To Win XX
By Joey E
Well, I've been sitting on this part for long enough. Here is the twentieth installment of "Losing To Win", a story about gay high school students learning about life and love. If this isn't your scene, you can always close the window. If you are under 18 (or 21 in some areas), then I strongly suggest you do close the window.
Thanks to all whom have responded. I must say the response to this story has been very encouraging. I know some readers do not like the direction this story has gone, but I thank you for all the comments either way. And now, the story...
I left school and drove home. Surprisingly, Dad's car was parked out side. What the hell is he doing home so early?" I went inside and found my Dad in the family room.
"Hey, buddy," he said. "How was your day today?"
"It sucked. But what else is new?" I said, not interested in talking to him. I still felt a little funny around my Dad since he found out. I think he did too, but we never said anything about it.
"Stevie, your Mother told me the news," he said, softly. "I'm sorry to hear that."
Great, now my Dad was trying to talk to me in a subject he knew little about.
"You okay, son?" he asked.
"No," I said, looking at my feet. "But I'll survive."
"Listen, I know I'm not going to be good at it, but I'm here if you need me. You know that."
"Yeah, Dad. I can work it out myself though."
"Okay, just make sure you don't lose yourself in the process," he said.
The doorbell rang. "I'll get it," my Dad said, getting up.
I heard my Dad's voice and another voice that sounded like my buddy John.
"Stevie, John's here!" my Dad's voice boomed.
"Okay," I said, getting up. John was already inside when I got to the hallway.
"Hey, John," I said, softly. "Wanna go downstairs?"
"Yeah," he said.
We went downstairs to the basement and sat down on the couch.
"Yo, you gotta watch it, buddy. That was a close call today in the weight room!"
"I know. I just lost control. I'm sorry."
"Man, I wanted to kill you today," John said, look straight at me.
"I know. I would've too if I were you," I said. "I just lost it. God, I hate being this worked up over him."
"Well, at least it proves that you feel something for him."
"I'm just sick of feeling this way."
"This something new to you, isn't it, Edison?" he asked, smiling.
"Wanting something you can't have," he said. "You're used to getting what you want usually."
"Hey, that's not fair to say that!"
"But it is! Is it because you can't have him, or is it deeper?"
"Deeper. Way deeper. If it wasn't, I would've moved on by now."
"Well, I just wanted to come by and say that if you ever do that to me again, I will fuckin' clobber you," John said, seriously.
"If I do that again, you have every right to do that," I replied.
We shook hands and smiled at each other.
"Hey, you talk to my little guy still right? Can you give him a message?"
"No, I don't want to be in the middle of this, buddy. Don't even try to get me involved. Look, I'll be there for both of you. But I will not get into transferring messages. It's so middle school-ish."
"Well, true. I have just one thing to ask then. Look after him. Make sure he's all right, okay?"
"I will do my best, Steve. You really do love him, don't you?"
"Yeah I do."
Later that evening, I tried to do my physics homework without my little guy. I actually got through it rather well. Of course, it didn't help my emotions that I could hear his voice inside my head, guiding me through the problems. But it helped me complete the work. I had a big report to do in English, and that took the rest of the night to do. Something I had procrastinated on for the last week. Someday I'll learn. Wiped out from the days events, I went to bed.
The next day, I woke up and found snow on the ground. Being consumed with other thoughts, I had forgotten that there was a chance of a big snow storm headed our way. I put on my clothes and headed out the door to do the papers. There was at least four inches of snow on the ground already and it was still coming down. I wondered if I got up early for nothing. I completed the route, and came back home.
Mom was at the kitchen table, eating breakfast.
"No school?" I asked.
She smiled at me and said, "Nope, you can go back to bed now."
"Good," I said. "I'm going back to sleep."
An hour later, I arose again feeling refreshed. It was still snowing out my window, and I had to admit, it looked beautiful. I turned on the radio to see how the roads were. My Mom and Dad amazingly left for work. I learned that the snow was indeed supposed to stop by noon time, with temperatures fastly rising afterwards. Ooo, I could build a snow fort, I thought to myself. Hmm, parents are out, perfect opportunity to invite....
"Fuck," I said to myself. "You're an asshole, dude, you really are!"
I looked down at my bulge in my shorts and grabbed it. For the first time since this weekend, it got hard instantly. I tore off my shorts and grabbed it. I laid out on my bed, legs spread, and started beating my meat. My left hand was going up and down on my cock as I masturbated. I loved to jack off. What teenage boy doesn't? For some reason, the thoughts of my bro came back to me. I loved jackin' off with him. He was so hot. Though I didn't realize it at the time. I am so stupid. I should've realized I was gay for my hot big bro. I stroked harder and faster as visions of him came flowing through my head As I approached the edge, I backed off as I sometimes did. My bro taught me that.
