Loving You, Loving Me
Thanks to Sterling for editing and his continual support.
Big sorry for having abandoned you readers for a while. Had some changes in
my life, so haven't able to keep up the pace I've been writing the chapters
like before... but the story is back again.
Remember the long anticipated big kiss last time... what happens next? Something silently sweet.
What follows is a work of fiction. The story revolves around teenage gay males and includes sexual and other contents that may be offensive to some. If you think this might be the case, or if you are under the legal age in the area where you live, please do not read any further. Any resemblances to persons, names, or places are unintentional and mere coincidence. Please respect my efforts in writing this, and do not copy or reproduce any part of the story without my permission.
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I want to hold your hand
The Beatles © 1965
And when I touch you I feel happy inside.
It's such a feeling that my love
I can't hide, I can't hide, I can't hide.
Yeh, you've got that something,
I think you'll understand.
When I'll feel that something
I want to hold your hand,
I want to hold your hand,
I want to hold your hand.
-- -- -- -- -- -- --
"Give me your hand."
"Are you sure about this?"
"Give me your hand, and I'll hold onto you."
"Just reach out to me, and I'll hold onto you tightly," Leo said, as I slowly and hesitantly extended my hand, still unsure if it was a good idea. "I won't let you go. I promise."
Contact, slow at first, then followed by a firm and sturdy grip. However many times our hands held onto one another in the past few days, I still cannot describe those feelings that the touch triggers. Feelings that linger and swell me up inside, as if filling a void that for too long had been echoing emptily. Feelings that I seemed to be yearning for more and more, because they are so wonderfully overwhelming and pleasantly haunting.
Our fingers brushed against each other, and
bowed down together in harmony, as our palms met in a tight fit. His was warm
to the touch, so warm I felt my cold hands thaw. Once again, in those split
seconds after contact it was as if my breath was taken away, making it even
more difficult to breathe in the frosty winter air. My head, my stomach, my
skin tingled, the way you would touching a live wire, only this was satisfying
and my reflexes wouldn't immediately let go. I closed my eyes slightly and
indulged in the moment.
"I have you now!" His face was bright, even in the slowly darkening dusk sky. His sweet smile, decorated with dimples on either side, grew gracefully as I carefully stepped onto the ice. "Yeh! You made it! See it's not so bad, right Dave?"
We stood on a quiet canal, one that was
straight and long and stretched to the horizon far, far away. In warmer weather
the water is calm, clear and
My legs trembled a little while my body
lurched back and forth as I tried to balance myself, half-expecting to slip and
fall on the slippery surface. "It's really been a long, long time since I last
did this. I think I've forgotten how." Trees overhead rubbed their branches
together, like a still audience in silent anticipation of a show.
"Just stay close to me, Dave, and you'll feel comfortable on your feet again," he said, his other arm closing in around me to steady my balance. A light shower of snow drifted down on us.
"You're sure this ice is thick enough, right?" I asked, taking a careful step forward, and another, while Leo took me by the hand and slowly skated backward. With his woollen cap, which clung around his head tightly, pressing a few tufts of his hair onto his forehead, he looked amusingly child-like. And his now widening grin after my naïve question made it more convincingly so. His cheeks were so brilliantly red from the cold, or at least that's what I think made them blush that way.
"If anyone has to worry about breaking the ice, that would be me," he teased, "With that body of yours you have nothing to worry about." His other hand reached over and ran down the front of my chest. I felt his fingers brush against every indentation between every single rib, and understood what he meant.
"But you said you'd hold onto me and not let go," I answered, poking him on his firm chest with my finger and barely able to contain my smile, "So I guess if you go down, I'll go down with you then."
"Hm, be careful what you say, or you'll really be skating on thin ice!" He skated backwards a little more, but all I could do was follow by stepping forward the way you would when walking. The way my legs trembled as I tread forward reminded me of a toddler taking his first steps. "Uh, I think you have the wrong idea why we're here with our skates on, Dave. The name says it all. We're here to skate!"
"Oh, and I always thought they were just
conveniently oversized butcher knives you use with your feet."
"Silly you," he said as he gave me a light tap on the head, "Come on, I'll show you how to skate again." He leaned back and agilely skated backward and further away. As he let go of my hand, it suspended in mid-air for a couple of moments as if numbed and disappointed by the loss of contact before unwillingly lowering itself to my side. With no support to lean on, no Leo to hold onto, I felt vulnerable. My hands turned cold again in the drifting snow. They silently slid into the sleeves of my coat. My feet turned inward facing each other as my legs tensed in a struggling attempt to balance myself. The muffled noise of children laughing and screaming sounded in the distance.
