Date: Mon, 5 Sep 2011 18:15:22 -0400 From: Jesse Jesse Subject: Matthew, My Love Chapter 1 Looking back, all of what I'm about to tell seems like a dream; one of those "too strange to be true" stories. First, I suppose I should explain a little about myself. My story is not by any means your typical "hunk meet's hunk" story. I am most definitely not a hunk, and my being critical of myself has always been my biggest problem. Until Matthew, I couldn't find anything about my life that I liked, much less loved. Anyway, I am not your athletic type. I'm not obese by any means. In fact, I'm what some would say a "runt," kinda short and scrawny. Matthew, on the other hand, is in my eyes perfect. He's taller than me, dirty blonde hair, blue eyes, sexy, mischievous smile, and naturally athletic build. ( Not one of those muscle-bound guys that you see on soap operas or pro wrestling that walk with "gorilla arms." ) Matthew is, to me, the sweetest, kindest, most considerate person I've ever known. He saw me at a time when I didn't want to be seen, and my life has never been the same. Matthew and I went to the same school, the local county high school. Matthew was everything that I was not. He was the school's star athlete. He played almost every sport on the school roster, and because of being the "star," was naturally the envy of all the guys, and the talk of all the girls in school. Matthew, however, was completely oblivious to this fact. Yes, he was the guy that "everyone's my best friend," guy and girl. I, on the other hand, am, as I said, not athletic. Sometimes I feel as though I've accomplished a great feet making it through the school halls without tripping over my own feet. I was your typical nerd, excelling far beyond most in my classes, preferring music to athletics, and running home as fast as possible so as not to miss shows like Star Trek, and to catch up on my LOTR trivia. Matthew was extremely outgoing and talkative. I still tease him and tell him he's never met a stranger. I, on the other hand, was an introvert, preferring to work alone. I was often mocked in class for being so shy that I would hardly speak up in class to answer a question from my teacher. For anyone who has suffered shyness, you know I speak the truth when I say that shyness and being self-critical can be almost debilitating. The only things that Matthew and I seemed to share in common were the classes that saw us in the same room, Band and PE. Those were the hours in which I would take every possible opportunity to stare at Matthew until it was absolutely impossible to continue without being noticed. You see, my biggest fear was being singled out, especially for "being a queer." Matthew and I attended a small county high school in the mountains of NC, right smack in the middle of the bible belt. To be labeled "queer" was still to live a life of ridicule, and sometimes still be subjected to violence. So, for months on end I watched Matthew from afar, being careful not to be sighted staring or drawing attention to myself. My life was, however, not to stay a secret for long. It wasn't that I was "outted" or something. Nobody knew the truth. I had tried to make very sure to hide my feelings for Matthew even from my closest of friends. No, the worst moment of my life came one day while simply walking home from school. Since my home was just a short walk along one of the old gravel roads from the school, I chose to walk home to avoid having to speak to anyone. It was on one of those walks home that I was approached by Buddy. Jonathan, called "Buddy" by everyone, was another one of the star athletes, yet unlike Matthew, this giant of a jock was anything but likeable and sweet. Buddy was your typical stupid, bully jock. He was constantly followed by his small gang of idiots that adored his every move, and made every effort to be exactly like him. Buddy had made my life a living hell every time I'd had to be around him in class, making loud, rude comments about "people too stupid to talk." I tried to avoid him at all costs. I had seen Buddy eying me and whispering something to his pack as I went by on the way home. I had ignored their laughs and sneers and just kept on going. Pulling up next to where I was walking home, however, Buddy made it impossible to ignore him this time. "Hey!" I turned on my heel and was met face to face with Buddy getting out of his car and leering over me. "You're that braniac kid that's in my history class! I need a favor. I've got a report due tomorrow on NC's involvement in the Civil War, and I need you to write it." I continued walking a few steps down the road, quickening my pace as I did. Buddy was trouble; he'd proven that time and time again at my expense. "Didn't you hear me, you ass-hole?! I said I want you to do this report for me." I could hear several of Buddy's friends laughing idiotically in the car. I tried to continue as though I hadn't heard him, but after being ignored a second time, Buddy became angry. "You stupid faggot! You're too stupid to even talk to anybody. You're not ignoring me!" At this, I felt myself being shoved down on the ground face-first. Now, I know what I'm about to say is almost impossible to believe, but again, there is such a thing as being dangerously shy, such a thing as being so backward and awkward that you don't even try to defend yourself. So, the next thing I felt was Buddy's foot connecting with my abdomen repeatedly, and when he had tired of pounding my gut, he started on my head and throat. Repeatedly Buddy kicked my stomach and head, cursing and spitting as he did. By the time any sense of self-defense really struck me, it was too late. The rest of Buddy's gang had gotten out of the car, and I saw that one had a baseball bat. I was in a mental state of panic. I knew I was going to die. I don't know how long Buddy and his followers kicked and beat on me, but it seemed like eternity. The last thing I remembered was hearing Buddy curse and drive away, and then my world went black... "Hey, are you okay?" I was still alive. I felt as though I'd been run over by a tractor and trailer, but I was still alive. My body ached all over, and my eyes were swelled shut, but I WAS alive. The voice talking to me now seemed familiar. " Are you alright?" It was Matthew! I tried to speak, but found the only thing I could do was nod. My throat felt as though someone was slicing it over and over with a dull knife, and my mouth tasted full of blood. "Listen, don't try to speak. You're in the hospital. I found you on the side of the road and thought you were dead. When I saw you were still breathing, I brought you to the emergency room. The doctor's already been to check you over, and they're waiting on the test results." All I could do was nod. "I know you from one of my classes. Isn't your name Alex?" Another nod. "Yeah, I thought so. You're the kid that is such a brainiac!" Despite my face being swollen, I still felt as though I turned redder than any apple. "Hey, I'm sorry. I shouldn't have said that. I sure wish I was that smart. I...," but the he was not to continue because the doctor came shuffling in. "Well, Alex, I see you've woken up. I'm afraid I have some bad news. We've been examining your voice box, and it's not looking good. Whoever this was did some serious damage to your throat. You may not be able to talk any more." I couldn't hear the rest of what the doctor said. It all seemed a blur as tears streamed down my face through my swollen eyes. this was what my life had come to? This could not be happening! "Doc, is there anything that can be done?" Matthew was still be in the room with me. "Well, I'm afraid that's something we're just gonna have to wait and see. I've already called Alex's parents and told them he's gonna be in here for a while. We'll just have to see if surgery's an option, or if there's a chance that his throat can, somehow, heal on it's own. He`ll miss quite a bit of school, because of us having to monitor his progress. Maybe you and other friends can come by and visit!" I regained enough composure to waive my hands, trying to tell Matthew that he didn't have to be obligated to me or anything. "Of course I'm coming by! Intend to be by every day to check on him!" This COULD NOT be happening. Not only had I just been told that I'd never be able to talk again, but not I was gonna have to endure daily visits? Oh, I know. This was Matthew, the guy I'd watched for two years already, but the circumstances were too much! It was bad enough being so desperately shy without thinking that the guys I liked would look at me as a pity case. This could not happen! But it did...