I was there on my bed, my seven and a half inch cock in my hand. I looked down at my body. I was aroused with what I saw. Smooth pecs, six pack stomach, happy trail leading down to my cock, my big balls....I gently ran my hand over my chest as I felt my pecs.
"Oh yeah," I whispered.
Then suddenly, Josh appeared in my mind. I stopped all motion. I wanted him. I was so freakin' horny. I tried to think of my bro again but didn't work. The moment was lost and little Stevie went limp.
"DAMN!" I yelled out, jumping off the bed. That did it. Now I can't even jerk off without feeling guilty? I needed him back. I could just move on, but I couldn't or didn't want to. I was stuck. I knew I had to clear it up with Josh.
Fortunately, I heard the doorbell ring. I threw some shorts on and ran down the steps. It was probably Joe wanting to hang out, like we usually did on snow days. I opened the door to let him in.
"Well, hello there hot stud," Joe said, as he came in.
"Shut up," I said laughing.
"Well, I came over to hang out if you're not doing anything else."
"Sure, man, just let me hop in the shower."
"Okay," he said, sitting down on the couch and turning on the TV.
We hung out all morning, playing some Playstation. Soon enough, the snow had stopped and it got warmer and it immediately began to melt.
"Come on, dude, let's go out side and build snow forts and snowmen," Joe said, getting up.
I could always count on Joe to bring the inner child out of me again. It was like being with a kid. That's why I loved to hang out with him He had such a sense of innocence to life, though he was much more with it then he let on. He had just this carefree approach to life that made him a fun person. We got dressed up and headed outside.
We built a giant snowman and two little ones by rolling the snow up into a ball. I found it amusing to watch Joe try to push the giant snowball, rolling it as it picked up more snow and weight until he couldn't move it anymore. I assisted him in the end. It all ended up in a big snowball fight.
After spending two hours in the snow, we both were freezing our asses off. Joe went back to his place to change, and I went upstairs in my house to change as well. Not two seconds later, I heard a voice.
"Hello," a voice yelled out.
"Matt, I'm up here!" I yelled. "What are you doing home?"
I heard him running up the steps and he appeared in my doorway. I was just pulling down my soaking boxer briefs when he appeared.
"Well, I forgot my....woah buddy!" he said when he saw me turn around with my cock hanging down.
"Oh, shut up. You've seen this many times before."
"Well, true. I forgot my razor from when I was here this weekend. I also forgot my fuckin' wallet."
"You dumb fuck," I said, laughing.
"Yeah, I know. How are you doing?"
I opened my drawer and pulled out a nice clean pair of boxers.
"I'm okay. I was just out playing in the snow with Joe," I said, putting them on.
My bro laughed. "Still playing in the snow eh?"
"Yeah, bud, some things never change right?"
"True, true. Well, I would've waited to come home tomorrow, but the roads are clear now, and I needed my license and my ATM card."
He sat down on my bed, watching me as I changed. He smiled looking at me.
"Just admiring how much my little bro has developed. Looking like me more everyday, Stevie."
I grinned in spite of myself. I'm pretty sure I blushed too. I loved it when he complemented me like that. It meant the world to me.
"You all right, bro?" he asked, gently.
"Uh, I guess," I answered, knowing where he was going.
"Did you tell him?" he asked.
I grabbed a t-shirt from my closet and threw it on me. I looked at him when my head was through the shirt and shook my head yes.
"Glad to hear it, bud," he said, softly.
"Yeah, well, now he's not talking to me."
"Aw, bro, I'm sorry to hear that. But, you did the right thing, buddy."
"I know. I couldn't keep that from him."
I put on a pair of basketball shorts.
"So, now what?" he asked.
"Don't know," I said, sitting down on the bed next to him. "It's killing me, Matt."
"Well, it's up to him now. Sure, you could do all sorts of things to win him back, but what would be the point? Just give him time, bud. He may come back after all. You never know."
"In the meantime, though, what do I do?"
"Well, you could always try the jealousy angle," he said with an evil grin.
"With who? I don't know any other homos."
"Why not a chick?" my bro asked.
"Are you crazy? Buddy, he blew up at me last night. I went to see him to try to talk to him. He wouldn't talk to me. I don't blame him though. I just wish I could get past this whole thing and pretend it never existed. I didn't think it would be this fuckin' hard. I tried to beat off. I couldn't without thinking of him and that just made me lose interest."
"Well, how about you hang out with me today?"
"Don't you need to go back to school?"
"Buddy, you know I don't have any afternoon classes on Tuesdays."
