Date: Wed, 13 Dec 2000 11:14:29 +0100 From: a a Subject: Love is worth all the risks 8 LEGAL STUFF This story is a work of fiction involving teenage boys. All The usual rules apply. If you shouldn't be reading this now then don't continue on! If you do, don't get caught! This story is copyright by vhere who retains all rights. If you want to use it, in any way, send me a mail, I'm sure we will find an agreement. ABOUT THE STORY I ask for your leniency because I have mitigating circumstances: 1- This is my first attempt to wright a story. 2- I am French, so my English is far from perfect (if you mail me you will understand what I mean in my answer!) So try to be kind and positive in your criticisms!! Send them to vhere@hotmail.com SPECIAL THANKS It's my pleasure to thank Christian who helped me so much in the writing of the story. Without him and his talented bilinguism "Love is worth all the risks" should have remained a project for a long time. He has been a scrupulous proofreader and a very helpful teacher. I don't know how to pay him back all the time he spent on my work!! I owe him my first publication. I'll never forget it. WARNING WARNING WARNING WARNING WARNING Don't forget it's only a story and not real life, so, IN YOUR LIFE ALWAYS PRACTICE SAFE SEXE And now the show can go on! CHAPTER 8: The price of truth. One more time I buried myself in my work to avoid my worries, to forget all that shit. I just had a quick sandwich and I worked until past midnight, so I would be exhausted enough to sleep at the first contact with my pillow. It didn't work very well and I had an awful night. The next morning I was sick. Sick from to much work, sick from to much emotions, sick from fear. I felt like a very little boy, going to school for the first time in his life, terrorized. I had to struggle so hard just to get off my bed!! I stayed half an hour under the shower. During the last 5 minutes I used only cold water, I thought it might give me energy. Perhaps it was just masochism. I was unable to eat so I rushed to school. I knew that, being early, I would be alone on my way to school and and still alone in school for a few minutes. I know, it was quite childish! Just a way to keep a two hours delay before confronting all the others outside the safety of the classroom. I sat down, waiting for the beginning of the class, deeply buried in my file. I still had the excuse of the oral report to keep a wall between the world and me. Mrs. Salinger came in and asked me: "Matt, I need some time to complete our last lesson, do you mind if I do it just now and give you the last 30 minutes for your oral report?" Of course I agreed. During the lesson I glanced furtively through the class, one or two guys seemed to be looking weirdly at me but the others seemed normal, not specially focused on me. It would change quickly during the day I thought. Once, my eyes crossed Taylor's. I saw fear in them but mostly I saw sadness and sorrow. I understood he was hurting badly. Suddenly I heard Mrs. Salinger speaking to me: "Matt, my desk is now yours. We are all waiting for your oral report." I stood up and went to the desk. I spent a few seconds organizing my papers, then I had to raise my head. When I saw all these eyes focused on me I went blank and I started shivering. I had to lean against the desk. "Are you OK Matt?" asked Mrs. Salinger with concern in her voice. "Yes I am OK, just a little bit nervous." It was hard to begin but after the first few words all went pretty well. The fear prevented me from thinking clearly but I had worked so much on the topic that I did all my speech in auto-pilot. It was as if somebody else was speaking, not me. After my last word Mrs. Salinger applauded and so did most of the students. "Congratulations Matt! You did a very very good job! I couldn't have done better." I blushed a little and went back to my chair. I was about to sit down when I felt the need to do something. "Excuse me Mrs. Salinger, could you give me five more minutes, I still have something to say." "Of course, what is it about?" "Kind of personal stuff, I know it's unusual but I really need to say it now!" "Go on! What could I refuse to you after such a great performance!!" I went back to the desk and sat down. First I stared at all of them, then I fixed the wall in front of me as to speak to anybody and nobody at the same time. "What I have to tell is, in some way, related to my oral report. The struggle for liberty means that everyone of us as some basic rights, especially a right to a private life and the right to be oneself without being discriminated. My right to my private life is going to be denied so I have to face it even though I would have preferred to keep things for myself. My right to be myself will be between your hands when you