Losing To Win, XXI
"Losing To Win What?"
By Joey E
Well, here it is. Installment twenty-one of my gay high school series, "Losing To Win". I would like to thank all the readers who have responded about this story like Chuck and Shaun and everyone else. As an author, it's good to know that my efforts are not going to waste. I appreciate it very much.
Now for the legal stuff. This is a work of fiction. Any similarities to real life is strictly coincidental and therefore unintended. Copyright 2005 for all chapters. All rights reserved. No unauthorized reproduction will be permitted unless given permission by the author, Joey E. Under 18 or 21 in some areas? Leave now! Don't like the ideas of gay high school students learning about life and love? Leave as well.
"Damn it," Josh exclaimed as he threw the note Steve wrote on his desk at home later in the evening. He knew he was weakening . Steve, the guy who drove him out of his mind, was still getting to him, despite what he had done. It wasn't fair. How could he go back with him after what he had done? He called up his new pal, John for some advice.
"Josh, bud, is everything all right?" John asked.
"No, I am afraid not. John, what made you take David back?"
"I'm not sure," John answered. "It wasn't easy, but then again, look at what the alternative was. I wasn't out. He was the only guy I ever fooled around with. I could either take him back, or be alone. I didn't want to be alone. You're thinking about taking Steve back?"
"Well, listen, bud, don't make it too easy on him. You don't want to be a pushover either about the whole thing."
"Yeah, I know," Josh said. "I don't want to be alone though."
"No one does. It's just a matter of is it all worth throwing away because of some stupid incident?"
"But what if there is another stupid incident as you called it? My trust in him is gone. And what is a relationship without the trust?"
"I just thank god that you're with me on this, John. I'm afraid of what might have happened if I hadn't met you."
"I know, buddy. I am glad I can be there for you."
"Why don't you break up with David and just go out with me?" Josh asked, laughing.
John laughed as well. "I think that if I broke up with David, he would be the one who was after you."
"Well, to be honest, I'm interested in seeing what Edison is going to next. It's sort of funny seein' my bud go crazy over someone. But it just proves how serious he is about you."
"I know. I'm surprised myself. It would be so easy to just forgive him and move forward. But I can't do that. Something inside me just won't let me do that."
"It takes time, Josh. Give it time. If it was meant to be, it'll play out itself. If it wasn't, then you'll know."
"Well, thanks for letting me vent," Josh said.
"No problem. I'm here for you buddy, anytime."
Josh went to bed shortly after and spent a good hour awake before he finally fell asleep. He couldn't take him back. It would be against all his principles.
The next day, Josh went to school, praying there would be no note in his locker this time. He actually felt the need to avoid Steve in every way possible. He knew that was next to impossible, but he needed his space and time. He somehow made it through lunch, sitting with John between he and Steve. He went home exhausted and sat down on the couch and turned on the TV.
The doorbell rang a short while later and he got up to answer.
"These are for Josh O'Hara," the delivery man said as he handed over a half dozen roses to Josh.
Josh was astounded. He gave the guy a tip and took the flowers inside.
"That son of a bitch!" he muttered as he opened the card to read it.
"Please Forgive Me. I miss you. I love you. Steve," the card read.
"Oh you asshole!" Josh yelled. He threw the flowers down on the table. He picked them back up again and smelled one of the roses. He smiled. Steve actually sent him flowers.
The phone rang in less than ten minutes later.
"Steve..." Josh began to say.
"You get them?" Steve asked.
"You like them?"
"Good. Well, I guess I'll see you around, bud."
"Hey Josh, can we....?"
"What?" Josh asked.
"Can we, uh, hang out sometime?"
"I don't know, Steve. What would be the point?"
"I don't know. I just want to see you."
"Well, you'll see me in school tomorrow."
"Yeah, I guess so. Well, I'll see you around then."
"All right. Later."
Josh hung up the phone. What a fuckin' lunatic! But a cute one at that. He smiled as he once again inhaled the aroma of the roses. Whatever he was doing, it was working. And Josh hated to admit that.
