Lost Angels: Chapter 2
Once outside, little patters of rain could be heard. Boy, was it cold. I started walking, trying my best to ignore the pain which had become all to familiar to me. With every stride I took, pain would shoot all over my body. I licked at my cut lip, and it stung like hell, causing me to squeeze my eyes shut. I kept my head down, just in case anyone saw the damage that had been done. I didn't need some stranger staring at me like I was some sort of freak, even though I was. I just don't need any of this right now. I quickened my pace, and just as I did I heard a crackle of thunder. Then the rain started pouring down in buckets. Blast! I cursed to myself, as the cold got colder. By the time I arrived home, I was soaking wet. I got out of my wet clothes, and wearing only boxers went to sleep. I just needed some rest.
Darkness. I open my eyes, assessing my surroundings, before looking at my alarm clock. 9:30pm.
I struggled to get myself out of bed, as my stomach muscles refused to let me get up. When I tried to turn onto my side to get up, those muscles rebelled against me. With a grunt, I managed to get up but had to sit a minute slouching, just so I would get used to the pain. The world had no appeal to me anymore...it was a cruel world. And no matter how much I tried to look on the bright side of things, it never worked. Not for me, the main reason was that there is NO bright side. It was almost as if life had some kind of personal vandetta against me...either that, or God hated my guts.
My temples were pulsating, and I was sweating. I was probably running a fever or something. I felt like shit. My mind ran with thoughts of how to prepare myself for the next beating. How to avoid them. Why couldn't they just forget about me...let me get on with my life. I wasn't hurting them, I wasn't doing anything wrong. I didn't think I was. Very slowly, I broke down and began my daily ritual of crying. But this wasn't just my usual 'moan-and-groan' crying...this was my defeat cry. I had lost...I had lost my will to survive. I can't stand not having friends, being beat up by my 'friends' and father. I can't stand not being loved by anyone. I was tired...drained, both physically and mentally. I just couldn't fight the system, society. It had pushed me over the edge. The waterworks flowed from my eyes now...a sharp stabbing pain where my heart is. But I didn't make a sound...not one. 'God...why?' I asked Him. But there was no reply, just like always and I cried freely and openly, sobbing loudly into my pillow. I knew what I had to do.
No matter what I do, no matter how hard I try...nothing ever works. No one understands me, no one ever will. Not if they never listen, or even lend a friendly ear. The raindrops against the window only helped to force my tears to run out of control from my swollen and tired eyes. In a way, the sound was relaxing. I had grown so accustomed to having it rain on me. My hands shaking, my heart felt hollow and almost nonexistent. The misery enveloped my body from head to toe.
No one gives a damn about the way I feel. I have been told by the angels themselves that I was never meant to be happy, never meant to be loved, never meant to be beautiful, never meant to be rich, never meant to live the life I wanted to so badly. Why have I fought them off for so long? God himself has basically told me to go fuck myself, so why do I continue to defy him by remaining alive? How many misfortunes will life throw my way before I get the hint and just end my life? Not one more...not one more. I've gotten the hint loud and clear, and I refuse to fight against such a clever adversary for one more day. Because tonight...as this heavy rain pelts my windows with a steady rhythm...tonight will be the night that I end my suffering. At last, freedom will be mine.
All these fable ideas about how lovely life is, or in my case, how lovely it could be...it's all a lie. None of it's ever true, and no one can ever convince me otherwise. I have put on blinders to avoid the vision of my own pathetic life. I have put on a fake smile to hide it from my friends. I'm sick of the humiliation and embarrassment, of being beaten when I am already down on the floor. The betrayal and abandonment and rejection. To feel helpless for your entire life. To know that the only thing standing between you and insanity is your ability to take your pain and swallow it whole. To almost choke on it as it burns your insides and fights to be free. To want to scream all the time, to want to cry all the time...but to know that no one will hear you or care. I have NEEDS! I NEED love, I NEED to be loved. I want to feel like I matter, like I have a purpose in life. What do I have to look forward to? Another beating, which was promised to me to be worse?
