Date: Wed, 25 Oct 2000 19:05:43 CEST From: a a Subject: Love is worth all the risks 3 LEGAL STUFF This story is a work of fiction involving teenage boys. All The usual rules apply. If you shouldn't be reading this now then don't continue on! If you do, don't get caught! This story is copyright by (c)vhere who retains all rights. If you want to use it, in any way, send me a mail, I'm sure we will find an agreement. ABOUT THE STORY I ask for your leniency because I have mitigating circumstances: 1- This is my first attempt to wright a story. 2- I am french, so my english is far from perfect (if you mail me you will understand what I mean in my answer!) So try to be kind and positive in your criticisms!! Send them to vhere@hotmail.com SPECIAL THANKS It's my pleasure to thank Christian who helped me so much in the writing of the story. Without him and his talented bilinguism "Love is worth all the risks" should have remained a project for a long time. He has been a scrupulous proofreader and a very helpfull teacher. I don't know how to pay him back all the time he spent on my work!! I owe him my first publication. I'll never forget it. And now the show can go on! LOVE IS WORTH ALL THE RISKS CHAPTER 3: Dangerous areas I glanced quickly at Lucia. She was shivering, white as a ghost. I took a deep breath. "Dad, Mum, I am gay." The earth stopped turning, as my heart stopped beating. All was absolutely silent. My father stood up slowly, went to the bar and came back with the bottle of Jack Daniel he uses no more than twice a year. He sat back on his chair and poured some liquor in his glass. Mum held out her one. "Give me some please." They drank their alcohol. All was happening in slow motion. It had the looks of a bad movie. They looked at each other for a few seconds as if to proceed to a secret and dumb exchange, then they stared at me. "What a piece of news!" said my mother. She immediately added: "but thank you! Thank you to have faith in us, enough to tell us you are gay. I can understand that was scaring you, even though there is no objective reason." Her eyes was moist but she was smiling. "We love you Matt. Nothing will ever change that. We love you. If you need any support, we will always be here for you. Don't have any doubt about it and never forget it." said my dad. I started to cry, one more time. I tried, unsuccessfully, to wipe my tears. " I am not sad, not at all! On the contrary! I am happy, so happy and so relieved that I have no more control on my bloody eyes!" "Would you like a drop of JD?" He put some in my glass and I drank it at once. It made me cough so hard, I almost fell on the ground. We all laughed instantly and for several minutes: a good way to drain the intensity of the moment. When we recovered calm, my father told me: "Matt, do you want all of us to talk any more today? Personnally, I would prefer to have some time to think about it. Don't misunderstand me. I totally accept the fact that you are gay and I don't mind it. It's just it's more than unexpected, so I feel like I need some time to reflect on my own." "I have made the hardest part. I don't need to rush anymore. In fact the day has been pretty hard for me. I feel as exhausted as someone who has been walking for 17 years with leads shoes of twenty pounds each. I think tomorrow I will be the fastest of the school! Tonight I am just exhausted and need to go to bed. Thank you all for being so supportive. You don't know how much it means to me, how much I needed your comprehension. I love you!" I gave them big hugs and kisses and I went to my room. The next day I woke up all dressed on my bed: the sleep had been faster than me! When Lucia and I left for school, she asked me: "Are you ready to meet him?" "Yes I am, much more than I was yesterday when you saw me! I'll try my best to be the same as usual." About 100 yards before his house, I saw him, waiting on the pavement. He waved and shouted "Hello!" He was grinning widely. He kissed Lucia and shook my hand warmly. He was visibly glad to see me and we chatted like old friends all the way to school. Before to move away, Lucia whispered in my ear: "You really have good taste bro, and as far as I can see, you can keep hope, your company is a pleasure to him!" I turned bright red fearing that Taylor could have heard her, but I think he didn't. He just looked a bit curious of why I had suddenly reddened but he didn't ask, so I didn't have to find an excuse. The day passed uneventfully, as the rest of the week. I spent most of my time with Taylor, sometimes with some other friends but mostly just the both of us. The more I saw him, spoke to him, worked with him, the more I fell for him. My life was torn up between heaven and hell. I was living a sweet torture, as something which tickles you, you know, but 1000 times sweeter and 1000 times more painful. I tried my best to be not too obvious and I think I was successful because Taylor never seemed to notice. The hardest to do was to move away each time a part of our bodies was in contact. It was heaven for me and I needed all my will to move away. Those few contacts was like the piquancy of my life. Day after day I was collecting small images and subtle sensations, and night after night I was fantasizing about them. Friday afternoon, as we were going home, Taylor was not as talkative as usual. He seemed quite thoughtful. "You don't talk a lot today! Is there anything bothering you?" "No, not really. I was just thinking