it never occurred to me that I really was doing. Josh was the turning point. I couldn't help falling for him. And it turns out I was watching him from the moment he first stepped into school."
"Wow. I mean, weren't you at least aroused a bit when you saw a guy naked?"
"Well, sort of. I just passed it off as curiosity. One thing I do know that now makes sense. I never enjoyed lesbian porn..."
"Yeah, because there wasn't any dick," John exclaimed, laughing.
I blushed. "Yeah, well, buddy..."
"Hey, Edison, it's cool, man. So, what did Josh think about last night?"
"Yeah how about that? I think he was cool with it. I was a little uncomfortable..."
"Well, it certainly didn't look like it to me," John said, with a grin.
I laughed. "It was hot, bud. I was surprised at how Josh handled it."
"Yeah, David really liked Josh."
"I could tell. Hey, buddy, how do you do it? How do you hide it?"
"It's something we've always done. I don't know exactly how, but we manage. We just have an agreement that it's our business and no one else's."
"But don't you get the urge to tell the world he's yours?" I asked.
"Yeah, sure, it's natural to feel that way. But we have support from both our families. It is hard at times, but we manage. I think that's the reason why we are able to survive like this. Our families are cool with it."
"Ah, yeah, I can see why that would help. I just came out to my parents," I said, smiling.
"Yesterday," I said.
Meanwhile, over at Josh's house....
"Hi Josh. It's been a long time"
Josh just looked at the guy in front of him on the other side of the screen door. He couldn't believe his eyes. A guy who was about 19 by now, 5' 10", 160lbs, real cute baby face with blonde wavy hair and blue eyes.
"Are you gonna let me in?" he asked, with a grin.
"Uh, sure, dude," Josh said, opening the door.
"Chris, what the fuck are you doing here? How the hell did you find me?"
"Well, it's nice to see you too, man," the guy named Chris said.
"I'm sorry, I'm just surprised."
"You're not happy I came by?" he asked.
"Come here, Chris," Josh said with open arms.
The two boys embraced tightly.
"I've missed you, man," Chris said, softly.
"I've missed you, too," Josh said. They looked in each other's eyes and drew forward for a kiss. They kissed passionately and frantically. Josh abruptly broke the kiss.
"Dude, I have a boyfriend now," Josh said.
"You do?" Chris asked, softly.
"Yeah, I do," Josh said, sadly. "But I've missed you so much Chris. When we moved, and I didn't hear from you, I thought you didn't care about me, man. I tried to write to you."
"I know, man. I'm sorry. I found that out yesterday. My aunt finally told me that you had written to me, but my dad intercepted each and every one."
"When I didn't hear from you, I just gave up, man. What was it? Three years ago?"
"Yep. I'm in college now, hun. I graduated last year. But, Josh, can you forgive me?"
"For shunning you out. When we were caught, I panicked. I let you down, Josh. I couldn't do anything else. When I heard that your parents split up because of what happened, I felt so bad, man. I didn't know what to do. I'm sorry. I hope you can forgive me someday."
Suddenly, the old memories came flashing back to Josh. It was very painful and very hard. Josh's face turned red. Now he remembered why he hated this man who stood before him. He outed him. He was the cause of his problems. He was the reason why his parents broke up. He was the reason why they had to move.
"Do you realize what shit I went through?" Josh asked with tears in his eyes.
"Not even half of it," Chris said, blinking back his tears as well. "I couldn't believe I did that to such a great guy like you, man. That's why I am here today. I want to say I'm sorry. I didn't know what I was doing. I hope that someday, you will forgive me."
Josh was torn between throwing him out or wanting to make passionate love like they did so many times before. Then he remembered what Steve had told him once.
"Chris, I'm so tempted to say something my friend told me. You fucked me over, big time. I can't find it in my heart to hate you. I was so in love with you, man. I cried so many times over you. You crushed me when you outed me. You made my life a living hell. You did it. No one else did it. You did it. All because you were fuckin' too ashamed to admit it yourself. You know what? Get out of here."