I've been reduced to a boy curled up into a ball, crying his soul out in silent tears...tears that no one will see. Cries that no one will hear. The feeling of vulnerability and helplessness sweeps over me. No more fake friends, no more watching mindless TV shows, no more abusive father, no more falling in love with boys who would never have me, no more boring classes, no more loneliness because my heart belongs to someone who doesn't give a shit whether I'm hurting or not, no more heartbreak, no more fake smiles to cover the pain and sadness inside of me, no more wishing I was this kid or that kid just so I could actually mean something to somebody, no more trying to match my clothes or fix my hair when I know that nobody gives a fuck, no more staring at the hole that I put in the wall with my bare fist because the fury inside could no longer be contained. NO MORE!!!
I want to get out of this place...escape. The tears just never seem to stop. Why won't my father understand me? Why does he have to hurt me? No one deserves this life. No one. But for some strange reason...God thought I did. I probably should stand up for myself, but I now realised that I never learned how to. I've never lived a life where I had a say in what was being done to me, nor did I have the option to fight back. Do you think I honestly learned how to argue when every disagreement was MY fault and every 'discussion' ended with a shove or a backhand that knocked me to the floor? Things that people refuse to believe happen. They carry on with their little happy lives, denying the fact that these things do happen. My past is so irreparably fucked up, that I would rather have it be forgotten.
Everyday. Crying for love...to be loved...to feel needed. Fucking Trent! The one who I thought was to be with me...turns out to be my enemy. Do you know how that makes me feel? It's like I don't know what's real anymore. I thought he would love me, like I love him...but now he hates my guts! It rips my heart in two, tears my soul. I want to close my eyes, and forget the hell I live in hoping that when I open them, it'd all be a bad dream. And I'd wake up to loving parents who'll hug me and make me feel special. How I want so much to live in a fairy-tale where everything would be perfect. But then there's 'reality'.
The temptation to end my life is there waiting for me to answer every morning when I wake up. It invites me...and I'm finally going to answer the temptation. God's made it pretty clear to me. My father has too. Why won't he let me speak? And when I do, he'll give it back to me twice as hard...or with the back of his hand. And every time he does, my heart hurts so much, so painfully...and it once again brings tears to my eyes. The tears run down my face, only to be replaced with new ones. The sound of the rain hitting the window calms down. It's peaceful and quiet...makes me feel like I'm the only one here in this dark world, which is partly true.
No one knows what it's like to be belittled and verbally tortured to the point where their own existence seems to be worthless and wasteful at best. No one knows what it's like to pray to God to save me from this misery every single night with teary eyes, and never once get an answer. No one knows what it's like to be me, and life my fucked up life where you get regular beatings. A life where even I can't protect myself. That's why I've chosen this path to end it all. To end all this suffering. I've been denied the simple pleasures in life, like being hugged. I've never been touched before. How I long to feel someone touch my face...a nice soft caring, loving touch. My face has only ever been hit. And if someone were to touch my face now, I'd probably flinch away in fear of being struck.
The rain outside becomes louder. It seems to have an effect on my crying, as my tears come down in buckets now. No one can help me. I've been brought up on the assumption that I was a burden to my father...and now I actually believe it. I am a burden. A horrible, grotesque monster. I should've killed myself a long time ago. Nothing was going to change my fate. I'm scared now. Scared of what lies on the other side, if there is another side. I used to believe that my mum would be waiting for me on the other side, but now I'm not so sure. My mind is so screwed up, that I don't know what to believe in anymore. I don't want this...not this life. I want to end it all. Just so I can enter a deep sleep and dream that fairy-tale I've always wanted.