My eyes never left Leo, and neither did his me. I traced the graceful movements of his feet, the warming smile on his face and the beautiful body which since that miraculous night on the beach has kept me company for many more miraculous moments.
"You see, Dave, the key is to keep on
moving. It's sort of like walking really. Left, right, left, right, and each
time you take a step you lean the weight of your body on that leg and just let
yourself glide on the ice. Are you listening, Dave?"
"Huh? Oh, uh, yeah. I guess," I blurted out erratically, blushing, because in fact I was so mesmerised by his movements and his soft voice the words themselves didn't seem to really register. I still could not believe that he and I have something together, something more than just friendship, something I had never had or felt toward another person.
He ground to a halt some distance away from me down the frozen canal. The sound of ice grinding against his blades rasped the air. "Why don't you try skating over to me?"
"I can try, but I have a bad feeling about this," I answered with my eyes rolling and my arms flapping up and down like a penguin in an attempt to maintain my balance.
"How about I reward you when you get here?"
"Oh, that sounds promising," I said, wondering what reward he had in mind for me. Could it be a long, passionate...? I felt my knees go weak at the thought, just as I needed to stand firm on the slippery ice. "I really hope it's worth risking falling flat on my face."
"You'll see. It's another of my special surprises," he teased, knowing full well how very, very `thrilled' I get trying to second guess the many surprises he seemed to have up his sleeve.
I eyed the distance that separated me from Leo, and somehow felt this urge to close the gap that had grown between us. He was merely a dozen metres away, but it felt like a dozen metres too many. Breathing in deeply, allowing my tingling warm insides to mix with the rush of cold air from the outside, I lurched forward.
"That's it, one foot, and then the other," he cheered on and clapped with enthusiasm and encouragement, "One and then the other, Dave. You can do it!" I felt like a proud little boy on the verge of accomplishing some remarkable feat.
Left foot, right foot, left foot, right foot. I felt myself glide slowly forward, as bit by bit the slippery ice passed beneath me. "I'm moving! I'm actually skating!" I shouted out, the unusual sense of zeal and joy in my voice sounding very foreign in my own ears. My skates made soft scraping sounds on the ice, like the sound of little kittens scratching, slowly scratching away the fears and doubt of my own abilities that consumed me before. One foot forward, and then the other, in an increasingly effortless rhythmic motion, one that seemed to gain momentum of its own as the weight of my body leaned forward with every step. I felt the wind on my face and hair as I accelerated.
"Almost here, Dave. Keep going!"
I glanced away from the icy surface that was moving faster and faster, and up at Leo who was just up ahead with his smile and arms spread wide open ready to receive me. I thought about the reward waiting for me. My heart rushed. Then I realised something terribly stupid, something that had escaped my mind completely as I mindlessly rushed to close the distance between Leo and me as quickly as I could. "LEO! H—o—how do I stop?"
"WHAT?! You don't know how to stop?" he
shouted, as the smile on his face vanished and was replaced by a concerned
frown, "You have to break, Dave. Brake!"
"How? HOW?" I couldn't stop, and however I tried to move my feet the ice beneath seemed to be flashing by faster and faster, as the distance between a now obviously worried Leo shortened more and more.
"Shift both your feet a little diagonally in one direction. You'll brake that way!"
I frantically tried what he instructed, but it wasn't working. I had lost all control over my bearing and speed, and neither foot seemed to want to cooperate. The slippery surface beneath me was scratched with criss-crossing scribbles, confused markings in the frozen face of the canal, and sprinklings of chipped ice. The images of the bodies of other skaters around me passed by in a confusing blur. Seeing all that flash by that did nothing to soothe my rising anxiety. My body flew forward, like a runaway train, uncontrollable, unpredictable and unstoppable. Trailing behind me, a streak of hot steam from my gaping mouth. "Uh, Leo, you might want to get out of the WAY!"
He didn't budge, and just stood there, with his arms open, ready to receive me. "I'll catch you, Dave. Just grab onto me, alright?"
