Date: Thu, 27 Jun 2002 06:32:21 +0000
From: David Logann <davidlogann432@msn.com>
Subject: My Awakening. (Intro) Part One (t/t HS)

This story is true,(it is really!) It is based on my life so far. This
is my first time writing so be patient with me if it gets a little
jumbled. This first part is where the major part of my life began to
take form. I was really fighting with myself and was unsure on how my
life would proceed. The names and places mentioned have been changed
of course, but other than that this is a collection of all my memories
and feelings when this all began. Please e-mail me at
davidlogann432@msn.com with any comments. (I do want to hear some and
I will relpy!) No flamers or hate mail though, I'll just delete 'em.

DISCLAIMER: If you are under the age of 18 or are offended by sex
between males, please do not read any further.

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Chapter One
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    My day began like almost every other morning; my eyes tore
themselves open from their deep sleep as the shrill of the alarm clock
ripped me awake. I slipped my hand from underneath my stomach and
slapped it down on the snooze button. The screaming was silenced, ahhh
tranquility once again. I rolled off my front and onto my back
wrapping myself deeper into the cocoon of my blankets. I laid there
perfectly content for what seemed like half of a moment when my mother
tapped her fist against my door. My eyes opened into slits as my peace
was once again disturbed, "What?"

"Are you out of bed yet," uh-oh she had that tone this
morning.

"Yeah mom I am up now," I sat up and rubbed the sleepers out
of my eyes with my fists. God, what I would give to just curl up and
go back to sleep right now.

"Well you better hurry up young man, if I get another call at
work today from the school your in for it." The sharpness of her tone
left no room for argument this morning.

"Ok I am up mom, I going to the shower right now." I crawled
out of bed and threw on my housecoat, going through my daily routine
of trying to hide my morning hard-on. Jeez I turn fifteen and it seems
that through out the day I am never with out one, oh well. I stumbled
out of my room and down the extremely bright hallway towards the
bathroom. I fiddled with the taps and once I hit that perfect
temperature I stripped and jumped in. I just stood there for a moment
and basked in the warmth of the water pouring over my body. I could
stay here forever too, but then I bit the bullet and began to scrub
down. The thought to indulge my teenage libido quickly skipped across
my mind, but I quickly dismissed that idea, as my mother was testy as
it was this morning. Don't want to spend too much time in here. So,
with a sigh, I shut the water of and jumped out grabbing a towel to
dry off. I slipped my robe on once again and went to my room.

I took my robe off and jumped into some blue briefs, now just
getting over the chill that came after exiting the shower. I grabbed
some clothing from my closet, but before I closed the door I stared at
the reflection in the mirror. God, how I wished that I would mature
faster, I was to short! Just over five feet, I was the second shortest
person in my entire grade. Most of the other guys had had their damn
growth spurts and where close to six feet, while I was left in the
dust. My hand brushed the sandy brown hair off my temple and I
contemplated what I would look like if I was a foot taller, had blue
or green eyes instead of brown, and was way more toned!  My mom said I
was 'cute' anyways, but she just said that because I was her son. So
with my thoughts dwindling on how I was a short skinny kid, I walked
over to my bed to go through the morning drudgery of getting dressed.
Once I finished I went downstairs and sat at the table to eat some
coco-puffs while my mother furiously tried to prepare our lunches.

My sister sat across from me eating her own cereal as she
looked over some books from school. She was eighteen months younger
than I was but almost looked older than me, hell she was just one inch
shy of being as tall as me. If she were a boy she would look just like
me, if of course you cut her long hair off and removed her 'female
endowments'. That didn't matter though I still could beat her in one
of our more than common 'sibling wrestling matches'. This morning was
no different; I just had to torment her. "So what, to busy screwing
around your boyfriend last night to get your homework done Jessie." A
smirk crept its way across my face as I waited for the up coming hyena
reaction from her.

"No I am just reading over some notes for my test this morning
in math." She was surprisingly calm this morning, but I knew I would
get her going.

"Why, to busy smooching with Kevin in the corner during class
when you should be listening." Right then I knew I got her because her
face went beat red and she dropped her spoon in the bowl.

"NO, UNLIKE YOU I STUDY FOR MY TESTS!" Her voice hit that high
shrill that somehow reminded me of my alarm clock, but funny. "And
stop HASSLING me about Kevin God damn it! Your just jealous that I
have a boyfriend and the fact that you could never get a girl if you
DIED TRYING!" Now it was time to defend my honor.

"Well I could get a girl if I really wanted too, but all the
girls in our school lack that special thing I am looking for," Ha I
thought, "And I don't study cause I, unlike you, can retain more than
two sentences that the teacher says before I forget them and drift off
in to 'Kevin Land,'" I rolled my eyes up into my skull, clapped my
hands together, and sighed right after I said that last part to
increase the effect. That was it; she jumped up off her chair and came
around the table, charging at me. I stood up and prepared for the up
coming battle.

"ENOUGH YOU TWO, FINISH YOUR BREAKFAST AND THEN GET TO SCHOOL,
I MEAN IT." My sister stopped dead in her tracks and we both looked at
our mother. Her face was aflame with fury as she stared us down; she
looked like she belonged on the set of some freaky horror movie. Well
I knew it was time to quit while I was ahead. We both sat back down
and my mother returned to smearing peanut butter on our sandwiches.

    We chewed in silence for a few moments and then Jessie spoke up,
"So what did you mean when you said that all the girls in our school
where lacking that special thing?"

    A grin spread on her face, "Like what, they don't accept a roll of
dimes to get you off?" That was my sister, always had to have the last
word no matter what. I was different though; I did not have anything
to prove. Anyway I knew what was about to happen.