"Aw, dude, come on....I drove three hours to see you. I had to see you. I wanted to apologize to you. I lost a lot of hours of sleep too. I cried too. I made my life a living hell too. I was too young, man. I'm smarter now. Do you realize what happened to me after you left?"
"No, I hadn't heard," Josh said, still standing his ground.
"My Dad threw me out after he found some gay porn magazines in my room. Put that together with the rumors about you and I, and he went crazy. He didn't even give me a chance to explain. I lost all my friends, I lost you, I lost my home, and I almost killed myself. I realize now that I did the worst thing I could do to you. I've been giving it a lot of thought lately, since I came out to myself. I know what I did was wrong. You have every right to hate me. In fact, I was expecting you to react to me like this. I just wanted to tell you how sorry I am that I fucked up your life the way I did. Believe me, I paid for it in my own way too."
Josh took a deep breath. He let his eyes gaze over this beautiful man who once claimed to be his boyfriend, who would be there for him the rest of his life. The one who meant so much to him four years ago.
"You look good," Josh said, softly.
"Thanks," Chris said, nervously smiling. "You look hot, Josh.
He wrapped his arms around Josh and hugged him tight. Josh reluctantly wrapped his arms around Chris too.
"Mmm...you feel good," Chris said. "I've missed you so much."
Josh looked into Chris' eyes. The eyes he could got lost in forever before. He melted away and their lips met once again.
Josh broke away again and said, "You know, I have a boyfriend who could kick your ass."
"Yeah, and we shouldn't be doing this right now."
Chris looked disappointed but said, "I understand, bro. You're still the hottest guy I know. I figured you'd find yourself a guy eventually."
"I never thought you would come back. I tried to hate you many times. I don't know, I guess I'm a pushover. But, I couldn't hate you, Chris. I never could hate you. I still care about you. I was wondering where you were, what happened after I left, but I didn't dare call you."
"Probably a good thing you didn't," Chris said with a sigh. "So do you want me to leave?"
"Nah, you just drove three hours to come find me. Come on, Chris, sit down. I'm sure we have a lot to talk about."
Josh closed the front door and they went into the living room. Chris waited for Josh to sit down and then sat down next to him. Not a moment later, the back door opened up and in came his mom.
"Josh, I'm home!"
"Oh shit," Josh said, under his breath.
"Oh shit!" Chris said as well.
"Josh?" his mom called out, walking into the living room.
"Hi mom," Josh said, softly, not looking up at her.
"Josh....Chris....what is he doing here?"
"Hi, Mrs. O'Hara."
"Josh, in the kitchen, now!" she said, turning on her heel and walking out to the kitchen.
"I'll be right back," Josh said as he got up.
"What the hell is that boy doing in my house?" she asked through her teeth.
"Mom, he came by to find me. He drove three hours just to find me. The least I can do is let him talk to me for a little."
"After what he did to you? I don't want him here!"
"Mom, please. His dad kicked him out of his house. Please, I just want to talk to him. Let me talk to him."
His Mom let out a sigh. "All right, honey. But that doesn't mean I have to talk to him."
"Yes, I know. Just let us be, Mom. I'll be all right. I can handle him."
"Take him to your room, Josh. I don't even want to see his face right now."
"All right, Mom," Josh said and walked back to the living room.
Chris was still there, looking frightened. "Come on, Chris, let's go to my room."
"You sure it's okay?" Chris asked, looking like he could runaway at any moment.
"Sure, dude, come on."
They went upstairs to Josh's room and Josh closed the door behind him. Chris sat down on the bed, while Josh remained standing. Chris looked up at Josh with tears in his eyes. Josh looked down at Chris.
"I'm sorry, Josh," he said, sobbing now. "I'm so sorry, baby. I didn't mean to do this. I never meant to hurt you like I did."
Josh immediately started to tear up when he saw the first love of his life break down in front of him. He sat down on the bed next to Chris. He wrapped his arms around Chris as the grief racked through Chris' whole body. Chris was now deeply sobbing, letting out the anger and frustration that was held deep inside his heart for so long.
"It's okay, Chris. It's okay," Josh whispered softly as he held him. "Just let it out, baby. I'm here for you now."