I was relieved that he at least talked to me on the phone when I called about the flowers. I never in my life sent anyone roses before. But then again, I never felt this way about anyone before either. I smiled when I realized, it was slowly working. I immediately got started on my next plan which involved giving him small notes every day in his locker. I wrote one out that simply said..."I was a fuckin' idiot. I really want you back. I love you." It didn't matter what anyone else thought. I had successfully turned all my grief and agony into something positive, at least in my mind. If he shot me down now, I would be devastated. But I wasn't going to be shot down easily. I knew that I had to expect some rejection from him. That wasn't going to bother me.
I delivered it to his locker in the same fashion I did before. I passed him by just as I had done before as well.
I tapped him on the shoulder and said, "Just you and I, Josh."
I left my hand on his shoulder. God he looked so handsome and cute. I felt my hormones kick in and my caution went out the window. I gently leaned over and kissed him quickly on the cheek. It just felt right to do. I didn't care who was around.
"Edison, what the fuck?" I heard a voice behind me say.
Aw, shit, I thought to myself. I turned around and there stood my teammate Ben. As you know, Ben was a homophobic asshole. I was too much in my own thoughts to care.
"What?" I asked, innocently, turning to Josh and winking my eye. Deep within my brain, I knew I was doing something very risky, but I just didn't care anymore.
"You just kissed him on the cheek!"
"So? You slap me on the ass during the games," I said, walking away. I saw John coming towards me.
"I can't believe you just did that!" he said, smiling.
"Neither can I," I said. "I just felt like it!"
"Dude! What's come over you, bud?" John asked.
"I don't know. I just figure, if I lose him, I lose everything. If I lose everything else, but win him, that's better than losing everything. I just know it is Josh I want."
"You gotta be careful!" John warned.
"I know. It wasn't like I was making out with him in the hall!"
"But you're drawing attention to Josh too when you do that shit!"
"As I recall, Josh wanted that attention from me when we were going out. Why the hell do you think I'm doing it?" I asked.
"Be careful, Steve. I've got your back, but be careful."
"I know, John. I know."
We went through the day with no major problems. Lunch was as usual as it has been for the past week. As we were leaving, John came up to me.
"Josh wants to talk to you after school."
"Really?" I asked, smiling.
"Yeah, he said to meet him at his locker," John said. "He's not happy with what you did this morning."
"Aw, shit, all right. But at least he wants to talk to me," I said, trying to look on the bright side.
Surprisingly there was no talk about what happened at Josh's locker this morning. I was relieved at that. I knew that it would have gone mostly unnoticed. But like I said before, I didn't care one way or another. I went to my locker at the end of the day first and then headed over to Josh's. He was there, throwing books back into his locker and closed the door.
"Hey Josh," I said, softly, leaning up against the locker next to him.
He turned to face me and was somewhat startled.
"Oh, hey," he said.
"You wanted to see me? I'll take you home if you want."
"Yeah, okay," he said.
I knew I had to stay within my boundaries. I'll admit, what I did was a little over the top. I didn't lay one finger on him as we walked back to my car. That's not to say I didn't want to though. As soon as we got inside, he spoke.
"Steve...don't ever do that to me again," he said, flatly, but firmly.
"Kiss me like that."
"Oh, okay," I said, not sure I was liking where this was going. "Were you surprised?"
"Yeah, I was," he said, breaking into a smile. "But seriously. Don't do that again."
"Don't do this to yourself! Don't out yourself to the whole school to win me back. It's not worth it! As much as I dislike you right now, I don't want to see you get hurt!"
"Bud, that's my decision. It's my life," I said, starting to get defensive.
"I know it's your life. But how would you like it if I came up to you and kissed you on the cheek in the hallway?"
"Right now, I wouldn't care. It would at least show me that you do care about me."
"You're being stupid, Steve. How can you throw away what you've made for yourself? I'm not going to let you do that."