As I darted closer and closer, the clearer and clearer the fine features of his face became. Though everything happened so fast it all seemed like a blur, the seconds slowed as he looked deeply into my wide open eyes and silently communicated to me that there was nothing to be worried about. With a soft smile and outstretched hands he silently said that he would save me, halt me and hold me like he had done before. "Brace for impact!"
And collide with him I did, with a muffled thump as our jackets bumped and brushed against each other. My momentum pushed him back a little, sending him stumbling hard backwards a few steps. He quickly closed his arms around my entire body. I heaved a sigh of relief as I felt warm again, safe again in his embrace. His scent tickled my senses, suppressing the anxieties of having just lost control over myself, and my tense muscled relaxed one by one. The tall tree trunks on either side of the canal stood still and watched as two boys' bodies collided and merged and slid on as one. The bare branches held high above the trunks shifted up and down a little in silent approval.
Just as I thought the worst was over, my right foot suddenly snagged on an unknown uneven bump on the surface, sending the entire weight of my body slipping down and out of Leo's grasp.
"Ahhhh!" I screamed as I sunk under and in between his parted legs. My back hit the ice hard and my eyes involuntarily shut tightly from the sudden pain. Thankfully I shrunk my neck like a turtle in peril just in time and held my chin down against my chest. I winced and tried to regain my senses and my breathing.
Blades made a loud scrapping sound. "Incoming!" Leo yelled out frantically. The moment my eyelids opened, his body collapsed on me like a felled tree. Leo lay spread-eagled on top of me, his head dug into the right side of my face, while his chest rested on my own heaving chest. His firm abdomen and groin were aligned on top of mine, and his arms sprawled loosely on either side of me. There was an initial pain from the sudden unexpected impact. But that pain was soon to be triumphed over by the realisation of a strange sense of pleasure in our awkward but exciting newly found position. I felt his warm breath which was trapped in the little gap between the ice and my cheeks.
"Ouch!" I said, "I thought you're the great skater here. What made you fall?"
"You!" Leo said as he lifted and tilted his head up a few centimetres above my own, "I tried to grab hold of you to keep you from falling, but instead of pulling you up, you pulled me down!" He face was so close to mine that his words escaped from his mouth along with warmth that moistened my lips. I could feel his heartbeat, and the reality of our bodies so very close together and only separated by a few layers of clothing aroused me so.
"Hm, I guess I spoke too soon when I said earlier if you go down, I'll go down with you, huh?"
"Yeah, that was naughty, Dave!" he grinned, as his breath brushed over the contours of my face. My vision of his perfect lips, his flawless cheeks, his beautiful blue eyes were instantly decorated with mystic white mist. "And naughty Dave won't get his reward now."
Random people skated near us, disappearing and appearing and disappearing again from the corner of my eyes like busy bees. My ears were mere centimetres from the surface of the canal that I could hear a confusion of low rumbles echo in the way tracks would as a train neared. But our eyes were so transfixed onto each other that who these people were or what they looked like seemed as insignificant as the awkward position we were in.
"Aww," I sighed and puckered my lips like a disappointed puppy, "I was so looking forward to that." His hand reached for mine.
"No, no reward because you were terrible skating, and made me fall. And now look at us in this awkward position. It's no fun at all with you!" His eyes narrowed and his lips tightened together in an attempt not to laugh. Though his weight was getting heavy on me, and though the cold ice managed to seep through and chill my back, I wanted this moment to last. I felt a bulge against my crotch. `Someone' must be enjoying this as much as I was.
"No reward," I sighed dramatically, "I hope there's no punishment either."
"Oh, you're the one who brought it up, Dave. So I guess I should punish you." His fingers trailed softly on the insides of my palms, sending vibrations and sensations teeming throughout my arm. The same arm that gradually numbed from the cold now thawed and regained life again.
"Please be merciful, kind sir. I know I was bad, but I promise I won't do it again!"
"We'll see once you receive the punishment," he said, his breath closer and warmer. A sprinkling of snowflakes lay sparkling on his long lashes.
"Oh, I hope it's not too harsh. Please be gentle."
I closed my eyes and awaited my sentence. All else faded away, all the sounds, all the sights.
I felt his breath even closer and warmer than before. My body shuddered as moist lips met mine, brushing them, teasing them, smoothening them ever so gently, ever so soothingly. My breathing stopped, and the chill I felt on my back, legs, arms evaporated as I was thrust into a blissful state of drunkenness.