"JESSIE LEAVE KYLE ALONE AND GET TO SCHOOL!" Sometimes my mom
had perfect timing. Jessie quickly stuffed her books in her bad,
grabbed her lunch, and trotted out the front door. With my mother in
such a foul mood I decided that I best follow my sisters example and
slipped my shoes on. I picked up my bag, stepped out side and began my
walk to school.

It was a sunny spring morning, there were a few clouds in the
sky and the morning breeze was refreshing, not chilling. I walked
slowly towards the school, my head down seemingly staring at the
multitudes of cracks on the sidewalk. I listened as cars sped by me,
people setting off to go to their daily routines. I was lost somewhere
in the depths of my mind when I felt a hand slap its self onto my left
shoulder. My heart jumped in my chest and I snapped my head up to face
who ever had grabbed me.

My surprised eyes locked with the face of the most gorgeous
boy in school. He smiled at me and my surprise turned to that gushy
feeling that invaded my stomach. "Hey Kyle man what's up?"  Dustin's
hand slipped from my shoulder as a big grin spread across his face.

"Well besides you almost making me shit my pants everything
else is going okay." I laughed and slugged him one on his upper right
arm. Damn he was so good looking, almost every girl in the school
wanted him, and well at least one boy. I wished that I looked just
like him, from his light brown hair to his deep green eyes; not to
mention the fact that he was about seven inches taller than me. His
body and features seemed to be chiseled from stone, not thin, not fat,
but somewhere in-between with a body to die for. He had the perfect
body, always seemed to know what to say, and had been my best friend
for like the last two and a half years. I was so madly in love with
him, but there was no way that he could ever find out. He loved me as
a friend, not the same way that I loved him.

He laughed out loud and rubbed his arm, "Well its not my fault
that you're so jumpy, I think you need some Valium or something." He
dropped his bag to the ground and put his fists up and started
bouncing around, "So what you wanna duke it out ya punk?" He grinned
as he prepared for a mock duel.

"Nah man maybe later, don't want to mess up that pretty face
of yours. The girls would never forgive me." I turned and started to
walk away, "but after school I am going to whoop yer ass."

He laughed as he grabbed his bag and run up beside me. His arm
brushed mine; goose bumps ran up along my spine, this kid doesn't know
what he does to me. "So Kyle what where you thinking about?"

"Hhhmmm?" I was hoping that would not come up, so I wanted him
to drop it.

He looked over at me with a hint of concern in his eyes, "When
I saw you, you where looking down concentrating and shit. I mean you
didn't even hear me yell your name."

"Oh did you," shit I didn't hear that, "sorry I was just
thinking."

He rolled his eyes into his skull, "Duh, I know that! What
where you thinking about?" Dustin always was so concerned about me,
even over the little things, it never failed to send a wave of warmth
into my chest.

"Oh just thinking about some girls at school, sorry my mind
must have wandered." A bold face lie, and god did it hurt to lie to
him. He was always completely honest to me about everything, and I
always had to cover it up and hide the fact that I was gay. I didn't
want to but I was afraid of the consequences of telling him.

"Mind just wandered huh," his cute lips curled into a devilish
grin. "Like wandered into a room full of girls waiting for you to
start a wild orgy?" He started laughing.

I laughed back and just looked at him as he chuckled. "Ha-ha
asshole, your just jealous cause I could get an orgy of girls
started."

He started to laugh again and threw his arm around my
shoulders. Oh sweet heaven I felt my knees turn into rubber, and I
felt the blood start to surge to my loins. I wish my dick would calm
down just for one day out of my teenage life. I just hoped Dustin
didn't notice that I was already half hard. Good thing I wore baggy
jeans that day.

    "Yeah man I bet you could being the stud muffin that you are." I
really blushed at that one, but I knew he was just fooling around,
"but then I would have to come in after five minutes cause you would
be done and ready to leave." Then he really started laughing and I
slugged him on the arm again.

    "Just joking Kyle man," he stuttered between laughs. Then he
calmed down a bit and looked at me seriously. "Now for real, what
where you thinking about."

    Damn it another lie! "Well I was thinking of who I should ask to
the end of school dance this year." Well it was a half-truth; I wanted
to take HIM, but I knew that could not happen so I had to think of a
girl that would go with me.

    He cocked his eyebrow at me, "Dude that like three months away,
why are you even thinking about it."

    I sucked my breath in through my teeth, "I was just thinking of
whom I would ask to go that would say yes." I started to feel really
alone in the world at that moment.

    I looked down at the sidewalk again not wanting to see those
magical eyes, ashamed that he might see something in mine. I knew he
was looking at me with heart felt concern in his eyes, that's when I
felt his arm snake their way around my shoulders again.

    "Aawww man you got to stop bringing your self down." There was
serious concern in his voice. "There is a perfect girl out there for
you. You are like the coolest dude out there, and one day some chick
is going to notice that and fall for you in a second."

    I looked up at him, "Man I am like the last person a girl would
ever notice in that way." I started to tear up, not just from the
conversation, not from that fact that I was gay and I loved my best
friend so much, it was the fact that it was true. No girl had ever
shown me any interest in that way before. Not that it mattered, but it
would make me feel that someone out there actual wanted me. I just
wanted someone, anyone to love me!

    Now Dustin looked at me with such deep concern I felt my heart
welt up, shit I was going to let the water works fly in a few seconds.
"Dude, you have to stop thinking that. So what if you're a little
short and thin, that'll change right away here. Trust me man, I went
through the same thing too. Your just one of those people that takes
forever to start growing." He smiled at me, "Trust me, your going to
wake up one day and all of a sudden your going to be a fricken giant!"
That may have been true later, but not right now.