"Oh, that's right," I said.
"Actually, I didn't leave my wallet here. I did leave my electric razor here though. But I wanted to see how you were doing. I knew you were off from school today. So, I decided I pay you a surprise visit."
I smiled at him. He wrapped his arm around my shoulders. "So, what do you say? We can go back to my place and hang out. Have some beers?"
"That all depends. Is Tim there?"
"I don't know, bud."
"Well, I'm just afraid of what I might do if he is," I said. "He really did mean to sleep in my bed?"
"Yeah, he admitted that to me. I'm sorry about that bro."
"Well, all right, bud. Let's get out of here. I'm sick of my life here."
We got into his car and were on the road in no time. The roads were clear by now and it was smooth sailing. His college was actually south of where we lived and by time we got there, there was less than an inch of snow on the ground. We cruised down the street, crankin' the tunes, joking around, and having a good time.
We walked into his apartment and he went right for the fridge.
"You want some beer or some liquor?"
"Ah, what the fuck? You got any vodka?"
"Sure do, and we have the good stuff too! Some Kettle One!"
"Any vodka will do," I said, sitting down on the couch in the living room.
"Aw, Stevie, you gotta try this stuff straight then."
He brought out two glasses filled with ice and the bottle of Kettle One. He poured us two glasses.
"Here, try this straight."
We both took a sip and I have to admit, it was good shit.
"This shit is good!"
"Fuck yeah, bro. I mean, I like beer. But every now and then, I like the hard stuff."
I felt it warm the inside of me on it's way down. It wasn't harsh like the cheap stuff that I've done shots of before. It was smooth and pretty soon I drank the whole glass.
"Woah, there, slow down bro."
"Oh, fuck, who cares? I needed this!" I said, sipping the rest down to the bottom.
"Well, if that's how you're going to be, then fine...." he said, gulping the rest of his down too.
"Oh, fuck yeah," I said, holding out my glass for a refill.
"All right, but take this one slower," he said, filling it up.
We bullshitted as I felt a GOOD buzz coming over me.
"Where's your roommates?"
"You wanna here a funny story? My roommate, Paul, is actually at home right now. He fell down the stairs two nights ago when I came home and broke his leg."
"Damn, what's so funny about that?" I asked.
"Well, he, uh, was sort of trashed and fell down the steps. It wasn't all that funny really at the time, but we were so bombed we laughed. It wasn't until an hour later, he realized that something was wrong with his leg. I had to drive him to the emergency room."
"Oh shit, is he going to be all right?"
"Yeah, it was just a simple fracture. He should be coming back in a few days."
I finished the second glass of vodka after a while, and so did Matt. There was an awkward silence in the conversation. We locked eyes and kept them locked for what seemed to be an eternity.
"So what have you planned to do?" he asked, finally breaking away from our stare.
Feeling the alcohol take affect, I spilled my guts. "I don't care what the price is, but I'm gonna get him back."
"Even if it means you might have to come out?" he asked.
I hadn't thought about that. I looked at Matt and smiled. "Never thought about that before. But yes. If that what it takes, then yes."
"Well, bro, I don't think you need to totally out yourself. But I think I understand what you're saying."
"Yeah, I'll do anything to get him back, basically. I mean I won't announce it, but I won't care who's around while I'm doing it. God, what am I saying?" I asked.
"You're really in love, bro," he said. "I think maybe it would show him you were serious."
"Yeah, well, again, I may have to lose to win. But at this point, I really don't care. You know it's funny, I asked myself this many times. Why can't I just go back to the way I was? But then I realize, I can't. I don't want to. No matter how hard it is to deal with it."
"Well it's your decision, Stevie. I wish there was some way I could help, but I can't. I can tell you this though. I have your back, whatever you decide to do."
There was an awkward silence again. We just stared at each other. I knew what I wanted to do right then and there. It was the alcohol talking, but damn it, he looked so good."
I broke away from his eyes. "So how about some Madden football?"
"Sounds good to me, bud. The game is in my room."
"Let's go play, man!"
We played two games. The first, we were opposing each other. The second, we played on the same team. It was fun. Sort of like the days when we would play Super Techmo Bowl on Nintendo (eight bit). Took my mind off the present events in my life, which was just what I needed.
After the second game, we came back out to the living room. Both hungry, we scrounged the kitchen for some grub. We both agreed on some frozen pizza. Matt put it in the oven and we both kicked back on in the living room.
"So, you ready for ball to start soon?" he asked.
"Yeah, I can't wait. We start indoor practice in about a week."
"Gonna have your best season?"
"Yep. Hey, aren't you playing this year on the college team?"
"Yes, and I think I have a chance at being a starter this year," he said.