"Then say you'll go out with me," I said.
"Fuck you!" he yelled. "That ain't fair to say that to me. I don't like being put in a corner and that's what you're doing to me!"
I still thought he was cute when he got mad.
"I'm sorry, Josh. Please, let me take you home at least."
We were silent most of the fifteen minute ride home. I would occasionally look over at him, only to find him looking straight ahead out the windshield. I couldn't stand it any longer when we pulled up to his house. He turned to me to probably say good bye.
"Josh," I said, grabbing the back of his head and pulling him into a kiss. I felt him resist for a few seconds and then he finally gave into me. His lips parted and in flew my tongue. He finally managed to break the kiss.
"Can't you see Josh? You're the one for me. I'm the one for you. You may not realize that yet. But, I am going to do whatever I have to do to get you back. I'm going to prove my love to you once and for all in one way or another. I don't care where, how, or when. But you're the one for me, buddy. I can't think of a life without you, Josh. I don't want to either."
Josh looked at me with sad eyes. "You blew it, Steve. You can't expect me to just forgive you for something like that."
"Don't you love me Josh?"
"I don't know what I feel anymore Steve. You make me weak at the knees every time I see you. You still drive me crazy. But I think you may love me more than I love you. I can't trust you anymore. I think you need time to play the field and figure out what you want..."
"I don't need time to play the field. I know what I want, Josh," I said with tears in my eyes, knowing that this wasn't going well at all.
"Do you really know what you want?"
"Yes. You!" I said, yelling out in pure frustration. I looked over at him and lowered my voice.
"Look Josh, I know I'm wrong in doing this for you. But it's the only way I can show you how much I love you. I can't think of any other way to make it up to you. I've done my best. If you don't like it, you can just say stop and I will. You make me complete, bud. As much as I hate to admit it, you do. I know it's unfair for me to say all of this to you and I know it's unfair to back you into a corner like this. If I have to apologize to you the rest of my life everyday to get you back, I will."
I grabbed his hand and he looked over at me. I saw some sparkle in his eyes as his face revealed a tiny, tiny grin. He took his hand away from mine.
"Listen, I'm not sure of what I want, Steve. I have to sort this out on my own..."
"What is there to sort out, Josh? Can't you see you're the one for me? I'm practically begging you to go out with me again...."
"Yes, but what if you're not the one for me, Steve? What if you find someone cuter than I do in the next month or so? Then what's going to happen?"
The signs of his low self-esteem were surfacing again.
"What? I highly doubt that will ever happen, since you are still the hottest guy I ever laid my eyes on, Josh."
Josh seemed to blush at that comment.
"Will you go out with me to dinner tomorrow evening? Please Josh. Baseball practice starts next week. I won't have many evening free once this starts. Please. We need to talk, bud!"
"I'll give you an answer tomorrow," he said, opening the door. "Later, Steve."
And with that, he got out of my car and headed to his front door. Damn, he still had the hottest ass. I was hard just watching it, and wondering if I was ever going to sink my tongue in that again. I pulled away once he was inside and smiled. Somehow, I think it was working.
The next day, I had nothing special planned for my man. It was Friday now and I was waiting for Josh's answer to our dinner date. It had been a week since all of this shit started. There are times when I wish I could just rewind it and start back over again. But, what was done was done and there was nothing I could do to change it. However,. I could change myself to make sure if never happened again. I made a promise to myself that it wouldn't happen again as long as I was with Josh and I hardly ever break a promise I make to myself.
"So, you think you're making any progress?" Joe asked me on the way to the cafeteria.
"Sure, I do. I told you last night that he's thinking about going to dinner with me tonight. What more can I ask for?"
"Well, just be careful, dude. If you were my boyfriend and you cheated on me, I wouldn't take you back," Joe said, with a grin.
"Oh shut up," I said, punching him in the arm. "I'll bet you just want this hot jock body every night when you whack off."
"Yeah, fuck off," Joe said, laughing. "You ain't all that, Steve."