    "Man, there is going to be someone out there for you. Even if you
looked like the troll that lived under the bridge, there IS someone
out there for you." He paused for a moment, "Out of all my friends in
all the world, YOU are my best friend. YOU, not someone else who's
cooler, or someone richer, or has all the girls hanging off him. YOU!"
He stopped and looked me right in the eye, "I chose you out of
everyone to love and be so special to me, because of who you are! You
are the most important thing in my life bro, and one day some girl is
going to notice all the stuff that I see and fall madly in love with
you." Then he grabbed me right in the street and quickly hugged me. I
wish that moment could last for eternity. It was nothing sexual, no
lust; just pure love between to friends that seemed endless. I didn't
feel so alone anymore. Even if I could not have him as my boyfriend,
he would always instead be my loving friend.

    "Thanks man, you mean the world to me," I said as our hug broke
and I started to wipe the tears that had almost escaped my eyes.

    "Yeah man, I know." Then he looked at his watch. "Oh shit dude! We
are like 5 minutes late!"

    The blood drained out of my extremities as the though of my mother
drifted through my mind. With out wasting another second we both
bolted down the sidewalk and to the school.

  Well we made it to school, but not in time to stop them before
they phoned my mother and his parents. The secretary both gave us a
harsh lecture and sent us to class. Great I thought, as we walked down
the halls, my mother is going to kill me. This is the fifth time this
month that I was over fifteen minutes late for my first class. She's
going to ground me for sure. We got halfway down the hall and Dustin
spoke up,

    "So off to the stupid classes for me." He was in all the remedial
classes while I was in all the pure courses. "So you want to come with
me after school today? A whole bunch of us are getting together
tonight"

    I gave him my doubtful look, "I think if I am not skinned when I
get home, I will at least be grounded. Sorry man."

    He just shrugged it off, "Shitty, maybe we can do something
tomorrow if you live." He laughed, "Anyways I'll see you at lunch
dude."

"Yeah see you then," and Dustin turned down the hall and went to
class. I continued down the hall to my science class. When I opened
the door the teacher stopped talking and looked at me.

    "Well Mr. Printon, I hope we didn't wake you to early for class
this morning." Jeez this old guy was such an asshole, he'd always
embarrass me when I came to class late.

I wish this was over, " I am sorry Mr. Karmicheal, it won't
happen again."

"For your sake I hope so, now take your seat," he glared at
me, and every set of eyes in the class where on me. I felt my
self-turning red. With out another word spoken, I slipped into my seat
beside Kerri. She gave me the, 'why are you late again' look, I just
rolled my eyes as I finished sitting down.

The droning voice of Mr. Karmicheal went on for what seemed
like an eternity, but finally after half an hour it was time to work
out of our textbooks. Which meant we could all talk to each other with
out fear of retribution. Kerri opened her textbook and binder and I
followed suit. We began to jot down all the answers to the questions.

"So did you sleep in again this morning Kyle?" She stopped
working and turned to face me. She was a very good friend of mine
since we where little. She and I had been in the same classes since
grade three, and had hung out for a long time. She was a brainy kid,
smarter than me for sure. She was becoming what would so be a very
attractive woman in no time flat. She had come a long way from a dopey
little kid with ponytails and glasses. She now was taller (of course
everyone was taller than me), her black hair was loose and hanging
beneath her shoulder blades, and she had replaced the glasses with
contacts. She wasn't causing the boys around her to drool, but she had
a boyfriend and was getting prettier everyday.

"Yeah something like that," I sighed. "I am sure going to be
grounded when I get home tonight."

"Well serves you right," she gave me a cold stare. I was
confused; did I do something to upset her? Why was she mad at me? She
must have seen the worried look in my eye because she started to
giggle.

"What is so damn funny," I asked my worries slipping away.

"Well I do look like a dork sitting here all by myself because
you decide that you are going to be the 'cool guy' and stroll in to
class late." She covered her smile with her hand as she continued to
giggle.

"Well I am sssooo sssooorrryyy your majesty I will be sure to
be here on time so you don't look like a dork again," I rolled my eyes
and started to chuckle. The rest of the class went on like that, us
just goofing around and working. Then before we knew it the bell rang
and we off to our next class, which was English.

     Karri and I sat together again, but in this class we where not
allowed to talk to each other. The teacher Ms. Hope just discussed the
main themes of Shakespeare's play Romeo and Juliet. I found myself
daydreaming again, I could really relate to that play; the two lovers
that came from two families, which hated one another with a passion.
Whose true love causes them to sneak around and expressing their
forbidden love for each other. The only differences were that one; I
had no one that was in love with me.  Two, my daydream was with
another boys! Well its not like if I found my true love that I think
our parents would hate each other that much, but then in my situation
it's the majority of society that would try to forbid our love. God
the world seem to really suck sometimes.

    My daydream was cut short by the harsh ring of the bell signaling
lunchtime. Karri and I walked out of class and tried to dodge the
hundreds of bodies running around frantic for grub time. We made our
ways to our lockers, put our books away, and grabbed our lunches.
Before Kerri could close her locker her boyfriend Jason jumped in
front of her.

    "Hey baby, how was class?" He bent forward and gave her a quick
kiss. I just stood there shifting my weight from one foot to the other
feeling a little uncomfortable. I attempted not to look at them while
pretending to examine the wall in front of me; all while trying
unsuccessfully from looking like a complete loser.

    "Fine, English was a little boring but I made it through." She
smiled at him. It sort of made me jealous, I didn't have a crush on
her; it was just that sometimes I felt like a third wheel when they
were together. Not to mention the fact that I didn't like him at all,
I was sure that his feelings towards me were mutual. He was some big
jock from the football team that had some how slimed his way into
Karri's life, while I was just some scrawny kid that hung out with
Kerri.