know what I have to say." I took a deep breath. "I am in love. I know it's not unusual at 17 but please wait until the end before begenning to giggle! Being in love I made a mistake. I did things with the person I love in an inadequate place." I heard two or three voices asking "who?" "I'll not tell you the name, you don't have to know it. The only thing you have to know, and I prefer you to know it from me than from the rumor is that the person is... is... is a boy. I don't think it's anyone business but as somebody has discovered it and is going to tell it all over the place I prefer to do it myself. I am ... gay. I have always been gay. I can't help it. It's not something I chose, It's something I am. I am not different from what I was yesterday or last week, or last year. I am still the Matt than most of you have always known. I never told it partly because I feared to be rejected and partly because I think it's my private life." They were silent, more silent than I ever heard a class since first grade. Not a giggle, not a whisper, hardly a breath. They were staring at me in disbelief. I had a hard time controlling my building emotions. I wiped quickly two or three tears with my sleeve. "I hope you will accept me for who I am. I hope you will remain my friends." I stopped talking, I would have been unable to add a single word without crying. I raised my head in a futile attempt to hide my fears and I went to the door. " As you all want to know, I'll tell you the name!" Taylor's shivering voice broke the silence, resounding as a thunder clap even though it was hardly audible. "Don't do that Taylor! Please, stay out of that!" I pleaded. "Shut up Taylor!" said angrily Mrs. Salinger. "That's none of your business!" "Excuse me Mrs. Salinger, it's my business because this guy's name is mine. I had to do it Matt. I can't let you go through this alone, and I am ashamed I almost did." He said all of this his eyes never leaving mine. From that moment the world could hate me, I didn't care any more: I had my Taylor back. His love was stronger than his fears and I knew how strong was his fears!!! At that very moment the bell rang for the ten minutes morning break.Taylor took his books and joined me at the door. We went out together. Nobody had moved nor said a word. I just saw Mrs. Salinger sending me a weak smile as I opened the door. We went to our lockers to take our books for the next lesson. "You didn't have to do this Taylor but I am very happy you did it and I'll never thank you enough for the help. It's the hardest thing I ever did." "You made the right choice. You really had guts to come out on your own rather than being outed. At first I thought you were crazy then I understood it was the right thing to do!" "I didn't plan it. I just felt I had to do it. But you are the one who have guts, because you didn't have to come out! you chose to do it!" "Do you think so? I don't know how has been your last weekend but mine has been seedy. I felt so empty without you, so coward to stay away from you, so shabby to dump you at the moment you needed so much help, I couldn't bear myself. I was unhappy, unhappy but unable to confront the situation. When you came out this morning, all made sense at once.I was fearing my life would be hell!! But being away from you is hell! Where you are is paradise. Where you are is the place I belong. I need you Matt! I can't stay away from you! I can't deny the love I have for you! It's more important than my life. At that moment I remembered what Lucia told you: 'love is worth all the risks'. She is right, absolutely right because the worst risk is to lose love. When I understood I was balancing between the protection of my reputation and the protection of my love, I had no longer any choice. I just hope that one day you will forgive me for having been so coward." "Don't ever call my boyfriend a coward anymore! I couldn't bear it. I would like to be in an other place to show you how blameless you are for me. I never stopped to love you, even yesterday I loved you more than the previous day, and just now I love you more than yesterday." He smiled, and for the first time since Friday it was not a powerless weak smile, but a loving caring one. I saw Lucia at the other end of the hall and I waved at her. She came to us giving tough stares to Taylor. "How has been your morning bro? Isn't it too difficult to be ALONE to confront the whole school?" She said that clearly, ignoring Taylor. "I am no longer alone! I came out in front of the whole class. I had the feeling it was the best thing to do, as it was inevitable. But the most amazing event is that Taylor came out too." She remained silent, the mouth wide opened for a few seconds then she turned to Taylor. "You did it! You really did it??? But why???" "Why? I