I walk to the bathroom, and start the hot water in the bath-tub. Slowly, I turn on the cold but making sure the hot overpowers it. While the tub is filling up, I go and retrieve a box of razors bringing them back to my room and locking the door behind me. I didn't want any interuptions. I sat on my bed, listening to the sound of running water which reminded me of the river. Or a lake, like the one at the park we used to go to as a family such a long time ago. My memories are so vivid, like it happened yesterday, yet they are so far away. So many years have gone by, and it's almost as if they've been lost somewhere along the way. I return to the bathroom, and stop the water. I put my hand in, and the temperature is so perfect. Putting the box of razors next to the tub, I remove my boxers and slowly slip into the tub. Without too much pain, I'm in. I let the temerature of the water intoxicate me totally, feeling as if the warmth of it, the heat, was somehow healing my body. It really did feel good. I lay there for a second, putting my head back and experiencing this with all of my senses except sight. I kept my eyes closed. I had seen enough. I submerged myself under the water, and came back up again.
I took a razor from the box, as my heart beat began to beat rapidly. The heat of the water and my nervousness were now as one. I swallowed the lump in my throat and took a deep breath. When I brought my left arm above the water, I felt the coldness of the air. My right hand was holding the razor which was so shiny. I had already decided that I did not want to see any of this happening. The mere thought of seeing blood coming out from my wrist, and staining the water was enought to make me faint. The razor felt even colder than the air, against my skin. I closed my eyes, waiting for the action to take place. I paused...everything was so dead quiet. I suddenly became in tune with everything around me, like the world was just waiting for me to do this. Just one swift motion was all it took, I wanted to do this. Just as I was about to make a quick incision...
Ding Dong! I heard the doorbell from downstairs. The sound made me jump out of my skin, contrasting to the dead silence of before. I dropped the razor, and took a deep breath again, thinking of waiting until whoever it was at the front door would leave. I lay back, and tried to relax. But after the doorbell, there was knocking that sounded so persistent that it annoyed me. Why couldn't whoever it was just realise that no one wanted to talk to him or her. Just go! But the doorbell rang again, and through frustration I got out of the bloody bath tub. I dried myself very quickly and slipped on my boxers, and put a towel around me. Maybe that would show that I was busy when I answered the door.
I ran downstairs and opened the front door, and there was Jessie. He looked surprised, and I wished I had gotten dressed.
"Hi...that's a new look for you," he joked.
"What are you doing here...no wait, how do you know where I live?" I asked annoyed.
"I followed you home before..."
"So you're stalking me now?"
"And when I rang the doorbell you didn't answer...and I got kinda worried..." he said, ignoring my question.
"Well, I'm fine...so bye..." I said, trying my best to get rid of him, so I could get back to business.
"Y'know, I didn't even catch your name!" he said quickly before I closed the door on him.
"Is there something you want?!" I exclaimed.
"I...I just wanted to...know your name..." he said, looking away from me, hurt. He was so beautiful, those green eyes. I took a deep breath.
"I'm...I'm Michael..." I answered, easing up a bit.
He gave me a small smile, almost as if he were waiting for acceptance. I knew that he was beautiful, and I'd like him. I didn't want to give myself a reason for liking him. I can't trust anyone. The world's a dangerous place, and it could get much worse for me than it already is. What if Jessie and his gang started beating me up every alternate day Trent was? I didn't need anymore trouble. But since I was going to end it all anyway tonight, I though what the hell. This was my last night on earth anyway.
"D...do you wanna come in?" I asked doubtfully.
"Yeah, sure!" he answered excitedly. I let him in, and closed the door behind him.
"I'm going to go put some clothes on, you might as well come upstairs...there's nothing to do down here." I said, as I started up the stairs with Jessie right behind me. We went to my room.
"Where's your mum and dad?" he asked. I got some clothes and put them on in the bathroom out of Jessie's sight.
"My dad's always working, he's hardly ever home. My mum...s-she died when I was five..." I said, having trouble holding back the tears.
"I'm sorry..." he said sincerely. I walked back out.
"No, it's ok."
I offered him a drink, but he declined. He tried to make small chit-chat, and I had a feeling that this was leading to somewhere I didn't really want to go.
"Are you ok?" he asked referring to my bruises.
"Yeah, I guess."
"Why were they doing that to you?" he asked.