His lips lifted and my eye lids unwillingly opened from the sweetest erotic dream. "Was that gentle enough, Dave?" In my mind his rosy lips seemed to be burning, seemed to be steaming, and I could not get enough of that passionate heat. His fingers latched onto mine, our hands clasping together like warm mittens.
I sighed softly, feeling the butterflies dance and flutter their colourful, magical wings in my chest. "If that was punishment maybe I should be naughtier from now on." I felt myself smile, and Leo did the same in reply.
"Are you two OK?" A foreign voice from out of the blue disturbed our little escape from the world around us. Our faces simultaneously turned to the right to see a pair of legs dressed in khaki trousers. Scanning upward, the legs belonged to a middle-aged man with visible wrinkles around his eyes, and tufts of thinning and graying hair. Seeing us, lying there, in that most awkward and most intimate of positions made his face instantly cloud. Seeing we were two boys, that is.
There were a few moments of absolute silence, the kind of silence which consumes everything and comes when you are caught in the act of something you are not supposed to be doing. I felt the butterflies morph into caterpillars bristling with poison in my chest. The look on the man's face was one of unspoken displeasure and disapproval. A look that channelled the word `shame' through the space between us that drifted with cold, cold flakes.
Leo shifted his weight off of me, and
supported himself to stand up again with his hands. I scrambled to sit up on
the ice, my arms resting on my knees, my head hung downward. "We're fine," Leo
said firmly, without a trace of fear or embarrassment in his voice, as if
nothing ever happened, "Just had an accident that's all."
"Yeah. I'm sure. Accident." There was an absolute disdain in the man's voice, as well as distrust and disgust. "Better keep your `accident' somewhere private."
I didn't look up, but felt the unexpected embarrassment and shame rise and rise. The air was oppressive, and the temperature seemed to have suddenly plummeted. It did not help that I was sitting on the frozen surface of the canal, and that my jeans were soaking through. But I did not want to get up. I could not get up. I remained sitting there like a little boy, head down, arms on my knees, with two giants towering around me. A frightening image, a mind-numbing déjà vu, so very reminiscent of when... The flakes that fell in all their fluffiness and free movements, stunningly before, became heavy and chilling.
"Appreciate your concern," Leo replied, still unflinchingly firm despite the strange man's snide remarks. "We're fine on our own, thank you very much."
From the corners of my eyes I saw the feet budge and heard blades screech on the ice as the man began moving away. There was a low mutter. I could not hear what was said, but was sure it was not pleasant. I lifted my head up a little, peeking carefully around to see if it was safe to look. A hand ruffled through my hair a little and went on to rest in mid-air before my face. "Hey, you can get up now, Dave."
I looked up, and was unexpected greeted by
Leo's warm smile. In the space between our eyes, snow flakes lightly flew and
danced once more. I was overcome by shame, and besieged by a nagging voice
inside my head which continuously told me that I did not deserve such a warm
smile, that I did not deserve to be looked at by such soft beautiful eyes. The
nagging voice repeatedly whispered in my ears. It was a word I dreaded hearing,
one that brought me to the brink of tears: coward, coward, coward...
"Come on, Dave. Take my hand," he said so softly again as he extended his hand and opened his palm. My eyes caressed the long, smooth fingers, but I was still hesitant to reach out. Or perhaps scared to reach out. The man's voice and penetrating stare of disapproval and disgust were imprinted on my muddled mind. "Dave, it's OK now. That obnoxious man is gone now."
I felt like a little boy trying to hide, trying to shield the sense of shame and guilt away from the rest of the world, but there was nothing to hide behind. And the image of myself sitting there on the ice, exposed to the cold, to the damp, to the drifting flakes of untainted white made me feel ever so vulnerable. "OK, if that's the way you're going to be..." Leo said, as he effortlessly and elegantly skated behind me. Before I knew it, and before I could protest, I felt two strong arms clamp under mine and lift my entire body up, up, up until I was standing on my skates again. "There you go," he said, as he skated in front of me again, circling around me like I was the centre of the world. The whole time one of his arms rested comfortably and comfortingly on my shoulder.
"Whatever it is you're thinking about, let it go," he said, as if he could decipher the doubt and fear in my eyes. He moved closer toward me and leaned his forehead on mine as he softly spoke again: "Don't let that grandpa ruin our fun together, Dave." His hands tightened around my shoulders in a subtle but assuring show of support.