Josh knew by now that Chris was being totally honest. He could tell that Chris went through a lot from the moment he stepped into the house. Chris had lost his spark that he once had just as Josh did. He felt nothing but compassion for this guy who made his life a living hell. Because he knew that he also had made his own life a living hell as well. It was not long before Josh broke into tears as well.
"I'm sorry," Chris kept repeating through his tears. Finally, the tears stopped as Chris tried to gather himself again.
"I guess your mom hates me," he said, smiling through his tears.
"Pretty much," Josh said, grinning through his.
Chris wiped his nose with his shirt and looked at Josh. "Dude, I have missed you so much."
"I know, man, I know."
"Well, I just wanted to come back to you and tell you how sorry I am, Josh. I couldn't live another day without telling you that. I guess I better go," Chris said, getting up.
"No, don't go, Chris. We can go out and get something to eat, if you want. Hang out, catch up. Please, don't go yet," Josh said, getting up as well. "I want to hear about what you've been up to these past three years."
"Yes, Chris, I'm sure. Let's go out to eat," Josh said, grabbing Chris by the hand. It felt so comfortable and familiar, but yet foreign too. They both walked downstairs.
"Mom, we're going out to get something to eat."
"Josh, hold on," Josh's mom said with that tone of voice. She entered the hallway where the boys were. She looked straight at Chris. Chris turned away.
"When are you going to be back?" she asked Josh.
"In an hour or so."
"Will he be coming back too?"
"Probably. Please Mom. We'll talk later okay?"
"Okay," his Mom answered. "I want to talk to Chris myself too."
Oh shit, thought Josh.
They hopped into Chris' car after that awkward conversation with Josh's Mom and sped off.
"Actually, I'd rather go to the park so we can just talk without anyone hearing us," Josh said.
"Sounds good to me."
Nothing else was said on the ride to the park which was only a few minutes away. They got out of the car and started to walk.
"Sorry, Chris. Mom is very protective of me now."
"I understand. She hates me, I know."
"Yeah, she does. But I'm sure once I tell her what you've been through, she may think differently."
"I always admired your mom, dude. She was always so supportive of you."
"So, what happened after I moved Chris?"
"Well, nothing happened after I outted you at first. You know it was just my Dad living with me. He found some porn I had under my bed and threw me out. He didn't exactly throw me out, but he told me to find somewhere else to live. I didn't know what to do. I wasn't out to anyone. I was sixteen dude!"
"Luckily, my Dad had enough class to not tell anyone why I was thrown out, or at least the real reason. But, he shipped me off to live with my aunt and uncle in Connecticut. I had no friends, I was miserable, I felt like killing myself. It turned out though to be the best thing for me. It was my mom's brother who was my uncle. I didn't come out to them until later. But to make a long story short, they took me in, were very accepting of what I was, and helped me get into college. I'm better off now than I was with my dad. And yet, I feel like shit because of what I did to you. I couldn't live another day without finding you and just telling you how sorry I am. I was so young then. I didn't know what I was doing."
"I know, dude. I understand."
"And then I heard the your parents split up because of all of this shit, and then I felt really bad. I started doing drugs and drinking and shit. I didn't give a damn about anything. But my aunt got on my case. She read me the riot act. But I think one of the reason why I got my act together was to find you. I had to find you, Josh. It wasn't a desire. It was a necessity. I love you, man," he said softly.
Josh was at a loss for words. All these years he thought that Chris didn't give a shit about him. All these years he thought the promises that were made didn't mean a thing. All these years of hell. Maybe it was for the better.
"Chris, I have a boyfriend now," Josh said. "What do you want from me?"
"Your forgiveness. That's all I need. I just want you to know what happened. That all the things I said to you were true when we were together. That I didn't just walk out on you."
"But you did."
Chris sighed. "Yes I did. But I've changed, Josh. Please. Say you at least understand."
"I understand, Chris. I understand. And yes, I do forgive you. It wouldn't have been any different if it was you or anyone else. My dad would've eventually found out, and it would've ended the way it did. Maybe not exactly the same way, but similar."