I gave him no answer. I didn't want him to find out that I was gay. I had learnt my less the first time, and it would be better for me and the whole world if I kept this evil secret to myself. I sat there uncomfortably, hoping he would change the subject. I tried to think of something else to say, but nothing came to my mind. His eyes kept a steady gaze at me, and I was mesmerised by those beautiful eyes of his. His facial features were so boyish, such smooth skin, and so cute. I had to look away from him, before I fell in love with him. It was painful to look at him, knowing that he'd hate me if he really knew what I was. A monster. "Do you want to talk about it?" he asked again. I didn't want him to find out.
"Why? They can't be beating you for no reason..."
"Can we just change subject?" I asked quietly.
"I really want to help--"
"Help? I already said that I didn't need help! Why can't you just understand that and leave it at that? Why do you continue to pursue this? Did you know that I'm going to get an even worse beating because of your 'help'? Please...can we...can we just change the subject?" I excalimed, before calming down a bit. Jessie looked a bit stunned.
"I'm sorry we helped..." he said, and got up and walked to the door.
Just before he opened the door I whispered to him, "Why do you care?"
He stopped and stood there a second before saying, "Because I like you."
"I like you too."
He turned around a smiled at me. God, he was cute. "I really like talking to you, and I want to be your friend," he added. "So would I..." For the next twenty minutes we talked, well Jessie did most of the talking. Nothing worth telling from me, but I enjoyed listening to him talk. The sound of his voice was so boyish, the enthusiasm he showed when he talked about him and his friends at parties. I didn't have much to add to his comments, and just nodded my head to show that I was keeping up with him. He went to the same school as me, but was in a different class. Funny how I never noticed him before, probably because I kept so much to myself. I found it hard not to look at him, but when he talked he forced me to gaze at him. To keep the eye contact. I wanted to look away, but I couldn't. I was drawn to him by some greater force. It was happening again, I was falling in love. Or it was a crush at least.
"Wow! You've done heaps of stuff...so exciting" I said.
"Nah! C'mon, surely you've done stuff with your friends. Don't you have any friends?" he joked.
He laughed, but I didn't. I forced a fake smile, and looked away. He noticed me, and stopped. It was true, I know...I had no friends.
"That was supposed to be a joke..." he told me.
"Sigh, I know..."
"Y'know...there's more to you than meets the eye. Here I am babbling about myself, and you haven't told me a thing about you! Hold on, I gotta use the bathroom, but I want to hear something about you when I get back," he said, before heading to my bathroom. All I could think about was what to tell him. Do I make up a story? Or do I tell him the truth? No, not the truth, that's what got me into trouble in the first place. "Michael?" he called from the bathroom. "Yeah?" I answered. He walked back out holding the box of razor blades asking, "What is this?" I stood up quickly, went over to him and took the box and shoving it into a drawer at my desk. "Oh, that's nothing," I lied terribly. Jessie looked kinda angry.
"And the bath-tub full of water?"
"I was gonna have a bath..."
"What's wrong with you?" he asked accusingly.
"What do you mean?" I tried to play dumb.
"Oh, come off it! You were going to kill yourself?!" he shouted at me. I knew there was no point in trying to cover up anything now. But why was he so angry? If anyone should be angry, it should be me! It was my life, and I'd do whatever the hell I want with it!
"Yeah?! What's that got to do with you anyway! I'll do whatever the hell I want! And I don't need to ask you or anyone else's permission to do it!"
"But...what could possibly be so bad that you'd consider taking your own life?" he asked, with pleading eyes.
"You wouldn't understand..."
"Then make me understand!" he pleaded me.
I studied him for a moment. For a split second, I could honestly say that I thought he really did care. But he wasn't ready to hear what I had to endure. He wouldn't belive me if I told him. So I lied. "It's cus of the beatings I'm always getting..." He looked at me, like he didn't believe me.
"That can't be the only reason...I mean...no, that's not it...you're lying," he said, shaking his head.
"Why does this mean so much to you?" I asked, not quite understanding his over-caring attitude. It bewildered me, I've never had anyone treat me this nice before. No one had ever gone out of their way to be nice to me.