    "Yeah I am sure, little dorky Kyle probably kept you company? What
you girls talk about? How to make muffins or flower arranging?" He
laughed loud enough to make my ear drums hurt. I had a very witty
reply on the tip of my tongue, but I kept it bottle up. I didn't
really feel like getting the crap kicked out of me. So I just
half-heartedly laughed, turned and began to walk away.

    Karri on the other hand was not impressed. "What did you say that
for?" She probably gave him the Karri patented 'now you've pissed me
off' look and came running after me.

    "Kyle wait!" She grabbed my arm and slowed my quickening pace.

    "I am sorry, he can be such and asshole." she gave me that puppy
dog look. "Do you want to hang out with me for lunch?" Uh-oh, if she
ditched Jason for lunch and went with me instead Jason would freak. I
was sort of touched that she was thinking of me though.

    "Nah its okay Kerri," I smiled weakly, "I'll just meet you next
period. Have fun with Jason."

    Now she had that concerned look in her eyes, but I knew she really
want to go out for lunch with Jason. He was seventeen, had a car, and
lots of money and friends. Kerri was in bliss to be so popular because
of it. So I slipped on a fake grin and told her to get lost.

    She smiled back at me and gave me a quick peck on the cheek,
"Thanks, you are so sweet." I felt my face go completely red! I could
not believe it. First there was the hug from Dusty right in the middle
of public, then Kerri giving me a kiss on the cheek. I have to admit
that I was all of a sudden feeling pretty damn good that morning. She
turned and walked to Jason, took his hand, and headed out towards the
parking lot. There was some people giggling and making kissy faces at
me when I turned around. I turned a little pink in the face but I was
too happy to be embaressed.

    I made my way to the lunchroom, looking from table to table for a
place to sit. Then I saw Dusty stand up and wave me over. A smile
spread across my face and I resisted the urge to run over to him. So I
calmly walked over to the table where he was sitting. There where some
of our other friends sitting there, people we hung out with when we
went out. There were also some of Dustin's friends from some of his
classes that I hardly knew.

    "Hey dude, heard you where being a player after your second
class." Dustin grinned at me with that twinkle in his eye. His friends
started to chuckle as I gave him a dumbfounded look.

    "What do you mean by that?" I furrowed my brow getting ready to
throw a comeback at one of his little teasing mockeries.

    "I heard from some people that you where making out with Kerri
right after the bell. And to top it all off you did it right in front
of Jason." I just looked at him like he was crazy.

    "I am still alive ain't I?"  I was some what pissed that a small
innocent kiss had rampaged its way through the school in a matter of
minutes and turned into a huge sex scandal.

    "Well that's what I heard!" He looked sort happy about this, "So
what DID happen Kyle?" He did his famous eyebrow wagging at me, "did
you get a quick feel then?" Everyone at the table started to laugh.

    "No," I was rolling my eyes into my skull again, half embaressed.
"She just gave me a quick kiss on the cheek cause Jason was being an
asshole."

    Suddenly Dustin's smile slipped from his face, "what do mean?" Oh
shit, here it comes. "Was he hassling you or hitting you or something?" I
was lost for words. Dustin was being very protective of me as usual.
Sometimes it irritated me because it made me feel that he thought that I
needed protection. It's not like I am a feeble weakling or anything. On the
other hand though I also got that butterfly feeling in my stomach again. He
gets so cute when he is worried about me, but I should end this right away.

    "Nah he didn't hit me or anything, I said I am still walking
right." I smiled to put him more at ease. It helped a bit because that
look left his face, but that guardian facial expression was still
evident.

    "So what did he do then?" he never stopped looking at me as he
took a swig of his chocolate milk. Ok now I was starting to feel a
little embaressed, everyone around me was silent not knowing how to
react to Dustin's change of mood.

    "He was just poking fun of me in front of Kerri, nothing bad." I
opened my lunch bag hoping that he would drop the subject. Which he
did, I think he sensed that I did not want to discuss it further. As
usual though he had to prove himself.

    "So do you want me to rough him up a little bit?" The grin was
back on his face and I knew he was back to his joking self.

    I sniggered, "nah, I'll spare him from the wrath of Dustin for
now. I don't want to have to take flowers to Kerri when we have to
bury him." That brought laughs from around the table. To add to the
effect of hid threat, Dustin stood up and did an Incredible Hulk pose
and began to talk like a brainless muscle freak.

    "So you want the Hulk to pop his head like a zit. Then when I
done, Hulk will bench press his carcass, a small compact car, and do
squats all at same time." I just started to laugh so hard at his dumb
impression as he imitated the bench pressing he would give to Jason.
We joked around until the lunch bell went. The rest of school was
dull; I had math and then gym. Both of the classes where tediously
boring.

    Dustin and me walked home together. We just talked about our day
and told each other about the gossip we heard. We reached his house
and we parted ways. I continued home alone, anticipating the bloodbath
when I got home. I walked up the steps of the front door and into the
house. I knew my mother was home today after school, so I knew there
was no way out of this. So I dropped my bag on the floor, took off my
shoes and headed in to the kitchen. I saw her sitting at the table
eating a sandwich and reading over some magazine. Her face was
unnervingly calm. I opened the fridge and grabbed a coke from the
door.

    "So you where late for school again today Kyle?" She had stopped
reading the magazine and was looking at me questioningly. I cringed
inside.

    "Yeah mom I am sorry." I knew that would not work, but I had
nothing better to say. I cursed my self for having such a deep
conversation with Dustin that morning. I knew mom was having trouble
with work and that her boss was making her really grouchy.

    "Kyle," she sighed, "What should I do?"

    I was a little taken aback by that one, "I don't know."

    "Well that was the last time you will be late for school. I don't
care if you have to get up an hour early to be on time. Just please,
please, please promise me that you will not be late for school again."
Well she was not screaming and yelling at me so I assumed that she had
a good day at work.