"Great! I'll have to come to one of your games," I said.
We basically bullshitted the rest of the day away. All too soon, he was driving me home. He stayed for dinner and left shortly after. I went upstairs to my room and started thinking about my plan. It started out with writing a note to Josh.
In a time of less than two months, you've become the most important thing in my life. I find it hard to believe, but it's true. I don't want to sound like some whiny bitch, because that's just not my style. But, I feel so empty without you there. You've changed me in a big way. I don't want to go back to the way I was before I started talking to you. I'm sorry for what I did. I wasn't thinking. There is no excuse for that. The best thing I can do is tell you it won't happen again. I can promise you that. I don't care what I have to do, but I am going to do everything I can do to get you back. I can't imagine my life without you, buddy. I need you in my life, more than anyone else in the world. I understand if you don't want anything to do with me right now. I hurt you, real bad. I'm sorry. I wasn't thinking. But, baby, you're my life now. I'm ready to throw everything aside for you. You're the one.
I didn't even think while writing it. It wrote itself down automatically. I thought it was good for the time being. I folded it up and placed it in my backpack, planning to slip it in his locker tomorrow morning. After doing that, I felt somewhat better. I had stated my feelings to him, something he wouldn't let me do in person. Operation Josh had started.
The next morning, I picked up Joe earlier than usual and headed straight to school so I could get to his locker before he did. I slipped it inside, and hoped he would find it. I walked away and waited. I didn't go to my locker yet, since I wanted to do that when everyone else did so I could perhaps see if Josh actually got the note or not.
I walked in again with a group of my friends and headed to my locker. Josh was already at his and in his hands was my note. I saw him reading it as I walked by. I gently tapped him on the shoulder. He turned around to look at me.
"That's just the beginning, bud," I said out loud. "I am going to win you back one way or another."
Josh looked shocked that I would say that in front of other people. But at this point, I didn't care about the other people. As far as I could tell, it was just he and I in that crowded hallway. He looked at me, half-smiled, and turned back around to finish reading. I smiled to myself and headed on my way.
"That took balls," John whispered to me as we were walking.
"You ain't seen nothing yet," I said, smiling.
John smiled at me and said, "Shit. You've finally lost your mind"
"Yeah I have," I said, holding up my hand for a high five.
He slapped it and we both laughed.
The school day went as well as it could have for a school day. We had a pop quiz in US Government, but that didn't phase me at all. Gym was a blast, playing floor hockey. As expected, Josh came in with John to lunch. John sat down first next to Ben this time, and Josh had to sit on the other side, which was of course next to me. I looked over at John and he winked at me. I smiled back. Joe punched me in the side.
"Go get him," he murmured.
"I will," I said. No longer was I sad for some reason. I knew in my heart that I was going to win him back. My confidence was back. Josh looked a little frightened though having to sit next to me.
"Hey bud," I said to him.
He said nothing back to me. Well, that was to be expected. He leaned over and said something to John. For some reason, I had an impulse to squeeze his ass lightly. I reached over discreetly and rested my hand on his hard, tight ass. He jumped up in the air and let out a small yelp. I quickly withdrew my hand as if nothing happened.
"Stop it!" he said, rather loudly.
"What?" I asked, amused.
"Just stop it, okay?" he asked.
"Okay," I said, still smiling.
The rest of the day went by fine. It was a physics day, and Mr. Smith asked me to stay behind after class.
"I think I found another tutor for you, Edison," he said.
"Really who?" I asked.
"Me. Look, I know something went on between you and Josh . But you were doing so well since he started to help you, I can't bare to watch you go downhill again. So, if you agree to meet me twice a week after school, I'll help you."
"That would be great, teach!" I said. "But just so you know, I intend on getting my little guy back eventually."
"Too much, Edison. Would you like to start now?"
"Uh, sure," I said. "Just let me go back to my locker and tell my friends that I won't be driving them home."
I did so and headed back to the classroom. Mr. Smith and I worked for about a half an hour on the new equations he just presented us that I couldn't get. It worked out just fine and I understood when I left. It wasn't the same as Josh, but it still got the job done.
As I sat down to do homework, I thought of other ways to woo Josh back in to my life. I remembered the talks we had while we were together. Though I never saw the point of them, Josh loved flower. I figured why give something that's going to die anyway? But he loved flowers. I called up a local florist and sent him some roses to his house, making sure they'd be delivered while he was home tomorrow. At some point in my thoughts, I realized that I couldn't be too pushy. I knew that I was taking a big chance here. But what other choice did I have?
The next chapter is almost completed. Hope you've enjoyed this chapter of Losing To Win. As always, please send all comments to NEPhillyBoy76@aol.com Thanks!