"Because I care about you! I don't want you to get hurt. I mean...how do you expect me to see what I've seen today and just ignore it? I can't! I can't just sit around here, knowing something and not doing anything about it. I can't just ignore you...and pretend to go on with my life," he told me. It was the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. And whatever thoughts I had before about him not understanding were no gone, and I wanted so much to put all my faith in him. To be able to trust him, if only as a friend. He genuinely cared for me, if not about me. He looked at me for a long time, looking for some kind of reaction or reply from me. And during that time, I was mesmerised by his beautiful emerald eyes...the windows to the soul. I could trust him.
I suddenly broke down into tears, and while sobbing incoherently putting sentences together about my life. I told him about my mother dying, and no one really explaining to me what had happened. How I waited for her to come back, but she never did. I told him about my father, how he despised me and treated me like shit. Like I was some kind of burden, and beating me up every now and then. And I paused for a while, with my head in my arms and noticed that Jessie was sitting next to me, with his arm on my shoulder. I looked at him, and saw he had teary eyes, but nothing like the waterfalls that were my eyes. He asked me if that was all...like he was expecting the worse. I shook my head, no.
"About a month ago, I met the most wonderful guy in the world. At least that's what I thought...and I thought he was my friend. We hung around each other, and we were the best of friends. It was the closest thing I ever had to a friend. And he found out I was..." I stopped, tears filling my eyes, experiencing all the pain again. Remembering how I thought he felt the same way, that special kiss...
"What happened?" he asked quietly.
There was a long pause, and a long silence. And during that silence, I just enjoyed the feeling of his hand on my shoulder. "He found out I was *sniff*...gay."
"Oh..." was all I heard from him.
"Please don't tell anyone! Please don't! If you hate me, that's okay...but please don't tell anyone! I beg of you..." I turned to him and exclaimed. I turned away and looked at the floor blankly. "After Trent found out...he started beating me up...and I don't need anymore of that. You're not going to tell anyone are you?" I looked at him, searching for an answer.
He looked at me with those beautiful eyes, and shook his had gently, "No. I won't tell anyone."
"Thank you...the last thing I need is another group of people beating me up..."
"Michael...we would never do that...never. And you were going to end it all tonight?"
I nodded my head, ashamed of myself knowing that someone actually cared about me. "Thank you for letting me get all of this off my chest. It's late, you'd better go now."
"Don't do it..." he told me.
"Do what?" I asked.
"Promise me, you won't kill yourself...please, don't do this..." He had a look of sadness in his eyes.
"I won't do it...not tonight..." I answered.
He seemed to be satisfied with that answer, and I showed him to the door.
I walked to school the next day feeling a bit more liberated than I felt the night before...I mean, I was planning to kill myself. After some serious thinking, I realised that I had a serious problem, and I needed help. I mean, if Jessie hadn't shown up last night I probably wouldn't be here right now. It was strange, feeling that I wanted to live now. Last night, I was ready to give it all up just like that. I thought more and more about it, and the more obsessed I became with someone actually caring about me. Usually no one gave a shit whether I was around or not, but Jessie genuinely cared. And the more I thought about it, the more I realised how much I really liked Jessie. He was such a cool guy. I couldn't stop thinking about him, and I knew that this would be trouble.
Upon arriving at the front steps of the school, I was a bit distracted with my thoughts when I felt someone's shoulder give me a good slam. I felt back onto the concrete, as 4 more people walked passed. Luckily, my backpack broke my fall, or else I would be in a lot of pain right now. I looked at who it was, and there was Trent with this 'I couldn't care less' look on his face. He gave me a shit-eating grin before walking off, and his friend followed him. I shook it off, and was about to get up when I saw a hand being offered to me.
"Hey, need a hand?" offered Jessie with a smile on his face. God was he beautiful.
"Hey, yeah thanks," and I took his hand and he helped me to my feet. His touch was so soft, but firm. He was wearing blue jeans that seemed to complement his figure so well, and a white t-shirt with an open shirt over it. It was such a sight that I held his hand a little longer than necessary, before taking it away a little suddenly. He smiled.