    "Okay mom I promise." I smiled at her and gave her a kiss on the
forehead.

    She smiled at me, "okay I'll hold you to that." I let out a sigh
of relief, no punishment this time.

    I started to walk away when she spoke, "Oh dear?"

    "Yes mom?" I turned around and looked at her again.

    "Your still grounded for tonight, don't think I would let you get
away with it." Now she smiled at me. Damn no luck at all.

    "Okay mom," I hung my head and went to my room, where I would
spend the rest of my night. Eventual I drifted asleep, my mind
dreaming of Dustin and me locked in a passionate embrace.


    I woke up the next morning got shower and dressed quickly, ate my
breakfast and ran out the door; all in record time I might add. I
walked down the street toward school and Dustin's house. Much to my
surprise he was sitting on the front steps ready to go.

    "Hey Dustin man, why are you already to go? Something wrong with
you?" He snickered at me.

"Nope, I just knew your mother would be making you leaving
early this morning. So I got up early to meet you." He winked at me.
He was so gorgeous this morning. The way the morning sun reflected of
his perfect hair, the way he walked. The cute smile and killer eyes
made my teenage lust skyrocket. He got up early for me. I felt so
special.

"Thanks man," I replied trying to keep myself from running
over and kissing him. So I just stood there watch him walk towards me.
I couldn't keep my eyes off of him, so I just stared, all the time
making sure that my mouth didn't hang open. He got to me and slapped
his hand on my shoulder.

"So how was being locked in the dungeon last night?" He
chuckled at me.

"Pretty boring, but it went okay with my mother. She didn't
scream at me or nothing. I guess work is getting better for her."

"Cool dude, are you still grounded tonight?" A sexy smile
slipped from his lips.

I blushed just a tiny bit, I was feeling so infatuated with
him this morning. "Nope, totally free."

"Great, we will do something to night then." Then he turned
and we both started walking to school together. I wished the school
was ten miles away so we could walk and talk longer.  We were just
talking about anything and everything.

"Oh yeah, I just remembered! How was the party last night
Dustin?" I looked over at him and he started grinning.

"Well it wasn't really a party, I mean we didn't drink or
anything. We just hung around at Todd's house until about 9:30." He
started blushing, that was very unusual for him. He never blushed,
ever. He was mister cool as long as I could remember.

"So who all was there?"

"Well," he started slowly, "there was a whole bunch of guys
there, uumm Todd, Mike, James, Sam, Chris, and Howard for a little
bit."

"Was that all?" My curiosity was piqued. Why was he so
flustered over a party with a bunch of guys? Did they do something?
Did he and someone else do something? What? What? Is my fantasy
starting to take form? Did he do something with another guy?

"Well, Cindy, Lisa, Carol, and ummm Michelle were there too."
He really went red now!

I just had to be forward with him, he was beating around the
bush about something and I just had to know. "Dustin, why are you
stuttering, your blushing and everything. Like what happened? Did you
get some action or what?" I forced a laugh out to keep up my straight
persona.

"Well sorta, kinda I guess." He was silent now. Oh shit he DID
do something with someone AND he was embaressed to tell me about it!
Dustin never gets embaressed! I suddenly had a quick daydream of him
telling me he had done something with someone, and that someone was a
guy. I wanted him to say that he was gay so I could follow his lead
and we could be happy together. My heart was racing a mile a minute, I
thought it would burst out of my chest and my ears would not stop
ringing. I felt dizzy as my knees once again turned into that rubber
substance called love. I tried to dismiss the daydream but it wouldn't
leave my head.

"Uhh man.." He stopped and looked at me. Every second that he
waited to continue felt like an eternity.

"I should have told you this right away, but I was a little
worried on how you would react.so here it is." he took a deep breath.
I thought I was going to pass out from the anticipation. OH GOD THIS
IS IT, THE MOMENT I HAVE BEEN WAITING FOR.

"Uuhhh Michelle asked me out and I said okay." He was studying
my face for a reaction and boy did he get one. Every one of those
feelings I was describing shrank into a little ball and rammed its way
up through my chest and into my throat. The smile ripped itself from
my face and the tears poured out of my eyes. I tried to stop them but
I couldn't. Shit now he knew for sure that I was gay. I mean it was so
obvious, me crying over the fact that Dusty now had a girlfriend. Why
didn't I just put a neon sign above my head that stated that I was
gay?

    I just wanted to die right then. I wished that a car would swerve
to miss a cat or something and hit me, or a meteor would strike me
down where I stood. I wanted reality to blink me out of existence
because now he knew. And because of it I knew I just lost the one I
was in love with and the best friend that ever had. HE KNEW! Too my
surprise he placed his hand on my shoulder.

"Man I am so sorry." Awww fuck he knew and now he was feeling
pity on his ex-friend who was a fag. I felt so humiliated and hurt.

"I knew that you..."

    I slapped his hand from my shoulder before he could continue and
turned away so he could not look at me. He knows.

"Man I didn't mean too...I am sorry that..." I turned on him,
something snapped in me. I didn't need this; I didn't need to be hurt
by one of my friends again. I needed to get out of here; I couldn't
stand the pain of him knowing.

"No Dustin I am sorry. I am sorry for all of this. I hope you
can forgive me but I don't think I can ever look at you again." It
hurt me so much to say that, but how could I face him with him knowing
this about me. I couldn't take anymore; I bolted down the street
towards the school, leaving Dustin standing there.