"What?" I asked, flexing my biceps to him.
Joe pointed and laughed. "Is that all you got, dude? Maybe that's why Josh left you!"
I had to laugh at that comment. From anyone else, it would've deserved a punch in the face. But for Joe, I made allowances. He knew exactly how to deliver a line right at the right moment that while it could be offensive it wasn't. Plus, he knew when to do it and when not to.
"Listen, runt," I said, grinning. "That's enough out of you," I said, grabbing him around his neck and putting him in a hold. His body was pressed up against the front of mine and for some reason, my cock expanded at that moment. I released him immediately, not wanting him to notice my bulge growing up against his back. He looked at me in a weird way, but we just continued walking. My boner, however, didn't go down. I found myself looking at HIS ass.
"Stop looking at my ass," Joe said, turning around.
"Who says I was?"
"I can feel your eyes on it. You know I don't play your game, Steve. You're starting to freak me out..."
"Oh stop, bud. I'm not going to do shit to you, and you know that. But it is cute," I said.
Joe smiled at me. "You know, I never thought I'd hear that from you, but strangely, it's cool. I don't mind. I know you well enough to know that you'd never do anything out of line. Glad you think it is."
Well, that response was totally a surprise. Joe really was cool with it. I just patted him on the head as we entered the cafeteria. We sat down at our table, beating out Josh and John. We took our perspective seats, and Josh finally came over and sat next to John instead of me again. Oh well. So much for progress.
However, Josh did come over to me after lunch as we were walking out of the room.
"So where did you plan to take me?" Josh said, tapping me on the shoulder.
"Hey, Little Guy! So you'll go?" I asked.
"Yeah, I'd like to talk to you."
"Cool. Pick you up at your house at 6?" I asked.
"Sounds good, Steve," he said. He then looked up at me and smiled. "I don't know why I'm doing this, but damn it, you're hard to say no to."
"I know, buddy, I know. I'm just glad you said yes. I'll pick you up at six then?" I asked.
"Yep," he said.
We went on our merry ways and never saw each other again at school that day. I went to lift weights again, this time feeling much better about myself.
"So, what's up?" John asked, as I was resting in between sets.
"He's gonna let me take him out to dinner," I said softly.
"Awesome, bud!" he said. "When?"
"Tonight," I said. "I'll get her back." I was careful with the pronouns again, which was better for all of us.
"Well, good luck with her," John said, taking the hint.
"What?" Jay, another teammate asked. "You gotta hot chick to bang?"
"Yeah, somethin' like that," I said, laughing.
John just rolled his eyes and walked away laughing.
I was done my workout and headed home to get a shower and change. I wanted to look the best I could for this. I even did my hair. I told my parents that I wouldn't be eating with them. Then I left for what could be the most important moment in my life thus far. I was so excited that I got to Josh's ten minutes early. I pulled up in his driveway and got out of the car. I realized then my heart was racing. I took a deep breath and went to his front door.
"Hey bud," I said, when Josh opened up the door.
"Hey, Steve," he said quietly. He opened the door to let me in.
"Sorry I'm a bit early."
"It's cool. Let me just run upstairs and save the report I was working on and then I'll be ready to go."
He ran upstairs and I watched his cute little ass as he ran. Mm...I thought to myself. Fuck, he was a hottie. In less than a minute, he was running back downstairs.
"You ready?" he asked.
"I've been ready for a while now, buddy," I said.
He stopped and looked at me. "Let's not get ahead of ourselves, Steve. I only agreed to have dinner with you."
I looked down at the floor. "I know, Josh." I then looked back up at him.
"Good," he said. "Let's roll."
We hopped into my car and settled on the local diner. Josh was somewhat quiet on the ride there, but I didn't expect him to say much either. Luckily the car ride was only five minutes long and we were inside and seated in no time.
"So, thanks for the flowers," Josh said, sipping on his glass of coke.
"You like them?" I asked, smiling.
"Yeah," he said, blushing.