"C'mon, let's go," he said and we walked up the steps and into the school.
My day seemed to brighten up a whole lot more as soon as Jessie had shown up. I forgot all my pains and troubles, and I was just happy to have a friend. I mean, he knew I was gay, and until now had not said a thing about it. He didn't mind me being that way, and it felt so good to have someone know about me without them condemning me. His heart was in the right place, I think. We walked into the school not really saying anything. But I felt proud to be walking beside him, just the feeling of having a friend. A REAl friend. I was actually smiling, and when I looked over at Jessie, so was he. He stopped outside my locker, and waited for me to put my bags in and get a couple of books, before he told me to follow him to his locker with was at the other end of the hall. Not too far away, but it was good to know where he was situated. While walking over there, I noticed that his friends were all standing around talking.
"You're friends are waiting for ya...I'll get going..." I told him, thinking that he'd want to be with his friends now that they're there.
"Hey, no! C'mon over...it's kewl," he said, all the while, smiling at me.
"You sure? I mean, if you don't want me around, it's ok..."
"Are you kidding? C'mon!" he said and practically took me by the arm and dragged me over there to the rest of the guys.
I was a bit unsure about the whole issue of intruding on his little group, but he told me that they'd be kewl with it. He really wanted to keep me happy or something, and I gladly followed. Hell, he was holding me by the arm! But his touch was so soft and gentle, it was amazing. Upon arriving, everyone eyed me kinda suspiciously surprised to see me I suppose after my little outburst yesterday. I suddenly felt very self concious of myself being there, and I stood out like the ugly duckling. But they quickly let it go, and started talking to me, treating me like a normal person.
"We didn't catch your name yesterday..." asked Jessica politely. She had blonde hair, blue eyes. You know that saying about blondes, how they're not really that smart and all? Well, Jessica was sounded very intelligent, while being pretty at the same time. It totally defied the assumption of a dumb blonde.
"Oh...yeah, I'm Michael..." I said shyly.
"Nice to meet you Mike!" they all greeted me. I didn't really know if I was fitting in or not, and I did feel wierd being around them. They all talked, and I just stood around trying not to look like I was trying to fit in. I just wanted to walk away, but I knew that would be too obvious. After a while of waiting, I decided to just walk away, and thankfully without anyone noticing either.
I went to class as usual, nothing exciting there. I knew that I just had to get on with my life, however much longer that was going to be. I felt like I had some control over my life now. I knew that whever things got really bad, I had the choice of when I wanted to end it. But after last night, I only realised how important and beautiful life is. I mean, if I had ended it all last night, I wouldn't have been able to see today. To be able to see Jessie. But they were just small things...I knew that something bad would be awaiting me. At the start of one class, before the teacher came in, Trent walked over to my desk and sat down next to me for a second.
"So, where are your friends now?" he asked.
"I dunno what you're talking about..." I said nervously. I looked at the desk, afraid to look at him.
"Oh, ok. Y'know...they're not going to save you all the time..."
"I know...and they're not...I don't even know them..." I tried to keep them out of the picture before more trouble comes my way.
"That'd be best," he said, and gave me a friendly punch to the stomach which hurt me like hell. It forced me to scrunch up my face in pain and Trent knew it. He laughed and went back to his seat and talked with his friends. 'I'm in deep trouble' I thought to myself. At the end of class before lunch, I waited until Trent and his friends had gone out, before I gathered up my stuff slowly and left the room. I walked the hallways, cautiously, just in case anymore shoulders came my way.
I wasn't really that hungry, but thought I'd go to the cafeteria and grab a drink or something. Then I'd just go to the back of the school and hang around until the bell went. I walked to the cafeteria, and there was the majority of everyone having lunch. I got myself a drink and was about to leave when Jessie and his friends came into the cafeteria. I kept my head down, hoping that I would be able to slip past them without them noticing me. No such luck.
"Hey!" I tried to sound a bit cheery.