I ran into the school and to the bathroom. I was early enough
that there was no other student around yet. I just sat on the counter
by the sink and cried. I was so stupid! What I had with Dustin was so
special to me. Why the fuck couldn't I just be content with what we
had? Why did I let my actions betray me? I should have known nothing
could ever brought us together the way I wanted. He is straight. I am
gay. Now he knows and he must hate me. It must have hurt him so much
to find out that his best friend was a queer. I felt sorry for
betraying him, but also felt angry. I was angry with him and angry
with myself. HE was sorry I was gay! What? Like I had a goddamn choice
in the matter.

    Why should I be sorry for who I am? But why am I the way I am? Is
this some trick of God? Some fucking mind game he is playing with me?
Why the FUCK can't I be normal? Why can't I just for once, ONCE in my
life have it easy? For Christ sakes all I ever wanted in this world
was to be happy. Now I have lost my best friend in the whole waking
world. God I really do wish my life would end. Now I have nothing
left.

The tears continually poured from my eyes as I sat there.
Final I gained the strength to stand up and whip the tears away. I
washed my face in the sink and sucked air through my teeth, walked out
of the bathroom and to my science class.

As I approached the desk Kerri got a puzzled look on her face.
I knew that she realized that I was crying. I sat down and just stared
ahead at the black board, fighting the tears. I knew that she was
staring at me but I didn't care, I could only focus on the pain
inside. Someone walked by and said Hi but I paid no attention to them.
Kerri was silent for a few moments and then spoke up.

"Kyle is there something wrong?"

I didn't look at her, "No."

I guess she was some what taken aback by my cold demeanor, "I
know something is wrong, so just tell me."

"Its nothing," I spoke through my gritted teeth.

"No something is a matter. I have never seen you like this
before Kyle. What? Did I do something? Was Jason bothering you again?"
There was deep concern in her voice. I just want to grab her and start
weeping on her shoulder, but I held my stead gaze.

"No. There is nothing wrong" Why couldn't she just leave me
alone? Couldn't she tell I was about to break down, in front of every
one here non-the less?

"Please Kyle, tell me! Please let me help!" Now she was
getting really worried.

"Why can't you just leave me alone, please," I turned and look
at her, giving her a cold stare. I instantly regretted it as the
concerned look on her face turned to sadness. I wanted to apologize
but I just couldn't. She shrank back and her chair and was silent
through the rest of the class.

I went to my English class right after, ignoring all the
people that swarmed around me. Someone grabbed my arm and pulled me
from the mainstream traffic of the hallway. It was Harold, he looked
at me confused for some reason. "Man Dustin is looking all over the
place for you."

Oh great, just what I needed. Now I was sure Harold knew of my
sexual preference from the weird look he was giving me. I tried not to
let it bother me. Not much could now. Harold waited for a response but
I gave him none.

"Anyways man, Dustin wants to meet you in the gym change rooms
at lunch. Alone" I was sort of puzzled, but I pulled away and
continued down the hall to English, leaving Harold with that confused
look on his face.

So now he wanted to meet me alone in the gym locker room huh?
Fat Chance. He probably told all his friends I was a dirty fag and
they wanted to jump me and beat the crap out of me. That look on
Harold's face told me that he must know. I don't know where I found
the strength, but I made it to English class.

Kerri didn't say one thing to me when I sat down this time.
Now I felt completely isolated. Damn it this was my entire fault. If I
could have only controlled my hormones I would have never gotten into
this mess. I sat through the first twenty minutes of English blocking
everything out; I was just replaying the morning over and over in my
mind. It hurt more and more each time I thought about it. Final I
asked the teacher if I could be excused. She let me go and I went to
the office.

The secretary look up at me from took pause from her typing.
"Are you okay? You don't look so well?"

I told her that I was not feeling well and she phoned my
mother. After the call she said she would have a classmate gather my
homework and sent me home.

The walk home was a long and lonely one. When I got home I
just crawled into my bed and cried. I cried openly and loudly. I cried
until it hurt. Finally when I could not cry anymore I fell asleep.

I woke about two hours later to the sound of someone knocking
on my front door. I shook my head trying to clear the fuzziness and
wondered how I got home. All of a sudden a sick realization of what
happened that morning flooded back through my mind. I sat there for a
few moments, wishing that everything that had occurred was just part
of a bad dream.

The knock at the door came again, louder and more desperate
this time. I sighed and forced my self from the bed. I walked down the
stairs, my head still to heavy to hold upright. I glanced at the clock
on the way to the door. It was already two thirty in the afternoon. I
had slept over three hours, not that it had really done any good. I
reached the door and glanced through the peephole. Standing on the
other side of the door was Kerri, a look of determination on her face.
I began unlocking the door, realizing that there was no way I was
going to get around this.

She looked at me once again with heart felt concern in her
eyes. I just looked at her and motioned for her to enter. She walked
in, neither of us saying a word. She took her shoes off as I began to
climb the stairs back to my room. I flopped down on the bed and buried
my face in my pillow. I felt her presence in the room and then her
weight as she sat down beside me. Then her hand as it rested itself on
my back.

"Kyle, I know what happened between you and Dustin today."
Wonderful now she knows too. I bet everyone in school knows about me
now. I let out a sob but said nothing.

"He was looking all over for you when you didn't meet him. He
found me in the hall and asked me where you where, it looked like he
was crying Kyle." Good I thought. Wait why was I thinking this way. I
was just bitter I guess.

"Dustin told me everything about this morning."

Now I had to say something. "And you still came over here?
What to show me pity?" That feeling of loneliness and anger
resurfaced. "How can you even look at me? Aren't you disgusted with
me?" It hurt me to say that, but she was one of the ones that laughed
when our friends made fun of gays in general. So she had to be
revolted by the idea.

"So you got angry about Dustin going out with Michelle. We
knew that you said you had a crush on her, and Dustin feels bad about
saying yes. But why would I be disgusted with that?"