"I was hoping you would."
"Okay, man, let's get it out," Josh said, looking straight at me. "I cannot even think about eating until we have it out."
"All right," I said, setting down the menu that I was looking at. "But shouldn't we order first?"
"Uh, okay, yeah."
We ordered very quickly and then were back at the same point.
"What's on your mind, bud?" I asked, softly.
Josh took a deep breath and focused on the table.
"I know you want me, Steve. I know more than ever how much I mean to you. You've shown me through ways I never thought you would have the guts to do."
I smiled and thought at least my efforts did not go unnoticed.
"How do I know I can trust you again?"
My smiled disappeared. "I don't know how I can prove that Josh. The fact is I don't think I can right now. It will be something I can prove over time."
"I know, Steve."
"I miss you, Josh. You've become my life without me even knowing it. I don't know how it happened. I know these few days without being with you have been hell for me. I don't want to go back to the way I was. It's not that I couldn't. I just don't want to. You've done more for me than you'll ever realize, bud."
Josh took a deep breath and sighed. He looked up at me and gazed in my eyes. His magnificent blue eyes that seemed to glow. His face turned red as he started to grin.
I knew he was beginning to cave in, and I knew that success was only just around the corner. I grinned back at him. I reached over and grabbed a hold of his hand. He looked at me in surprise when I did it. In fact, he turned his head to see if anyone had noticed before I did.
"Josh, we can make this work again, if you'll just give me a chance, dude! Please."
I let go of his hand just in time before our server came over with our food. We ate in silence for a few minutes before Josh spoke up again.
"I want to believe you, Steve. I'm going to have to believe you if I say yes to you. Oh fuck," he said. "You look at me with those fuckin' gorgeous eyes of yours. You just sit there so fuckin' confident and secure. You sit there looking so fuckin' hot, man," he continued very softly.
Our server just came by and asked if everything was all right. It was then that I made my fatal mistake. I checked out his ass as he walked away from the table. Josh noticed.
"And that is why I cannot give into you. I can't trust you."
"Aw, man..." I exclaimed. "What the hell is wrong with you? We've checked out guys before. It's no big deal."
"It is a big deal when I can't know that I can trust you. Especially if you're trying to win me back. Steve, I wanted to talk to you tonight for a couple of reasons."
I slumped back in my chair and listened.
"Look. I was thinking about taking you back. I honestly was. But then, you go and do that and I'm thinking to myself, why the hell would I want to do that?"
I leaned back up and said, "Josh, please, that shit doesn't mean anything..."
"I don't care. That's not the point."
"What is the point?" I asked, slouching back down again.
"My point is it's over. I realize now why I had these doubts. You're just not ready yet, Steve"
I was in shock. Here I thought I was going to get my little man back, and I get turned down yet again. Tears started to form and I was totally embarrassed.
"Buddy," I said, my voice cracking. "Please..." A tear ran down my cheek as I realized it was definitely over.
Josh looked at me through tears as well. "I'm sorry, Steve. I know I mean a lot to you. I know I still love you, but...."
"There's nothing I can do?" I asked, looking at him square in the eyes.
"Okay," I said, finally surrendering to my little man. "Okay. You win. I give up, buddy. You win."
Josh breathed a sigh of relief. "You okay?"
"Yes, I'm fine," I said.
"S-s-ste-steve..." he stuttered. "I know it will take time. I still want to be friends"
"Yeah, right..." I said, before I could stop myself. I felt some hatred toward Josh at the moment . I knew it couldn't be done. I couldn't quite figure out why he didn't want me. But he said it. And I loved him too much to hurt him again.
We paid the bill and left. I couldn't look at him the whole way home. We rode back in silence. I dropped him off at his house and went back home. It was over. I went home, alone and defeated.
Nice place to leave off, don't you think? More will follow soon. Chapter 22 is almost completed as of this posting. Please do not hesitate to send me some feedback to NEPhillyBoy76@aol.com Thanks!