about our math class. I think I understood almost nothing in our two last lessons and I am sure the Tuesday test will be bad for me. Even if I work like a maniac all the weekend long!" "Do you want some help? It's all new for you but not for me: I had the same teacher last year and we already began to work on those damned statistic and probability calculation." "Oh, I don't want to spoil your weekend! You gave me already so much of your time all week long!" "Don't say that, it has not been a chore! I haven't known you for a long time but I consider you as my best friend. If you don't mind. And what friends are for? So, if you want, I'll be happy to help you... And to be with you." He reddened, tightened a little and glanced quickly at me. "Hum! Yes we could... Hum... Play... Game... Video games." I was mumbling awfully. "Or we could... Watch a movie or..." "OK! OK! So if you are not bored with doing some math over the weekend, it's OK with me and perhaps you could sleep over?" "Oh! That would be great! When do you want?" "Why not this evening? The earliest, the best, so we still have two full days to recover! I'll ask my mum if you are OK, I am sure she will agree." "OK! I have to ask my mum also. I'll go home to take some stuff and I'll be back in a few, just give me a call at home to confirm it's OK!" I almost ran to my home and called my mother at her office. She agreed to let me go at Taylor's: "Just don't forget to let me a phone number and be at home tomorrow before twelve and don't sleep to late, it's just the beginning of the year, and most of all be the perfect gentleman and..." "Mum! remember I am 17! I know all this advice by heart now!" "Yes honey, well, have a good time and see you tomorrow!" "By mum and thanks." I hardly hung back the phone that he got ringing. "Hello!" "Hi! Matt, Taylor speaking, all is OK for me and for you?" "My mum said yes so I just have to prepare some stuff and I'll be right there in a few." "See you soon." I went to my room to take my sleeping bag and some clothes for the next day. I made a quick shower to be at my best. I was just about to leave when Lucia came in. "Where are you going bro?" "To Taylor's, he asked me to help him for some math and to sleep over." "To sleep over, hum, hum... over perhaps but to sleep... I don't think so!" I became red enough to render jealous the most perfect tomato. I was speechless. "Lucia! How can you... ? And then it will not happen! Nothing will never happen! He is straight!" "How do you know that? Has he yet a girlfriend?" "No but he made some comments about a few girls he thought attractive." "And you never did?" "Yes I did, but you know why. It's just because I can't tell who my preferences are for!" "And you think Taylor is different. You think that if he is gay he would go directly in your pant?" "Hum... no! But no way he is gay, he is straight!!!" "It's nice to have a brother open minded and optimistic. One day you'll have to tell him, don't you think so?" "I don't know. I don't want to lose him. Even if he can't be my lover, I don't want to lose him as a friend, and it scares me that could happen if I tell it to him. He would probably reject me!" "If he rejects you because you are gay, it means that he is homophobic. And, being gay, you can remain friend with somebody you think he is homophobic? Difficult to understand that!" "I am neither sure he would reject me nor love me, I am sure of nothing! All of this is so confusing! Why am I not straight? I could be with Cathy, the both of us happy, it would be so simple, if..." "If, if, if... Stop rebuilding the world and yourself. You are who you are and what you are, and the guy who will understand that and love you, will be the happiest. The only IF I am sure about, is that IF you don't tell him, you will be unhappy. And I don't want you to be unhappy. I hope you will think about it! Will you?" "Yes I'll, I promise. Thank you Lucia!" I looked at my watch. "Oh, I am going to be late! Taylor has been waiting for me for half an hour. I have to go. See you tomorrow Lucia!" "See you Matt, and have a good night!" I rushed out of the house and ran all the way to Taylor's, as fast as I could. I hadn't time enough to knock at the door, he opened it as soon as I arrived. "Whow Matt, you look out of breath. Why were you running so fast?" "I had a chat with Lucia, and suddenly I saw I was late, and I hate to be late." "There is no problem, come in buddy. Do you want something to drink?" "I need it, thank you!" "A coke?" "Just a glass of water please." He held me out a glass. "When you are finished I have to introduce you to my mother. She is waiting for us in the living room." The living room was pretty huge, furnished and decorated with a lot of taste. All was modern style, clear wood and leather. Some precious trinkets was on plexiglass shelves, and awesome tapestris full of colors were hung on the white walls. I knew later they all came from Guatemala. His mother was reading in one of the armchairs. She was very pretty, dressed in jeans and a polo and looked more like an older sister of Taylor than his mother. I knew by our previous conversations that his father had left them ten years before and they never heard from him any more. It has been quite difficult for Taylor and his mum for several years but they dealt with the situation. His mother worked as an interpreter in French and they had moved during the summer for her to be more close to his best customer. They were