What? What the hell was she talking about? I don't have a
crush on Michelle! I am gay for Christ sakes! I turned my head and
looked at her with a confused look on my face.

"He said that when she asked he totally forgot that you told
him that you had a crush on her two weeks earlier. Then he said that
he almost died when he remembered later that night."

     Now I felt like a complete idiot and asshole. I had said that two
weeks ago when the conversation of girls had surfaced. He had kept
continually asking me who I had a crush on. I just thought about the
first girl that had came to mind, Michelle. She was always following
Dustin around so I always saw her. That's why he was upset; he thought
I was pissed at him for dating Michelle. Thank You LORD! And shit I
had almost actually blurted out the fact I was gay! I was all up in
arms about it because I was sure that Dustin knew I was gay because of
my reaction this morning. Good thing that I did leave school and not
meet Dustin at lunch. I probably would have then let it slip that I
was gay in an attempt to defend myself. Then he would have known about
it for no reason at all.

    I was so happy, but somewhere deep down I was sad. I was happy
that Dustin and everyone else didn't know and we could still be best
friends. But I was sad; I had thought my secret had finally come out.
I was upset with that, but I had thought that it was final over. I
thought I was finally free of my dark secret. I was also upset now
that Dustin had a girlfriend! I was jealous, but I knew I could never
have that which I wanted. Now I had to clear everything up.

    "I...I....am sorry that I acted like such a jerk today Kerri." I looked
at her for a response as I continued.

    "I was just really hurt and didn't know how to deal with it." I
sighed, but no more tears. "I guess I was a little bit of an asshole."

    The look of worry slid off Kerri's face and was replaced with that
smile. She tickled my sides and I laughed.

    "Yes you where a complete prick," she giggled. "But that's okay, I
know you where upset." She stopped tickling me.

    "Is Dustin mad at me for what I did?" my newfound smile faded.

    "No, he is broken up over the fact that you hate him now, but I
don't think he could really get mad at you Kyle."

    I sat right up, "I don't hate him! Shit I didn't mean for this to
get so out of hand!"

    She got up off the bed; "well maybe you should talk to him after
school and tell him that. He'll be here right after."

    I looked at the clock; he would be out in like 15 minutes. Wait a
second! "Kerri how did you get over here?  You should be in class."

    She just laughed, "I skipped you doofus! It was just keyboarding
class."

    "What? You? You never skip! Little miss perfect." I started
laughing.

    "Well I made an exception for you. I couldn't stand you being like
this, so I had to come help you."

    I suddenly felt like crying again. My friends really did care for
me, so much that they would risk themselves to help me. I knew what
Kerri's dad would do to her when she got home. She did that for ME.
Maybe I was not so bad off as I thought. Maybe one day I could tell
them that I was gay. Maybe they would understand.

    "Thanks Kerri...that means a lot to me." I think I started blushing.

    She bent down and gave me another kiss on the cheek; this one was
a little longer than the last. "Your welcome Kyle, you mean a lot to
me." Then she threw her arms around me and gave me a big hug, which I
returned. The fear and sorrow in my chest melted away. Then she
released me and made her way outside.

    I waited, going over in my mind what to say to Dustin when he came
over. I felt so bad for hurting him. What could I say to reverse what
had happened this morning. Kerri said he was crying too, I never meant
to do this too him.

    Sure enough when three thirty rolled around I heard a soft knock
at the door. I ran downstairs at full speed and put my eye to the
peephole. Sure enough it was Dustin on the other side. His whole
demeanor looked different, like someone who knew they where going to
die in the next 48 hours. I felt sorry for him and angry with myself
for causing his pain.

   I opened the door slowly, revealing Dustin on the other side. He
just looked at me, neither of us knowing what to say. I could not look
him in those green eyes as the guilt pulled my own eyes away. I
invited him in weakly and walked up the stairs as he removed his
shoes. I sat back down on the bed looking at the floor as he entered.
I didn't know where to begin. We were like that in silence for a few
moments until he broke the void of sound.

   "Kyle, I am so sorry about this." He was choking back the tears.

   I couldn't stand seeing him like this. I had to say something. "No
Dusty I am the one who should be sorry. I should have never acted the
way I did this morning."

   "I understand why you did, and I wish I had never agreed with
Michelle. I totally forgot that you liked her." He paused catching his
breath. "When I remembered I felt so guilty it hurt, I tried to call
you but you where grounded and your mother wouldn't let me talk to
you."

    "Man it's okay." I really wanted him to feel better.

    "No its not...I should have remembered. You must hate me now."

    Time to end this. "No man I don't. I would never hate you, even
over some silly girl." I sighed, "I just over reacted, I didn't know
what came over me. I felt really bad right after I ran away."

    I looked up from the floor and our eyes met, I saw some of the
despair replace its self with hope. He walked towards me and sat down
on the bed beside me.

    "If you want me to break up with Michelle I'll understand. I just
don't want to lose my best friend over a girl." Now he sunk his head
down into the palms of his hands and cried.

    This time it was me who wrapped my arms around his shoulders. "No,
man. I don't want you to break it off with her. It doesn't matter to
me. All that matters is that we stay the way we are." It was hard to
say that, but I just came to the understanding that Dustin and me
would always be friends, nothing more. I felt all my hopes and dreams
of him ever loving me slip away, but in their place I felt the content
knowledge that he would always be there for me as my friend.

    He lifted his face from his hands, the tears where spread across
his cheeks, and his eyes where all puffy and red. "Are you sure you're
not mad anymore?"

    "No Dustin, I love you. You're my bro and I want you to be happy.
And if Michelle can make you happy than I am happy. All I want for you
is to be happy." Now a few tears left my eyes, not hurtful ones this
time. He sat there for a second, looking unsure of what to say or do.
Then he turned to face me while sitting and pulled me forward into a
hug. Not our usual buddy-buddy hug, but a deep loving hug. His arms
wrapped tightly around me and his head rested on my shoulder; the side
of his face buried in my neck. I felt him sob and the wetness of tears
on my neck.