Chris let out a sigh of relief. "Thanks, baby. Oh, god, I've missed you so much Josh."
"I know, man. I've missed you too. We grew up together. Not only did I lose my boyfriend, but I lost my best friend too."
"Me too, Josh."
There was a pause in conversation. Chris just looked at Josh. He broke into a grin.
"So, tell me, what's your boyfriend like?"
"What's he like?"
"Uh, well, he's big and tall, handsome and strong, and a wonderful guy, man."
"Ah, that's cool. He treat you well?"
"Yes he does," Josh said, feeling all warm inside.
"He treat you like I did?"
Chris let out a sigh. "I haven't had a boyfriend since you, Josh. I've been looking for someone like you, but there just isn't anyone out there."
"I know, I'm one in a million," Josh joked.
"Josh, I know this isn't the proper time to say this, but you're still the hottest dude I ever laid my eyes on."
It was Josh's turn to sigh. "Don't say that."
"Well, it's true. I know I've lost my chance, Josh. I knew I blew it back then. I will never get over you, no matter what happens."
"Chris," Josh said, walking away. "Don't say that. You'll find someone. I know you will. You're hot as shit, and you know that. I don't want to be put in a position where I know I'll be if you continue. You can't just come back into my life and do that to me. I forgive you. That's it. Now, you can go on with your life and I can go on with mine."
Josh was beginning to feel uncomfortable in this situation. He knew he had to brush off Chris without hurting him. But he also knew that would be next to impossible. It was true, Josh had moved on. Chris apparently had not.
"I think we should be getting back, Chris."
Chris looked at Josh and knew he was serious. He sighed and they both headed back to the car. They hardly said a word to each other on the ride back.
"Well, I guess this is it," Chris said when he pulled up to Josh's house.
"Yeah, I guess it is." Josh said.
"Do you at least want my phone number?" Chris asked.
Josh smiled and said, "Sure, man."
Chris took out a pad of paper and a pen from the glovebox and wrote down his number.
"Here, don't ever hesitate to call me, man. I am always here for you."
"Okay," Josh said, opening the car door. He took the piece of paper from Chris' hand. Chris grabbed his hand.
"Josh, I do love you, you know that."
Josh leaned over and gave Chris a kiss on the cheek.
"Be good," he said, softly as he touched his hand to Chris' face.
Josh got out of the car and practically ran back to the house, never looking back. Finally, he had closure.
Meanwhile, back at Steve's house....
"Did you ever cheat on David?" I asked.
"No, never. Why?"
"I cheated on Josh," I said, softly, looking down at the rug.
"Bud, come on, why?"
"I don't know why, buddy. It just happened this morning with my bro's bud Tim. I didn't do anything back. He wanted to suck it, so I let him."
"Shit, Steve. Way to fuck up!"
"I know, man. I have to have more control. I can't do that to Josh."
"You gonna tell him?" John asked.
I let out a sigh. "I don't know, buddy."
"You gotta tell him," John said with an edge.
"And take the risk of losing him?"
"You already took that risk this morning. Put it this way. If Josh cheated on you, wouldn't you want to know about it?"
"Well of course, buddy!"
"Shouldn't Josh feel the same way?"
"But if I tell him, I'll lose him!"
"So, shouldn't that be his right?"
"Oh fuck, you're just as bad as my bro, bud!"
"Apparently, your bro and I have morals!" said John, getting a little annoyed.
"Shut up!" I said, getting pissed off.
"You have no one to be pissed off at except yourself," John said, getting up. He started to walk to the stairs.
"Where are you going?" I asked.
"I'm leaving before I punch you out, buddy," John said. He walked up the stairs and left me to wallow in my own mess.
Talk about drama, drama, drama! I hope I didn't go over the top. This series is in trouble as far as the happy young couple is concerned. If you have any suggestions on how to mend all of this shit together, I'd be happy to hear from you. Maybe I'll use it. Because I sure as hell don't know how I'm going to solve this one. Send all comments to NEPhillyBoy76@aol.com Thanks!