thought you were the one to say that love is worth all the risks? I don't know if I deserve your brother but I know I love him." "Excuse me Taylor!" She hugged him tightly. "You deserve him! What you did proves it. I am really happy you are together again. Matt was so depressed yesterday, I was very concerned. And then, what happened, how did they react?" "Nothing yet! We came out at the end of the lesson and our only feed-back were the thickest silence I've ever heard!!" "I have been asked by two or three persons in my class about you" said Lucia, "and each time I replied: 'that is none of your business nor mine, if you want to know more, just ask Matt'. But I am sure they are more curious than courageous so I don't think they'll disturb you!" At the end of the break we returned to our classroom. It was as if everybody around us was whispering or glancing at us. The news can spread quickly in a high school, especially big news in small high schools, and that was a big one!! The first declared gay students of the school! The first stares I intercepted was incredulous, surprised, stupefied. I received some weak and discreet (very discreet) smiles. I didn't see anger, hate or disgust so I thought it would be OK quite quickly. I was wrong. The next few days were waiting days, a necessary period to establish the rules. Not the official ones, those students would apply. There was none because the case never occurred. Of course we all made jokes about gays but never had to deal with them amongst us. So until Tuesday we still had a few "hello" or "goodbye" even some handshakes. Then it went worse and worse. The intolerance party had won in the rules definition. Hell began. On Thursday morning we had our first real crisis. Taylor and me were chatting in the hallway, a few minutes before our first lesson, when I heard a very loud voice. "Get out of my way faggot!!" I turned and made a step backward to ease the way to Ronald, a big guy, captain of the football team, and I continued to chat with Taylor. "I can't bear to have a fucking faggot in my way even in my view. They shouldn't exist so I am going to do as if they didn't exist." I didn't pay any attention to his words. Taylor and I were ready for this situation and we had both decided to resist to any provocation, to ignore them. "So next time I'll not warn you any more and you better get out of my way... And you could look at me when I talk to you!" I turned and looked at him straight in the eyes. "Are you finished so I can go on with my conversation?" "I just want you to be out of my way, for your own safety!" "You have already said it!" "Yes and I want to be sure you understood it, little piece of shit!" "I understood." He turned to his friends, six other guys from the team, including Eric (you remember, my sister's crush!). "You see how courageous he is!" Then to me. "You disgust me!" "I can see it." "You are such a coward, letting anybody call you names without any reaction. I don't know why I don't beat the shit out of you just now, it's all you deserve." "Listen to me Ronald, you can think and say what you want, it's your right. I don't agree with a single word of what you said but I am sure I can't change the way you think so I won't even try! It would be a lost cause, because you didn't come to speak with me but to shout how I disgust you. I can understand you but I don't have to agree and now the show is over! OK?" "You could at least try to defend yourself, you are just a baby doll!!" "Yes that's it, we both are baby dolls and you guys have to be seven to beat the shit out of us! And, of course, WE are the cowards. I'll not get involved into a fight as long as I don't have to protect myself from any physical abuse. If I have to fight I'll do it even though I hate that, but be sure I'll never be the one who initiates it!" I had said the whole thing looking him and his friends straight in the eyes. Some of them seemed feeling uneasy. "You can say all you want and call me all the names you know! I don't care! No provocation will be successful. But if you hit me, I'll defend myself and I am not so bad at it, just ask Robert. Do you agree Taylor? "Yes, I do, absolutely! If I can, I'll avoid fights. If I have no choice... Let's go Matt or we will be late for class." They didn't say a word when we went our way to class. "Woooooa!!!" said Taylor, "man, you have the guts to speak to these hunks the way you did! They were seven! I was absolutely terrorized even if I tried to hide it!" "So was I, but I remembered we were at school with a lot of people around us so they couldn't kill us!! what could they do? Threw a few punches? It was worth the risk. Now everybody knows that we will stand up so they will think twice before bullying us, physically at least! And verbally they can