not rich, but comfortably off. Their removal has been like cutting the last rope with his father, even though he had feared it, he felt it now as a relief. "Hi mum, here is Matt." "Oh excuse me! I haven't heard you coming in. Hello Matt!" "Good afternoon Mrs. ..." "Call me Martha, I am very happy to know you. No!" she corrected, "just to see you. Because it's almost as if I know you for a week. Taylor doesn't stop talking about you: what you are, what you do, what you think, what you like, what you..." "Stop mum, it's embarrassing!" "OK! OK! I am just teasing. Seriously I want to thank you Matt, because Taylor was almost depressed until Monday: to be in a new town, in a new school,... You know all that stuff, and since Monday he is absolutely relieved from his fears. He is back in a happy mood and from what I know, speaking to him and to his cousin Cathy, it's traceable to you. So I have to thank you." She hugged me tightly. I was very surprised by the display of affection but didn't feel embarassed because of it's double meaning: firstly Martha cared a lot about his son and secondly, more important for me, Taylor had really had good time with me. That was the best knews of the year. We went to his room. "What about doing that bloody math just now so we are free of it ?" I asked. "Sounds good to me!" We sat down at his desk and began to work on some exercises he had difficulties with. Very quickly we were totaly in the math work and things were going on pretty well. He was very good in math. He just lacked two or three bases we had learned the previous year. "Boys, dinner is ready!" Called his mother from downstairs. I looked at my watch and was very surprised to see it was seven PM. We had worked for at least three hours without any stop. "Just five more minutes mum and we are done!" We finished the last exercise and rushed to the kitchen. We were both starving. Martha had prepared a tomato salad with mozzarella and basil and T-bones with french fries: it was absolutely delicious. "How is going your math problem honey?" "No more math problem! Matt is the best teacher!" "One more quality! When will it stop?" We all laughed. "I don't know but I am relieved. I thought I would have to work all weekend long, and all is done before Saturday morning!" "It was not so hard and you look to be pretty good." "So, to celebrate this wonderful event, would you prefer ice-creams or flambˇ bananas?" "Oh bananas mum! Choose bananas Matt, especially if you don't know it, it's great!" So I choose bananas and great was far from the reality. I think it should have fed the gods: she cooked the bananas slowly, for the sugar to caramelize lightly, then she dosed the whole thing whith a generous amount of Cognac and set it on fire. She served it with vanilla ice-cream!!!! We continued chatting while Martha was cooking. She was so nice, so kind, so funny, she was almost like an older friend. At about nine she left us. She went to her bedroom to end her book before sleeping. "Have a good night boys and don't sleep too late!" "OK mum!" "Goodbye Martha and thanks for all, it has been an excellent evening!" "You are welcome Matt, as often as you want!" "What do you prefer Matt video or video game?" "Hum... video games. I like movies but I prefer to see them in cinemas. Perhaps we could go next week, one plays an old Capra's comedy: "Arsenic and old tales". It's one of the funniest movies ever realized!" "I have never heard about it but I am ready to try. Now I am going to teach you how to race in the "24 heures du Mans"!" We went to his room and we started to play. I thought I was good at it but, in spite of all my practice, he was overtaking me every ten laps. Maybe I was not at my best: feeling him so close to me made my concentration uncertain. Each time our movements made contacts between our arms, legs or shoulders, it was like an electric shock for me and my car was almost going out of the road. And our contacts were more and more frequent, as if he did it on purpose to make me fail. "Do you want a break?" asked Taylor. He put his hand on my shoulder to stand up. I could feel all his fingers leaning on me. I shivered and he quickly took his hand back, moving away from me. I stood up also. "Yes I need to recover some strength, and then we'll have a last race and I'll crash you down, I can feel it!" "Don't confuse hope and reality! Do you want something to drink?" "A coke please." Whilst he was in the kitchen, I was thinking how things were going on. It was so difficult to be close to him and unable or forbidden to make a move on him, to show him my desire. It was really painful. I began to think I shouldn't have come. I had to get stronger to dominate my impulses. If I don't, I am in danger to be discovered for what I am: an horny faggot who is trying to jump in the pants of somebody who thinks he has a good friend at home. A good friend? How could I be a good friend being so full of lust and dishonest with him? He didn't deserved such a bastard as me. I was all in my dark thoughts. I didn't hear him coming back with the cans of coke and I jumped when he put one in my hand. I let it fall and it splashed all the carpet. What a mess! "Oh shit!" said Taylor. "I am sorry! I am so clumsy!" "It doesn't matter, we just have to clean it quickly!" He threw me an old towel and took one himself to absorb the most of the coke, then we cleaned the rest with some water. It went off very fast. We were about to finish when I grabbed