    "I love you too Kyle." Then I lost it to, I hugged him tighter and
imitated him. I buried my face in the flesh of his shoulder and neck
and started to cry back. All the lustful love I had for him was gone;
it was replaced with a love of friendship. I was finally content with
Dustin, somehow this love seemed better than the love I had wanted
from him.

    We sat there like that for almost five minutes when he pulled away
beginning to wipe the tears from his face. I just fell over and laid
my head on the pillow feeling glad that our fight was over. Much to my
surprise he laid on his back beside me and we started talking. We lay
there talking and laughing for hours on end beside each other. Never
once did a lustful thought enter my head, even when he brushed a body
part against me. That feeling for him was gone now, but I was happier
than I ever was.

    Eventually he sat up and said he had to go home. We got up and
made our way down stairs, looking at the clock I realized that it was
almost eight o'clock. He slipped his shoes on and gave me my math
homework that he had collected for me. He said goodbye, hugged me, and
left.

I went back up to my room a smile etched across my face. I sat
down at my desk and began to do my math homework. About an hour later
I heard my mother enter the house. I didn't say anything as I heard
her make her way up the stairs and towards my room. She opened the
door and came in.

"How are you feeling sweetie?" she bent down and kissed the
top of my head.

"A lot better, I just felt really nauseous before lunch that's
all."

"Do you want to go to school tomorrow?"  I would usually jump
at this chance to stay home and do nothing, but I wanted to go
tomorrow just to hang out with Dustin.

"Nah, I'll go to school tomorrow mom, I am feeling way
better." She looked at me with a little surprise in her eyes. She was
expecting me to say yes. What can I say today was a day filled with
surprises.

"That's good to hear. Oh by the way did Jessie call?" She was
over at her dumb boyfriends house again.

"Nope not yet." My mother just rolled her eyes and smiled. She
grabbed my dirty clothes and walked out, closing the door behind her.
I finished my math homework and crawled into bed at about ten. I
wasn't tired but I just wanted to lie down. A little bit later I heard
Jessie come in the house. I heard her and my mother talking, but I
drifted to sleep before they finished.

I woke up the morning in the best mood I had ever been in for
as long as I could remember. I didn't hassle Jessie that morning or
drag myself around the house. I got ready, gave my mom a quick kiss
and walked out the door.

I met Dusty at his house again, this time when he walked
towards me I did not sit there and stare at him like usual. He still
was cute with his light brown hair and deep green eyes, but I didn't
want him like that anymore. He smiled up at me, and instead of my
knees turning into rubber I felt my chest fill with pride. Pride that
came from the fact that he was my friend.

We walked to school, and like every other day we talked and
laughed. It was like the fight yesterday never occurred. We even
laughed about it. We got to school, agreed once again to meet for
lunch and parted ways. I made my way to science and took my seat by
Kerri. Instantly as I sat down she began questioning me about the
night before. So I told her everything that had happened. She got that
dumb grin on her face and said she was glad it was over.

    Then something happened five minutes before class. I saw someone
out of the corner of my eye enter through the door. Someone I had
never seen before. I turned and look as this kid entered the class
with his bag thrown over his shoulder. He was gorgeous, even more so
than Dustin had been to me. He walked towards me, I felt that all too
familiar lump form in my throat and in my pants. His strawberry blonde
hair was set perfectly above the angle face beneath it. He had the
sexiest set of sharp blue eyes that you could see from the other side
of the room, and the softest, sweetest looking lips that had ever
existed. He was about five and a half feet tall and had a better body
than even Dusty.

He walked toward me and got closer. I thought I was going to
pass out. I pulled my chair closer to the table to hide my now fully
erect hard on. He walked right by me towards the back and my head
followed. I must have stared at him for a few moments because I heard
Kerri clear her throat. I turned and looked at her and she gave me a
puzzled look. Jeez I must have looked like some love struck fool
staring at him like that.

"What is your problem Kyle?" She had that inquisitive look on
her face.

"Who is that guy? I have never seen him before." I tried to
act straight and not go all mushy.

"Uhh he transferred her from the school on the other side of
town yesterday. His name is Justin."

I cocked an eyebrow at her, "How do you know that?"

"Well I talked to him yesterday after class. I know that new
kids always have a tough time, and you didn't really help him feel all
that welcome."

Now I was confused, "What do you mean? I have never met him
before in my life."

She got the smug look on her face, "yes you did. Yesterday he
stopped by our desk ad said hi but you where to upset to notice him."

Now I had a vague recollection of someone saying hi to me when
I was wrapped up in my thoughts of yesterday's events. Shit this hot
guy made an effort to say hi to me and I totally ignored him. Guess I
blew it there.

"I explained to him you where going through a tough time
yesterday," she paused and then continued. "But it doesn't help much
that you just stared at him like he was some sort of circus freak as
he walked by. He's just new, what's so weird about that?"

"I just was not expecting a new kid this late in the year
that's all." I covered that up quickly.

"You know sometimes you can be the sweetest kid on the earth,"
she started grinning, "but other times you can be complete spaz." She
started laughing and so did I.

Through the whole class my mind could not get off the boy that
was sitting three tables behind me. I had that feeling again, and I
had to act on it. I needed to find a way to make up for what I did
yesterday.


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To Be continued...
------------------------------------------------------------------------

I am currently writing the second part, It took me about 4 days to get
this one the way I wanted it too. I will write the second one, but I
will judge my writing the third based on comments I get from readers.
So if you liked it, please e-mail me.

Copyright David Logann May 2002