"You guys go get a table, I'll join you later..." Jessie said to his friends, and they went along talking and laughing. Something I won't be able to do. "Hey, where'd you go this morning?"
"I, uh, had a few things to do before class, so I thought I'd go..." I lied.
"You could've told me. I'd have gone with ya..."
"Nah, it's ok, I'll see you later..." I said, and started to walk away.
"Hey where you going? Why don't you come and sit with us?" he offered.
I remembered what happened this morning, how I didn't really fit in and I declined. But he insisted that I sit with them, and again practically took me by the arm and dragged me there. I made sure that Trent and his gang wasn't around to see any of this, otherwise there'd be trouble.
No sign of them. I sat down, and instantly I became the centre of attention. I was quite surprised to find all of them talking to me at once, and I had trouble answering all their questions. I didn't even realise it, but I was in Art class with Natalie, History with Terence, and I didn't even know until now when we actually talked about it. It felt good to know that I would be able to talk to someone when I'm in class. I was really fitting in, and Jessie was paying special attention to me. We talked, and I actually laughed at their jokes, even though it hurt my stomach. I laughed through the pain. Suddenly I felt a hand on my shoulder, and I spun around to see who it was.
"Tsk, tsk. So you're lying to me now? You told me you don't know these people," said Trent coyly.
"Back off!" Jessie interjected.
"Yeah, leave him alone!" said Jessica.
I looked desperately at them, wanting them to stop trying to defend me. But their attention was on Trent and his gang behind me.
"So what? This little faggot replaced you with me?" he asked Jessie.
"Trent, please! Don't..." I begged him. He had basically outed me in front of all my new friends. This can't be happening, and I began to panic.
"And so what if he did? I won't treat him the way YOU did!" said Jessie, which surprised me even. What exactly did he mean by that?
"Fuck you all!" he said, before giving me a hard pat on the back, and one my head. Slowly I looked up at all of them to find them staring at me.
"Jessie...please, I told you I don't need your help," I told him and the others, "just let me handle this..."
"You're such an ungrateful shit you know that?" said Andy.
"Andy," said Jessie.
"No, no...if you don't want our help, then just fuck off alright? We don't need ungrateful bastards like y--"
"ANDY! Stop!" said Jessie, and a couple of them told Andy to shut up, but I had already gotten up off my seat and bolted out of the cafeteria. I had ruined it again, stuffed up my life. I was really hurt, and luckily I wasn't at the stage tears yet, just extreme hurt. Okay, I had better just stay away from them. If I don't associate with anyone, no one will get hurt, especially me. I don't know how much more hurt I can handle before it pushes me over the edge again. I don't need this, I kept telling myself. I ran to my refuge at the back of the school and sat under a tree away from everyone else. I felt a stray tear run down my cheek, but I wiped it away. This is where I belong, somewhere cut off from everyone else, by myself. It was better this way. No troubles this way.
"He didn't mean that," a voice said.
"No, he's right Jessie. I should just FUCK off...I understand..." I said.
"No, he didn't mean it...he was just angry at--" Jessie tried to explain.
"It's alright Jessie *sniff*," I wiped another tear from my cheek, "I am ungrateful...I'm just a bastard." More tears came down my cheek, and I kept wiping them away.
Jessie sat down next to me, and put an arm around me. I put my head on his shoulder, and took comfort in his arms as I silently cried. "I tried...*sniff*, I really did. I just don't fit in, and then there's Trent always waiting to beat me up..."
"I just don't know what to do anymore Jessie...I do want your help...but I'm scared..."
"I know...it'll be ok, I promise," he said. I pulled away from the comfort and kind warmth of his arms. I can't let myself get too close. I looked him in the eye.
"Don't make promises you can't keep..." I told him, "you're much too nice of a person to be doing that."
He looked at me, knowing that he was completely helpless. There was nothing he could do, it's not like he could be my bodyguard. "See you around Jessie." And I got up and left.
Good to see you made it to the bottom! So what do you guys think? Good? Bad? Let me know ok? Story's still building up. I've gotta go now, I'm gonna start the third installment now. Okay peeps?
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