I nodded, our foreheads and strands of our hair caressing gently against each other. "I'm sorry, Leo. I didn't know what to say. I didn't know what to do. I felt so intimidated by the look on his face. I felt the memories flood back again."
"Oh, Dave," he gasped and put his arms around me so tightly that I winced initially from the unexpected hug, only to loosen up again as the calming scent of his fragrance and the soothing warmth of his breath won me over. "Don't you ever let anyone make you feel like you're worthless. You're much more than that. So much more than that, Dave."
"Uh, OK..." That was all I could say. Whether I was really OK was not important, not at that moment in Leo's arms, not when the cold, damp rest of the world was shielded away by a body that seemed so sturdy and strong. I rested my cheek against his and felt a passionate flame engulf my chest as I longed for his lips. My hands, which dangled idly by my side before, went up to rest on his hips, my fingers silently fumbling and exploring.
"Do you want to skate a little more?"
"Yeah, sure," I answered, "But stay close to me this time."
"I will," he said, and then circled around me and ended up behind me again, "I'll guide you from here." He placed both hands on my sides and gave me a little nudge. "Just do what you were doing before. I'll be right behind you wherever you go, Dave."
With a deep breath of cold, fresh air I felt my mind clear and refresh. Knowing that Leo was behind me, and actually feeling his breath on the back of my neck, charged me with the strength to go on, to try, to skate on however slippery the ice, however painful the fall. Left, right, left, right. I resumed the rhythmic movements with my feet, with each step forward the skates let out soft scraping sounds on the ice, again slowly scratching away the fears and doubts from before. Behind me Leo's feet echoed in harmony.
I did not know what made me laugh, but laugh I did. A slight chuckle at first, but one which grew and grew, rooting its life from an unknown source of joy which spread like pollen in the air. Leo was not immune. As I momentarily turned back and as our eyes met, he too broke out laughing. The trees started nodding in silent approval again in the slight wind. Two robins danced on the bare branches, their breasts brightly red, blushing with the colour of love.
We sped forward like a human chain, linked together by Leo's hands which held onto my hips. Our breaths of white smoke met in the cold air and trailed and disappeared together behind us.
Instinctively, I raised my arms to the side and imagined myself as an airplane, soaring freely in the heavens. Leo seized the moment to come to my side and slide under my arm. Together, with spread out arms and smiles, we darted forward, braving the snow and the cold. Sometimes a fluffy flake would land on my lashes, and my vision would become a blur of white. Blinking it away, I would be able to see clearly again. See the long stretch of seemingly endless and smooth mirror before us, a mirror which captured the opaque image of two red-cheeked boys sliding and gliding on the ice together. Their movements free, their laughter innocent, their feelings pure.
We arrived at a bridge and could go no
further. Leo held me by the arms and we came to a stop. Our eyes met and never
let go of each other as he once again circled around me, the way the moon circles
the earth, before finally coming to a stop right in front of me. "That was fun,
"Yes, yes," I replied mindlessly as all I could think of was to draw those soft pouty lips onto mine. I could not resist anymore. I leaned forward and pulled his head toward mine. First I offered him a few tender pecks on the cheeks. Making the initiative to show my affection towards him was completely new, but instead of the usual embarrassment and uncertainty, it felt liberating. The realisation of those heartfelt intentions felt powerful, like I was somehow gaining control over my tattered life bit by bit.
As if he understood and wanted what I wanted, his hand reached for my face and directed it gently to the warmth of his waiting lips. Something about a kiss makes it more sensual, more arousing, more powerful than touch of any other kind. Our lips locked and embraced each other, warmth and itching sensations passing and reverberating through the contact. As if it was too much to handle, we simultaneously broke off the contact, our eyes stared deeply and feverishly into that of the other. His hands ran up my back and reached down to my bum, fondling and caressing it with such amazing gentleness.
Just as my lips were beginning to chill in the wind and snow, Leo's tongue explored their surfaces, sending waves of passionate heat melting each and every tense and aching muscle in my body. My shy tongue was lured out by his. They met in the tight space between our lips, touching and tickling each other tenderly. His breath was heavy, almost panting and almost as if he were out of breath. I felt a rush in my head and could have easily slipped and fallen at his feet were it not for his tender arms which held onto me.
"It's getting late. How about we go home?"
"Whatever you like, Dave."
"How about my place?"
He stopped panting. He seemed to stop breathing altogether. "I—I thought you'd never ask."
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