say all they want, I don't care!" "You are so strong! I wish I could be like you!" he said sadly. "You are my strength Taylor. Without you I would not have challenged them. I did it for you, for us." He smiled warmly and that was all I needed to forget that bad day start. As days passed the rule became clear: apartheid. Not a word to us, neither a "hello" nor a "goodbye". Don't speak about hands contacts. It was as if we were plague stricken. No, it was worse. With plague stricken people fear physical contacts but they can still speak or look at you, show you signs of their concern or compassion. It was as we didn't exist anymore. The only contact we still had was some comments about faggots when we passed by one of the gay haters leaders. But the comment was never directed to us, just expressed in a general way and loud enough for us to hear it. From time to time I made eyes contacts (furtive ones) with some guy and I happened to see unease or even something like shame. So I knew that some of my ex-friends didn't care that much of my gayness, but social pressure was really very, very hard to resist. Nobody attempted to hit us anymore, we just had to suffer small and petty humiliations like dirty jokes written on the board before the class. About three weeks later, we discovered our lockers all pink painted and covered in big letters with faggot, cocksucker,... I'll not teach you the whole vocabulary, you know it!! That led us to the director office. We were a little worried not knowing what he would say, but he was great he just said: "I know you both have been having a hard time for a few weeks but I can't be of any help. I can't force people to accept you for who you are. I regret them being so close minded but I can't help with a regulation. We just can help by teaching them to be more tolerant and open-minded, and I have to confess that we failed in that part of our job. I can't help you in the relation with your peers but it doesn't mean I am powerless. So I want you to know that I'll never tolerate harassment of any kind against anybody in my school. So I'll make your lockers cleaned immediately and send a note to everyone to remind them that harassment will be punished by immediate dismissal for at least a week. I'll never tolerate it from students nor from teachers. You are not here to be judged but to be taught. The only thing we have the right to judge, the duty to judge is the quality of your school work. And as far as I know, your grades are amongst the best. So, if you see any sign of discrimination in one of your teachers' attitude just come and tell me, we'll discuss about it." "All our teachers act as they always did before" said Taylor. "I am happy to hear it. I have made that rule very clear for all of them two weeks ago when I heard about you and I wanted you to know it. My office door is always open. If you are in trouble and if I can help, I'll be glad to do it. Is that clear?" "Yes it is" we retorted standing up to leave. He stood up also and added: "I don't have to approve or disapprove your sexual preferences so I'll not do it, it's not my business. I just want to say I saw a lot of courage, dignity and strength in the way you deal with the situation. I wish those qualities would be shared by more people around the school." He offered us a handshake. "Thank you very much Sir" we both said. "You don't have to thank me. School has to be a safe place for everybody, and it'll remain a safe place as long as I am here. It's just one of your basic rights. Now go to your classes and continue to be the good students you have always been." By the beginning of the afternoon a note was put up all over the school about sanctions against harassment and our lockers was cleaned. We felt more secure in school but the behavior of our peers didn't change. Two weeks later, during an English lesson, Mr Mac Cain announced that he will team us by two to write an essay. He began to tell the names of the guys who were to work together. When it went to Taylor, he paired him with Jonathan. He used to be quite a good friend in the old time. Jonathan went blank and began to stammer. "Hum... Mr... Mac Cain... hum... a pro... problem..." "Is there any problem with you Jonathan?" "Hum.. yes .. a problem!" "And what kind of problem?" Taylor stood up and asked: "Please Mr Mac Cain, could I speak to you?" "I am listening." "More privately if possible?" He hesitated a second. "OK! Come here!" Taylor went to his desk, bent and began to speak in a very low voice nobody could hear. Three seconds later he made a sign for me to join them. When I arrived he was saying: "You know the situation Mr Mac Cain. Matt and me have been ostracized for a few weeks. There is no official rule but nobody is allowed to speak to us. Do you know why?" "Yes