the last towel, still on the carpet, as he was doing the same. I grabbed his hand and immediately he took it away without a glance to me. This time I was sure, he was avoiding the contact with me. I had been too obvious. He had understood all the story or at least he was about to, or he was getting suspicious... Taylor was coming back from the bathroom. "Hey! What's up with you? You are so pale all of a sudden!" "It's alright, all is OK!" "It doesn't seem so, you are shivering as a leaf!" I couldn't regain control. What he could say scared me to death. "I think it should be better for me to leave." "Why would you leave? I told you the coke on the carpet is absolutely nothing to worry about!" "It's not that." "So what is it? Something I said, or... I did?" He said that quickly, not looking at me. "No! No... it's... me, just me. I, I can't tell you. I think it should be better for both of us that I go back home, for our friendship." "You are going to leave me in the middle of the night, at one am, without a word to explain why, and you are speaking about friendship!! I thought I was your friend and I trusted you for that, and now you turn me down just... jut for me... I thought you were more open minded. By the way you do as you want!" He looked more hurt than angry. He went to unplug his nes and switched off the TV, not saying a word. He arranged some trinkets on his desk and on the shelves, still silent. "I am sorry." I whispered. "If you want to do a last thing for me: stay the night. Not for me but for my mum. I don't want her to worry about all that stuff, then you can leave as soon as you wake up." He went to the bathroom and closed the door. I was stunned by the situation. I was so shocked that I was unable to think clearly. When he came back I was still at the same place, still enclosed in my fear and my shock. "What did you decide?" "I'll stay." "Thank you" he replied quickly and he went to his bed. I went to the bathroom too. I brushed my teeth, had a pee and put on a T-shirt for the night. Taylor was already in his bed, facing the wall. I climbed in the other one, at the opposite side of the room. He switched of the light immediately, without a word. I knew I would be unable to sleep. I was so tensed. Images of the evening was rushing through my mind, constantly. The way he touched me, then the way he avoided me, his stares over me, joyful at the beginning, then surprised, disturbed. I was even beginning to see some disgust in the last ones. I was so oppressed by my fears that I could hardly breath. I was trying at the same time to control my emotions and to be as silent as possible. I was biting my sheet to stop my increasing desire to cry. I knew that if I failed I would sob in no time. The next hours has been the slowest I ever lived.The red minutes on his alarm clock looked like they were full of thousands of seconds. It was almost three am when I heard a very light noise, as somebody sniffing far away. As the minutes passed, I heard the noise more and more. I was sure Taylor was crying. I couldn't help: I stood up and went to his bed. He was curled up under the blanket, his face deeply sunk in his pillow, as to disappear in it. "Taylor? Taylor, stop crying please! I can't bear seeing you in such a mood!" "..." "Please, tell me something!" I made a move to stroke his hair. He jumped. "Don't touch me! Get out of my bed! I know you dislike me, don't try to play the caring guy anymore! You hate me! You have the right but it has been rotten to act friendly then to bump me as a shit!" He almost shouted sitting in his bed. "I don't hate you Taylor! Why would I hate you?" "Because... Because I... So if you don't hate me, why did you want to flee?" He retorted with anger in his voice. He grabbed his pillow to put it back on his face as he resumed to sob. I had never seen somebody in such a pain. That was destroying me. I had to calm him down, even if it meant put me down. He was so important for me! "Taylor" I whispered, "I am going to tell you why." "I don't care! You can say what you want and go where you want! I don't hear you anymore." "Want or not, I'll tell you and you'll listen!" I replied angrily this time. I snatched his pillow from his hands. "You are right about me. I can't be a good friend and I haven't been honest with you. I have been unfaithful with you. I am gay Taylor. Here it's, I have said it!! I am gay, I am a fag. I wanted to go away because I thought you had understood it or you were about to. I preferred to go away on my own than to be thrown away. It's not because I dislike you but because I dislike me. I just hope you will not tell everyone." I turned my back to him and sat down on the floor. It was my turn to cry. I was straight, for the first time in my life perhaps, icy tears cascading over my cheeks as if my life was trying to quit my body. Taylor climbed of his bed and went in front of me, three feet away. He was smiling at first then he began to chuckle and ten seconds later he was laughing so hard! I was looking at him in disbelief. I was hurt to death he could laugh at me. I didn't deserved that. He tried to say something but he could hardly speak: "Ma... do... stupid... stop..." I looked straight in his face, I was mad. "Even if I am a fag, I'll not let you call me names, this time I leave!!" ------------------------------- All the authors like the feed-back, so I do!!! Don't forget it. You can even address your comments and criticisms in French!! 11