I do but I don't mind! During my classes nobody will be ostracized!! " "I can understand that and I would prefer it that way, but it's not and if you pair Jonathan with me, I am sure it will not change a thing for us, but it could become a very hard time for Jonathan! So please, would you accept to rearrange the teams and pair me with Matt?" "I don't know! What you ask me is against all my pedagogical rules!!" "I know Sir but I think we need time, some more time. Rushing the process will not solve the problem we are in!" "May I had something Sir?" I said "Jonathan is from a very religious family and his parents could forbid him to have any contact with us. He used to be a good friend so I would not like him to be in trouble because of this." "So there will not be any team! Everyone will have to do his own essay." "Please Sir don't do that or we will be blamed for it!!" "That's right and wouldn't be fair. OK I'll pair you two but I feel guilty of passive complicity and I don't like that. Return to your places." "Thank you Sir" we both said. Mr Mac Cain remained silent a few seconds. "Well class I changed my mind. Taylor will work with Matt and Jonathan with Mike." We saw the relief on Jonathan's face, such a relief that he smiled to us but very quickly cut eyes contact as he suddenly remembered who we were. "I also change the topic of the essay you'll have to write. I turn it into a dialog between two persons, A being ostracized and B ostracizing A. In this dialog B has to explain why he decided to ostracize A and A has to find arguments to prove B he is wrong. You can choose the reason of ostracism you want: religion, race, sex, skin color, political opinion or, if you are courageous enough to think about it, sexual orientations. The work has to be done for the end of next week. That's all for today." And he went to the door but before to open it he added: "I have always been proud to be a teacher, always but not today. Today I am not, not proud of you neither of me!" He left the classroom without an other word. All that shit could have undermined our love, it never did. When I go back to that time, I don't remember it exactly as a time of teen carefree joy, but I was quite happy, I mean we were quite happy. Of course I missed my friends, their jokes, the games with them, the meaningless talks and the impassioned ones. I missed their presence, their smiles, their laughs and it hurt very hard when I saw something from one of them I could understand as disgust. But I had Taylor. Our love got stronger. He could have blamed me for spoiling the great time he was beginning to have at school. He never did. He had forgiven me for the toilets incident, and his forgiveness was so genuine that he never mentioned it anymore, and when I tried he didn't let me finish. "It's over Matt, you have to stop worrying about that. It's something I don't even remember..." then he corrected... "it's not right. I remember the great pleasure we had there and I wish... I want your memory to be on the same wavelength as mine." We spent every day hours together (and most of the night hours during the weekends). We worked together, played together, watched movies, ate, walked together. We talked a lot and the better we got to know each other, the stronger our love grew. We had a lot in common and what we had not we learned to teach the other in. I learned to love opera, SF and jogging, he learned to love old movies and rapp music. We could spend hours talking about nothing but also hours silent and absolutely at ease. Sex was great and we drank an awful lot of our personnal liquors, never getting tired of it. In public we were very careful to avoid any sign which could have been seen as a provocation or could have hurt someone's feelings, even though I am still unable to understand how a sign of love could hurt anyone's feelings!! So we never hugged nor held hand in the open, we avoided any physical contact. But our bond was so strong he was obvious and even though our life was quite hard at that time (social life I mean) I detected some envious looks on us. The only friend we still had was Cathy. Two weeks after our coming out she called Taylor to tell him she was OK with us being gay and she apologized for staying away so long. She did the same to me. She explained that she has been at first very angry at me. When she understood she was angry at me not because I was gay but because I would never be in love with her, she decided she had to go over this selfish jealousy. Cathy's come back made all of us happy, including Lucia who was very cold to all our ex-friends ostracizing us. ------------------------------- All the authors like the feed-back, so I do!!! Don't forget it. You can even address your comments and criticisms in French!! vhere@hotmail.com